I Want To Go

I want to go far away from wherever I am now.

I want to fall off the radar.

I want to go to a place where nobody I know can find me.

I just want to be alone.

Shallow Insight on Things

Toilets - they are one of the most important facilities in our lives, and yet under-appreciated. My favourite toilet, is surprisingly, not the one in my home which I often use. But in fact, it is the one in my ex-office (the advertising company I worked at before). It has the appropriate amount of width and height; space around the toilet bowl for you to swing both your hands around in cases of "boredom", and the most important factor for me: absolute white. The entire four sides of the toilet cubicle is so white that when you stare into any of the sides for long enough, it almost seem endless. You feel like you're floating in space. I get high every time I sit in that toilet - to do my business, or to think. Also, the toilet is always, always dry. Ahh, the little things in life.

Who let the dogs out? Teachers.

I saw some photos that my friend from high school uploaded on Facebook. Normally, I would just scroll down the news feed really fast like a finger on a treadmill and ignore stuff that aren't a) related to me b) appeal to me c) involve Malaysian politics (ok I lied. I actually like stupid, unnecessary drama).

So anyways, I saw this album that he uploaded and I clicked on it. It was of a friend's wedding that I was supposed to go, but couldn't at the last minute. And there they were, my schoolmates - those whom I was always in a fight with, those whom I've pranked and have pranked me, and those who have taught me the meaning of friendship (or how to differentiate real friends and FFBs)

They all looked so.. civilised. So grown up. The bizarreness of it went to a whole new level when I felt a smile actually growing on my face. And a tiny little tear peeped through the corner of my eye.

I missed those carefree/careless days, in school. Days when all adults can do to you if you're being naughty is to shout at you, cane you, humiliate you publicly or throw a *insert item* at you. But never could they make you feel small despite your size, because at that moment in your life, kids rule.

However miniature or geeky you are, you are bound to have at least one friend who share the same interest as you. All the better if you can actually influence other kids to be your 'followers' or minions, to break into the science lab in the middle of the night, or not go to class and hide behind the frail and pathetic bushes at the risk of getting busted by teachers whom you hated for knowing what's best for you and etc.

These friends you have in school are the ones who grow up with you. Who've seen you pre and during puberty. Who've shared tips on how to cheat in a test, who've helped you go through a 'surgery' to bust a zit on your nose, who've covered for you when you didn't do your homework.

These are the people who you've cried together with over a lost of RM50 (this is big bucks those days)coz you don't recall where you put it, whom you've ganged up with to go against the boys, or the teachers/authorities/government/world/universe, who had accompanied you to leave lyrics to Greenday songs under the desk of a boy you have a crush on, in the hopes that he would actually 'read between the lines' and know how you feel about him. And these are the people who, on prom night, stood with you on the stage to sing 'Where Have All the Boot Boys
Gone' by ACAB.

I can't say I was a good kid throughout my schooling days (who is anyway right? Well, no offence to those who really were good kids) but it was all definitely worth it when you do all the wrong things with the right people.

I miss my school friends, and school itself (the academic aspects weren't that bad either. You actually like, learned, like..stuff). I'm so proud to see them all grown up - some looked the same but have grown some facial hair (quite an upgrade). Most of them looked different, but still with the same glimmer of mischief in their eyes.

I hope someone from my school will get married soon, so that I have a reason to meet up with them - I mean some normal lame ass reunion is sooooo uncool, and I wouldn't want to ruin my rep in front of these punks who'd pranked me! Haha.

I love RM1 mee goreng, nasi lemak, and mihun goreng. RM1 canteen food FTW!

I'd give anything to go back to school - minus homeworks, exams, the school uniform, assembly, teachers, BCG, rubella, kawad kaki, and kelas tambahan on weekends. Other than that, I LOVE SCHOOL!

fine, i'll get over it

As you know, I was a bit reluctant to embrace the new year. But I thought, you know, it doesn't even matter. What difference does it make, if it's 2011 or 2025, or 1974?

What matters most is how I make use of the year.

So here's a (sarcastic) hello to the new year. Finally.

A Sarcastic Hello by Anni B Sweet

Introduced by a friend, a film/arts/music and everything-indie buff. Thanks TAF!

hey listen to me

People talk, here and there. About important things, non-important things, whatever.

Sometimes it's just too much I feel like screaming shut up a*seholes!

I know the person I should be saying that to is probably myself, I'm fond of talking gibberish and nonsense in general that what I say may actually gatecrash people's invisible sanity walls.

I like doing that to people, but don't necessarily like it when people do that to me *pfft selfish ain't she*

But hang on, before you judge (which you might have already), I actually really do listen to people. It's just that sometimes it's tiring.

So how do I filter all that useless trash dialogue the public throw around?

Believe it or not, my ears are powerful; well my mind is, at least (walaw!).

I am a selective listener, so I keep my ears from becoming strained.

The first 50seconds, I will listen attentively. If you got me within that, well, you've got me hooked. If it's not important, or does not catch my fancy, I drop it. Sometimes I pretend to be interested, or a huge proportion of the time, I just wander into other things in my mind.

For you noobs out there, let Yoda help you. You should be grateful, just for my presence in this world.

Here I've got some pointers for you. Read on.

If you want to look interested, but think about something else in a conversation:

1. [If it's a guy] Look at that person's beard/stubs/moustache; it makes you look like you're listening closely, while thinking about what he is saying, but at the same time not giving him the wrong signal by gazing deep into his eyes. Unless you're into him - this is allowed.

2. [If it's a girl] Look at her face in general (don't specify area, the girl will think you're looking at her flaws) and don't ever look away. Even if there's a fly that is bugging you. Or the guy that just passed smelled so good you want to just get a glimpse of his face. Don't.

3. [General] Do not nod your head too much and vary the rapidness of the nods. Ensure good mix of slow nods, and a few vigorous nods where you notice that person is raising his/her voice.

4. Say "hmm" when you sense he/she is asking a question (but you missed it), and follow by saying "I don't know man..really. But I understand what you're saying" It gives the person the assurance he/she needs whilst at the same time, providing enough freedom for he/she to make a decision without you influencing. Win-win.

5. Squint your eyes a little. Not too frequent, just to add some variety to your "attentiveness" in the conversation. For best effect, squint your eyes while looking at the person talking, then blink your eyes slowly and turn away from that person before you open them again. It gives the "thinking far" feel.

6. Tilt your head. This is normally for when someone is talking about how great his/her relationship is going. But you don't really want to hear all about how cute the teddy bear her boyfriend gives her or how his girlfriend has the best body on earth it's alien to humans etc. The more excited the person is talking about it, the closer you position your ear to your shoulder. You can also rest your hand on your elbow, and place your chin in your palm. Don't forget to throw in a little smile here and there.

7. If you suddenly see the person is laughing (which is probably because he/she just cracked a joke that you have no idea what about), cover your mouth with both your hands and face down. If you're supposed to laugh really hard, than cross your arms on the table and put your head on it (facing your knees) and shake your shoulders in a "shivering" manner. Face the speaker once in a while whilst breathing heavily or gasp for air and put a hand on your stomach; indicating you've been laughing real hard. Bang the table a few times, face down, with the combo of all the above if he's still laughing. The key here is: to face down.

TRIVIA: This is because when you laugh, your face actually creates, biologically, some fine lines at the corner of the eyes, and the corners of your mouth - these, you can't fake. So if you don't want to get busted, better hide it.

8.  Put a hand on his/her arm if he/she is telling a sad story. Leave it there. Rub a little, but nothing too extravagant, like hugging etc. The maximum you can go is to put your arm around him/her from the side.

9. Hug him/her from the front, only if he/she is crying (with tears streaming). Make your eyebrows into one straight line, and raise the middle part (where the two eyebrows meet). Turn both your upper and lower lips inward and let out small sighs along the way. Incorporate pointer #8 if need be.

10. Try to counter-attack. This is a weapon for when he/she actually caught you not listening. Begin your sentence with "I know, I'm listening, I'm listening. Just trying to imagine/think". This can be followed by "Hmm..but you know [continue with any counter-reflex statements from his/her previous sentence]" Also, since prevention is better than cure, you can drop here and there when he/she is in mid-sentence with the words "But..don't you think.." and stop there. When he/she asks you what, you tell "No, no, continue. Nothing important"

So, I will stop at #10, before you all start using this against me when I'm talking to you next time. Haha. And just for the record, I normally really listen to people, this is just based on observations on what I think works when you really want to try and listen to people but they are just too boring.

In a way, I'm actually teaching you how to be polite to other people. Hehe. Otherwise, do take the time to really listen to what people are actually really saying (by what they are not saying), rather than just merely listening to the sentences they conjure and throw out to you.

Not saying anything, is also saying something. Think about it. (Walaw! Trying to be deep)

Hope this helps. Goodbye, and be a better listener!

pudu jail

it was a sad goodbye.

taken from klue

the night it happened, the tearing down of the walls of pudu jail, i felt as if a part of my KLness was torn away. somehow. previously, i felt the same way when my former school, Bukit Bintang Girls' School was demolished to make way for Pavilion (the mall now).

and now, on the 21st of June 2010, another significant symbol of KL (a sort of heritage, on the criminal side: botak chin and mona fandey were both executed there. two of malaysia's most notorious criminals) had been erased physically from the sight of KLites and tourists alike.

i was there, when it happened. suddenly felt a strong emotional attachment, though i've never been jailed there or anyone i know, for that matter. but that is not the point. the point is that i've been so used to seeing it there my whole life, and now it wont be there anymore.

the crowd was crazy. there were so many people.

an ex-inmate was telling some of us about his service at the jail. it was pretty heart-wrenching for him, although the only memories he had there were bad ones. but he mentioned that he made some of the best mates there, and they are now all clean and changed. they are still the best of friends now.

a graffiti by inmates at the jail. taken from here.

a friend of mine posted this up on his facebook page. i seriously felt like crying but was at the office, so had to hold my composure. haha. but here it is. take a look:



alternatively check it out on youtube.


bye pudu jail. im going to miss you.

reality

beautiful pictures of a sad situation.

click here.

p/s: at the office now. should not be blogging. bye.

to the stranger im in love with

hello

what's your name?

have i seen you before?

have you ever heard me sing?

i don't make the best lullaby

but every song i write

is my journey to you

you're out there

breathing the same air

i can feel you near

should i wait?

should i find?

i don't wanna be late

i don't wanna be

i don't wanna be late

i don't wanna be

tell me how many songs do i need to write to get to you?

tell me how many songs do i need to write to get to you?

are you here in the crowd?

would you stand out and show yourself up?

'cause i've been talking to that someone in the future

if i could i would just squeeze into the drawer

and spare us this series of nonsense

are you here in the crowd?

would you stand out and show yourself up?

let's save our bloody precious time

and put an end to soulmate-searching drama

we've prolly brushed against each other

we're just too frickin' stupid to even bother

hey it's not like we're getting any younger

and let's not forget all those standard procedure

that might take up another few more years

oh i am tired of talking to someone in the future

if i could i would just squeeze into the drawer

and spare this series of heart-breaking nonsense

this series of heart-breaking nonsense

this series of heart-breaking nonsense

hello

what's your name?

song: dear mr. future
by: wani ardy

Terkini!

"lebih baik aku hidup berkaki ayam

daripada mencuri selipar orang kat masjid lepas solat jumaat..!!"

KUALA LUMPUR - di atas merupakan kata-kata wisdom seorang rakan ku.

beliau dilaporkan kehilangan sepasang selipar cap buaya (crocs) berwarna hitam dan hijau kegemarannya ketika sedang menyempurnakan solat jumaat di sebuah masjid terkemuka di kota raya.

kini hidup beliau terumbang-ambing dan tidak keruan akibat hilangnya "kemachoan" beliau yang terletak pada seliparnya.selipar tersebut telah menjadi periuk nasi beliau setelah lebih setahun dan juga merupakan senjata penting bagi beliau untuk memancing wanita.

kini, beliau terpaksa menggunakan kuasa "mengayat" beliau yang kurang memuaskan itu untuk mendapatkan nombor telefon wanita-wanita random. waima kecewa sekalipun, beliau tetap optimis bahawa dalam masa sehari sahaja, beliau akan nescaya mendapat sekurang-kurangnya 2000 nombor telefon gadis (melalui yellow pages).

tiada kecederaan fizikal yang serius yang dialami oleh mangsa, namun hati beliau koyak akibat ego beliau yang tercalar.beliau nekad untuk berkaki ayam ke masjid selepas kejadian ini. dan sekiranya hari hujan, beliau bercadang melapik kaki beliau menggunakan plastik apam balik yang selalu dibeli sebelum bersolat.

sekian, Brito Panah (Berita Panas versi kelantan).

tempat dan situasi sama

beberapa bulan yang lalu, aku di sini, di tempat yang sama. memikirkan perkara-perkara yang sama. di sini juga lah, masalah-masalah tersebut hilang. aku harap pisang berbuah dua kali.

mungkin

mungkin aku fobia
dengan perihal-perihal silam.
segala kejadian-kejadian
yang kategorinya "sejarah".

mungkin juga aku cuma takut
akan perkara yang bakal terjadi.
hal-hal yang tidak diketahui
oleh sesiapa terutama aku.

mungkin aku tidak pasti
dengan diriku sendiri.
persoalan siapa, apa dan mengapa
prinsip dan moralku, cita dan cintaku.

atau mungkin kerana aku tahu
bahwa aku punyai sepasang kaki
yang sihat dan berupaya
yang mampu berlari, membawa ku jauh

jauh dari sini.

potensi

apa yang lebih baik sekarang ini bukanlah orang yang telah memiliki segala-galanya (sudahlah bukan dengan hasil titik peluh sendiri), tetapi orang yang berpotensi memiliki segala-galanya dengan sedikit usaha dan kepercayaan.

potensi itu menjanjikan seribu satu kepastian, dan semua orang memilikinya. apa yang menjadi perbezaan hanyalah sama ada kita menggunakannya atau tidak.

aku suka menjadi orang yang melihat sendiri potensi menjadi kejayaan.

Twitter

I finally conform to the ever impending socialism.

one current trend that is going to stay for a heck of a long time: Twitter.

since i might dip my feet in the advertising field, i might as well get my self prepped up with all the social networking fads just to get a first-hand experience of what its all about. 

plus, its free - i have nothing to lose.

so ladies and gentlemen, my Twitter page:

http://twitter.com/izzaize

do follow me on twitter, i will guarantee interesting quips and tweets that are worth your seconds.

if you have any questions, i also have a formspring account:

http://www.formspring.me/izzaize


geez, graduation marks the beginning of all things virtual. its not like we are all willing to give our phone numbers to strangers. so yeah, these sites are good substitutions.

tenang.

semalaman aku tidak tidur. berkali-kali aku refill air teh di McD. jiwa kacau, hati racau lah katakan. berpaket-paket gula aku isi; rakus macam ambil dadah. aku keluar menenangkan emosi aku yang tatkala itu tak ubah seperti ombak menghempas pantai. rasa nak bantai orang pun ada. rasa nak meraung pun ada. rasa nak tutup muka dengan selimut pun ada.

aku layankan juga perasaan. keluar, dengan niat mencari ketenangan. beberapa insan yang prihatin mengajak ku keluar. sebelum itu, aku telah mengisi perut kosong dengan orang-orang terapat di restoran Hassan. gembira sikit hati. tapi tetap berombak.

lantas, jiwa lara ku dibawa ke ampang. mataku disogok pemandangan Kuala Lumpur yang terang benderang, dan langit tak berbintang memayungi ku. telinga disuap alunan muzik dari gitar kapok dendangan rakan ku dan bibir ku perlahan-lahan menyanyikan sekali bait-bait not yang dimainkan.

di antara gelak tawa dan senyuman, minda ku berulang-ulang kali memikirkan sesuatu. hal tersebut sememangnya tak ubah seperti wayang gambar, hampir sukar dipercayai. aku fikirkan, sambil lama-kelamaan hal itu hilang bersama angin yang bertiup menandakan akan hujan.

akhirnya, di tengah kota itu, hujan turun membasah bumi. begitu juga masalah ku, dan emosi ku, dan segala perasaan bercampur-baur di dalam hati ku - jatuh lumut ke tanah, dan hanyut dalam refleksi pada lopak-lopak air.

aku yakin bahawa hatiku akan senantiasa mengingat perasaan yang aku rasai pada malam itu, dan kotak memori ku pasti menyimpan kejadian itu dalam satu lubuk khas. namun, ku bahaskan jua dengan diriku yang perkara lepas tidak patut dijadikan halangan untuk terus maju dalam hidup, walau sesukar mana pun untuk aku lakukannya. 

aku biarkan hilai tawa rakan-rakan ku menggamit ku kembali pada realiti. dan aku minum lagi teh panas tatkala kesejukkan hujan jam 5pagi. ku tenteramkan jiwa, ku motivasi diri agar kembali tenang. kembali pada keadaan asal. ku bayangkan ianya tidak pernah berlaku.

dan sesampai ku di rumah, sang matahari mula menyingkap awan malam, dan kelabu langit yang masih belum puas menangiskan hujan. ku buka tingkap, ku hirup udara segar pagi, ku lihat mendung awan jam 7, dan tiba-tiba jiwa ku menjadi kembali tenang. aku tersenyum sendiri. hidup siapa yang tiada masalah? biasalah, asam garam hidup. 


lalu ku terus sarapkan halwa telinga dan hati dengan playlist cover instrumental oleh David Sides di youtube. lagu Take A Bow oleh rihanna. layan kan saja.

sekarang, masa untuk capai apa yang ku mahu. masa untuk bertindak.
apa pun, misi terbesar jangka masa pendekku perlu diselesaikan dulu: AE.

buat yang terbaik, izza.

ya, aku boleh.

saya kurang selesa

saya tidak gemar/kurang selesa dengan:

1. gambar orang yang latar belakangnya luas.
ermm maksudnya dalam foto tersebut ada orang tetapi nampak kecil sahaja dan background nya melitupi hampir segenap ruang gambar. contoh:

ini kerana ia membuatkan saya rasa takut dan inferior kepada alam persekitaran tatkala melihat gambar-gambar sebegitu. rasa seperti hati sayup. seperti mengingatkan saya betapa kerdilnya manusia.

2. melihat kaki orang di bawah pintu.
tidak kira lah ada kaki atau tidak, tetapi saya tidak suka meletakkan pipi di lantai dan melihat melalui ruang bawah pintu. aksi ini membuatkan saya rasa claustrophobic walaupun hakikatnya saya tidak berasa sebegitu dalam situasi lain. contoh:

3. kombinasi bau rokok dan (isi tempat kosong)
ini antara benda yang saya tidak suka dan tidak boleh elak. perokok dan bau rokok masih boleh saya tolerate, cuma dalam situasi di mana bau rokok tersebut telah bercampur baur dengan, katakan, bau nafas perokok tersebut (yang sudah memang berbau), atau bercampur dengan bau badan, agak sukar untuk saya terima. ini kerana, terdapat pelbagai cara untuk mengelak: chewing gum, gula-gula etc.


itu sahaja buat masa ini.

*menari dalam separa pusingan, sambil tangan ke udara melambai-lambai*

best and worst week

this week could be both the best and the worst week.

why the worst?

1. what else, assignments and AE due. =.="
2. we are nearing the exam weeks! wargghh! :o
3. it would be the third last week of my friggin student life..ever! T.T
4. hence, saying farewells, reminiscing, crying, hugging, goodbyes etc which im not particularly good at (though im not that good at keeping relationships either. bad at returning calls!) :s
5. just the fact of having to say goodbye to (almost) everything. T.T :'(


why the best?

1. performing our co-cu drama that we've been practicing, finally! such a wonderful experience. ^.^
2. it's almost the end of uni life, now i get to go to work and see if i fit in! haha :D
3. pre-grad dinner! :p
4. hence, another performance i've been sickly waiting to perform..

this is how i dream to end my student life:

to show them who the real Gaga is! lol
:z :o yey!

the deal about life

here's the deal.

you want to be the best you can ever be.

but you dont know how.

so you ask your mom,

and your mom said:

Well dear, that's life. We spend all our time figuring out.

sunny sunday

went to the hot air balloon event today in putrajaya with my two sisters. met up with some campus friends there too. this is the second time they organized this event and i think they should do it annually. it is awesome. at least we malaysians will have more things to look forward to now. haha.

i also heard their doing some backpackers meet-up in putrajaya with music performances and all, where backpackers locally and internationally get together with their tents up and sleeping bags listening to live music. it's still under discussion, but the deal is it's going to be held in putrajaya. cool stuff.

i bought a kite today; it's colorful and cute. i almost bought the one with the octopus head but i thought i might as well get the more professional looking kite. haha. plus cheaper maa.

i dont really like the weather today. very very hot and i was burning. but tonight it rained, so it compensated and balanced out. i guess in life we must do the same, have checks and balances. well, what can i say, im not one to speak - my life sucked too. hahah. have a good week next week.

p/s: if i survive next week, i will reward myself to a bar of cadbury crunchie. next week is war, it is hell, and it is a battlefield of shitass assignments. who bloody created the concept of homeworks and assignments?! if you did, we need to talk!

how long now?

how many months has it been now?
how many years have passed;
how long did it last?

how do you feel this moment?
how do you want it to be;
how is the future you foresee?

how do you want it to end?
how i can crash and burn;
just watching you take that turn.

i wonder

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.


sometimes i question my own judgements.



..what if?