o re piya (o beloved)

as the leaves of the willow withered to unite in the ground,

as our youth dries up in the age that we now are bound;

as moments speed and time runs leaving us,

as the sun swims in the vagueness of thick dust;

as the droplets of mist reveal only to disappear,

as we triumph our pasts only to shield our fears;

as the young becomes old and the old becomes dead,

as the nature works, our tears we shan't shed.

this poem is written for the amazing individuals who has perished in the name of God throughout the year 2009. it has been a year of great condolences and gloom, but this also serves as a reminder to those who still lives, to continue living and to move on.

i dedicate this especially to Kak Min, whom i respect so much (mostly for her work ethics, which showed in her films), for Michael Jackson (who died a Muslim), for Patrick Swayze (who proved to me that someone can really fall in love with dancing as much as a person), for my good friend, Adlan's mother, for Niza Syazre whose mother just left the world today, and for others i know and don't and their families who might be having a difficult time.

i say hang in there, it's just life.

p/s: the video is courtesy of Ajami Hashim. the short documentary was showed to the audience of the Yasmin Ahmad's Films book launch by Amir Muhammad at Sunway College recently.

3 x 3 x 3

waves crashing

back and forth

hitting shore

.

storm rumbling

rain dripping

through my skin

.

cry of pain

the heart aches

sombreity

.

you became

you wear and

you use

and

you became.

you put on

you watch

and

you became.

you walk and

you talk

and

you became.

you are pushed

you are reduced

you are used

and

you became.

you were asked

you refused

you were forced

and

you became.

you were told

you were told

you were told

and

you became.

you became

but you became

what you are told.

i really went ga-ga!

pretty fly, huh? the transitions to the various songs are really smart! the guys are cute too. hehe.

also, the matte black guitar caught my eye! it's dope!

i say, double thumbs up :)

p/s: i saw the video from lady fira's blog. thanks babe!

i'm a..slaaaave..for you.

post title: credits to Britney Spears. (obviously)


well hello blog,

today was the day that i feel like i "steal bones" (literally translatated from curi tulang).

ironically, i am damn proud of myself. i really needed the sleep la macha.

but, it is not for long. i am headed to the workshop like in a few minutes to continue enslaving myself. we're currently rushing with our set construction (for the theater i mentioned before) and therefore, it's really crunch time.

ah well, i could use some muscle and biceps myself.

anyway, for those interested, check this out. this is what i've been (happily) slaving myself for:

http://whoawillow.wordpress.com

we've been on the radio, tv, newspapers, websites, magazines etc.

go to the featured link on the web and read for yourselves!

ta for now :)


p/s: questions, suggestions regarding the theatre you can just drop it in the comments and i'll take time to enlighten you.

fools rush, wisely.

wisemen say, only fools rush in.

well, i say.. i dont bloody care!

impulsive is good, if you know when and how to be so.

"hidup ini hanya kepingan"

feeling rather mellow tonight.

here's some kick to go with that moon out there. can we say love? :)

Ingatkah Kita Pernah Saling Memimpikan
Berlari-lari Tuk Wujudkan Kenyataan
Lewati Segala Keterasingan
Lalui Jalan Sempit Yang Tak Pernah Bertuan

Ingatkah Kita Pernah Berpeluh Cacian
Digerayangi dan Geliati Kesepian
Walaupun Sejenak Lepas Dari Beban
Tuk Lewati Ruang Gelap Yang Teramat Dalam

Hidup ini Hanya Kepingan
Yang Terasing Di Lautan

Memaksa Kita
Memendam Kepedihan

Tapi Kita Juga Pernah Duduk Bermahkota
Pucuk-pucuk Mimpi Yang Berubah Jadi Nyata
Dicumbui Harumnya Putik-putik Bunga
Putik Impian Yang Membawa Kita Lupa

i know, this is a weird choice of a song (did you notice the "pria punya selera" at the beginning of the video? hehe). but anyways i just cant help but be reminded of the film Ada Apa Dengan Cinta, and i was pretty bumped that this song was played only up to the first chorus in that film. of all the songs from AADC, this song is the best and yet, it received so little recognition. and my, what good lyrics they have!

indeed, life is what you make out of the jigsaw pieces you have in your hands.

and while you can, go fall in love! (or not. whatever, you get my point)

old layout again (omg i have blog layout bipolar)

yey, back to the old look. i didnt even make it through one day. haha. cant stand any other layouts lah. seriously, i better just stick to this. so enchek pengirim e-mail, you can swallow your good intentions coz im most comfortable with this one and heck, this is my blog! lawl.

yet another annoyance

aku mendapat sebuah teks mesej malam tadi yang berbunyi begini:

"Jikalau anda boleh tahan nikmat koleksi video peribadiku yang hebat! sila balas ya. Warning! Hanya utk umur 18 keatas"


wtf.

kalaulah aku boleh tekan spam report ke apa. ish.

bogel

ini dia layout baru yang aku telah pilih.

pertama kali menukar layout blog.

kosong macam rumah baru.

rasa macam berbogel.

putih, instead of hitam.

argh pelik. warna putih adalah warna yang pelik.

kita biar dulu layout baru ni meresap dalam kalbu.

dalam dua hari nanti tengok balik, kalau rasa macam nak muntah, tukar kepada layout asal.

aku terima e-mail sabotaj

ada seorang pembaca blog ini yang memberi ku email baru-baru ini (takde la sabotaj ke apa haha), mengatakan blog aku sangat "boring and lack of visuals". hmm ok. kemungkinan juga ya, tetapi aku memang sengaja kurang meletakkan gambar, kerana aku tidak mahu mengumpul readers yang "visual" dan shallow.

memang aku sengaja menulis tanpa rasa perlu meng'attach' sekali gambar sebagai stimuli atau "visual aid" untuk para pembaca, kerana pada aku, pembaca blog rock paper scissors semuanya penyabar (dengan entries yang panjang berjela dan tiada paragraph, bak kata seorang peminat amir muhammad tuh), dan reti menggunakan teknik skim and scan selain tidak shallow.

dan aku juga tidak mahu meletakkan gambar aku all over the blog kerana aku rasa minda dan hati aku lebih cantik dari muka aku. dan itu adalah sole purpose aku memulakan blog ini 5tahun yang lalu. untuk berkongsi buah fikiran dan meluahkan emosi. bukan untuk menjadi popular, mendapat "Celebrity Blog", "Best Asia Blog Award" etc.

itu sebabnya blog aku tampak "boring" kerana aku nak tengok sejauh mana ramainya orang yang tak 'judge a book by its cover'. dan oleh kerana objektif yang sama juga aku tidak meletakkan "hits" atau "sitemeter" kerana aku bukan menulis atas sebab-sebab di atas.

berpatutan juga dengan ini, aku merasakan yang layout blog haruslah sesuai dengan inti patinya. kalau menulis tentang fashion (i.e.fashion blogs) of course harus meletakkan gambar-gambar baju atau model etc. or macam fotoblog. dan blog aku ini hanyalah sebuah blog meniti kehidupan yang merencana segala perkara-perkara 'in-betweens' dalam hidup seorang insan bernama teroyalcrapster. lantas, aku merasakan tidak perlu untuk aku mempunyai blog layout yang sangat gempak tahap puaka dan padat dengan gambar-gambar.

dan wahai pengirim email, sekiranya kau ingin benar melihat wajahku, silalah add aku di facebook di mana, aku adalah aku dan aku bukanlah diriku yang ingin bermonolog..mu pahe dok apa yang kawe ghoyak ni?

tetapi ada juga betulnya email yang panjangnya separuh muka surat itu.

dia kata "maybe you should try a new layout".

hmm, mungkin it is time. sudah terlalu lama aku menggunakan layout ini. izlia, adik ku yang juga penulis blog, menukar layoutnya dalam sekali setiap minggu! sungguh radikal! dan aku yang dah 5tahun menulis ini, masih guna layout yang sama!!

aku sememangnya menyukai simplicity, dan sesuatu yang intrinsically explicit. pergh apakah maksudnya itu. rungkai lah sendiri. haha.

ok pokoknya, aku rasa ada kemunkinan yang aku akan menukar layout baru. thanks to insan penghantar email. dan layout baru itu haruslah bertepatan dengan jiwa dan rohani aku dan blog aku. dan keputusan ku ini bukan kerana sogokkan email itu, mahupun kerana penulisnya, tetapi kerana aku merasakan yang "it doesnt hurt to change" dan aku juga mahu buktikan bahawa walaupun luarannya tampak berbeza, di dalam masih serupa.

it is that feeling, of wanting to talk to somebody,

but you dont know who.

motif?

aku rasa menyampah dengan kepura-puraan yang sudah nyata lagi bersuluh. talam dua muka juga aku rasa patut dihukum atau paling tidak, diberi pengajaran. entah lah, rasanya sudah besar panjang untuk dileteri, dan oleh kerana faktor usia yang semakin meningkat itu juga yang membuatkan aku rasa penat untuk melayani karenah-karenah sebegini.

sikap kebudak-budakan. membenci satu sama lain. menikam belakang. semua itu hanyalah senarai pendek perkara-perkara yang bisa diperlakukan. penat, menyampah, sakit hati. itu pula kesan rentetan perbuatan-perbuatan tersebut terhadap perasaan mangsa dan pemangsa.

sudah aku rasai semua itu dan tidak mahu lagi aku berada dalam situasi yang sama. dan aku percaya, kalian pun merasa yang serupa.

my birthday song

this song goes out to all the December babies out there, and one very special friend who shares the same day with me, the 6th, Munirah Hishamshah.




h a p p y b i r t h d a y :)

to Ingrid, you never fail to make beautiful music :p

hmm

big or small, change is essential, and inevitable.

what an ass

What does Alfred Noble has in mind when he first established the Nobel Peace Prize award decades ago? namely, it should be awarded to:

‘the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses.’

therefore, is it appropriate that Barack Hussein Obama receive this award after announcing to send more US army troops to Afghanistan? quoting him saying that he prefers not to hand off the nation to another president.

i know this is practically old news, but it's still relevant right now as he decided to end his 92-day report on the war yesterday with that speech and to actually have mutual agreement with the UK and France to keep on sending troops.

Obama is a puppet. He is deceiving and blowing that smoke screen in front of the people of the world, especially to the Muslims saying "now there, why are you mad at me for? im just doing the right thing. this war shall end that long endless war president Bush set up". for one, a war will never be good. the nature of war itself is evil, but there's no need to make a twist on the "intentions" of war. we all know, war is the epitome of all things bad.

on that account, just like a "by the way" thing, i have never actually believed that bullshit of a nobel prize anyway. exaggerated, and those who ever received that, mostly are jews pretending to be 'victims' or 'underdogs' in whatever field they are in, and then to rise as heroes helping out with the world fraternity. i say berambus with your nobel. Tun Dr. Mahathir should be receiving that. He worked his good ass of to stop that war with the "Criminalize War" conference and everything.

the nobel prize is a ticket. its like if you have that, you are entitled to do anything, and they all would seem "noble". so now, with that new label for Hussein Obama, i believed he's more than happy to use it, for the "benefits" of everyone. why, thank you United States of A*sholes, i believe we have been more peaceful without you interfering in the business of others.

i managed to calm myself down, hearing about the news of Obama receiving the award, some time back. but today i just had to at least say something cause i just felt so baffled and and amused at the joke that he was pulling. like wth. you think we're stupid? obviously some 'former president' has a say in this too. and we all know that guy wants something badly.

to end this, (although my heart and mind is still unrested about the whole thing) i think we all ought to stop believing to propaganda or anything that looks too good to be true. in mass, we are all too vulnerable. ironic, indeed.

the tunnel

some things have gone back to normal. i used to be hopeful, and ridicule my own wishful thinking. but nature do have its way of making things happen. most of the times, unexpectedly; when you think it's an inch to impossible..it happens, just to prove you wrong.

how funny, nature pulling your leg. sometimes i think God might have a sense of humour that we all over-looked.

and here it is, at this very moment.
me, looking down the tunnel in retrospective. i wouldnt have expected any of the things that happened would take course in my life.

the tunnel is full of surprises. especially of what lies at the end of it.

difficult feeling

something's squeezing real tight at the end of my jantung.

hmm.

i miss my students.


really, really miss all of them :'(

Bercerita tentang Si Pencerita

I just finished reading Amir Muhammad's Yasmin Ahmad's Films, and i have to say, it envoked a lot of things in me. just within that one read of the book, i have travelled back and forth to the past, present and future.

one, is because it is pre-requisite, to be able to mentally travel to these separate sections as you need to recall Yasmin's films that you've watched, as you are reading. second, as it involved so many emotions that are relatable to the many life experiences we (the readers)'ve been through, that you jumped from one memory of your life to another constantly. third, i cant help visiting the things that could be ahead of time as i think about the things that Yasmin might have come up with..and how she could actually change our nation, and eventually, the world.

critics have been criticizing (coz thats just what they do) Yasmin's work for as long as i can remember. but thats the thing; they often mark her down for, the technicalities of her products. they see her films as her work, not her art. there's a huge difference there that you could put mexico in between.

she often quotes andrew wyeth (a great painter), and the essence of the quotes are normally consisting of how your emotions and feelings as an artist are portrayed in your art; that art cannot be forced. therefore art is pure, honest, true and simple. unless the beholder of the criticisms want them to be otherwise.

what amir has done is his book, is basically just straightening out all the misconceptions and judgements of people who've made negative remarks, and have constrained ideas of her films. he did an amazing job of laying out all the facts (i.e. the symbolisms in Yasmin's films), and at the same time express his personal views of the films and adverts. he also inserted trivias in the book about the things related to the films or Yasmin herself (i.e. the green tea donut. it was her

favourite j.co flavour, and thus was made the cover of the book).

me personally, when i watch her films, i get more than what i see. there are so many subtexts, and yet she managed to put it all in as simply and as unflustered as possible. her films gave room for debates and discussions, because she normally would deliberately leave some space for the viewers' interpretations and ideas of "how it could be". she lets the audience craft with her, to make it relevant to them too.

i like all her films, except for Mukhsin. it's just too stretched and i have a lot of wtf? moments when i watched it. i might have to watch it again and see how i react then.

of all her works, my most favourite is her film, brilliantly called Talentime. i love it even more, after i read Amir Muhammad's commentary on this film in his book. the fact that it's her last film, also undeniably adds to the appeal. i love everything about this film, that i wished i had written it myself. haha. oh by the way, i love everything about the film, except for the plastic family ties of Melur's family, and Melur herself. Pamela Chong? are you kidding me? she hasnt gone through much in her life and that shows in her acting. whereas her character is supposed to be well-developed. how can you be so calm when you almost lost your loved one! dammit. so it's the fault of wrong casting of Melur and maybe her siblings too. if the film should be criticized, its because of them. hahaha! (yes im blunt with criticising).

anyways, amir muhammad is a fantastic writer and very informative too. his language is simple, yet has a depth that you would not understand if you were so ignorant. in some ways, he reminds me of Yasmin. yes of course because he is writing about her, but also maybe his style of writing, which i think if translated, would be how yasmin did her films. simple, deep, meaningful and most importantly appear as if they (yasmin and amir) are talking to us through their arts.

loser, tapi tak kalah

aku rasa, tak ada seorang yang lebih loser dari aku. terutama selepas kejadian hari ini.

buktinya? hanya dengan satu perkataan: bunkface.

dengar saja alunan gitar, atau suara-suara ala sam, pasti aku terkejar-kejar mencari. dah jumpa, nampak pula raut wajah youk. dan seterusnya paan. jantung terus berdegup bagai bunyi dram rentak lagu revolusi. ah, apakah perasaan ini?

hari ini, aku ditugaskan untuk menyebarkan flyers di sekitar jalan bukit bintang, di mana event everyone connects TM berlangsung. ramai orang tidak terhingga. kebanyakkannya para muda-mudi berkaca mata RayBan, tak pun berkacamata nerdy geeky yang super besar, berseluar skinny, berkasut reebok, vans, macbeth, tiger etc. aku tidak pedulikan.

objektif ku hanya dua:

1. menyebar sampai habis flyers ku. dan memberi informasi tentang tayangan teater itu.
2. melihat kelibat bunkface, dan cuba menarik perhatian mereka. (terutama si Y).

cerita dipendekkan, aku sedang berdiri pabila tiba-tiba imej bunkface muncul di skrin besar. hati ku terus berdetak, aku pusing dan sudah tentu sekali, mereka sedang berdiri di atas mini pentas di belakang ku!

apa lagi, aku terus mendengar diriku menjerit tidak hiraukan orang sekeliling dan melompat-lompat mengikut rentak di hadapan mereka. aku cuba ber'groove' secara paling sopan dan menarik perhatian yang mungkin. aku nampak mata paan mengerling ke arah ku. mungkin aku tampak familiar baginya. mana taknya, kebanyakkan persembahan bunkface, aku berada di depan. namun En. Y terus fokus menyanyi. dia seorang yang serius agaknya.

aku pun mempergedikkan diri sehingga habis lagu tersebut. lagu through my window yang semakin popular dicorong radio dan tv. habis sahaja lagu, Sam berjenaka "asyik lagu ni je, bosan". tetapi En. Y tidak begitu. beliau sentiasa tampak fokus dan menghayati apa jua lagu yang dinyanyikan. aku suka orang yang berdedikasi.

aku sempat juga bergambar ketika mereka sedang beraksi. tetapi, apa yang menjadi 'cherry on top' adalah semestinya saat aku ber"sep" (macam salam la) dengan En. Y. ahh, bahagia! paan juga ku sep, dan dia mengangkat keningnya tanda "aku ingt budak ni from somewhere".

sejurus selepas itu, aku terus mengambil peluang untuk memanjangkan flyers ku pada En. Y (salah satu strategi ku). pada flyer tersebut tertera nombor telefon ku untuk penempahan tiket. lalu aku bulatkan supaya dia jelas, itulah nombor yang sepatutnya dia dail. aku pun berkata "Err Y, nah. teater kitorang..datang tau!" sambil melempar senyuman yang paling manis sehingga beliau mungkin mendapat diabetes. beliau mengambilnya dengan muka "huh?" dan membaca segenap kertas itu. aku mengambil saat itu untuk bernafas. apabila aku kembali membuka mataku, beliau sudah pun beredar.

dan baru ku sedar, betapa losernya aku.

tapi aku tak kisah!

oh hati gembira :)