of old friends

My hair smelt of smoke from the ciggie lit by my friend. It has been almost two years since I met and catched up with her. We first met each other on the first day of orientation day at our Uni and were just out of school.

That was 5 years ago. Things have radically changed. She still looked quite the same, but somehow, the things she went through made her look more matured. I listened attentively to the anecdotes that she passionately told me - her life was a mess. She is now picking herself back up, and looking pretty good.

I actually like listening to life stories from people. I learn a lot from them. Her friends later came to join, and I ordered myself another cup of iced mocha. The stories continued.

What I like about meeting old friends is that, no matter how long you haven't met each other, you can always pick up where you left everytime you meet. We weren't as close as we would like to be, but we are consistently checking up on each other.

I last called her on her birthday this year, and decided to ring her up again today, just randomly. Just as spontaneous as the phone call was, we decided to meet up after breaking fast. The venue was not a problem - The Usual Place, as we call it.

It was one of the successful impromptu plans we have ever made. Usually, somebody would be asking for a raincheck, and it would be months before we make another plan.

I foresee many more random meetings such as this, and it is quite refreshing to be able to let off some steam once in a while with old and warm friends - they get your jokes, hehe.

pulling my heartstrings

How can i possibly forget Korea?

I was checking my e-mail this morning, and this is what I received from my Korean friend:

Photo quality is not so good, as she probably took it with her camera phone.

But that aside, look at how cute the "tears" are!! so comical!!

She had a letter she attached together with this photo, but I ain't gonna put it up here. For my eyes only haha.

Sigh. Damn, I wish I can stay in Korea longer.

and yet, again.

him: you're naturally a happy person.
her: heh? no, but i'm always sad.
him: you like happy songs.
her: no, i like sad songs too.
him: yes, the sad songs you like have depressing lyrics but, they have happy tunes.
her: oh. i never noticed things like that about myself.
him: i know.. but i do.

*insert happy background music*

:)

Good to be home.

I am back from Seoul, Korea. I arrived pretty late last night, and my brain and my body just refused to function anymore. I walked and walked and climbed stairs the whole time I was in Korea.

So the only option I had was to just sleep. Thankfully, my manager allowed me to work from home today.

As I am writing this, I hear my mom humming to the faint sound of the radio in the kitchen; she's cleaning something up. My dad just woke up, and suddenly walked straight to the laundry basket to find a key (wth). Me, I am in my pajamas facing the window looking out. Sunny.

Something feels really homey.

Although I really miss every single memory and all the new friends I made in Korea (and a few particular people tihihi), I think it's good to be home. I have cushioned whatever troubles I had before leaving, and now I am comforted.

The people and things that I love most are here. It is good to be home.


p/s: updates on all things Korea coming up (sooner or later haha).

when i leave, i won't come back.

pursuit of loneliness

All the lonely people -

Where do they all come from?

-Lennon and McCartney

Currently reading The Pursuit of Loneliness by Philip Slater. 

A very old book, published in 1970, sometime around the Revolution. The author found that most people during this time invested so much of everything they have for the sake of self development and for their country, that finally after all that, they found themselves feeling lonely. 

So the author inferred that most people would then rather just be mediocre and earn as they need, as long as they have somebody else to enjoy it with. I guess that was when everybody turned hippie.

I found the book at my Atok's house; stashed underneath some other heavy books in an antique wooden cupboard. The smell of old books has always fascinated me.

I haven't been reading it consistently; it has been in stages. And I always find it difficult to adjust again to the way the book is written - using economy, politics and history to reveal the simplest of human necessity: a sense of belonging. 

Slater provides with remarkable historical events that supports his ideas of how each and everyone of us, are actually in the pursuit of loneliness (rather than 'happiness').

I am still reading it now.

So what can I say. I guess it was, and still is, a lonely world out there.

changed for good

Who cares if he is gay? I'm totally in love with Sam.

"I've heard it said,

That people come into our lives for a reason

Bringing something we must learn

And we are led

To those who help us most to grow

If we let them

And we help them in return.

Well, I don't know if I believe that's true

But I know I'm who I am today

Because I knew you... "

"It well may be..

That we will never meet again

In this lifetime

So let me say before we part

So much of me

Is made of what I learned from you

You'll be with me

Like a handprint on my heart

And now whatever way our stories end

I know you have re-written mine

By being my friend... "

"Who can say, if I have changed for the better?

But because I knew you,

I have been changed, for good.."

I like Sam's expressions in this cover. Very accurate to the feel of the song. My tearduct nearly burst with overwhelming emotions. And the words, well, what can I say, I might take it too deep, but this is how I feel.

 

Goosebumps? ditto.

 

 

Song: For Good

Original by: Wicked

Cover by: Sam Tsui, Kurt Hugo and Nick Pitera

quote-to-go

"Only as high as I reach can I grow,

only as far as I seek can I go,

only as deep as I look can I see,

only as much as I dream can I be"

- Karen Ravn

would you rather be a guy?

If guys cheat and/or sleep around,
He will be celebrated and looked up to by his friends, they show him respect.

People will say to him: "You're the man!!" or "He's hot!!" (somehow it's coz he scored a lot).

The more girls he is/was with, the higher his status is, especially in other men's eyes.

If girls cheat and/or sleep around,
She will be bitched about, and often times, lose respect.

People will say to her: "She's a slut" or  "What a whore" and also be called "Loose".

The more guys she is/was with, the more she is seen as the above (refer previous statement).

Not complaining, just stating the obvious.

sebenarnya tak perlu pun post ni tapi nak juga

Aku ni kalau nak bercerita bab cinta, humph, tak perlu lah. Aku lah orang paling loser, paling tak ada harapan dan paling atrocious dalam bidang nih. Kalau ada lah jual buku 'Love for Dummies' dah tentu aku terus beli buat rujukan. atau kalau ada Bachelors Degree ke Diploma ke, sijil ke, aku confirm enrol jadi student.

Tapi bila difikir balik, kalau aku belajar sampai mati pun pasal cinta nih, tak mungkin aku akan pass bahagian amali. (eh eh, bukan amali part making love, tapi amali untuk love and be loved and everything in between lah, macam relationship ke, haram jadah semua tu lah). Part teori tu aku rasa mampu juga lah nak score, walaupun RAM aku kecil je. (aku tak biasa menghafal macam rote learning tuh, aku lebih kepada mengingat fakta secara abstrak - yang ternyata masih kurang berkesan)

Entah lah, kadang-kadang tu aku ada juga rasa macam penat, macam malas nya aku nak get involved dengan benda-benda ni semua. Tapi aku pasti, kau semua tahu yang cinta ni macam dadah! Sangat best bila 'high', tapi bila low tuh rasa macam loji kumbahan. Ia mampu membuatkan orang gian, dan bila sampai part 'high' tuh, orang dah tak peduli tentang perasaan bila low. Dan aku yang kerdil ini pun tidak terkecuali.

"Apa yang orang kecoh-kecoh sangat pasal benda nih?" si Aku bertanya pada dirinya sendiri. Entah lah, jangan tanya aku, aku tak layak jawab. Apa kata kita tanya bibik jiran aku yang selalu sahaja aku nampak berjalan ke kedai membeli topup Maxis 5ringgit lepas tu bergayut kat belakang rumah dia atas buai. (Mentang-mentang lah majikan tak ada kat rumah, ko nak smexayy smexayy slutty slutty kat telefon. Dia tak tahu aku nampak)

Walaupun aku pasti kariernya sebagai bibik bukanlah karier idaman, dan selalu sahaja diherdik dan disuruh membuat perkara-perkara radikal dan jijiks oleh si majikan, dan selalu dipandang rendah oleh masyarakat sekeliling, namun at the end of those rough days, dia ada sepasang bahu untuk menangis atas (atau dalam bahasa penjajahnya, 'a shoulder to cry on'). Dia ada seseorang untuk mengadu domba, dan merintih kasih (eceh). Dia ada orang yang akan mendengar segala celoteh jawa pekatnya, dan memberinya pep talk untuk terus menyapu daun-daun kering yang akan gugur endlessly di laman rumah majikannya itu. Dia ada pembakar semangat.

Kalau nak buat perhitungan:

Pekerjaan: Aku -1, Bibiklicious - 0 [kalau ikut skala yang ditetapkan oleh masyarakat sejagat]
Money: Aku - 1, Bibiklicious - 0 [sebab aku tau duit dia selalu habis kat topup]
Friends: Aku - 1, Bibiklicious - 0 [hey come on, kawan-kawan aku semua cool kot. Kitorang lepak NZ, diorang lepak padang je]
Family: Aku - 1, Bibiklicious - 1 [draw lah, sebab aku dengar anak-anak dia kat seberang muka cam Rangga]
Love life: Aku - 0, Bibiklicious - 100 [aku rasa bila dia break up pun, dia terus dapat pengganti the next day]

The verdict: Aku - 4, Bibiklicious - 101

PERGH. Ini satu penghinaan nih! Bibiklicious lead aku by 99.9%! Aku tak tau mana nak letak muka nih! Yelah, mana tak nya, muka aku nih semua orang cam. Aku kan ikon zon Ampang Utara.

So moral of the story is, bibik tersebut menang kerana dia ada support system dalaman bahagian hati. Dan aku pula tak menentu; kadang-kadang tu ada, kadang-kadang tak ada. Ikut pasang surut air laut lah. And sekarang ni support system aku adalah spine aku lah, apa lagi. Tak ada tulang belakang, tak jalan beb. Haha ok tak kelakar. Bye.

ibu saya

suatu hari yang tenang. cuaca sedikit sunny dan angin sepoi-sepoi.

aku tiba di rumah setelah pulang dari kerja.

"Hi bu."

"Hi.." kata ibu sambil mata memandang ke bawah, tekun dengan drawing nya. ibu suka melukis, terutama sekali lukisan portraits dan porcelain.

aku berjalan ke peti sejuk dan menuang juice ke dalam gelas.

"Ada food tak ibu?" perut ku berkeroncong, merintih supaya aku feed dia.

"Ada bawah tudung saji tuh.." sambil mengangkat kepalanya.

"My God! gelapnya anak ibu nih! what happened to you??!" ibu mengeluarkan statement separa menjerit.

"Huh?"

"You are so dark! Kulit nampak kusam! Pakai sunscreen SPF berapa nih??"

"Err..30?"

"No, no. From now on, you have to start taking care of yourself. Biarlah muda-muda ni nampak gebu-gebu, bagi kulit tuh licin sikit..Ibu dulu bukan main jaga. Vitamin C tak pernah tinggal."

"I have no money and time for all that.."

"Alah, kalau nak ada je cara. Anak orang semua cantik-cantik.."

Haih, memang lah ada caranya.

Tapi kalau sudah tengah-tengah hari buta suruh aku sebat rumput depan rumah, lepas tu everytime nak masak lunch suruh pergi ke kedai jalan kaki (harga minyak dah mahal, and also to lessen carbon emission, so no driving) beli taugeh lah, cili boh lah..the probability of me getting tanned and sun-burned is so high!

most often than not, aku perlu berjalan kaki dari rumah ke station LRT terdekat untuk ke pejabat. Nah, masakan tidak gelap!

Dan FYI ibu, freckles yang ada di wajah ku ini merupakan hasil DNA ibu dan ayah, jadi jangan salahkan saya!

Apa-apa pun, aku sudah mulai mengambil langkah berjaga-jaga kerana takutkan kanser kulit akibat pancaran UV matahari yang semakin mengganas.

Kini, setiap kali aku menjemur baju dan mengangkat laundry setelah kering, aku pasti akan memakai topi cowboy milik ayah ku yang boleh melindungi wajahku sebanyak 90% dari cahaya matahari. jiran-jiran dan bibik-bibik yang riuh berceloteh di luar sentiasa memandang pelik sambil berbisik melihat kelibatku bertopi cowboy.

agaknya mereka berkata sesama mereka:

"Kok gilak ini, pakei nya topi koboi di rumah aja! pas lagian, cuma ngangkat jemuran! ish, bikin pusing nih!"

dan jiran hot berkereta Myvi SE Oren mungkin berkata dalam hati:

"Wow holy macarel! Now that's what I call fashion-forward meets functionality!"

Ya, saya sering diperkata orang. Mereka menggelar saya: 'IT GIRL' of Setiawangsa Hills.

i know i will

you know
when i think about it,
nothing can actually make me forget you.
nothing
not even someone else

but somehow,
i know i will.
and eventually,
i will.

..but i don't want to.

a thing that always happen to me

one morning, i woke up and i have a song stuck in my head. and the song is still playing repeatedly and i have no idea what song it is. or who's the singer, or where i heard it. why does this always happen to me? ugh.

and on this particular day, it is this song. all i can remember is :

"na na na na stumble and fall,
dad dada da crawl.."

what song is that?! somebody help.

mencintai tidak semestinya memiliki

when you see me

hello

have you ever seen me?

do you know how i look like?

well, let me tell you something about what you might discover when you see me.

the moment you set your eyes upon my face, you will see a rather nice looking (not hot nor elegant) girl, with a pleasant personality (you wouldn't hate me right away, it may take at least an exchange of two sentences for that to happen). just your average, standard female 20-something.

you may listen to me talk, in circles, or in repetition and about the absolute random things you can ever imagine existed under the sun. and you begin to wonder for how long more you have to nod and act interested at the absurd things i will tell you. and you will decide to spare me and give me ten more minutes to make sense.

and after that ten minutes, you will start to like me. you will begin to notice the endearing smile i have, the twinkle in my eyes when i start talking about something i like or the sudden loud laugh i let out that may be shocking to surprised passers-by.

and you become interested in me. your interest grow relatively to the time you spend with me, or in the moments we spend interacting. you will ask me questions about me, about my life, about my likes and peeves. and you let me ask you questions about you. and since i am naturally a curious and inquisitive person, i will ask you about many things, and you will slowly open up to me. 

you will begin to crawl out of the shadows of the past, your true self will crack itself out of the shell. the walls you build against the society will crumble, and ice will melt. you will finally let me in to your life.

you will then make every effort to ensure that you are in mine too, but most often than not, you will find yourself in disappointment. but there are rare moments when you find yourself allowed into this life that you find unexpectedly mysterious. and you will try to understand it. and you will conclude that it is like math - where there is a formula to it, but the answers may vary. 

and i must warn you, when you finally managed to understand more than you really should, you will find that i am a complex and frustrating person. you will begin to feel a certain level of regret, and the feel to turn back, but you can't. because you have fallen for me, and you want to finish this adventure you start for yourself. and also because of your ego to retain your first impression of me that i am simple.

the sparks are still there, but, it is now not sparks of attraction. it is the sparks of fire. there will be a need to exaggerate minor misdemeanor, to pinpoint every error, and each will wait for the other to make a mistake. 

and soon enough, i will make that mistake you have been waiting for. and you will begin your series of attacking, laying down every single mistake that i had done that you 'closed one eye' to before, executing  every strategies of breaking me and bringing me down that you've envisioned for so long.

and i will become defensive, i will build a wall, and i will throw bricks at you to protect myself. when you have no good comeback, you will use whatever you know about me. you will bring back everything from any parts of the timeline. you will use who i am, who i was, what i had done, what i am not, who i was with, what i had said, what secrets i told you, what things i should and shouldn't do, who and what you wish i am, what you hope i would become for you and everything else. even as little a thing as how you think how disheveled and messy my hair is.  

and somehow, somewhere in your mind, you will finally conclude that i am useless, and a hypocrite.

and here is the time when i assure you that yes, i am in fact a hypocrite. and i will give you examples after examples. like how i do not practice what i preach. i talk about saving the environment, but i leave empty cans under the seat and i only print on one side of the paper. i turn mad when people are racist, when in fact, i am ultra to my own race. i promote peace, cried when people from other parts of the world suffer from war, when my own country is fighting its own battle. i vowed to help the homeless and the needy, but i wasn't even there for my family when they needed me. i want to fight poverty in third-world countries, but my meals are always unfinished and leftovers are aplenty that goes in the bin.

i encourage friends and everyone to be in love, talking about how it's the best thing in the world, when in reality i know nothing about it, maybe have never really felt it, and secretly at times don't believe in the truth of it. all my knowledge of it is solely based on stories i've heard from other people, the movies i watched, the songs i heard, and my assumptions and visions of it. 

yes, i am a hypocrite but i am not a liar. i meant what i said, and i meant what i told you about what i felt.  i did not lie about my feelings, my emotions, my thoughts, my dreams of you. the smiles and tears for you were honest; it came from the most bottom part of my heart that i didn't even know existed. 

and so most often than not, things will become awkward. sometimes, things will just be left hanging. but all the time, all the freaking time, people will leave. and you might leave too. but if you stay, well, you will be an exception. you will be the only one who choose to do so. and i will be grateful my whole life. 

yes, as a conclusion, that is what you will get when you look at me - an honest hypocrite, who talks a lot but might not necessarily know what she's talking about, who you might fall in and out of love with.

and so, if you decide to leave in the end, i suggest you save both of our time; skip my face and lay your eyes on somebody else. you might have a different ending with her. 

but if you somehow feel that you are one to stay, look me in the eyes, put on a helmet, and buckle up your safety belt. you've booked yourself the ride of a lifetime with me.

or else goodbye,

till we meet again.

buto

i missed it last year. but this year, it's back. i thought of participating, it could be a good cathartic outlet for me, instead of just watching - given the size of shit im in currently, i can use some emotional expression. but either ways, you can bet i'll be there. if you're interested:

to watch, i suggest on the 8th. see ya.

question

if a person was born deaf, what language would he or she think in?

three words that became hard to say

"one foot in and one foot back,

but it don't pay, to live like that,

so i cut the ties and i jumped the tracks,

for never to return.."

"..what you were then, i am today.."

song: i and love and you

by: the avett brothers

love the video, and how they count the three words altogether at the end.
accurately vague lyrics, just how i like it.

some people are just not meant for love

 

tilik tangan

aku membelek tapak tangan ku
- banyak garis-garis halus,
yang menyimpan segala macam
rahsia

menanti untuk dibongkar
tatkala ia berlaku

tidak ku tahu
apa maknanya garis ini
- garis yang merentas
persegi tapak tanganku

nampak berkecamuk
bercabang
terputus-putus

seperti aku dan kamu