just blurbs 6 : you feel it, but you dont

i had to laugh. i just had to. sometimes, (most of the times actually) i was too confused with myself that laughter is the only thing that'll resolve everything. like, bringing a climax to the whole drama. hahahahaha (there you go, still laughing)

or is it just me. maybe it's within me, biologically. maybe if you drop into a series of unstoppable laughter, (for no particular reason, be it reasonable or not) you're in some kind of a disease. sheesh. the laughter syndrome.

confusion and laughter. great combo. hahaha (still laughing, but mentally though coz people are staring).

you know, i got confused over some trivial, most microscopic stuff. i feel it, but i dont. or rather, i feel it, but i dont like the feeling.

rephrase please. i feel it, i like it, but i dont want commitment.that's more like it. now i should stop laughing.hahahaahahaha.

i can't. it's just euphorical. there's a solution!

just blurbs 4: when you wish for too much

you can dream, you can wish. you can hope for everything in the world to be yours. but be careful not to be hurt by what you dream for. cause you might just not get it. even if you do, it doesn't guarantee you'd be the happiest man alive. maybe yes, but maybe not for long. you can wish as much as you want. just don't wish for too much. somebody might get hurt.

just blurbs 3: when you're not who you are

when are you not who you are? several varied situations.

now or never

I watch the morning dawn upon your skin
A splinter in the light
It caught and frayed the very heart of us
It's been hiding there inside for all this time
How a sure thing winds up just like this
Clockwork silence only knows
And it's no one's fault
There's no black and white
Only you and me
On this endless night
And as the hours run away
With another life
Oh, darling can't you see
It's now or never
It's now or never
Sleeping anxious still at 3 am
We're trying far too hard
The tattered thought balloons above our heads
Sinking in the weight of all we need to sayWhy's and what if's have since long played out
Left us short on happy endings
And it's no one's fault
There's no black and white
Only you and me
On this endless night
And as the hours run away
With another life
Oh, darling can't you see
It's now or never
It's now or never
You know that there's so much more
And it's no one's fault
There's no black and white
Only you and me
On our final night
And as the hours run away
With another life
Oh, darling can't you see
It's now or never
It's now or never


p/s: i luv the words, i just had to put it here. by josh groban

i just talked to a person who thinks he was being judged. clearly, the name can not be revealed for confidential purposes. he is not straight but has a really kind heart. he decided to take part in donating some blood at the campaign the other day.

however, the person at the registration counter refuse to let him donate cause he has the tendency to get HIV/AIDS. i know that might be true. but brushing him off like he's some kind of a walking disease is totally not appropriate.

she should let him know properly of the reasons why he couldn't and should next time take off the sceptical look from her (oops) face.

basically, im just an advocate for my poor friend, which i know has been hurt many times with people who does not have a sense of sensitivity in them.

for you, my friend, just take a deep breath and move on. you chose to be the way you are and therefore you have to swallow the sweet and bitter. anything, gimme a buzz.

all that i've got - the used

So deep, that it didn't even bleed and catch me Off guard, red handed Now I'm far from lonely Asleep I still see you lying next to me So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I... I need something else would Someone please just give me Hit me and knock me out And let me go back to sleep I can laugh All I want inside I still am empty So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I... I'll be just fine Pretending I'm not I'm far from lonely And it's all that I've got I guess, I remember every glance you shot me Un-harmed, im losing weight and some body heat I squoze so hard I stopped your heart from beating So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me, I.... I'll be just fine Pretending I'm not I'm far from lonely And it's all that I've got And it's all that I've got Yeah, it's all that I've got It's all that I've got It's all that I've got! So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me I'll be just fine Pretending I'm not I'm far from lonely and it's all that I've got And it's all that I've got Yeah, it's all that I've got

alfie made me wonder

i was watching 'alfie' when it occured in my mind about the people around me. how much they've sacrificed for my sake, how tolerable they've been with my antics and shortcomings, how they've seen my imperfections as a gift that only i have..

all these thoughts made me realized how thankful i should be. yes, people come and go. but they have certainly left a mark. some came for a very short while and disappear as soon as a blink of an eye - but left the greatest impact. some stayed for a very long time - like the time i would take to finish my vegetables, but affect me just a little bit. how i would explain the 'impact' is totally subjective according to my preferences.

i've wondered a lot about "jodoh dan pertemuan". like if someone i would always, but eventually meet out of the blue is truly someone i should give more attention to, if you get what i mean. or if someone who has always been by my side possibly means nothing to me..just a matter of geographical factors. like im close to that person because i only have him/her, or because i really want to be close to that person, have mutual connections.

i've wondered if a friend can be called a friend. or should only be called acquaintance, because he/she don't really play a role as a friend - just there because of a situation,coincidentally. i really don't know how to explain this.ugh. then, would i be friendless? maybe i have many acquaintances but no friends. or maybe the other way around. or none of both. nada. zilch.
geez.this sucked,my mind suggested.

i've wondered the answers for the questions. but ended up eating Tesco potato chips while starring into space. my mouth chewing on auto-pilot.

like 'alfie', i guess the answers will just come along by itself. time is what i have plenty of, and my journey's just beginning. i'll leave the questions as it is for now.

i was weak

at that moment, i can only do nothing. as she held the scissors and comb closer to my hair, i shut my eyelids close. all my heart i prayed that i made the right decision - to let a stranger cut my hair.

gradually, little by little, she snipped off my tresses. i cried in my heart..cried for help and mercy from my friends next to me (they're also getting haircuts - happily).

and by the end of a long 30mins (that was the longest 30mins in my life)

blissful breakfast

the perfect breakfast for me would be a simple butter on toast (and sometimes with chocolate rice spread), hot choc, and enjoying all of this at the bench on my backyard - facing the LRT railway over a three-lane highway and some mansions on the hills. of course, it'd be even more blissful without the shreakings and yellings of my siblings. quiet and serene, only the chirpings of birds and the squirrels. if it rained the night before, then it's the loveliest! the air would be dewy and tingy cool. oh love it, love it, love it!

unbelievably touching

i went to a majlis graduasi for std 6 at my sister's skool, SBU. never did i expect for some intriguing and "surprising" moments to happen. basically, three things happen:

1. i met my old school teachers!! (they all looked pretty much the same)

2. i met some of my long-lost friends. (well,two..to be exact)

3. i met with a car accident. (so not me.saya pemandu berhemah)

okay, lowdown cleared. here's the scoop.

i sent my sisters (ilin +lia) to the skool at around 6pm. ilin was the one graduating, and lia is the type of person who just have to be there. i mean, dia macam rasa dia teachers' pet lah. so, she was appointed to record the whole event. somethin like a documentary (her self-project) where it's full of weirdly moving objects and we all looked like we were in Japan and earthquake striked -- basically caused by her shaking hands.i asked her to use a tripod.

anyways, yeah i sent them, and i went meronggeng jap 'til it's 7pm approx. and, nothing was wrong -- i parked safely outside the skool, at a legal parking space, i turned off the engine and went out of the car. there was a car in front, and no cars behind. i adjusted the buckles of my shoe and looked at the great job i did parking the car so nicely. but wait a minute, fairytales' a bullshit. being the kind-of-a-perfectionist-lah, i can't help but noticed that the car macam senget sket. and i forgot to turned the wheels so that it's straight (sumthin like dat). so i got back in the car, turned on the engine, turned on the air-cond (i had to), stretched my backs, and start to reverse the car. i reversed, and keep on reversing until suddenly.."Bhammm!!!". i pulled the hand break. shit. disastro megagalattico. somebody was honking like he just found the function of it, and it was mad. a couple of school kids started crying and ran into the skool compound. a young, kinda-cute guy came out of the car. there's another guy sitting at the passenger seat. he asked what was i thinking and whether or not i know how to drive. he looked at me as if i killed his brother. poyo lbey. putting my ego aside, i apologised to him, and secretly thought to myself that he can't help checking me out. nak sedapkan hati.

but then, couraged swooned all over me. i said to him. wait, how come i didn't see you coming from the back? i should see la kan? so long story cut short, both of us were to be blamed. i did the stupidest thing, to actually forgot looking at the rearview mirror.whoops. and he, was, shall i say, the epitome of the whole heart-wrenching incident -- he forgot to switch on the headlights.whoops again.

nobody was injured, except that i was probably emotionally affected by the traumatic experience. my car was okay, just a teeny-weeny bit of scratch, which nobody would notice. the dude's car was okay too, but he exaggerated 90% of the story to his "police uncle" to make it sound bad. there's a dent half the size of my foot (im size 8) in the front of his car. so it's discussed and agreed upon, that we'll pay 50/50. coz, i pun salah juga. so tak nak laa nanti karma ke apa. better do it the good way. no evil-evil.

i think my just-graduated (mcm just-married) sister needs to use the lappie.i need to get my ass off here.i'll continue with the touching story of the IZZA AND HER TEACHERS (AND TWO FRIENDS) - REUNITED on the next blog. ciao.

there's ups and downs in life.ive been down, and down so low, it's kind of a slow ride to get back up. but well, time is something that i have plenty of. for those who have commented on my blogs, thank you, and don't believe whatever you read.it's just my emotions talking.haha.whatever.

anyways, some of the most nerve-wrecking problems in my life have been solved. i decided to give that person another chance.

trust is something that he has to build within me again. and i didn't say it's going to be easy. but i'm up to give it a worthy try.

i do realize that people never run out of mistakes.and that is why a second chance is essential to make something work. even if someone misuse the second chance he was granted, there's always a second-second chance and a third-second chance..right?

thank you

terima kasih kepada semua pihak yg telah membantu saya ketika saya dlm kesusahan dan kepayahan..terutama sekali my support system : rakan-rakan taulan, jiran-jiran tetangga, dan sbgnya.

kepada keluarga, terima kasih kerana mengajar saya sesuatu yg baru dan mungkin pengalaman ini akan berguna kpd saya di masa hdpn.

terus, buat semua yg tlh membantu secara langsung mahupun tidak, terima kasih banyk2.semua yg tlh menyokong dr segi emosi,kewangan,dan sokongn moral.
terima kasih kalian semua!

the people that will help you when you are in need, is weirdly enough, the people you least expected.

just when you think

just when you think you can rely on someone, something will prove to you that the person isn't. and your heart will sore like never before, as you see the trust you have for them crumbles to the floor. when the only person i believe in this world, the one i really looked up to, break the trust i have in him, all i could do was cry.

i cried and cried like a baby to the four walls around me. and the only thing that can hear me was the spider on its web at the corners of the bookshelf.

i hate that feeling. the feeling of being cheated.

the chronicles of DrM, the PM, the Cabinet and Malaysia

hot on the news and making the cover page is none other our ex-pm Tun Dr Mahathir. it didnt appear to me as a shock, coz i know he's the type dat would actually do something like that. i was at the promuda conference recently where Tun was invited to give the keynote. the way he spoke on the mic was slow and steady - as if trying his best not to say the wrong things. but on the whole, the speech was very inspiring to us young souls and he generally briefed us on the real issues that is going on 'behind the scene'. after pointing out some of the issues and predicaments, he gave out his most honest opinions and inserted some solutions. while all of this was happening, i made a note in my head that he was so darn brilliant. he's a pure genius! there're lots of signs that showed he was a forward constructive thinker and i remembered him saying that whatever he's doing right now, is always for the far future.
tun also did say that he's already retired, so he shoud juz go home and sleep. don't have to worry anymore bout the country. sit home and shut up. just take a nap and play with grandchildren. but then, he added that that's exactly what he was planning to do when things starter to get on his nerves. he said he can't just sit home and shut up while singapore go on and bully us with nobody doing anything. he cant let the cabinet approve of transparency in media whatsoever. sooner or later, malaysians would want to know what exactly happened and that's why he questioned bout tengku mahaleel's renewal of contract and the sale of agusta. i nodded my head and agreed to every single statement he made in the newspaper, mags etc. but one thing that i truely and totally disagree is when he said that abdullah badawi is his second choice, not his first. how can he have said something awful like that? i mean, that dude went through loads of bumpety-bumps, plus he's only been there for 2 years (unlike tun, for 22 years) so let's juz give him a break and some moral support.
however, knowing tun, he seldom does anything without a reason. when i thought about it, i came to the conclusion that he must have an agenda. he cant have done all this out of the blue and was so darn brave to go out and make public statements that he know will stir the whole region. he must have a back-up plan. c'mon, he's been there for 22years. he knew us well. he knew how the system works. he practically knew the consequences like the back of his hands. he's notorious amongst the westerners and well-respected among muslim countries. whether it's good or bad, people look at him. so he cant have made a stupid mistake by saying controversial statements in public. he must know something that we don't. meantime, i'll keep on pondering what might be his major plan for taking all this steps.
he provoked openly some questions to the cabinet, enquiring someone to explain the whole truth on the four issues that he had pointed out. but unfortunately, our members of the cabinet were a bunch of scaredy-cats that they retreated, saying that tun has no rights in asking or speaking out now that he's no longer on board, and they ended up giving no explanation.nothing.nada.zilch. if you go to any forums (be it online or not) discussing on this topic, you would find that they are all mad as to why they (the cabinet) dont provide relevant explanations. it seemed like they, especially the pm, is in the wrong for doing what they did. but come to think of it, if you were in their (the cabinets) shoes, would you say anything? i dont think i would. first, because you're in the cabinet and the head is pak lah. so you listen to pak lah, not tun. second is probably that you dont want to lose your job by giving in and explain. so in short, the cabinet members are pretty much sandwiched between pak lah and his predecessor, tun.
talking bout chronism, most of those on board are paklah's die-hard-fans. i know i cant really say this, but it's as obvious as a black dot on a white piece of paper. and it takes a 5-year-old to notice. tun's people, like, musa hitam, allahyarham ghafar baba and some few others are the only ones in the cabinet. so they cant really argue against the majority.
it's true when tun said "why are they making such a chaos? i just asked some question for them to answer. that's all!". and yet, they keep on beating around the bush. when someone asked tun where he thinks we are heading as a nation, he answered non-chalantly and in coy "i'd like to say we're heading in the right direction, just to give some optimistic boost to everyone, but i'll have to say the truth. and the truth is we're heading nowhere. frankly, we're heading the wrong direction". it was 'ouch' but they say truth hurts, so it's reality i guess. now, when he said that, i was frantic at thinking our nation's condition and status. and then i realized how stupid we were for doing what we did, especially in the case of singapore. ugh.i just peeved them (oops). it'll take me another blog to write on this issue.
share your comments and opinions on this matter. i really really love to discuss about it.

back in control

yeah, two down, more to go. im starting to see sunshine little by little. the feeling's great and i might as well enjoy it while i can. this is very very impressive. im proud of myself. wahahaha. i have to say, im a promising tactics and strategy planner. (shit, boastful statement). now gotta focus on my next victim; the very much threatening woman (short term) - my dentist. how the hell am i going to face her, i have know idea. it's time for my alter ego (the wise one) to take charge and come up with a brill tactic to 'tumpaskan musuh tersebut'. she has no right whatsoever to say what i should do with my teeth. motto for this quest : my teeth,my money,my call.

equation on (pathetic) real life issues

equation on (pathetic) real life issues
hypothesis : (A + B = 1) (C + D = 1)
A <---> B C <---> D
A <---> D C x---> B
B ---> C
conclusion : A = 2, B = 1, C = 2, D = 2. B = foul.

there's gotta be something in everything

there's an end to everything that starts,
there's a solution to every problem,
there's a silver lining to every cloud,
there's a remedy to every wound,
there's a cure to every disease,
there's love in every heart,
there's a child in everyone,
there's a key to every door,
there's a road to every destination,
there's hope in every failure,
there's hardwork to every success,
there's sacrifice in every happiness,
there's a past beneath the present.
there's always something to something.
there can't be nothing to anything.
there's got to be something in everything.

there's gotta be something in everything

there's an end to everything that starts,
there's a solution to every problem,
there's a silver lining to every cloud,
there's a remedy to every wound,
there's a cure to every disease,
there's love in every heart,
there's a child in everyone,
there's a key to every door,
there's a road to every destination,
there's hope in every failure,
there's hardwork to every success,
there's sacrifice in every happiness,
there's a past beneath the present.
there's always something to something.
there can't be nothing to anything.
there's got to be something in everything.

nothing but a failure

sometimes, you just feel like disappearing. wish there is a hole somewhere which you can jump in and stay down there forever. or a magic closet that you can walk in to and transmit to another world where nobody would recognize you. it isn't about feeling embarrassed or anything of that sort. it's about feeling like a failure. like when you look at yourself straight in the eyes across the mirror, you see no hope, no vision, no optimism. you only see nothing. you wish you could smear and blotch the image in the mirror with a red lipstick. or even batter and punch so it would break down to tiny little pieces. then you walk on the sharp bits of the mirror on the floor until your feet bleed horribly. and you watch the dark blood stain on the tiles fade away into the pipe fissure as water runs. you might feel a twinge of satisfaction, but you realize that nothing would change. you'll get nothing except for rotten feet. the rest of the world is still the same. you walk out the doorstep of your house and a neighbour smiled, but you look away in return. your mom cooked you your favourite prawn fritters dish, but you can't as much as taste the plain water. a friend invited you to a party but you don't even feel like leaving your hard-pillowed bed. you have the notion that everything's in their customary routine but you don't seem like you're in the entire motion. you're just lost. lost in your own feelings of disappointment and letdown. every night when you lie in bed, you feel like a malfunctioned unit. a person without a purpose. an individual that is useless, worthless and futile. but just before you shut your eyes, you cry a prayer. you pray for all the strength in the world, and so that God would show you the way. give you hope to start anew tomorrow. and put a force to every single muscle in your body to not just walk, but to step forward and move ahead. and most importantly, you pray for the verve and dynamism to mend your faults. patch-up all your blunders and fix the errors you've made. then you go to sleep serenely, hoping to wake up to a brand-new life.