High on sniffing lavender

Today was an unusual weekend.

Everybody was home; me and my brother especially, since we are always out.

It was a rather pleasing one - serene.

On Friday morning, my dad had a huge outburst; that was the first time I saw him screamed in frustration. There were tears streaming, of angst and probably disappointment.

All of us just froze, and my mom just endlessly apologize for something she didn't do nor know why. She just figured apologizing may do the trick. None of us knew what to do.

None of us knew why my dad acted that way.

Apart of me felt like crying. It was as if 50years' worth of regrets boiled down to that moment, and it chose then to surface.

My dad looked really tired and his spirit, withered.

We stood there - all five of us, just stared at him. He was oblivious to our staring.

And then I went to work. I almost felt bad for having to leave, but I wouldn't want to arrive in the office just in time for lunch.

My dad did not speak to anyone. Until today.

Yesterday, he burned incense and the whole house smelt of lavender. Lavender helped to soothe him down. He is weird in little ways.

This morning, I woke up in a very different vibe. As if I have had the deepest sleep. I think I owe it to the incense. Felt like I had been sleeping in a temple.

I went out of the room to see it still burning. My parents were sitting in the kitchen having breakfast. I went straight outside in my pajamas and the smell of grass woke me officially.

I unlock the bicycle chain, and took a ride around the hills - yes, still in pajamas. Didn't even brush my teeth. But I felt fresh.

The Fixie didn't have any gears and so I became tired having to ride up the hill, and more people were out to jog. I didn't want to face any neighbors with morning breath so I headed home.

Brushed my teeth and went straight to the kitchen. Pancakes. Yum.

Saw my dad stared at me in a quizzical look, so I told him I went for a ride.

He suddenly just burst into laughter. Like a real laugh.

"you went and cycle in baju tidur and looking like that?!"

Yeah, apparently.

He continued to laugh.

Glad that made his day. And that it also returned my dad back to normalcy.

It wasn't until I finished my breakfast and went to the toilet to shower that I noticed my hair was a display of 'bed hair' gone literal. It was atrocious and an embarrassment. In fact,
it took on the shape of my pillow because the right side was extremely flat as compared to the i-just-got-electrocuted-look on the right side.

I looked like half Einstein half Legolas.


Somedays, I would just hate being me and would contemplate jumping off Penang Bridge (selected on purpose to show political representation)

But today, is not one of those days. In fact, I felt relieved for cracking my dad up.

Everyone was extremely sweet today. Mom didn't make a fuss about laundry, dad went on reading, brother washed the cars and rode. I practiced typing with my typewriter, sisters minded their own business.

Pleasant day.

And to what do we owe it to?

The incense. It was a great idea. Good job Dad.

we don't cut, just bruise.

I don't really know how to put this nor am I sure of what to say.

In fact, I'd rather not do anything about it. But as my lecturer once told me in a Language and Identity class, not doing anything is doing something.

So I need to find the right balance between doing something and not doing anything, so that I achieve a zero on the axis.

But exactly what is it that I need to do, and/or don't?

To be honest, life (overrated word) has been patchy - I say patchy and not rocky or bumpety because the scale is not relatively bad - and yes, I do feel a little bit sea-sick eventhough I am on land, because of the subtleties of the "waves" I face.

Thing about me is, I like to store problems in a small paper box and shove it under the bed (which I'm sure a lot of people do, and would end up sitting on a couch across a therapist, or in an institution, or can also end up in heaven/hell), waiting to explode, tear apart from all sides and vomit all its contents.

The vomiting part is the scariest. You have to deal with everything, all at one go.

But it also gives you a sense of relief. If, you deal with the problems.

I haven't lain down the problem. Well, I can't. I've got it at the back of my mind, and it's getting pretty cosy there.

Hey, I have a random question. Why do people go to Boston when they don't want anyone to know their name?

Was Augustana just referring to his own exclusive situation, or is he helping us out in telling us where to go to deal with our overdue, undealt-with problems?

I'd really like to know.

I've also been losing a lot of important things. Like official certificates I haven't moved from the box in a bajillion years and apparently they have feet because they are not there anymore.

I lost my favourite tan corduroy pants (ok, not so important. but special).

A bag I bought in Australia and is multi-purpose.

Some memories and faces.

Memories of used-to-be Very Important Persons.

Memories of significant venues and places, which I think I remember, but not anymore. Maybe I also forgot whether I purposely forget them?

Some memories.

My handphone? Yes, that too.

I am not really liking how I am living my life now. Maybe work has consumed me, if so, that is a problem.

Or maybe, work is the solution to my problem.

Either ways, the amount of work I do (not as if I drown myself in work anyways) has nothing to do with the decision on why I live the way I want to.

I know I am talking gibberish, and if I were to have an electronic ear that can give some default programmed response, I would rather rant to it, than write it here.

But I don't. And I need to record these insecurities, uncertainties, doubts, worries that I have in this blog.

Because I know, I would be reading it some time in the future when everything is sure and certain again, and I had achieved what I wanted and go: Oh, it was just a rough patch. I survived.

I need to set this as a benchmark for myself.


I know you don't understand, but somehow, you do.


Tweet

My friend and I

Ahh, it's you again.

Sometimes I wonder if you will ever leave me alone.

I have a feeling I will be stuck with you for a long, long time.

Not that I can do anything about it.

Maybe I could,

But prefer to have you here.

You are now my friend.

I am miserable, and you are Misery.

Best thing is,

We have each other.

word game

poetry       suicide       travel       permission       hope

Listen to the wind . .
it blew, in agreement
to me.

It understood, that
I think your name
is like poetry.

A lullaby, even
that caress me in my travels.

But now I ask of you
only one last wish.
A permission, if you like
to commit in this humiliation
- suicide.
So that I can engrave
your name with me
forever.
Beyond eternity.

Your name is poetry
to me.
Your name
is Hope.


words chosen by izrin. Oct 20, 2009

tell me what i want to hear because i might refuse to listen

felt like listening to classics.

Naive by The Kooks

For us who can only dream

New Delhi, India

Shanghai, China

Mombasa, Kenya

Texas, USA

Colombo, Sri Lanka

Mumbai, India

Minnesota, USA

Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan

Dhaka, Bangladesh

Mumbai, India

Mecca.

photos taken from here.

where in the world are you?

Somewhere.

Photo taken from here.

new clothes on

i missed the old layout. sheesh.

in the end, we're just two people trying to get by in life.

Paperweight by Joshua Radin and Shuyler Fisk

there are two kinds of people in this world..

..there is me, and there is the world.

obvious

an elephant in the room.

a zit on the nose.

a drum in a library.

a stain on white cloth.

a crack in a mirror.

a flag on a pole.

a house on a hill.

a fish on the road.

an afro on a stick.

"somewhere in all the talking, the meaning faded out.."




 

rap up

If I can be one thing right now, I'd be a rapper. I'd wear baggy shirts and pants, and wear one diamond stud. And I'd be rapping away to sick beats with my big cap low on my eyebrows. The female kind will surround me like I'm a sexy magnet. I'd wear bright red Supra's and moonwalk across the dance floor and wave my palm in an up-and-down motion. I would groove to my trademark moves and mic up. I would rock the night, and be the life of the party. I'd rap and rap and throw in some beatboxing.

I'd be cool.

  

the world is virtual

Take Me Out by Atomic Tom

Soon I'll be enjoying concerts from a phone, and cheering in a whole different space than the bands!

Something about technology that always scares me: the sense of authenticity!

after all

Girl: You know I'm just gonna hurt you..
Boy: You know I'm only gonna break your heart, right?
Girl: You wanna bet?
Boy: Bring it on.


An excerpt from Taio Cruz's music video of Break Your Heart.

It's a game y'all. It has always been.

those little things at the back of your mind

When you are sad, what is the one moment that you replay in your mind to cheer yourself up again?

For me, it's that time when I was surfing the wind with my neighbour on top of the hill near our house.

Where we can see the whole of KL; where it is exclusive to just us.

And we climbed up the hill with a bucket of ice cubes, and arrange them on the iron rail at the edge of the hill.

And watch them melt really slowly.

And see the prism of colours emerge gradually against the evening ray.

That was a happy moment for me; and time was crawling, so that moment could have easily last longer than it really is.

And he would sing, while waiting for the ice to melt, a song that was quite a hit back then.

It goes something like this:

I wanna stand with you on a mountain
I wanna bathe with you in the sea
I wanna lay like this forever
Until the sun falls down on me


By Savage Garden, and we would sing it over and over while lying down on our stomaches, and have our chins right at the edge where the hill starts to go downwards.

This is the BEST moment of my life!!

He would scream. And I remembered thinking to myself, but I didn't want to say it out loud, because I don't want him to say I copied him. So I kept quiet. Yeah, this is the best moment of my life too!

He was right. That moment, was blissful.

And cheap thrills such as this always cheer me up; always will.

Missing Girl

I was on the SPRINT highway today, back from a client's office and as I was about to pay the toll, I saw an ad saying "Girl Missing".

I read the description.

It said there, the girl has long hair, and she's mute and deaf.

She must be scared like hell, can't even scream for her life.

Poor girl. I wish I can help her.

a way to celebrate a non-special day

Today is the 30th of October (just to clarify, since you know how blogger's dates are a little screwed up sometimes. Are we GMT +6?).

And a photo that I sent to Saya Anak Bangsa Malaysia is featured as photo of the day, under it's daily pictures tab.

It's not phenomenal or absolutely earth-shattering in any way, that deserves a cult following or anything, but I think it's kind of witty in its colorific sense lah. Just goes to prove, in a way, that you don't need to be professional to be featured (hehe sod it those of you who're so arrogant with your dslr's :p)

Just happy that I'm able to share how beautiful Malaysia really is. (Or could be - if you're a pessimist)

If you want to check it out: click here

Do send in photos that you think represent Malaysia in it's precise form.

Kalau Aku Seorang Rockstar

Kalaulah aku seorang rockstar,
Akan ku pastikan dunia ini berputar
laju, Goncang ia dan kemudian biar
Akan ku pastikan semua mata berpinar

Akan ku tulis bait-bait puitis
Biar semua jadi pakar romantis
Not-not emosi akan ku tulis
Semua kan rasa cinta nan gratis

Akan ku pakai emosi di lengan
di dada, di dahi, dan pakainya dengan
rasional hati. Tanpa halangan,
 tiada enggan, tidak jangan

Pasti sekali aku berambut blonde panjang
Agar semua pelusuk memandang
Dan biar mindaku bertelanjang
Agar segala fikir dan rasa terpampang

Akan ku petik gitar elektrik
Bina musik atas apa terdetik
Kan ku alun ia dengan gemersik
Biar semua berkata "fantastik!"

Dan berdiri aku di pentas itu
Di tengah-tengah spotlight yang satu
Minda, hati dan jasad bersekutu
Persembahkan lagu cinta yang jitu

Akan ku biar diriku berenang
dalam gelombang lautan orang
dalam semangat dan sahutan diorang
di bawah cahaya bulan mengambang

Bila tiba saat berakhir semuanya
Akan ku buat segalanya dari mula
Akan ku pastikan diri menjadi popular
Sampai tahap popular gila

Dan bila satu dunia mengenali ku
Ingin sekali ku melihat wajah mu
dan kata "This song is for you"
Biar semua lihat kau senyum padaku

Dan tolonglah biarkan masa membeku
di saat itu; saat kau pandang pada ku.

life on a plate

it's like a blender in here;

you have no idea.
banana chicken day-old bun;
all mixed thoroughly and mold as one.

once the plug is in the switch is on,
all form and taste will all be gone.
from there the shape takes a new turn,
what it was before has all been churned.

and when it's done you pour it out,
what's become of it you can't figure out.
well let me tell you point and straight,
now that's my life, served on a plate.