Liyana tagged me.

1) What is the most important thing in your life?

self expectations

2) What is the last thing that you bought with your own money?

sour tape candy (red and green)

3) Where do you wish to get married?

masjid or in the coziness of my home.

4) How old do you think you will be permanently owned by your love?

geez. i dont know, fortune-tellers told me my palms showed that im kind of a hopper. i have too many choices and im very curious to try all of them out. so i might not be permanent to anyone. but they might also be bullshitting me. but hopefully i can be permanent to someone. because i know I AM A LOYAL LOVER!

5) Are you in love?

always.

6) Where was the last restaurant you had dinner?

road house grill.

7) Name the latest book that you bought?

a passport. does that count? lol. truthfully, a black notebook.

8) What is your full name?

and the relevance of this question?

9) Do you prefer your mother or father?

this is a nasty question. well, my dad. and, my mom.

10) Name a person that you really wish to meet in real life for the first time.

Robert 'Bob' Nesta Marley. i believe he's a very intelligent and talented man. pure genius.

11) Christina or Britney?

which christina are you talking about? christina millian? christina yee wong? christina gopal? well, i'll have to go with Brits. she's a good girl, really. poor thing.

12) Do you do your own laundry?

yes. and the family's.

13) The most exciting place you want to go?

jamaica and northern britain (ireland, scotland)

14) Hugs or kisses?

hugs. and only certain kinds of kisses.

15) Point out 5 things about the person who tagged you.

Liyana
- talker
- reader
- care-taker
- cooker/chef
- laze-around-er
- pious. grahahahha. kiddin! (but she can be, who knows!)

16)8 things I am passionate about:

- things that affect my life
- the well-being of my people, the malays (ceh, MY people konon)
- keamanan dan kesejahteraan tanah airku
- history, cultures and traditions
- unique individuals and things
- learning new matters
- people
- love and peace

17)8 things I say too often:

- like
- thewperr! (super)
- amayzin' (amazing)
- oh, crapp!!
- geez
- kelam kelibut gila
- macam
- takdela, sebab lagipun...

8)8 books I've read recently:

wait, eight? mostly aren't books

- the economist (okayh..)
- newsweek (sounds a little better)
- why the earth is for us (an eye-opener)
- the LIFE compilation
- mid-life crisis and you (not on purpose)
- Gone. James' gone! (fatally funny)
- 13 Mei 1969
- whatever you think, think the opposite (very good)


19)8 songs I could listen to over and over again

- keep breathing (ingrid michaelson)
- canon in d (london symphonic orchestra)
- jangan tinggal daku (P.Ramlee)
- somewhere over the rainbow & wonderful world (remix by aselin debison)
- i will always love you (whitney houston)
- rainbow connection (jason mraz)
- grease soundtrack
- most AFI songs


20)8 things I learned last year:

- being at the top is dangerous
- the expectations you put on yourself is most of the times parallel to the potential that you really have
- never say never
- karma really works
- love is the closest thing to magic
- when an old man dies, it's like a huge library is burnt down
- a person can never understand, but they can try
- i would actually like to be a pirate


and, im tagging whoever reads this. im not a good tagger actually.

i saw a dead squirrel on the road twice

time sure flies. i never thought the moment of truth would come this quick. geez, the next thing i know, the results are out?! somebody told me it would be out like next week or the week after next. crap. now i can't sit still. im online, i have the uitm homepage on the other tab, but i cant bring myself to open it.

maybe if i dont open it yet, the results would be there and multiply itself like the money in your bank account. grahaha. okay, i'm going to check it out next month. or maybe i should just open it now. but i CAN'T! remember, the second PTE test where i fashionably left two essay questions? man. how great. ugh. why la thalasemia has to hit me that time. nice timing.

okay, okay. mind made. open next week - as (supposedly) scheculed. meantime, get my fingers crossed.

the jawa people

there's a portion of jawa in me. my grandfather was one, but my grandmother wasnt, she was a penangite. anyway, i just came back from a wedding of one of my relatives - the brother of my grandpa's son. so that makes me..what ah? i dont know, like cousins lah basically.

it was very simple. no bersanding, no menepung tawar, no kompang, no tanjak, no keris, no silat. the groom is a very shy person. but the food, it was fantastico! they served like 7 dishes (more than the usual) and two types of rice. very generous people they are, the jawa.

what caught my attention was, the hospitality and the cooperation between the family members. gee wheez, they were very2 helpful. the siblings all handled the wedding. they serve, they wash dishes, they welcomed guests, and they smiled all the way. the groom's brothers before this when they got married, the weddings were all handled by their own family too. it was all the same; the same hospitality, the same merry and cheerful people, nothing changed - except that this wedding is without their mother. she passed away more than a year ago. but the rest is pretty much the same.

i even felt bad for not helping. i felt like a VIP just sitting there. even the neighbours (who came as guests) helped refill jugs and clean tables. so i helped. and that changed everything - as in, my feeling lah. i felt more like a part of the family instead of just as a guest now. laughters where thrown out in the air, voices of java-speaking aunts and Waks (or uncles). i loved it. i love the whole thing.

i wish i could stay longer to talk to the other neneks and atoks. i wish i could stay longer to teach the kids how to play hopscotch. but as they say, time flies. the last time i saw Ninot was like 2years ago. she's now grown really pretty and fairer (the magic of sunblock, she said). she's 22years old. the next wedding the family is ever going to throw would be for her, since she's the last unmarried person (apart from Abang Sham, the one born before Ninot, but he refused to get married).

i remembered Abang Sham forcing Ninot and me to shower together at the toilet outside. their bathroom is outside so we were very scared to take a bath at night when we were little girls. so we would shower, screaming and laughing, all while Abang Sham waited for us outside. He's now already 30-something.

Wak, my grandpa's brother, he got parkinson and alzheimer. so it wasn't easy trying to talk to him. i had to remind him who i was every (approx) 18 seconds. it was hard. but imagine his children, how they could take care of him. sad. but he's still with his style. fedora hat, and cigars which he rolled himself. coolness. Wak, Wak. i would miss him. he's 80-something and looking really old and he smokes. i hope i could meet him again in future. i forgot to take pictures of him.

man, am i proud to have them as my family. ORANG JAWA ROCK!!!

carpe diem

when i look at people around me, i can say that they all have loved someone, lost someone, and feared something.

each and every person that stepped into the train (cause i was in a train. lol), they all have what we call luggage. some small, some huge. some light and some heavy. depends.

my eyes were drawn unto a pair of wrinkled hands. the owner, was asleep - a long day at work perhaps. she had with her an umbrella, a big green basket with things in it, and a stack of old newspapers. she sat across me and she wore an old pair of 'rubber' shoes.

i studied her face. she looked really, really tired. not because of work for the day or because she didnt get enough sleep from last night, but because of her luggage - her yesteryears. she looked like she just had enough, like all she wanted to do is nothing.

some part of me wondered, when that particular moment - the moment when i just get tired - happened to me in future, how am i going to embrace it?

i kept on looking at her, i know if people saw me they would think im a stalker, but there's just a magnetic force that made me keep looking. maybe that's how i would look like when im old, i thought. and another young person would do the same to me like what im doing now. maybe.

all that, with the track 100years by five for fighting playing in my earpiece, i just feel lucky that im realizing this now than later when its already too late. for now, i should just seize the day. the magic of carpe diem. lol.

what if cats grow horns?

ok amaran. ini blog post yang membazir masa. oleh kerana komen yang diberi oleh salah seorang peminat blog ini, namanya azzam (hahaha tepukan untuk violet gray!), yang telah mengatakan bahawa postpost saya semenjak dua menjak ini terlalu serious, jadi saya cuba untuk mempertenangkan keadaan di blog ini dengan mengalih ke aliran alternatif (bukan aliran pembangkang. eh dah masuk politik lak) iaitu untuk menulis benda tak serious.

jadi. apakah yang harus ditulis di sini. oh. mungkin beberapa hari yg dah aku lalui ni. sangat best jugak. aku berkawan dengan seorang penjaja di tepi putra lrt setiawangsa. beliau sangat baik hati. ketika hari panas, air tin yg dijual oleh beliau menjadi santapan jasmani. jika anda berada di situ, silalah ke gerai kecil beliau. beliau yang berbangsa india juga merupakan seorang OKU. tapi semua tu tak jadi penghalang. dia cerita kisah hidup dia yang sedih. tapi dia selalu senyum. tak penah nampak sedih. aku pelik. dia sangat berhabuk bila bertutur dalam English dan topik perbualan kitorang berkomposisikan global warming, lapisan ozone, homosexuals, politik dan sebagainya. beliau intelek, jadi mengapa hanya menjual air? dia kata orang macam dia (OKU) sangat susah nak dapat kerja. ish3. stereotaip masyarakat.

tanpa disedari, aku dah serious balik. gahahaha. ah tak best lah. roger and out

white flag

i feel like opening up the dictionary and find all the curse words i could and say it out loud for the neighbouring countries to hear (hint).

ugh. sucks. big time.

we lost. we lost. we friggin lost. and people who lose are called LOSERS.

MALAYSIA VS SINGAPORE

the reward of the battle: PULAU BATU PUTIH

the winner: SINGAPORE

i know, if things were to be in a different pair of hands, we could have won. we could have won the rich-with-resources Pulau Batu Putih. the natural resources is abundant and nobody should have given it up so easily. it was worth fighting for, but the fighting..it was worthless. i swore we could have won. heck, we should!

but, whatever, i guess. nobody seemed to really listen to me especially these days. the politicians are busy cleaning up their mess and coming up with revenge strategies and hate letters. the readers, they cant really do anything but read. me? i can only write and express things here. if only i can take matters into my hands..well, i would suck. lol. but ah, its not my job. in my position as a citizen, what i could do is to point out things that fell in the blindspot zone and let them know..and be a good rakyat. that's all :)

politikus mondok

yeahaha..the game is on! im liking this. kalau takde orang start cari pasal, mesti semua mangkuk hayun tu tak sedar. they are so full of themselves up there. sekarang baru dia tahu tinggi rendah langit ni. orang pilih pemimpin untuk memimpin (duh!) negara ni dan jaga kebajikan rakyat termasuk aku, kau dan dia. tak kisah la orang tu siapa, tapi semua orang bayar cukai! kitorang bukan pilih kau jadi pemimpin untuk buat renovation pecah dapur bagi besar ataupun untuk korang tukar kereta gempak2 beemer la merce la. so sekarang ni, kalau ko tanya aku apa komen aku, aku akan simply cakap "padan muka".

so, rakyat jelata macam aku ni, dah tersepit. kalau ikut islam, rakyat wajib ikut perintah dan menghormati ruler (bukan ruler pembaris la, pemimpin daa..). tapi kalau pemimpin dah macam %*&%@#, macam mana kitorang nak hormat, betul tak? kalau nak suruh kitorang be in your shoes, kitorang tau la, memang keja banyak sampai 20tahun akan datang pun tak siap. tapi cuba korang be in OUR shoes pulak. tak kan la kitorang nak support pemimpin yang tak memimpin mana, dahla kebajikan kitorang tak jaga. aku ni dah boleh di'label' bankrupt dah ni. orang kata biar papa, asal bergaya. tapi aku ni, dahla papa kedana, bergaya pun tak bergaya! tolonglah orang macam aku ni! turun kan la harga minyak, harga beras, harga gula, harga hargi hargu semua!! aku tidak dapat menampung penyeksaan ini lagi!!

ok, teremosi sekejap. *batukbatuk*. yang penting sekarang ni, apa yang korang as pemimpin boleh buat, is untuk muhasabah diri korang, apa motif korang jadi politician and pemimpin. kalau nawaitu korang betul, insyaallah rakyat semua akan terbuka hati untuk memberi sokongan yang tak putusputus untuk korang. tapi kalau nawaitu awalawal lagi dah terpesong (i.e. nak songlap duit rakyat untuk buat umah besar kat klang, nak guna kuasa untuk masukkan anak kat sekolah bagus etc), memang sah la kejahatan dan ke'evil'an terpancar di wajahwajah korang lantas tersebar cahaya hitam di poster yang ditampal merata tempat. nah, rentetan itu, rakyat pun macam caya tak caya je nak undi.

so secara asasnya (basically), apa yang aku nak cakap sekarang ni sebagai seorang rakyat yang super perihaten kat negara ni, aku just nak keadaan aman seperti dulu. bukan nak kata aku tak kesah pasal ekonomi whatevershit tuh, tapi you guys do la whatever you can to bring back the harmonious life we were all living before all this crap happened.

bottomline is, just do your job. do your job as honest and as sincere and as best as you can. we will all support you, but promise us harmony and productivity in return. do your thang baybee!

lastly, know that i have no hard feelings whatsoever, merajuk ke apa ke memang tak de la, cumo den ghaso kosian nengok nogaro den kacau bilau dek politik hancur punoh, itu jo jang oi!

so, kalau kita semua (terutama anda yang bergelar MELAYU) bersatu mesti kita boleh maju ke hadapan!!! jangan sampai kita dijajah di negara sendiri ye (maksud mendalam tu, sila ambil perhatian)!

akhir kata, bak kata pepatah, bersatu kita teguh, bercerai kita kahwin lagi. eh ehh eh, ehehe. silap pulak. bersatu teguh, bercerai roboh. ha hok tu yang benar! me, signing out!

what the hey?!

a die-hard-fan texted the other day, asking me to post a personal analysis on the political status with regards to the recent happenings around here. thank you so much to you (you know who you are) as you can see, a lot of things has passed, by i didnt really feel i want my voice and my thoughts to be heard, thus the lack of posts on politics in my blogs recently. but i warn you, just dont get me started!


1. [TUN'S STEPPING OUT OF UMNO]
the first question that popped in everyone's mind would be "WHY?!". exactly. he wants to trigger that attention so that everybody would sense something peculiar is going on that led him to step out of umno very abruptly. but really, why? from a very trustworthy source, it is said that something fishy is taking place in the PKR, particularly, Anwar. im not blogging this for the sake of doing justice to any political parties, but for the sake of justice itself. so let just say that im an objective third person, very neutral. all Tun wanted is for Pak Lah to step down. Thats why we see Tengku Razaleigh Hamzah decided not to follow suit, as he has his own different agenda - to be the UMNO president, and by convention, the Prime Minister. Tun has had enough of the family-oriented, best-friends-forever potrayal that our current PM exutes. taking into account what happened in the past, Tun is still taken aback by Pak Lah's decision to stop the bridge project with singapore. and now, after a series of abortion of potential projects, acts of disrespect for him who had served for more than 20years, i think that he's had enough. a man at his age now should really be vacationing or going on a honeymoon somewhere in costa rica, not spending his sleepless nights crying and thinking about the possibilitties of the future for his people. logically, we are not his people anymore, but we are as close to him as ever, especially the malays.

Tun is a very wise man. looking to his background, he's an engineering graduate, hence the meticulous and particular eyes for details. everything has to have a floor plan, back-up plan, black-and-white, evidence and things needed to be audited. he purposely and naturally looks out for details. when he hears a rumour, he checks, deliberate then he makes a decision. so, to say that his decision to step out of umno is plain stupidity and unprofessional, i think is wrong. as sudden as it may seem, i think he pretty much has sorted things out even before he made the call.

the news that he may have heard is that Pak Lah is planning to hand over his place to Anwar. as some of you might know, anwar is of good friends with a certain chinese and the president of israel who is a jew. what the hell is a muslim doing with a freaking jew? the jigsaw doesn't quite patch up, eh? i told you something really fishy is going on, and hell, we're not even in pasar borong selayang. gahahaha.

the chinese is said to have written an article in a foreign newspaper in the states that he is best friends with anwar and that anwar is the best possible prime minister of malaysia. the logic is that anwar is asking help from an outer party (yes, the israelis who want to see muslims down) especially in terms of financial resources. so there is a win-win situation between them both. and lets see, who else is good friends with anwar. oh yes, the infamous Khairy Jamaluddin, or KJ. he was the one who got Pak Lah to bail anwar out of prison. ok, by now you might have seen the big picture, but im just going to explain it a little briefly for those who dont.

we all (well, most of us) want Pak Lah to step down from that not-so-high pedestal. i think most of the umno people, they dont want to stop being umno members, but they just want Pak Lah to stop being the PM. so, what he would do, like he always does, is to make everyone happy, by going down himself (someday, dont know when. just my rough observations). anwar is a good friend of KJ, and KJ is the son-in-law of Pak Lah..see that? even if Pak Lah didn't get to be someone who has a say in the parliament, he has his 'trusted' son-in-law (who is now the naib pengerusi FAM..he's progressing). and this son-in-law has a dream of becoming the PM since he was a kid. who better to help him than his father-in-law and anwar.

why they can make a good team: KJ is a liberist. he doesnt believe in all the 'ketuanan Melayu' and hak istimewa orang melayu, but that's what umno is all about. thus, do you think he's a true umno member then? tepuk dada tanya selera. anwar on the other hand, is a companion of a chinese and a jew (phoooh! what a combo) and thus it's clear that he has no interest what-so-ever in the Malay issue and matters at stake. both of them dont care if Malays dont get special rights, both dont care if UITM will no longer be for MALAYS ONLY, both dont care whatever will happen to umno and the things they fight for, what else can prove?

they see the possibilities and the brightness of THEIR future if they team up and rule malaysia. KJ has friends all over the world, including Singapore. who knows, they (KJ and Anwar) might say yes to singapore if they want to join malaysia again. singapore being a very opportunist nation, sees a huge advantage if they join us. since the population of singapore now consists of 60% foreigners and malaysia has around 40% chinese (and they hold the economy of malaysia too), so then, you do the math.

by now you might think that everything is looking very dim and screwed up. and i say, yes. it is screwed up. but things can be done to overcome this, however on a few conditions - the malays stick together and unite themselves, pak lah admit his mistakes then step down and appoint muhyiddin (i like him gazillion times better than najib), tell the chinese, indians, and others that there is no equality here as the malays are the majority, reshape and firm up the government, and we're set to go.

whatever i said earlier in the post, they are all only personal analysis based on overall observations. i tried to be as fair and as sensible as possible, guarateed that there is no emotional reactions involved. these are all honest, no exaggerations, no science-fiction (haha), no cgi effects. all pure, honest information and thoughts that i'd like to share with you.

hit me back with any opinions or further information (if you have any).

cheers!

hold the horse down!

geez, this coupla weeks have been really darned hectic for me (and my brain), like things are desperate to happen "now now now! make it happen now!!", you know? but yeah, am as cool as always (applause) and though i might seem like a blur-straight-out-of-a-washing-machine kid these days, important matters still get processed in my mind. matters regarding our beloved nation, the world, and things around me - i think about those things, every day.


to sum things up in one post (i might do an extension post for some of the below):

1. [MALAYSIA] Tun decided to dismember himself abruptly (not a surprise for me, i would do the same) from UMNO. why? this goes in an extension post later. Pak Lah was firm when he said he wont step down nor would he stop any member to step out of UMNO. Mukhriz won't step out too. Lingam's case is out of hand. transparency is a bullshit idea. a small fight over small land in Cheras got my attention. an earthquake in KL at a 6.5 ritcher scale. all these are going in extension.

2. [WORLD] Earthquake in China and Myanmar - related to the position of the moon, an astrologer said. i witnessed the disalignment of the sunset - almost 30 degrees east. obama at the fringe of nomination - reminds me of the political status in malaysia.

3. [ME] not myself lately, not Britney Spears too, so who am i? gahahaha. i found one or two odd jobs. day care centre, "pusat pemulihan minda", big bookfest @ KLCC, travel agency (KIV). found a whole different side of life. encountered an angel. experienced new kind of feeling. busy being a rascal.


so, that's the lowdown on everything, in the most minimal amount of words i could jumble up. hope you all are having a blast with your lives! <-- coz im still trying *wink*

random rambles on random people

have you ever constantly think about someone really random that you barely know? we do think about famous people like anne frank and what she's been through or heath ledger about his tragic and sudden death.

but im not referring to those kind of people. im talking about people like the old lady you saw in the train on your way back, or the boy and his bicycle when you were walking to the shop.

im not sure about you, but i do.

i have this huge file in my mental RAM that holds all the random people i saw or met during the course of my life. weird and funny. and there are quite a number of them. maybe this is the effect of observing, i dont know. it could be anything. (hope it's not something psychotic or deathly. positively, it could be pictographic memory :p)

as for now, i'll keep on unconsciously picking up subjects to keep in memory.

*shakes head at self*

it's just life

when things dont go the way you planned it to, or when they actually went the way you have planned it but you later thought it was a wrong decision to plan it in the first place, let it be known that life is just doing it's job.

i know that and i hate it that i can do absolutely nothing about it but to just swallow it all in and scout for alternatives.

yes, alternatives is the wise people's way to get through with life. life may a bitch most of the times, but if you start bitching about how bitchy your life is, you will be starring as the ultimate bitch in this horrendous bitchy sitcom called - My Life.

crap. huge, major crap. now i feel like the bitch in my life. sure, i later realize (a few minutes ago actually) that life is not just a straight line of light that will lead you to the end of the journey of life. but instead, it is a multiple layer of lights, criss-crossing one over another (in the hopes of confusing you) and lets you pick the light you wish to follow that you think will lead you to the end. trial and error system applies here. and second chances are only for those who admits their mistakes, while risk-takers excels most of the times.

i dont really feel that good about the recent incident actually. i made a really huge mistake that i would probably remember my entire life. but lets make this a lesson for me. a lesson that i learnt through the hardest way possible (oh man, what have i done to deserve this?!) and i surely pray for history not to repeat itself. please dont.

gosh i feel like a tragic-mascara-smudging-under-eyes drama queen. some other people must have an even huger and majorer problem than mine. haih, i just wish..i just wish it didnt happen to me. but who am i to make the call?

this restlessness

this restlessness, is creeping me out of my own skin. i was caught off guard. it happened when i never expected it to happen. it involved people that i could never imagine would be involved.

i think about it night and day. i sweat unnecessarily. i walk around like a zombie. i talk when i dont have to, but am quiet the rest of the time.

im in a state of unsureness and it makes me restless. i dont like this feeling. like it's not black, neither it is white. grey spot. somebody said something about grey spot. yes, im exactly in the middle of it.

i have to take this off my mind. god, i need a job. pronto.

istana menanti pasti

orang kata penantian itu satu penyeksaan. memang betul. terutama sekali jika kita orang yang menunggu. tambah menyeksakan lagi, jika kita menunggu sesuatu yang tak pasti, macam kes aku ni.

aku yakinkan diri yang masa itu akan tiba juga, cuma aku tak pasti bila. sering aku bertanya sendiri, patutkah ku tunggu lagi, atau pergi begitu sahaja? ataupun, berjalan sahaja ke arahnya perlahan-lahan agar jarak yang jauh itu tidak begitu terasa?

aku menulis ini bukanlah kerana apa, hanya sekadar peringatan pada diri sendiri akan beberapa hari yang indah itu agar aku tidak pernah akan melupainya. harapanku, agar hari itu akan tiba lagi, biarpun aku terpaksa menunggu hingga kucing bertumbuh tanduk sekalipun.

face workout

you exercise regularly to keep your body fit. but what about your face? it needs excercizing too. jangan menganak-tirikan muka anda. thus, look no further cause i have the perfect workout for your eyes, ears and face. try it out. i dare you! (it's simple anyway).


Weird Face Tricks

random rambles

if people cared, it's really good.
if people cared too much, it's also good.
if people cared and forget, it's still good.
if people don't care, it's not good.
i care if people don't care,
and it makes me sad to know.

to give myself a reality check (apart from cheering myself up),
im going to sing along to the rainbow song! yee-haw! i first listened to the Kermit the frog's version. but Jason Mraz's is more romantic. here's to you, who cared :)





if you want to sing too, here are the words:

why are there so many

songs about rainbows?

and what's on the other side?

rainbows are visions

but only illusions

and rainbows have nothing to hide

so we've been told

and some chose to

believe it

but i know they're wrong

wait and see

someday we'll find it

the Rainbow Connection

the lovers, the dreamers and me.

who said that every wish

would be heard and answered?

when wished on the morningstar

somebody thought of it

and someone believed it

and look what it's done so far

what's so amazing

that keeps us star gazing

what do we think we might see?

someday we'll find it

the Rainbow Connection

the lovers, the dreamers and me.

have you been half asleep?

and have you heard voices?

i've heard them calling my name

are these the sweet sounds that called

the young sailors

i think they're one and the same

i've heard it too many times to ignore it

there's something that i'm supposed to be

someday we'll find it

the Rainbow Connection

the lovers, the dreamers and me.

my sugar and gold

to my dearest cribbers (housemates ):

1) thank you for throwing a mini (farewell) party the other day. though it just reminded more of my going away, i was flatterred nonetheless. lol

2) i love love love the striped mafla. i can see it in my daily outfit :p

3) thank you for being really great housemates thus far. remember: together, and apart :)

4) thank you for the stable, unjudged friendship we have built since we first known each other. we began as strangers, and end up being family.

5) walaupun orang ke-enam selalu tak ngam dan asyik memindahkan diri mereka ke rumah-rumah lain, kita tetap "tesl6". hahaha. weyh, tukar la password weyh.

6) this will be one of the chapters in my book of life that i will permanently bookmark.

7) pangsapuri anggerik is the best! krohoho~

8) i can't thank you peeps enough.

9) keep that spot, i'll be back!!

and,

10) i heart you.

[^.^]

a Jew said

"..despite everything, i believe that people are really good at heart.."

-Anne Frank-


she's right. she is definitely right. were men made to be good but turned out being bad or was it the other way around? i am not so sure myself. i believe it is the former.

a person didnt become evil just for the sake of it. people rob banks because they need money to feed their family out of desperation. people bitch about other people because they are insecure. people rebel just for the chance to be heard. people kill because they think there is no way out.

i might sound like some lost idealist right now and i know, yes i do know that Utopia is overrated. there's no such things as a happy, peaceful universe. even the planets are going to collide sooner or later. but by thinking positive of everyone and everything, it gives us a sense of hope, a hint of security that at the end of the day, everything will fall into place and we'll be fine.


i vow to think good of people, but also to think wisely of who i can trust and not trust.

we win some,we lose some

i am a walking cabbage right now. if not, i would be a bin full of things (huh?!). or a ball, rolling aimlessly. feelings are jumbled, i am edgy more frequently than i normally do and i get nostalgic tak kena tempat.

so what's eating me up?

maybe the fact that i know i will no longer be here. i will be going soon. i will leave all this, all i have..here. and that many things are going to happen. i will be jealous, i will be sad, i will be left out.

on the other hand, it's the opportunity of a lifetime. now or never. obviously, i chose now. but i cant bear the loss i might feel if i go. on the surface, yes, i am composed, and calm. i know i am brave enough to take on anything by the horns. but this, is different i guess.

change is inevitable and people change. that is what scared me to death. even now, things are not the way they used to be. it's not as fun as it was anymore. things that i enjoy doing, people who i enjoy chilling out with, they all changed.

if i go, will they all stay the same for a while?

will everything change, a major change?

sometimes, i long that everything i have and everyone i love are available in miniature sizes so that i can put them all in my pocket and bring them everywhere i go. so that they have to be wherever i am. so that we stay together all the time, and that is one thing that will never change - the togetherness.

but in the end, i cant be so selfish and not think about the people i love. they have their own, different lives, and i may or may not be a part of them. they might not want me in their pockets. they may want to change, to have other friends, to disregard the friends they have now. who knows, and who can stop that? nobody, not even mighty me.

i can do nothing, except to pray that all my friends and families will stay together, and that this togetherness will be forever.

and cross my fingers that even if i change, i will still be the same person to them.

till then..

of first loves

In Alexander Pope’s “Eloisa to Abelard”, the poet took the voice of a woman in between feelings of love and religiosity. A certain phrase caught my eye:

“..The world forgetting, by the world forgot...”

The poet speaks to an idea of bliss and outlines of morality and identity. And in parallel to that, it is suggested by Walter Chaw that experience and memory feed not only our personality, but also, our emotions. We might try to forget our past, or unconsciously forgot them, but we will always remember vividly the emotions that we felt at that particular moment of the memory. That is why; dramatically tragic and enchanting memories are always the ones that we remember because the emotions we felt at that time were so strong and distinct that what we felt then, actually tied us to the memory of the time, place, smell, people, just about anything that happened to be there.

I will take the example of Adrian Mole. Pandora Braithwaite was an outstanding character in Adrian’s life during his adolescent years. Why? Mainly because she was the one who taught him the pleasures and guilt of love, or in other words, she was his first love. He might not have ended up with her, but trust me, he would look back to his life from time to time in the future and be reminded of that blissful first love he experienced. He may never forget the memory, for it was his first experience and the feelings he felt was different and shall I say, strong.

How does it relate to us? I can testify that first loves do leave a certain impact to us and are outright unforgettable. The memories that include our first loves are the epitome of contentment and sorrow for us then. We remember everything about it, not by choice, but we just do – like a habit.

I definitely do remember mine. It was in high school and we were in form two. I started developing small crushes towards him along the way, until I was in form four – when I finally realize that I really, really liked him. We were very close by the end of form five and well, the rest is history. The sad part is that I never confessed how I felt and he didn’t either, though I know we both knew we share the same feelings.

Yes, I laugh about it now. The memory of him and us do occur to my mind once in a while, and when it does, I couldn’t help but smile at the thought. It is like I can feel the emotions I felt at that time – bashful, bliss, grief – everything all over again.

The emotions and memory are still fresh and vivid that sometimes, I think I might even still be fond of him. Funny.

la fille danse

La fille danse
Quand elle joue avec moi
Et je pense que je l'aime des fois
Le silence, n'ose pas dis-donc
Quand on est ensemble
Mettre les mots
Sur la petite dodo

toilet tunes

we all love to sing in the bathroom. i do too, really do. our bathroom is small so if you close the door and sing in it, it'd feel as if you are in a recording studio, except that this is critic and public humiliation-proof.

given a great vocal ability (*ehem ehem do re mi~), i dont use my talent to show off singing every single song i know. but i have a selection of songs that i love to test in the loo.

here are some of them (not in order):

1) god called in sick today - afi
2) morningstar - afi
3) on the arrow - afi

...(yeah we're seeing a lot of afi here. good job guys)

3) the island - aselin debison
4) i will always love you - whitney houston (this is usually if i shampoo)
5) torn - natalie imbruglia
6) redemption song - bob marley

...(a bit drowsy yeah, coz it compliments my vocal potential)

7) risky business - the cab
8) greetings to the new brunette - billy bragg
9) random (usually anything i hear before stepping into the shower)


that's the compilation for the shower jukebox..for now. haha. i'd repeat the same list over and over again. tired? not at all. love it.

maybe i'll change the list from time to time.

i'm still broke

let us sit by the road. just look around. people walking their dogs, children playing catch, couples helding hands. trees swaying to the breeze. me and just me.

it's not so hard to feel happy. the pursuit makes it worth all the while.

[^_^]

i'm shit broke

im skinned. really skinned. i have only a few bucks to continue surviving now. seriously. i think i am suffering, especially in the f&b department. i spent almost RM 450 for food each month. geez. i really gotta cut down a bit. but since im already broke now, there's no point, aint it?

two weeks ago i broke my glasses, and havent been able to replace it. i have to wear the old one for now. and my head is always dizzy because of that. i need a new pair and therefore, i need moolah!

in addition to that, i only have RM 0.07 amount of credit, so i apologize to those people that i havent been able to reply their messages. i swear i would reply once i get the money to topup (according to the level of priority).



and speaking of money, if dreams do come true, why hasn't money fall from the sky?!

seriously, this is really the perfect timing for a miracle to happen. hopefully somebody really extremely supremely kind would stop me in my way one of these days and give me a sack of green notes. smell the cash!

conclusion to love

love is fine,
if it's not in your mind.

love is good,
if it's understood.

love is love,
it's what you're made of.

the beginning of a new beginning

is it the end of the beginning or the beginning of the end?

one is unsure.

surely, it should be the beginning of the end - for one have arrived at a new phase of one's life.

the brink of a new dawn.

how difficult is it to start anew?

very.

one must be willing to take a risk one is not willing to take.
one must be absolutely sure that one is absolutely right.
one must restrain oneself from restraining a change.

essentially,

one must really know oneself, inside and out.


and at the verge of a fresh start, one must not forget one's past. history may repeat itself and one might repeat the same mistakes, and that is alright. for one will have already master the craft.


how is one sure it is THE dawn?

one will be able to tell, after one had awaken from a long, dark night.


one may opinionate, that in fact,

the end could be a beginning to a new beginning.

TATTOO

i had a tattoo. the other day. syud drew it on my right arm. my fat arm. wahahaha.

here it is:




purple butterfly. i have no idea why it is a butterfly. i wanted a sun. but it came out looking like sperms trying to get into an ovum. scientifically gross.

CHENG HO

it is the name of a restaurant. it caters chinese muslim seafood cuisines. you might think it is as normal as any seafood restaurant, but try and dine here, and you will know for yourself.

i went.

with my family to have dinner. lo and behold, i saw the most stylo, most idolized being (during my schooling days, and still is i think) in Malaysia. Amy Search. turns out that my dad heard a rumour somewhere that Amy Search was opening a restaurant, and so he went (with us) to see it for himself.

the decor of the restaurant was cool, with a lot of black and white pictures of people from the chinese muslim community on the walls. most pasrt of the restaurant is white and red.
the food itself, i can say, it was marvelous. from the most reliable resource, i get to know that the chef was a former cook at the Four Seasons Hotels specializing in this type of cuisine. his forte?

tom yam.

it was the best! superb! fantastico!

we finished everything we ordered in a spilt second, till the last slurrrrrp!
the prices are surprisingly reasonable and they offer packages, so that it is easier for the customers especially those who are impossible to decide on what to eat - like me familia. *ehem*

Amy personally checked on us, made sure that everything's fine, that all we ordered for came, and asked if we needed anything. that is the one thing, so special about Cheng Ho, i assure you, is the hospitality. i mean, c'mon, where can you get a ROCKSTAR to actually serve you?

LOL. it was one of the best dinners i had in a very looong time. good food, good service, good host \[^_6]/

after dinner, we talked a bit with Amy outside his restaurant, (note: he even sent us out!) and he said that he is probably opening up another food joint, a cafe simply named: Amy's Place

but of course, it's still under progress. and later somewhere in the conversation, he jokingly made me promise to write a blog on his restaurant. so Amy, here it is. and oh, I LOVE YOU :)

the famous buttered lemon chicken

yours truly, AMY SEARCH, dad

my dad taking charge and ordering all HIS favourites



my sista vista studying the menu

the packages that they offered

here's to you!

i surfed the net, searching for some cool gamelan performances, and apart from getting a few scoops on it, i stumbled upon a cyberfight about gamelan.

some people from different races were fighting on whose culture the gamelan belongs to. like, duh! culture is supposed to be assimilated, not just stagnant. dudes, if you want to OWN a culture, then go and live in Pluto where nobody lives there and then you can have your own thing (coz it's not even a planet now).

a particular race, claimed that another particular race, which apparently is the Malays, are always taking other people's culture. hello, not trying to be defensive here, but dude, you're making invalid accusations. first, what proof do you have in terms of history, demographic and socioculture? you don't have any.

and then, what's up with the "let's team up with the Borneo people coz they felt the same way as we do, and the malays ignore them all the time.." Dude, do you even know what you're talking about?

im just so sick and tired reading all that comments. i dont even feel like i want to preach peace and tolerance now. all i have to say for now is that just be glad you even have a race and a culture, coz i suppose people like you dont even belong here in this world.

today's hororscope

Hey, why are you doubting your position in your social circle right now? You need to have a little bit more faith that you are still loved by your friends. Sure, you should watch how you deal with other people right now, but that's only because they have weird stuff going on in their lives -- not because there is anything wrong with you. A new beginning is coming quite soon -- something that will excite your friends and unite all of you in a common cause.

it concludes everything i've been feeling. haha.

mode: rolling on the freshly-cut green grass

brain congestion

f f f f f f f f f f f f f f !!!!

it takes an endless list of things to be done to get me to swear that much. haish. next week, beginning 7th of April.

07/04 - PTE test (update: i did it without studying. now the prospect looks very, very dim. i feel like a major failure now. wonder how tomorrow's going to be like)
08/04 - Microteaching (done it. went quite well)
Creative Project submission (submitted, though with struggle)
Creative Project presentation (did it. went well. very simple)
09/04 - Literature and Media test (Remains of the Day & Pygmalion) (yeah, did it. was one of the last to go. it was an open book test and still it was @%^$^!#@$. geeez)
10/04 - Japanese solo presentation (okay lah..not bad. but i confused myself with the 'imasu' and 'arimasu'. so...)
Adrian Mole assignment submission (the due date is delayed!!!)


not a day off! every single important thing is happening this week! crap. major crap.

the week continues..

11/04 - Nad's house-warming party (finally! i chance to let my hair down)
12/04 - Thoughts of Mahathir's exam


and the moment of truth, and a grand finale to the whole week...

13/04 - IELTS results
Woah! WILLOW production team gathering @ Windmill, Subang.


it sure will be a rocky ride through the whole week. wish me luck people!

whatever

the person who coined the word 'whatever' and popularized it is the coolest, most gonjeng person in the world. when you feel like you malas nak layan dah, you can just say "whatever!" provided with your hand gestures and blondish-bimboish facial expression and accent.

i love it. my state of mind right now, is Whatever, with a huge capital W.


here's a Whatever-toast to the person i dislike, the things i despise and anything else along that line.


huh, whot-evargh~!!!

the Dean's List Dinner 07/08

Last night was the DL Dinner. it was held at the glamorous INTEC Hall *haha* and was supposed to start at 7.45pm. but yeah as usual, it started a full 20mins later. the Dean came, along with most of the lecturers. i felt appreciated, thanks to their support just by showing up.

i came at 8pm (just cause i know it wont start at 7.45) with Anis and Jiji, and the first bullshit happened. my name wasn't on the list and so i wasn't 'numbered' and had to sit at the very back. and then came my friend whose was also not on the list, Marina. so we sat together through the whole thing.

then it was time to 'jamu' or dinner lah. so being the person at the very back, it was a piece of cake to be the first in line. but some uncourteous people cut the line so we became the 8-ish people to take food. we had to tolak-tolak and tarik-tarik a bit, but the whole getting-the-food experience wasn't as tough as i had prepared myself for. so a few minutes in the moshpit later, we freed ourselves from the crowd and started to search for place. to our dismay, everyone dah cop tempat. so we had to sit at the 'candlelight dinner tables' di sebelah orang buat persembahan. sheesh. don't even talk about being in the spotlight, it was dark and the candles are tiny (almost invisible).

Marina and myself having a romantic candlelight dinner *wink*

however, we had fun and felt really 'special', though i almost choked myself for i thought the tulang was the daging cause of the same colour. but i survived. not long after that, i accidentally burnt my pinky finger because the candle (though tiny, can be extremely hazardous because of the wax) was so close to my pinggan and my jari jemari are so runcing so terkena the fire.


after that, we went in and get on with the programme. theY called each name one by one and everybody get to go on stage. and since marina's and my name wasn't on the list at the registration, we had to go last after everybody else. what discrimination! how unfair! wahahaha.

oh btw, in between the name-calling, there was a dikir barat performance by the PART 4 TESL students and it was the bomb! i loved it was (frantically) clapping and singing along (though the lyrics were totally out like im singing in Urdu) and recording videos. they were superb. most of it maybe because they are my friends, and i got extra excited. lol. but Mr.Shah enjoyed it too. i saw him sitting at the edge of his seat while clapping and 'grooving' (yes, he grooved!) to the dikir barat. i think they won a competition yang peringkat UiTM or something like that. but they rock! especially the Tukang Karut, Pok We!! *clap clap* woo-hooooo!!!!

izza yang sempoi dan Pok We yang sedang 'naik sheikh'!!

yeah, then my name was called and by that time the hall was half empty, which is cool. hehe. and later, we took some pictures and borak-borak a bit and then go home. that night, i slept like i have never slept in a loooong time.

team Gamelan yang sangat fantastic. Afifah main macam main drum. hehe

man, i felt like Queen Elizabeth getting the royal treatment!











Fitri, pelajar comel lagi cemerlang gitu!







till then!

talk, by talking

it's unfair that you can like someone in the phone, exchanging text messages, feeling like that person is the perfect soulmate, or someone that you IM everyday and can talk about anything under the sun without feeling the slightest bit uncomfortable. or that person you like when you talk over the phone, hanging on to every single word that come from that husky voice.

but the moment you step out into reality, getting vis-a-vis with that person, everything turns out differently. as different as night and day. you no longer like that person you text every night when you get face to face. you no longer find their voices sexy when you talk without the phone. their wits aren't so spot on when you you communicate in real time.

is this the wrath of the technology we worship so much all this while? whatever it is, i still hold on to the fact that simple communication, where body language is involved and facial expressions are visible, is still the best way of exchanging bubble thoughts.

try talking and joking around without the company of sophisticated gadgets and techs (excluding webcam or anything like it) more than you do with those mediums (text, IM) and what you say may mean more to the person you are talking to.

tatie's treat!

we had dinner just now, and tatie made my day when she paid for dinner! haha. we all ate satay, at Restoran Selera Kampung, section 9. twas lo-fi but cool nonetheless. it has been quite a loooooong time since anybody belanja me. it was a very heart-wrenching, tear-jerking moment. hope my rezeki murah and somebody else will belanja me pulak in future. im broke!

which one?

i want a lomo camera and have been saving up to buy it, however, i just found a scoop on this cool camera, called the fisher price kid tough camera. it's slightly cheaper and it's digital, so we save from the developing costs. it comes in both purple or pink. but i still want the holga. or color splash. now i dont know which one to get..damn. granted that i am an indesicive person, so making a call would be really tough. now i gotta look further into this major predicament. grahahaha~

jangan marah-marah

nowadays, memang banyak sangat benda yang boleh buat kita tick-off. semua benda buat kita rasa nak marah. kadang-kadang benda yang sangat kecil. tapi bila fikir balik, buat apa nak marah, bukannya boleh betulkan keadaan tu pun.

apa yang kita boleh buat is either laugh it off, or deal with it, tapi bukan dengan cara marah-marah la. relax. cool, cool. tarik nafas dalam-dalam, lepas tu selesaikan.

yes, aku pun kadang-kadang edgy and rasa cam nak jerit jugak, tapi kita try la sama-sama. perasaan annoyed and iritated tu memang selalu ada, especially bila berada berdekatan dengan orang yang macam tu (annoying dan irritating). jadi, kita sama-sama ingatkan diri kita untuk selalu bersabar. kalau marah-marah dah tak macho la kan. kita kena relax, supaya dunia ni lebih aman. kan best kalo semua orang tak jerit-jerit, tengking sana sini.

till then, always give the people around you a smile!

an ode by a friend

I have no name.
No truth i cradle.
No jokes to humor you.
No physique to satisfy.
No breadth to breathe into.

No eyes to appreciate.
No passion to lust for.
No love worth dying for.

All I have,
is heart.
to cry out.
to die.
to hate.




p/s: this is a piece by my very dear friend, mr.hafriz. he has a very beautiful soul, handsome face and sensitive heart. i am glad to have him as a friend :)

down with the flu

devilish! this disease never leave me. it is constantly following me around like Misery would. scientifically called the influenza, but i prefer to call it mucus-flowing-nose-wiping-moments. geez, i had to drag my white napkin around like a baby with her blanky/blanket with some eternal yellow spots stained on it. well, i ain't stain nothing on mine, but if you look closely, u might find something. haha. my eyes are swollen, and i can't pronounce any words with the phonetical sounds: /m/, /n/, and /ng/. all the nasal sounds. and i speak like a retard without a nose. but hey, nobody's complaining. heck, the flu's around since forever, and it sure look like it's stayin for quite some time.

the crappiest part is, i got my microteaching tomorrow, and hell, it's the most important thing in my career as a teacher so far. and i dont think i have all the energy to be super teacher tomorrow. maybe i should call in sick. yeah, i'll do just that. not that im finding reasons or anything. but the flu is turning to be a blessing in disguise, coz you know what? i haven't done my lesson plan yet. hehe.

my handkerchief's sangat basah kuyup right now. so i gotta go change it before some virus become epidemic. till then.

i want to be Sleepyhead

i am utterly deprived of a deep, peaceful slumber right now. wish i could dive into a sea of pillows and just be sailed in a technicolor, rainbow-filled dreams. or just plain sleep would do.

truthfully, this has been a very hectic week. with the Maulidur Rasul event (i managed to bag the 2nd runner-up spot in the poetry recitation contest), and the preparation for my IELTS test last saturday -29th april. also, i was busy doing my assignments, most of it group work, so it was really tough to get all the group members together, thus all the workload needed to be squeezed in the time we actualy sit together to work on it.

my brain freezed a lot of times, untimely, and my nerves wrecked like it never did. i actually forgot what 'sleep', 'eat' and 'hang out' meant. until i experienced them yesterday, after ielts.

i didn't realize i walked around looking like a zombie (which died a tragic death by the way i looked), and i rarely (almost never) give any sweet remarks or compliments or stopped for small talks during the Hellish week (notice the capital letter).

i was glad that i could take a breather for today is the end of the week, which universally mean i could take a rest. some of the shits i need to get done has been done, but most of it are still under way. which brings us to the conclusion that next week is not looking any good either. who knows, this might even be the last time i hear the word sleep. man, i sure am going to miss my sleep.

speaking of sleep, maybe i really am deprived of it. like, a super, major deprivation. i was diagnosed with insomnia during my high school years. i could stay awake for four days or more with no sign of energy declination. and now, im still losing my sleep, but not because i want to, but coz i have to! argh, dummy ass. gonjeng bastard. now what the hell am i still doing here with some stupid blog. i'd better go sleep. now i can finally say, Goodnight! (well, for now. hehe)

the two questions i asked myself

u came to the point in your life, when u ask those ultimate questions. what do i want? and who am i? two very simple questions, but never underestimate them. you might not be able to answer those questions, even until you are lying weak on your deathbed.

i tried answering that, the first question. seemed easy. i threw a whole list of things i could ever wish for. but then, something made me ask myself. what for do i want all these things? money, cars, money, excellent grades, money... then, my thoughts shifted. well, i want peace in the world, and unity amongst brothers, poverty to be curbed, and to turn back time to the early age where there was no pollution. yes, i want that. but again, it asked. what for do i want all these things? if i were to be granted all those that i wanted, will it guarantee me a place in heaven? will it prove the love that i have for the Almighty? will it make me happy, ever after?

then my thoughts shifted again. this time a huge shift. i thought, i want nothing more, than for Him to forgive me truly and to accept me unto his Kingdom. i want nothing more than for Him to love me for He is the Ar-Rahim. i want nothing more, than just to serve Him, for life, for that was what i promised Him before my soul was slowly placed in my mother's womb. i want nothing, but to taste that infinte sweetness of Heaven. and that, i am sure, will make happy. for ever and after. and by that, i might have answered the second question as well. i am, the servant of God.

laundry for dracula

today i felt like a Dracula, allergic to light. i didn't get out from the house, with the curtains closed and dried out refrigerator. but thank God for the internet, got to watch a couple of barbaric short indie movies - helped me through the day. i even did laundry - a tough one indeed - and it involves my bantal busuk, translated as 'smelly pillow'. but of course, it's not really literally 'smelly' as opposed to popular societal stigma, i just felt i had to wash it anyway. so yeah, twas a cool dracula-like day for me.

a Brand New Year 08

I welcomed the New Year a bit differently this time. I was worn-out by the frenzied, never-ending hustle and bustle of the city, especially during festivities and celebrations. Normally on New Year’s Eve, I would join some of the Setiawangsa residences up on top of the hill to watch the fireworks display all around KL. It was a great spot but I didn’t feel like climbing up this year. There were no plans what-so-ever, and I didn’t feel like painting the town red either, but I was equally delighted that the nasty 2007 is finally over. I was surfing the net alone at home on new year’s eve, when my family came home from shopping and asked me if I wanted to join them and a few of my mom’s friends (and their families) for dinner at the port. Well, who could say no to seafood, right? And in the next few minutes I found myself dressed for a seafood-dinner jamboree.

We ate and ate till there ain’t nothing left to eat. We laughed and laughed and snorted once in a while in between crabs and prawns. It was a happy moment. Just a lo-fi ambience, chilled-out mood. I loved it.

After dinner, we went for a walk around the jetty. It was cool. There were some stalls selling colourful, spinning lights, some selling ‘kacang rebus’ and there was also a stall retailing religious merchandise like cassettes and books (good idea. And JAIS was everywhere in sight too. Not that I’m scared or anything, duh). The breeze was calm, hot at times. Everyone was filling their time, waiting for their watches to strike midnight to mark the New Year. One of the people there had his radio on to listen to the live broadcast of the celebration in the city.

Me and a few of the girls sat a few feet away from the small crowd. I sat there, imagining how the rest of the world is celebrating the eve of the ‘New Beginning’. I reckon some of them praying, asking for a better life to come, some may be holding pints of liquor, prepared to be soared to cloud nine. Some may take comfort in the presence of their family members, and some may be even distressed at the actuality that they have to be alone for the night. Whatever it is, everyone is anticipating it.

My dad told me that the people at sea have their own way of commemorating the New Year, and it is certainly something that I have awaited for a long while now. Tonight. It’s going to be tonight.

Ten seconds to midnight, everyone was counting, aloud. Not that they’ve never counted out loud before, but this is a moment they want to share with everyone and also to remind themselves that “man, it’s 10 seconds away from the new year, which would probably be a tad better than the last one” – it is hope, that they put in their counting.

I counted aloud, along with the rest. Our voices were harmonious (mine was, at least), our eyes looking up in the sky. The ships –big and small – were all stopped or slowed down.

10. 9. 8. 7. 6.

I was anxious. What’s it going to be like?

5. 4. 3. 2.

This is it!

1.

HONK!!!! HONK HONK!!!!! HONK!!!

All the ships at sea were honking their steel horns away. It was loud, the loudest ‘horny’ orchestra I’ve ever heard. Haha. It was so funny that most of us were laughing, amused at the comical affair. I was told that they can only use the horns for serious emergencies, and only on New Year’s Eve that they have the liberty to honk as they wish. Some of the sailors or fishermen were shouting “yey!! Tahun Baru!!” “Selamat Tahun Baru!!!” One definitely caught my ear. “Tahun Baru aku nak bini baru!!!” Haha. Priceless.

We took some photos, we sang the old English Auld Lang Syne, and we took some more photos and then chatted for a little bit before everyone realized how their beds seemed like a slightly better place to be at that instant. I was exhausted by the end of all that. It was a new thing. A new experience (though may be ordinary in a lot of ways). But it is just how it should be to start a new year. It was perfect.

I’m off to a very jolly start and I hope that the rest of the year would be to. I don’t mind a bit of bumps and bangs once in a while, but I certainly hope that life would be a little easy on me so that I can endure the year with ultimate coolness (like I always did hehe) and to finally end it in style.

I pray that yours would be a fantastic one, too. And that you get to accomplish your new year’s resolutions – for real this time!

So long, for now. Happy Embracing 2008!!!

a birthday gift

i rarely receive expensive presents for my birthday. i only normally get "reasonably priced" things, or handmade goodies, which i like all the same (the effort people put into them touched me). however, this time around, i was spoilt a little. and being on the receiving end, i was fortunate and grateful. it was Daisy. an EDP by marc jacobs. here's a pic:




the fragrance is flowery, and reminded me of the verge of spring. i dig the whole thing - bottle, smell, the three huge daisies on top of the bottle cap..everything.

except that, i really love the Maybe Baby parfum by Benefit. its smell is something that would make you think of..hmm, me? *sheepish grin* i like it for the fact that it is very low-fi, subtly seductive and all the things along that line.

not that im taking Daisy for granted, i love them both. but i'll slave my way to get my hands on Maybe Baby (not like literally slave, perhaps save up a dime or two a day, no pressure on me). well, a broke girl can dream right? maybe, baby!

twenty is not such a big deal anyway

i thought it was going to be like super exciting, and life-changing in some ways, and im going to have a major freak-out moment, but no, i was fine. it was just like any other day..worse, in fact. it started out with a mega battle with a family member. i lost and was quite down and upset throughout the entire day. well-wishes from friends and family consoled me a tad, but not enough to bring up the mood i had initially in the morning. and by the end of the day, i just thought "twenty isn't such a big deal after all".

of dreams

do you dream in black and white?

just a thought

At times we may forget that soldiers are just people like everyone else. They laugh, they cry, they have sweethearts and mothers, birthdays and favorite cars - and they die. Sometimes when we are celebrating victories we forget about those who made it possible, those who gave the ultimate sacrifice for their country.

the best tunes to aidilfitri

i love all the Raya songs. however, i only have two favorite Raya songs that i would go nuts if i didn't listen them aired on the radio. those two songs are:

*drumrolls*

2. Cahaya Aidilfitri - Ramlah Ram
1. Sepasang Kurung Biru - Khairil Johari Johar

i love these two songs for respectively different reasons. i will include the lyrics here:

Cahaya Aidilfitri

Saujana indah pandangan
Alam keliling di desa permai
Saujana handai dan taulan
Masa berhimpun beramai-ramai
Riang suasana
Gurau senda sesama keluarga
Gembira menantiMenjelang cahaya aidifitri
Selamat Selamat Hari Raya
Salam ucapan untuk semua
Aidilfitri kita raikan
Bersama kesyukuran
Bergema suara takbir
Laungan suci di sini sana
Bersyukur pada Ilahi
Menjelma kini hari yang mulia

( 1 )
Riang suasana
Umat islam miskin dan kaya
Gembira di hati
Menyambut aidilfitri

( 2 )
Selamat Selamat hari Raya
Salam ucapan untuk semua
Aidilfitri kita raikan
Bersama kesyukuran

( 2 )
Selamat Selamat hari Raya
Salam ucapan untuk semua
Ampun dan maaf kita bersama
Selamat hari Raya


Sepasang Kurung Biru

Tiada salam atau ucapan
Tiada pesan tanda ingatan
Suasana penuh keriangan
Ku teringat pada seseorang
oh...

Di hari yang berbahgia ini
Hatiku kosong dan sepi sekali
Betapa manis kenangi lalu
Menyambut raya bersama denganku
oh...

( korus )
Tiada bisikan lembut yang ku dengar
Hanya suara azan sayup bergema
Masih kurasakan hangat tanganmu
Di pagi raya bersalam dengan ku
Tetamu datang tetamu pergi
Namun tak tiba orang ku nanti
Hanya sepasang kurung nan biru
Menjadi teman mengubat rindu ku

let's write some more!

8:30 am -- psychology -- presentation

11.30 am -- study -- for nihongo no tesuto
-- work -- phonetics project

2:00 pm -- japanese -- oral test
-- listening test

4.oo pm -- work -- phonetics project

8:00 pm -- phonetics -- submit project

cant wait till it's time to get out of this hell!!

i shall not freak out. especially when it IS the perfect time to freak out. workload is surmountably huge, it simply sounds ridiculous. man, i wish i had a few more hands and brains.

no.

maybe i should wish for less work.

as of this moment, i have a bunch of things to be done and submitted TODAY, but i'l resort to this.

for crapping is my only solace.

(i want to laugh my heart out now! -- just to ease the tense)

ambulances' sirens

i heard the ambulance from my bedroom last night. and i wondered, who could that person be? i wondered if it was someone i know. or someone who i have met before. sometimes when i hear the ambulance passing by i would imagine myself at the place of the person being rushed off to the hospital.

would anyone have wondered if it was me inside?

heck, we're human

right this moment, there's nothing else i'd rather be than myself. there are many shortcomings, but heck, we're human. to change a person's temperament is not an easy thing to do, but yes, we can try. i know, i am all i'll ever be - but i can try.

there are no special things

there are no special things.

only normal things looking like magic.

miracles. do they exist?

time will tell. how much time do i have left?

i should wait. am i patient?

give me a hint. i cant tell.

belief. i do have.

faith. checked.
...
im good.

life's not complicated

a good old friend of mine called last night..and it was very awkward at first. weird cause he never called me. after some time of junking (we coined that word) finally he said he is going through some kind of a problem. and need some time off. nway, point is, he left me pondering on his final advice before he hung up. he said:

"life is not complicated. we are."

which is sort of true. i found myself believing in those words. some things are very obvious and simple, but we tend to complexify it. yes, yes. very true.

maybe this principle might help me to be more optimistic about things.

thank you, man.

it isnt fair

it's not fair. it's not fair and it will never be. how can you feel obliged to return someone's love when you don't actually have to?

happiness

is it important to be happy? i used to think it isnt, but i soon learned that it is primarily essential. everyday, it is a common view we see where people laugh and smile with friends and families, but how do we know if they are happy? does it show through facial expressions and words? or is it intrinsic, a feeling that only the person knows?

being happy is important. my dad always ask me about my career choices. and his advice before pursuing a goal would be to deliberate the most fundamental question : "do i want to be rich or happy?". from the point you answer that, the journey's half completed.
happiness is a priceless sensation. you may be going through the worst time of your life, or a major bad hair day, but it is possible to feel happy despite of that. when you are happy, bad things are fragranced.

happiness is constant. but it is also a phase. it might be extreme, but most of the times it is moderate. happy people dont go around putting a huge smile on their faces. they might be wearing a blank expression, but their hearts are spilling with happiness that others couldnt see. that excess happiness is spread to people around them and that is why, happy people attracts people. they share their bliss.

most people get confused. they think they are happy, but the fact is, they are not. what they are feeling, is not happiness, but comfort. dont jumble up between being comfortable and happy. you may think they are similar, but they look different, they are spelled differently, and they totally feel different.

currently, i have so many problems to settle, so many things to do, so many issues to think of. things turn from bad to worse. i dont have everything i wanted. but i do have something. i think i am happy.

so, is it really that important to be happy?

oh, yes.

.a (three, actually) sin.

situation: i stole a magazine of Christian understanding from a clinic in town.
reason: there was an article on the Armour of God that i need to finish reading and suddenly it was already time to go. because of my deep drive to seek knowledge, stealing seemed to be the best option.

sin (1): stealing is a crime.
sin (2): something 'religious' was stolen.
sin (3): the venue of the crime was inappropriate.

resolution: i regretted the action and vowed not to commit any of the above sins.

harlem

what happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry uplike a raisin in the sun?
or fester like a sore --
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
or crust and sugar over --
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

or does it explode?

a prayer

never at all a second gone,
without me crying and mourn,
i pray humbly to you.. God,
to save me from this treacherous lot.

They preach kindness,
but they practice it not.
They ask for peace,
but war is what they sought.
They sing for love,
but to love back they won't.
They kill their brothers,
to unite as one they don't.

oh, the Most Merciful!
let go of my hands never,
save me from all these Fools,
save me today --and forever.



writer's note: the poet wrote this when she felt that the world is a big hipocricy and not less than a contradiction. nobody else is better at keeping the world and the people at bay than Him. and because of that, she communicated with Him in the hopes that the world would be a better place, at least, before it ends once and for all.

*this is a private property of theroyalcrapster.

what i want

what do i want?
what do i want?
what do i want?

i want peace.

in my mind --
in my land, and
in my soul.

time flies

very recently, i had a craving - not in the form of food or things, however a feeling of wanting to meet people that i've long forgotten about. i found an album full of my high school pictures - specifically, those of my form 1 year. i've been looking for this particular album for ages but failed to be detected. haha. now, i just missed all of them (my f1 classmates)!!

we all looked so young and innocent. with perculiar poses and the 'peace' sign can be seen in 8 out of 10 pictures. how cute. the good old days..

i guess, for me to meet again with all of them, especially the ones im not very close to, is really difficult. almost impossible. how i wished i had known them better.

when i looked at those pictures, with some of the people i couldnt remember the names and teachers i forgot they ever taught me, i thought to myself "hmm, how time flies.."

the sad fact is, u didnt even notice when time passes by.

yesterday

fa came to my house yesterday, after i sent my sister (lia) to sekolah agama. well, it wasnt planned, just that we both felt really bored, so she decided to come to my house. she came, and we had a mini jam. i played some songs on the piano and sang. fa sang too.

then i played some of fa's songs and mine. and that's when we both decided to really get serious with the songs. cause honest to goodness, they were kind of good. haha. well, sing-a-longable. kah2.

however she forgot to bring her guitar along, so we couldnt realy work it out. now im working on the intro of one (untitled) song. hope it come out okay.

morningstar

I saw a star beneath the stairs glowing through the melting walls. Who will be the first to begin their fall? Or will we become one? Am I the star beneath the stairs? Am I a ghost upon the stage? Am I your anything? I saw a star beneath the stairs glowing bright before descent and in the morning there is nothing left but what's inside of me. And I don't want to die tonight; will you believe in me? And I don't want to fall into the light. Will you wish upon? Will you walk upon me? I don't want to die tonight. Will you believe in me?

ordinary day

today i woke up, watched martha stewart on telly, spent a little time worrying about the paper tomorrow, then took a shower, got worried again and then went for brunch.

life couldnt be anymore normal than that. i love life!

yeah right..

i dont expect anything fun for the rest of the day, but couldnt wait for the whole finals to over. four down, two more to go. yea baby!

then i can start planning my social life, get reunited with some of my dear peeps, organize myself and probably waste the rest of the holiday staring into space.

huh, it's been such a long time.

cant wait :)

just blurbs 1

what u feel you are is what you really are..i think.

just blurbs 2

there's so many of us.so many people who look, act, talk and dress like me.and you. yet, i am an individual. we are individuals. everyone is their own person.

gobsmacked!

i wanted to write something, but it suddenly didnt come out. shit. i have no idea what the freak is going on up there (in my brain). alright then, it'll have to be later i guess. ugh. i seriously hate it. another case of short-term memory. nak kena makan kismis banyak-banyak nih. biar memory kasi kuat sket. patutlah sejarah pmr dulu dpt B. hish, kecoh..kecoh.

new year, new me?

new year, new me..? take a second to laugh at that statement. i dont bloody think solah. it's very difficult. this year im turning 20 and it's scarying me (though we know it's not like its gonna kill me). shoot. i have soo many things to be done yet before it's all too late. argh. no pressures! super. now i have to go organize my all-messy, shrubby life. where do i start? oh. i need an organizer.

unjustifiable

why do men think they can justify death? i question the same thing as mel gibson in the patriot. if everyone has the same mindset - to kill a person in order to justify the death that the person has committed - then everyone would have been dead by now.

it looks fair to some. maybe that's why they implemented the death penalty for murderers and the likes. when you kill someone, then you got killed. vice versa. then the executioner should be killed too, as he killed the killer that killed the person who was killed by him. got what i mean?
so i suggest that we should think this matter over. as it will give a certain euphorical feeling. like u get to solve the da vinci code or something. but it is an important matter. just that no one really give a thought about it.

thus, give me some feedbacks on this.

why do men think they can justify death?

just blurbs 6 : you feel it, but you dont

i had to laugh. i just had to. sometimes, (most of the times actually) i was too confused with myself that laughter is the only thing that'll resolve everything. like, bringing a climax to the whole drama. hahahahaha (there you go, still laughing)

or is it just me. maybe it's within me, biologically. maybe if you drop into a series of unstoppable laughter, (for no particular reason, be it reasonable or not) you're in some kind of a disease. sheesh. the laughter syndrome.

confusion and laughter. great combo. hahaha (still laughing, but mentally though coz people are staring).

you know, i got confused over some trivial, most microscopic stuff. i feel it, but i dont. or rather, i feel it, but i dont like the feeling.

rephrase please. i feel it, i like it, but i dont want commitment.that's more like it. now i should stop laughing.hahahaahahaha.

i can't. it's just euphorical. there's a solution!

just blurbs 4: when you wish for too much

you can dream, you can wish. you can hope for everything in the world to be yours. but be careful not to be hurt by what you dream for. cause you might just not get it. even if you do, it doesn't guarantee you'd be the happiest man alive. maybe yes, but maybe not for long. you can wish as much as you want. just don't wish for too much. somebody might get hurt.

just blurbs 3: when you're not who you are

when are you not who you are? several varied situations.

now or never

I watch the morning dawn upon your skin
A splinter in the light
It caught and frayed the very heart of us
It's been hiding there inside for all this time
How a sure thing winds up just like this
Clockwork silence only knows
And it's no one's fault
There's no black and white
Only you and me
On this endless night
And as the hours run away
With another life
Oh, darling can't you see
It's now or never
It's now or never
Sleeping anxious still at 3 am
We're trying far too hard
The tattered thought balloons above our heads
Sinking in the weight of all we need to sayWhy's and what if's have since long played out
Left us short on happy endings
And it's no one's fault
There's no black and white
Only you and me
On this endless night
And as the hours run away
With another life
Oh, darling can't you see
It's now or never
It's now or never
You know that there's so much more
And it's no one's fault
There's no black and white
Only you and me
On our final night
And as the hours run away
With another life
Oh, darling can't you see
It's now or never
It's now or never


p/s: i luv the words, i just had to put it here. by josh groban

i just talked to a person who thinks he was being judged. clearly, the name can not be revealed for confidential purposes. he is not straight but has a really kind heart. he decided to take part in donating some blood at the campaign the other day.

however, the person at the registration counter refuse to let him donate cause he has the tendency to get HIV/AIDS. i know that might be true. but brushing him off like he's some kind of a walking disease is totally not appropriate.

she should let him know properly of the reasons why he couldn't and should next time take off the sceptical look from her (oops) face.

basically, im just an advocate for my poor friend, which i know has been hurt many times with people who does not have a sense of sensitivity in them.

for you, my friend, just take a deep breath and move on. you chose to be the way you are and therefore you have to swallow the sweet and bitter. anything, gimme a buzz.

all that i've got - the used

So deep, that it didn't even bleed and catch me Off guard, red handed Now I'm far from lonely Asleep I still see you lying next to me So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I... I need something else would Someone please just give me Hit me and knock me out And let me go back to sleep I can laugh All I want inside I still am empty So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I... I'll be just fine Pretending I'm not I'm far from lonely And it's all that I've got I guess, I remember every glance you shot me Un-harmed, im losing weight and some body heat I squoze so hard I stopped your heart from beating So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me, I.... I'll be just fine Pretending I'm not I'm far from lonely And it's all that I've got And it's all that I've got Yeah, it's all that I've got It's all that I've got It's all that I've got! So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me I'll be just fine Pretending I'm not I'm far from lonely and it's all that I've got And it's all that I've got Yeah, it's all that I've got

alfie made me wonder

i was watching 'alfie' when it occured in my mind about the people around me. how much they've sacrificed for my sake, how tolerable they've been with my antics and shortcomings, how they've seen my imperfections as a gift that only i have..

all these thoughts made me realized how thankful i should be. yes, people come and go. but they have certainly left a mark. some came for a very short while and disappear as soon as a blink of an eye - but left the greatest impact. some stayed for a very long time - like the time i would take to finish my vegetables, but affect me just a little bit. how i would explain the 'impact' is totally subjective according to my preferences.

i've wondered a lot about "jodoh dan pertemuan". like if someone i would always, but eventually meet out of the blue is truly someone i should give more attention to, if you get what i mean. or if someone who has always been by my side possibly means nothing to me..just a matter of geographical factors. like im close to that person because i only have him/her, or because i really want to be close to that person, have mutual connections.

i've wondered if a friend can be called a friend. or should only be called acquaintance, because he/she don't really play a role as a friend - just there because of a situation,coincidentally. i really don't know how to explain this.ugh. then, would i be friendless? maybe i have many acquaintances but no friends. or maybe the other way around. or none of both. nada. zilch.
geez.this sucked,my mind suggested.

i've wondered the answers for the questions. but ended up eating Tesco potato chips while starring into space. my mouth chewing on auto-pilot.

like 'alfie', i guess the answers will just come along by itself. time is what i have plenty of, and my journey's just beginning. i'll leave the questions as it is for now.