ibu saya

suatu hari yang tenang. cuaca sedikit sunny dan angin sepoi-sepoi.

aku tiba di rumah setelah pulang dari kerja.

"Hi bu."

"Hi.." kata ibu sambil mata memandang ke bawah, tekun dengan drawing nya. ibu suka melukis, terutama sekali lukisan portraits dan porcelain.

aku berjalan ke peti sejuk dan menuang juice ke dalam gelas.

"Ada food tak ibu?" perut ku berkeroncong, merintih supaya aku feed dia.

"Ada bawah tudung saji tuh.." sambil mengangkat kepalanya.

"My God! gelapnya anak ibu nih! what happened to you??!" ibu mengeluarkan statement separa menjerit.

"Huh?"

"You are so dark! Kulit nampak kusam! Pakai sunscreen SPF berapa nih??"

"Err..30?"

"No, no. From now on, you have to start taking care of yourself. Biarlah muda-muda ni nampak gebu-gebu, bagi kulit tuh licin sikit..Ibu dulu bukan main jaga. Vitamin C tak pernah tinggal."

"I have no money and time for all that.."

"Alah, kalau nak ada je cara. Anak orang semua cantik-cantik.."

Haih, memang lah ada caranya.

Tapi kalau sudah tengah-tengah hari buta suruh aku sebat rumput depan rumah, lepas tu everytime nak masak lunch suruh pergi ke kedai jalan kaki (harga minyak dah mahal, and also to lessen carbon emission, so no driving) beli taugeh lah, cili boh lah..the probability of me getting tanned and sun-burned is so high!

most often than not, aku perlu berjalan kaki dari rumah ke station LRT terdekat untuk ke pejabat. Nah, masakan tidak gelap!

Dan FYI ibu, freckles yang ada di wajah ku ini merupakan hasil DNA ibu dan ayah, jadi jangan salahkan saya!

Apa-apa pun, aku sudah mulai mengambil langkah berjaga-jaga kerana takutkan kanser kulit akibat pancaran UV matahari yang semakin mengganas.

Kini, setiap kali aku menjemur baju dan mengangkat laundry setelah kering, aku pasti akan memakai topi cowboy milik ayah ku yang boleh melindungi wajahku sebanyak 90% dari cahaya matahari. jiran-jiran dan bibik-bibik yang riuh berceloteh di luar sentiasa memandang pelik sambil berbisik melihat kelibatku bertopi cowboy.

agaknya mereka berkata sesama mereka:

"Kok gilak ini, pakei nya topi koboi di rumah aja! pas lagian, cuma ngangkat jemuran! ish, bikin pusing nih!"

dan jiran hot berkereta Myvi SE Oren mungkin berkata dalam hati:

"Wow holy macarel! Now that's what I call fashion-forward meets functionality!"

Ya, saya sering diperkata orang. Mereka menggelar saya: 'IT GIRL' of Setiawangsa Hills.

i know i will

you know
when i think about it,
nothing can actually make me forget you.
nothing
not even someone else

but somehow,
i know i will.
and eventually,
i will.

..but i don't want to.

a thing that always happen to me

one morning, i woke up and i have a song stuck in my head. and the song is still playing repeatedly and i have no idea what song it is. or who's the singer, or where i heard it. why does this always happen to me? ugh.

and on this particular day, it is this song. all i can remember is :

"na na na na stumble and fall,
dad dada da crawl.."

what song is that?! somebody help.

mencintai tidak semestinya memiliki

when you see me

hello

have you ever seen me?

do you know how i look like?

well, let me tell you something about what you might discover when you see me.

the moment you set your eyes upon my face, you will see a rather nice looking (not hot nor elegant) girl, with a pleasant personality (you wouldn't hate me right away, it may take at least an exchange of two sentences for that to happen). just your average, standard female 20-something.

you may listen to me talk, in circles, or in repetition and about the absolute random things you can ever imagine existed under the sun. and you begin to wonder for how long more you have to nod and act interested at the absurd things i will tell you. and you will decide to spare me and give me ten more minutes to make sense.

and after that ten minutes, you will start to like me. you will begin to notice the endearing smile i have, the twinkle in my eyes when i start talking about something i like or the sudden loud laugh i let out that may be shocking to surprised passers-by.

and you become interested in me. your interest grow relatively to the time you spend with me, or in the moments we spend interacting. you will ask me questions about me, about my life, about my likes and peeves. and you let me ask you questions about you. and since i am naturally a curious and inquisitive person, i will ask you about many things, and you will slowly open up to me. 

you will begin to crawl out of the shadows of the past, your true self will crack itself out of the shell. the walls you build against the society will crumble, and ice will melt. you will finally let me in to your life.

you will then make every effort to ensure that you are in mine too, but most often than not, you will find yourself in disappointment. but there are rare moments when you find yourself allowed into this life that you find unexpectedly mysterious. and you will try to understand it. and you will conclude that it is like math - where there is a formula to it, but the answers may vary. 

and i must warn you, when you finally managed to understand more than you really should, you will find that i am a complex and frustrating person. you will begin to feel a certain level of regret, and the feel to turn back, but you can't. because you have fallen for me, and you want to finish this adventure you start for yourself. and also because of your ego to retain your first impression of me that i am simple.

the sparks are still there, but, it is now not sparks of attraction. it is the sparks of fire. there will be a need to exaggerate minor misdemeanor, to pinpoint every error, and each will wait for the other to make a mistake. 

and soon enough, i will make that mistake you have been waiting for. and you will begin your series of attacking, laying down every single mistake that i had done that you 'closed one eye' to before, executing  every strategies of breaking me and bringing me down that you've envisioned for so long.

and i will become defensive, i will build a wall, and i will throw bricks at you to protect myself. when you have no good comeback, you will use whatever you know about me. you will bring back everything from any parts of the timeline. you will use who i am, who i was, what i had done, what i am not, who i was with, what i had said, what secrets i told you, what things i should and shouldn't do, who and what you wish i am, what you hope i would become for you and everything else. even as little a thing as how you think how disheveled and messy my hair is.  

and somehow, somewhere in your mind, you will finally conclude that i am useless, and a hypocrite.

and here is the time when i assure you that yes, i am in fact a hypocrite. and i will give you examples after examples. like how i do not practice what i preach. i talk about saving the environment, but i leave empty cans under the seat and i only print on one side of the paper. i turn mad when people are racist, when in fact, i am ultra to my own race. i promote peace, cried when people from other parts of the world suffer from war, when my own country is fighting its own battle. i vowed to help the homeless and the needy, but i wasn't even there for my family when they needed me. i want to fight poverty in third-world countries, but my meals are always unfinished and leftovers are aplenty that goes in the bin.

i encourage friends and everyone to be in love, talking about how it's the best thing in the world, when in reality i know nothing about it, maybe have never really felt it, and secretly at times don't believe in the truth of it. all my knowledge of it is solely based on stories i've heard from other people, the movies i watched, the songs i heard, and my assumptions and visions of it. 

yes, i am a hypocrite but i am not a liar. i meant what i said, and i meant what i told you about what i felt.  i did not lie about my feelings, my emotions, my thoughts, my dreams of you. the smiles and tears for you were honest; it came from the most bottom part of my heart that i didn't even know existed. 

and so most often than not, things will become awkward. sometimes, things will just be left hanging. but all the time, all the freaking time, people will leave. and you might leave too. but if you stay, well, you will be an exception. you will be the only one who choose to do so. and i will be grateful my whole life. 

yes, as a conclusion, that is what you will get when you look at me - an honest hypocrite, who talks a lot but might not necessarily know what she's talking about, who you might fall in and out of love with.

and so, if you decide to leave in the end, i suggest you save both of our time; skip my face and lay your eyes on somebody else. you might have a different ending with her. 

but if you somehow feel that you are one to stay, look me in the eyes, put on a helmet, and buckle up your safety belt. you've booked yourself the ride of a lifetime with me.

or else goodbye,

till we meet again.

buto

i missed it last year. but this year, it's back. i thought of participating, it could be a good cathartic outlet for me, instead of just watching - given the size of shit im in currently, i can use some emotional expression. but either ways, you can bet i'll be there. if you're interested:

to watch, i suggest on the 8th. see ya.

question

if a person was born deaf, what language would he or she think in?

three words that became hard to say

"one foot in and one foot back,

but it don't pay, to live like that,

so i cut the ties and i jumped the tracks,

for never to return.."

"..what you were then, i am today.."

song: i and love and you

by: the avett brothers

love the video, and how they count the three words altogether at the end.
accurately vague lyrics, just how i like it.

some people are just not meant for love

 

tilik tangan

aku membelek tapak tangan ku
- banyak garis-garis halus,
yang menyimpan segala macam
rahsia

menanti untuk dibongkar
tatkala ia berlaku

tidak ku tahu
apa maknanya garis ini
- garis yang merentas
persegi tapak tanganku

nampak berkecamuk
bercabang
terputus-putus

seperti aku dan kamu

a quote that slaps

This quote smacks me in the face with truth this morning.

"Expecting life to treat you well because you're a good person

is like expecting an angry bull not to charge cause you're a vegetarian.."

How so true. I might just as well be bad, and expect life to treat me horribly, so that if it suddenly is nice to me, I would be caught in a huge surprise. ha ha.

i'll kiss you between the bars

"..The people you've been before

That you don't want around anymore

That push and shove and won't bend to your will

I'll keep them still.."

song: between the bars

by: elliot smith (r.i.p.)


p/s: alternatively, you might want to check out the song in better quality and with the lyrics HERE. a very good song. classic choice for one of those rainy days (or nights).

big me

"..but it's you, i fell into.."

band: foo fighters
song: big me

i am sucked backwards in a vacuum

so hey

it's been a really long time, and i miss you

 i want to talk to you and confide in you

i want to tell you how my days have been,

and i want you to tell me how to get through

i just want to have a conversation, 

and we don't even have to talk

so yeah