I'm still planning to destroy the world in a gentle manner.

Finally, I've got some form of internet connection after so long of only relying on the office internet. I'm beginning to think that it could be God's way in telling me to actually go out and see people more rather than just be tied to this virtuality obsession.

But I've been doing quite poorly in the health department - so, still no heavy socializing. The only socializing I've been doing is with this nasty germs and cruel bacteria. They won't leave me alone. Just cleaned my room to get rid of any bad chi, if any. Progress so far looks promising.

So I've decided that I need to buck it up to better health as the new year is fast approaching (we're talking about a few days here). No particular reason why I should be in better shape in 2012, but yeah, I just don't want to be not in my best condition during the best times of the year. I'm the life of the party - get real! Haha.

Been running a lot lately, it helps my mood and also you know, sweat is generally good. Just realized I've got some cute neighbors living on the street next to mine - so there you go, motivation? Check.

I also noticed I got weak arms. Really feeble like I only managed a set of 8s each. Yeah, I disappoint myself on a regular basis. Nothing new there.

Health-wise aside, I'm doing alright. Honestly, just trying to get by. Need some re-work on the metaphysics, which I haven't got some real solid QT to really focus on which is pathetic.

They say you make the time you have. Utter BS for people who lacks time management skills like me.

You know those garbage they sell to you in Eat, Pray, Love and those lingering within the same postcode? That's actually good garbage, I've recently came to realize. You gotta love yourself more guys. Stop thinking it's vain; even if it is, why the hell not if it will do you good?

(I'm just gonna continue rambling from here just because I can. So here's a good place to stop reading if you're not into people rambling pointlessly)

I will re-emphasize that 2011 has been extremely rocky - I nearly got thrown out of the roller-coaster seat! But I'll save the reminiscing for a traditional Rock Paper Scissors' Goodbye 20XX, Hello 20XX post. Not that I'm looking forward to it.

I also realized I have no idea what I've been doing - I mean, I know what I do but yeah I don't internalize..not anymore. But who the phuck cares right? Just like how nobody cares about the excessive amount of carbon emission that leads to global warming today - they care, but they don't really.

So yes, we will conform with whatever the society demands of us - grow up, get good grades, graduate, get a decent job, get married, have a family, raise your children, reap your retirement saving and die. Everyone, all the same.

Of course you can mix up the stages to suit you best and to look a tad individualistic, but eventually, you'll have to do it. Even if you think you have some sort of choice, the choices are thrown at you by the society. In the end either way you choose to go, you'll end up probably doing only half a breath of what you really wanted to do.

I'm sure I'm not making any sense here, but if you do understand then you're my kind. Even if you don't, nobody cares. You'll move on with your life and forget about this post.

So stop whining about how I wasted a surmountable percentage of your time that you could use to pluck your eyebrows and deal with it. This is life. People use your time and you use theirs. Haven't you heard of symbiosis?

And time is not money - that's BS. How can you even put value to time? You are allowed to use your time as you wish to use it - even if you're not doing anything and it's not profitable. And no one can say that you're wasting your time. Which is definitely, totally not what I'm doing right now.

Holocene

Holocene by Bon Iver

"And at once I knew, I was not magnificent"

Not all who wander are, but..

from here.

Too much of anything is not good for you

Don't Regret Regret by Kathryn Schulz (TED Talks)


"Regret is there to remind us we can do better.."


The one piece of advice I will take from 2011. Happy birthday to me. To better, wiser decisions in years to come.

They all want you until they have to deal with you.

We keep looking for truths in everything we do, everywhere we go and in everyone we meet. We speak of it as if it is tangible; as if it can be measured; as if we deserve it.

Some say that Truth is God, and we shall look no further. Some say Truth is honesty, and that it is one hard to come by these days. Some say it's overrated and abused like a wolf in sheep's clothing. Some say truth hurts.

I don't give a sh-- about people's take on it - all I know is it's out there; and in here (in my being).

I keep trying to imagine this world where there is only truth, and no forms of deceit or lies exist - but it would be terrible, in a way. It wouldn't be functioning right, somehow. Maybe this is a by-product of centuries of cognitive and behavioural conditioning in reaching the Ideal.

Maybe we deliberately lie - so we can keep looking for that thing called Truth.

I Am the Ocean

I am the ocean
and you contain me
my high and low tides
in all the depth of the sea

I am the ocean
and you carry me
to greet the sandy shore
for a taste of my salinity

I am the ocean
and you are my gravity
in all my velocity, and
my immense capacity

I am the ocean
as you very well know me
I don't sink nor I float
- I only be

I am the ocean
to every degree
and you willingly sustain
through apogee and perigee

The Crazy Post

It's not even the end of the year yet, but I can definitely say that it's been a really crazy year to sum up. And not just the usual crazy, but CRAZY, if you know what I mean. A lot of firsts and randoms, and I have to say, I'm breaking my own record here from previous years. It just gets better with time huh? (bajet macam wine la konon). I have no idea what happened in between January and November, but man, it was crazy! Crazy fast, crazy fun, crazy in every manner. It feels like only yesterday where I was sitting in my room contemplating suicide (haha ok not funny) on my 23rd birthday and BOOM, what do you know, it's coming again in around a week. Not that I'm counting days like I used to (birthdays really is just like any other day as you age - which sucks!), but hell, what have I been doing throughout 2011?! Next thing I know it's 2030. Currently I'm feeling a little bit nostalgic; I really had some extreme ups and extreme downs. But oh well, as the optimistic saying goes, such is life. Now December, surprise me :p

#talkingtothemoon

from here.

Dosed

Dosed by Red Hot Chili Peppers

"Take it away, I never had it anyway,
Take it away, and everything will be okay.."


They probably had a downer when this song was written, hah! But RHCP still rocks in their true style even in the melodramatic zone, where they don't usually roam. Highly relevant lyrics and epic, epic bass and rhythm. Like coffee and cream. (Although somehow the bass reminds me of Bunkface's Last Minute - which in any case Bunkface would be the one inspired by RHCP and not the other way around. Clearly)

And Kiedis - he surprised me. The vocals is versatile.

I actually just started listening again to my old CDs, hence why the sudden burst of classic hits. Talk about blast from the past. Do expect to have me post some Hanson or the Moffats hits soon :p


p/s: I just immersed myself in their I'm With You album. Review coming soon. Or not.

pp/s: I'm completely dosed.

the Art of Drowning

from here.

repeat repeat

From here.

A repetition that is not a routine, but a reminder that reoccurs in my conscience and my dreams. Almost like a heartbeat. Or the rippling sound of waves. Or the glimpses of smiles that cameo in my mind.

Walk in the Sky

Walk in the Sky by Bonobo (Aaron Jerome Glitch Mix)

Simon Green (or stagename, Bonobo) approaches downtempo in a very quietly distinct way; almost orientally-inclined with a minute stroke of triphop. Magic happens when he contrast the rhythms with Bajka's edgy vocals.

For a Samba-esque alternative, click here. Satisfaction guaranteed.

On 'success'

from here

(Taking cue from Wideman from the previous post, I'll share my two cents. Heh)

I believe that failure is not a form of falling; instead, it is the act of sinking, where you will soon float again. Gracefully.

If you must fail, then fail in style - because success is always unexpected, so when the day finally comes, you've already dressed the part.

But remember, failure is only as temporary as success. So, always paddle to float.

There is no success without failure.

On "night"

by John Edgar Wideman

"..Night changes things. You can't see exactly how, but you can feel it in your bones. Spaces open up, which haven't been there before. You know that nights different, and you guess at why, and you wonder why, but you understand that you'll never understand, because the night is about things changing. The other fact about night, is the fact that it doesn't last, it's temporary. And like all good things it must come to an end.."



p/s: one of my favorite poetry slams, Def Poetry (or Def Jam Poetry founded by Russell Simmons et. al.), once showed Mos Def (the host) quoted Wideman's take on nights. Click here to watch.

Love is a Place

Love is a Place by Metric

If I can, I'd be at the Charles Bridge in Prague right now professing my love.

Or just about anywhere anyway, and be doing the same thing.

bohong

oleh Mosyuki Borhan

bohongi aku tentang kau yang sudah berpunya
bohongi aku tentang kau yang sedang menukangi cinta dengan
kekasih lama
bohongi aku tentang senyummu serta bicara-bicara kita yang
cuma pura-pura

aku akan percaya semua bohong-bohongmu
untuk aku tak lagi mengingatimu

kerana
aku sedang membohongimu tentang menyukai dia yang
sebenarnya adalah kamu


nota kaki: lagi karya beliau, sila klik.

Trying to reach you

Trying to Reach You by Nurses

From their upcoming album, Dracula.

adowable

from here.

The house was quiet and the world was calm

By Wallace Stevens


The house was quiet and the world was calm.
The reader became the book; and summer night

Was like the conscious being of the book.
The house was quiet and the world was calm.

The words were spoken as if there was no book,
Except that the reader leaned above the page,

Wanted to lean, wanted much most to be
The scholar to whom his book is true, to whom

The summer night is like a perfection of thought.
The house was quiet because it had to be.

The quiet was part of the meaning, part of the mind:
The access of perfection to the page.

And the world was calm. The truth in a calm world,
In which there is no other meaning, itself

Is calm, itself is summer and night, itself
Is the reader leaning late and reading there.


-end-


To read at night, I think, creates a realm of autonomous solitude. In fact, doing anything at night gives you a sense of solitude. Have been surrounding myself with books these days - a habit that I have forgo not too long ago (yes, I shouldn't). I guess sometimes life just takes over, and you think if you don't get in the pulse of things you will be left behind. But no, not anymore. I have taken the calmer approach and just taking things really slow now. Certain events have made me realize that in the end, things will come around. So meanwhile, just kick back and relax. Do it like the Marley.

Short short story: Girl and Tree

Once upon a time, a girl decided to climb a tree. She reached the highest branch and sat atop uncomfortably. But the view made up for that. The vast horizon was there before her and her eyes can only take so much of the excessive goodness.

She sat there for a while and thought, wouldn't it be great if I can go over to that town I see from here. She set herself to climb down from the tree to begin her journey to said town.

Then the unexpected happen. She realized that it was an imaginary tree, that there was no branches, no vast horizons and no towns.

So she fell down from the no-tree tree to the ground. And died. And nobody gave a sh-t.

The end.

I'm losing words..

You by Wani Ardy

If you follow, I have posted two of her songs in this blog before, and one of them is Dear Mr.Future (Click here)

This song is pretty much the sequel, if you're wondering what happens next. Not that it relates to me in any way at all. Nope.

It is a form of addiction and obsession.

Russell Brand on Katy Perry.

I want to have the same amount of passion for the same person for the rest of my life. 

The one kind of love that won't disappoint

So everybody in this world has at one point in a day thought about Love. Somehow, some way - be it good or bad. No matter how overrated it is. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Having convinced you to think that it is ok, in total contrast, I have now chosen to (though as impossible as it may seem) not think about it. Why? Because haha. Because I have no idea. Because maybe I think it should not be over-thought and that we should let the chips fall where they may.

Like how a stranger flashed a dashing smile at me this morning and held the door so that I can swish-swash my way in elegantly through the majestic entrance. Pure, platonic love. Out of pure kindness for another human being.

Therefore if you're feeling a tad lonely on this cold Friday night, do know you're not meant to be so. The choice is yours buddy. Go out, have fun, dance in the rain. Whatever. That's how love happens. When it's the last thing you're thinking about.

For all you lonely souls, wandering the urban landscape with trailing wet footsteps on the puddled pavements, I offer you the one kind of love I have: the love for music.

Life's too short to think too much. Have a wonderful weekend, and I mean it.

Everything is One by Inner Prisms

Per Te

Trapeze Swinger by Iron and Wine 

Please, remember me
Happily
By the rosebush laughing
With bruises on my chin
The time when
We counted every black car passing
Your house beneath the hill
And up until
Someone caught us in the kitchen
With maps, a mountain range,
A piggy bank
A vision too removed to mention
But

Please, remember me
Fondly
I heard from someone you're still pretty
And then
They went on to say
That the pearly gates
Had some eloquent graffiti
Like 'We'll meet again'
And 'Fuck the man'
And 'Tell my mother not to worry'
And angels with their gray
Handshakes
Were always done in such a hurry
And

Please, remember me
At Halloween
Making fools of all the neighbors
Our faces painted white
By midnight
We'd forgotten one another
And when the morning came
I was ashamed
Only now it seems so silly
That season left the world
And then returned
And now you're lit up by the city
So

Please, remember me
Mistakenly
In the window of the tallest tower call
Then pass us by
But much too high
To see the empty road at happy hour
Leave and resonate
Just like the gates
Around the holy kingdom
With words like 'Lost and Found' and 'Don't Look Down'
And 'Someone Save Temptation'
And

Please, remember me
As in the dream
We had as rug-burned babies
Among the fallen trees
And fast asleep
Aside the lions and the ladies
That called you what you like
And even might
Give a gift for your behavior
A fleeting chance to see
A trapeze
Swing as high as any savior
But

Please, remember me
My misery
And how it lost me all I wanted
Those dogs that love the rain
And chasing trains
The colored birds above there running
In circles round the well
And where it spells
On the wall behind St. Peter's
So bright with cinder gray
And spray paint
'Who the hell can see forever?'
And

Please, remember me
Seldomly
In the car behind the carnival
My hand between your knees
You turn from me
And said 'The trapeze act was wonderful
But never meant to last'
The clown that passed
Saw me just come up with anger
When it filled with circus dogs
The parking lot
Had an element of danger
So

Please, remember me
Finally
And all my uphill clawing
My dear
But if i make
The pearly gates
Do my best to make a drawing
Of G-d and Lucifer
A boy and girl
An angel kissin on a sinner
A monkey and a man
A marching band
All around the frightened trapeze swingers



Sigh..when can I ever see him perform live?


Per te: E per Lei, i cantano questa canzone. Per favore mi ricordi nei Suoi sogni quando Lei può.

Constant Surprises

"..some call it coincidence,
But I like to call it fate.."

-Little Dragon, Constant Surprises.

For My Dad

Long Time by CAKE

Thanks Dad, for raising me up with great music. You've got impeccable taste and your deep love for music has influenced me in so many ways.

This one's for you, as you were responsible for introducing me to CAKE and it has been my go-to CD (Fashion Nugget) everytime I miss the family during my boarding school days.

The only person who understands my musical inclinations during our schooling years would only be Charlie Fa..remember Teenage Dirtbag? :)

It's always a lovely feeling whenever you find someone who shares the same music preferences as you.

Love you, Dad. (and it's not even your birthday haha)

Bad Anniversary

Twilight by Elliot Smith

October is always a gloomy month for me - wherever I am, whatever the season. It is the month he died.

And the day I found out is still very clear - I was on the way home in the bus. And I cried my heart out, nearly leaving the guy sitting next to me in shock.

Here, a person I don't even know in person, could have such a large impact on me. That's what music does - it connects and affects people in magical ways.

Sad Toys

by Ishikawa Takuboku

When I breathe,
This sound in my chest
Lonelier than the winter wind


In the opening poem of 'Sad Toys', translated by Sanford Goldstein and Seishi Shinoda.

Don't shave 'em (no not yours)

So I have come to a point where I confuse myself more than anything else in the world.

And most probably this major intertwining of multiple confusions could have subjected me to finally decide to remove myself from myself. Heck, is this even possible?

 How do I then become myself when I am not myself? Absolutely not weird, just quizzing.

In this past few weeks, too many things have happened all at once, over-whelmingly (like throngs of noisy school tweenies in a mall), that I could not help myself, although I managed to stop mid-way, to reach for the fruit blender in the kitchen so that I can crush all the events and experiences of the past 4 weeks in this blender for easier digestion. Nope, don't suggest I take Eno or Gaviscon, that was only a figure of speech. My digestion system is fine, thank you. Yes, despite the long line of open houses, weddings and other in-betweens involving food, it's been functioning spectacularly. Alarming.

Some major headlines worth mentioning:

1) I have officially quit my previous job as a market researcher. Not because I was bad at it (what, you want testimonials?), not because I despise the company and no no no not because of the pay (women are not Materialists in contrary to popular beliefs). But I thought it was the right time to upgrade. It's like you move on from playing yo-yo to skate-boarding. Same difference.

2) So obviously, I got a new job. I just started there for a few days, in fact. Advertising. Yea, I know you must be giving the 'blergh' look right now, and think, oh no not another slacker who's made to believe that coming up with ideas and doodling away in notepads are hardwork..it's shit easy. Try calculating numbers, or answering customer calls - that're real jobs idiots! Well, you know what, eff you. Hah! What are you, a school counselor?

3) I went on an unexpected trip to New Zealand. About time. Need to pacify some matters of the heart, take a break from working before I start the new job (the current one), and at the same time visit some people there. It was hells awesome, although I have to admit it burnt a small hole in my pocket. But generally it was somewhat a budget trip - I crashed at practically anyone's house, whoever's willing to provide me food and shelter. Haha. Met many interesting people, some Malaysians studying/working there who are extremely nice, and friendly Kiwis. Watched the Rugby World Cup 2011 live (woohoo finally!) between the Wallabies and USA, got my cap autographed, touched the snow for the first time, went to see Lord of the Rings stuff, did the Haka, managed toddlers and a baby, ate a lot, survived without the internet and so many things I could never finish listing down. Most importantly, I got some QT with my most favourite cousin before she gets engaged end of this year (can't believe we're at 'that phase' already. Seemed like yesterday we were naked and taking showers together). Truly treasured memories.

I am still having jetlags, or just basically have my sleeping patterns screwed up (not that I have a particular pattern before anyways haha), sleeping at 9/10pm and waking up 6am on the dot. Not like wake up then feel like I wanna go back to sleep type, but really wake up and feel fresh. I think it must be the habit I got from NZ. Sheeps woke me in the morning to witness the sunrise. I love sheeps. Don't shave them.

So somebody asked me: What's the difference between a sheep and a lamb?

Answer: One's hairy and one's hairless.

Right now is way past my bed time. It's 3am!! Gasp! Gasp! Oh, I haven't changed my watch to Malaysian time. Damn it. I hate false alarms. And alarms in general. But not sheep alarms. That wake me in the morning to see the sunrise. I love sheep. 1 sheep, 2 sheep, 3 sheep, sleeeeeep...kroh kroh kroh

Somebody That I Used to Know

This song just ripped my heart open.

Somebody That I Used to Know by Gotye (and Kimbra)

Why are there songs that appear in your life unexpectedly and make you do things you don't want to do? i.e. scream silently into a pillow.

Location-wise, I'm currently assimilating advancedly well into the Wellington culture and billowing along with the Welly winds.

I will officially think of this song everytime New Zealand come up in my thoughts or conversations in the future.

p/s: Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and sorry I could not travel both..

Goodbye.

Kia Ora

photo from here



Hello, New Zealand.

At the edge of the edge

The perpetual conundrum of aspiration and reality will soon exhaust its entity. Is the prerogative mine to carve a decision of being only on one side? Will I regret the retrospective regret? Is the choice inevitable?

The Adventures of Rain Dance Me

Around 8 years ago, I had a crush on a boy who was in a different class as me in school. I would purposely walk pass his class and leave Japanese delicacies under his desk (don't ask why).

After some time, I think he sort of liked me as well, but I was never sure of this fact as I was unable to prove it (too chicken).

To cut the story short, he finally "professed his love" by giving me his Red Hot Chili Peppers cassette that he loved so much, to me. And as you might be able to tell, it was the only band I listened to back-to-back for the longest time. I had only two options of cassettes anyway: either that or Limp Bizkit.

And so, every time an RHCP song comes on air, I will be reminded of that warm, fuzzy feeling I had when I had that crush.

Just recently, I was R&R-ing in my front porch at 3am, listening to an online radio. Guess what song played?

The Adventures of Rain Dance Maggie by Red Hot Chili Peppers

I was smiling double-wide. How can I not love it? They were/are a staple band in my playlist! Abso-loves it!

RHCP = first high school crush = soft spot in Izza's heart.

Walking Away

I just realized

There is such a concept

as, Walking Away

If I had known

That it was possible

I would have, Walked Away

But I was told 

I knew and I could

But I wouldn't, Walk Away

The A Team

Remember when I posted a Bon Iver cover song by Birdy not long ago?

Well she's made another cover, of Ed Sheeran's The A Team. As per usual, I'm easily impressed with whispy, folky vocals and sounds.




She's also just recently released her own album, Without A Word. Click here to listen to her new single, Shelter. It's heavily driven by her voice, not so much of the music itself. But it's fine by me.

Tell me what you think.

Hari Raya Eve

Just about every muscle and bones in my body right now is aching - as a result of over-working them. What an irony, although given the fact that I have been sleeping less (coz of Ramadhan), but more deeply. I couldn't hear my alarm, couldn't here my sister knock on my door, couldn't recall myself walking downstairs with my blanket and sleeping on the couch with tissue in my hand. When I sleep, I really sleep.

Mostly during the Ramadhan, after solat tarawikh, I'd be having supper and then make myself hot Milo and be sipping it in front of the TV while I lie down. Haha, absolutely a terrible habit since it's never a good idea to drink hot drinks while lying down (but I find comfort in that), and somewhere along the way I'll fall asleep. Yep, in between sips of Milo. And Grey's Anatomy.

So the over-working part is, I did more things while fasting than when I'm not. For example, I walked to and from between the LRT station and my house. It usually took me 15-20mins tops on non-fasting days, but during Ramadhan it took me a freaking 45minutes!! By the time I got home, I was panting and on my knees in front of the door, unable to even put the key in the hole and turn the knob.

I also strained my endorphines aka the happy hormones. I got easily agitated and moody especially when it comes to issues pertaining food. But the straining part is not that, it's when I try to cover up this agitation and act all cool and calm - coz it's the Ramadhan after all. I needed to be the best I could be.

I got into more things than I should have. I signed up for things that could be done during other times of the year and instead had to do them during Ramadhan. I was involved in a theater, entered a contest (that I was in the running to win for?), help move stuff from one house to another, took over my mom's gym membership and a heck of a lot more things.

I was insanely running from one point to another, all flustered and sometimes barely making it for break fast in time. I once broke fast while I was walking from the LRT to my house. I felt like crying, but thought of it as if it was any other day.

When it was finally bed time, I totally zonked out. Then we had to wake up every 5am to magically come up with some dish and eat our sahur. Then prayers etc. Sometimes we also wake up in the wee hours before sahur to pray. So you get how enormously tired our bodies would be. My sleeping patterns was really messed up, that I accidentally woke up at 10am and was really late for work.

If you think I'm complaining, well, I'm not. I'm just saying that now, I hope things would go back to normal, I can eat at normal hours, and not have to wake up at odd times or do things differently.

So on this eve of Hari Raya, I'd like to wish you all a good one (improperly first, I'll do a proper one later) and I think I'm gonna get that long, dreamful rest I've been longing for. Thank God, we've prepared food, did spring cleaning, put kuih in the jars, and even ironed our clothes already. Hence, this rest will be well-deserved.

Selamat Hari Raya everyone; and emphasize the 'selamat' in that phrase please :) Love you all!

Malaysia, My Home

This was the promo video. After 20 days or so, he got a lot of video responses. And I think this video he compiled (from all the responses) speaks a lot of my point of view on Malaysia and Malaysians..SPOT ON!

Watch the video below. I feel so patriotic right now, I'm gonna go hang the Jalur Gemilang flag in my porch.





I heart MALAYSIA

Spotlight: Yuna

Somehow, I can't wait for this:

from Malaysian Philharmonic Petronas

I feel like she has come a long way to get to where she is right now, and it's only fair if we Malaysians give her the support and credit she deserves. And for that, I will be there Yuna! :D

To be honest, it was more of a love-at-first-listen with me and Bunkface rather than with Yuna. I didn't like Dan Sebenarnya and I thought that was a bad single to make a debut in the music scene. But I guess, my opinion was rather unpopular, as apparently she received a lot of rave from that song. Only logical, as the local music industry made up of mostly Malay-speaking listeners. And so I was quick to judge. I ignored her great voice and the raw talent she has just based on that one song. I turned to Wani Ardy and compared them; thinking Wani makes better music.

See that's the thing with music and musicians - their music may sound the same, but they're all completely different. Especially for singer/songwriters. You can't really tell the experiences they base from for their songs. So the best singers usually are able to project these experiences and emotions unto their songs - which Yuna successfully did.

It was when my dad decided to commission her for the song Cinta Sempurna for the series on Astro by the same title that I started to take notice.

I then got to listen to After Midnight (which I thought was brilliant; I had goosebumps within the first 5 seconds - but it reminded me of a certain goth band) and then I listened to Backpacking Around Europe, and thought wow this girl is really versatile. I think it was her album, Decorate that changed my mind. Permission has light vocals and heavy rhythm; and I love heavy. What swept me off my feet was the lyrics. Man, were the lyrics heart-breaking! "Empty..is what you'll find here" .. or something like that (hehe, sorry bad memory). Her songs follow a plot; progressive, that you can't really fall asleep or feel bored in between. And the ending, abrupt. Just like how life normally ends.

A classic favorite would be Penakut. I find that most people can express better in their local languages. And this song epitomizes that. Simple words, stark meaning. It unfolds the true story like a conversation with another person. But it was her and the music talking. The song was around 4mins plus, but I just didn't feel it was long!

Penakut by Yuna

And in case you're wondering, yes, I have the original album :) I've started to tell myself to support good artistes by getting their albums whenever I can.

Have you listened to her exclusive-for-USA songs? Coffee and Fears and Frustrations. Not bad. Although I didn't really like the intro to the latter. Cliche. However, the cover of Nirvana's Come As You Are I featured here the other day can make up for that :)  I guess she is able to get more inspiration by stepping out of her comfort zone.

I wish her all the luck in the world.

p/s: She has a Wiki, do you know that? Waiting for the time I have my own :p

Kau Ni Kenapa?

by Tramizi Hussin


dalam titis-titis hujan yang turun ada kau,
rintik yang jatuh di mata ialah bundar matamu,
titis yang lepas ke tengkuk ialah manis bibirmu,
rambut basah di usik tanganmu; dada lencun ditindih gebu dadamu,

kuyup tubuh dimamah tubuhmu,
dan aku berteleku menikmati segalanya,
dalam hujan aku temu kau; dan antara rintik aku hancur merindui.



I must tell you, I effing love this piece of poetry. I haven't read/heard a good one for quite some time, and just coming across this, made me breathe a sigh of relief. Good poetry still exist. Especially in Malay - my mother tongue that I would not ever take for granted.

It's hard to write a poem without having to sound like you're trying too hard, what more to write it in Malay. Poets writing in Malay tend to be 'simplistic' with their ermm, presentation (?), eventhough they pile on the big words. To me, it's not the bombastic vocabulary you use, but rather how you use simple words that can mean many things.

The poem was included in the Pinggir Malam Yang Mati book of trio writers - Tramizi Hussin, Shafiq Halim and Zulwaqar Akram. It was published by Jargon Books, which I bought at one of those flea markets/bazaar thingamajigga I went to recently. I also met the famed (underground, sort of) maestro, Aloy Paradoks, in person and was kind of starstruck :p

Confessions of a Hairdresser

It was a normal visit to the salon - after the photoshoot I had the other day, my hair was just abnormal; it was like tali rafia knotted together and I was walking around with a rug on my head like that was what it literally looked like. It's almost semi-afro and semi-dreads.

I shampooed, and it got worst. The amount of hairspray they piled on my hair was just insane. So I made a visit to the salon - a place I haven't been a long time (hello black roots and split-ends), to get my hair fixed.

Little did I know, I was about to get more than just hair treatment - a spiritual talk, a penny for the thought, by none other than the hairdresser. A note though, this is not your normal salon; it's one of those dodgy ones that noone goes to (yeah I needed something fast and wallet-friendly).

So this hairdresser is 35 years old (she told me), and let's call her Kak Nor. So Kak Nor is an Indonesian who has been working and living here in Malaysia with her husband for many years. She dresses like any normal "urban" woman would dress - purple blouse (with a little bit of cleavage just enough to tease the mature-men's imagination), black leggings, 4-inch flip-flops and large loop earrings. Her hair was..never mind.

So she had that dozy look on her when I got in, asked me what I wanted and quickly attempted to
kill me with the water-proof robe she choked at my neck.

"Sit", she said.

Noone else was in the salon. Great, I thought. I'm gonna perish in her hands.


Then she started massaging my head with shampoo. The lather tipples down my forehead and nearly got in my eye. I didn't dare move to wipe it off.

I looked at her through the mirror and she looked at me.

"Puasa tak adik?", she asked. I nodded.

"Kakak ni, dulu jahil - puasa kadang-kadang je. Tarawikh, lagi tak pernah!" she said, sounding almost surprised with herself.

I didn't react anything, as I don't want to either encourage or insult her. So I just nodded, to indicate that I'm listening. At intervals, I would look down at the  Hello! Magazine she handed me earlier from a year ago.

She continued with her life story.

"Tapi Ramadhan kali ni, akak terasa sangat-sangat. Rasa mukjizat dia. Akak puasa, lepas tu akak pergi tarawikh. Semalam, buat pertama kali dalam hidup akak, akak buat Solat Tasbih. Ya Allah dik, rasa macam magic tau nggak!"


She speaks Malay fluently, but sometimes her Indonesian accent surface.

"Entah lah nak cakap macam mana dik, akak rasa jahil sangat sebelum ni, baru aku tau tinggi rendah langit tuh!"


And then she continues. She told me she hadn't sleep for the past few nights, as she joined the group around her house to 'submit' themselves in prayer in the wee hours. I've always been told that this is the best time to pray - when everyone else is asleep.

She said during the day, she spent more time than she used to to think about Islam. Submitting to God has been the best thing that's ever happened to her, she said. Now she truly understood how people can sacrifice anything and/or everything in the name of God. She felt small, and I saw her shed a tear as she spoke the words to me. I thought shampoo got into her eyes.

"Dik, kalau lah ada satu nasihat yang akak boleh bagi, nanti kau keluar dari kedai ni akak nak kau masih ingat nasihat ni; apa yang kita pakai kat luar ni hanyalah hiasan, benda zahir, tapi kalau hati kau bersih dik, Tuhan pasti sayang kau.. 


Akak nak tanya, bila kau puasa, kau lapar tak? Lapar kan? Jadi supaya tak lapar kita kena makan kan? Kita kena makan nasi, sayuran, minum air supaya badan sihat. Itu semua untuk badan..untuk jasad kita. Roh kau, kau bagi makan tak?"


Err, tak pasti lah kak, I answered almost quizzically. I wanted to know where she's getting at.

"Roh kita pun kita kena bagi makan tau..tau apa makanan roh? Zikir lah! Zikir tu adalah makanan roh kita. Bila akhirat nanti, amalan zikir kita lah yang jadi bekalan makanan kita.. Badan kita akan sakit dan mati. Roh kita hanya sakit, kalau kita tak bagi dia khasiat, tapi dia tak akan mati. Roh kita kekal sampai bila-bila. Jadi dik, kau kena bagi bekal secukupnya dekat roh kau.."


Wow. That really got to me. Have I got enough "food" for my soul? By the time she finished blow-drying my hair, I just got goosebumps all over me. I felt scared. She told me I shouldn't be scared, but to be grateful that I still have time to make a change.

One final thing she told me:

"Kau tau dik, orang yang sembahyang tunggang-terbalik pun belum tentu masuk syurga. Inikan lagi orang macam akak ni. Dalam berbilion-bilion orang dalam dunia ni, cuma 88,000 orang saja yang akan masuk syurga Ustaz tu kata. Kau fikir dik, berapa ramai orang ada dalam duni ni sekarang? Tak kira lagi orang dari zaman-zaman dulu! Wallahu'alam lah dik, mungkin yang lain tu akan terima hukuman dulu baru masuk syurga..apa pun kita cubalah yang terbaik.."

Sigh. Too much information from a hairdresser. As I step out from the salon, my head got heavier, my mind thinking and I felt almost numb. But in a good way, you know? Like an eye-opener.

However heavy I felt after, I still think that I'll definitely make another visit there; not only my hair looks wayyyy better, but she also gave me a discount, a free sample of hair tonic, and one really good lecture.

Funny how random people can affect you.

The Chosen One

The Chosen One by Maher Zain

Some may think he is overrated, pergi rumah orang kahwin lagu Maher Zain, pergi masjid lagu Maher Zain, but the truth is, his songs are good.

I think his other songs are pretty average - standard spiritual songs but with a little bit of pop.

But this one particular song of his is just so..soothing. I saw the video first on Astro in the wee hours when I couldn't sleep, and after watching it, I just felt so calm. The song so comforting and the video so compelling.

It made me believe that out of all the evil in the world, there are still kindness out there.

So in conjunction with Bulan Ramadhan, I dedicate this song to you all. In fact, there are truly many things we can learn from the Prophet.

For me, the most important lesson would be Patience.

Puppy Love

My sister came to me and said "Kak, is this normal? He hasn't texted me in two days.."

Oh well, wait till it's at least 3 days then come back to me with this question

"But..I have this weird feeling in my chest.."

I looked at her. What feeling?

"I don't know, you're the expert!"

Crap, I'm the last person on Earth people should come to for advice on love and relationship.

"It's like I can't do anything else but think of him.."

Are you, missing him?

"Yeah, I guess that's it.."

Then silence.

"Maybe he doesn't like me anymore.."

Shit, this is serious! Noone is allowed to make my sister feel such a way!

Nah, how can he not like you! Look at you, you're awesome! He's just stupid. But don't call people that. That was a bad word

"Is this how love is? Is this what people in a relationship would go through?"

Sigh, she could've gone to my mom to get advice and would have felt better by now. I'm a bad sister.

Uhm, yeah, I suppose. Actually yes, you know what, it is normal. Just calm down, chillax; things will get better and he'll text you. Ok?

She didn't seem convinced.

A badminton game was on.

"I miss Thomas Cup (where she met the boy). Can't believe it was a year ago.."

Why don't you text him. Tell him you miss Thomas Cup. And that you miss him.

"Okay"

3minutes later..

"Kak!! He replied! Waaaaa I'm so happy!!" She was more than happy, actually. Jumping up and down, humming to herself, looking at herself smile in the mirror. Lovesick.

I continued with minding my own lame business. Ignoring her, when suddenly..

"Kak, you know, you should take your own advice sometimes..I'm just saying!"

Sigh. How do kids get to be so smart?

Startup Quote

Startup Quote

Talk Show #2: Bulan Ramadhan

Salam 1Malaysia, Salam Ramadhon.

Kota Kuala Lumpur.

Di bulan yang mulia ini, semua syaitan dan iblis akan diikat di dalam api neraka. Oleh kerana itu, kebanyakkan filem-filem berkisarkan hantu dan thriller banyak menerima sambutan, malah ada yang box office kerana orang tidak takutkan hantu pada bulan ini. Lantas mereka akan menonton semua cerita hantu yang telah di'download' tapi tak berani untuk tengok pada waktu ini.

Bila emak bertanya: "Romzi! Kau tak pergi solat tarawikh ke?!"
Romzi menjawab: "Kejap mak, tak leh nak pause ni, pontianak tu tengah nak gigit leher dia ni!"


Ramai yang menggelengkan kepala.

Ya, memang benar. Isu hedonisme melampau sudah lama menjengah abad-21 ini. Malah, kita telah terlalu taksub dengan keghairahan dunia dan fantasinya.

Jejaka usia 20-an bertanya pada teman wanitanya: "B, kita nak buka kat mana harini?"
Teman wanita lepasan SPM menjawab: "Hmm, Pizza Hut? Eh tak nak lah, KFC lah? Oh tak tak, Flaming Steambot kat Subang tu lah nak?"
Jejaka membalas: "Ish you ni, gelojoh tau!"  Sambil mencubit manja lengan teman wanitanya.

Kita menggeleng kepala. Tapi adakah kerana kita juga melakukannya?

Tepat jam 7 malam, semua meja dia restoran-restoran terkemuka di kota dihuni pengunjung-pengunjung lahap yang sudah bersiap sedia untuk membaham makanan di depan mereka.

Para pengunjung bukan Islam yang baru tiba terkejut kerana bukan sahaja meja dipenuhi orang yang sekadar melihat saja makanan (ya lah, belum waktu berbuka), tetapi masih ramai lagi yang sedang beratur membeli makanan.

"Sudahlah di pasar juadah sesak dengan orang, di sini juga tak kurang penuhnya"


Itulah hakikatnya.

Yang di atas jalan, cuba memotong sana sini agar sampai ke destinasi sebelum berbuka. Ya, tiada siapa yang suka berbuka di dalam kereta.

Tepat waktu berbuka, serentak bagai di army boot camp, semua insan yang berpuasa, tak kira di mana jua, mengangkat tangan membaca doa dan terus menyelamkan muka di dalam timbunan nasi (bagi yang makan nasi lah).

Selesai makan, semua tersandar di kerusi.

Anak muda A bertanya rakannya: "Weh, hari ni nak tarawikh tak?"
Anak muda B: "Aduhh, senak pula perut ni. Aku selang-seli makan sambil minum tadi. Nasi belah kanan, air belah kiri. Esok jelah. Tak apa, Ramadhan kan sebulan.."


Dan bila melakukan solat tarawikh..

Gadis A: "Kita buat lapan je tau. Hari ni moreh sedap. Bubur kacang hijau!"
Gadis B: "Ok! Nanti lepas witir tunggu kat luar cepat-cepat. Sebab kena rebut dengan jemaah lelaki..Diorang selalu habiskan makanan.."


Inilah dia beberapa situasi biasa di bulan Ramadhan. Fikir-fikirkanlah yang mana amalan yang kita patut jadikan teladan, dan yang mana tidak. Saya juga selalu terjebak, dan cuba sering mengingatkan diri sendiri.

Jadilah diri anda yang terbaik bulan ini, kerana kita belum pasti jika kita boleh meraikan Ramadhan tahun hadapan..

Semoga berjumpa lagi di lain kali. Saya, melaporkan.

Come as you are

Come as you are (Nirvana cover) by Yuna


Another one of Yuna's music goodness. With Pharrell Williams from N.E.R.D. as producer. You can see him briefly in the video, towards the end.

People can love or hate her, but they can only love her music. Malay girl making it big in the Big Apple city.

Lupakan Semalam

Lupakan Semalam by Salam

I got attracted to Salam (musically, of course) since I first heard him in Cerita Kedai Kopi featuring the Malaysian hip-hop megastar, Malique from TooPhat and DJ Fuzz.

I thought not just the song is rhythmically awesome (ska! ska!), but the lyrics touched more than just human feelings - they speak of status quo, issues people are too afraid to mention in a song, simply because they are the truth.

What more, he rocks the 'locks! Malay guy 'lost' in Amsterdam, advocating peace and love in all true reggaeness.

What's not to love?

His songs remind me of Gerard et les Stars, my all-time fave French ska band, except of course, Salam is a one-man band.

Rasta Love.

Hello, welcome to my new talk show.

Salam 1 Malaysia.

Darsa-warsa ini, terlalu ramai orang yang ingin menjadi seorang yang unik, dan berbeda antara satu dengan lain. Mengapa? Kerana ini adalah perlu.

Malah, 'perlu' itu adalah satu understatement; kata yang lebih tepat adalah wajib. Imperative. Compulsory. Salient.

Lantas, apa akan terjadi tatkala setiap orang di muka bumi ini menjadi unik? Jawapannya, semua orang akan jadi normal. Anda ikut? ("Are you following?")

Huh? Apa ni? Cakap berbelit ar! Panggil Bik Syoliha lah, dia pandai sikit explain benda-benda falsafah ni!

Maaf para hadirin, bawa bertenang. Bik Syoliha kini sedang bercuti di kampung halamannya, di Jawa Tengah, Indonesia (iklan: untuk kiriman salam buat Bik Syoliha sempena bulan Romadhon ini, sila dial 1-800-44-tekan-tekan-tak-dapat)<-- argh lame!

Jadi, saya akan mengambil alih tanggungjawab berat untuk terangkan ini pada anda semua. Harap bertenang.

Baiklah, berbalik pada hujah kompleks tadi. Bila seseorang itu lain dari yang lain, dia unik. Bila semua orang unik, mereka adalah normal.

Kosa kata:

Different = unique
Unique = different


Ekuisinya (equation) di sini adalah:

1 person being different = unique
10 people being unique = trend
1 billion people being unique = normal

Sementelahan itu, ada juga populasi yang merasakan mereka makhluk unik, namun tidak dipersetujui masyarakat sejagat. Kumpulan ini digelar dengan nama saintifik, Wannabes. Namun tidak salah untuk mencuba.

Rentetan itu, nasihat saya pada anda di luar sana yang ingin menjadi unik, hanyalah satu: jadilah normal. Kerana normal itu unik di era pembangunan kini yang dipenuhi dengan manusia "unik".

Sekian, semoga berjumpa lagi di hari dan waktu yang sama. Salam 1Malaysia.

Blessed with a curse

Blessed with a curse by Bring Me the Horizon

Recognize this song? Hehe. A small dice of my heart has long been sacrificed to hardcore metal/screamo. Such a sweet face, that Oliver boy, can't believe he peed on a fan before. Pfft, rockstars and their antics.

Ex Beach Wedding Virgin

I was pretty happy for I spent half of the weekdays last week in a private beach in Langkawi - I couldn't ask for a better timing.

As I will tell you, timing is only the beginning of it all - the entire course of the wedding (four separate ceremonies altogether) was spectacular. I can take credit for my parents as they helped out with the planning of the wedding. One of the four ceremonies was their beach wedding. I've never been to a beach wedding before, so this was my first! I'm no longer a beach wedding virgin!

The wedding was of Aina Elias and Tatsuro Miller. Here is a pre-wedding video of the couple:

Firstly, they readily make a beautiful couple. Hence, their wedding looked extra beautiful - when especially armed with an army of people who made it the event that it was.

I pride myself with one tiny thing: I suggested them the videographer for the wedding. They already had photographers (from Kidchan), and were still looking for videographers to capture moments in motion - only logical especially with couples that boast amazing personalities. Their style, is very avant-garde with pastel shadowings and very fairytale like. Often times, their layout is like a plot - from the beginning of the wedding day, to the end, capturing moments instead of just "things" or "people".

So I showed Aina this blog that I've been stalking since last year - Kudegraphy (especially when I'm in need to get sappy - don't ask me why) and at first Tats was a bit reluctant to "act" for a video. But finally, they opted for it.

They also shot videos and stills for the beach wedding - only make sense as their style is very wistful and matches the "beach" theme and also coz I guess Aina thought they did a pretty good job with the pre-wed video.

I met the Kudegraphy team (Ili, Kude & friend) during the wedding - in fact, we took the same flights to and fro (I was starstruck!) and told them I'm booking them for my wedding! So one thing checked off the list. Now, for the groom...

Anyways, just to share; recently (April), they explored with fashion video on Natasha Hudson and I thought it's really awesome I shared it with my sister. We watched it over and over again! Can't get enough!




And these guys are versatile and professional; they would sneak behind you or hide in the bushes to get natural and perceptive shots without you even noticing. This is a plus point for me, as I really dislike photographers at events who literally place their hugeass lenses in your face and snap away whilst making hustles and giving all sorts of comments and instructions (i.e. "adik muka tunduk sikit, tapi pandang kiri then kepala condong ke kanan sikit je.." -- are you kidding me?!), and then murder people with their hugeass camera bags smashing away in the process.

They only take few commissions per year, just to give more focus and undivided attention to the event/wedding - I guess inclusive of the post-editing etc. (I dated a photographer once and my mom used to be a photographer too, so trust me on this, it will take as long as it will take) So if you want to book them, find them earlier, like maybe a year before! Hah kidding (but seriously).

I'm going to stop pulling their plug here, so just head on to their website for more info or just to daydream and get inspiration for your own wedding and stuff. When I have the time I will share some interesting bits about the entire wedding.

Meantime, take care guys.


p/s: can't believe Amy Winehouse just passed. She was just 27. Long live great musicians.

For Future Reference

Hello Izza,

I hope one day you will scour through this blog again and read this post.

I am proud of you today. You have overcome one fear; a very old fear, and although it may look trivial to others but I understood how huge this is to you.

That's why I think (and I know) that you deserve the best. Because you have believed in yourself for once.

That was no easy feat - in fact, I thought you would have chickened out as you will always do when it comes to this, but no. You swallowed all that nerves and put on a pleasant front.

Better days are yet to come, and when the day comes, do not chicken out or think that it is a scheme - coz most of the time, good things are genuinely just good things. Do not presume otherwise until proven to be so.

Again, I am proud of you.

Nothing Glorious

Nothing Glorious by Musée Mécanique


Had a chat with my colleague about love (yea, we are paid to figure out what love is lol) and this really wise person told me:

"..really, love comes in many forms; and often times you are too oblivious to it because you think it will come in an extravagant form - fireworks, sparks, confetti, all that shit - but really, sometimes it comes as something you see everyday..maybe in the form of a person you already knew.."

How can a person my age be so smart? Haha. Well, it's probably coz I'm nowhere close to being affluent at this. And oblivious too.

So love can be something ordinary, something common. It can be nothing glorious.

Lahaha

Lahaha  by Shugo Tokumaru

Cheers - to happier days ahead :)

Who was I in the past life?

My sister showed me this website: Past Life Analysis (click to go) and it will diagnose you to who you were in the past life.

So, who was I? A jeweller or a watch-maker apparently. Sounds good.


Your past life diagnosis:

---

I don't know how you feel about it, but you were female in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Portugal around the year 400. Your profession was that of a jeweler or watch-maker.

---

Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
Inquisitive, inventive, you liked to get to the very bottom of things and to rummage in books. Talent for drama, natural born actor.

---

The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
The world is full of ill and lonely people. You should help those, who are less fortunate than you are.

---

Do you remember now?

So find out yours now!! *Excited*

#bersih

There are two types of people in this world:

1. Those who conform
2. Those who conform blindly

Be the first all you want, but don't be the latter.

All in the Nuance

Come August.

Manusia dan Masalah

Kadang-kala rasanya macam diri ini kurang bersyukur; sentiasa menyalahkan keadaan, mencari cela dan yang negatif - sungguh ironis kerana rasanya aku seorang yang optimis.

Kebelakangan ini, aku seperti hilang kepercayaan dan sukar untuk melihat yang baik.

Bukan untuk mencari salah siapa, tetapi lebih untuk mencari penyelesaian. Mungkin juga bukan penyelesaian yang aku cari; mungkin suatu kebenaran. Ah, aku sendiri tidak pasti.

Memang, setiap manusia itu didatangi dengan masalah, cuma bezanya skala masalah tersebut. Aku tahu, Tuhan tidak akan beri umatnya masalah yang Dia rasa kita tidak boleh atasi. Tetapi adakah aku cukup tabah untuk semua ini?

Setiap kali aku rasakan masalah aku cukup besar, aku akan mengimbas nasib orang lain yang lebih teruk - bukan sebagai escapism , tetapi sebagai peringatan, bahawa aku tidak layak untuk merungut.

Baru semalam aku mendapat tahu beberapa rakanku kehilangan insan-insan yang mereka sayangi, malah, ada juga yang telah cacat anggota akibat kemalangan. Namun mereka semua mengharungi hidup seperti biasa.

Aku sebenarnya cukup bertuah, tetapi aku juga tidak lari dari masalah. Ada masanya aku merasakan diri ini sungguh jauh - dari Tuhan, dari sahabat-sahabat, dari keluarga, dari kehidupan ku sendiri. Dan cukup sukar untuk aku berpatah balik.

Rakanku pernah berkata: Kita hanya hidup tiga hari - semalam, hari ini, dan esok. Semalam sudah pergi dan tiada apa yang boleh dilakukan untuk mengubahnya. Dan hari Esok, belum pasti ada untuk kita. Apa yang pasti dan nyata adalah hari ini. Kita masih boleh lakukan yang terbaik untuk hari ini.

Aku berazam untuk menjadi versi diri aku yang terbaik hari ini.

Peribadi

Peribadi by The Azenders

A local band consisting of Sam (Bunkface), Izal (One Buck Short), Ajam (Dichi Michi), and Kudut (Robot Asmara) formed mid last year (2010) as their side project.

I have to say that their songs reflect a diluted, slightly more melancholic kind of punk, with a whisp of some electronica. This song in particular sounded like Sam's (and possibly the others too) cathartic platform of what could be his personal ocean of doubts. I like honesty in songs. This is a win, although I thought it has a rather slow build-up. And somewhere in the song, I was reminded of the Killers.
               
All in all, good, but I think they are still searching for that niche factor that sets them apart from the sea of aspiring bands.


p/s: I lost my glasses today, and everything seemed to go wrong. Ordering a new pair pronto!

The Wilhelm Scream

The Wilhelm Scream by James Blake

I pretty much am sure that I have a weird attachment to songs with the phrase "I don't know" in the lyrics. Like Damien Rice's Le Professor and others that I can't really recall top-of-mind. Especially if it's said repetitively. Or anything else that is said repetitively in a song - I think that's the heart of the song, the emphasis.

Anyways, I think this song is almost hypnotic. It feels like your ears are being teased with feathers. Nice.

Mr. Mystery Man

                         

The smell

- familiar.

Who are you?

A nobody

- just a person

who happens to be in your life.

The sight

- well, none.

Where are you?

A place

- very near.

As close as you want me to be.

The presence

- inevitable, unrepentant.

Why are you here?

A purpose

- for you.

I am the reason you live.

I make the blind see.

Life: Un-updated

Ugh pretty much what I've been lately? A soiled sock tucked under a bed and frosted with cobwebs. Lo and behold, I have been at home, STUDYING!

I know, simply bizarre. But these photos are proof I've been a good girl.

 Really, the colored pens and highlighters aren't necessary.  They served more for the aesthetics rather than being functional. But they did keep my left brain on its toes. (I realized my bed is so orange! Must change color scheme!)

I had to take an exam (Market and Social Research Accredited Exam or something) which was supposed to mark my approx one year in the company - and it was certainly a milestone! What would be great though, is if I get a solid distinction. I'll be taking the cert and show it up my face in the mirror and tell my alter ego "You said what?! I ain't got the brain and passion anymore?! Take this!"

Yes, that's me. Earning my 45min nap after every half an hour interval of studying. More rest than study. Severe ADD when it comes to studying.

And life in general has been pretty rocky in every department - so taking this exam was, ironically, a form of an escape for me. Well, good and bad. Good: It took my mind off things. Bad: Well, I had to study! And like memorize things, underline keypoints bla bla bla all that ugliness.

So I was the only person who took the test, in the entire big hall. One invigilator, and one me. So there's the two of us. 10mins to 5:00 he said "Ok, we'll start at 5". I said ok and looked at him, coz there's nothing else to look at. So he got nervous for being the centre of the attention and declared "OK, maybe you can just start now". I got 10mins extra - hey, that's a huge thing ok!

So I came home from the exam, had some dinner before, and log on to Facebook. One new Friend Request. Hmm.. who could it be? So I checked, and voila! The guy who was my invigilator added me on Facebook!! OMG! WTH! (No offense dude, if you like stalked me and like found my blog). Where is his professionalism?! Seriously.

I've also grown into a monster if you see me up close. Since I haven't relied on home food for quite a while now (since that fight with mom. Bad bad girl!), the rempit guy from McDelivery has been my bestfriend. I've been feeding myself junk and it's taking its toll on me. I am fugly. Plus, my room is a mess. I eat, sleep, study, socialize within the vicinity of the four walls of my room. I don't even jog at night anymore - the only exercise I do is breeze-walking from my room to the toilet (around 6-7 steps). YUCK IZZA!

Nothing's going great, really. It's all been downhill. But wait a sec - that call; that fateful call I received just this week. Yep, that's one happy thing. But I can't share with you just yet. Hehe. Will see how it goes!


p/s: I'd like to see Prema Yin make it big in Hollywood and screw the world over. Hah!

Apparatus

Let the balloons go
I've had someone say
But chase the chase of a dream

And just before you grasp
the entirety of it
in your hands,

record the wind underneath
keep the feeling in your hand

and then pull it by the string.

Let it float free
but tug at it when need be.

Who let the dogs out? Teachers.

I saw some photos that my friend from high school uploaded on Facebook. Normally, I would just scroll down the news feed really fast like a finger on a treadmill and ignore stuff that aren't a) related to me b) appeal to me c) involve Malaysian politics (ok I lied. I actually like stupid, unnecessary drama).

So anyways, I saw this album that he uploaded and I clicked on it. It was of a friend's wedding that I was supposed to go, but couldn't at the last minute. And there they were, my schoolmates - those whom I was always in a fight with, those whom I've pranked and have pranked me, and those who have taught me the meaning of friendship (or how to differentiate real friends and FFBs)

They all looked so.. civilised. So grown up. The bizarreness of it went to a whole new level when I felt a smile actually growing on my face. And a tiny little tear peeped through the corner of my eye.

I missed those carefree/careless days, in school. Days when all adults can do to you if you're being naughty is to shout at you, cane you, humiliate you publicly or throw a *insert item* at you. But never could they make you feel small despite your size, because at that moment in your life, kids rule.

However miniature or geeky you are, you are bound to have at least one friend who share the same interest as you. All the better if you can actually influence other kids to be your 'followers' or minions, to break into the science lab in the middle of the night, or not go to class and hide behind the frail and pathetic bushes at the risk of getting busted by teachers whom you hated for knowing what's best for you and etc.

These friends you have in school are the ones who grow up with you. Who've seen you pre and during puberty. Who've shared tips on how to cheat in a test, who've helped you go through a 'surgery' to bust a zit on your nose, who've covered for you when you didn't do your homework.

These are the people who you've cried together with over a lost of RM50 (this is big bucks those days)coz you don't recall where you put it, whom you've ganged up with to go against the boys, or the teachers/authorities/government/world/universe, who had accompanied you to leave lyrics to Greenday songs under the desk of a boy you have a crush on, in the hopes that he would actually 'read between the lines' and know how you feel about him. And these are the people who, on prom night, stood with you on the stage to sing 'Where Have All the Boot Boys
Gone' by ACAB.

I can't say I was a good kid throughout my schooling days (who is anyway right? Well, no offence to those who really were good kids) but it was all definitely worth it when you do all the wrong things with the right people.

I miss my school friends, and school itself (the academic aspects weren't that bad either. You actually like, learned, like..stuff). I'm so proud to see them all grown up - some looked the same but have grown some facial hair (quite an upgrade). Most of them looked different, but still with the same glimmer of mischief in their eyes.

I hope someone from my school will get married soon, so that I have a reason to meet up with them - I mean some normal lame ass reunion is sooooo uncool, and I wouldn't want to ruin my rep in front of these punks who'd pranked me! Haha.

I love RM1 mee goreng, nasi lemak, and mihun goreng. RM1 canteen food FTW!

I'd give anything to go back to school - minus homeworks, exams, the school uniform, assembly, teachers, BCG, rubella, kawad kaki, and kelas tambahan on weekends. Other than that, I LOVE SCHOOL!

i am not

a legend
a role model
a whiz
a maestro
a beauty
a match
a good daughter

your expectations
bucketful of sunshines all the time
like every bit of your dream

perfect

somebody or
a person with potential to be somebody

a person who knows you anymore

coming back to where we were.

Mr. Tambourine Man

Happy 70th this year to Dylan.

"I was so much older then.."

- Robert Allen "Bob Dylan" Zimmerman, UNCUT Magazine: Dylan 70th Birthday Special

 I owned a copy. YEAY!

i miss Atok

Went to visit my Atok - she just came back from the hospital past few days. She had a smile on her face when she saw me. She thought I was still mad (about a particular incident) and went MIA because of merajuk.

I said no, when in fact it was because of that, but I didn't want her to feel sad or like create drama, so I denied it.

I secretly weeped looking at Atok - she is no longer as strong as she used to be; no longer bubbly and talkative the way she was as I remembered her to be.

I miss her so very badly. She was telling me about how the doctors poked her fingers and hands to put in the drippers and complained about how bad the hospital food was. She said she remembered my grandpa, and missed him everyday at the hospital. Grandpa passed away in 1991. She said if Grandpa was still alive, he wouldn't let her go to the hospital; he would take care of her at home.

I miss my Atok, I wish I can stay with her everyday. But she's so far away in Johor. She's always alone at home and all of us are here in KL.

I hope my mom will never have to go through that when she's old. I will take care of my parents the best I could.