i was weak

at that moment, i can only do nothing. as she held the scissors and comb closer to my hair, i shut my eyelids close. all my heart i prayed that i made the right decision - to let a stranger cut my hair.

gradually, little by little, she snipped off my tresses. i cried in my heart..cried for help and mercy from my friends next to me (they're also getting haircuts - happily).

and by the end of a long 30mins (that was the longest 30mins in my life)

blissful breakfast

the perfect breakfast for me would be a simple butter on toast (and sometimes with chocolate rice spread), hot choc, and enjoying all of this at the bench on my backyard - facing the LRT railway over a three-lane highway and some mansions on the hills. of course, it'd be even more blissful without the shreakings and yellings of my siblings. quiet and serene, only the chirpings of birds and the squirrels. if it rained the night before, then it's the loveliest! the air would be dewy and tingy cool. oh love it, love it, love it!

unbelievably touching

i went to a majlis graduasi for std 6 at my sister's skool, SBU. never did i expect for some intriguing and "surprising" moments to happen. basically, three things happen:

1. i met my old school teachers!! (they all looked pretty much the same)

2. i met some of my long-lost friends. (well,two..to be exact)

3. i met with a car accident. (so not me.saya pemandu berhemah)

okay, lowdown cleared. here's the scoop.

i sent my sisters (ilin +lia) to the skool at around 6pm. ilin was the one graduating, and lia is the type of person who just have to be there. i mean, dia macam rasa dia teachers' pet lah. so, she was appointed to record the whole event. somethin like a documentary (her self-project) where it's full of weirdly moving objects and we all looked like we were in Japan and earthquake striked -- basically caused by her shaking hands.i asked her to use a tripod.

anyways, yeah i sent them, and i went meronggeng jap 'til it's 7pm approx. and, nothing was wrong -- i parked safely outside the skool, at a legal parking space, i turned off the engine and went out of the car. there was a car in front, and no cars behind. i adjusted the buckles of my shoe and looked at the great job i did parking the car so nicely. but wait a minute, fairytales' a bullshit. being the kind-of-a-perfectionist-lah, i can't help but noticed that the car macam senget sket. and i forgot to turned the wheels so that it's straight (sumthin like dat). so i got back in the car, turned on the engine, turned on the air-cond (i had to), stretched my backs, and start to reverse the car. i reversed, and keep on reversing until suddenly.."Bhammm!!!". i pulled the hand break. shit. disastro megagalattico. somebody was honking like he just found the function of it, and it was mad. a couple of school kids started crying and ran into the skool compound. a young, kinda-cute guy came out of the car. there's another guy sitting at the passenger seat. he asked what was i thinking and whether or not i know how to drive. he looked at me as if i killed his brother. poyo lbey. putting my ego aside, i apologised to him, and secretly thought to myself that he can't help checking me out. nak sedapkan hati.

but then, couraged swooned all over me. i said to him. wait, how come i didn't see you coming from the back? i should see la kan? so long story cut short, both of us were to be blamed. i did the stupidest thing, to actually forgot looking at the rearview mirror.whoops. and he, was, shall i say, the epitome of the whole heart-wrenching incident -- he forgot to switch on the headlights.whoops again.

nobody was injured, except that i was probably emotionally affected by the traumatic experience. my car was okay, just a teeny-weeny bit of scratch, which nobody would notice. the dude's car was okay too, but he exaggerated 90% of the story to his "police uncle" to make it sound bad. there's a dent half the size of my foot (im size 8) in the front of his car. so it's discussed and agreed upon, that we'll pay 50/50. coz, i pun salah juga. so tak nak laa nanti karma ke apa. better do it the good way. no evil-evil.

i think my just-graduated (mcm just-married) sister needs to use the lappie.i need to get my ass off here.i'll continue with the touching story of the IZZA AND HER TEACHERS (AND TWO FRIENDS) - REUNITED on the next blog. ciao.

there's ups and downs in life.ive been down, and down so low, it's kind of a slow ride to get back up. but well, time is something that i have plenty of. for those who have commented on my blogs, thank you, and don't believe whatever you read.it's just my emotions talking.haha.whatever.

anyways, some of the most nerve-wrecking problems in my life have been solved. i decided to give that person another chance.

trust is something that he has to build within me again. and i didn't say it's going to be easy. but i'm up to give it a worthy try.

i do realize that people never run out of mistakes.and that is why a second chance is essential to make something work. even if someone misuse the second chance he was granted, there's always a second-second chance and a third-second chance..right?

thank you

terima kasih kepada semua pihak yg telah membantu saya ketika saya dlm kesusahan dan kepayahan..terutama sekali my support system : rakan-rakan taulan, jiran-jiran tetangga, dan sbgnya.

kepada keluarga, terima kasih kerana mengajar saya sesuatu yg baru dan mungkin pengalaman ini akan berguna kpd saya di masa hdpn.

terus, buat semua yg tlh membantu secara langsung mahupun tidak, terima kasih banyk2.semua yg tlh menyokong dr segi emosi,kewangan,dan sokongn moral.
terima kasih kalian semua!

the people that will help you when you are in need, is weirdly enough, the people you least expected.

just when you think

just when you think you can rely on someone, something will prove to you that the person isn't. and your heart will sore like never before, as you see the trust you have for them crumbles to the floor. when the only person i believe in this world, the one i really looked up to, break the trust i have in him, all i could do was cry.

i cried and cried like a baby to the four walls around me. and the only thing that can hear me was the spider on its web at the corners of the bookshelf.

i hate that feeling. the feeling of being cheated.

the chronicles of DrM, the PM, the Cabinet and Malaysia

hot on the news and making the cover page is none other our ex-pm Tun Dr Mahathir. it didnt appear to me as a shock, coz i know he's the type dat would actually do something like that. i was at the promuda conference recently where Tun was invited to give the keynote. the way he spoke on the mic was slow and steady - as if trying his best not to say the wrong things. but on the whole, the speech was very inspiring to us young souls and he generally briefed us on the real issues that is going on 'behind the scene'. after pointing out some of the issues and predicaments, he gave out his most honest opinions and inserted some solutions. while all of this was happening, i made a note in my head that he was so darn brilliant. he's a pure genius! there're lots of signs that showed he was a forward constructive thinker and i remembered him saying that whatever he's doing right now, is always for the far future.
tun also did say that he's already retired, so he shoud juz go home and sleep. don't have to worry anymore bout the country. sit home and shut up. just take a nap and play with grandchildren. but then, he added that that's exactly what he was planning to do when things starter to get on his nerves. he said he can't just sit home and shut up while singapore go on and bully us with nobody doing anything. he cant let the cabinet approve of transparency in media whatsoever. sooner or later, malaysians would want to know what exactly happened and that's why he questioned bout tengku mahaleel's renewal of contract and the sale of agusta. i nodded my head and agreed to every single statement he made in the newspaper, mags etc. but one thing that i truely and totally disagree is when he said that abdullah badawi is his second choice, not his first. how can he have said something awful like that? i mean, that dude went through loads of bumpety-bumps, plus he's only been there for 2 years (unlike tun, for 22 years) so let's juz give him a break and some moral support.
however, knowing tun, he seldom does anything without a reason. when i thought about it, i came to the conclusion that he must have an agenda. he cant have done all this out of the blue and was so darn brave to go out and make public statements that he know will stir the whole region. he must have a back-up plan. c'mon, he's been there for 22years. he knew us well. he knew how the system works. he practically knew the consequences like the back of his hands. he's notorious amongst the westerners and well-respected among muslim countries. whether it's good or bad, people look at him. so he cant have made a stupid mistake by saying controversial statements in public. he must know something that we don't. meantime, i'll keep on pondering what might be his major plan for taking all this steps.
he provoked openly some questions to the cabinet, enquiring someone to explain the whole truth on the four issues that he had pointed out. but unfortunately, our members of the cabinet were a bunch of scaredy-cats that they retreated, saying that tun has no rights in asking or speaking out now that he's no longer on board, and they ended up giving no explanation.nothing.nada.zilch. if you go to any forums (be it online or not) discussing on this topic, you would find that they are all mad as to why they (the cabinet) dont provide relevant explanations. it seemed like they, especially the pm, is in the wrong for doing what they did. but come to think of it, if you were in their (the cabinets) shoes, would you say anything? i dont think i would. first, because you're in the cabinet and the head is pak lah. so you listen to pak lah, not tun. second is probably that you dont want to lose your job by giving in and explain. so in short, the cabinet members are pretty much sandwiched between pak lah and his predecessor, tun.
talking bout chronism, most of those on board are paklah's die-hard-fans. i know i cant really say this, but it's as obvious as a black dot on a white piece of paper. and it takes a 5-year-old to notice. tun's people, like, musa hitam, allahyarham ghafar baba and some few others are the only ones in the cabinet. so they cant really argue against the majority.
it's true when tun said "why are they making such a chaos? i just asked some question for them to answer. that's all!". and yet, they keep on beating around the bush. when someone asked tun where he thinks we are heading as a nation, he answered non-chalantly and in coy "i'd like to say we're heading in the right direction, just to give some optimistic boost to everyone, but i'll have to say the truth. and the truth is we're heading nowhere. frankly, we're heading the wrong direction". it was 'ouch' but they say truth hurts, so it's reality i guess. now, when he said that, i was frantic at thinking our nation's condition and status. and then i realized how stupid we were for doing what we did, especially in the case of singapore. ugh.i just peeved them (oops). it'll take me another blog to write on this issue.
share your comments and opinions on this matter. i really really love to discuss about it.

back in control

yeah, two down, more to go. im starting to see sunshine little by little. the feeling's great and i might as well enjoy it while i can. this is very very impressive. im proud of myself. wahahaha. i have to say, im a promising tactics and strategy planner. (shit, boastful statement). now gotta focus on my next victim; the very much threatening woman (short term) - my dentist. how the hell am i going to face her, i have know idea. it's time for my alter ego (the wise one) to take charge and come up with a brill tactic to 'tumpaskan musuh tersebut'. she has no right whatsoever to say what i should do with my teeth. motto for this quest : my teeth,my money,my call.

equation on (pathetic) real life issues

equation on (pathetic) real life issues
hypothesis : (A + B = 1) (C + D = 1)
A <---> B C <---> D
A <---> D C x---> B
B ---> C
conclusion : A = 2, B = 1, C = 2, D = 2. B = foul.

there's gotta be something in everything

there's an end to everything that starts,
there's a solution to every problem,
there's a silver lining to every cloud,
there's a remedy to every wound,
there's a cure to every disease,
there's love in every heart,
there's a child in everyone,
there's a key to every door,
there's a road to every destination,
there's hope in every failure,
there's hardwork to every success,
there's sacrifice in every happiness,
there's a past beneath the present.
there's always something to something.
there can't be nothing to anything.
there's got to be something in everything.

there's gotta be something in everything

there's an end to everything that starts,
there's a solution to every problem,
there's a silver lining to every cloud,
there's a remedy to every wound,
there's a cure to every disease,
there's love in every heart,
there's a child in everyone,
there's a key to every door,
there's a road to every destination,
there's hope in every failure,
there's hardwork to every success,
there's sacrifice in every happiness,
there's a past beneath the present.
there's always something to something.
there can't be nothing to anything.
there's got to be something in everything.

nothing but a failure

sometimes, you just feel like disappearing. wish there is a hole somewhere which you can jump in and stay down there forever. or a magic closet that you can walk in to and transmit to another world where nobody would recognize you. it isn't about feeling embarrassed or anything of that sort. it's about feeling like a failure. like when you look at yourself straight in the eyes across the mirror, you see no hope, no vision, no optimism. you only see nothing. you wish you could smear and blotch the image in the mirror with a red lipstick. or even batter and punch so it would break down to tiny little pieces. then you walk on the sharp bits of the mirror on the floor until your feet bleed horribly. and you watch the dark blood stain on the tiles fade away into the pipe fissure as water runs. you might feel a twinge of satisfaction, but you realize that nothing would change. you'll get nothing except for rotten feet. the rest of the world is still the same. you walk out the doorstep of your house and a neighbour smiled, but you look away in return. your mom cooked you your favourite prawn fritters dish, but you can't as much as taste the plain water. a friend invited you to a party but you don't even feel like leaving your hard-pillowed bed. you have the notion that everything's in their customary routine but you don't seem like you're in the entire motion. you're just lost. lost in your own feelings of disappointment and letdown. every night when you lie in bed, you feel like a malfunctioned unit. a person without a purpose. an individual that is useless, worthless and futile. but just before you shut your eyes, you cry a prayer. you pray for all the strength in the world, and so that God would show you the way. give you hope to start anew tomorrow. and put a force to every single muscle in your body to not just walk, but to step forward and move ahead. and most importantly, you pray for the verve and dynamism to mend your faults. patch-up all your blunders and fix the errors you've made. then you go to sleep serenely, hoping to wake up to a brand-new life.

the couch in 2/312

I was sitting on the couch in my room when i suddenly realized how much i will miss it. According to my rough calculations, i spent approximately 9-12 hours (on average) on the couch everyday. i practically 'lived' on it. When i come back home after classes, i would drop all my things on the table and jump on the couch. It is the most comfortable sofa ever. it almost feels like the couch is customized for me. Whatever position im in (on the sofa), i'd feel comfortable. I can even sleep on it – which I always do (accidentally). after 8 hours of sleep on the couch, my neck and back would rarely, almost never, strain or get cramped. i mean, seriously, i never thought a 400bucks sofa could feel so comfortable. when i go to my friends' room, i'd go sit on the couch (the sofas in cemara are all of the same type).
I was sitting on the couch in my room when i realized that the couch is in most of my memories. When I recall incidents from the past, during my stay in cemara, I could almost see the couch somewhere in it. It’s like you see a filmstrip and in every fragment has a glimpse of the couch. Man, I am so cemara-couch-obsessed. But seriously, it’s really great that I could use the ‘couch’ to symbolize me and everything that’s ever happen to me in cemara. I studied, ate, sang, gossiped, shrunk, reminisced, slept, and do thousands other activities on it. I could probably simplify the whole thing in an equation.
(Me + cemara couch) x 9hrs/day = entire experience of stay in cemara
I was sitting on the couch in my room when suddenly I heard my name being called by one of my roommates. She was asking me if I have any empty, unused boxes. I answered no and asked her what for. She replied that she needed a couple of boxes to pack her things up to bring them back home. It hit me that people had started to pack already. That moment I comprehended that it’s almost the end of the semester, the end of pre-degree, the end of my stay in cemara, the end of my life with the couch. I become conscious that I haven’t packed my things and that my roomies had practically emptied their lockers and the whole room looked like a tidal wave just washed everything over. There were bags, boxes and plastic bags scattered around the room and near the door. Still, I didn’t budge and stay put on the couch. I scrutinized every angle of the room from where I sit and watched my roomies scurry around and one of them was putting one thing in a bag, trying frantically to zip the explicitly overloaded carrier. Another was desperately stuffing a stack of hangers in a pail and another was scrunching worksheets and test papers and throwing it in a huge garbage bag.
I was sitting on the couch in my room when I recalled the 9 months I spent with people that I barely know a year ago. I realized that even if we knew somebody for a long time, it does not mean that the person knows us best and vice versa, and not that we are compatible or can connect with them greatly. What I found with some of the people here in TESLville is the instant connectivity or chemistry between me and them. I found that these people understand me better than some of my friends that I’ve known for practically the whole of my life. I had an immense experience here and would put whatever I’ve learned to good use. My perception changed towards certain people and certain situations. I discovered new ways of handling things that I’ve never been able to straighten out all this while. I have new ways to approach problems and open up to different perspectives when I need to. I also learned about unity in the TESL community, which is applicable to other circumstances. I can pretty much say that I’ve become more mature through these 9 significant months. It’s astounding how so little time can teach me so many things. To list down everything is just impossible.
Now, I am sitting on the couch typing away my opaque, dim-witted thoughts and I still haven’t packed my things, which is ghastly as I will be going home in 24 hours time. I know I don’t need that much time to pack but there’s still a feeling of uneasiness. I gawked in front of me and see my things speckled everywhere. I don’t care; I want to spend as much time as possible on this couch before I go home and wrap up the semester. The couch’s neither plushy nor stylish. It’s just plain brown and simple in terms of the design. But it’s well-structured and it suits me, like hell. I just love the couch in Cemara. Period. Now I want to sleep for a couple of hours, here in this couch, and then wake up to pack. Then, it will all be over for me - and the couch.

where's the silver lining?

every cloud has its siver lining. but the problem is, i haven't seen one. and i have like dozens of clouds here. i am truly hoping that there would be some good things i would get out of all this. maybe it's still not time. or maybe it's not silver, maybe it's gold or pink. (haha) maybe i did not realize. hmm, might just be it. i tend to get blur or ignorant at times. but most of the times, im just plain blur. like someone said, im a certified blur. okay, have to be alert next time around. have to be more attentive.

tobey the spidey

once upon a day, i have a pet. it is a spider. tobey is it's name. i gave it that name because it is significant to tobey mcguire in the movie - spiderman. in fact, it's a good name as it rhymes with spidey. you see, tobey the spidey. it's cool. i love it. i once had a spider. it's all black and a bit furry. my mom hated it but i kept it anyway. me and my brother call it 'abdullah'. the name suits it. anyway, after a few months, mom throw it away, along with the plastic container that i used as its crib. me and my bro were so devastated that we carried up the 'cold storage'. 'cold storage' is something like the cold treatment, you know when u act as if someone does not exist. when i have tobey now, it gives me the vibe that abdullah still exist. well, altho tobey is just a virtual pet and i don't really have to take care of him or feed him, it's still good to have a memory of abdullah.

my love sign

my love sign is - Capricorn. here's what they say:

Having Venus in Capricorn is a sure sign that the game of love will not be rushed. A better question might be whether things will get off the ground at all! Those graced by this placement are cautious to the core, not ones to jump into love or meander through various flings. Rather, the tender care of another is what will bring this lover into full bloom. That said, once insecurities and fear of rejection are shoved aside, those with their Venus in Capricorn can be loyal and true lovers who will work hard at making their relationship click. Don't expect a fountain of feelings to flow from these folks, however; expect them instead to be relatively private, albeit sensualists in the right situation. That situation is likely to be one where emotional and financial security is virtually guaranteed. Now that's not too much to ask, is it? Well, hard worker that the Goat is, those with this placement can expect to spend much of their time doing the work which will ultimately lead to relationship bliss. The fruits of this labor? A faithful and devoted lover. Not bad!

hmm..(thinking)

i'm a teenage dirtbag..wheatus said.

i totally agree to wheatus and think that im the best example of a teenage dirtbag. a teenage is defined as a person at his/her young age which im not really sure of the age range. and dirtbag can be defined as a bag to put dirt. i think it's the bag you use for vacuum cleaner, something like that. so basically, u got the picture, right? but that's literally speaking. the implied meaning is simply dat im a..loser. huu, i did not say it out loud. well, ok maybe i am not a total loser, but at sum points of my life maybe. anyway, i personally think it's cool to be a loser. people don't actually give a damn to you and whatever you're doing and it makes it even easier for you to do your stuffs. i mean, who cares right? i love the fact that people would actually look down on you. but the moment you rise, you will prove them all wrong - flat in their faces. it's like the return of the loser or something, ya know? wonder what it feels to be mocked at and made fun of. and suddenly wat gempaq gle. dat is juz sooo cool. if i can pick, i'd be a cool loser. is there such a thing? anyway, i'd be da best loser ever. like someone said, no matter who u are, and regardless what u do, u'll juz have 2 be da best in it. thus, i'd not only be a loser, but the best loser in town.

empty mind..liberty!!

woah..like, finally! well, now dat da whole drama thing has ended, liberty has actually taken place!! i am free!! at last!! weird thing is, i'm not sure how im gonna face da fact that i will no longer have to think bout drama 24/7, which i was constantly doing for the past few months! an empty mind is so bizarre! it rarely happens this semester, and im having trouble handling it. weird, weird. oh crap, i should be happy for not having to pressurize myself anymore, but well, let's juz say i was already used to it. haha, silly me. hmm, the idea of actually spending my sundays in bed while listening to music and eating cake (so much for an imagination) is tremendously marvellous!! i think i should list down the things that i would like to do during my weekends. woah, this totally freaked me out! i can actually spend time on weekends however i want! yippee!! ok, now i'm starting to sound like a martian. not that i've never experience holiday or whatever, but it's been such a long time, man! and i am going to have so much fun!

it hit me...i'm pathetic

oh yea, it hit me right on the head. for once, i was unable to speak. i mean, frankly speaking, i don't really know how to describe it. at one point i was at the top of the world. i thought i was content enough. i thought i had everything. well, 'almost' of course. and suddenly i was to know that my whole inspiration was a fraud. i know this might not be clear but it's not for others to know except for myself. that was all a big fat lie. for a moment, i lost focus. i don't know the reason me being here. what was the whole point again? i was confused. i was scared. i was everything i ought not be. and the sad thing is, i was alone. yup, all by myself. which made me realize that, i'll just have to learn and cope by myself. life is cruel. needless to say, unfair. fair enough, i took the challenge and i'm still alive till this very moment. alive and breathing.