The One Where I Worked Hard (and Whined)

Newsflash: I've got a new job now. Haha, and it's a challenging one! Never would have thought I'd be doing this (I kind of avoid it actually), but well, here I am. This is the pulse of the future, right here. Where the Happened, Happening and the About-to-Happen are.

I have a love/hate relationship with this new job so far. I either extremely love it, or hate it at one point. Stepping out a bit, I feel like I've been ranting so much about work in my blog recently. And I can hear non-existent readers doing the "aaaahhh not again!". Yes, work has consumed me unwillingly.

There's still the party spirit somewhere in here, not to fret :)

So yes, tomorrow's a big day for me. No, it's humongous. It's beyond my imagine. It's surreal that I would think this is a big deal, but it is. It really is.

I'm not saying you should understand what I'm talking about coz I'm being very vague here, but it's a GIANT deal for me, so just get a sense of that.

Tomorrow.

And I'm freaking out.

Also, I currently have two jobs. I'm so greedy for money when the only thing I need now is sleep, really. You're right, I need to prioritize:
1) Sleep 2) Some lovin' 3) Money

My daily routine involves work and taking a bath whenever I can. I've lost all form of authentic human contact and real conversations. I forgot what shopping feels like, I remember only vaguely the sensation of the sun spilling over my skin, I haven't even listened to music that much any more! :(

I work from 5am everyday and finish up around 12am.


************************************

Some headlines these past few weeks (coz I'm bad with mental notes):

1. Whitney Houston left us. RIP, you'll always be my favorite.
2. Sniffed the same air as Feist, M83 and other awesome people.
3. Got interviewed by Zack Yusof, the 33RPM guy on BFM 89.9
4. Met Zack again while we're both at work and he remembered me as "the Laneway Girl"
5. Bonded with parents at an amazing level.
6. Discovered that I am pretty masculine.
7. Badly missing some people.
8. Other things that has really left my memory trail (I'm sure it'll come back some time soon).


Special shoutout: Thank you Allah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulilah.

The One Where I Survived A Psycho

I have pretty much lived up to the expression "sun-kissed" now as I just got back from Singapore; where I spent an entire day and night outdoors in the scorching hot fiasco for the Laneways Festival. I'm not going to rub it in for you guys who didn't go (well not now at least, maybe in another post :p) but I can tell you getting sunburnt is really uncool.

Thing is, I'm already sort of tanned, so I don't really care about the color of my skin now, it's just the fact that I like to laugh-out-loud and now whenever I laugh or smile and stretch my cheeks it gets really painful! Not funny.

So that was quite a highlight for these few weeks. A really good weekend for someone who's been through what I went through for a very long time. Haha I'm so full of myself. But really, that was just a much needed breather in the middle of all the chaos.

Also, just wanted to give a shout out to my peeps, Limbo (hehe don't be mad Liyana, we're no bimbos. Ok sometimes) and Charlie V (whutt whutt!) for sticking around through some of my hardest times. Major low point right there.

Looking back just a couple of weeks ago, I didn't think I would survive. In fact, I was pretty sure I would commit in some poetic suicide at the balcony of my office building. But well, I soldiered on. What else is there to do, right? I was too scared to really kill myself, and I don't have the kidney to strangle my enemy's neck. Ok, so you spot the word "enemy" there. Haha. Really, I have never really hated anyone in my life. I maybe only dislike people, but I hate this one person.

This person has caused me sleepless nights, and on nights when I actually sleep, I get nightmares. She is a devil. And in the words of my friend, the "Devil Wears Bata". I couldn't do anything but to spend all my time thinking about the things she had done to me.

And so, as any heroic folk tales, the underdog finally arise. I was at the bottom for quite some time, and finally just did what I thought was right. And even though it didn't turn out in my favor, and made me really mad (I had smoke coming out of my ears like the cartoon you always watch), I pat myself in the back for actually doing what's right and needed to be done. I had many people who supported me, and last I heard, justice will be repaid in time. 

Honestly, it's like a rape case; where you never really expect it to happen, but it did, and you're caught in between making a police report and having to risk losing your dignity by letting the right people know or having nobody know about it but to still get raped and live in the shitty feeling that wrap you like a dark, stiff blanket.

Glad I made it out alive. It's a jungle out there guys. Not just any jungle, it's the Amazon. You kill to survive.

What Fate?

Being in a dark room is never helpful, especially when you're trying to be all sunshiny. What you can do is switch on the lights (duh), or leave the room.

So what do you do when you face a wall? Turn back? Well you can. Or you can also crash through it, or climb over it. Whatever catches your fancy. The point is, you don't have to be stuck looking at the wall forever. You can do something about it.

A wall will only be an obstacle if you view it that way. Other than that, it's just a friggin' wall. 

the low before the high

It has come to my attention that I may have taken more than a few things rather lightly, which result in me being swamped with consequences that I was not prepared to tackle which then finally result in me concluding myself as the ultimate counter-worrier and a super-tactless human being.

I am not proud of this, and therefore dear blog, you are lucky (or otherwise) that I only manage to confide and confess to you. 

As an objective person, I shall ask myself so what is it that you need to do now, moving forward? Heck, only God knows what's to become of me and this; but I can manage that I may try to at least be a little more attentive to details - to the unspoken words, the little actions, the "nothingness".

Well, what's been done has already been done, one can only look forward and that's what I'm doing.

I'm just gonna start looking at the smaller picture, get to each point one by one before I hit BOOM.

Guhbye peeh-puhl.

I Won't Back Down

I Won't Back Down by Johnny Cash


Obviously you can consider me infatuated with Mr. Cash; I keep coming back to classics, in general.

What can I say, I like taking advice in an unorthodox way from an experienced male subject. His songs, his voice is just that.

Just when I thought the only thing I could do was give up, this song aired on radio and infused a much needed b-tt kick.

Somebody once told me back in 2008:

"..Oh, but you are still too young; too many things to be done; too many things to be seen; too many hearts to be filled. Now why don't you put on those boots and buckled belt and take on the world?"


Too bad things didn't work out between us.

Goodbye 2011, Hello 2012.

So it's been a few weeks since the year turned a new skin; 2012. What have changed since? Or what remained?

Honestly, get real people, do you still believe in New Year's Resolutions? I've given up on those a long time ago. I now am more of the type who would make resolutions randomly at any point of my life; hence why the significance and/or importance of a "new" year has dissolved drastically for me.

I've decided that celebrating a brand-spanking-new year in a flashy way does not foreshadow the year you're about to have and how it would end. Rather, it is most likely to be deceiving. I now embrace in year-ends and the result of the 365 days I've endured. Celebrating a new year would heavily rely on this factor. Of course, making an appearance at celebratory events thrown by other people is a show of respect and good manners; which is why I still "celebrate" (heheh - they say don't shove the good stuff), but well you know..

So in retrospect, from 2011, what have you gained or lost?


It certainly was a year that left me breathless; or rather, out-of-breath where I was constantly frantic or panicking (nothing new there, I know). I've also realized how Jupiter plays an important role in my life, as it is the planet of Luck and I've been, if anything, so so lucky last year, which is good coz I was running out of energy for effort.

I've also lost track of my mid and long-term life plans and are now just focusing more on the short-term goals. I failed to cross a lot of things off of my to-do list and got a bit of an emotional tsunami, but towards the end I decided to eff it. This year, I'll be writing my to-do list as I do it. Carpe diem. Haha, how's that for a plan?

Bitterness and frustrations aside, 2011 has actually been the best teacher I've had so far. It taught me a lot of things and showed me things that I thought I could never see. A lot of "firsts" too.

Can't really say much but by the end of it all, I knew there's going to be a sequel - 2012.

This year will execute to answer a lot of questions and cliffhangers in 2011, and for that, I'm just super thrilled and amped up.

To 2012, I say BRING IT ON to your face.

Happy days ahead everyone ;)


p/s: How do you say 2012? Two thousand and twelve, or twenty twelve?

Vacuum of Humanism

I am not crazy - in fact I'm perfectly normal; which makes me crazy. Firstly because I just denied it and secondly because anyone would know that any normal human being is far from being normal.

I like trespassing other people's brains, and bulldoze their over-developed beliefs and convictions. I am an anti-principle (whatever it may be) when it comes to other people; but of course I am a person of strong, rooted principles myself. I believe in having beliefs, yet I don't believe for believing is deceiving.

I also like truths and honesty for they tell you things about things for what they are; but a white lie can never hurt when it is only meant to salvage. Therefore lying is alright, when the situation is apposite - but is telling the truth obligatory under any circumstances? If the answer is no then a lie and a truth weighs the same on a situational scale.

So question here is, what does this make me?

a) A crazy person who doesn't believe and lie
b) A normal person who has principles and tells the truth

Dream People

Dan Felton

Jade Puget

Sand in Hand

I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love
For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith
But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.
Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought:
So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.


- T.S. Eliot

Eternal Lone Gypsy

More people are becoming adventurous (and a study reported that Zimbabwe and other exotic of-the-course travel destinations will so be in trend this year) and becoming lonely.

This archetype has long existed as a small percentage that others long to be, but is growing in numbers needless to say. They are the people who will do whatever the hell they want, when they want, and with whomever they want to. They only care to satisfy their insatiable thirst for experiences and adventure. They do outlandish things in their mannerisms and confide in strangers and peeves commitment.

They are most likely to achieve more things in life than others would, and are typically a Jack-of-all-trades. They charm people as they trod the globe; with their intelligence and beautifully flaunting some of the local vocabularies they know to strangers who soon become companions. They indulge in the localities to feel apart of something and yet away. They like to be in it without having to be attached.

Selfish and greedy - that's what they are, but only in the good sense to them. They mean well and they care for others, but they had to be selfish to actually get what they want and also greedy as they constantly want more; which may sometimes make them push away the people or things they already have to make way for new ones.

Once they reach a stage where they feel comfortable in a particular atmosphere, they will restlessly begin to look out for new adventures, to get them out of that safe zone again. This will happen repetitively. In between these cycles, there will be a gap; of total comfort and extreme desire to be uncomfortable. It is at this stage that they will be strawed in into the blackhole of loneliness.

They will feel so alone that they constantly have a tug-of-war of either getting very very comfortable at where they're at and just make things happen around them with whatever they have or just pack up, leave and start anew somewhere foreign.

They will most likely do neither, at this stage.

They also run - both physically and mentally. They run to understand the situation whilst not having to be in the situation. They run to run - from anything and everything, for as long as it last as a mini escape - for they know they will eventually run towards whatever they are running from again. They are also smart enough to know that running is not a solution, but a means. Therefore running is not who they are, but it is an all-important confidante to these non-committed creatures. The perfect life support, as opposed to a membership at the gym.

So when they've gathered their thoughts and mustered their spirits back, they are ready to elevate out of this blackhole and continue on a new quest. It does not mark an ending of a previous adventure, not at all, but in truth a continuation to the mega saga that is the journey of their life.

It is a chicken and egg situation - whether being amorous with new experiences make them some of the loneliest people in the world or the other way around. You can ask yourselves, if you think you share the same sentiments as this archetype, or you can ask the person you meet next who wears these characteristics like a fitted shirt.

Whatever it is, they are out there, collecting memories in their shoe boxes; with the tribal bracelets, postcards, museum tickets and polaroids while at the same time leaving footprints in the world and in people's lives.

Knock Knock It's Reality

There are bigger and more important things out there than your sorry little problems.

Hurt

Hurt by Johnny Cash

"If I could start again,
A million miles away,
I will keep myself,
I would find a way.."

I'm still planning to destroy the world in a gentle manner.

Finally, I've got some form of internet connection after so long of only relying on the office internet. I'm beginning to think that it could be God's way in telling me to actually go out and see people more rather than just be tied to this virtuality obsession.

But I've been doing quite poorly in the health department - so, still no heavy socializing. The only socializing I've been doing is with this nasty germs and cruel bacteria. They won't leave me alone. Just cleaned my room to get rid of any bad chi, if any. Progress so far looks promising.

So I've decided that I need to buck it up to better health as the new year is fast approaching (we're talking about a few days here). No particular reason why I should be in better shape in 2012, but yeah, I just don't want to be not in my best condition during the best times of the year. I'm the life of the party - get real! Haha.

Been running a lot lately, it helps my mood and also you know, sweat is generally good. Just realized I've got some cute neighbors living on the street next to mine - so there you go, motivation? Check.

I also noticed I got weak arms. Really feeble like I only managed a set of 8s each. Yeah, I disappoint myself on a regular basis. Nothing new there.

Health-wise aside, I'm doing alright. Honestly, just trying to get by. Need some re-work on the metaphysics, which I haven't got some real solid QT to really focus on which is pathetic.

They say you make the time you have. Utter BS for people who lacks time management skills like me.

You know those garbage they sell to you in Eat, Pray, Love and those lingering within the same postcode? That's actually good garbage, I've recently came to realize. You gotta love yourself more guys. Stop thinking it's vain; even if it is, why the hell not if it will do you good?

(I'm just gonna continue rambling from here just because I can. So here's a good place to stop reading if you're not into people rambling pointlessly)

I will re-emphasize that 2011 has been extremely rocky - I nearly got thrown out of the roller-coaster seat! But I'll save the reminiscing for a traditional Rock Paper Scissors' Goodbye 20XX, Hello 20XX post. Not that I'm looking forward to it.

I also realized I have no idea what I've been doing - I mean, I know what I do but yeah I don't internalize..not anymore. But who the phuck cares right? Just like how nobody cares about the excessive amount of carbon emission that leads to global warming today - they care, but they don't really.

So yes, we will conform with whatever the society demands of us - grow up, get good grades, graduate, get a decent job, get married, have a family, raise your children, reap your retirement saving and die. Everyone, all the same.

Of course you can mix up the stages to suit you best and to look a tad individualistic, but eventually, you'll have to do it. Even if you think you have some sort of choice, the choices are thrown at you by the society. In the end either way you choose to go, you'll end up probably doing only half a breath of what you really wanted to do.

I'm sure I'm not making any sense here, but if you do understand then you're my kind. Even if you don't, nobody cares. You'll move on with your life and forget about this post.

So stop whining about how I wasted a surmountable percentage of your time that you could use to pluck your eyebrows and deal with it. This is life. People use your time and you use theirs. Haven't you heard of symbiosis?

And time is not money - that's BS. How can you even put value to time? You are allowed to use your time as you wish to use it - even if you're not doing anything and it's not profitable. And no one can say that you're wasting your time. Which is definitely, totally not what I'm doing right now.

Holocene

Holocene by Bon Iver

"And at once I knew, I was not magnificent"

Not all who wander are, but..

from here.

Too much of anything is not good for you

Don't Regret Regret by Kathryn Schulz (TED Talks)


"Regret is there to remind us we can do better.."


The one piece of advice I will take from 2011. Happy birthday to me. To better, wiser decisions in years to come.

They all want you until they have to deal with you.

We keep looking for truths in everything we do, everywhere we go and in everyone we meet. We speak of it as if it is tangible; as if it can be measured; as if we deserve it.

Some say that Truth is God, and we shall look no further. Some say Truth is honesty, and that it is one hard to come by these days. Some say it's overrated and abused like a wolf in sheep's clothing. Some say truth hurts.

I don't give a sh-- about people's take on it - all I know is it's out there; and in here (in my being).

I keep trying to imagine this world where there is only truth, and no forms of deceit or lies exist - but it would be terrible, in a way. It wouldn't be functioning right, somehow. Maybe this is a by-product of centuries of cognitive and behavioural conditioning in reaching the Ideal.

Maybe we deliberately lie - so we can keep looking for that thing called Truth.

I Am the Ocean

I am the ocean
and you contain me
my high and low tides
in all the depth of the sea

I am the ocean
and you carry me
to greet the sandy shore
for a taste of my salinity

I am the ocean
and you are my gravity
in all my velocity, and
my immense capacity

I am the ocean
as you very well know me
I don't sink nor I float
- I only be

I am the ocean
to every degree
and you willingly sustain
through apogee and perigee

The Crazy Post

It's not even the end of the year yet, but I can definitely say that it's been a really crazy year to sum up. And not just the usual crazy, but CRAZY, if you know what I mean. A lot of firsts and randoms, and I have to say, I'm breaking my own record here from previous years. It just gets better with time huh? (bajet macam wine la konon). I have no idea what happened in between January and November, but man, it was crazy! Crazy fast, crazy fun, crazy in every manner. It feels like only yesterday where I was sitting in my room contemplating suicide (haha ok not funny) on my 23rd birthday and BOOM, what do you know, it's coming again in around a week. Not that I'm counting days like I used to (birthdays really is just like any other day as you age - which sucks!), but hell, what have I been doing throughout 2011?! Next thing I know it's 2030. Currently I'm feeling a little bit nostalgic; I really had some extreme ups and extreme downs. But oh well, as the optimistic saying goes, such is life. Now December, surprise me :p