the Alma MATTERS

i just realized this morning over breakfast, how important my schooling days are to me. and as important as they seemed to be to me, they clearly aren't so important to some other people.

why do i say this? because the schools i went to, they are all no longer where they used to be (or no longer here in the face of earth); hence, no tangible memories for me. i cant be doing what others from other schools would do when they have children of their own, which is to proudly show their alma maters and curate the experiences they had growing in the fences of the school.

my kindergarten:

Tadika Fatima, Jalan Ampang KL.
attended from 5years old to 6years old.

- I had the best time of my childhood years here. My favourite teacher in the whole wide world, Teacher Noor. The last time I saw this building being used as a SCHOOL was in 1997.

- Has now been turned into a Syarikat Menjual Kereta Terpakai. there are more than 30 cars there on the compound where we used to have our sports day. *swear word* *swear word*


my primary school and some secondary:

Bukit Bintang Girls' School (BBGS), Jalan Raja Chulan KL.
attended from 7years old to 13 years old.

- Got to know some of the best people who are now my close friends, still.
- The place was strategic: across was Tower Records (where the Moffats once set foot on, with us girls shrieking on the balcony), Star Hill, BB Plaza, The Marriot Hotel, Karyaneka etc etc. it's in the middle of the forked road. Traffic jam inevitable.
- The place where i embarked on the 'terowong' investigation. found a tunnel that led to three other schools in KL (namely St. Mary's, St. John's, Convent Bukit Nanas)
- Very near to my dad's former office: Lot 10. i used to go to his office and look at my school from the 20th floor.
- My most favourite mamak stall that my dad and i used to go after school is situated at the alley between the office and the school. That guy definitely serves the best mee goreng mamak, EVER.

- Was demolished in the year 2001.
- Has now been totally 'revamped' as the Pavilion high-end shopping centre. YES. the huge building that homes some of the best renowned coutures and brand labels.
- the school is now moved to Taman Shamelin and renamed as Sekolah Seri Bintang Utara. it is now a co-ed school and no longer an all-girls school.

because of some selfish persons who feel obliged to contribute to the consumer world, my schools were sacrificed. and they are buildings from the colonnial era, so indeed, you would think there would be some sentiment there for antiquity and old architecture..but no. all they care about is to make more money, regardless.

:'(

moronic morning musings

just when you thought you are safe, there comes the crossroad again..and that three humongous containers. you sort of dragged your foot in front of the other, as if forcing it to decide the path you would be taking. or should be taking.

you think: is this all worth it? do i even have to decide? if i decide, does it even matter? who will it matter to, if it does?

you feel like crap, you feel undutiful, you are fickle and you are stuck.

and the things you carry with you, they have to be sorted out in those three containers. you label the containers.

so which goes into which? you can't bring them all, you have to let go, you have to be free, to actually be able to decide.

you cant seem to let go, you figured that they could be useful to you someday; that they might try to get you in the afterlife, that you can try to love these things again..

but hell, reality hits you hard like a meteor. these things you 'own', they have no hearts. they cannot feel. they wont be able to love you back. they cant appreciate. they will be cycled and then they will leave you.

which they did.

supersleep

i want nothing more, now, than to fall into a deeeeeeeep slumber, for as long as my eyes long for.

i want to really sleep and dream of good dreams.

i want to be refreshed, rejuvenated, re-un-eyebagged, restored with energy.

i want all these fundamental needs of Maslow's hierarchy to be fulfilled.

coz i need to be focused, need to be tough,

this time around you bet it's going to be rocky.

i have to be prepared

- yeah, i'm roughin' it baby!

fever here, and there

i am 42 degrees.

when i got back from campus yesterday, the last thing i needed now came to visit, finally. ahhh the fever.

i've been online to suffice myself with the latest updates on our brothers and sisters in Gaza, and all i can see is blur images of blood-wrenched faces and bodies, and walls, and guns. words became fuzzy, and i tried to catch on some keywords.

well it is a really sad thing. one would think that this would happen sooner or later, and the day finally arrived. like this fever.

they certainly have issues thats been kept inside for one too many years. and now they're giving the old cannon a go.

i hope now when i go to sleep that all of this would go away. please, God. help them. or help us help them.

im really tired now, i need to go to sleep and clear the storm in my head for a while.

have a great night to the rest of you :)

home, finally

it was unbelievable. it is surreal to me, now.

a period of time came and left, just like that.

again i taste all of it that i have put aside for a while:

the familiar smell, the sights and sounds, the people.

God, it is the best place in the whole wide world.

it feels good to be here, again.

this is home.

:)

try is a strong word

people, at their best, are still short of perfect. nothing anybody can do could make them perfect..but there are almost perfect people.

in the end, what counts is the fact that we even tried. trying is a huge thing to me. but some people think that to try is to do something without actually doing it. yes, they want the results to be apparent to them before they actually acknowledge the 'trying'.

this is why, i think, most people stopped trying. because they were criticized for doing so. nobody gave them the encouragement they expected to get in the process of trying. trying is a process. a journey. an endurement towards a destination of destiny. it takes courage, support, belief and faith.

everyday, people try to be something..either to be a better version of what they are or to be the worse. and in my case right now, i am trying to find myself. i thought i found it, but it doesn't suit me. im trying to find the best, most noble; the version i myself would like to see in other people, that is hidden somewhere in me. and or for that matter, i really appreciate people who dont judge, and people who dont even have the best interest in me trying but would like to see me do so without passing criticizations to make me stop trying.

why do we take, if we can't give back?

this world has become a huge orbiting monster. im shit scared of it, and especially the fact that im actually living in it. monster, in the sense of its retaliation and agitation we have seen before our eyes happening in this short years.

most of all, im scared of the people living in the world. my idea of a perfect world is to witness the world being evergreen; defying the aging process, safe from harm of irresponsible exploiters named human. abusers of the great creation of the Mighty God, using the name of human kind, using its wealth and nutritions for the benefit of the exclusived.

walking along the straight, untouched paths of the roads from the town of Kingston, Victoria, one is certainly reminded of the goodness this kind nature has given us, and how much we have taken from it. we have done nothing but take, take and take from it all this while. it is high time we give back as much as we can.

hold the time

it is christmas day today, and i rushed back home from a friend's place in magill this morning. had to take a bus to the city, wait for a freaking hour for the bus to my house before i had to endure yet another 40minutes to finally arrive. it is a public holiday. yes, and that reads infrequent buses. as an economical public-transportation enthusiast, i still have problems with waiting. patience is virtue, undeniably, but if i were to accumulate the time spent just for the wait from all the years i've taken a public transport, i bet it could take up more than a quarter of my 21 years of life.

man, i can never roll back the time i've spent to just wait. in general, waiting is pure pain. it kills you from the inside - slowly and torturingly.

would you rather be the person waiting, or the person who made others wait?

sometimes, it can do you some good to choose the latter. less harm. but in fact, this varies to situation. and the kind of situation i am in now, i'd rather wait.


wait
wait wait
wait wait wait
wait wait wait wait
wait wait wait wait wait
wait wait wait wait
wait wait wait
wait wait
wait

if we wait and wait, would we be left behind? will we be static, or will we actually move together with the rest of the world. what if everyone waits..then the world would pause and nothing would happen. can we blame each other then, for everything we waited for will never be achieved?



***

had a game night with yusri "rifle", euan, and ho san. it was awesome.

some wild ride

it has been quite a long while since i pour some juice from this brain and devote some time to blogging. things are going at warp speed in whirlwinds. i've only got two hands and one body which, if i could, i would have divided into several other me's and delegate different stuff to do.

these few weeks have put me to the test of many things important in life. and the gracing skies have witnessed friendships and relationships being bonded in many ways unexpected.

i am happy for the days i have lived and survived - with faith and dignity still close in tact. some things are just too precious to be sacrificed for trivial matters, i found. and now, i put the selfishness aside and are able to realize that dependibility is salient at all cost. as it is a second nature to rely on nothing but myself, i have now learned the fine points of purposely putting yourself in the vulnerable spot and, just out of nothingness, hold out your hand for someone else to reach.

being in the house with no one else but the TV surely drives me to stay out and away as much as possible from it. after a few days slaving myself to the dirt and parasite in every nook and cranny of the house, i was left with nothing else to do.

during the days, i wear my alter ego: salad girl, and bust my ass of at the sri lankan eatery. hold on a sec, they eat salad in sri lanka? at least my days are not so bland. after work till night, i spend time with great company, friends who kill my nightmares of being cold and lonely in a house somewhere in the middle of nowhere. haha. thank god for them.

indeed, if i were to put things up in a bun (made-up expression. Li Eng hates it when i say it.lol), i will never be able to write about the experiences, the emotions, the thoughts and whatever else that comes in the package of these past few weeks.

a lot has happened:

1. the sydney-melbourne-Great Ocean Road trip. everything encased in this trip will definitely be in my top shelves of great episodes in life. what more, the trip is filled with unexpected encounters with people and the process of adapting and getting to know more about them..it was refreshing :)

2. zayna's graduation, as well as yusri's, euan's, my classmate in Lit (how the heck she graduate before me?), and some other friends. it was very momentous :)

3. meeting more people, old and new friends. the next time i see them, it could be my last time meeting them as the time has almost arrived for me to go back home. hehe


there are many other things, but as they say, time waits for no man, and now i might have to catch it. i will continue soon. ta!

it is a teasing truth

from the moment i wake up
to the moment i sleep
the image playing in fast motion
the music playing on repeat

same old story
again and
again and
over and
over and

i cant leave it there
where it belong
in that black box
with that old song

open up
clam up
shut up
close up

what do i do
to get through
of what is true
for me and you

Both sides the tweed

Yes, when all else fails, you have yourself to turn to. you have friends, therapists, family to share whatever that is bugging you, but nobody would understand what you go through but yourself. nobody could see the things you see from your point of view. indeed, our eyes may look the same, but they dont necessarily look at things the same way.

and after the endless conversations you have with your mind - contemplating over strict choices, pushing to make salient decisions - you have Him to drop you a hint. and then it's all up to you.

report

location: some korean cyber cafe. pitt street. sydney.

time: morning

purpose: download and upload photos.

elapse time: 24minutes

report: this is taking forever!

a cloud is a shape?

when the clouds:
come together, or
drift from each other,
are they still
the same clouds?

when they move about:
sifted into the sky
shifted when birds fly,
are they still
the same, no doubt?

when they swayed:
in and out
up and about,
could they have
actually stayed?

the patterns they form,
the shapes they make,
can they even
be called shapes?

so how many shapes
can the clouds make?

every second:
when they move,
when they sway,
when they come together,
or out from each other,
they are really making shapes.

there could be a googolplex of shapes up there in the sky:
and nobody would have noticed or cared.
if you do,
see if it's true
(what i said).
count the shapes, give it a try.

don't take time for granted (ha ha)

this week has been hectic, not that it's over, but thus far. we sent off two of our housemates and some friends home. took care of some house issues. AAAANNNDDD, my paper is coming up this saturday.

which is:

TOMORROW

(blinking ala billboard effect)

O M G. honestly, this feels like going into battle without a weapon, or any kind of preparation. i have no metal boots and stainless steel suit on. armor? none. but you must have at least a shining sword? at least nanti boleh main tikam. nope. swiss army knife? tiada. but i do have a penknife.. what are you, a scouts girl? this is THE exam! and despite all that commotion in my pounding head, im sitting here whining away, while i could be more productive and go study.

quote from russell peters (with Indian accent): "This is counter-productive!"

HAHAHA

hani called and she screamed the scream of joy cause she had finally finished hers. (how i wish i was her) and i told her, mine's not over yet, and she went

"oh babe, i thought you dah habis cause you selalu update blog.."

hehe. time for a sheepish grin for greater effects. well, its my guilty pleasure, and i've only got one. and plus its my solace. what if i go mad cause of the unbearable exam pressures? (which is, very unlikely, but still..)

oh God, please make it easy for me tomorrow. light the path and convenienate(?) the journey. thank you.

and meanwhile, i'll save this for after the exam.

the hula dance, bebeh

chow.

if you can't hold children in your arms, hold them in your heart

that was a quote from Clara Hale. i went through the pictures alia passed to me last night. they were awesome, especially of those cute little pumpkins :) they never let me down, always the charmer.

umayr. "dah besar mesti hensem!"

focus habis la tu yeh? hehe

uish, garangnya cik abang!

just can't resist posting up this one. comelll!

these are only some of other great photos of them. kak kay came to my house the other day, so dapat la juga kiss pipi umayr! kalau tak selalu kena 'beratur' or 'berebut'. hehe. famous anak kak kay. i heard news, there's gonna be some new kids on the block! haha. a few mommies on the preggers --> more kids to kacau :D im so proud of these kids! entah bila lagi agaknya dapat jumpa budak-budak ni. masing-masing petah gila bercakap, siap aussie accent lagi tuh. bagus bagus. hehe.

oh boy, now i must sound like a stalker. macam nanny Carrie dalam cerita One Tree Hill tuh. better stop before i can't!

*all photos are courtesy of Alia Mazalan. thanks :)

crabbing

i forgot the last time i (really) slept. haha. had to wake up really early in the morning today to go crabbing. definitely something new to me. and it was awesome! probably going back soon with them again. next time i hope we get more crabs. at least sorang dua (bukan tamak, optimis). haha.

Hasil tangakapan hari ini:

blue crab in green

join the club, crabby

gotcha bebeh

we had to let go of this one. pregnant la pula. (notice the huge dark lump there. not a tumor. the eggs)

a passing afternoon

weather report: currently 11 degrees.

today is not an especially amazing day. quite a good day. i am still sleepy from the lack of sleep few days back. fatigue and exhaustion get the better of me. i can't even crack a corny joke (it is my specialty, so i heard. who came up with that ah?).

i think today is something you call 'normal', like a passing afternoon. not important, but have to go through still. not exactly a milestone moment in life, but i enjoyed today nonetheless. today, i :

1) went to shifa's house. they cooked a little meal for us (people from my house) and them (people from sole's house) and also them (some other friends).

2) went to places i've never set foot on with eani and jan. discovered some interesting photo spots. should come back with holga.

3) favourite spot of the day: balcony of nova cinema. romantic. haha

4) delight of the day: marshmallow puff with chocolate. (gosh, i really have a massive sweet tooth)

5) favourite..apa lagi eh. ha favourite moment today: balkis and fizah sleptover at our house. eh tu last night. takpela. kira today cause they went back today.

reality check of the day: clock is ticking faster than i realized. january will come in no time. i wish i dont have to go back so soon. i just got to know the people here, and they are awesome. maybe if jodoh berpanjangan kan, can meet again in future. who knows. haha.

have to go catch up on some sleep now. seeing too many words and letters made my eyes fuzzy.


till the next. have a pleasant night everyone :)

some updates after last night

as the title had well suggested, these are some of the updates after a loooooong, hell-ish night:

1) i pulled an all-nighter at the uni, which i didn't plan and was left with
2) the cold night. i was freezing sh*t. had i known i would've brought a jumper
3) i cant type as fast as i normally do, as my hands were frozen, which caused
4) longer time to type even a sentence
5) i was stucked with what Stephen King wouldnt normally get stuck with: mental block
6) hence, the countless trip to the loo for inspiration
7) i washed my face with hand soap, and now it irritates my skin
8) i had no shillings nor a 5 or 10 note to spare for a hot choc and was left unfed

but i gained some good things too:

7) i managed to restrain myself from suicide
6) i fought every single distraction that came my way
5) i even forced a smile through out the process
4) i gained confidence, and felt like a survivor
3) i didn't yell at the couple behind me for getting on my nerves
2) i found some reliable references

and the number one good thing, would definitely be, the fact that:

1) i have finally completed the essay!


phewww. *wiping imaginary perspiration off forehead*


so what now? ganti tidur? tu kena postpone. kena pi beli groceries, kemudian kena masak. malam ni ada tetamu kehormat nak datang dinner. he he. masak apo, den tak tau. hok tu kena tanya chef naa. kita fokus dessert. bg eskrem skoop jela. ha ha.

di malam yang hening, aku ditorture sebuah benda bernama REFERENCING

the only reason im not doing work right now is the fact that i couldn't find any fitting reference for my essay. ni lah akibatnya bajet nak creative sangat kan. pilih topic bukan-bukan. kononnya revolutionary thinking la kan. points memang banyak, tapi tak leh pakai if tak ada reference untuk back-up. siapa punya idea la tu kena letak reference minimum lima, memang nak kena. penat memang tahap tak-yah-sebut-la-buang-masa, tak penah la before this nak buat keje advanced tiga hari sebelum. ni empat hari sebelum dah mula research and satu hapah pun tak dapat.

progress sekarang cuma introductory paragraph dan juga point pertama. jadi ada dua paragraphs kat situ. tarikh akhir submission adalah pada hari esok jam 5 petang. sekarang entah tak pasti pukul berapa tapi yang pastinya dah malam dan otak dah berdenyut tanda penat dan menyampah tengok sehelai kertas putih (of course virtual la, sebab buat kat microsoft words kan) yang dari tadi hanya mengandungi 800 patah perkataan tambah tolak.

tapi kiranya oklah juga tu kan. selalunya the eve of submission day baru nak mula tulis essay. so i should pat myself on the back, tanda penghargaan pada diri sendiri. i could use some self-motivation sekarang ni memandangkan masa dah suntuk dan semangat jati diri dah mula memusnah.

nota buat diri: sila compose semua semangat, spirit, dan whatever else you call it dan fokus dalam memastikan yang esei siap pada masanya.

konklusi: tulis sahaja esei tersebut tanpa reference untuk malam ini. kemudian tidur dan cuba fikirkan tentang esei, mana tahu keluar reference dalam mimpi. esok hari, baru insert references di mana-mana yang patut.

mode: desperasi dan depresi

current thoughts: siapa pengasas sistem referencing? to whoever you are, "thanks a lot!". sila notis simbol quote dan unquote di situ.

sekian terima kasih daun keladi. harap boleh jumpa lagi (di post yang akan datang setelah selesai dengan esei).

two guys cleaning windows: extraordinarily ordinary

i was lunching at that hungry jack's, the one at the corner, and i saw two guys cleaning the windows on top of the Australian Disposals and Telstra.

they were chatting away, whilst cleaning the huge reflecting windows, wearing fluoroscent safety jackets and sunnies. as i watched them in motion, i couldn't help but notice, between my lunch, that they actually have a certain method of cleaning the windows. all this while, i always think of cleaning windows as merely cleaning them..yes, with soaked sponges and then wiped dry with cloths or you-know-that-thing-they-used-at-petrol-stations-for-the-car-windows. but not this time. i was surprised. like, wow, do they really have methods for that?

there were two of them, and like ten window panels, all bigger than them. what they did was:

1) person A soaped (is there such word?) the upper part of 5 windows.
2) simultaneously, person B wiped off the upper parts off the soap and water with the wiper.
3) this is all done vertically, approx 4 strokes for each window panel.
4) they swaped equipments with each other.
5) person B soaped the lower parts for the first 5 panels. but this time, in circular motions or freestyle.
6) person A did step (2) but in curvy motions (like the letter 'm') for the top side, and horizontally for the insides.
7) they moved to next 5 panels and repeat step (1) to (6)

cool, huh? i almost didn't notice that i had finished everything i had in my tray. it was like eating dinner while watching an episode of FRIENDS. and as i walked back to uni, i thought to myself:

why, we tend to overlook simple things happening around us, dont we?

ta :)

and now you have arrived to the time when you don't have a care. so what do you do? nothing. yes, absolutely nothing. you sit back and recall what happened, then you delete. then it will be done and gone.

and so you start over. besides, each day is a new beginning. i am in a good mood, and i will start anew.
God bless :)

tangled up in transliteration

गी व्हीज़, हाहा लुक अत ठाट! इ'म अच्तुअल्ली त्र्यिंग आउट थिस थिंग फॉर थे फर्स्ट टाइम, एंड आईटी'स अच्तुअल्ली प्रेत्टी कूल।.

haha. i was actually bored (despite the amount of work i had to get done), and decided to try out the transliteration (yeah, the above). pretty cool, huh?

who doesn't have them?

ah, the things you think you know.
sometimes it just isn't what it might seemed to be.
everything is an illusion, but everything is illuminated.
life is hard. so we have to try harder.
and we fall, yes we do, all the time.
and then we climb back up, or sometimes we just crawl.
but we move forward.

a friend said, this is your chance. if you dont grab it,
you'll regret.
but regret is what i have plenty of.
not because i never take the chance to do things.
but simply because i never learn from them.
or i just dont feel the need to try.

my most used mantra: ahh well, maybe someday.
i used that a lot for missed opportunities.
but some never came twice.
and they will add to my notorious collection of regrets.

i always wear heavy boots.
i bring these regrets everywhere in my boots.
to remind me every time.
to remind me not to repeat the things i should not.
but i keep forgetting.
and i keep wearing heavy boots.
and they keep getting heavier.

soon i will have to add another one
-this one. and i have
heavy boots filled with regrets.
eyes filled with shame.


but then, who doesn't have them?

Grassroots Will

It is not always that something makes you cry..or almost want to cry. this video is one of it, welling up my tear tank. and most importantly, it makes me feel ungrateful and guilty for taking things for granted.

Grassroots Will

it is a teaser of a documentary shot in Cambodia in February 2005 by a crew of Brazillian filmmakers. the film was released in 2006. i watched it three times, and still couldn't answer the everlasting question of inequity in this world.

they want to change for the betterment of Cambodia, they want to change so badly, but they dont have the means or power. it is true, that education is one of the most fundamental elements of a nation. and these people have nothing left at their disposal. all the wise men and the role models were killed and all they have is themselves and what they know..which is not enough. they need us, people who have the ability, to help them, guide them, give them support and love. and essentially, breathe into them the belief that they can do it, and that they are as good as anyone in this world. i have never felt like crying for quite a long time, until this.


*there are random quotations from the video

Me: 1987-Now

Dates captivate me, in a sense that it can be very, very mysterious as it can be transparent. They hold history, in which may mean different things to different people. They invite narratives, when people ask “what happens on that date?”, and they bring you through mental time machines when you try to remember certain incidents on certain dates.

They can be recorded in many forms.

December 6
31/08/57
1987-2008
Tuesday

They can be vague, they can be specific. Eitherways, they will all be meaningful.

December 6 is my birthday.
31/08/57 is the national Independence Day.
1987-2008 is the life time of my friend, Nurrizan Harun.
Tuesday is the day my brother started SPM.

But those dates may retrieve different memories from your archive. Tuesday may be the day you got your first paycheck, and December 6 may be the day you moved house. But they hold incidents, memories, histories, nonetheless. Yours and mine. They hold our roots; where we come from, how we get where we are and what’s to become of us.

A date will never repeat itself. Once it happened, it will be closed and remembered. That’s the most we can do. We hold dear to the dates we deem important to our lives. Maybe, the accumulation of dates we remember can tell something about us. If we were to ask every single person in this world to list down the dates they remember or had written in their diaries and notebooks, there is a fat chance that every one would have different sets of dates. These collections, I take, can tell a lot about our identities.

Today: 13th November 2008, can mean a lot of things to a lot of people. Some may keep it in their minds, some may forget about it. Different things would have happened on this date. There will never be another November 13th of 2008 again.

A date is more than just a date. It is your past, your present, your future.

It is who you are.

First Australians

My Mother Reread Me Tenderly
With Me She Took Much Paines
And When I Arrived In This Coelney
I Sowd The Forst Grain and Now
With Me Hevenly Father I Hope
For Ever to Remain.


I just thought this is smart. Spelt exactly as it would be pronounced. The first Australians were ignored and unappreciated in previous years, but now all of that seemed so distant. the gov goes for equity in everything they do now. these people deserve it.

Whisper
in my ear
here
Louder
Can't hear
Come closer
Closer,
dear.

kepanasan melampau membangkit semangat membara api marak menyala

oohhh, gila bapak la panas kan harini. cecah 32darjah gak la. tepek sunblock setengah botol pun bakar juga rasanya. keluar je rumah teringat malaysia. hehe. rindu. tapi sini berangin lebih sikit la. stok rambut terbang-terbang.

terus pergi uni. kuota internet banyak lagi, baik guna. rumah punya memang lambat tahap dewa. anyways, lately makan banyak makanan kurang berkhasiat. but who cares betul tak. nanti la bila dah tua sikit baru jaga kesihatan. sekarang enjoy semua.

by the way, kepada semua orang. join la Youth'09 nanti 9-11 January 2009. macam banyak aktiviti la. pegi google event tu.

oh and betul ke next semester belaja shakespeare for literature? sheeeeeet. i can hardly wait. as for now, i have two major assignments. language and identity nak buat pasal apa? most probably about membership or language as narratives. ah fergeddit. bowhsan.

nak aiskrim la. nak aiskrim. aiskrim. nak yg ada kacang ngan mcm chocotop sket toppings dia. pergh. layan seh.

ok jap lagi gegas gi kedai.

immana chow now. bye peeps.

ah, this thing!

1. Complete this sentence. Life is...

(pauses for a while)

Well to me, life is anything and everything that happens in between the moment you wake up, and the moment you sleep. Whatever happens in between, that is Life.

2. How many pets do you have?

Six and they are all dead.

3. Are you listening to anything now? What is it?

Music. Hetty Koes Endang's Tinggal Mimpi.

4. What was the last movie you watch?

The Door in the Floor.

5. Have you ever regret anything in your life?

Yes. Many things. One of it is to have regrets at all.

6. Who do you want to be today?

Just myself.

7. Who are you tomorrow?

I don't know, probably some nobody walking down to uni.

8. What's good about you?

I take things as they are.

9. What's bad about you?

Ask people who hate me. There should be a whole list.

10. If you die tomorrow, what is the one thing you would say to a person you love before you go?

See you there.



I would like to tag everyone who's reading this, especially those who follow my blog.

Have a great day, everyone :)

morning of adieu

this morning, we were thrown a little farewell gathering by the exchange office of unisa. the morning tea was held at the civic gallery, city west campus and i must say it was our first time being at the hawke building. the place was surprisingly cool, with state of the art facilities and decor. cool stuff.

met a few of the staff, Dr Anna couldnt make it as she is now in Thailand. Rob the director, instead, came to greet us. they are some cheerful and friendly bunch, and not forgetting other fellow exchange students from around asia. Mak got a little chummy with an indian friend (haha, sorry mak!), chatting away about some bollywood stuff. we talked with Rob and he told us that his son married a swedish girl which he met through an exchange program. you see, that is one successful exchange! haha. certainly one of the bonus points, an interesting perk if you go under programs like this (apart from other perks, of course).

we took pictures, and chatted and ate, and then we shook hands, wished each other good luck with future undertakings and we bid farewell. as Rob put it in his speech, six months is certainly enough time to feel 'placed' in a place, enough time to associate yourself with things surrounding, and enough time to always miss home. i think he's right. for had this program been offered for a year, i would apply for PR and not come back at all. HAHA!

all of the things we want each other to be,

we never will be..we never will be.

the sky is silvery

no fluffy clouds

it might rain

storms rumbling loud.

this is the best kind of weather. just the way i like it. the moments before the rain pours. the view of the hills with shades of grey and green, is magnificent. how can i ever leave this place?

'tis the season to be jolly (and boros).

well, well. it's already the 6th of November. almost the end of the year. my most favourite months - november and december. just plainly because many festivals are during this time of the year, and holidays are longest. and everybody, well almost everyone, gets to let their hair down and relax after a whole year of busting asses and working mega hard. it's the time of the year for celebrations - particularly for me..and my brother. we often get extra "keraian" cause our birthdays usually get celebrated together, along with the family vacations (cause it's school holidays), but no presents should be expected. talk about 3in1. semua benda nak roll into one. nak jimat la katakan.

"ha, sape punya birthday lagi bulan sebelas dengan bulan doblas?"
"hah gabung sekali dengan doa selamat Atok"
"Zizah (my mother), kita pegi vacay nak? celebrate sekali birthday budak2 ni. Pegi jungle trekking la. pastu picnic."
"eh, i nak buat putung jambul baby i la. ok la, u bawa je la kek kat my house."
"no no no (hand gesture). apa kata, YOU bawak baby you kat muar so kita potong jambul, pastu kenduri doa selamat sekali, and celebrate their birthday terus. esok kita convoy la pegi FRIM."

sounds like a perfect plan. every single year. haih, nak kata rimas best jugak cause the more the merrier. but during my schooling days, i never get the chance to celebrate with my school friends. we are all scattered around the whole of malaysia (boarding school), and my birthday always falls on school holidays, where everyone will go back to their hometown. except for 2004. they did an advanced surprise birthday bash for me at school during the SPM.

and for some, it is the Christmas and End of the Year SALE that they've been waiting for! gee, i wish i hadn't spend so much on food. and then all of the frenzy will be closed with the New Year's celebration, to say adieu to the year we have had and to greet the new upcoming year. very poetic moments there usually.

but regardless, i enjoy this time of the year. i dont want the end to end!! (haha. ironic)

i need an energy drink lah. rasa macam puasa pula. baik puasa. i had a huge breakfast - toasts with scramble and cheese, peanut butter and chocolate spread waffle, an orange and air teh. haaaah, that's what i call perfect, hearty breakfast. kadang-kadang i add maggi goreng on the menu. hasta la vista baby! (gila arnie the terminator). perut ku pun semakin membuncit. in conjunction with xmas la kan. can you say Santa's belly? hello? lol.

Good job man. now make us proud

"While we breathe, we hope."

President Barack Obama, 2008

[first presidential speech]

Congratulations, Obama. Tomorrow is a new beginning, for you and the people. Hopefully you will execute and perform during your term as president and do something right. Don't let the hopes the people had trust you with die. Whatever you do from this point on, will matter.

p/s: i wish i can congratulate you in person. he he he

i like my toast buttered

i am tired. not physically, though. my soul is bruised; felt like i just got beaten up really badly. anyway, let's just hope tomorrow brings something better.

something-better. it somehow sounds smaller and less impossible as a noun.

give me a somethingbetter. haha. i like that.

the you in you

"What's underneath all the clothes, Brooke Davis?"

-One Tree Hill-

why is it utterly important for us to feel belonged? not necessarily belong, however. whichever ways, the sense of being in a group or society makes us feel less of a stigma. surely, but to what extend are we willing to go just to end up following and being in a group? i gathered that it is probably the security of being with unsecured others that makes one crave of it.

of course, our memberships beckon who we are, or rather, who we want to be and be seen as. for instance, some pushed their way to break the rich and famous society and be one of them, or some others may starve themselves to death just to be one of the gazilion beautiful people in the world. however, this may deviate the perceptions of others to one's true self, even him.

often times we tried so hard to be someone else that we are not and tried our hardest to believe that we can be and we are who we want to be and we think we can fool the rest of the world. we might, for a given time. but alas we forget; there will always be someone who knows us to the very core - ourselves. anybody can be fooled but not you.

so take a second and stand in front of your bathroom mirror, and take a good look of yourself. who is that person staring at you? is he who he thinks he is? does the group he belongs to provide him the comfort and the security he craves for? is he ever ashamed of who he is? will he be who he is without everything but him?

this moment, you can never feel more alone and vulnerable. self-confrontations will strip you off everything and make you see what lies underneath all that. Dolly Parton said, "find out who you are, and do it on purpose." for once, i thought she was smart.

tepukan buat encik dolphin kita!

entah la. secara tiba-tiba hatiku berputik melihat kelibat Josh Hartnett. Filem ni memang telah berjaya membuatkan aku tertarik bukan sahaja pada watak yang dibawa oleh beliau, tapi juga pada diri beliau yang sebenar kerana sanggup berkorban banyak demi filem dan watak tersebut. Sebelum ni memang ada sedikit rasa tertarik semasa menonton filem lucky number slevin dulu. tapi sekarang perasaan ku lebih kukuh. Lantas:

i lap yuh josh!

weather: 13 - 28 degrees. mostly sunny

today has been less than productive. i hang around in front of the lappie (watched GG back to back, since apparently everyone has watched it except me) and took a short walk to the park just now. that was quite a breather. i know this is whiny and cliche, but assignments are abundance and im nowhere close to getting it done.



two presentations up for next week. one about that guy, Ron Brooks and his renowned illustrations in picture books. another about language.



i could so use some entertainment right now, not in the mood for entertaining though. i just wish i could do one thing for now: kidnap Suri. pretty please? Cuteness personified.







come, come to Momma!

just another person at the bar

You're such a deep, deep man. Am i too selfish to ask for you back?

he loves santana

certain songs made you remember certain moments or vice versa. i just finished reading Where in the World, about a boy who has special musical talents and how his memory is dependant on music. he composed songs based on his feelings towards certain incidents. and different places reminded him of certain music.

im now reminded of the year after my schooling days. the year 2005. i just listened to Work by jimmy eat world and my mind instantly went back to those days. just absolute ordinariness. absolute mediocrity. absolutely nothing.

sigh. i like those innocent days.





p/s: missing my dad's corny jokes. (now listening to santana)

i gave two shillings to the two guys busking techno dance music

goodness. these past two nights, i've been watching movies like hell. as if a compensation for the past few months that i've missed out. good ol' chick flicks. hmm. last two nights, the moon was ridiculously huge. it was full and super bright and very low, as if it was falling on the horizons slowly. the clock on my mobile showed 7.35pm and the sky was purple and pink. so you could imagine how it looked like. and heck, it was because of the romantique ambience the moon has set out that made me and Eani walked the mile to Civic Vid to rent some dvds. on the way back, we saw a few people standing outside their houses, gazing at the moon. yeap, it was a hit with couples that night i bet.

so that was it about the moon. on the way back, we found a beautiful blue and white bicycle laying in front of somebody's house. it has no gear, no brakes and flat tyres, but it was such a beautiful bike that we took it home with us and i rode it for a while. it took all my might as the tyres were both flat. by the time we got home, my knees were wobbly like jelly on heat and i slept half way through Made of Honour. the only thing i like about the movie was the background songs when the were in Scotland. the songs made me fight my sticky eyelids, but then i surrendered and was in slumber in no time.

i am now in for a mini break as the toughest assignment in human history was done and submitted on tuesday. me and safa can now officially sigh a huge sigh of relief and relax for a bit. it was literature and it was the most torturous assignment EVER! after some surprisingly extreme remarks during the course of three days (saturday, sunday, monday) that were exchanged amongst us (i.e. "weh aku rasa cam nak bunuh diri skang ni. tu je cara yg kita ada", "ko tak rasa ke Gypsy tu gila.dia suka torture student kot", "ok cuba ko pikir, apa motif assignment ni? ni mass killing ar. cuma dia wat subtly xnak autho tau"), it is now safe to say that although assignments in for next week and the weeks after that, but once that particular monstrousity had been done, we are Free People now!

*doing hoola dance*

tatie the tagger

tatie tag aku lagi sekali, dia ni memang rajin bab2 begini. haha. ok tatie, ni aku buat.

My Top 10 Fave Food
1. roti planta
2. nasi goreng kampung (ada kangkung)
3. kombinasi nasi putih, telur goreng berminyak gila, kuah asam pedas
4. meltz kfc
5. dry salad (resipi izrul)
6. anything mexican, esp. burritos
7. lauk kampung
8. desserts! --> soufle, eclairs, everything chocolate and ice-cream
9. old school hot dog with lots of mustard
10. pasta or pizza with meted cheese flooding across the top

10 things i love doing
1. hanging out and just talk
2. collecting worthy stuff
3. sing in the shower (or just about anywhere)
4. travel
5. sit quietly and look around
6. annoy people
7. talking bimbo
8. getting to know people
9. being surprised
10. finding unique qualities

5 types of girls that i adore
1. respectful towards members of the same sex
2. girls who rock
3. girls just being girls
4. girls with disabilities but make it through (okaaay, im outta ideas here)
5. obviously, girls who are my friends

5 things i love doing when im feeling down
1. eat
2. read
3. write
4. talk
5. music

5 things i love doing when im happy
1. sing
2. talk
3. joke
4. laugh and smile and laugh and smile
5. make others happy too

10 ways to win my heart
1. dont have to be consciously wanting to win my heart (im not a piece of meat. hahahaha)
2. take me as who i already am
3. respect me and others in my life
4. treat me as you want to be treated
5. honest. no hidden motives
6. i guess thats all?

top 5 fave junk food
1. super ring
2. keropok durian
3. smith's thin cut: sour cream and onion flavour
4. doritos
5. nachos

5 things i wish could happen soon
1. the end of massacres. and bloodbaths
2. done assignments
3. summer time!
4. finding out how my child looks like (erk?)
5. tahap moksha

10 ridiculous things i wish to do before i die
1. get married (it can be ridiculous. hehe)
2. go hunting
3. learn to body surf (its ridiculously tough!)
4. join war (see whats the fuss is all about)
5. run for election and join parliament
6. have a chat with pak lah without him falling asleep
7. meet borat
8. join a riot or picket that uses fire
9. learn to dance
10. eat all i want without having to worry

top 10 recently most addicted songs
1. give a little love
2. shake it
3. just dance
4. angeles
5. twilight
6. between the bars
7. blitzkrieg bop
8. vampire
9. anything reggae
10. folk and country

10 things i want to tag
1. bert
2. azzam
3. liyana
4. hafriz
5. wawa
6. dierdre
7. zaza
8. zen
9. anyone reading this
10. yes, you!

we climb to fall

sometimes that hard slap on your face is just what you needed. falling down is never a bad thing, it teaches you reality - that the pedestal you're on is after all, made to be burnt down. a kick in the butt is exactly the kind of push you wish somebody would give you, just so you know how far, you can bounce forward. it is, in fact, a painful process. and its the best part of all, when you can finally give yourself a pat in the back, after all that.

here's a tip:

if you're falling and you know it, navigate.

make the black clouds disappear

astaghfirullah. life can be really short.

just these few days, i had some people who are close to me, or to someone i know die.

condolences to nurrizan harun's family.

condolences to fatin hamizah and her family.

and also, another important figure in my life, the one person who has helped me go through long journeys in buses and trains and LRTs and walks and jogs with his serenading music and soothing voice all through the four years i have been listening to him, Elliot Smith.

i can't believe i just found out that he had actually died in 2003 at the age of 34. he is still young and budding, how can he be taken away? i am yet to hear more of him, when it all came too soon. listening to him playing the soft, simple, bare-naked Angeles will never be the same anymore, definitely. i would have a vision of that wonderful, piercing (though not intermidating) eyes of his and it would then slowly fade away. i would listen to him strum the strings of his guitar and i would feel like sitting next to him and just listen.

his distinctive voice, how can i ever begin to describe that "whispery, spider-web thin" voice he wore so humble and full of love? as if listening to a baby cry, the sound so far, yet so loud. especially to know that he was dealing with depression and drinking problems and drugs, his songs now made perfect sense, like he was trying to reach out. but that scary thought of him having two stabs into the chest, (which was said might be self-inflicted) that certainly changed the way i listen to his songs.

he is my all-time favourite singer/songwriter. EVER. and my favourite tracks by this songbird are:

Angeles

(the best. now i know what the "trade" and "evil" is all about)

Between the Bars

("drink up"...)

Twilight

(this is very, very close to my heart. esp now that he's not around)

oh god. i feel like crying. man. this is really bad. like a kid who just found out that Santa isn't real. he always made me feel like crying listening to his songs. now, im really going to cry. especially on the long route from mawson lakes to the city on thursdays.

"sometimes there are songs you just wished you had written".

That is the only way to describe his songs. beautiful and honest. a masterpiece often over-looked.

But he's still my favourite guy.

He always will be.

May you rest in peace, Steven Paul 'Elliot' Smith. Always.