who doesn't have them?

ah, the things you think you know.
sometimes it just isn't what it might seemed to be.
everything is an illusion, but everything is illuminated.
life is hard. so we have to try harder.
and we fall, yes we do, all the time.
and then we climb back up, or sometimes we just crawl.
but we move forward.

a friend said, this is your chance. if you dont grab it,
you'll regret.
but regret is what i have plenty of.
not because i never take the chance to do things.
but simply because i never learn from them.
or i just dont feel the need to try.

my most used mantra: ahh well, maybe someday.
i used that a lot for missed opportunities.
but some never came twice.
and they will add to my notorious collection of regrets.

i always wear heavy boots.
i bring these regrets everywhere in my boots.
to remind me every time.
to remind me not to repeat the things i should not.
but i keep forgetting.
and i keep wearing heavy boots.
and they keep getting heavier.

soon i will have to add another one
-this one. and i have
heavy boots filled with regrets.
eyes filled with shame.


but then, who doesn't have them?

Grassroots Will

It is not always that something makes you cry..or almost want to cry. this video is one of it, welling up my tear tank. and most importantly, it makes me feel ungrateful and guilty for taking things for granted.

Grassroots Will

it is a teaser of a documentary shot in Cambodia in February 2005 by a crew of Brazillian filmmakers. the film was released in 2006. i watched it three times, and still couldn't answer the everlasting question of inequity in this world.

they want to change for the betterment of Cambodia, they want to change so badly, but they dont have the means or power. it is true, that education is one of the most fundamental elements of a nation. and these people have nothing left at their disposal. all the wise men and the role models were killed and all they have is themselves and what they know..which is not enough. they need us, people who have the ability, to help them, guide them, give them support and love. and essentially, breathe into them the belief that they can do it, and that they are as good as anyone in this world. i have never felt like crying for quite a long time, until this.


*there are random quotations from the video

Me: 1987-Now

Dates captivate me, in a sense that it can be very, very mysterious as it can be transparent. They hold history, in which may mean different things to different people. They invite narratives, when people ask “what happens on that date?”, and they bring you through mental time machines when you try to remember certain incidents on certain dates.

They can be recorded in many forms.

December 6
31/08/57
1987-2008
Tuesday

They can be vague, they can be specific. Eitherways, they will all be meaningful.

December 6 is my birthday.
31/08/57 is the national Independence Day.
1987-2008 is the life time of my friend, Nurrizan Harun.
Tuesday is the day my brother started SPM.

But those dates may retrieve different memories from your archive. Tuesday may be the day you got your first paycheck, and December 6 may be the day you moved house. But they hold incidents, memories, histories, nonetheless. Yours and mine. They hold our roots; where we come from, how we get where we are and what’s to become of us.

A date will never repeat itself. Once it happened, it will be closed and remembered. That’s the most we can do. We hold dear to the dates we deem important to our lives. Maybe, the accumulation of dates we remember can tell something about us. If we were to ask every single person in this world to list down the dates they remember or had written in their diaries and notebooks, there is a fat chance that every one would have different sets of dates. These collections, I take, can tell a lot about our identities.

Today: 13th November 2008, can mean a lot of things to a lot of people. Some may keep it in their minds, some may forget about it. Different things would have happened on this date. There will never be another November 13th of 2008 again.

A date is more than just a date. It is your past, your present, your future.

It is who you are.

First Australians

My Mother Reread Me Tenderly
With Me She Took Much Paines
And When I Arrived In This Coelney
I Sowd The Forst Grain and Now
With Me Hevenly Father I Hope
For Ever to Remain.


I just thought this is smart. Spelt exactly as it would be pronounced. The first Australians were ignored and unappreciated in previous years, but now all of that seemed so distant. the gov goes for equity in everything they do now. these people deserve it.

Whisper
in my ear
here
Louder
Can't hear
Come closer
Closer,
dear.

kepanasan melampau membangkit semangat membara api marak menyala

oohhh, gila bapak la panas kan harini. cecah 32darjah gak la. tepek sunblock setengah botol pun bakar juga rasanya. keluar je rumah teringat malaysia. hehe. rindu. tapi sini berangin lebih sikit la. stok rambut terbang-terbang.

terus pergi uni. kuota internet banyak lagi, baik guna. rumah punya memang lambat tahap dewa. anyways, lately makan banyak makanan kurang berkhasiat. but who cares betul tak. nanti la bila dah tua sikit baru jaga kesihatan. sekarang enjoy semua.

by the way, kepada semua orang. join la Youth'09 nanti 9-11 January 2009. macam banyak aktiviti la. pegi google event tu.

oh and betul ke next semester belaja shakespeare for literature? sheeeeeet. i can hardly wait. as for now, i have two major assignments. language and identity nak buat pasal apa? most probably about membership or language as narratives. ah fergeddit. bowhsan.

nak aiskrim la. nak aiskrim. aiskrim. nak yg ada kacang ngan mcm chocotop sket toppings dia. pergh. layan seh.

ok jap lagi gegas gi kedai.

immana chow now. bye peeps.

ah, this thing!

1. Complete this sentence. Life is...

(pauses for a while)

Well to me, life is anything and everything that happens in between the moment you wake up, and the moment you sleep. Whatever happens in between, that is Life.

2. How many pets do you have?

Six and they are all dead.

3. Are you listening to anything now? What is it?

Music. Hetty Koes Endang's Tinggal Mimpi.

4. What was the last movie you watch?

The Door in the Floor.

5. Have you ever regret anything in your life?

Yes. Many things. One of it is to have regrets at all.

6. Who do you want to be today?

Just myself.

7. Who are you tomorrow?

I don't know, probably some nobody walking down to uni.

8. What's good about you?

I take things as they are.

9. What's bad about you?

Ask people who hate me. There should be a whole list.

10. If you die tomorrow, what is the one thing you would say to a person you love before you go?

See you there.



I would like to tag everyone who's reading this, especially those who follow my blog.

Have a great day, everyone :)

morning of adieu

this morning, we were thrown a little farewell gathering by the exchange office of unisa. the morning tea was held at the civic gallery, city west campus and i must say it was our first time being at the hawke building. the place was surprisingly cool, with state of the art facilities and decor. cool stuff.

met a few of the staff, Dr Anna couldnt make it as she is now in Thailand. Rob the director, instead, came to greet us. they are some cheerful and friendly bunch, and not forgetting other fellow exchange students from around asia. Mak got a little chummy with an indian friend (haha, sorry mak!), chatting away about some bollywood stuff. we talked with Rob and he told us that his son married a swedish girl which he met through an exchange program. you see, that is one successful exchange! haha. certainly one of the bonus points, an interesting perk if you go under programs like this (apart from other perks, of course).

we took pictures, and chatted and ate, and then we shook hands, wished each other good luck with future undertakings and we bid farewell. as Rob put it in his speech, six months is certainly enough time to feel 'placed' in a place, enough time to associate yourself with things surrounding, and enough time to always miss home. i think he's right. for had this program been offered for a year, i would apply for PR and not come back at all. HAHA!

all of the things we want each other to be,

we never will be..we never will be.

the sky is silvery

no fluffy clouds

it might rain

storms rumbling loud.

this is the best kind of weather. just the way i like it. the moments before the rain pours. the view of the hills with shades of grey and green, is magnificent. how can i ever leave this place?

'tis the season to be jolly (and boros).

well, well. it's already the 6th of November. almost the end of the year. my most favourite months - november and december. just plainly because many festivals are during this time of the year, and holidays are longest. and everybody, well almost everyone, gets to let their hair down and relax after a whole year of busting asses and working mega hard. it's the time of the year for celebrations - particularly for me..and my brother. we often get extra "keraian" cause our birthdays usually get celebrated together, along with the family vacations (cause it's school holidays), but no presents should be expected. talk about 3in1. semua benda nak roll into one. nak jimat la katakan.

"ha, sape punya birthday lagi bulan sebelas dengan bulan doblas?"
"hah gabung sekali dengan doa selamat Atok"
"Zizah (my mother), kita pegi vacay nak? celebrate sekali birthday budak2 ni. Pegi jungle trekking la. pastu picnic."
"eh, i nak buat putung jambul baby i la. ok la, u bawa je la kek kat my house."
"no no no (hand gesture). apa kata, YOU bawak baby you kat muar so kita potong jambul, pastu kenduri doa selamat sekali, and celebrate their birthday terus. esok kita convoy la pegi FRIM."

sounds like a perfect plan. every single year. haih, nak kata rimas best jugak cause the more the merrier. but during my schooling days, i never get the chance to celebrate with my school friends. we are all scattered around the whole of malaysia (boarding school), and my birthday always falls on school holidays, where everyone will go back to their hometown. except for 2004. they did an advanced surprise birthday bash for me at school during the SPM.

and for some, it is the Christmas and End of the Year SALE that they've been waiting for! gee, i wish i hadn't spend so much on food. and then all of the frenzy will be closed with the New Year's celebration, to say adieu to the year we have had and to greet the new upcoming year. very poetic moments there usually.

but regardless, i enjoy this time of the year. i dont want the end to end!! (haha. ironic)

i need an energy drink lah. rasa macam puasa pula. baik puasa. i had a huge breakfast - toasts with scramble and cheese, peanut butter and chocolate spread waffle, an orange and air teh. haaaah, that's what i call perfect, hearty breakfast. kadang-kadang i add maggi goreng on the menu. hasta la vista baby! (gila arnie the terminator). perut ku pun semakin membuncit. in conjunction with xmas la kan. can you say Santa's belly? hello? lol.

Good job man. now make us proud

"While we breathe, we hope."

President Barack Obama, 2008

[first presidential speech]

Congratulations, Obama. Tomorrow is a new beginning, for you and the people. Hopefully you will execute and perform during your term as president and do something right. Don't let the hopes the people had trust you with die. Whatever you do from this point on, will matter.

p/s: i wish i can congratulate you in person. he he he

i like my toast buttered

i am tired. not physically, though. my soul is bruised; felt like i just got beaten up really badly. anyway, let's just hope tomorrow brings something better.

something-better. it somehow sounds smaller and less impossible as a noun.

give me a somethingbetter. haha. i like that.

the you in you

"What's underneath all the clothes, Brooke Davis?"

-One Tree Hill-

why is it utterly important for us to feel belonged? not necessarily belong, however. whichever ways, the sense of being in a group or society makes us feel less of a stigma. surely, but to what extend are we willing to go just to end up following and being in a group? i gathered that it is probably the security of being with unsecured others that makes one crave of it.

of course, our memberships beckon who we are, or rather, who we want to be and be seen as. for instance, some pushed their way to break the rich and famous society and be one of them, or some others may starve themselves to death just to be one of the gazilion beautiful people in the world. however, this may deviate the perceptions of others to one's true self, even him.

often times we tried so hard to be someone else that we are not and tried our hardest to believe that we can be and we are who we want to be and we think we can fool the rest of the world. we might, for a given time. but alas we forget; there will always be someone who knows us to the very core - ourselves. anybody can be fooled but not you.

so take a second and stand in front of your bathroom mirror, and take a good look of yourself. who is that person staring at you? is he who he thinks he is? does the group he belongs to provide him the comfort and the security he craves for? is he ever ashamed of who he is? will he be who he is without everything but him?

this moment, you can never feel more alone and vulnerable. self-confrontations will strip you off everything and make you see what lies underneath all that. Dolly Parton said, "find out who you are, and do it on purpose." for once, i thought she was smart.

tepukan buat encik dolphin kita!

entah la. secara tiba-tiba hatiku berputik melihat kelibat Josh Hartnett. Filem ni memang telah berjaya membuatkan aku tertarik bukan sahaja pada watak yang dibawa oleh beliau, tapi juga pada diri beliau yang sebenar kerana sanggup berkorban banyak demi filem dan watak tersebut. Sebelum ni memang ada sedikit rasa tertarik semasa menonton filem lucky number slevin dulu. tapi sekarang perasaan ku lebih kukuh. Lantas:

i lap yuh josh!

weather: 13 - 28 degrees. mostly sunny

today has been less than productive. i hang around in front of the lappie (watched GG back to back, since apparently everyone has watched it except me) and took a short walk to the park just now. that was quite a breather. i know this is whiny and cliche, but assignments are abundance and im nowhere close to getting it done.



two presentations up for next week. one about that guy, Ron Brooks and his renowned illustrations in picture books. another about language.



i could so use some entertainment right now, not in the mood for entertaining though. i just wish i could do one thing for now: kidnap Suri. pretty please? Cuteness personified.







come, come to Momma!

just another person at the bar

You're such a deep, deep man. Am i too selfish to ask for you back?

he loves santana

certain songs made you remember certain moments or vice versa. i just finished reading Where in the World, about a boy who has special musical talents and how his memory is dependant on music. he composed songs based on his feelings towards certain incidents. and different places reminded him of certain music.

im now reminded of the year after my schooling days. the year 2005. i just listened to Work by jimmy eat world and my mind instantly went back to those days. just absolute ordinariness. absolute mediocrity. absolutely nothing.

sigh. i like those innocent days.





p/s: missing my dad's corny jokes. (now listening to santana)

i gave two shillings to the two guys busking techno dance music

goodness. these past two nights, i've been watching movies like hell. as if a compensation for the past few months that i've missed out. good ol' chick flicks. hmm. last two nights, the moon was ridiculously huge. it was full and super bright and very low, as if it was falling on the horizons slowly. the clock on my mobile showed 7.35pm and the sky was purple and pink. so you could imagine how it looked like. and heck, it was because of the romantique ambience the moon has set out that made me and Eani walked the mile to Civic Vid to rent some dvds. on the way back, we saw a few people standing outside their houses, gazing at the moon. yeap, it was a hit with couples that night i bet.

so that was it about the moon. on the way back, we found a beautiful blue and white bicycle laying in front of somebody's house. it has no gear, no brakes and flat tyres, but it was such a beautiful bike that we took it home with us and i rode it for a while. it took all my might as the tyres were both flat. by the time we got home, my knees were wobbly like jelly on heat and i slept half way through Made of Honour. the only thing i like about the movie was the background songs when the were in Scotland. the songs made me fight my sticky eyelids, but then i surrendered and was in slumber in no time.

i am now in for a mini break as the toughest assignment in human history was done and submitted on tuesday. me and safa can now officially sigh a huge sigh of relief and relax for a bit. it was literature and it was the most torturous assignment EVER! after some surprisingly extreme remarks during the course of three days (saturday, sunday, monday) that were exchanged amongst us (i.e. "weh aku rasa cam nak bunuh diri skang ni. tu je cara yg kita ada", "ko tak rasa ke Gypsy tu gila.dia suka torture student kot", "ok cuba ko pikir, apa motif assignment ni? ni mass killing ar. cuma dia wat subtly xnak autho tau"), it is now safe to say that although assignments in for next week and the weeks after that, but once that particular monstrousity had been done, we are Free People now!

*doing hoola dance*

tatie the tagger

tatie tag aku lagi sekali, dia ni memang rajin bab2 begini. haha. ok tatie, ni aku buat.

My Top 10 Fave Food
1. roti planta
2. nasi goreng kampung (ada kangkung)
3. kombinasi nasi putih, telur goreng berminyak gila, kuah asam pedas
4. meltz kfc
5. dry salad (resipi izrul)
6. anything mexican, esp. burritos
7. lauk kampung
8. desserts! --> soufle, eclairs, everything chocolate and ice-cream
9. old school hot dog with lots of mustard
10. pasta or pizza with meted cheese flooding across the top

10 things i love doing
1. hanging out and just talk
2. collecting worthy stuff
3. sing in the shower (or just about anywhere)
4. travel
5. sit quietly and look around
6. annoy people
7. talking bimbo
8. getting to know people
9. being surprised
10. finding unique qualities

5 types of girls that i adore
1. respectful towards members of the same sex
2. girls who rock
3. girls just being girls
4. girls with disabilities but make it through (okaaay, im outta ideas here)
5. obviously, girls who are my friends

5 things i love doing when im feeling down
1. eat
2. read
3. write
4. talk
5. music

5 things i love doing when im happy
1. sing
2. talk
3. joke
4. laugh and smile and laugh and smile
5. make others happy too

10 ways to win my heart
1. dont have to be consciously wanting to win my heart (im not a piece of meat. hahahaha)
2. take me as who i already am
3. respect me and others in my life
4. treat me as you want to be treated
5. honest. no hidden motives
6. i guess thats all?

top 5 fave junk food
1. super ring
2. keropok durian
3. smith's thin cut: sour cream and onion flavour
4. doritos
5. nachos

5 things i wish could happen soon
1. the end of massacres. and bloodbaths
2. done assignments
3. summer time!
4. finding out how my child looks like (erk?)
5. tahap moksha

10 ridiculous things i wish to do before i die
1. get married (it can be ridiculous. hehe)
2. go hunting
3. learn to body surf (its ridiculously tough!)
4. join war (see whats the fuss is all about)
5. run for election and join parliament
6. have a chat with pak lah without him falling asleep
7. meet borat
8. join a riot or picket that uses fire
9. learn to dance
10. eat all i want without having to worry

top 10 recently most addicted songs
1. give a little love
2. shake it
3. just dance
4. angeles
5. twilight
6. between the bars
7. blitzkrieg bop
8. vampire
9. anything reggae
10. folk and country

10 things i want to tag
1. bert
2. azzam
3. liyana
4. hafriz
5. wawa
6. dierdre
7. zaza
8. zen
9. anyone reading this
10. yes, you!