what i want

what do i want?
what do i want?
what do i want?

i want peace.

in my mind --
in my land, and
in my soul.

time flies

very recently, i had a craving - not in the form of food or things, however a feeling of wanting to meet people that i've long forgotten about. i found an album full of my high school pictures - specifically, those of my form 1 year. i've been looking for this particular album for ages but failed to be detected. haha. now, i just missed all of them (my f1 classmates)!!

we all looked so young and innocent. with perculiar poses and the 'peace' sign can be seen in 8 out of 10 pictures. how cute. the good old days..

i guess, for me to meet again with all of them, especially the ones im not very close to, is really difficult. almost impossible. how i wished i had known them better.

when i looked at those pictures, with some of the people i couldnt remember the names and teachers i forgot they ever taught me, i thought to myself "hmm, how time flies.."

the sad fact is, u didnt even notice when time passes by.

yesterday

fa came to my house yesterday, after i sent my sister (lia) to sekolah agama. well, it wasnt planned, just that we both felt really bored, so she decided to come to my house. she came, and we had a mini jam. i played some songs on the piano and sang. fa sang too.

then i played some of fa's songs and mine. and that's when we both decided to really get serious with the songs. cause honest to goodness, they were kind of good. haha. well, sing-a-longable. kah2.

however she forgot to bring her guitar along, so we couldnt realy work it out. now im working on the intro of one (untitled) song. hope it come out okay.

morningstar

I saw a star beneath the stairs glowing through the melting walls. Who will be the first to begin their fall? Or will we become one? Am I the star beneath the stairs? Am I a ghost upon the stage? Am I your anything? I saw a star beneath the stairs glowing bright before descent and in the morning there is nothing left but what's inside of me. And I don't want to die tonight; will you believe in me? And I don't want to fall into the light. Will you wish upon? Will you walk upon me? I don't want to die tonight. Will you believe in me?

ordinary day

today i woke up, watched martha stewart on telly, spent a little time worrying about the paper tomorrow, then took a shower, got worried again and then went for brunch.

life couldnt be anymore normal than that. i love life!

yeah right..

i dont expect anything fun for the rest of the day, but couldnt wait for the whole finals to over. four down, two more to go. yea baby!

then i can start planning my social life, get reunited with some of my dear peeps, organize myself and probably waste the rest of the holiday staring into space.

huh, it's been such a long time.

cant wait :)

just blurbs 1

what u feel you are is what you really are..i think.

just blurbs 2

there's so many of us.so many people who look, act, talk and dress like me.and you. yet, i am an individual. we are individuals. everyone is their own person.

gobsmacked!

i wanted to write something, but it suddenly didnt come out. shit. i have no idea what the freak is going on up there (in my brain). alright then, it'll have to be later i guess. ugh. i seriously hate it. another case of short-term memory. nak kena makan kismis banyak-banyak nih. biar memory kasi kuat sket. patutlah sejarah pmr dulu dpt B. hish, kecoh..kecoh.

new year, new me?

new year, new me..? take a second to laugh at that statement. i dont bloody think solah. it's very difficult. this year im turning 20 and it's scarying me (though we know it's not like its gonna kill me). shoot. i have soo many things to be done yet before it's all too late. argh. no pressures! super. now i have to go organize my all-messy, shrubby life. where do i start? oh. i need an organizer.

unjustifiable

why do men think they can justify death? i question the same thing as mel gibson in the patriot. if everyone has the same mindset - to kill a person in order to justify the death that the person has committed - then everyone would have been dead by now.

it looks fair to some. maybe that's why they implemented the death penalty for murderers and the likes. when you kill someone, then you got killed. vice versa. then the executioner should be killed too, as he killed the killer that killed the person who was killed by him. got what i mean?
so i suggest that we should think this matter over. as it will give a certain euphorical feeling. like u get to solve the da vinci code or something. but it is an important matter. just that no one really give a thought about it.

thus, give me some feedbacks on this.

why do men think they can justify death?

just blurbs 6 : you feel it, but you dont

i had to laugh. i just had to. sometimes, (most of the times actually) i was too confused with myself that laughter is the only thing that'll resolve everything. like, bringing a climax to the whole drama. hahahahaha (there you go, still laughing)

or is it just me. maybe it's within me, biologically. maybe if you drop into a series of unstoppable laughter, (for no particular reason, be it reasonable or not) you're in some kind of a disease. sheesh. the laughter syndrome.

confusion and laughter. great combo. hahaha (still laughing, but mentally though coz people are staring).

you know, i got confused over some trivial, most microscopic stuff. i feel it, but i dont. or rather, i feel it, but i dont like the feeling.

rephrase please. i feel it, i like it, but i dont want commitment.that's more like it. now i should stop laughing.hahahaahahaha.

i can't. it's just euphorical. there's a solution!

just blurbs 4: when you wish for too much

you can dream, you can wish. you can hope for everything in the world to be yours. but be careful not to be hurt by what you dream for. cause you might just not get it. even if you do, it doesn't guarantee you'd be the happiest man alive. maybe yes, but maybe not for long. you can wish as much as you want. just don't wish for too much. somebody might get hurt.

just blurbs 3: when you're not who you are

when are you not who you are? several varied situations.

now or never

I watch the morning dawn upon your skin
A splinter in the light
It caught and frayed the very heart of us
It's been hiding there inside for all this time
How a sure thing winds up just like this
Clockwork silence only knows
And it's no one's fault
There's no black and white
Only you and me
On this endless night
And as the hours run away
With another life
Oh, darling can't you see
It's now or never
It's now or never
Sleeping anxious still at 3 am
We're trying far too hard
The tattered thought balloons above our heads
Sinking in the weight of all we need to sayWhy's and what if's have since long played out
Left us short on happy endings
And it's no one's fault
There's no black and white
Only you and me
On this endless night
And as the hours run away
With another life
Oh, darling can't you see
It's now or never
It's now or never
You know that there's so much more
And it's no one's fault
There's no black and white
Only you and me
On our final night
And as the hours run away
With another life
Oh, darling can't you see
It's now or never
It's now or never


p/s: i luv the words, i just had to put it here. by josh groban

i just talked to a person who thinks he was being judged. clearly, the name can not be revealed for confidential purposes. he is not straight but has a really kind heart. he decided to take part in donating some blood at the campaign the other day.

however, the person at the registration counter refuse to let him donate cause he has the tendency to get HIV/AIDS. i know that might be true. but brushing him off like he's some kind of a walking disease is totally not appropriate.

she should let him know properly of the reasons why he couldn't and should next time take off the sceptical look from her (oops) face.

basically, im just an advocate for my poor friend, which i know has been hurt many times with people who does not have a sense of sensitivity in them.

for you, my friend, just take a deep breath and move on. you chose to be the way you are and therefore you have to swallow the sweet and bitter. anything, gimme a buzz.

all that i've got - the used

So deep, that it didn't even bleed and catch me Off guard, red handed Now I'm far from lonely Asleep I still see you lying next to me So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I... I need something else would Someone please just give me Hit me and knock me out And let me go back to sleep I can laugh All I want inside I still am empty So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I... I'll be just fine Pretending I'm not I'm far from lonely And it's all that I've got I guess, I remember every glance you shot me Un-harmed, im losing weight and some body heat I squoze so hard I stopped your heart from beating So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me, I.... I'll be just fine Pretending I'm not I'm far from lonely And it's all that I've got And it's all that I've got Yeah, it's all that I've got It's all that I've got It's all that I've got! So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me I'll be just fine Pretending I'm not I'm far from lonely and it's all that I've got And it's all that I've got Yeah, it's all that I've got

alfie made me wonder

i was watching 'alfie' when it occured in my mind about the people around me. how much they've sacrificed for my sake, how tolerable they've been with my antics and shortcomings, how they've seen my imperfections as a gift that only i have..

all these thoughts made me realized how thankful i should be. yes, people come and go. but they have certainly left a mark. some came for a very short while and disappear as soon as a blink of an eye - but left the greatest impact. some stayed for a very long time - like the time i would take to finish my vegetables, but affect me just a little bit. how i would explain the 'impact' is totally subjective according to my preferences.

i've wondered a lot about "jodoh dan pertemuan". like if someone i would always, but eventually meet out of the blue is truly someone i should give more attention to, if you get what i mean. or if someone who has always been by my side possibly means nothing to me..just a matter of geographical factors. like im close to that person because i only have him/her, or because i really want to be close to that person, have mutual connections.

i've wondered if a friend can be called a friend. or should only be called acquaintance, because he/she don't really play a role as a friend - just there because of a situation,coincidentally. i really don't know how to explain this.ugh. then, would i be friendless? maybe i have many acquaintances but no friends. or maybe the other way around. or none of both. nada. zilch.
geez.this sucked,my mind suggested.

i've wondered the answers for the questions. but ended up eating Tesco potato chips while starring into space. my mouth chewing on auto-pilot.

like 'alfie', i guess the answers will just come along by itself. time is what i have plenty of, and my journey's just beginning. i'll leave the questions as it is for now.

i was weak

at that moment, i can only do nothing. as she held the scissors and comb closer to my hair, i shut my eyelids close. all my heart i prayed that i made the right decision - to let a stranger cut my hair.

gradually, little by little, she snipped off my tresses. i cried in my heart..cried for help and mercy from my friends next to me (they're also getting haircuts - happily).

and by the end of a long 30mins (that was the longest 30mins in my life)

blissful breakfast

the perfect breakfast for me would be a simple butter on toast (and sometimes with chocolate rice spread), hot choc, and enjoying all of this at the bench on my backyard - facing the LRT railway over a three-lane highway and some mansions on the hills. of course, it'd be even more blissful without the shreakings and yellings of my siblings. quiet and serene, only the chirpings of birds and the squirrels. if it rained the night before, then it's the loveliest! the air would be dewy and tingy cool. oh love it, love it, love it!

unbelievably touching

i went to a majlis graduasi for std 6 at my sister's skool, SBU. never did i expect for some intriguing and "surprising" moments to happen. basically, three things happen:

1. i met my old school teachers!! (they all looked pretty much the same)

2. i met some of my long-lost friends. (well,two..to be exact)

3. i met with a car accident. (so not me.saya pemandu berhemah)

okay, lowdown cleared. here's the scoop.

i sent my sisters (ilin +lia) to the skool at around 6pm. ilin was the one graduating, and lia is the type of person who just have to be there. i mean, dia macam rasa dia teachers' pet lah. so, she was appointed to record the whole event. somethin like a documentary (her self-project) where it's full of weirdly moving objects and we all looked like we were in Japan and earthquake striked -- basically caused by her shaking hands.i asked her to use a tripod.

anyways, yeah i sent them, and i went meronggeng jap 'til it's 7pm approx. and, nothing was wrong -- i parked safely outside the skool, at a legal parking space, i turned off the engine and went out of the car. there was a car in front, and no cars behind. i adjusted the buckles of my shoe and looked at the great job i did parking the car so nicely. but wait a minute, fairytales' a bullshit. being the kind-of-a-perfectionist-lah, i can't help but noticed that the car macam senget sket. and i forgot to turned the wheels so that it's straight (sumthin like dat). so i got back in the car, turned on the engine, turned on the air-cond (i had to), stretched my backs, and start to reverse the car. i reversed, and keep on reversing until suddenly.."Bhammm!!!". i pulled the hand break. shit. disastro megagalattico. somebody was honking like he just found the function of it, and it was mad. a couple of school kids started crying and ran into the skool compound. a young, kinda-cute guy came out of the car. there's another guy sitting at the passenger seat. he asked what was i thinking and whether or not i know how to drive. he looked at me as if i killed his brother. poyo lbey. putting my ego aside, i apologised to him, and secretly thought to myself that he can't help checking me out. nak sedapkan hati.

but then, couraged swooned all over me. i said to him. wait, how come i didn't see you coming from the back? i should see la kan? so long story cut short, both of us were to be blamed. i did the stupidest thing, to actually forgot looking at the rearview mirror.whoops. and he, was, shall i say, the epitome of the whole heart-wrenching incident -- he forgot to switch on the headlights.whoops again.

nobody was injured, except that i was probably emotionally affected by the traumatic experience. my car was okay, just a teeny-weeny bit of scratch, which nobody would notice. the dude's car was okay too, but he exaggerated 90% of the story to his "police uncle" to make it sound bad. there's a dent half the size of my foot (im size 8) in the front of his car. so it's discussed and agreed upon, that we'll pay 50/50. coz, i pun salah juga. so tak nak laa nanti karma ke apa. better do it the good way. no evil-evil.

i think my just-graduated (mcm just-married) sister needs to use the lappie.i need to get my ass off here.i'll continue with the touching story of the IZZA AND HER TEACHERS (AND TWO FRIENDS) - REUNITED on the next blog. ciao.