i'm ready

the song: a perfect representation of how I am feeling right now.

1. tired of the year 2009. very rocky. there are Ups, but there are more Downs.

2. happy that 2010 is coming - so I get to start on a clear slate.

3. also simultaneously sad, as last year of uni life is about to end.

4. on second thought, i really peeved 2009. if 2009 were to be a tangible thing, i would burn it and the ashes i would throw in the deepest sea.

5. on another second thought, i really can't wait for 2010 to come, despite self-doubts and other major worries.

p/s: i'm ready for 2010; coming in 4 days!

your walk

the walk was andante. it was steady, but somehow you felt racy; like you were restraining yourself from walking too fast and ended up leaning forward. you cannot wait to get to the destination you were supposed to be at. and the wristwatch you were wearing was evidence of your miscalculations of time and therefore you were late. everything was pushing you. you were supposed to be running, or at least taking huge steps; you should be worried, perspired, heaved.


but your facial canvas is blank. your stride is paced. well, you have everything in your mind.

you look strangely calm. but only you know the chaos in your head.

your mind is racy, it is running, it is miscalculating.

but you remain calm.. because you have to.

and so you take that walk. and your walk is andante.

"When sorrows come, they come not single spies,

But in battalions!"

- W. Shakespeare

o re piya (o beloved)

as the leaves of the willow withered to unite in the ground,

as our youth dries up in the age that we now are bound;

as moments speed and time runs leaving us,

as the sun swims in the vagueness of thick dust;

as the droplets of mist reveal only to disappear,

as we triumph our pasts only to shield our fears;

as the young becomes old and the old becomes dead,

as the nature works, our tears we shan't shed.

this poem is written for the amazing individuals who has perished in the name of God throughout the year 2009. it has been a year of great condolences and gloom, but this also serves as a reminder to those who still lives, to continue living and to move on.

i dedicate this especially to Kak Min, whom i respect so much (mostly for her work ethics, which showed in her films), for Michael Jackson (who died a Muslim), for Patrick Swayze (who proved to me that someone can really fall in love with dancing as much as a person), for my good friend, Adlan's mother, for Niza Syazre whose mother just left the world today, and for others i know and don't and their families who might be having a difficult time.

i say hang in there, it's just life.

p/s: the video is courtesy of Ajami Hashim. the short documentary was showed to the audience of the Yasmin Ahmad's Films book launch by Amir Muhammad at Sunway College recently.

3 x 3 x 3

waves crashing

back and forth

hitting shore

.

storm rumbling

rain dripping

through my skin

.

cry of pain

the heart aches

sombreity

.

you became

you wear and

you use

and

you became.

you put on

you watch

and

you became.

you walk and

you talk

and

you became.

you are pushed

you are reduced

you are used

and

you became.

you were asked

you refused

you were forced

and

you became.

you were told

you were told

you were told

and

you became.

you became

but you became

what you are told.

i really went ga-ga!

pretty fly, huh? the transitions to the various songs are really smart! the guys are cute too. hehe.

also, the matte black guitar caught my eye! it's dope!

i say, double thumbs up :)

p/s: i saw the video from lady fira's blog. thanks babe!

i'm a..slaaaave..for you.

post title: credits to Britney Spears. (obviously)


well hello blog,

today was the day that i feel like i "steal bones" (literally translatated from curi tulang).

ironically, i am damn proud of myself. i really needed the sleep la macha.

but, it is not for long. i am headed to the workshop like in a few minutes to continue enslaving myself. we're currently rushing with our set construction (for the theater i mentioned before) and therefore, it's really crunch time.

ah well, i could use some muscle and biceps myself.

anyway, for those interested, check this out. this is what i've been (happily) slaving myself for:

http://whoawillow.wordpress.com

we've been on the radio, tv, newspapers, websites, magazines etc.

go to the featured link on the web and read for yourselves!

ta for now :)


p/s: questions, suggestions regarding the theatre you can just drop it in the comments and i'll take time to enlighten you.

fools rush, wisely.

wisemen say, only fools rush in.

well, i say.. i dont bloody care!

impulsive is good, if you know when and how to be so.

"hidup ini hanya kepingan"

feeling rather mellow tonight.

here's some kick to go with that moon out there. can we say love? :)

Ingatkah Kita Pernah Saling Memimpikan
Berlari-lari Tuk Wujudkan Kenyataan
Lewati Segala Keterasingan
Lalui Jalan Sempit Yang Tak Pernah Bertuan

Ingatkah Kita Pernah Berpeluh Cacian
Digerayangi dan Geliati Kesepian
Walaupun Sejenak Lepas Dari Beban
Tuk Lewati Ruang Gelap Yang Teramat Dalam

Hidup ini Hanya Kepingan
Yang Terasing Di Lautan

Memaksa Kita
Memendam Kepedihan

Tapi Kita Juga Pernah Duduk Bermahkota
Pucuk-pucuk Mimpi Yang Berubah Jadi Nyata
Dicumbui Harumnya Putik-putik Bunga
Putik Impian Yang Membawa Kita Lupa

i know, this is a weird choice of a song (did you notice the "pria punya selera" at the beginning of the video? hehe). but anyways i just cant help but be reminded of the film Ada Apa Dengan Cinta, and i was pretty bumped that this song was played only up to the first chorus in that film. of all the songs from AADC, this song is the best and yet, it received so little recognition. and my, what good lyrics they have!

indeed, life is what you make out of the jigsaw pieces you have in your hands.

and while you can, go fall in love! (or not. whatever, you get my point)

old layout again (omg i have blog layout bipolar)

yey, back to the old look. i didnt even make it through one day. haha. cant stand any other layouts lah. seriously, i better just stick to this. so enchek pengirim e-mail, you can swallow your good intentions coz im most comfortable with this one and heck, this is my blog! lawl.

yet another annoyance

aku mendapat sebuah teks mesej malam tadi yang berbunyi begini:

"Jikalau anda boleh tahan nikmat koleksi video peribadiku yang hebat! sila balas ya. Warning! Hanya utk umur 18 keatas"


wtf.

kalaulah aku boleh tekan spam report ke apa. ish.

bogel

ini dia layout baru yang aku telah pilih.

pertama kali menukar layout blog.

kosong macam rumah baru.

rasa macam berbogel.

putih, instead of hitam.

argh pelik. warna putih adalah warna yang pelik.

kita biar dulu layout baru ni meresap dalam kalbu.

dalam dua hari nanti tengok balik, kalau rasa macam nak muntah, tukar kepada layout asal.

aku terima e-mail sabotaj

ada seorang pembaca blog ini yang memberi ku email baru-baru ini (takde la sabotaj ke apa haha), mengatakan blog aku sangat "boring and lack of visuals". hmm ok. kemungkinan juga ya, tetapi aku memang sengaja kurang meletakkan gambar, kerana aku tidak mahu mengumpul readers yang "visual" dan shallow.

memang aku sengaja menulis tanpa rasa perlu meng'attach' sekali gambar sebagai stimuli atau "visual aid" untuk para pembaca, kerana pada aku, pembaca blog rock paper scissors semuanya penyabar (dengan entries yang panjang berjela dan tiada paragraph, bak kata seorang peminat amir muhammad tuh), dan reti menggunakan teknik skim and scan selain tidak shallow.

dan aku juga tidak mahu meletakkan gambar aku all over the blog kerana aku rasa minda dan hati aku lebih cantik dari muka aku. dan itu adalah sole purpose aku memulakan blog ini 5tahun yang lalu. untuk berkongsi buah fikiran dan meluahkan emosi. bukan untuk menjadi popular, mendapat "Celebrity Blog", "Best Asia Blog Award" etc.

itu sebabnya blog aku tampak "boring" kerana aku nak tengok sejauh mana ramainya orang yang tak 'judge a book by its cover'. dan oleh kerana objektif yang sama juga aku tidak meletakkan "hits" atau "sitemeter" kerana aku bukan menulis atas sebab-sebab di atas.

berpatutan juga dengan ini, aku merasakan yang layout blog haruslah sesuai dengan inti patinya. kalau menulis tentang fashion (i.e.fashion blogs) of course harus meletakkan gambar-gambar baju atau model etc. or macam fotoblog. dan blog aku ini hanyalah sebuah blog meniti kehidupan yang merencana segala perkara-perkara 'in-betweens' dalam hidup seorang insan bernama teroyalcrapster. lantas, aku merasakan tidak perlu untuk aku mempunyai blog layout yang sangat gempak tahap puaka dan padat dengan gambar-gambar.

dan wahai pengirim email, sekiranya kau ingin benar melihat wajahku, silalah add aku di facebook di mana, aku adalah aku dan aku bukanlah diriku yang ingin bermonolog..mu pahe dok apa yang kawe ghoyak ni?

tetapi ada juga betulnya email yang panjangnya separuh muka surat itu.

dia kata "maybe you should try a new layout".

hmm, mungkin it is time. sudah terlalu lama aku menggunakan layout ini. izlia, adik ku yang juga penulis blog, menukar layoutnya dalam sekali setiap minggu! sungguh radikal! dan aku yang dah 5tahun menulis ini, masih guna layout yang sama!!

aku sememangnya menyukai simplicity, dan sesuatu yang intrinsically explicit. pergh apakah maksudnya itu. rungkai lah sendiri. haha.

ok pokoknya, aku rasa ada kemunkinan yang aku akan menukar layout baru. thanks to insan penghantar email. dan layout baru itu haruslah bertepatan dengan jiwa dan rohani aku dan blog aku. dan keputusan ku ini bukan kerana sogokkan email itu, mahupun kerana penulisnya, tetapi kerana aku merasakan yang "it doesnt hurt to change" dan aku juga mahu buktikan bahawa walaupun luarannya tampak berbeza, di dalam masih serupa.

it is that feeling, of wanting to talk to somebody,

but you dont know who.

motif?

aku rasa menyampah dengan kepura-puraan yang sudah nyata lagi bersuluh. talam dua muka juga aku rasa patut dihukum atau paling tidak, diberi pengajaran. entah lah, rasanya sudah besar panjang untuk dileteri, dan oleh kerana faktor usia yang semakin meningkat itu juga yang membuatkan aku rasa penat untuk melayani karenah-karenah sebegini.

sikap kebudak-budakan. membenci satu sama lain. menikam belakang. semua itu hanyalah senarai pendek perkara-perkara yang bisa diperlakukan. penat, menyampah, sakit hati. itu pula kesan rentetan perbuatan-perbuatan tersebut terhadap perasaan mangsa dan pemangsa.

sudah aku rasai semua itu dan tidak mahu lagi aku berada dalam situasi yang sama. dan aku percaya, kalian pun merasa yang serupa.

my birthday song

this song goes out to all the December babies out there, and one very special friend who shares the same day with me, the 6th, Munirah Hishamshah.




h a p p y b i r t h d a y :)

to Ingrid, you never fail to make beautiful music :p

hmm

big or small, change is essential, and inevitable.

what an ass

What does Alfred Noble has in mind when he first established the Nobel Peace Prize award decades ago? namely, it should be awarded to:

‘the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses.’

therefore, is it appropriate that Barack Hussein Obama receive this award after announcing to send more US army troops to Afghanistan? quoting him saying that he prefers not to hand off the nation to another president.

i know this is practically old news, but it's still relevant right now as he decided to end his 92-day report on the war yesterday with that speech and to actually have mutual agreement with the UK and France to keep on sending troops.

Obama is a puppet. He is deceiving and blowing that smoke screen in front of the people of the world, especially to the Muslims saying "now there, why are you mad at me for? im just doing the right thing. this war shall end that long endless war president Bush set up". for one, a war will never be good. the nature of war itself is evil, but there's no need to make a twist on the "intentions" of war. we all know, war is the epitome of all things bad.

on that account, just like a "by the way" thing, i have never actually believed that bullshit of a nobel prize anyway. exaggerated, and those who ever received that, mostly are jews pretending to be 'victims' or 'underdogs' in whatever field they are in, and then to rise as heroes helping out with the world fraternity. i say berambus with your nobel. Tun Dr. Mahathir should be receiving that. He worked his good ass of to stop that war with the "Criminalize War" conference and everything.

the nobel prize is a ticket. its like if you have that, you are entitled to do anything, and they all would seem "noble". so now, with that new label for Hussein Obama, i believed he's more than happy to use it, for the "benefits" of everyone. why, thank you United States of A*sholes, i believe we have been more peaceful without you interfering in the business of others.

i managed to calm myself down, hearing about the news of Obama receiving the award, some time back. but today i just had to at least say something cause i just felt so baffled and and amused at the joke that he was pulling. like wth. you think we're stupid? obviously some 'former president' has a say in this too. and we all know that guy wants something badly.

to end this, (although my heart and mind is still unrested about the whole thing) i think we all ought to stop believing to propaganda or anything that looks too good to be true. in mass, we are all too vulnerable. ironic, indeed.

the tunnel

some things have gone back to normal. i used to be hopeful, and ridicule my own wishful thinking. but nature do have its way of making things happen. most of the times, unexpectedly; when you think it's an inch to impossible..it happens, just to prove you wrong.

how funny, nature pulling your leg. sometimes i think God might have a sense of humour that we all over-looked.

and here it is, at this very moment.
me, looking down the tunnel in retrospective. i wouldnt have expected any of the things that happened would take course in my life.

the tunnel is full of surprises. especially of what lies at the end of it.

difficult feeling

something's squeezing real tight at the end of my jantung.

hmm.

i miss my students.


really, really miss all of them :'(

Bercerita tentang Si Pencerita

I just finished reading Amir Muhammad's Yasmin Ahmad's Films, and i have to say, it envoked a lot of things in me. just within that one read of the book, i have travelled back and forth to the past, present and future.

one, is because it is pre-requisite, to be able to mentally travel to these separate sections as you need to recall Yasmin's films that you've watched, as you are reading. second, as it involved so many emotions that are relatable to the many life experiences we (the readers)'ve been through, that you jumped from one memory of your life to another constantly. third, i cant help visiting the things that could be ahead of time as i think about the things that Yasmin might have come up with..and how she could actually change our nation, and eventually, the world.

critics have been criticizing (coz thats just what they do) Yasmin's work for as long as i can remember. but thats the thing; they often mark her down for, the technicalities of her products. they see her films as her work, not her art. there's a huge difference there that you could put mexico in between.

she often quotes andrew wyeth (a great painter), and the essence of the quotes are normally consisting of how your emotions and feelings as an artist are portrayed in your art; that art cannot be forced. therefore art is pure, honest, true and simple. unless the beholder of the criticisms want them to be otherwise.

what amir has done is his book, is basically just straightening out all the misconceptions and judgements of people who've made negative remarks, and have constrained ideas of her films. he did an amazing job of laying out all the facts (i.e. the symbolisms in Yasmin's films), and at the same time express his personal views of the films and adverts. he also inserted trivias in the book about the things related to the films or Yasmin herself (i.e. the green tea donut. it was her

favourite j.co flavour, and thus was made the cover of the book).

me personally, when i watch her films, i get more than what i see. there are so many subtexts, and yet she managed to put it all in as simply and as unflustered as possible. her films gave room for debates and discussions, because she normally would deliberately leave some space for the viewers' interpretations and ideas of "how it could be". she lets the audience craft with her, to make it relevant to them too.

i like all her films, except for Mukhsin. it's just too stretched and i have a lot of wtf? moments when i watched it. i might have to watch it again and see how i react then.

of all her works, my most favourite is her film, brilliantly called Talentime. i love it even more, after i read Amir Muhammad's commentary on this film in his book. the fact that it's her last film, also undeniably adds to the appeal. i love everything about this film, that i wished i had written it myself. haha. oh by the way, i love everything about the film, except for the plastic family ties of Melur's family, and Melur herself. Pamela Chong? are you kidding me? she hasnt gone through much in her life and that shows in her acting. whereas her character is supposed to be well-developed. how can you be so calm when you almost lost your loved one! dammit. so it's the fault of wrong casting of Melur and maybe her siblings too. if the film should be criticized, its because of them. hahaha! (yes im blunt with criticising).

anyways, amir muhammad is a fantastic writer and very informative too. his language is simple, yet has a depth that you would not understand if you were so ignorant. in some ways, he reminds me of Yasmin. yes of course because he is writing about her, but also maybe his style of writing, which i think if translated, would be how yasmin did her films. simple, deep, meaningful and most importantly appear as if they (yasmin and amir) are talking to us through their arts.

loser, tapi tak kalah

aku rasa, tak ada seorang yang lebih loser dari aku. terutama selepas kejadian hari ini.

buktinya? hanya dengan satu perkataan: bunkface.

dengar saja alunan gitar, atau suara-suara ala sam, pasti aku terkejar-kejar mencari. dah jumpa, nampak pula raut wajah youk. dan seterusnya paan. jantung terus berdegup bagai bunyi dram rentak lagu revolusi. ah, apakah perasaan ini?

hari ini, aku ditugaskan untuk menyebarkan flyers di sekitar jalan bukit bintang, di mana event everyone connects TM berlangsung. ramai orang tidak terhingga. kebanyakkannya para muda-mudi berkaca mata RayBan, tak pun berkacamata nerdy geeky yang super besar, berseluar skinny, berkasut reebok, vans, macbeth, tiger etc. aku tidak pedulikan.

objektif ku hanya dua:

1. menyebar sampai habis flyers ku. dan memberi informasi tentang tayangan teater itu.
2. melihat kelibat bunkface, dan cuba menarik perhatian mereka. (terutama si Y).

cerita dipendekkan, aku sedang berdiri pabila tiba-tiba imej bunkface muncul di skrin besar. hati ku terus berdetak, aku pusing dan sudah tentu sekali, mereka sedang berdiri di atas mini pentas di belakang ku!

apa lagi, aku terus mendengar diriku menjerit tidak hiraukan orang sekeliling dan melompat-lompat mengikut rentak di hadapan mereka. aku cuba ber'groove' secara paling sopan dan menarik perhatian yang mungkin. aku nampak mata paan mengerling ke arah ku. mungkin aku tampak familiar baginya. mana taknya, kebanyakkan persembahan bunkface, aku berada di depan. namun En. Y terus fokus menyanyi. dia seorang yang serius agaknya.

aku pun mempergedikkan diri sehingga habis lagu tersebut. lagu through my window yang semakin popular dicorong radio dan tv. habis sahaja lagu, Sam berjenaka "asyik lagu ni je, bosan". tetapi En. Y tidak begitu. beliau sentiasa tampak fokus dan menghayati apa jua lagu yang dinyanyikan. aku suka orang yang berdedikasi.

aku sempat juga bergambar ketika mereka sedang beraksi. tetapi, apa yang menjadi 'cherry on top' adalah semestinya saat aku ber"sep" (macam salam la) dengan En. Y. ahh, bahagia! paan juga ku sep, dan dia mengangkat keningnya tanda "aku ingt budak ni from somewhere".

sejurus selepas itu, aku terus mengambil peluang untuk memanjangkan flyers ku pada En. Y (salah satu strategi ku). pada flyer tersebut tertera nombor telefon ku untuk penempahan tiket. lalu aku bulatkan supaya dia jelas, itulah nombor yang sepatutnya dia dail. aku pun berkata "Err Y, nah. teater kitorang..datang tau!" sambil melempar senyuman yang paling manis sehingga beliau mungkin mendapat diabetes. beliau mengambilnya dengan muka "huh?" dan membaca segenap kertas itu. aku mengambil saat itu untuk bernafas. apabila aku kembali membuka mataku, beliau sudah pun beredar.

dan baru ku sedar, betapa losernya aku.

tapi aku tak kisah!

oh hati gembira :)

jika

jika aku diberi satu peluang
untuk berharap
akan ku doa
agar kau pulang.

jika aku diberi hajat
untuk mencari
jejak mu yang hilang
akan ku pergi cepat.

jika kita diberi waktu
agar akhirnya bertemu
akan ku tunggu
tibanya saat itu.



mode: jiwang.

we know how we feel

at times you can just understand how a person feels. you say "yeah, i know how u feel." and that person dissed you saying "no you dont!". but it is no miracle that some things and events that happened to another person has happened to you too at some point in your life. you might have reacted a little differently or maybe similar, but the situation, the problem is identical.

you identify with the sadness, the tears and the disappointment. or if it's a good thing, you share the same happiness, the joy all the laughter and smiles. mostly, it's indescribable. it's not visible. but you know you feel the same. you know all the waves and energy going on in the person's mind. you get why that person do what he/she did. and all your assumptions and predictions of the situation is accurate; your interpretations of the person's feelings are impeccable. so you say what you said: i know how you feel. but after saying that, it made you sound so smart, as if you know all about him/her. as if you can read minds and faces.

then you cant help but show an honest flicker of guilt in your eyes. and that, has given away to that person. that flicker, made the person snapped you with defense mechanism, denying the fact that you might really know how he/she feels.

and you sat silently, wishing you hadnt said all that. and in actual fact, that is all a person ever need. silence. the silence that enwraps your deepest empathy. your silence, will say a thousand words for you. your silence will give the hug you yearn to give. your silence, with great intentions can be the best gift, the best conversation a person ever had with you. in this silence, it is conveyed exactly that you know how he feels.

say yes to me lahhh

pretty bumped for not being able to attend the YES 2009 @ PICC. i think the chance to win a seat there is like finding a string of hair in a hay barn. or like trying to hold water in your hand. impossible. you have to have an amazing ounce of luck in your breed to get a chance. bloody hell.

we talked about the perfect marriage

went out for supper just now with the peeps. 'berkumpul' at McD's and then decide where to eat. pfft. wasted effort. had to use the coke shaker from Chip's phone to help us name the place to eat. wth. nobody ever leave food to fate. haha. we even draw lots and count votes. but all ends in vain.

so finally went to Pelita (just cause i need some hot drink), kira i was the tie-breaker lah. hoh. we played countless rounds of "Apa Pendapat Korang.." or "Ok If Korang.." or "Korang suka/nak...yang macam mana?"

i.e. "Korang nak husband-to-be korang propose macam mana?"

Most of the questions revolved around love, marriage, relationships etc. it was great fun lah. some blasphemous questions thrown around, radical thoughts and all that jazz.

wish can do those stupid ridiculous wth out of this world kind of things more often. i like the smart kind of stupid. or vice versa. (ok, i just took 3 panadol soluble and am not thinking rather straight. forgive my rantings. i promise i did make a point there. haha)

sometimes, i dont like pendaflour lights. its so average. yea random again.

erk.

taken from KL StreetStyle (at Blogspot)

this is hard to say, but i feel if i dont there's gonna be a huge lump in my stomach. i am actually a little bit confused, and overwhelmed at the photo. unique, definitely but there's still something err hmm..?

what is it? you tell me.

footnote: click on photo for larger view. also, i really dig what the person has done with the belt! simply awesome!

as good as honey

was making song requests at the fly.fm webpage (lame, i know) and decided to check out hunny madu's songs. i once heard she has a great voice, but im not really a fan, and dont find her worth checking out.

but.

truth be told, i think she kinda have something there. maybe. after i checked out her home made video i thought "hmm not bad!"

here it is. her best, i think:




so what do you think?

recent updates

nothing physically productive these days. i literally have stocked on fat and sugar in bulk, which makes real sense to me. haha. been going to and fro between shah alam and kl and other destinations in between to pick/send/see/fetch some things/people up. this past two weeks alone i've visited KLIA six times. sheesh.

anyways.

i was doing my pre-registration for next semester the other day and i was slap shocked to earth when i noticed the "Part/Semester" slot was written with the number "8". which means my very final semester (if i manage to finish all my courses in time and with decent grades). oh no, is it really here? dayum.

i really can do without the nostalgic, down memory lane, and whats-next-huh? phase right now. i am not a fan of transitions so much - you know the times where you go from primary to high school and high school to the university..those kinda thing. it's too much hassle sometimes and it drains you out of yourself.

right now i've got too many things in my hands like sand and i feel it slip out from the corners of my fingers. time is on my side, but it doesnt feel so. i'll probably go jogging tomorrow. maybe i'll feel better about myself and my time and who knows, check out on some health-conscious, athletic fellow joggers or basketball players. sounds like a plan.


p/s: been watching running in heels and taking the stage. interesting stuff going on in them!

spot me if you can #5 [extended version]

went to the Readings held at the Seksan's new place in Bangsar, called Sekeping Tenggiri. it was an apt place for an evening of some lit fix. There were great budding and renowned poets and writers who read for last saturday and i definitely felt honoured for being able to read in their presence. i even met Lyna Usman whom i've read with for a tribute for her late father, the Usman Awang, few months back.

it was a bi-monologue by me and my good friend Moja that we sort of brainstormed the night before. hehe. twas about two lovers separated by the sense of their differences. didnt even have a proper title. hope i could come back to read some of my own pieces.

on that note, we were also there to promote our theater production, "Whoa! Willow!!" which is mainly to raise fund for Tasputra Perkim. the theater would be staged in January 2010 and im involved as a crew, not one of the casts. haha can never imagine myself acting! for more info, do check out the webpage here!

some of the people who went there did post up some photos from the Reading. and Sharon Bakar (organiser) did a review on it in her blog. so, spot me if you can (definitely not as hard as like pulling your nose hair).

spot me if you can #4

recently joined mycjn for the 350 climate change flash dance and mob "freeze" around kl. it is concurrently getting much needed attention from malaysians.

it was also featured in the nut graph. find me in one of the photos.

kau harus ada

this is the first song by Hujan that i actually like. i enjoy the fact that the keyboard tunes is able to reach a corner of my heart that it would otherwise fail to without the keyboard. magical, that it takes the song to a whole different level altogether.

also, it's close to mind-boggling over how Noh unfailingly reminds us in most of his lyrics that all of us and everything else in this world are temporary, as evident in this song too:

"rasa itu ini sementara, ku takkan di sini selamanya.."

and from one human being to another, i think he's doing a good deed.

lelah parut senyum dah jemu

metafora cair bertemu

rasa itu ini sementara

ku takkan di sini selamanya

rugi jika sendiri

hanyut jika sendiri

kau harus ada

kau harus ada di mana tempat ku berada

kau harus ada

kau harus ada bersamaku

pull and tug

what
a constant spinning action

how
a sensation of pulling and tugging

why
a lop-sided weigh machine

choosing comes after choices

we are all just too spoilt for choice. and we wrongly name it, rights and equality. pfft.

side-tracked

is it okay to sometimes wish you are someone else? or rather, just yourself but in a different setting? to maybe grow up some place the extreme opposite of the one you are accustomed to. hold a different citizenship. live the life of a person in a different position.

if only we can live a long life and learn all the things there is to learn in this world and beyond.

if only everyone can get their happy-endings.

if only, if only.

but most of the times, what you're looking for is just right where you left it.

deferred.

just found out a bad news today. ugh. she said i have to wait another year. "you're barely out of school!" i will be, soon. "but still, you never know. things can go wrong in a minute, what more 6 months!". i hate nay-sayers.

sigh, guess that'll be a long wait for me. meantime, chin up!

peeves

what i wouldn't live for these days:

1. bad drivers

stupid, plain stupid.

2. food poisoning

just had one this morning.

3. wannabes

budak-budak baru nak 'up'

4. impostors, liars

honesty is the best policy lahhh

5. rigid people with confined judgements

it's the millenium for crying out loud!

6. ignorant and stupid human beings

especially those in power and deemed as leaders.

7. suckers

they suck positivity, opportunities, your ass, asses, endorphine; just about anything to get what they want. and they suck.

8. those who dont signal on the road

i know this refers to #1, but its so unforgivable that it has to be under its own category.

9. certain group of indonesians

enough said. (cant say too much without starting a war! haha) <-- pun intended.

10. bugs

ants, flies, whatever; they all piss me off a lot these days. they are everywhere. it could be the mating season, but heck. they're in my food, cup, hair, on the table, between the kain etc. please go away bugs.

choosing to fail

it was a deep engraving in the heart;

a hundred nails hammered through.

giant waves, that crashed against the stonewalls;

creating apostles..

fragile. and waiting to tumble.

i stood on the edge

and took the plight down

even before;

long before.

i can talk about anything i want

been a very hectic week, for a few weeks now. i think since Ramadhan. my feet are beginning to show signs of rebellion: "You made us stand too long!" "We walked here and there in your uncomfortable shoes!". Oh the shriekings my feet would have made.

which (always) brings me back to think macroscopically. what do all these mean? all the raya and open house and all the frills. it made us all so darned tired and now when we go to see people we cant even fake a smile. all i give now is a '1/2 of 1/4 smile', which looks like im about to go to the loo. (haha, you know that was a lie. i enjoyed it all, i smiled and laughed my heart out! just being over dramatic). but still, at the end of everyday for the past few weeks, i went to bed and everytime i begin to recite the bedtime prayer i snored an endless, im-friggin-tired-i-can-sleep-for-years kinda snore. baru bismillah mata dah separuh.

but what i want now is not sleep. (what a surprise!) all i want is to swim in a pool filled with chocolate and wine (eh haram.) and make an appearance in gerard butler's dream. how awesomistic.

villager 1: who does she think she is! wanting to be in gerard's dream!
villager 2: yeah! there's a waiting list if you havent noticed!
villager 3: what a #$^#&! i liked him first!
metro girl: hey have you guys heard? the Isetan pre-sale is today! you get an extra 10% discount with every purchase!
villagers: ???

editor's note: this particular writer is currently undergoing an intensive search for her cerebral cortex, the place where rational thinking takes place (duh). she has lost hers, it seems, for the time being; due to overdose of perencah segera mi bandung and rapid flashes of bright light from cameras.

title here

just read Karim Raslan's Ceritalah: Malaysia in Transition which i found unmoved on the shelf. there was his signature "For Izelan, Karim Raslan". it was my father's. he was always whining about not having a 'passion', a hobby. like his other brothers: music, gadgets and even the supernatural. but i said; look, maybe your passion is in books, in reading. and i remembered him nodding slowly.

i like that about him. i like how my parents had me sleep in the mini library (there were not enough rooms. all were growing up and three in a room is like placing the whole of America in Singapore --> political pun) and i would discover unusual, old books from yesteryear and just look at the words. the typewritten words' fading black ink in times new roman.

but for sure i am not as shallow as i might sound. the contents of the books are very much 'educational' or mostly, provocative. i think that was where i found my interest in politics. books of warfare are not too much of my interest; there wasnt many books on that anyway. but soon when my brother grew a little bit older he started filling up the shelves with cold war, ancient weaponry etc.

he got that from my uncle. i think all my uncles are bookworms. they spent hundreds on books, but not on a wedding. hehe joke.

anyway, where was i going with this? oh ok, karim raslan. ok he's gonna be in the next post. too much info here.

coolest thing on Earth (for me, for now)

afiq just bought me a Smiggle 4-in-1.

it is a red pen, blue pen, a mechanical pencil and a highlighter all in one "pen". the highlighter is also detacheable from the whole thing. i think it is the coolest thing i've received so far this year. transcending the factor of price, and taking into the light the function.

it is called: Cuattro Maxi Pen (by Smiggle).

also a new item from Smiggle (i noted), as the time i went to the Smiggle store i didnt see any of those. ahaha. i bought a bunny eraser and two notebooks the first time i went. irresistable.

he bought it from Australia (which was i think a long time ago!) but only got around to giving it just now, in a brief encounter.

along with the Smiggle, he gave me a box of blue-man paperclips. how adorable.

afiq if you're reading this (which im assuming you are, since you're always quoting back to me..hehe), i'd like to say thank you so much! how did you know my infatuation with stationeries? you totally get me man. ahahaha. and also thanks for your support with my "arts" (i.e. coming to the poetry recital), for calling me up for hours of gossip, fetching me when my car broke down and for the times you made to hang out when im bored. haha.

Afiq, you're the coolest neighbour a person can have!

breaking

the forces that pulls
you out of it
is too powerful.

the core however
pulls you in
with deep strengths.

and you break,
you break
with no sympathy.

drug

this is a drug.

the heart

one of the great things about the heart is that it can feel and not have to be wrong or right. it transcends rationality yet is able to comprehend the most intricate of interactional messages. it is allowed to be overboard, overwhelming, and overinterpreted; but it remains free from judgements and punishments.

it influences others in ways that are unimaginable, unexpected. it appears in many different forms that one can never tell. it disguises itself, hides behind actions, responses to reactions.

it moves the eyes, and make it cry. it moves the mouth and let it speak truth; the heart never lies. it battles the frontal lobe of the brain and wins; with empathy and humanly reasons. it moves the hands, so that it gives to those who need. it moves the feet to walk the right path.

it makes you do the things you think are irrational, but somehow, just feel right.

those are the signs of a good heart. and paired with good thinking, the best is bound to happen.

tip of the day uh-uh

here's a tip:

dont park at Sooka Sentral..ever. (next to KL Sentral, opposite Suasana Sentral Condo)

reasons:

1. horrendous officers and service
2. extremely expensive. (RM8.00 for 1hour and 10min)
3. very limited parking bays (there's only one level)

silver lining:

the waiter at Zen forgot to charge my lunch meal set. so i got free lunch! (which i later used to pay the parking. crap.)

"fantastic"

what a bummer.

im supposed to be sleeping and dreaming away about the greatness of rendang tok and lemang haha but im right here trying to rake every corner of my brain for ideas.

i mean, its not a particularly difficult topic anyway, i kinda love this stuff.

52 Tahun Kemerdekaan: Isu dan Cabaran

but i just really cant think of any good ones. i have a few cliched points, but then i might as well just sleep. i need something fresh, a great angle to see it from. but im just too tired pegi beraya the whole freaking day.

the presentation is tomorrow. for kolej mara banting students. gilo apo. ahh what the heck. the power point needs to be at least something up to date la kan, sat gi bebudak tu dok kutuk bunyi tepuktepuk kat slideshow aku. hahaha.

if any of you is still awake at this hour, and looking for a pastime activity. with lots of great malaysianism ideas and general knowledge, single hot and looking for a date (gender unspecified), please respond to this call for help. mercy me. 911. help. help. i need ideas for the aforementioned topic.

good day people. or if you are exceptionally optimistic, then GREAT day for you. you know, you cant run away from problems. indulge! indulge!

i <3 challenges
i <3 problems
i <3 challenging hot males

ok you're reading a literal, i-just-lost-my-brain post. i got a brain concusion in my right knee. proves how crazy this minute is. i should think of a career as a rapper. i can do hiphop. i'll learn how to 'drop em beats'.

ok people, fo real. shizzo manidzzo. i better bounce, coz the old me is dead and gone.

ahahahha. den gilo, den memang gilo.

flustered cluster

what do you do when your head is filled with a carnival of things, and your heart is a jamboree of feelings?

how do you straighten them all up one by one, and sort them out one after another and lay your eyes in peace?

when your adrenaline is racy and your blood maximizing the vessels, how do you cope?

how do you manage to stay in the same state of mind, same position even after the endless rollercoaster ride?

how do you find peace and serenity in all the chaos?

the answers to all the questions, surprisingly, do not vary that much from a person to the next. goes to show that humans crave for the same priceless things.

that time of year

it's that time of the year again, the holy month of Syawal. i am just like every other Muslims out there; busy celebrating - visiting relatives, friends and vice versa. and i have unconsciously forgotten about my blog. hahaha. i'll update about my Eid pretty soon.

as for now, i'd like to humbly wish all my Muslim readers and the rest of the Muslim population of the world a prosperous and meaningful Eid Mubarak.

Selamat Hari Raya

Maaf Zahir dan Batin

:)

pokerfaced covers

currently in love with this pretty new band. and this version of Pokerface, im totally enamored!






of course there are other covers which are as nice to listen to, like Daughtry's and Pixie Lott's, but i still like the original by Ladu Gaga best. it makes me want to groove whenever, wherever its on!

the letter

you look at those photos

and you feel a huge pang

in your stomach

like an arrow shot

right through the heart

but not in a cupid manner.

a very simple gesture

made years ago

an assurance of something

and a turning around

but then it dropped in silence.

you wondered.

and then you stopped wondering.

and later you found them again,

the photos

and things have changed.

not so much of

a verbal confrontations

but there was a letter.

there was a letter

and all the exact words

are drummed into my head

one after another.

and so i remembered

e ve ry thing

but i have no evidence

i have no idea where

i put the letter

and so it all

dropped in silence again.

hello Monday.

what do people do on a Monday? work, go to class, arrange things for the rest of the week.



what do i do on a Monday? *long silence*

the Dollar Trump

WARNING: contents might be boring. this is strictly not about Donald Trump (though he is involved not straight-forwardly) but about ze Trump of ze Dollar.

how long has it been since the last time i blogged about politics? gosh, i must've have mellowed. ahaha.

anyway, big news.

bloomberg has reported that the UN now wants to have a new currency to avoid financial imbalances, which created the current state of economy.

i dont say it's too late, but rather, i feel like saying "I told you so".

Malaysia (specifically Tun Mahathir) has voiced out the concerns of a possible global recession due to this predicament some time in 2006, however was left to be blown with the wind as (quoting Tun) "Malaysians are not supposed to know anything about money, about finance. So nobody listens."

Now suddenly they want to propose to everyone with this "divine idea" and say that oh we can rescue this. and call for the global nations to support this "idea". wth. it's been thought of long time ago.

But back in those years when he reigned Malaysia, Tun suggested that all Islamic countries come together under one financial umbrella, which is to use the Dinar Emas..which i FULLY SUPPORT. but then he stepped down, hand over his position to Pak Lah and then BOOM. we all fell into the supermassive blackhole not to be seen or heard.

in truth, this is actually perfect. we all need this. it's just that i feel like there's a huge double standard that we dont get to suggest ideas, our ideas are all pre-labelled lame and useless without any chances of being heard, and then suddenly they secretly re-package this proposal and make it theirs. THEY (you-should-know-who) always wants to be the one to rescue, to save the people of the world. when in true fact, they're a bunch of baddies trying to look innocent and heroic.

anyways, we'll see how this thing with the new currency goes. see if it works or not. if it doesnt, i think Malaysia should just stick to the idea of using Dinar Emas. i still think it's one of the best things Tun has ever think of that has not been realised. it'll be good if somebody make it a reality.



p/s: next post (on politics), i'll tell you why i 100% dig the usage of Dinar Emas.

life is inconsistently consistent; like the weather.

one thing we are allowed to have, sometimes: escapism.

get blown away

from poop-art by dianarikasari

many things these days just swept me off my feet. the little things people do for you and say to you or about you. i can never feel ever so happy and life is one huge lollipop.





ironic. the mind said.





yes, ironic that these two weeks have been very dramatic and tragic with two big farewells and an inappropriate ending of this semester - assignments. ironic, that tears have been hanging around the lids and the gloomy mood i've been in. ironic, that i should not be eating (buka puasa) alone in such a harmonic month of Ramadhan and yet i did. ironic, that i've so much to do and to be completed that i should be planning the perfect japanese-style suicide right now. ironic, in every way and every sense.





yet, there is that little feeling that makes you smile. triggered by things that people do and say to you. there are good people in this world. i've always believed that. im an optimist, yes. but im also a realist. so yeah, its possible to be a person who magnetize good people and good vibes. i hope i am that person so that i shall never be sad. even if i do, all the positive aura will tear the somberness down.

oh.

a divine word.
a word that defines many things.
universal.
over-used.
under-acknowledged.
it means everything to me;
now.
life-changing.
self-realization.
slap in the face.
what the hell have i been thinking.
and then it crashes before my eyes.
and i said oh.

under the 'covers'..

..are great musicians. they use their musical skills to improvise other people's music. which could be better or worse. but i normally like alternatives and choices. so im always up for good covers; see what other people can do with the same material.

so for this post, i'd like to introduce Eric Wuest (if you haven't known him yet). he makes great covers mostly on violin. perfect one man show. these are two of my fave:

1. Famous Last Words (covered for MCR)




i like that he made it sound kind of celtic from 2:17 onwards. bellissimo!


2. Mr. Brightside (covered for The Killers)





he played three times separately on violin and once on piano to make it sound full, but the end product just sound blended and perfectly timed. not many changes from the original, but great nontheless.


maybe im just a sucker for instrumental covers, i dont know. ahahaha. the fact that he's geekishly hot helps..a lot. (sempat lagi :p)

poetry around the desk

aganol,
antibacterial floor cleaner;
apple fresh.

garden home,
body lotion;
carnation.

ak turistik,
turkish bookmark;
woven.



p/s: inpired by the things lying randomly on my desk at the moment this poem is produced; in standard format. oh btw, dont wonder why i have the floor cleaner on my desk. ahaha.

a Lott to offer

my fave song from the leon's, apart from 'sex on fire', covered. as close as she can get to perfect. she got my approval this time! (not so much into 'mama do')

fool on freedom

trapped, in this freedom
suffocated, with the wisdom
marvel, your divine fingers
and you know, it still lingers

i come to face it, like that
it stares at me, straight
like a downside up bat
not a drop of fear, not afraid

freedom; that is what it was
now it is a line, a boundary
a spiral in which i am lost
a ground, an under, to bury

this soul is free and yet
it is as trapped as it can get,
but alas, none is to be blame
the virtue is in its name.

celebrating what i have

...

what do i have at this point of my life?


1. my family, who have seen me with or without clothes on (haha), surviving through my tantrums, cried and laughed together, growing up and growing into each other every second of the day.

2. one or two friends (or a few, definitely not many), who has been through thick and thin with me like they are family, and not making a big fuss out of it (and neither am i, couldnt ask for more).

3. decent amount of happiness. im not too happy that life is practically a party. and im not that sad and disappointed either with life that i have to plan the perfect suicide mission. im just the right amount of happy to still feel the need to earn for it.

4. personal vision and missions. i now have a few goals that i try to achieve and they have given me the drive to keep living everyday the fullest. short term, long term, all that jazz.

5. haters and nay-sayers. there are a whole bunch of them. some strangers, mostly those i know. these are the people that are bringing me down. but in contratry to what they think, i wont break under their terms. what cant break you, will make you stronger. we need them in our lives. it's like good bacteria (haha).

6. a long way to go. yes, i still have a whole journey ahead of me. and i aint lookin' back.

heaven

touching, the way she sings..

click here to watch it.

i just threw a bunch of words in a post and this is what i get

warning: this post is ugly. can't think straight and just need to get some words and thoughts out. if possible dont read it at all. currently very very messy in terms of everything. messy and tight. you can say life is in the pitfalls now, but i've been worse. so yeah im still alive and unfortunately have to deal with the shitzone.
i need two things: money, and a PA.

i have limited words

i use the same over and over

in attempts to mean

in attempts to propagate

i dont usually mean

the things i said

mostly went without

thorough thinking

i dont own a lot

the things i have

are very precious

i dont have lots of time

i dont own sacks of money

in fact the one word

that can describe

where i am in the

society right now is

limited.

limited words and therefore

making limited sense.

limited ways in spending

cause i ain't got cash.

limited to think

i am often told how to do so,

not very productive.

ugh im just limited and

not in an exclusive way.

and i might not act my age.

omg i have too much issues here.

today at school

well what do you know, it's the day before the school holidays. i cant say i wasnt sad or feeling a little bit like an old person watching her granddaughters and grandsons go back to the city; leaving her all alone at the kampung. what i felt was rather similar to that.

amidst all the honks (handmade by some boys using used water bottles? memang kreatif) after the last school bell rang, and the laughters and goodbyes and selamat-puasa's, i was there feeling sappy. i stood at the corridor facing the school gate from the first-floor for a good 7minutes or so, just feeling..sad. that was at 12.20pm.

i have no idea i would feel this way. i mean, i saw it coming, just not so strong and concrete of a feeling. i 100% felt sad. geez, it's just the school closing for a week for the holidays. in fact, i should feel very happy. this was what i wanted - being able to let my hair down, and resting my ears from the sounds of shrieks and screamings, and the constant "teacher, teacher, teacher, teacher, teacher!".

but funnily, i am contradicting myself. im an official walking contradiction. these kids have made me one.

some of the students even thought this was my last day at school, and insisted that we took photos together. after all the photo sessions, i explained to her that i'll still be coming to school after the hols. her face broke into a huge smile and she said "Yes!! Ish cikgu buat saya takut tadi! Dah nak nangis dah ingatkan cikgu dah hari last..!!"

if only she knew what was going through my mind at that moment. i was mentally prepping myself for the real day. i was actually role-playing the character of a prac teacher on her last day. and it felt horrible. i hated that feeling. i dont ever want to be in that spot! but you know, as everyone says, we must move on. i will have to face that day very soon. and i'd better just face it positively so that it wont leave like a black mark or something in my trail of life.

sigh sigh and an even bigger sigh.

i hope i will grow old and still have excellent memory. i hope when im 80 years old, i can still remember all the faces and names and kind things that the students did that made me dont ever want to stop teaching and leave school.

i hope and that's all i can do for now.

i want to be in the Amazon

it is definite.
i am going for a holiday, end of the year.
i dont care about swine flu,
i dont care if nobody wants to follow.
i badly need a change of air.
my bro and i are planning on prague.
but cash doesnt agree.
we're plainly short of it.
dammitz.
last resort would be KK,
or brunei, or macau.
where there are people we can crash with.
xxx worries about backpacking,
which is useless.
it is the only way to save.
ugh.
the gods of moolah,
please grant me a blank check.
hehe.
meanwhile, planning doesnt hurt :p
still looking for inspiration.

the price some people pay

you sometimes sleep with one eye open.
regardless the dream of rainbows and fountains.
anxious, doubt and the feeling of blue,
can just get the better of you.


i can't pull out pretty verses.
i only have those to hate.
i now feel like how i think.
i hate being sick, in this bed.

i can

why,
i can tear all those letters
fry them with the sun
i can shed all these tears
and pretend it's all done.
i can drive myself home
without you showing the way
i can watch tv alone
and just sleep all day.
if i can cook for two
i can certainly cook for one
eat dinner with the cat
oh we'll have so much fun.
i can forget everything
i can erase if you want me to
i can show no feelings
i know you are doing it too.
i can put away all of it
i can pretend they're not true
i can do it all
but only if you tell me how to.

i want to forget it all now,
just tell me how,
just tell me how.

how i spend my time these days

current interest (or rather, obsession) : fashionable males.

1. purposeful, but subtle

2. deliberate but understated

3. messy in a neat way

4. maximum attitude underneath simple ensembles

and i am all set to drool.

regular visual reads would be: the sartorialist, the lookbook

to look out for: pascal grob (in my opinion).

top of the (my) list this week:

i cant even begin. here

he married style and..literature? double points! here

his main accessory: the 50's moustache. here

if i were a boy, i'd be wearing this. and most of his other ensembles.

nobody can ever get enough of white and cotton.

note: the tote, and the sandals. perfect. here

i am not literate in fashion. i dont speak its language. but i like to look at well-dressed people. well-dressed does not necessarily mean clean crisp clothes. to me it means giving thorough thought into what you are about to wear to finally end up looking like you just put on the first thing you saw when you woke up that morning. the more effortless it looks, the better.

fashion evolves, but style remains.

look at me baybee

can somebody say hot!


i like the whole look. the black peeptoe, leather tights and checked oversized bf shirt.

BUT, what really caught my liking and now made me drool and hate reality coz i know i wont ever get my hands on it, is the car plate.

it's embossed carved on metal. wowwee! the ride looks like a merce or could even be a volvo. but who cares i want the plate!!

photo taken from here.

grey

today right now this moment
more than half past midnight
where lonely souls wander
aimlessly in undefined air
i see golden streaks and
splashes of red blue black
and white.
black and white
equals grey, but you are not
neither am i but we
we are
definitely absolutely totally
grey.
wave the brush and
paint me magic and
stroke the wand and
pull an arrow out of the hat
but there is nothing to it
it is just talk and no walk
words evaporating in the
muddy air with sweet dreams
falling and melting on the
dirty ground with
footprints.
those of the past and present.
those of you, me.
those of -
those that are
overlapping crisscrossing
intertwined;
but no ends meet
none.

second best is fine, as long as you're not 'it'

mom borrowed my car, so basically i am nowhere out of the 500m radius for these few days. going to school spells car-pooling. not anyone can walk too far with the extremely hot and humid weather nowadays, plus the haze.

despite that, the weather now is pretty relaxing. the haze actually provide a barrier between the sun ray and us. which means, i dont have to squint my eyes and also the occasional wind gives a perfect situation for taking wedding photos. and.. it is Sunday. i have always loved sundays.

i wonder if the normal week begins with Tuesday and Monday is our Sunday, would it feel the same? i bet not. because Sunday is the sun's day, if y'know what i mean. though i pretty much like the sun less now coz it made me look a tone darker than normal, but who cares. and also coz it made all of us have higher risk of skin cancer. but thats ok, as long as Sunday gets to be the last day of the week.

and if we were to change Tuesday to be the first day of the week, would everyone still have the Monday Blues? or it would then be the Tuesday Blues? Haha. rubbish.

eye candy

outrageous! but i like :)

from fashion bits and bobs

always have a soft spot for loafers. i wish i can get a pair of the tassel ones soon. they are majorly sold for men, so pretty hard to find one that spells old and new at the same time showing femininity.

spot me if you can 2

from here

sugar in cider

drops of water

gels together
salt and pepper.

sprinkles sugar

to apple cider

life gets better.

where people are pleasantly strange..

..and counting the change.

"you dont know why"

everything you want.

what they really want

i dont even know where to begin.

i am only half way through, but it felt like an epic; practicum. i have so many things to share, so many problems to be solved, and yet i couldnt get around in putting it to words. this has been one of the best periods of my life. i have a feeling that i just cant get enough of it, i wouldnt even if you pay me to stop.

some may speculate that the fact that i like teaching so much is prolly because of other factors: the school, admin, students, facilities etc. yes, i dont deny all those contributing factors, although my school is definitely not one of the best (hell no). but what really hooked me to it (teaching) is the rapport, the special bond i have between the students and i, as the teacher.

let us be reminded that each and every class is different, let alone every child in the classroom. they have varying experiences and feel different emotions at the moment you are teaching. it is your duty to pick those (experience and emotions) up. every 10minutes of the lesson is also different. everything happens very quickly in the class. you have to be very spot on and work well under constant and rapid pressure. failing to do so can cause many backlash from students that may affect you and the children.

a classroom is an onion. intricate and complex. fragile when the layers are separated, but strong when in a unit. there are multiple layers of cultures and subcultures and socio-eco-demographical factors, to be peeled one after another by the teacher. the time you take varies. you can never set a list of the same steps and rules for each class. they are all different. so take your time..get to know your students. and, one thing i learned is to not to 'get to know' your students under technical and visibly purposeful terms. do it on purpose, but do it because you want to. because you really care and this will help you throughout the rest of your teaching days.

i have to admit, some students you can get close to them with a snap of the finger; but some are very reserved and secretive about their background. it is our job to find out what makes them who they are at that point of time in the classroom. informations like illiteracy, being victims of bully should not be revealed hastily and impulsively. these are the things that you should keep under the concept of trust that the students have for you and, especially, to not use it against them.

for example:

"Haa Ali (bukan nama sebenar)! Hish buat kerja la! Awak ni tak nak pandai ke? Nanti dah besar nak jadi apa? Mak ayah awak dah la orang susah!"

Thats a violation of two important things:

1. you are using the child's personal information against him/her and therefore breaching the trust he/she has towards you.

2. you are humiliating and demotivating the student and telling him to change something he cannot (the status of his parents).

in short, what we are actually doing is putting the blame that the parents are poor on the student.

at the end, it comes down to two things. students either want your attention, or they need it. you have to be able to tell. because those who need your attention (especially those who are less smart and have learning or personal problems) normally dont want your attention. so you have to give it without them asking.

for me, all these kids want and need is love and attention. they have an insatiable thirst for love. they like it if you listen with your eyes glued to them, although you dont understand a thing about the MMORPG they are talking about. but they appreciate. and when they notice and appreciate the time and attention you invest in them, they will do anything in the world for you, trust me.

kids are the most honest bunch of homo sapiens. if they dont like you, they will show it in their actions or they will just tell you straight. and if they do like you, they will let that be known too. so if they can be honest to you, you can be honest in your love to them too. and they will know if you are sincere or not. (they are very observant and sensitive!). they will do everything they can to make you notice them, especially in a big class. they will break into a fight, shout, or for the quiet ones, they will rebel and not do their homework for example. those are some of the negative ways. positively, they will ask to help carry your books, or always walk around in the staff room aimlessly..and etc.

you see, i can write a whole lot more, but i think i'll save it for later posts. hehe. im not so good at this myself; still learning as i go. but i guess you can say that i am eager and excited to learn and i wouldnt mind sharing what i learned with everyone.

as for now, if you feel like you dont love teaching enough, take some time and put yourself in the little shoes of the students. they dont want many things (like money, fame, great marriage etc), they only want small things that adults are too ignorant and stingy to provide them with. and those things are free. think about it.

till then, happy teaching! :)

(thats what my superviser, Mr.Kieran always say to me: Happy Teaching)

TGIW

Thank God It's the Weekends.

I have a whole sack of things to do, but i remembered that an individual can choose when given the freedom of choice. therefore, i choose to be a true Weekender by not doing anything (related to work)! and now i feel super awesome; with rain on a sunday morning. oh. bliss.

anyway, im checking out a japanese contemp dance at the central market. well, i dont want to waste my sunday i guess. at least im doing something i love!

gotta get get hommies!

not just some guy

okay, another featured guy in my blog. what can i do? i love boys! LOL.

taken from The Sartorialist

Oh, can somebody say yummy? fashion-wise and style aside, he is almost fiction. that far-away gaze of his, and the brawny collarbone and shoulders..oh mercy, my nose should bleed. look at that pierced elfin ears. what did i tell you about fiction? he can easily be somebody straight from Tolkien or that A. Lloyd, taking a break in between medieval chicks and chronicles of mythological wars.

and i feel safe (or unintimidated, rather) that he too, possess a set of eyebags. haha talk about insecurities. man, i got issues. anyways, yeah. those are symbolic of the time he spent for sleeping (which is less than normal, prolly). so he could be someone who has irregular working hours, or shifts, or just a 24/7/365 cycle of work. he must be in arts, one thinks. yes indeed, he is a dancer. oh how graceful he must be when his moves and grooves are coupled with some rhythm!

but he can work the style out. i mean, im fine with the whole laid-back-im-scraping-food-from-garbage look, but he could at least accessorize. but he's colour-coordinated, so thats again, points.

you know, you can put this guy anywhere, any time era, any timezone, on the mountains, the ocean, the forest, the sky..he would fit perfectly. this is what i call a universal facial feature. he should be a model or something by now. except that he's a commoner, HAHA, he likes doing common things. i wonder if he likes politics and NatGeo. i wonder if we make a..ehem..great pair. LOL. not in a mill!

p/s: i hope he's not gay..

do.suitcase.or

there was the door,
that pinched me
in the gut, everytime
sight is laid upon it.
why do you ask?
you dont even care.
they are invisible, the
footsteps

becoming more clear
with every of my own
footsteps

and then there
it is, the famous
suitcase. carried and
stuffed and thrown
with some of mine
and some of yours
-memories. if you
must ask me. listen
to that. the trod stomp
of feet. that is you. i
know, just cant get enough
just never enough. well
then, dont forget that
suitcase. and the door.