of first loves

In Alexander Pope’s “Eloisa to Abelard”, the poet took the voice of a woman in between feelings of love and religiosity. A certain phrase caught my eye:

“..The world forgetting, by the world forgot...”

The poet speaks to an idea of bliss and outlines of morality and identity. And in parallel to that, it is suggested by Walter Chaw that experience and memory feed not only our personality, but also, our emotions. We might try to forget our past, or unconsciously forgot them, but we will always remember vividly the emotions that we felt at that particular moment of the memory. That is why; dramatically tragic and enchanting memories are always the ones that we remember because the emotions we felt at that time were so strong and distinct that what we felt then, actually tied us to the memory of the time, place, smell, people, just about anything that happened to be there.

I will take the example of Adrian Mole. Pandora Braithwaite was an outstanding character in Adrian’s life during his adolescent years. Why? Mainly because she was the one who taught him the pleasures and guilt of love, or in other words, she was his first love. He might not have ended up with her, but trust me, he would look back to his life from time to time in the future and be reminded of that blissful first love he experienced. He may never forget the memory, for it was his first experience and the feelings he felt was different and shall I say, strong.

How does it relate to us? I can testify that first loves do leave a certain impact to us and are outright unforgettable. The memories that include our first loves are the epitome of contentment and sorrow for us then. We remember everything about it, not by choice, but we just do – like a habit.

I definitely do remember mine. It was in high school and we were in form two. I started developing small crushes towards him along the way, until I was in form four – when I finally realize that I really, really liked him. We were very close by the end of form five and well, the rest is history. The sad part is that I never confessed how I felt and he didn’t either, though I know we both knew we share the same feelings.

Yes, I laugh about it now. The memory of him and us do occur to my mind once in a while, and when it does, I couldn’t help but smile at the thought. It is like I can feel the emotions I felt at that time – bashful, bliss, grief – everything all over again.

The emotions and memory are still fresh and vivid that sometimes, I think I might even still be fond of him. Funny.

la fille danse

La fille danse
Quand elle joue avec moi
Et je pense que je l'aime des fois
Le silence, n'ose pas dis-donc
Quand on est ensemble
Mettre les mots
Sur la petite dodo

toilet tunes

we all love to sing in the bathroom. i do too, really do. our bathroom is small so if you close the door and sing in it, it'd feel as if you are in a recording studio, except that this is critic and public humiliation-proof.

given a great vocal ability (*ehem ehem do re mi~), i dont use my talent to show off singing every single song i know. but i have a selection of songs that i love to test in the loo.

here are some of them (not in order):

1) god called in sick today - afi
2) morningstar - afi
3) on the arrow - afi

...(yeah we're seeing a lot of afi here. good job guys)

3) the island - aselin debison
4) i will always love you - whitney houston (this is usually if i shampoo)
5) torn - natalie imbruglia
6) redemption song - bob marley

...(a bit drowsy yeah, coz it compliments my vocal potential)

7) risky business - the cab
8) greetings to the new brunette - billy bragg
9) random (usually anything i hear before stepping into the shower)


that's the compilation for the shower jukebox..for now. haha. i'd repeat the same list over and over again. tired? not at all. love it.

maybe i'll change the list from time to time.

i'm still broke

let us sit by the road. just look around. people walking their dogs, children playing catch, couples helding hands. trees swaying to the breeze. me and just me.

it's not so hard to feel happy. the pursuit makes it worth all the while.

[^_^]

i'm shit broke

im skinned. really skinned. i have only a few bucks to continue surviving now. seriously. i think i am suffering, especially in the f&b department. i spent almost RM 450 for food each month. geez. i really gotta cut down a bit. but since im already broke now, there's no point, aint it?

two weeks ago i broke my glasses, and havent been able to replace it. i have to wear the old one for now. and my head is always dizzy because of that. i need a new pair and therefore, i need moolah!

in addition to that, i only have RM 0.07 amount of credit, so i apologize to those people that i havent been able to reply their messages. i swear i would reply once i get the money to topup (according to the level of priority).



and speaking of money, if dreams do come true, why hasn't money fall from the sky?!

seriously, this is really the perfect timing for a miracle to happen. hopefully somebody really extremely supremely kind would stop me in my way one of these days and give me a sack of green notes. smell the cash!

conclusion to love

love is fine,
if it's not in your mind.

love is good,
if it's understood.

love is love,
it's what you're made of.

the beginning of a new beginning

is it the end of the beginning or the beginning of the end?

one is unsure.

surely, it should be the beginning of the end - for one have arrived at a new phase of one's life.

the brink of a new dawn.

how difficult is it to start anew?

very.

one must be willing to take a risk one is not willing to take.
one must be absolutely sure that one is absolutely right.
one must restrain oneself from restraining a change.

essentially,

one must really know oneself, inside and out.


and at the verge of a fresh start, one must not forget one's past. history may repeat itself and one might repeat the same mistakes, and that is alright. for one will have already master the craft.


how is one sure it is THE dawn?

one will be able to tell, after one had awaken from a long, dark night.


one may opinionate, that in fact,

the end could be a beginning to a new beginning.

TATTOO

i had a tattoo. the other day. syud drew it on my right arm. my fat arm. wahahaha.

here it is:




purple butterfly. i have no idea why it is a butterfly. i wanted a sun. but it came out looking like sperms trying to get into an ovum. scientifically gross.

CHENG HO

it is the name of a restaurant. it caters chinese muslim seafood cuisines. you might think it is as normal as any seafood restaurant, but try and dine here, and you will know for yourself.

i went.

with my family to have dinner. lo and behold, i saw the most stylo, most idolized being (during my schooling days, and still is i think) in Malaysia. Amy Search. turns out that my dad heard a rumour somewhere that Amy Search was opening a restaurant, and so he went (with us) to see it for himself.

the decor of the restaurant was cool, with a lot of black and white pictures of people from the chinese muslim community on the walls. most pasrt of the restaurant is white and red.
the food itself, i can say, it was marvelous. from the most reliable resource, i get to know that the chef was a former cook at the Four Seasons Hotels specializing in this type of cuisine. his forte?

tom yam.

it was the best! superb! fantastico!

we finished everything we ordered in a spilt second, till the last slurrrrrp!
the prices are surprisingly reasonable and they offer packages, so that it is easier for the customers especially those who are impossible to decide on what to eat - like me familia. *ehem*

Amy personally checked on us, made sure that everything's fine, that all we ordered for came, and asked if we needed anything. that is the one thing, so special about Cheng Ho, i assure you, is the hospitality. i mean, c'mon, where can you get a ROCKSTAR to actually serve you?

LOL. it was one of the best dinners i had in a very looong time. good food, good service, good host \[^_6]/

after dinner, we talked a bit with Amy outside his restaurant, (note: he even sent us out!) and he said that he is probably opening up another food joint, a cafe simply named: Amy's Place

but of course, it's still under progress. and later somewhere in the conversation, he jokingly made me promise to write a blog on his restaurant. so Amy, here it is. and oh, I LOVE YOU :)

the famous buttered lemon chicken

yours truly, AMY SEARCH, dad

my dad taking charge and ordering all HIS favourites



my sista vista studying the menu

the packages that they offered

here's to you!

i surfed the net, searching for some cool gamelan performances, and apart from getting a few scoops on it, i stumbled upon a cyberfight about gamelan.

some people from different races were fighting on whose culture the gamelan belongs to. like, duh! culture is supposed to be assimilated, not just stagnant. dudes, if you want to OWN a culture, then go and live in Pluto where nobody lives there and then you can have your own thing (coz it's not even a planet now).

a particular race, claimed that another particular race, which apparently is the Malays, are always taking other people's culture. hello, not trying to be defensive here, but dude, you're making invalid accusations. first, what proof do you have in terms of history, demographic and socioculture? you don't have any.

and then, what's up with the "let's team up with the Borneo people coz they felt the same way as we do, and the malays ignore them all the time.." Dude, do you even know what you're talking about?

im just so sick and tired reading all that comments. i dont even feel like i want to preach peace and tolerance now. all i have to say for now is that just be glad you even have a race and a culture, coz i suppose people like you dont even belong here in this world.

today's hororscope

Hey, why are you doubting your position in your social circle right now? You need to have a little bit more faith that you are still loved by your friends. Sure, you should watch how you deal with other people right now, but that's only because they have weird stuff going on in their lives -- not because there is anything wrong with you. A new beginning is coming quite soon -- something that will excite your friends and unite all of you in a common cause.

it concludes everything i've been feeling. haha.

mode: rolling on the freshly-cut green grass

brain congestion

f f f f f f f f f f f f f f !!!!

it takes an endless list of things to be done to get me to swear that much. haish. next week, beginning 7th of April.

07/04 - PTE test (update: i did it without studying. now the prospect looks very, very dim. i feel like a major failure now. wonder how tomorrow's going to be like)
08/04 - Microteaching (done it. went quite well)
Creative Project submission (submitted, though with struggle)
Creative Project presentation (did it. went well. very simple)
09/04 - Literature and Media test (Remains of the Day & Pygmalion) (yeah, did it. was one of the last to go. it was an open book test and still it was @%^$^!#@$. geeez)
10/04 - Japanese solo presentation (okay lah..not bad. but i confused myself with the 'imasu' and 'arimasu'. so...)
Adrian Mole assignment submission (the due date is delayed!!!)


not a day off! every single important thing is happening this week! crap. major crap.

the week continues..

11/04 - Nad's house-warming party (finally! i chance to let my hair down)
12/04 - Thoughts of Mahathir's exam


and the moment of truth, and a grand finale to the whole week...

13/04 - IELTS results
Woah! WILLOW production team gathering @ Windmill, Subang.


it sure will be a rocky ride through the whole week. wish me luck people!

whatever

the person who coined the word 'whatever' and popularized it is the coolest, most gonjeng person in the world. when you feel like you malas nak layan dah, you can just say "whatever!" provided with your hand gestures and blondish-bimboish facial expression and accent.

i love it. my state of mind right now, is Whatever, with a huge capital W.


here's a Whatever-toast to the person i dislike, the things i despise and anything else along that line.


huh, whot-evargh~!!!

the Dean's List Dinner 07/08

Last night was the DL Dinner. it was held at the glamorous INTEC Hall *haha* and was supposed to start at 7.45pm. but yeah as usual, it started a full 20mins later. the Dean came, along with most of the lecturers. i felt appreciated, thanks to their support just by showing up.

i came at 8pm (just cause i know it wont start at 7.45) with Anis and Jiji, and the first bullshit happened. my name wasn't on the list and so i wasn't 'numbered' and had to sit at the very back. and then came my friend whose was also not on the list, Marina. so we sat together through the whole thing.

then it was time to 'jamu' or dinner lah. so being the person at the very back, it was a piece of cake to be the first in line. but some uncourteous people cut the line so we became the 8-ish people to take food. we had to tolak-tolak and tarik-tarik a bit, but the whole getting-the-food experience wasn't as tough as i had prepared myself for. so a few minutes in the moshpit later, we freed ourselves from the crowd and started to search for place. to our dismay, everyone dah cop tempat. so we had to sit at the 'candlelight dinner tables' di sebelah orang buat persembahan. sheesh. don't even talk about being in the spotlight, it was dark and the candles are tiny (almost invisible).

Marina and myself having a romantic candlelight dinner *wink*

however, we had fun and felt really 'special', though i almost choked myself for i thought the tulang was the daging cause of the same colour. but i survived. not long after that, i accidentally burnt my pinky finger because the candle (though tiny, can be extremely hazardous because of the wax) was so close to my pinggan and my jari jemari are so runcing so terkena the fire.


after that, we went in and get on with the programme. theY called each name one by one and everybody get to go on stage. and since marina's and my name wasn't on the list at the registration, we had to go last after everybody else. what discrimination! how unfair! wahahaha.

oh btw, in between the name-calling, there was a dikir barat performance by the PART 4 TESL students and it was the bomb! i loved it was (frantically) clapping and singing along (though the lyrics were totally out like im singing in Urdu) and recording videos. they were superb. most of it maybe because they are my friends, and i got extra excited. lol. but Mr.Shah enjoyed it too. i saw him sitting at the edge of his seat while clapping and 'grooving' (yes, he grooved!) to the dikir barat. i think they won a competition yang peringkat UiTM or something like that. but they rock! especially the Tukang Karut, Pok We!! *clap clap* woo-hooooo!!!!

izza yang sempoi dan Pok We yang sedang 'naik sheikh'!!

yeah, then my name was called and by that time the hall was half empty, which is cool. hehe. and later, we took some pictures and borak-borak a bit and then go home. that night, i slept like i have never slept in a loooong time.

team Gamelan yang sangat fantastic. Afifah main macam main drum. hehe

man, i felt like Queen Elizabeth getting the royal treatment!











Fitri, pelajar comel lagi cemerlang gitu!







till then!

talk, by talking

it's unfair that you can like someone in the phone, exchanging text messages, feeling like that person is the perfect soulmate, or someone that you IM everyday and can talk about anything under the sun without feeling the slightest bit uncomfortable. or that person you like when you talk over the phone, hanging on to every single word that come from that husky voice.

but the moment you step out into reality, getting vis-a-vis with that person, everything turns out differently. as different as night and day. you no longer like that person you text every night when you get face to face. you no longer find their voices sexy when you talk without the phone. their wits aren't so spot on when you you communicate in real time.

is this the wrath of the technology we worship so much all this while? whatever it is, i still hold on to the fact that simple communication, where body language is involved and facial expressions are visible, is still the best way of exchanging bubble thoughts.

try talking and joking around without the company of sophisticated gadgets and techs (excluding webcam or anything like it) more than you do with those mediums (text, IM) and what you say may mean more to the person you are talking to.

tatie's treat!

we had dinner just now, and tatie made my day when she paid for dinner! haha. we all ate satay, at Restoran Selera Kampung, section 9. twas lo-fi but cool nonetheless. it has been quite a loooooong time since anybody belanja me. it was a very heart-wrenching, tear-jerking moment. hope my rezeki murah and somebody else will belanja me pulak in future. im broke!

which one?

i want a lomo camera and have been saving up to buy it, however, i just found a scoop on this cool camera, called the fisher price kid tough camera. it's slightly cheaper and it's digital, so we save from the developing costs. it comes in both purple or pink. but i still want the holga. or color splash. now i dont know which one to get..damn. granted that i am an indesicive person, so making a call would be really tough. now i gotta look further into this major predicament. grahahaha~

jangan marah-marah

nowadays, memang banyak sangat benda yang boleh buat kita tick-off. semua benda buat kita rasa nak marah. kadang-kadang benda yang sangat kecil. tapi bila fikir balik, buat apa nak marah, bukannya boleh betulkan keadaan tu pun.

apa yang kita boleh buat is either laugh it off, or deal with it, tapi bukan dengan cara marah-marah la. relax. cool, cool. tarik nafas dalam-dalam, lepas tu selesaikan.

yes, aku pun kadang-kadang edgy and rasa cam nak jerit jugak, tapi kita try la sama-sama. perasaan annoyed and iritated tu memang selalu ada, especially bila berada berdekatan dengan orang yang macam tu (annoying dan irritating). jadi, kita sama-sama ingatkan diri kita untuk selalu bersabar. kalau marah-marah dah tak macho la kan. kita kena relax, supaya dunia ni lebih aman. kan best kalo semua orang tak jerit-jerit, tengking sana sini.

till then, always give the people around you a smile!

an ode by a friend

I have no name.
No truth i cradle.
No jokes to humor you.
No physique to satisfy.
No breadth to breathe into.

No eyes to appreciate.
No passion to lust for.
No love worth dying for.

All I have,
is heart.
to cry out.
to die.
to hate.




p/s: this is a piece by my very dear friend, mr.hafriz. he has a very beautiful soul, handsome face and sensitive heart. i am glad to have him as a friend :)

down with the flu

devilish! this disease never leave me. it is constantly following me around like Misery would. scientifically called the influenza, but i prefer to call it mucus-flowing-nose-wiping-moments. geez, i had to drag my white napkin around like a baby with her blanky/blanket with some eternal yellow spots stained on it. well, i ain't stain nothing on mine, but if you look closely, u might find something. haha. my eyes are swollen, and i can't pronounce any words with the phonetical sounds: /m/, /n/, and /ng/. all the nasal sounds. and i speak like a retard without a nose. but hey, nobody's complaining. heck, the flu's around since forever, and it sure look like it's stayin for quite some time.

the crappiest part is, i got my microteaching tomorrow, and hell, it's the most important thing in my career as a teacher so far. and i dont think i have all the energy to be super teacher tomorrow. maybe i should call in sick. yeah, i'll do just that. not that im finding reasons or anything. but the flu is turning to be a blessing in disguise, coz you know what? i haven't done my lesson plan yet. hehe.

my handkerchief's sangat basah kuyup right now. so i gotta go change it before some virus become epidemic. till then.