attacked.

down with fever. and had a wth moment with an asthma attack. i hadnt had it since school, but yeah, things work in circles. i was too comfortable with the air-cond, the cold drinks and walking out in the rain at night, i guess. it all accumulated and came back to haunt me. well what can i do, im just a free spirited girl who thinks life's too short to just sit home and tend to my sickness. carelessness, is pretty much it, if you look at the glass as half empty.

dealing with a lot of things from my bed these days. or sleeping, is what i do most of the times. getting this typed is pretty impressive. i would rather die out of anything but boredom.

been helping out with my sis' cheer stuffs too: the chants, routines, uniforms etc when im awake. hmm got some inside scoop on how its done.

been trying to bond with the bro since his back from uni for the hols. such a waste, he brought his friend home instead. good backup for not listening to me yapping bout what a great life i have. hah. smart boy he is. such an adult now.

another sis is charting out her life pretty much entirely to strategizing ways to get my parents to agree for her to go out and "hang out" with her friends. poor girl, im wayyy pass that (though i still need permission sometimes ugh).

mom is really busy these days. she tries to get her hands into anything, no everything. she's taking painting classes, taking orders and painting for clients. exploring new things, girls' day out, movie dates with dad, anniversary date with dad, hanging out with dad, intruding her children's privacy, investigating her children's lives, visiting friends...the list goes on. all that with in between cooking up a storm for the family, making sure the house is squeaky clean and torturing us. she continues to surprise me.

dad is busy too; with mom, with us children, with the cars, with his channel, with all things work, sleeping, andddd eating. he's such a big eater now! he eats anything, anywhere, all the time. he gets cuter as he gets older. thats my ol' man.

and me; im always in bed. even if im not sleeping, i cant really get anywhere. ive got breathing problems for heavens sake. and fever to add to the suffering. thank god the cyber world is just a click away. even then, i cant really look at the screen for a long time, i'll get headache. so basically, my life these few days revolves around the things between me and the bed and the rest of the house.

but from the bed, i get to appreciate the one thing i always forget to pay more attention to:

my family.

we win some,we lose some

i am a walking cabbage right now. if not, i would be a bin full of things (huh?!). or a ball, rolling aimlessly. feelings are jumbled, i am edgy more frequently than i normally do and i get nostalgic tak kena tempat.

so what's eating me up?

maybe the fact that i know i will no longer be here. i will be going soon. i will leave all this, all i have..here. and that many things are going to happen. i will be jealous, i will be sad, i will be left out.

on the other hand, it's the opportunity of a lifetime. now or never. obviously, i chose now. but i cant bear the loss i might feel if i go. on the surface, yes, i am composed, and calm. i know i am brave enough to take on anything by the horns. but this, is different i guess.

change is inevitable and people change. that is what scared me to death. even now, things are not the way they used to be. it's not as fun as it was anymore. things that i enjoy doing, people who i enjoy chilling out with, they all changed.

if i go, will they all stay the same for a while?

will everything change, a major change?

sometimes, i long that everything i have and everyone i love are available in miniature sizes so that i can put them all in my pocket and bring them everywhere i go. so that they have to be wherever i am. so that we stay together all the time, and that is one thing that will never change - the togetherness.

but in the end, i cant be so selfish and not think about the people i love. they have their own, different lives, and i may or may not be a part of them. they might not want me in their pockets. they may want to change, to have other friends, to disregard the friends they have now. who knows, and who can stop that? nobody, not even mighty me.

i can do nothing, except to pray that all my friends and families will stay together, and that this togetherness will be forever.

and cross my fingers that even if i change, i will still be the same person to them.

till then..