just one more time

i've put my mind to it. and now it's really a problem to take it out of my head.
i think, it might explode.

in between four years.
in the course of twenty years.

only once, just once.
that one time i had.
that was all.

in between four years.
in the course of yet,
another twenty years.

there could be another,
and it could be twice.

oh God. help me go through this. breathe patience into me for i have a long and torturing wait before me. i have yet to find out if there will be a second time. hopefully, time is on my side. hopefully, it will still be there.

haiku on the hour

the wind blows here, there
gently; blew, caressed and went
- like migrating birds.

i once heard from someone who said something really worth quoting, especially now.

"i am missing the feeling of missing something"

i miss all the things i have been doing for the past few months, i miss everyone i have been fated to see each day of the past few months. and one person in particular - out of no reason.

or maybe there is a reason. it is for the ending we had. certainly not one that i (or we) expected to have. the distance, the differences. unattainable, unmanageable, unabriged. i regret everything i said, and the things i didn't say.

but out of all that, i am happy for all that happened. i learned from it. an experience, a person i will never forget for the rest of my life. an episode i had wished for my entire life. it happened; although it ended a bit differently. i loved everything about it. and i miss it now. i want to go back to that time.

i need a time machine.

:p

Look at your outfit!!

Yes, clearly somebody thinks that whatever you wear means a lot to not only you, but also to everyone that sees you. I was walking down Russell St of Melbourne City, and I saw this sprayed on the tar pavement. I wonder, how many people thought about his/her appearance when they saw this 'public message' and turn back to change their outfits..cause i definitely, immediately checked mine (although i didnt necessarily think about changing it.haha) but i admit, there was a slight feeling of 'care' for a while :p

we definitely need this kind of reminders everywhere, for people like me. lol

you cry, and nobody cries with you

in contrary to the previous post, i now feel like a bucket full of bullsht.

i hate this path i am on.

hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate

it leads me to nowhere.

and i am sad.

really, really sad.

:'(

people have been asking me how i was doing (there) and how i have been (here). it is somewhat tiresome since i myself am just starting to get a grip of things. too many things are happening at one single moment, in a good way of course!

hehe. well, generally all things life have been on the upside, upside, upside! i can never be happier..(let me keep the reasons to myself :p)

studies. im kind of catching up a LOT. i have to. i've missed 2-3 weeks worth of classes.

the Alma MATTERS

i just realized this morning over breakfast, how important my schooling days are to me. and as important as they seemed to be to me, they clearly aren't so important to some other people.

why do i say this? because the schools i went to, they are all no longer where they used to be (or no longer here in the face of earth); hence, no tangible memories for me. i cant be doing what others from other schools would do when they have children of their own, which is to proudly show their alma maters and curate the experiences they had growing in the fences of the school.

my kindergarten:

Tadika Fatima, Jalan Ampang KL.
attended from 5years old to 6years old.

- I had the best time of my childhood years here. My favourite teacher in the whole wide world, Teacher Noor. The last time I saw this building being used as a SCHOOL was in 1997.

- Has now been turned into a Syarikat Menjual Kereta Terpakai. there are more than 30 cars there on the compound where we used to have our sports day. *swear word* *swear word*


my primary school and some secondary:

Bukit Bintang Girls' School (BBGS), Jalan Raja Chulan KL.
attended from 7years old to 13 years old.

- Got to know some of the best people who are now my close friends, still.
- The place was strategic: across was Tower Records (where the Moffats once set foot on, with us girls shrieking on the balcony), Star Hill, BB Plaza, The Marriot Hotel, Karyaneka etc etc. it's in the middle of the forked road. Traffic jam inevitable.
- The place where i embarked on the 'terowong' investigation. found a tunnel that led to three other schools in KL (namely St. Mary's, St. John's, Convent Bukit Nanas)
- Very near to my dad's former office: Lot 10. i used to go to his office and look at my school from the 20th floor.
- My most favourite mamak stall that my dad and i used to go after school is situated at the alley between the office and the school. That guy definitely serves the best mee goreng mamak, EVER.

- Was demolished in the year 2001.
- Has now been totally 'revamped' as the Pavilion high-end shopping centre. YES. the huge building that homes some of the best renowned coutures and brand labels.
- the school is now moved to Taman Shamelin and renamed as Sekolah Seri Bintang Utara. it is now a co-ed school and no longer an all-girls school.

because of some selfish persons who feel obliged to contribute to the consumer world, my schools were sacrificed. and they are buildings from the colonnial era, so indeed, you would think there would be some sentiment there for antiquity and old architecture..but no. all they care about is to make more money, regardless.

:'(

moronic morning musings

just when you thought you are safe, there comes the crossroad again..and that three humongous containers. you sort of dragged your foot in front of the other, as if forcing it to decide the path you would be taking. or should be taking.

you think: is this all worth it? do i even have to decide? if i decide, does it even matter? who will it matter to, if it does?

you feel like crap, you feel undutiful, you are fickle and you are stuck.

and the things you carry with you, they have to be sorted out in those three containers. you label the containers.

so which goes into which? you can't bring them all, you have to let go, you have to be free, to actually be able to decide.

you cant seem to let go, you figured that they could be useful to you someday; that they might try to get you in the afterlife, that you can try to love these things again..

but hell, reality hits you hard like a meteor. these things you 'own', they have no hearts. they cannot feel. they wont be able to love you back. they cant appreciate. they will be cycled and then they will leave you.

which they did.

supersleep

i want nothing more, now, than to fall into a deeeeeeeep slumber, for as long as my eyes long for.

i want to really sleep and dream of good dreams.

i want to be refreshed, rejuvenated, re-un-eyebagged, restored with energy.

i want all these fundamental needs of Maslow's hierarchy to be fulfilled.

coz i need to be focused, need to be tough,

this time around you bet it's going to be rocky.

i have to be prepared

- yeah, i'm roughin' it baby!

fever here, and there

i am 42 degrees.

when i got back from campus yesterday, the last thing i needed now came to visit, finally. ahhh the fever.

i've been online to suffice myself with the latest updates on our brothers and sisters in Gaza, and all i can see is blur images of blood-wrenched faces and bodies, and walls, and guns. words became fuzzy, and i tried to catch on some keywords.

well it is a really sad thing. one would think that this would happen sooner or later, and the day finally arrived. like this fever.

they certainly have issues thats been kept inside for one too many years. and now they're giving the old cannon a go.

i hope now when i go to sleep that all of this would go away. please, God. help them. or help us help them.

im really tired now, i need to go to sleep and clear the storm in my head for a while.

have a great night to the rest of you :)

home, finally

it was unbelievable. it is surreal to me, now.

a period of time came and left, just like that.

again i taste all of it that i have put aside for a while:

the familiar smell, the sights and sounds, the people.

God, it is the best place in the whole wide world.

it feels good to be here, again.

this is home.

:)

try is a strong word

people, at their best, are still short of perfect. nothing anybody can do could make them perfect..but there are almost perfect people.

in the end, what counts is the fact that we even tried. trying is a huge thing to me. but some people think that to try is to do something without actually doing it. yes, they want the results to be apparent to them before they actually acknowledge the 'trying'.

this is why, i think, most people stopped trying. because they were criticized for doing so. nobody gave them the encouragement they expected to get in the process of trying. trying is a process. a journey. an endurement towards a destination of destiny. it takes courage, support, belief and faith.

everyday, people try to be something..either to be a better version of what they are or to be the worse. and in my case right now, i am trying to find myself. i thought i found it, but it doesn't suit me. im trying to find the best, most noble; the version i myself would like to see in other people, that is hidden somewhere in me. and or for that matter, i really appreciate people who dont judge, and people who dont even have the best interest in me trying but would like to see me do so without passing criticizations to make me stop trying.

why do we take, if we can't give back?

this world has become a huge orbiting monster. im shit scared of it, and especially the fact that im actually living in it. monster, in the sense of its retaliation and agitation we have seen before our eyes happening in this short years.

most of all, im scared of the people living in the world. my idea of a perfect world is to witness the world being evergreen; defying the aging process, safe from harm of irresponsible exploiters named human. abusers of the great creation of the Mighty God, using the name of human kind, using its wealth and nutritions for the benefit of the exclusived.

walking along the straight, untouched paths of the roads from the town of Kingston, Victoria, one is certainly reminded of the goodness this kind nature has given us, and how much we have taken from it. we have done nothing but take, take and take from it all this while. it is high time we give back as much as we can.

hold the time

it is christmas day today, and i rushed back home from a friend's place in magill this morning. had to take a bus to the city, wait for a freaking hour for the bus to my house before i had to endure yet another 40minutes to finally arrive. it is a public holiday. yes, and that reads infrequent buses. as an economical public-transportation enthusiast, i still have problems with waiting. patience is virtue, undeniably, but if i were to accumulate the time spent just for the wait from all the years i've taken a public transport, i bet it could take up more than a quarter of my 21 years of life.

man, i can never roll back the time i've spent to just wait. in general, waiting is pure pain. it kills you from the inside - slowly and torturingly.

would you rather be the person waiting, or the person who made others wait?

sometimes, it can do you some good to choose the latter. less harm. but in fact, this varies to situation. and the kind of situation i am in now, i'd rather wait.


wait
wait wait
wait wait wait
wait wait wait wait
wait wait wait wait wait
wait wait wait wait
wait wait wait
wait wait
wait

if we wait and wait, would we be left behind? will we be static, or will we actually move together with the rest of the world. what if everyone waits..then the world would pause and nothing would happen. can we blame each other then, for everything we waited for will never be achieved?



***

had a game night with yusri "rifle", euan, and ho san. it was awesome.

some wild ride

it has been quite a long while since i pour some juice from this brain and devote some time to blogging. things are going at warp speed in whirlwinds. i've only got two hands and one body which, if i could, i would have divided into several other me's and delegate different stuff to do.

these few weeks have put me to the test of many things important in life. and the gracing skies have witnessed friendships and relationships being bonded in many ways unexpected.

i am happy for the days i have lived and survived - with faith and dignity still close in tact. some things are just too precious to be sacrificed for trivial matters, i found. and now, i put the selfishness aside and are able to realize that dependibility is salient at all cost. as it is a second nature to rely on nothing but myself, i have now learned the fine points of purposely putting yourself in the vulnerable spot and, just out of nothingness, hold out your hand for someone else to reach.

being in the house with no one else but the TV surely drives me to stay out and away as much as possible from it. after a few days slaving myself to the dirt and parasite in every nook and cranny of the house, i was left with nothing else to do.

during the days, i wear my alter ego: salad girl, and bust my ass of at the sri lankan eatery. hold on a sec, they eat salad in sri lanka? at least my days are not so bland. after work till night, i spend time with great company, friends who kill my nightmares of being cold and lonely in a house somewhere in the middle of nowhere. haha. thank god for them.

indeed, if i were to put things up in a bun (made-up expression. Li Eng hates it when i say it.lol), i will never be able to write about the experiences, the emotions, the thoughts and whatever else that comes in the package of these past few weeks.

a lot has happened:

1. the sydney-melbourne-Great Ocean Road trip. everything encased in this trip will definitely be in my top shelves of great episodes in life. what more, the trip is filled with unexpected encounters with people and the process of adapting and getting to know more about them..it was refreshing :)

2. zayna's graduation, as well as yusri's, euan's, my classmate in Lit (how the heck she graduate before me?), and some other friends. it was very momentous :)

3. meeting more people, old and new friends. the next time i see them, it could be my last time meeting them as the time has almost arrived for me to go back home. hehe


there are many other things, but as they say, time waits for no man, and now i might have to catch it. i will continue soon. ta!

it is a teasing truth

from the moment i wake up
to the moment i sleep
the image playing in fast motion
the music playing on repeat

same old story
again and
again and
over and
over and

i cant leave it there
where it belong
in that black box
with that old song

open up
clam up
shut up
close up

what do i do
to get through
of what is true
for me and you

Both sides the tweed

Yes, when all else fails, you have yourself to turn to. you have friends, therapists, family to share whatever that is bugging you, but nobody would understand what you go through but yourself. nobody could see the things you see from your point of view. indeed, our eyes may look the same, but they dont necessarily look at things the same way.

and after the endless conversations you have with your mind - contemplating over strict choices, pushing to make salient decisions - you have Him to drop you a hint. and then it's all up to you.

report

location: some korean cyber cafe. pitt street. sydney.

time: morning

purpose: download and upload photos.

elapse time: 24minutes

report: this is taking forever!

a cloud is a shape?

when the clouds:
come together, or
drift from each other,
are they still
the same clouds?

when they move about:
sifted into the sky
shifted when birds fly,
are they still
the same, no doubt?

when they swayed:
in and out
up and about,
could they have
actually stayed?

the patterns they form,
the shapes they make,
can they even
be called shapes?

so how many shapes
can the clouds make?

every second:
when they move,
when they sway,
when they come together,
or out from each other,
they are really making shapes.

there could be a googolplex of shapes up there in the sky:
and nobody would have noticed or cared.
if you do,
see if it's true
(what i said).
count the shapes, give it a try.

don't take time for granted (ha ha)

this week has been hectic, not that it's over, but thus far. we sent off two of our housemates and some friends home. took care of some house issues. AAAANNNDDD, my paper is coming up this saturday.

which is:

TOMORROW

(blinking ala billboard effect)

O M G. honestly, this feels like going into battle without a weapon, or any kind of preparation. i have no metal boots and stainless steel suit on. armor? none. but you must have at least a shining sword? at least nanti boleh main tikam. nope. swiss army knife? tiada. but i do have a penknife.. what are you, a scouts girl? this is THE exam! and despite all that commotion in my pounding head, im sitting here whining away, while i could be more productive and go study.

quote from russell peters (with Indian accent): "This is counter-productive!"

HAHAHA

hani called and she screamed the scream of joy cause she had finally finished hers. (how i wish i was her) and i told her, mine's not over yet, and she went

"oh babe, i thought you dah habis cause you selalu update blog.."

hehe. time for a sheepish grin for greater effects. well, its my guilty pleasure, and i've only got one. and plus its my solace. what if i go mad cause of the unbearable exam pressures? (which is, very unlikely, but still..)

oh God, please make it easy for me tomorrow. light the path and convenienate(?) the journey. thank you.

and meanwhile, i'll save this for after the exam.

the hula dance, bebeh

chow.

if you can't hold children in your arms, hold them in your heart

that was a quote from Clara Hale. i went through the pictures alia passed to me last night. they were awesome, especially of those cute little pumpkins :) they never let me down, always the charmer.

umayr. "dah besar mesti hensem!"

focus habis la tu yeh? hehe

uish, garangnya cik abang!

just can't resist posting up this one. comelll!

these are only some of other great photos of them. kak kay came to my house the other day, so dapat la juga kiss pipi umayr! kalau tak selalu kena 'beratur' or 'berebut'. hehe. famous anak kak kay. i heard news, there's gonna be some new kids on the block! haha. a few mommies on the preggers --> more kids to kacau :D im so proud of these kids! entah bila lagi agaknya dapat jumpa budak-budak ni. masing-masing petah gila bercakap, siap aussie accent lagi tuh. bagus bagus. hehe.

oh boy, now i must sound like a stalker. macam nanny Carrie dalam cerita One Tree Hill tuh. better stop before i can't!

*all photos are courtesy of Alia Mazalan. thanks :)