role-play

the other day, i had nothing better to do; or rather refuse to do. and i did role-play on solo and imagined myself being a 60 year-old grandma. it was not the best time i had. it felt depressing and got heaps of negative sensations that i am unable to describe by words. highlights:

first of, i felt envious. of the young people - whose innocence shone in their faces. they have one privilege i ever wanted more and more - time. it is a luxury they possess that i know they might and could waste at their dispense. they take risks - they know time is on their side. they rebel, and people dont blame them, they blame their hormones.

secondly, i also envy the 'surprise' element that they hold on to, as they know not of what the future may bring them. they are as excited as they are scared. very thrilling.

then i sympathize. i pity them. for the things they are unable to foresee, for the problems they are unable to control, for the lessons they have to learn. there is no such thing as the easy way - condom for the heart, helmet for the mind, bullet-proof suit for the soul.

then i realize i am one of them. so i snapped out of the granny role, and came back to reality. suddenly i felt relieved. thank god i still have ample opportunities to do what i want. i know it's still not too late.

but at the same time, i also feel like shit. the things i want, i dont always get it. close to never. i do get things i need, but not so much of those that i want. (i know everybody faces the same thing) i seriously do feel like shit when i know that things are a-changing. shit, in this sense, is in the same category of melancholic. guess one can only move on. get on the wagon and ride along.