things i learned in class

in Mr. Arif's contemp literature lesson yesterday. i learned one thing:

"in every relationship, somebody, somehow has gotta sacrifice".


and i learned a quote, by J.P. Sartre:

"Hell, is everyone else".


i love going to class. it is the things out of the books; the life experiences that i can get from coming.

hanging on

i realized i like to hang on to things. old text messages, yellowed letters and random notes from high school. cassettes that can no longer be used, receipts, newspaper cuttings, ornaments from long-gone festivities, envelopes..

to me these things bear a certain resonance. they have memories of their own. they help me remember details that i cant, or might lose someday.

as time goes by, i'll continue keeping the things i feel would help me walk the path of the past. especially for later on in life.

i'm ready

the song: a perfect representation of how I am feeling right now.

1. tired of the year 2009. very rocky. there are Ups, but there are more Downs.

2. happy that 2010 is coming - so I get to start on a clear slate.

3. also simultaneously sad, as last year of uni life is about to end.

4. on second thought, i really peeved 2009. if 2009 were to be a tangible thing, i would burn it and the ashes i would throw in the deepest sea.

5. on another second thought, i really can't wait for 2010 to come, despite self-doubts and other major worries.

p/s: i'm ready for 2010; coming in 4 days!

your walk

the walk was andante. it was steady, but somehow you felt racy; like you were restraining yourself from walking too fast and ended up leaning forward. you cannot wait to get to the destination you were supposed to be at. and the wristwatch you were wearing was evidence of your miscalculations of time and therefore you were late. everything was pushing you. you were supposed to be running, or at least taking huge steps; you should be worried, perspired, heaved.


but your facial canvas is blank. your stride is paced. well, you have everything in your mind.

you look strangely calm. but only you know the chaos in your head.

your mind is racy, it is running, it is miscalculating.

but you remain calm.. because you have to.

and so you take that walk. and your walk is andante.

"When sorrows come, they come not single spies,

But in battalions!"

- W. Shakespeare

o re piya (o beloved)

as the leaves of the willow withered to unite in the ground,

as our youth dries up in the age that we now are bound;

as moments speed and time runs leaving us,

as the sun swims in the vagueness of thick dust;

as the droplets of mist reveal only to disappear,

as we triumph our pasts only to shield our fears;

as the young becomes old and the old becomes dead,

as the nature works, our tears we shan't shed.

this poem is written for the amazing individuals who has perished in the name of God throughout the year 2009. it has been a year of great condolences and gloom, but this also serves as a reminder to those who still lives, to continue living and to move on.

i dedicate this especially to Kak Min, whom i respect so much (mostly for her work ethics, which showed in her films), for Michael Jackson (who died a Muslim), for Patrick Swayze (who proved to me that someone can really fall in love with dancing as much as a person), for my good friend, Adlan's mother, for Niza Syazre whose mother just left the world today, and for others i know and don't and their families who might be having a difficult time.

i say hang in there, it's just life.

p/s: the video is courtesy of Ajami Hashim. the short documentary was showed to the audience of the Yasmin Ahmad's Films book launch by Amir Muhammad at Sunway College recently.

3 x 3 x 3

waves crashing

back and forth

hitting shore

.

storm rumbling

rain dripping

through my skin

.

cry of pain

the heart aches

sombreity

.

you became

you wear and

you use

and

you became.

you put on

you watch

and

you became.

you walk and

you talk

and

you became.

you are pushed

you are reduced

you are used

and

you became.

you were asked

you refused

you were forced

and

you became.

you were told

you were told

you were told

and

you became.

you became

but you became

what you are told.

i really went ga-ga!

pretty fly, huh? the transitions to the various songs are really smart! the guys are cute too. hehe.

also, the matte black guitar caught my eye! it's dope!

i say, double thumbs up :)

p/s: i saw the video from lady fira's blog. thanks babe!

i'm a..slaaaave..for you.

post title: credits to Britney Spears. (obviously)


well hello blog,

today was the day that i feel like i "steal bones" (literally translatated from curi tulang).

ironically, i am damn proud of myself. i really needed the sleep la macha.

but, it is not for long. i am headed to the workshop like in a few minutes to continue enslaving myself. we're currently rushing with our set construction (for the theater i mentioned before) and therefore, it's really crunch time.

ah well, i could use some muscle and biceps myself.

anyway, for those interested, check this out. this is what i've been (happily) slaving myself for:

http://whoawillow.wordpress.com

we've been on the radio, tv, newspapers, websites, magazines etc.

go to the featured link on the web and read for yourselves!

ta for now :)


p/s: questions, suggestions regarding the theatre you can just drop it in the comments and i'll take time to enlighten you.

fools rush, wisely.

wisemen say, only fools rush in.

well, i say.. i dont bloody care!

impulsive is good, if you know when and how to be so.

"hidup ini hanya kepingan"

feeling rather mellow tonight.

here's some kick to go with that moon out there. can we say love? :)

Ingatkah Kita Pernah Saling Memimpikan
Berlari-lari Tuk Wujudkan Kenyataan
Lewati Segala Keterasingan
Lalui Jalan Sempit Yang Tak Pernah Bertuan

Ingatkah Kita Pernah Berpeluh Cacian
Digerayangi dan Geliati Kesepian
Walaupun Sejenak Lepas Dari Beban
Tuk Lewati Ruang Gelap Yang Teramat Dalam

Hidup ini Hanya Kepingan
Yang Terasing Di Lautan

Memaksa Kita
Memendam Kepedihan

Tapi Kita Juga Pernah Duduk Bermahkota
Pucuk-pucuk Mimpi Yang Berubah Jadi Nyata
Dicumbui Harumnya Putik-putik Bunga
Putik Impian Yang Membawa Kita Lupa

i know, this is a weird choice of a song (did you notice the "pria punya selera" at the beginning of the video? hehe). but anyways i just cant help but be reminded of the film Ada Apa Dengan Cinta, and i was pretty bumped that this song was played only up to the first chorus in that film. of all the songs from AADC, this song is the best and yet, it received so little recognition. and my, what good lyrics they have!

indeed, life is what you make out of the jigsaw pieces you have in your hands.

and while you can, go fall in love! (or not. whatever, you get my point)

old layout again (omg i have blog layout bipolar)

yey, back to the old look. i didnt even make it through one day. haha. cant stand any other layouts lah. seriously, i better just stick to this. so enchek pengirim e-mail, you can swallow your good intentions coz im most comfortable with this one and heck, this is my blog! lawl.

yet another annoyance

aku mendapat sebuah teks mesej malam tadi yang berbunyi begini:

"Jikalau anda boleh tahan nikmat koleksi video peribadiku yang hebat! sila balas ya. Warning! Hanya utk umur 18 keatas"


wtf.

kalaulah aku boleh tekan spam report ke apa. ish.

bogel

ini dia layout baru yang aku telah pilih.

pertama kali menukar layout blog.

kosong macam rumah baru.

rasa macam berbogel.

putih, instead of hitam.

argh pelik. warna putih adalah warna yang pelik.

kita biar dulu layout baru ni meresap dalam kalbu.

dalam dua hari nanti tengok balik, kalau rasa macam nak muntah, tukar kepada layout asal.

aku terima e-mail sabotaj

ada seorang pembaca blog ini yang memberi ku email baru-baru ini (takde la sabotaj ke apa haha), mengatakan blog aku sangat "boring and lack of visuals". hmm ok. kemungkinan juga ya, tetapi aku memang sengaja kurang meletakkan gambar, kerana aku tidak mahu mengumpul readers yang "visual" dan shallow.

memang aku sengaja menulis tanpa rasa perlu meng'attach' sekali gambar sebagai stimuli atau "visual aid" untuk para pembaca, kerana pada aku, pembaca blog rock paper scissors semuanya penyabar (dengan entries yang panjang berjela dan tiada paragraph, bak kata seorang peminat amir muhammad tuh), dan reti menggunakan teknik skim and scan selain tidak shallow.

dan aku juga tidak mahu meletakkan gambar aku all over the blog kerana aku rasa minda dan hati aku lebih cantik dari muka aku. dan itu adalah sole purpose aku memulakan blog ini 5tahun yang lalu. untuk berkongsi buah fikiran dan meluahkan emosi. bukan untuk menjadi popular, mendapat "Celebrity Blog", "Best Asia Blog Award" etc.

itu sebabnya blog aku tampak "boring" kerana aku nak tengok sejauh mana ramainya orang yang tak 'judge a book by its cover'. dan oleh kerana objektif yang sama juga aku tidak meletakkan "hits" atau "sitemeter" kerana aku bukan menulis atas sebab-sebab di atas.

berpatutan juga dengan ini, aku merasakan yang layout blog haruslah sesuai dengan inti patinya. kalau menulis tentang fashion (i.e.fashion blogs) of course harus meletakkan gambar-gambar baju atau model etc. or macam fotoblog. dan blog aku ini hanyalah sebuah blog meniti kehidupan yang merencana segala perkara-perkara 'in-betweens' dalam hidup seorang insan bernama teroyalcrapster. lantas, aku merasakan tidak perlu untuk aku mempunyai blog layout yang sangat gempak tahap puaka dan padat dengan gambar-gambar.

dan wahai pengirim email, sekiranya kau ingin benar melihat wajahku, silalah add aku di facebook di mana, aku adalah aku dan aku bukanlah diriku yang ingin bermonolog..mu pahe dok apa yang kawe ghoyak ni?

tetapi ada juga betulnya email yang panjangnya separuh muka surat itu.

dia kata "maybe you should try a new layout".

hmm, mungkin it is time. sudah terlalu lama aku menggunakan layout ini. izlia, adik ku yang juga penulis blog, menukar layoutnya dalam sekali setiap minggu! sungguh radikal! dan aku yang dah 5tahun menulis ini, masih guna layout yang sama!!

aku sememangnya menyukai simplicity, dan sesuatu yang intrinsically explicit. pergh apakah maksudnya itu. rungkai lah sendiri. haha.

ok pokoknya, aku rasa ada kemunkinan yang aku akan menukar layout baru. thanks to insan penghantar email. dan layout baru itu haruslah bertepatan dengan jiwa dan rohani aku dan blog aku. dan keputusan ku ini bukan kerana sogokkan email itu, mahupun kerana penulisnya, tetapi kerana aku merasakan yang "it doesnt hurt to change" dan aku juga mahu buktikan bahawa walaupun luarannya tampak berbeza, di dalam masih serupa.

it is that feeling, of wanting to talk to somebody,

but you dont know who.

motif?

aku rasa menyampah dengan kepura-puraan yang sudah nyata lagi bersuluh. talam dua muka juga aku rasa patut dihukum atau paling tidak, diberi pengajaran. entah lah, rasanya sudah besar panjang untuk dileteri, dan oleh kerana faktor usia yang semakin meningkat itu juga yang membuatkan aku rasa penat untuk melayani karenah-karenah sebegini.

sikap kebudak-budakan. membenci satu sama lain. menikam belakang. semua itu hanyalah senarai pendek perkara-perkara yang bisa diperlakukan. penat, menyampah, sakit hati. itu pula kesan rentetan perbuatan-perbuatan tersebut terhadap perasaan mangsa dan pemangsa.

sudah aku rasai semua itu dan tidak mahu lagi aku berada dalam situasi yang sama. dan aku percaya, kalian pun merasa yang serupa.

my birthday song

this song goes out to all the December babies out there, and one very special friend who shares the same day with me, the 6th, Munirah Hishamshah.




h a p p y b i r t h d a y :)

to Ingrid, you never fail to make beautiful music :p

hmm

big or small, change is essential, and inevitable.