.a (three, actually) sin.

situation: i stole a magazine of Christian understanding from a clinic in town.
reason: there was an article on the Armour of God that i need to finish reading and suddenly it was already time to go. because of my deep drive to seek knowledge, stealing seemed to be the best option.

sin (1): stealing is a crime.
sin (2): something 'religious' was stolen.
sin (3): the venue of the crime was inappropriate.

resolution: i regretted the action and vowed not to commit any of the above sins.

harlem

what happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry uplike a raisin in the sun?
or fester like a sore --
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
or crust and sugar over --
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

or does it explode?

a prayer

never at all a second gone,
without me crying and mourn,
i pray humbly to you.. God,
to save me from this treacherous lot.

They preach kindness,
but they practice it not.
They ask for peace,
but war is what they sought.
They sing for love,
but to love back they won't.
They kill their brothers,
to unite as one they don't.

oh, the Most Merciful!
let go of my hands never,
save me from all these Fools,
save me today --and forever.



writer's note: the poet wrote this when she felt that the world is a big hipocricy and not less than a contradiction. nobody else is better at keeping the world and the people at bay than Him. and because of that, she communicated with Him in the hopes that the world would be a better place, at least, before it ends once and for all.

*this is a private property of theroyalcrapster.

what i want

what do i want?
what do i want?
what do i want?

i want peace.

in my mind --
in my land, and
in my soul.

time flies

very recently, i had a craving - not in the form of food or things, however a feeling of wanting to meet people that i've long forgotten about. i found an album full of my high school pictures - specifically, those of my form 1 year. i've been looking for this particular album for ages but failed to be detected. haha. now, i just missed all of them (my f1 classmates)!!

we all looked so young and innocent. with perculiar poses and the 'peace' sign can be seen in 8 out of 10 pictures. how cute. the good old days..

i guess, for me to meet again with all of them, especially the ones im not very close to, is really difficult. almost impossible. how i wished i had known them better.

when i looked at those pictures, with some of the people i couldnt remember the names and teachers i forgot they ever taught me, i thought to myself "hmm, how time flies.."

the sad fact is, u didnt even notice when time passes by.

yesterday

fa came to my house yesterday, after i sent my sister (lia) to sekolah agama. well, it wasnt planned, just that we both felt really bored, so she decided to come to my house. she came, and we had a mini jam. i played some songs on the piano and sang. fa sang too.

then i played some of fa's songs and mine. and that's when we both decided to really get serious with the songs. cause honest to goodness, they were kind of good. haha. well, sing-a-longable. kah2.

however she forgot to bring her guitar along, so we couldnt realy work it out. now im working on the intro of one (untitled) song. hope it come out okay.

morningstar

I saw a star beneath the stairs glowing through the melting walls. Who will be the first to begin their fall? Or will we become one? Am I the star beneath the stairs? Am I a ghost upon the stage? Am I your anything? I saw a star beneath the stairs glowing bright before descent and in the morning there is nothing left but what's inside of me. And I don't want to die tonight; will you believe in me? And I don't want to fall into the light. Will you wish upon? Will you walk upon me? I don't want to die tonight. Will you believe in me?

ordinary day

today i woke up, watched martha stewart on telly, spent a little time worrying about the paper tomorrow, then took a shower, got worried again and then went for brunch.

life couldnt be anymore normal than that. i love life!

yeah right..

i dont expect anything fun for the rest of the day, but couldnt wait for the whole finals to over. four down, two more to go. yea baby!

then i can start planning my social life, get reunited with some of my dear peeps, organize myself and probably waste the rest of the holiday staring into space.

huh, it's been such a long time.

cant wait :)

just blurbs 1

what u feel you are is what you really are..i think.

just blurbs 2

there's so many of us.so many people who look, act, talk and dress like me.and you. yet, i am an individual. we are individuals. everyone is their own person.

gobsmacked!

i wanted to write something, but it suddenly didnt come out. shit. i have no idea what the freak is going on up there (in my brain). alright then, it'll have to be later i guess. ugh. i seriously hate it. another case of short-term memory. nak kena makan kismis banyak-banyak nih. biar memory kasi kuat sket. patutlah sejarah pmr dulu dpt B. hish, kecoh..kecoh.

new year, new me?

new year, new me..? take a second to laugh at that statement. i dont bloody think solah. it's very difficult. this year im turning 20 and it's scarying me (though we know it's not like its gonna kill me). shoot. i have soo many things to be done yet before it's all too late. argh. no pressures! super. now i have to go organize my all-messy, shrubby life. where do i start? oh. i need an organizer.

unjustifiable

why do men think they can justify death? i question the same thing as mel gibson in the patriot. if everyone has the same mindset - to kill a person in order to justify the death that the person has committed - then everyone would have been dead by now.

it looks fair to some. maybe that's why they implemented the death penalty for murderers and the likes. when you kill someone, then you got killed. vice versa. then the executioner should be killed too, as he killed the killer that killed the person who was killed by him. got what i mean?
so i suggest that we should think this matter over. as it will give a certain euphorical feeling. like u get to solve the da vinci code or something. but it is an important matter. just that no one really give a thought about it.

thus, give me some feedbacks on this.

why do men think they can justify death?

just blurbs 6 : you feel it, but you dont

i had to laugh. i just had to. sometimes, (most of the times actually) i was too confused with myself that laughter is the only thing that'll resolve everything. like, bringing a climax to the whole drama. hahahahaha (there you go, still laughing)

or is it just me. maybe it's within me, biologically. maybe if you drop into a series of unstoppable laughter, (for no particular reason, be it reasonable or not) you're in some kind of a disease. sheesh. the laughter syndrome.

confusion and laughter. great combo. hahaha (still laughing, but mentally though coz people are staring).

you know, i got confused over some trivial, most microscopic stuff. i feel it, but i dont. or rather, i feel it, but i dont like the feeling.

rephrase please. i feel it, i like it, but i dont want commitment.that's more like it. now i should stop laughing.hahahaahahaha.

i can't. it's just euphorical. there's a solution!

just blurbs 4: when you wish for too much

you can dream, you can wish. you can hope for everything in the world to be yours. but be careful not to be hurt by what you dream for. cause you might just not get it. even if you do, it doesn't guarantee you'd be the happiest man alive. maybe yes, but maybe not for long. you can wish as much as you want. just don't wish for too much. somebody might get hurt.

just blurbs 3: when you're not who you are

when are you not who you are? several varied situations.

now or never

I watch the morning dawn upon your skin
A splinter in the light
It caught and frayed the very heart of us
It's been hiding there inside for all this time
How a sure thing winds up just like this
Clockwork silence only knows
And it's no one's fault
There's no black and white
Only you and me
On this endless night
And as the hours run away
With another life
Oh, darling can't you see
It's now or never
It's now or never
Sleeping anxious still at 3 am
We're trying far too hard
The tattered thought balloons above our heads
Sinking in the weight of all we need to sayWhy's and what if's have since long played out
Left us short on happy endings
And it's no one's fault
There's no black and white
Only you and me
On this endless night
And as the hours run away
With another life
Oh, darling can't you see
It's now or never
It's now or never
You know that there's so much more
And it's no one's fault
There's no black and white
Only you and me
On our final night
And as the hours run away
With another life
Oh, darling can't you see
It's now or never
It's now or never


p/s: i luv the words, i just had to put it here. by josh groban

i just talked to a person who thinks he was being judged. clearly, the name can not be revealed for confidential purposes. he is not straight but has a really kind heart. he decided to take part in donating some blood at the campaign the other day.

however, the person at the registration counter refuse to let him donate cause he has the tendency to get HIV/AIDS. i know that might be true. but brushing him off like he's some kind of a walking disease is totally not appropriate.

she should let him know properly of the reasons why he couldn't and should next time take off the sceptical look from her (oops) face.

basically, im just an advocate for my poor friend, which i know has been hurt many times with people who does not have a sense of sensitivity in them.

for you, my friend, just take a deep breath and move on. you chose to be the way you are and therefore you have to swallow the sweet and bitter. anything, gimme a buzz.

all that i've got - the used

So deep, that it didn't even bleed and catch me Off guard, red handed Now I'm far from lonely Asleep I still see you lying next to me So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I... I need something else would Someone please just give me Hit me and knock me out And let me go back to sleep I can laugh All I want inside I still am empty So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I... I'll be just fine Pretending I'm not I'm far from lonely And it's all that I've got I guess, I remember every glance you shot me Un-harmed, im losing weight and some body heat I squoze so hard I stopped your heart from beating So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me, I.... I'll be just fine Pretending I'm not I'm far from lonely And it's all that I've got And it's all that I've got Yeah, it's all that I've got It's all that I've got It's all that I've got! So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me I'll be just fine Pretending I'm not I'm far from lonely and it's all that I've got And it's all that I've got Yeah, it's all that I've got

alfie made me wonder

i was watching 'alfie' when it occured in my mind about the people around me. how much they've sacrificed for my sake, how tolerable they've been with my antics and shortcomings, how they've seen my imperfections as a gift that only i have..

all these thoughts made me realized how thankful i should be. yes, people come and go. but they have certainly left a mark. some came for a very short while and disappear as soon as a blink of an eye - but left the greatest impact. some stayed for a very long time - like the time i would take to finish my vegetables, but affect me just a little bit. how i would explain the 'impact' is totally subjective according to my preferences.

i've wondered a lot about "jodoh dan pertemuan". like if someone i would always, but eventually meet out of the blue is truly someone i should give more attention to, if you get what i mean. or if someone who has always been by my side possibly means nothing to me..just a matter of geographical factors. like im close to that person because i only have him/her, or because i really want to be close to that person, have mutual connections.

i've wondered if a friend can be called a friend. or should only be called acquaintance, because he/she don't really play a role as a friend - just there because of a situation,coincidentally. i really don't know how to explain this.ugh. then, would i be friendless? maybe i have many acquaintances but no friends. or maybe the other way around. or none of both. nada. zilch.
geez.this sucked,my mind suggested.

i've wondered the answers for the questions. but ended up eating Tesco potato chips while starring into space. my mouth chewing on auto-pilot.

like 'alfie', i guess the answers will just come along by itself. time is what i have plenty of, and my journey's just beginning. i'll leave the questions as it is for now.