hold the time

it is christmas day today, and i rushed back home from a friend's place in magill this morning. had to take a bus to the city, wait for a freaking hour for the bus to my house before i had to endure yet another 40minutes to finally arrive. it is a public holiday. yes, and that reads infrequent buses. as an economical public-transportation enthusiast, i still have problems with waiting. patience is virtue, undeniably, but if i were to accumulate the time spent just for the wait from all the years i've taken a public transport, i bet it could take up more than a quarter of my 21 years of life.

man, i can never roll back the time i've spent to just wait. in general, waiting is pure pain. it kills you from the inside - slowly and torturingly.

would you rather be the person waiting, or the person who made others wait?

sometimes, it can do you some good to choose the latter. less harm. but in fact, this varies to situation. and the kind of situation i am in now, i'd rather wait.


wait
wait wait
wait wait wait
wait wait wait wait
wait wait wait wait wait
wait wait wait wait
wait wait wait
wait wait
wait

if we wait and wait, would we be left behind? will we be static, or will we actually move together with the rest of the world. what if everyone waits..then the world would pause and nothing would happen. can we blame each other then, for everything we waited for will never be achieved?



***

had a game night with yusri "rifle", euan, and ho san. it was awesome.

some wild ride

it has been quite a long while since i pour some juice from this brain and devote some time to blogging. things are going at warp speed in whirlwinds. i've only got two hands and one body which, if i could, i would have divided into several other me's and delegate different stuff to do.

these few weeks have put me to the test of many things important in life. and the gracing skies have witnessed friendships and relationships being bonded in many ways unexpected.

i am happy for the days i have lived and survived - with faith and dignity still close in tact. some things are just too precious to be sacrificed for trivial matters, i found. and now, i put the selfishness aside and are able to realize that dependibility is salient at all cost. as it is a second nature to rely on nothing but myself, i have now learned the fine points of purposely putting yourself in the vulnerable spot and, just out of nothingness, hold out your hand for someone else to reach.

being in the house with no one else but the TV surely drives me to stay out and away as much as possible from it. after a few days slaving myself to the dirt and parasite in every nook and cranny of the house, i was left with nothing else to do.

during the days, i wear my alter ego: salad girl, and bust my ass of at the sri lankan eatery. hold on a sec, they eat salad in sri lanka? at least my days are not so bland. after work till night, i spend time with great company, friends who kill my nightmares of being cold and lonely in a house somewhere in the middle of nowhere. haha. thank god for them.

indeed, if i were to put things up in a bun (made-up expression. Li Eng hates it when i say it.lol), i will never be able to write about the experiences, the emotions, the thoughts and whatever else that comes in the package of these past few weeks.

a lot has happened:

1. the sydney-melbourne-Great Ocean Road trip. everything encased in this trip will definitely be in my top shelves of great episodes in life. what more, the trip is filled with unexpected encounters with people and the process of adapting and getting to know more about them..it was refreshing :)

2. zayna's graduation, as well as yusri's, euan's, my classmate in Lit (how the heck she graduate before me?), and some other friends. it was very momentous :)

3. meeting more people, old and new friends. the next time i see them, it could be my last time meeting them as the time has almost arrived for me to go back home. hehe


there are many other things, but as they say, time waits for no man, and now i might have to catch it. i will continue soon. ta!

it is a teasing truth

from the moment i wake up
to the moment i sleep
the image playing in fast motion
the music playing on repeat

same old story
again and
again and
over and
over and

i cant leave it there
where it belong
in that black box
with that old song

open up
clam up
shut up
close up

what do i do
to get through
of what is true
for me and you

Both sides the tweed

Yes, when all else fails, you have yourself to turn to. you have friends, therapists, family to share whatever that is bugging you, but nobody would understand what you go through but yourself. nobody could see the things you see from your point of view. indeed, our eyes may look the same, but they dont necessarily look at things the same way.

and after the endless conversations you have with your mind - contemplating over strict choices, pushing to make salient decisions - you have Him to drop you a hint. and then it's all up to you.

report

location: some korean cyber cafe. pitt street. sydney.

time: morning

purpose: download and upload photos.

elapse time: 24minutes

report: this is taking forever!

a cloud is a shape?

when the clouds:
come together, or
drift from each other,
are they still
the same clouds?

when they move about:
sifted into the sky
shifted when birds fly,
are they still
the same, no doubt?

when they swayed:
in and out
up and about,
could they have
actually stayed?

the patterns they form,
the shapes they make,
can they even
be called shapes?

so how many shapes
can the clouds make?

every second:
when they move,
when they sway,
when they come together,
or out from each other,
they are really making shapes.

there could be a googolplex of shapes up there in the sky:
and nobody would have noticed or cared.
if you do,
see if it's true
(what i said).
count the shapes, give it a try.

don't take time for granted (ha ha)

this week has been hectic, not that it's over, but thus far. we sent off two of our housemates and some friends home. took care of some house issues. AAAANNNDDD, my paper is coming up this saturday.

which is:

TOMORROW

(blinking ala billboard effect)

O M G. honestly, this feels like going into battle without a weapon, or any kind of preparation. i have no metal boots and stainless steel suit on. armor? none. but you must have at least a shining sword? at least nanti boleh main tikam. nope. swiss army knife? tiada. but i do have a penknife.. what are you, a scouts girl? this is THE exam! and despite all that commotion in my pounding head, im sitting here whining away, while i could be more productive and go study.

quote from russell peters (with Indian accent): "This is counter-productive!"

HAHAHA

hani called and she screamed the scream of joy cause she had finally finished hers. (how i wish i was her) and i told her, mine's not over yet, and she went

"oh babe, i thought you dah habis cause you selalu update blog.."

hehe. time for a sheepish grin for greater effects. well, its my guilty pleasure, and i've only got one. and plus its my solace. what if i go mad cause of the unbearable exam pressures? (which is, very unlikely, but still..)

oh God, please make it easy for me tomorrow. light the path and convenienate(?) the journey. thank you.

and meanwhile, i'll save this for after the exam.

the hula dance, bebeh

chow.

if you can't hold children in your arms, hold them in your heart

that was a quote from Clara Hale. i went through the pictures alia passed to me last night. they were awesome, especially of those cute little pumpkins :) they never let me down, always the charmer.

umayr. "dah besar mesti hensem!"

focus habis la tu yeh? hehe

uish, garangnya cik abang!

just can't resist posting up this one. comelll!

these are only some of other great photos of them. kak kay came to my house the other day, so dapat la juga kiss pipi umayr! kalau tak selalu kena 'beratur' or 'berebut'. hehe. famous anak kak kay. i heard news, there's gonna be some new kids on the block! haha. a few mommies on the preggers --> more kids to kacau :D im so proud of these kids! entah bila lagi agaknya dapat jumpa budak-budak ni. masing-masing petah gila bercakap, siap aussie accent lagi tuh. bagus bagus. hehe.

oh boy, now i must sound like a stalker. macam nanny Carrie dalam cerita One Tree Hill tuh. better stop before i can't!

*all photos are courtesy of Alia Mazalan. thanks :)

crabbing

i forgot the last time i (really) slept. haha. had to wake up really early in the morning today to go crabbing. definitely something new to me. and it was awesome! probably going back soon with them again. next time i hope we get more crabs. at least sorang dua (bukan tamak, optimis). haha.

Hasil tangakapan hari ini:

blue crab in green

join the club, crabby

gotcha bebeh

we had to let go of this one. pregnant la pula. (notice the huge dark lump there. not a tumor. the eggs)

a passing afternoon

weather report: currently 11 degrees.

today is not an especially amazing day. quite a good day. i am still sleepy from the lack of sleep few days back. fatigue and exhaustion get the better of me. i can't even crack a corny joke (it is my specialty, so i heard. who came up with that ah?).

i think today is something you call 'normal', like a passing afternoon. not important, but have to go through still. not exactly a milestone moment in life, but i enjoyed today nonetheless. today, i :

1) went to shifa's house. they cooked a little meal for us (people from my house) and them (people from sole's house) and also them (some other friends).

2) went to places i've never set foot on with eani and jan. discovered some interesting photo spots. should come back with holga.

3) favourite spot of the day: balcony of nova cinema. romantic. haha

4) delight of the day: marshmallow puff with chocolate. (gosh, i really have a massive sweet tooth)

5) favourite..apa lagi eh. ha favourite moment today: balkis and fizah sleptover at our house. eh tu last night. takpela. kira today cause they went back today.

reality check of the day: clock is ticking faster than i realized. january will come in no time. i wish i dont have to go back so soon. i just got to know the people here, and they are awesome. maybe if jodoh berpanjangan kan, can meet again in future. who knows. haha.

have to go catch up on some sleep now. seeing too many words and letters made my eyes fuzzy.


till the next. have a pleasant night everyone :)

some updates after last night

as the title had well suggested, these are some of the updates after a loooooong, hell-ish night:

1) i pulled an all-nighter at the uni, which i didn't plan and was left with
2) the cold night. i was freezing sh*t. had i known i would've brought a jumper
3) i cant type as fast as i normally do, as my hands were frozen, which caused
4) longer time to type even a sentence
5) i was stucked with what Stephen King wouldnt normally get stuck with: mental block
6) hence, the countless trip to the loo for inspiration
7) i washed my face with hand soap, and now it irritates my skin
8) i had no shillings nor a 5 or 10 note to spare for a hot choc and was left unfed

but i gained some good things too:

7) i managed to restrain myself from suicide
6) i fought every single distraction that came my way
5) i even forced a smile through out the process
4) i gained confidence, and felt like a survivor
3) i didn't yell at the couple behind me for getting on my nerves
2) i found some reliable references

and the number one good thing, would definitely be, the fact that:

1) i have finally completed the essay!


phewww. *wiping imaginary perspiration off forehead*


so what now? ganti tidur? tu kena postpone. kena pi beli groceries, kemudian kena masak. malam ni ada tetamu kehormat nak datang dinner. he he. masak apo, den tak tau. hok tu kena tanya chef naa. kita fokus dessert. bg eskrem skoop jela. ha ha.

di malam yang hening, aku ditorture sebuah benda bernama REFERENCING

the only reason im not doing work right now is the fact that i couldn't find any fitting reference for my essay. ni lah akibatnya bajet nak creative sangat kan. pilih topic bukan-bukan. kononnya revolutionary thinking la kan. points memang banyak, tapi tak leh pakai if tak ada reference untuk back-up. siapa punya idea la tu kena letak reference minimum lima, memang nak kena. penat memang tahap tak-yah-sebut-la-buang-masa, tak penah la before this nak buat keje advanced tiga hari sebelum. ni empat hari sebelum dah mula research and satu hapah pun tak dapat.

progress sekarang cuma introductory paragraph dan juga point pertama. jadi ada dua paragraphs kat situ. tarikh akhir submission adalah pada hari esok jam 5 petang. sekarang entah tak pasti pukul berapa tapi yang pastinya dah malam dan otak dah berdenyut tanda penat dan menyampah tengok sehelai kertas putih (of course virtual la, sebab buat kat microsoft words kan) yang dari tadi hanya mengandungi 800 patah perkataan tambah tolak.

tapi kiranya oklah juga tu kan. selalunya the eve of submission day baru nak mula tulis essay. so i should pat myself on the back, tanda penghargaan pada diri sendiri. i could use some self-motivation sekarang ni memandangkan masa dah suntuk dan semangat jati diri dah mula memusnah.

nota buat diri: sila compose semua semangat, spirit, dan whatever else you call it dan fokus dalam memastikan yang esei siap pada masanya.

konklusi: tulis sahaja esei tersebut tanpa reference untuk malam ini. kemudian tidur dan cuba fikirkan tentang esei, mana tahu keluar reference dalam mimpi. esok hari, baru insert references di mana-mana yang patut.

mode: desperasi dan depresi

current thoughts: siapa pengasas sistem referencing? to whoever you are, "thanks a lot!". sila notis simbol quote dan unquote di situ.

sekian terima kasih daun keladi. harap boleh jumpa lagi (di post yang akan datang setelah selesai dengan esei).

two guys cleaning windows: extraordinarily ordinary

i was lunching at that hungry jack's, the one at the corner, and i saw two guys cleaning the windows on top of the Australian Disposals and Telstra.

they were chatting away, whilst cleaning the huge reflecting windows, wearing fluoroscent safety jackets and sunnies. as i watched them in motion, i couldn't help but notice, between my lunch, that they actually have a certain method of cleaning the windows. all this while, i always think of cleaning windows as merely cleaning them..yes, with soaked sponges and then wiped dry with cloths or you-know-that-thing-they-used-at-petrol-stations-for-the-car-windows. but not this time. i was surprised. like, wow, do they really have methods for that?

there were two of them, and like ten window panels, all bigger than them. what they did was:

1) person A soaped (is there such word?) the upper part of 5 windows.
2) simultaneously, person B wiped off the upper parts off the soap and water with the wiper.
3) this is all done vertically, approx 4 strokes for each window panel.
4) they swaped equipments with each other.
5) person B soaped the lower parts for the first 5 panels. but this time, in circular motions or freestyle.
6) person A did step (2) but in curvy motions (like the letter 'm') for the top side, and horizontally for the insides.
7) they moved to next 5 panels and repeat step (1) to (6)

cool, huh? i almost didn't notice that i had finished everything i had in my tray. it was like eating dinner while watching an episode of FRIENDS. and as i walked back to uni, i thought to myself:

why, we tend to overlook simple things happening around us, dont we?

ta :)

and now you have arrived to the time when you don't have a care. so what do you do? nothing. yes, absolutely nothing. you sit back and recall what happened, then you delete. then it will be done and gone.

and so you start over. besides, each day is a new beginning. i am in a good mood, and i will start anew.
God bless :)

tangled up in transliteration

गी व्हीज़, हाहा लुक अत ठाट! इ'म अच्तुअल्ली त्र्यिंग आउट थिस थिंग फॉर थे फर्स्ट टाइम, एंड आईटी'स अच्तुअल्ली प्रेत्टी कूल।.

haha. i was actually bored (despite the amount of work i had to get done), and decided to try out the transliteration (yeah, the above). pretty cool, huh?

who doesn't have them?

ah, the things you think you know.
sometimes it just isn't what it might seemed to be.
everything is an illusion, but everything is illuminated.
life is hard. so we have to try harder.
and we fall, yes we do, all the time.
and then we climb back up, or sometimes we just crawl.
but we move forward.

a friend said, this is your chance. if you dont grab it,
you'll regret.
but regret is what i have plenty of.
not because i never take the chance to do things.
but simply because i never learn from them.
or i just dont feel the need to try.

my most used mantra: ahh well, maybe someday.
i used that a lot for missed opportunities.
but some never came twice.
and they will add to my notorious collection of regrets.

i always wear heavy boots.
i bring these regrets everywhere in my boots.
to remind me every time.
to remind me not to repeat the things i should not.
but i keep forgetting.
and i keep wearing heavy boots.
and they keep getting heavier.

soon i will have to add another one
-this one. and i have
heavy boots filled with regrets.
eyes filled with shame.


but then, who doesn't have them?

Grassroots Will

It is not always that something makes you cry..or almost want to cry. this video is one of it, welling up my tear tank. and most importantly, it makes me feel ungrateful and guilty for taking things for granted.

Grassroots Will

it is a teaser of a documentary shot in Cambodia in February 2005 by a crew of Brazillian filmmakers. the film was released in 2006. i watched it three times, and still couldn't answer the everlasting question of inequity in this world.

they want to change for the betterment of Cambodia, they want to change so badly, but they dont have the means or power. it is true, that education is one of the most fundamental elements of a nation. and these people have nothing left at their disposal. all the wise men and the role models were killed and all they have is themselves and what they know..which is not enough. they need us, people who have the ability, to help them, guide them, give them support and love. and essentially, breathe into them the belief that they can do it, and that they are as good as anyone in this world. i have never felt like crying for quite a long time, until this.


*there are random quotations from the video

Me: 1987-Now

Dates captivate me, in a sense that it can be very, very mysterious as it can be transparent. They hold history, in which may mean different things to different people. They invite narratives, when people ask “what happens on that date?”, and they bring you through mental time machines when you try to remember certain incidents on certain dates.

They can be recorded in many forms.

December 6
31/08/57
1987-2008
Tuesday

They can be vague, they can be specific. Eitherways, they will all be meaningful.

December 6 is my birthday.
31/08/57 is the national Independence Day.
1987-2008 is the life time of my friend, Nurrizan Harun.
Tuesday is the day my brother started SPM.

But those dates may retrieve different memories from your archive. Tuesday may be the day you got your first paycheck, and December 6 may be the day you moved house. But they hold incidents, memories, histories, nonetheless. Yours and mine. They hold our roots; where we come from, how we get where we are and what’s to become of us.

A date will never repeat itself. Once it happened, it will be closed and remembered. That’s the most we can do. We hold dear to the dates we deem important to our lives. Maybe, the accumulation of dates we remember can tell something about us. If we were to ask every single person in this world to list down the dates they remember or had written in their diaries and notebooks, there is a fat chance that every one would have different sets of dates. These collections, I take, can tell a lot about our identities.

Today: 13th November 2008, can mean a lot of things to a lot of people. Some may keep it in their minds, some may forget about it. Different things would have happened on this date. There will never be another November 13th of 2008 again.

A date is more than just a date. It is your past, your present, your future.

It is who you are.

First Australians

My Mother Reread Me Tenderly
With Me She Took Much Paines
And When I Arrived In This Coelney
I Sowd The Forst Grain and Now
With Me Hevenly Father I Hope
For Ever to Remain.


I just thought this is smart. Spelt exactly as it would be pronounced. The first Australians were ignored and unappreciated in previous years, but now all of that seemed so distant. the gov goes for equity in everything they do now. these people deserve it.

Whisper
in my ear
here
Louder
Can't hear
Come closer
Closer,
dear.