cant wait till it's time to get out of this hell!!

i shall not freak out. especially when it IS the perfect time to freak out. workload is surmountably huge, it simply sounds ridiculous. man, i wish i had a few more hands and brains.

no.

maybe i should wish for less work.

as of this moment, i have a bunch of things to be done and submitted TODAY, but i'l resort to this.

for crapping is my only solace.

(i want to laugh my heart out now! -- just to ease the tense)

ambulances' sirens

i heard the ambulance from my bedroom last night. and i wondered, who could that person be? i wondered if it was someone i know. or someone who i have met before. sometimes when i hear the ambulance passing by i would imagine myself at the place of the person being rushed off to the hospital.

would anyone have wondered if it was me inside?

heck, we're human

right this moment, there's nothing else i'd rather be than myself. there are many shortcomings, but heck, we're human. to change a person's temperament is not an easy thing to do, but yes, we can try. i know, i am all i'll ever be - but i can try.

there are no special things

there are no special things.

only normal things looking like magic.

miracles. do they exist?

time will tell. how much time do i have left?

i should wait. am i patient?

give me a hint. i cant tell.

belief. i do have.

faith. checked.
...
im good.

life's not complicated

a good old friend of mine called last night..and it was very awkward at first. weird cause he never called me. after some time of junking (we coined that word) finally he said he is going through some kind of a problem. and need some time off. nway, point is, he left me pondering on his final advice before he hung up. he said:

"life is not complicated. we are."

which is sort of true. i found myself believing in those words. some things are very obvious and simple, but we tend to complexify it. yes, yes. very true.

maybe this principle might help me to be more optimistic about things.

thank you, man.

it isnt fair

it's not fair. it's not fair and it will never be. how can you feel obliged to return someone's love when you don't actually have to?

happiness

is it important to be happy? i used to think it isnt, but i soon learned that it is primarily essential. everyday, it is a common view we see where people laugh and smile with friends and families, but how do we know if they are happy? does it show through facial expressions and words? or is it intrinsic, a feeling that only the person knows?

being happy is important. my dad always ask me about my career choices. and his advice before pursuing a goal would be to deliberate the most fundamental question : "do i want to be rich or happy?". from the point you answer that, the journey's half completed.
happiness is a priceless sensation. you may be going through the worst time of your life, or a major bad hair day, but it is possible to feel happy despite of that. when you are happy, bad things are fragranced.

happiness is constant. but it is also a phase. it might be extreme, but most of the times it is moderate. happy people dont go around putting a huge smile on their faces. they might be wearing a blank expression, but their hearts are spilling with happiness that others couldnt see. that excess happiness is spread to people around them and that is why, happy people attracts people. they share their bliss.

most people get confused. they think they are happy, but the fact is, they are not. what they are feeling, is not happiness, but comfort. dont jumble up between being comfortable and happy. you may think they are similar, but they look different, they are spelled differently, and they totally feel different.

currently, i have so many problems to settle, so many things to do, so many issues to think of. things turn from bad to worse. i dont have everything i wanted. but i do have something. i think i am happy.

so, is it really that important to be happy?

oh, yes.

.a (three, actually) sin.

situation: i stole a magazine of Christian understanding from a clinic in town.
reason: there was an article on the Armour of God that i need to finish reading and suddenly it was already time to go. because of my deep drive to seek knowledge, stealing seemed to be the best option.

sin (1): stealing is a crime.
sin (2): something 'religious' was stolen.
sin (3): the venue of the crime was inappropriate.

resolution: i regretted the action and vowed not to commit any of the above sins.

harlem

what happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry uplike a raisin in the sun?
or fester like a sore --
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
or crust and sugar over --
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

or does it explode?

a prayer

never at all a second gone,
without me crying and mourn,
i pray humbly to you.. God,
to save me from this treacherous lot.

They preach kindness,
but they practice it not.
They ask for peace,
but war is what they sought.
They sing for love,
but to love back they won't.
They kill their brothers,
to unite as one they don't.

oh, the Most Merciful!
let go of my hands never,
save me from all these Fools,
save me today --and forever.



writer's note: the poet wrote this when she felt that the world is a big hipocricy and not less than a contradiction. nobody else is better at keeping the world and the people at bay than Him. and because of that, she communicated with Him in the hopes that the world would be a better place, at least, before it ends once and for all.

*this is a private property of theroyalcrapster.

what i want

what do i want?
what do i want?
what do i want?

i want peace.

in my mind --
in my land, and
in my soul.

time flies

very recently, i had a craving - not in the form of food or things, however a feeling of wanting to meet people that i've long forgotten about. i found an album full of my high school pictures - specifically, those of my form 1 year. i've been looking for this particular album for ages but failed to be detected. haha. now, i just missed all of them (my f1 classmates)!!

we all looked so young and innocent. with perculiar poses and the 'peace' sign can be seen in 8 out of 10 pictures. how cute. the good old days..

i guess, for me to meet again with all of them, especially the ones im not very close to, is really difficult. almost impossible. how i wished i had known them better.

when i looked at those pictures, with some of the people i couldnt remember the names and teachers i forgot they ever taught me, i thought to myself "hmm, how time flies.."

the sad fact is, u didnt even notice when time passes by.

yesterday

fa came to my house yesterday, after i sent my sister (lia) to sekolah agama. well, it wasnt planned, just that we both felt really bored, so she decided to come to my house. she came, and we had a mini jam. i played some songs on the piano and sang. fa sang too.

then i played some of fa's songs and mine. and that's when we both decided to really get serious with the songs. cause honest to goodness, they were kind of good. haha. well, sing-a-longable. kah2.

however she forgot to bring her guitar along, so we couldnt realy work it out. now im working on the intro of one (untitled) song. hope it come out okay.

morningstar

I saw a star beneath the stairs glowing through the melting walls. Who will be the first to begin their fall? Or will we become one? Am I the star beneath the stairs? Am I a ghost upon the stage? Am I your anything? I saw a star beneath the stairs glowing bright before descent and in the morning there is nothing left but what's inside of me. And I don't want to die tonight; will you believe in me? And I don't want to fall into the light. Will you wish upon? Will you walk upon me? I don't want to die tonight. Will you believe in me?

ordinary day

today i woke up, watched martha stewart on telly, spent a little time worrying about the paper tomorrow, then took a shower, got worried again and then went for brunch.

life couldnt be anymore normal than that. i love life!

yeah right..

i dont expect anything fun for the rest of the day, but couldnt wait for the whole finals to over. four down, two more to go. yea baby!

then i can start planning my social life, get reunited with some of my dear peeps, organize myself and probably waste the rest of the holiday staring into space.

huh, it's been such a long time.

cant wait :)

just blurbs 1

what u feel you are is what you really are..i think.

just blurbs 2

there's so many of us.so many people who look, act, talk and dress like me.and you. yet, i am an individual. we are individuals. everyone is their own person.

gobsmacked!

i wanted to write something, but it suddenly didnt come out. shit. i have no idea what the freak is going on up there (in my brain). alright then, it'll have to be later i guess. ugh. i seriously hate it. another case of short-term memory. nak kena makan kismis banyak-banyak nih. biar memory kasi kuat sket. patutlah sejarah pmr dulu dpt B. hish, kecoh..kecoh.

new year, new me?

new year, new me..? take a second to laugh at that statement. i dont bloody think solah. it's very difficult. this year im turning 20 and it's scarying me (though we know it's not like its gonna kill me). shoot. i have soo many things to be done yet before it's all too late. argh. no pressures! super. now i have to go organize my all-messy, shrubby life. where do i start? oh. i need an organizer.

unjustifiable

why do men think they can justify death? i question the same thing as mel gibson in the patriot. if everyone has the same mindset - to kill a person in order to justify the death that the person has committed - then everyone would have been dead by now.

it looks fair to some. maybe that's why they implemented the death penalty for murderers and the likes. when you kill someone, then you got killed. vice versa. then the executioner should be killed too, as he killed the killer that killed the person who was killed by him. got what i mean?
so i suggest that we should think this matter over. as it will give a certain euphorical feeling. like u get to solve the da vinci code or something. but it is an important matter. just that no one really give a thought about it.

thus, give me some feedbacks on this.

why do men think they can justify death?