the people that will help you when you are in need, is weirdly enough, the people you least expected.

just when you think

just when you think you can rely on someone, something will prove to you that the person isn't. and your heart will sore like never before, as you see the trust you have for them crumbles to the floor. when the only person i believe in this world, the one i really looked up to, break the trust i have in him, all i could do was cry.

i cried and cried like a baby to the four walls around me. and the only thing that can hear me was the spider on its web at the corners of the bookshelf.

i hate that feeling. the feeling of being cheated.

the chronicles of DrM, the PM, the Cabinet and Malaysia

hot on the news and making the cover page is none other our ex-pm Tun Dr Mahathir. it didnt appear to me as a shock, coz i know he's the type dat would actually do something like that. i was at the promuda conference recently where Tun was invited to give the keynote. the way he spoke on the mic was slow and steady - as if trying his best not to say the wrong things. but on the whole, the speech was very inspiring to us young souls and he generally briefed us on the real issues that is going on 'behind the scene'. after pointing out some of the issues and predicaments, he gave out his most honest opinions and inserted some solutions. while all of this was happening, i made a note in my head that he was so darn brilliant. he's a pure genius! there're lots of signs that showed he was a forward constructive thinker and i remembered him saying that whatever he's doing right now, is always for the far future.
tun also did say that he's already retired, so he shoud juz go home and sleep. don't have to worry anymore bout the country. sit home and shut up. just take a nap and play with grandchildren. but then, he added that that's exactly what he was planning to do when things starter to get on his nerves. he said he can't just sit home and shut up while singapore go on and bully us with nobody doing anything. he cant let the cabinet approve of transparency in media whatsoever. sooner or later, malaysians would want to know what exactly happened and that's why he questioned bout tengku mahaleel's renewal of contract and the sale of agusta. i nodded my head and agreed to every single statement he made in the newspaper, mags etc. but one thing that i truely and totally disagree is when he said that abdullah badawi is his second choice, not his first. how can he have said something awful like that? i mean, that dude went through loads of bumpety-bumps, plus he's only been there for 2 years (unlike tun, for 22 years) so let's juz give him a break and some moral support.
however, knowing tun, he seldom does anything without a reason. when i thought about it, i came to the conclusion that he must have an agenda. he cant have done all this out of the blue and was so darn brave to go out and make public statements that he know will stir the whole region. he must have a back-up plan. c'mon, he's been there for 22years. he knew us well. he knew how the system works. he practically knew the consequences like the back of his hands. he's notorious amongst the westerners and well-respected among muslim countries. whether it's good or bad, people look at him. so he cant have made a stupid mistake by saying controversial statements in public. he must know something that we don't. meantime, i'll keep on pondering what might be his major plan for taking all this steps.
he provoked openly some questions to the cabinet, enquiring someone to explain the whole truth on the four issues that he had pointed out. but unfortunately, our members of the cabinet were a bunch of scaredy-cats that they retreated, saying that tun has no rights in asking or speaking out now that he's no longer on board, and they ended up giving no explanation.nothing.nada.zilch. if you go to any forums (be it online or not) discussing on this topic, you would find that they are all mad as to why they (the cabinet) dont provide relevant explanations. it seemed like they, especially the pm, is in the wrong for doing what they did. but come to think of it, if you were in their (the cabinets) shoes, would you say anything? i dont think i would. first, because you're in the cabinet and the head is pak lah. so you listen to pak lah, not tun. second is probably that you dont want to lose your job by giving in and explain. so in short, the cabinet members are pretty much sandwiched between pak lah and his predecessor, tun.
talking bout chronism, most of those on board are paklah's die-hard-fans. i know i cant really say this, but it's as obvious as a black dot on a white piece of paper. and it takes a 5-year-old to notice. tun's people, like, musa hitam, allahyarham ghafar baba and some few others are the only ones in the cabinet. so they cant really argue against the majority.
it's true when tun said "why are they making such a chaos? i just asked some question for them to answer. that's all!". and yet, they keep on beating around the bush. when someone asked tun where he thinks we are heading as a nation, he answered non-chalantly and in coy "i'd like to say we're heading in the right direction, just to give some optimistic boost to everyone, but i'll have to say the truth. and the truth is we're heading nowhere. frankly, we're heading the wrong direction". it was 'ouch' but they say truth hurts, so it's reality i guess. now, when he said that, i was frantic at thinking our nation's condition and status. and then i realized how stupid we were for doing what we did, especially in the case of singapore. ugh.i just peeved them (oops). it'll take me another blog to write on this issue.
share your comments and opinions on this matter. i really really love to discuss about it.

back in control

yeah, two down, more to go. im starting to see sunshine little by little. the feeling's great and i might as well enjoy it while i can. this is very very impressive. im proud of myself. wahahaha. i have to say, im a promising tactics and strategy planner. (shit, boastful statement). now gotta focus on my next victim; the very much threatening woman (short term) - my dentist. how the hell am i going to face her, i have know idea. it's time for my alter ego (the wise one) to take charge and come up with a brill tactic to 'tumpaskan musuh tersebut'. she has no right whatsoever to say what i should do with my teeth. motto for this quest : my teeth,my money,my call.

equation on (pathetic) real life issues

equation on (pathetic) real life issues
hypothesis : (A + B = 1) (C + D = 1)
A <---> B C <---> D
A <---> D C x---> B
B ---> C
conclusion : A = 2, B = 1, C = 2, D = 2. B = foul.

there's gotta be something in everything

there's an end to everything that starts,
there's a solution to every problem,
there's a silver lining to every cloud,
there's a remedy to every wound,
there's a cure to every disease,
there's love in every heart,
there's a child in everyone,
there's a key to every door,
there's a road to every destination,
there's hope in every failure,
there's hardwork to every success,
there's sacrifice in every happiness,
there's a past beneath the present.
there's always something to something.
there can't be nothing to anything.
there's got to be something in everything.

there's gotta be something in everything

there's an end to everything that starts,
there's a solution to every problem,
there's a silver lining to every cloud,
there's a remedy to every wound,
there's a cure to every disease,
there's love in every heart,
there's a child in everyone,
there's a key to every door,
there's a road to every destination,
there's hope in every failure,
there's hardwork to every success,
there's sacrifice in every happiness,
there's a past beneath the present.
there's always something to something.
there can't be nothing to anything.
there's got to be something in everything.

nothing but a failure

sometimes, you just feel like disappearing. wish there is a hole somewhere which you can jump in and stay down there forever. or a magic closet that you can walk in to and transmit to another world where nobody would recognize you. it isn't about feeling embarrassed or anything of that sort. it's about feeling like a failure. like when you look at yourself straight in the eyes across the mirror, you see no hope, no vision, no optimism. you only see nothing. you wish you could smear and blotch the image in the mirror with a red lipstick. or even batter and punch so it would break down to tiny little pieces. then you walk on the sharp bits of the mirror on the floor until your feet bleed horribly. and you watch the dark blood stain on the tiles fade away into the pipe fissure as water runs. you might feel a twinge of satisfaction, but you realize that nothing would change. you'll get nothing except for rotten feet. the rest of the world is still the same. you walk out the doorstep of your house and a neighbour smiled, but you look away in return. your mom cooked you your favourite prawn fritters dish, but you can't as much as taste the plain water. a friend invited you to a party but you don't even feel like leaving your hard-pillowed bed. you have the notion that everything's in their customary routine but you don't seem like you're in the entire motion. you're just lost. lost in your own feelings of disappointment and letdown. every night when you lie in bed, you feel like a malfunctioned unit. a person without a purpose. an individual that is useless, worthless and futile. but just before you shut your eyes, you cry a prayer. you pray for all the strength in the world, and so that God would show you the way. give you hope to start anew tomorrow. and put a force to every single muscle in your body to not just walk, but to step forward and move ahead. and most importantly, you pray for the verve and dynamism to mend your faults. patch-up all your blunders and fix the errors you've made. then you go to sleep serenely, hoping to wake up to a brand-new life.

the couch in 2/312

I was sitting on the couch in my room when i suddenly realized how much i will miss it. According to my rough calculations, i spent approximately 9-12 hours (on average) on the couch everyday. i practically 'lived' on it. When i come back home after classes, i would drop all my things on the table and jump on the couch. It is the most comfortable sofa ever. it almost feels like the couch is customized for me. Whatever position im in (on the sofa), i'd feel comfortable. I can even sleep on it – which I always do (accidentally). after 8 hours of sleep on the couch, my neck and back would rarely, almost never, strain or get cramped. i mean, seriously, i never thought a 400bucks sofa could feel so comfortable. when i go to my friends' room, i'd go sit on the couch (the sofas in cemara are all of the same type).
I was sitting on the couch in my room when i realized that the couch is in most of my memories. When I recall incidents from the past, during my stay in cemara, I could almost see the couch somewhere in it. It’s like you see a filmstrip and in every fragment has a glimpse of the couch. Man, I am so cemara-couch-obsessed. But seriously, it’s really great that I could use the ‘couch’ to symbolize me and everything that’s ever happen to me in cemara. I studied, ate, sang, gossiped, shrunk, reminisced, slept, and do thousands other activities on it. I could probably simplify the whole thing in an equation.
(Me + cemara couch) x 9hrs/day = entire experience of stay in cemara
I was sitting on the couch in my room when suddenly I heard my name being called by one of my roommates. She was asking me if I have any empty, unused boxes. I answered no and asked her what for. She replied that she needed a couple of boxes to pack her things up to bring them back home. It hit me that people had started to pack already. That moment I comprehended that it’s almost the end of the semester, the end of pre-degree, the end of my stay in cemara, the end of my life with the couch. I become conscious that I haven’t packed my things and that my roomies had practically emptied their lockers and the whole room looked like a tidal wave just washed everything over. There were bags, boxes and plastic bags scattered around the room and near the door. Still, I didn’t budge and stay put on the couch. I scrutinized every angle of the room from where I sit and watched my roomies scurry around and one of them was putting one thing in a bag, trying frantically to zip the explicitly overloaded carrier. Another was desperately stuffing a stack of hangers in a pail and another was scrunching worksheets and test papers and throwing it in a huge garbage bag.
I was sitting on the couch in my room when I recalled the 9 months I spent with people that I barely know a year ago. I realized that even if we knew somebody for a long time, it does not mean that the person knows us best and vice versa, and not that we are compatible or can connect with them greatly. What I found with some of the people here in TESLville is the instant connectivity or chemistry between me and them. I found that these people understand me better than some of my friends that I’ve known for practically the whole of my life. I had an immense experience here and would put whatever I’ve learned to good use. My perception changed towards certain people and certain situations. I discovered new ways of handling things that I’ve never been able to straighten out all this while. I have new ways to approach problems and open up to different perspectives when I need to. I also learned about unity in the TESL community, which is applicable to other circumstances. I can pretty much say that I’ve become more mature through these 9 significant months. It’s astounding how so little time can teach me so many things. To list down everything is just impossible.
Now, I am sitting on the couch typing away my opaque, dim-witted thoughts and I still haven’t packed my things, which is ghastly as I will be going home in 24 hours time. I know I don’t need that much time to pack but there’s still a feeling of uneasiness. I gawked in front of me and see my things speckled everywhere. I don’t care; I want to spend as much time as possible on this couch before I go home and wrap up the semester. The couch’s neither plushy nor stylish. It’s just plain brown and simple in terms of the design. But it’s well-structured and it suits me, like hell. I just love the couch in Cemara. Period. Now I want to sleep for a couple of hours, here in this couch, and then wake up to pack. Then, it will all be over for me - and the couch.

where's the silver lining?

every cloud has its siver lining. but the problem is, i haven't seen one. and i have like dozens of clouds here. i am truly hoping that there would be some good things i would get out of all this. maybe it's still not time. or maybe it's not silver, maybe it's gold or pink. (haha) maybe i did not realize. hmm, might just be it. i tend to get blur or ignorant at times. but most of the times, im just plain blur. like someone said, im a certified blur. okay, have to be alert next time around. have to be more attentive.

tobey the spidey

once upon a day, i have a pet. it is a spider. tobey is it's name. i gave it that name because it is significant to tobey mcguire in the movie - spiderman. in fact, it's a good name as it rhymes with spidey. you see, tobey the spidey. it's cool. i love it. i once had a spider. it's all black and a bit furry. my mom hated it but i kept it anyway. me and my brother call it 'abdullah'. the name suits it. anyway, after a few months, mom throw it away, along with the plastic container that i used as its crib. me and my bro were so devastated that we carried up the 'cold storage'. 'cold storage' is something like the cold treatment, you know when u act as if someone does not exist. when i have tobey now, it gives me the vibe that abdullah still exist. well, altho tobey is just a virtual pet and i don't really have to take care of him or feed him, it's still good to have a memory of abdullah.

my love sign

my love sign is - Capricorn. here's what they say:

Having Venus in Capricorn is a sure sign that the game of love will not be rushed. A better question might be whether things will get off the ground at all! Those graced by this placement are cautious to the core, not ones to jump into love or meander through various flings. Rather, the tender care of another is what will bring this lover into full bloom. That said, once insecurities and fear of rejection are shoved aside, those with their Venus in Capricorn can be loyal and true lovers who will work hard at making their relationship click. Don't expect a fountain of feelings to flow from these folks, however; expect them instead to be relatively private, albeit sensualists in the right situation. That situation is likely to be one where emotional and financial security is virtually guaranteed. Now that's not too much to ask, is it? Well, hard worker that the Goat is, those with this placement can expect to spend much of their time doing the work which will ultimately lead to relationship bliss. The fruits of this labor? A faithful and devoted lover. Not bad!

hmm..(thinking)

i'm a teenage dirtbag..wheatus said.

i totally agree to wheatus and think that im the best example of a teenage dirtbag. a teenage is defined as a person at his/her young age which im not really sure of the age range. and dirtbag can be defined as a bag to put dirt. i think it's the bag you use for vacuum cleaner, something like that. so basically, u got the picture, right? but that's literally speaking. the implied meaning is simply dat im a..loser. huu, i did not say it out loud. well, ok maybe i am not a total loser, but at sum points of my life maybe. anyway, i personally think it's cool to be a loser. people don't actually give a damn to you and whatever you're doing and it makes it even easier for you to do your stuffs. i mean, who cares right? i love the fact that people would actually look down on you. but the moment you rise, you will prove them all wrong - flat in their faces. it's like the return of the loser or something, ya know? wonder what it feels to be mocked at and made fun of. and suddenly wat gempaq gle. dat is juz sooo cool. if i can pick, i'd be a cool loser. is there such a thing? anyway, i'd be da best loser ever. like someone said, no matter who u are, and regardless what u do, u'll juz have 2 be da best in it. thus, i'd not only be a loser, but the best loser in town.

empty mind..liberty!!

woah..like, finally! well, now dat da whole drama thing has ended, liberty has actually taken place!! i am free!! at last!! weird thing is, i'm not sure how im gonna face da fact that i will no longer have to think bout drama 24/7, which i was constantly doing for the past few months! an empty mind is so bizarre! it rarely happens this semester, and im having trouble handling it. weird, weird. oh crap, i should be happy for not having to pressurize myself anymore, but well, let's juz say i was already used to it. haha, silly me. hmm, the idea of actually spending my sundays in bed while listening to music and eating cake (so much for an imagination) is tremendously marvellous!! i think i should list down the things that i would like to do during my weekends. woah, this totally freaked me out! i can actually spend time on weekends however i want! yippee!! ok, now i'm starting to sound like a martian. not that i've never experience holiday or whatever, but it's been such a long time, man! and i am going to have so much fun!

it hit me...i'm pathetic

oh yea, it hit me right on the head. for once, i was unable to speak. i mean, frankly speaking, i don't really know how to describe it. at one point i was at the top of the world. i thought i was content enough. i thought i had everything. well, 'almost' of course. and suddenly i was to know that my whole inspiration was a fraud. i know this might not be clear but it's not for others to know except for myself. that was all a big fat lie. for a moment, i lost focus. i don't know the reason me being here. what was the whole point again? i was confused. i was scared. i was everything i ought not be. and the sad thing is, i was alone. yup, all by myself. which made me realize that, i'll just have to learn and cope by myself. life is cruel. needless to say, unfair. fair enough, i took the challenge and i'm still alive till this very moment. alive and breathing.

the world has big tears

I just love rainfall. When it rains, I can feel certain tranquility and a squirt of contentment. I love the fact that people tend to shy away and keep under wraps in their houses or hideaway. And for a moment, the world would be at peace. All that can be heard is the sound of cars swooshing on the roads, pedestrians walking in puddles of water from the rain, and also the pitter-patter of raindrops on windows and surfaces. Bashful faunas that have been keeping themselves away can now reveal themselves. The croaking of frogs and toads occasionally breaks the silence. When all this beautiful things take place, I would go to my bedroom window and open up the panels so that I can breathe in the fresh and unsoiled air while the zephyr caress every inch of my face subtly. This is therapy to me. I don’t need any massages or costly spas; just the sense of being a part in this wonderful piece of nature can ease my clustered mind and soul. In houses, the smell of hot chocolate and quiet chatters filled the empty atmosphere. From where I sit, I can always see interesting ostensible performances of lights from all the headlights of cars, streetlights, glows from house windows and shops along the streets. In time, I would feel a jolt of excitement running through my veins and a feeling of serenity and delight would conquest my psyche and body. Yes, you might call this cheap thrill. But the feeling that you obtain from it is devastating and remarkable and incredibly priceless – seriously, you won’t get it in the market. And when the sound of thunder blared once in a while, my adrenaline rushes like mad. In a way, it excites me that much. The rain falls down gradually heavier and less people would be outside. The sight of some pedestrians desperately rushing to find shelter and some even with their things falling out of grip and tumble in the puddle just amuse me. It’s like the whole world is putting up a show on me, and I am the spectator of this marvelous piece.

It feels like the world is crying, and the raindrops are big tears. How irony that the superior world would shed tears. It tells me in a way that this entire thing is a symbol – imagine, a huge being like the world can cry, what about meek earthlings like us? We are weak, feeble, and frail, and that’s why we need help from Him. That’s why He’s the Almighty. He made something with reasons. And subsequently, a rainbow would form. All seven beautiful colors structure itself from a cloud to another, like a colorful bridge over cotton candies. That moment, it’s back to happy mode. The weather would be moderate – not too hot, not too cold. Everything smells fresh after a rainfall, the grass, the flowers, the air. People would start going out again from their cocoon and happy and cheerful chatters would be heard again. I like the fact that rain can bring both, joy and sorrow. When it rained, it’s dark and gloomy. And when it stops raining, it’s merry and vivid. It’s like the world has alter ego, or have PMS. Anyway, of all the weathers, I love rain the most. It’s also a very romantic weather. My fantasy would be that – to meet my guy in that circumstance. We would share an umbrella, or maybe just walk in the rain - all wet and drained. But in the end, it would all just be hilarious and romantic. How sexy!

of course, heavy rain can cause damages and what not, i like the fact that it just proves that rain can also be powerful. it can destroy things if it wants to. the rain can throw tantrums and nobody would blame it. i would love to be like that. it can be mild and sweet and all, but it can also be harsh and cruel. but all in all, i still love the rain and will still be sitting by the window watching the raindrops fall on the surface and spread into huge loops of water. and i'll still be enjoying the show of lights in the streets and houses. i'll still be smiling and grinning at pedestrians who rushes to find shelter. i'll be enjoying it for the rest of my life.

seventh heaven

Last night, right after I performed my Isyak prayers, still clad in my praying robe, I felt shivers all over my body. It was a totally different feeling – I’ve never felt anything like it before. How I should explain it, I myself do not know. It’s like a very special sensation, probably a mixture of various emotions. All I can say is that, I was at the peak of serenity, tranquility, and peacefulness. The composure and equanimity is just… pure. Strange, yet familiar. I don’t know, it seemed normal, but for once, I was in cloud nine. Yup, it was a piece of heaven. I have no idea how the heck I get that feeling or if I’ll ever feel it again… it’s all left to the unknown. Yeah, I very much love the unknown - as much as I love surprises. *sigh* anyway, at one point, I was aware that the feeling I experienced was just too overwhelming and too immense that I almost lost touch with the world, with the whole contents of it. You can say that I was at the highest high of ecstasy – I was in seventh heaven. It lasted for only about a millisecond, and moments after that everything was back to earth. I looked around and noticed in dizziness, that everything and everyone was doing their things as usual. Up until now, every time after I prayed, I hope to have that kind of feeling again, but I never did. I wish that I would, in the coming future. But, as homework, I’d still have to get it figured out – the feeling. I need to find out if it was some sort of a sign or something; I would never want to miss that out. Or probably, God just wanted me to feel a bit of happiness and contentment – have a taste of heaven. It could be because of that, considering I’ve been going through a lot for the past few days. In any case, it is certainly not something to be brag about. I would keep it to myself with the hope I’d have another helping of it – if it’s not too much to ask for. Till then, good night.

the perishers

Now I know love can turn to hate in the blink of an eye

Another lie another alibi

When your curtain fell heaven turned to hell

What was real I could never tell

I wish I would have known

Wish I would have seen

I wish I’d had some lines to read between

I just can’t understand why you cared to stay

You never truly loved me anyway

I just can’t understand..


okay, these are some of the lines from the song titled 'sway' by 'the Perishers'. the baits are just beautiful and so damn meaningful. last night, someone in a really sad mode gave it to me. he was a friend of mine, a really good friend, i have to say. and he spilled the beans, saying that the person he liked turned away. and bla bla bla. and finally, we both agreed that we were suckers in this love arena. it is seriously not our cup of tea. not dat we don't like the other chromosome, it's just that, this thing is too subjective and too complicated that we'd rather not talk about it. we tried though, to search for 'the one' or whatever shit that is, for years, since high school. but not much result. there are some significant developments, though. a little bit here and there. but basically, still the same old thing. huh, just wish cupid is here to help. mercy us O' Cupid.. we badly need your help. okay, don't get me wrong or anything. i'm not desperate, nor my friend is. but we just want some obvious path to follow through and some guidance in order to meet our destinies. that's all. just a little favour and a simple prayer. from the both of us.

me and my stupid thoughts

i frequently ask myself things that i myself can't explain - well, sometimes i do have the answers at hand.. anyway lately, i've been thinking a lot about what really makes a friendship. two person might happen to be the best of friends just after a few minutes of encounter with each other. but for some, they need a couple of years, maybe, to really trust each other. as for me, it depends. it depends very much on the other party, but normally, i can get along fine just in the nick of time. somehow, i've just come to realize that, i do not really have someone i can call a best friend. seriously, no one. i almost did, though, but something strucked me not to. guess, it was simply a slip of mind. when i thought i nearly grasp the bliss of having a good friend, bad things dropped on me like raindrops. one after another. i hate to say that i do have a lot of friends, but not a single person can make me feel or act like who i really am. no one really understands me when i did something or say something. people thought i was funny. yeah, i do love to joke around. but heck, i'm human. i came to the extent of portraying myself as a clown - one that shows happy expressions on its face, with all those thick make-ups, making other people smile and laugh...but inside and underneath, it's all just a phony. beneath the heavy make-up, is a person trying to shed his fears, sadness, problems, loneliness, whatever etc. i thought i was one of those phony clowns, but i've frequently told myself that, in fact, i am not. and most of the times, i bought it. but it soon hit me that, what are some of the factors that affect me to lead this sort of life? i have to say, i really don't know. at least not yet. and about that friendship thingy, sometimes, i thought to myself, what are the benefits of having a 'friend' if that 'friend' himself feels like he 'had to' be a friend to someone? why do people put on masks and fake as a 'friend' to his friend. what the heck? if you don't want to be a friend, don't fake it. so i guess now, to me, the term 'friend' does not apply to just anyone you know. it is applied to someone who really 'wants' to be your friend instead of just faking it. friends are a small group of people from the large group of people you know. but of course, people from the large group can all be your friends. okay this thing is turning into something really confusing *grins*. therefore in short, not all your friends can be your 'friend' and yeah, stop putting on masks. i believe in total honesty and total frankness in a friendship. a true and pure friendship is realy hard to get. and at the end of the day, i am my own true best friend.

a quiz i picked up somewhere...

Izza, your true color is Orange!

You're a bold, confident orange. A warm, powerful color that indicates a strong, welcoming personality, orange is the mark of people who are social and extroverted by nature. Vibrant, with an upbeat attitude, you have a bright, inviting demeanor. Energetic and fun-loving, you're a real friend-magnet. Your easy charm and unassuming manner make you the sort of person people want to meet and get to know better. Well-rounded and fun to be around, you enjoy helping others, so it's no surprise that orange also symbolizes attraction. Orange is an extraordinary color — for an extraordinary person.