of first loves

In Alexander Pope’s “Eloisa to Abelard”, the poet took the voice of a woman in between feelings of love and religiosity. A certain phrase caught my eye:

“..The world forgetting, by the world forgot...”

The poet speaks to an idea of bliss and outlines of morality and identity. And in parallel to that, it is suggested by Walter Chaw that experience and memory feed not only our personality, but also, our emotions. We might try to forget our past, or unconsciously forgot them, but we will always remember vividly the emotions that we felt at that particular moment of the memory. That is why; dramatically tragic and enchanting memories are always the ones that we remember because the emotions we felt at that time were so strong and distinct that what we felt then, actually tied us to the memory of the time, place, smell, people, just about anything that happened to be there.

I will take the example of Adrian Mole. Pandora Braithwaite was an outstanding character in Adrian’s life during his adolescent years. Why? Mainly because she was the one who taught him the pleasures and guilt of love, or in other words, she was his first love. He might not have ended up with her, but trust me, he would look back to his life from time to time in the future and be reminded of that blissful first love he experienced. He may never forget the memory, for it was his first experience and the feelings he felt was different and shall I say, strong.

How does it relate to us? I can testify that first loves do leave a certain impact to us and are outright unforgettable. The memories that include our first loves are the epitome of contentment and sorrow for us then. We remember everything about it, not by choice, but we just do – like a habit.

I definitely do remember mine. It was in high school and we were in form two. I started developing small crushes towards him along the way, until I was in form four – when I finally realize that I really, really liked him. We were very close by the end of form five and well, the rest is history. The sad part is that I never confessed how I felt and he didn’t either, though I know we both knew we share the same feelings.

Yes, I laugh about it now. The memory of him and us do occur to my mind once in a while, and when it does, I couldn’t help but smile at the thought. It is like I can feel the emotions I felt at that time – bashful, bliss, grief – everything all over again.

The emotions and memory are still fresh and vivid that sometimes, I think I might even still be fond of him. Funny.

la fille danse

La fille danse
Quand elle joue avec moi
Et je pense que je l'aime des fois
Le silence, n'ose pas dis-donc
Quand on est ensemble
Mettre les mots
Sur la petite dodo

toilet tunes

we all love to sing in the bathroom. i do too, really do. our bathroom is small so if you close the door and sing in it, it'd feel as if you are in a recording studio, except that this is critic and public humiliation-proof.

given a great vocal ability (*ehem ehem do re mi~), i dont use my talent to show off singing every single song i know. but i have a selection of songs that i love to test in the loo.

here are some of them (not in order):

1) god called in sick today - afi
2) morningstar - afi
3) on the arrow - afi

...(yeah we're seeing a lot of afi here. good job guys)

3) the island - aselin debison
4) i will always love you - whitney houston (this is usually if i shampoo)
5) torn - natalie imbruglia
6) redemption song - bob marley

...(a bit drowsy yeah, coz it compliments my vocal potential)

7) risky business - the cab
8) greetings to the new brunette - billy bragg
9) random (usually anything i hear before stepping into the shower)


that's the compilation for the shower jukebox..for now. haha. i'd repeat the same list over and over again. tired? not at all. love it.

maybe i'll change the list from time to time.

i'm still broke

let us sit by the road. just look around. people walking their dogs, children playing catch, couples helding hands. trees swaying to the breeze. me and just me.

it's not so hard to feel happy. the pursuit makes it worth all the while.

[^_^]

i'm shit broke

im skinned. really skinned. i have only a few bucks to continue surviving now. seriously. i think i am suffering, especially in the f&b department. i spent almost RM 450 for food each month. geez. i really gotta cut down a bit. but since im already broke now, there's no point, aint it?

two weeks ago i broke my glasses, and havent been able to replace it. i have to wear the old one for now. and my head is always dizzy because of that. i need a new pair and therefore, i need moolah!

in addition to that, i only have RM 0.07 amount of credit, so i apologize to those people that i havent been able to reply their messages. i swear i would reply once i get the money to topup (according to the level of priority).



and speaking of money, if dreams do come true, why hasn't money fall from the sky?!

seriously, this is really the perfect timing for a miracle to happen. hopefully somebody really extremely supremely kind would stop me in my way one of these days and give me a sack of green notes. smell the cash!

conclusion to love

love is fine,
if it's not in your mind.

love is good,
if it's understood.

love is love,
it's what you're made of.

the beginning of a new beginning

is it the end of the beginning or the beginning of the end?

one is unsure.

surely, it should be the beginning of the end - for one have arrived at a new phase of one's life.

the brink of a new dawn.

how difficult is it to start anew?

very.

one must be willing to take a risk one is not willing to take.
one must be absolutely sure that one is absolutely right.
one must restrain oneself from restraining a change.

essentially,

one must really know oneself, inside and out.


and at the verge of a fresh start, one must not forget one's past. history may repeat itself and one might repeat the same mistakes, and that is alright. for one will have already master the craft.


how is one sure it is THE dawn?

one will be able to tell, after one had awaken from a long, dark night.


one may opinionate, that in fact,

the end could be a beginning to a new beginning.

TATTOO

i had a tattoo. the other day. syud drew it on my right arm. my fat arm. wahahaha.

here it is:




purple butterfly. i have no idea why it is a butterfly. i wanted a sun. but it came out looking like sperms trying to get into an ovum. scientifically gross.

CHENG HO

it is the name of a restaurant. it caters chinese muslim seafood cuisines. you might think it is as normal as any seafood restaurant, but try and dine here, and you will know for yourself.

i went.

with my family to have dinner. lo and behold, i saw the most stylo, most idolized being (during my schooling days, and still is i think) in Malaysia. Amy Search. turns out that my dad heard a rumour somewhere that Amy Search was opening a restaurant, and so he went (with us) to see it for himself.

the decor of the restaurant was cool, with a lot of black and white pictures of people from the chinese muslim community on the walls. most pasrt of the restaurant is white and red.
the food itself, i can say, it was marvelous. from the most reliable resource, i get to know that the chef was a former cook at the Four Seasons Hotels specializing in this type of cuisine. his forte?

tom yam.

it was the best! superb! fantastico!

we finished everything we ordered in a spilt second, till the last slurrrrrp!
the prices are surprisingly reasonable and they offer packages, so that it is easier for the customers especially those who are impossible to decide on what to eat - like me familia. *ehem*

Amy personally checked on us, made sure that everything's fine, that all we ordered for came, and asked if we needed anything. that is the one thing, so special about Cheng Ho, i assure you, is the hospitality. i mean, c'mon, where can you get a ROCKSTAR to actually serve you?

LOL. it was one of the best dinners i had in a very looong time. good food, good service, good host \[^_6]/

after dinner, we talked a bit with Amy outside his restaurant, (note: he even sent us out!) and he said that he is probably opening up another food joint, a cafe simply named: Amy's Place

but of course, it's still under progress. and later somewhere in the conversation, he jokingly made me promise to write a blog on his restaurant. so Amy, here it is. and oh, I LOVE YOU :)

the famous buttered lemon chicken

yours truly, AMY SEARCH, dad

my dad taking charge and ordering all HIS favourites



my sista vista studying the menu

the packages that they offered

here's to you!

i surfed the net, searching for some cool gamelan performances, and apart from getting a few scoops on it, i stumbled upon a cyberfight about gamelan.

some people from different races were fighting on whose culture the gamelan belongs to. like, duh! culture is supposed to be assimilated, not just stagnant. dudes, if you want to OWN a culture, then go and live in Pluto where nobody lives there and then you can have your own thing (coz it's not even a planet now).

a particular race, claimed that another particular race, which apparently is the Malays, are always taking other people's culture. hello, not trying to be defensive here, but dude, you're making invalid accusations. first, what proof do you have in terms of history, demographic and socioculture? you don't have any.

and then, what's up with the "let's team up with the Borneo people coz they felt the same way as we do, and the malays ignore them all the time.." Dude, do you even know what you're talking about?

im just so sick and tired reading all that comments. i dont even feel like i want to preach peace and tolerance now. all i have to say for now is that just be glad you even have a race and a culture, coz i suppose people like you dont even belong here in this world.

today's hororscope

Hey, why are you doubting your position in your social circle right now? You need to have a little bit more faith that you are still loved by your friends. Sure, you should watch how you deal with other people right now, but that's only because they have weird stuff going on in their lives -- not because there is anything wrong with you. A new beginning is coming quite soon -- something that will excite your friends and unite all of you in a common cause.

it concludes everything i've been feeling. haha.

mode: rolling on the freshly-cut green grass

brain congestion

f f f f f f f f f f f f f f !!!!

it takes an endless list of things to be done to get me to swear that much. haish. next week, beginning 7th of April.

07/04 - PTE test (update: i did it without studying. now the prospect looks very, very dim. i feel like a major failure now. wonder how tomorrow's going to be like)
08/04 - Microteaching (done it. went quite well)
Creative Project submission (submitted, though with struggle)
Creative Project presentation (did it. went well. very simple)
09/04 - Literature and Media test (Remains of the Day & Pygmalion) (yeah, did it. was one of the last to go. it was an open book test and still it was @%^$^!#@$. geeez)
10/04 - Japanese solo presentation (okay lah..not bad. but i confused myself with the 'imasu' and 'arimasu'. so...)
Adrian Mole assignment submission (the due date is delayed!!!)


not a day off! every single important thing is happening this week! crap. major crap.

the week continues..

11/04 - Nad's house-warming party (finally! i chance to let my hair down)
12/04 - Thoughts of Mahathir's exam


and the moment of truth, and a grand finale to the whole week...

13/04 - IELTS results
Woah! WILLOW production team gathering @ Windmill, Subang.


it sure will be a rocky ride through the whole week. wish me luck people!

whatever

the person who coined the word 'whatever' and popularized it is the coolest, most gonjeng person in the world. when you feel like you malas nak layan dah, you can just say "whatever!" provided with your hand gestures and blondish-bimboish facial expression and accent.

i love it. my state of mind right now, is Whatever, with a huge capital W.


here's a Whatever-toast to the person i dislike, the things i despise and anything else along that line.


huh, whot-evargh~!!!

the Dean's List Dinner 07/08

Last night was the DL Dinner. it was held at the glamorous INTEC Hall *haha* and was supposed to start at 7.45pm. but yeah as usual, it started a full 20mins later. the Dean came, along with most of the lecturers. i felt appreciated, thanks to their support just by showing up.

i came at 8pm (just cause i know it wont start at 7.45) with Anis and Jiji, and the first bullshit happened. my name wasn't on the list and so i wasn't 'numbered' and had to sit at the very back. and then came my friend whose was also not on the list, Marina. so we sat together through the whole thing.

then it was time to 'jamu' or dinner lah. so being the person at the very back, it was a piece of cake to be the first in line. but some uncourteous people cut the line so we became the 8-ish people to take food. we had to tolak-tolak and tarik-tarik a bit, but the whole getting-the-food experience wasn't as tough as i had prepared myself for. so a few minutes in the moshpit later, we freed ourselves from the crowd and started to search for place. to our dismay, everyone dah cop tempat. so we had to sit at the 'candlelight dinner tables' di sebelah orang buat persembahan. sheesh. don't even talk about being in the spotlight, it was dark and the candles are tiny (almost invisible).

Marina and myself having a romantic candlelight dinner *wink*

however, we had fun and felt really 'special', though i almost choked myself for i thought the tulang was the daging cause of the same colour. but i survived. not long after that, i accidentally burnt my pinky finger because the candle (though tiny, can be extremely hazardous because of the wax) was so close to my pinggan and my jari jemari are so runcing so terkena the fire.


after that, we went in and get on with the programme. theY called each name one by one and everybody get to go on stage. and since marina's and my name wasn't on the list at the registration, we had to go last after everybody else. what discrimination! how unfair! wahahaha.

oh btw, in between the name-calling, there was a dikir barat performance by the PART 4 TESL students and it was the bomb! i loved it was (frantically) clapping and singing along (though the lyrics were totally out like im singing in Urdu) and recording videos. they were superb. most of it maybe because they are my friends, and i got extra excited. lol. but Mr.Shah enjoyed it too. i saw him sitting at the edge of his seat while clapping and 'grooving' (yes, he grooved!) to the dikir barat. i think they won a competition yang peringkat UiTM or something like that. but they rock! especially the Tukang Karut, Pok We!! *clap clap* woo-hooooo!!!!

izza yang sempoi dan Pok We yang sedang 'naik sheikh'!!

yeah, then my name was called and by that time the hall was half empty, which is cool. hehe. and later, we took some pictures and borak-borak a bit and then go home. that night, i slept like i have never slept in a loooong time.

team Gamelan yang sangat fantastic. Afifah main macam main drum. hehe

man, i felt like Queen Elizabeth getting the royal treatment!











Fitri, pelajar comel lagi cemerlang gitu!







till then!

talk, by talking

it's unfair that you can like someone in the phone, exchanging text messages, feeling like that person is the perfect soulmate, or someone that you IM everyday and can talk about anything under the sun without feeling the slightest bit uncomfortable. or that person you like when you talk over the phone, hanging on to every single word that come from that husky voice.

but the moment you step out into reality, getting vis-a-vis with that person, everything turns out differently. as different as night and day. you no longer like that person you text every night when you get face to face. you no longer find their voices sexy when you talk without the phone. their wits aren't so spot on when you you communicate in real time.

is this the wrath of the technology we worship so much all this while? whatever it is, i still hold on to the fact that simple communication, where body language is involved and facial expressions are visible, is still the best way of exchanging bubble thoughts.

try talking and joking around without the company of sophisticated gadgets and techs (excluding webcam or anything like it) more than you do with those mediums (text, IM) and what you say may mean more to the person you are talking to.

tatie's treat!

we had dinner just now, and tatie made my day when she paid for dinner! haha. we all ate satay, at Restoran Selera Kampung, section 9. twas lo-fi but cool nonetheless. it has been quite a loooooong time since anybody belanja me. it was a very heart-wrenching, tear-jerking moment. hope my rezeki murah and somebody else will belanja me pulak in future. im broke!

which one?

i want a lomo camera and have been saving up to buy it, however, i just found a scoop on this cool camera, called the fisher price kid tough camera. it's slightly cheaper and it's digital, so we save from the developing costs. it comes in both purple or pink. but i still want the holga. or color splash. now i dont know which one to get..damn. granted that i am an indesicive person, so making a call would be really tough. now i gotta look further into this major predicament. grahahaha~

jangan marah-marah

nowadays, memang banyak sangat benda yang boleh buat kita tick-off. semua benda buat kita rasa nak marah. kadang-kadang benda yang sangat kecil. tapi bila fikir balik, buat apa nak marah, bukannya boleh betulkan keadaan tu pun.

apa yang kita boleh buat is either laugh it off, or deal with it, tapi bukan dengan cara marah-marah la. relax. cool, cool. tarik nafas dalam-dalam, lepas tu selesaikan.

yes, aku pun kadang-kadang edgy and rasa cam nak jerit jugak, tapi kita try la sama-sama. perasaan annoyed and iritated tu memang selalu ada, especially bila berada berdekatan dengan orang yang macam tu (annoying dan irritating). jadi, kita sama-sama ingatkan diri kita untuk selalu bersabar. kalau marah-marah dah tak macho la kan. kita kena relax, supaya dunia ni lebih aman. kan best kalo semua orang tak jerit-jerit, tengking sana sini.

till then, always give the people around you a smile!

an ode by a friend

I have no name.
No truth i cradle.
No jokes to humor you.
No physique to satisfy.
No breadth to breathe into.

No eyes to appreciate.
No passion to lust for.
No love worth dying for.

All I have,
is heart.
to cry out.
to die.
to hate.




p/s: this is a piece by my very dear friend, mr.hafriz. he has a very beautiful soul, handsome face and sensitive heart. i am glad to have him as a friend :)

down with the flu

devilish! this disease never leave me. it is constantly following me around like Misery would. scientifically called the influenza, but i prefer to call it mucus-flowing-nose-wiping-moments. geez, i had to drag my white napkin around like a baby with her blanky/blanket with some eternal yellow spots stained on it. well, i ain't stain nothing on mine, but if you look closely, u might find something. haha. my eyes are swollen, and i can't pronounce any words with the phonetical sounds: /m/, /n/, and /ng/. all the nasal sounds. and i speak like a retard without a nose. but hey, nobody's complaining. heck, the flu's around since forever, and it sure look like it's stayin for quite some time.

the crappiest part is, i got my microteaching tomorrow, and hell, it's the most important thing in my career as a teacher so far. and i dont think i have all the energy to be super teacher tomorrow. maybe i should call in sick. yeah, i'll do just that. not that im finding reasons or anything. but the flu is turning to be a blessing in disguise, coz you know what? i haven't done my lesson plan yet. hehe.

my handkerchief's sangat basah kuyup right now. so i gotta go change it before some virus become epidemic. till then.

i want to be Sleepyhead

i am utterly deprived of a deep, peaceful slumber right now. wish i could dive into a sea of pillows and just be sailed in a technicolor, rainbow-filled dreams. or just plain sleep would do.

truthfully, this has been a very hectic week. with the Maulidur Rasul event (i managed to bag the 2nd runner-up spot in the poetry recitation contest), and the preparation for my IELTS test last saturday -29th april. also, i was busy doing my assignments, most of it group work, so it was really tough to get all the group members together, thus all the workload needed to be squeezed in the time we actualy sit together to work on it.

my brain freezed a lot of times, untimely, and my nerves wrecked like it never did. i actually forgot what 'sleep', 'eat' and 'hang out' meant. until i experienced them yesterday, after ielts.

i didn't realize i walked around looking like a zombie (which died a tragic death by the way i looked), and i rarely (almost never) give any sweet remarks or compliments or stopped for small talks during the Hellish week (notice the capital letter).

i was glad that i could take a breather for today is the end of the week, which universally mean i could take a rest. some of the shits i need to get done has been done, but most of it are still under way. which brings us to the conclusion that next week is not looking any good either. who knows, this might even be the last time i hear the word sleep. man, i sure am going to miss my sleep.

speaking of sleep, maybe i really am deprived of it. like, a super, major deprivation. i was diagnosed with insomnia during my high school years. i could stay awake for four days or more with no sign of energy declination. and now, im still losing my sleep, but not because i want to, but coz i have to! argh, dummy ass. gonjeng bastard. now what the hell am i still doing here with some stupid blog. i'd better go sleep. now i can finally say, Goodnight! (well, for now. hehe)

the two questions i asked myself

u came to the point in your life, when u ask those ultimate questions. what do i want? and who am i? two very simple questions, but never underestimate them. you might not be able to answer those questions, even until you are lying weak on your deathbed.

i tried answering that, the first question. seemed easy. i threw a whole list of things i could ever wish for. but then, something made me ask myself. what for do i want all these things? money, cars, money, excellent grades, money... then, my thoughts shifted. well, i want peace in the world, and unity amongst brothers, poverty to be curbed, and to turn back time to the early age where there was no pollution. yes, i want that. but again, it asked. what for do i want all these things? if i were to be granted all those that i wanted, will it guarantee me a place in heaven? will it prove the love that i have for the Almighty? will it make me happy, ever after?

then my thoughts shifted again. this time a huge shift. i thought, i want nothing more, than for Him to forgive me truly and to accept me unto his Kingdom. i want nothing more than for Him to love me for He is the Ar-Rahim. i want nothing more, than just to serve Him, for life, for that was what i promised Him before my soul was slowly placed in my mother's womb. i want nothing, but to taste that infinte sweetness of Heaven. and that, i am sure, will make happy. for ever and after. and by that, i might have answered the second question as well. i am, the servant of God.

laundry for dracula

today i felt like a Dracula, allergic to light. i didn't get out from the house, with the curtains closed and dried out refrigerator. but thank God for the internet, got to watch a couple of barbaric short indie movies - helped me through the day. i even did laundry - a tough one indeed - and it involves my bantal busuk, translated as 'smelly pillow'. but of course, it's not really literally 'smelly' as opposed to popular societal stigma, i just felt i had to wash it anyway. so yeah, twas a cool dracula-like day for me.

a Brand New Year 08

I welcomed the New Year a bit differently this time. I was worn-out by the frenzied, never-ending hustle and bustle of the city, especially during festivities and celebrations. Normally on New Year’s Eve, I would join some of the Setiawangsa residences up on top of the hill to watch the fireworks display all around KL. It was a great spot but I didn’t feel like climbing up this year. There were no plans what-so-ever, and I didn’t feel like painting the town red either, but I was equally delighted that the nasty 2007 is finally over. I was surfing the net alone at home on new year’s eve, when my family came home from shopping and asked me if I wanted to join them and a few of my mom’s friends (and their families) for dinner at the port. Well, who could say no to seafood, right? And in the next few minutes I found myself dressed for a seafood-dinner jamboree.

We ate and ate till there ain’t nothing left to eat. We laughed and laughed and snorted once in a while in between crabs and prawns. It was a happy moment. Just a lo-fi ambience, chilled-out mood. I loved it.

After dinner, we went for a walk around the jetty. It was cool. There were some stalls selling colourful, spinning lights, some selling ‘kacang rebus’ and there was also a stall retailing religious merchandise like cassettes and books (good idea. And JAIS was everywhere in sight too. Not that I’m scared or anything, duh). The breeze was calm, hot at times. Everyone was filling their time, waiting for their watches to strike midnight to mark the New Year. One of the people there had his radio on to listen to the live broadcast of the celebration in the city.

Me and a few of the girls sat a few feet away from the small crowd. I sat there, imagining how the rest of the world is celebrating the eve of the ‘New Beginning’. I reckon some of them praying, asking for a better life to come, some may be holding pints of liquor, prepared to be soared to cloud nine. Some may take comfort in the presence of their family members, and some may be even distressed at the actuality that they have to be alone for the night. Whatever it is, everyone is anticipating it.

My dad told me that the people at sea have their own way of commemorating the New Year, and it is certainly something that I have awaited for a long while now. Tonight. It’s going to be tonight.

Ten seconds to midnight, everyone was counting, aloud. Not that they’ve never counted out loud before, but this is a moment they want to share with everyone and also to remind themselves that “man, it’s 10 seconds away from the new year, which would probably be a tad better than the last one” – it is hope, that they put in their counting.

I counted aloud, along with the rest. Our voices were harmonious (mine was, at least), our eyes looking up in the sky. The ships –big and small – were all stopped or slowed down.

10. 9. 8. 7. 6.

I was anxious. What’s it going to be like?

5. 4. 3. 2.

This is it!

1.

HONK!!!! HONK HONK!!!!! HONK!!!

All the ships at sea were honking their steel horns away. It was loud, the loudest ‘horny’ orchestra I’ve ever heard. Haha. It was so funny that most of us were laughing, amused at the comical affair. I was told that they can only use the horns for serious emergencies, and only on New Year’s Eve that they have the liberty to honk as they wish. Some of the sailors or fishermen were shouting “yey!! Tahun Baru!!” “Selamat Tahun Baru!!!” One definitely caught my ear. “Tahun Baru aku nak bini baru!!!” Haha. Priceless.

We took some photos, we sang the old English Auld Lang Syne, and we took some more photos and then chatted for a little bit before everyone realized how their beds seemed like a slightly better place to be at that instant. I was exhausted by the end of all that. It was a new thing. A new experience (though may be ordinary in a lot of ways). But it is just how it should be to start a new year. It was perfect.

I’m off to a very jolly start and I hope that the rest of the year would be to. I don’t mind a bit of bumps and bangs once in a while, but I certainly hope that life would be a little easy on me so that I can endure the year with ultimate coolness (like I always did hehe) and to finally end it in style.

I pray that yours would be a fantastic one, too. And that you get to accomplish your new year’s resolutions – for real this time!

So long, for now. Happy Embracing 2008!!!

a birthday gift

i rarely receive expensive presents for my birthday. i only normally get "reasonably priced" things, or handmade goodies, which i like all the same (the effort people put into them touched me). however, this time around, i was spoilt a little. and being on the receiving end, i was fortunate and grateful. it was Daisy. an EDP by marc jacobs. here's a pic:




the fragrance is flowery, and reminded me of the verge of spring. i dig the whole thing - bottle, smell, the three huge daisies on top of the bottle cap..everything.

except that, i really love the Maybe Baby parfum by Benefit. its smell is something that would make you think of..hmm, me? *sheepish grin* i like it for the fact that it is very low-fi, subtly seductive and all the things along that line.

not that im taking Daisy for granted, i love them both. but i'll slave my way to get my hands on Maybe Baby (not like literally slave, perhaps save up a dime or two a day, no pressure on me). well, a broke girl can dream right? maybe, baby!

twenty is not such a big deal anyway

i thought it was going to be like super exciting, and life-changing in some ways, and im going to have a major freak-out moment, but no, i was fine. it was just like any other day..worse, in fact. it started out with a mega battle with a family member. i lost and was quite down and upset throughout the entire day. well-wishes from friends and family consoled me a tad, but not enough to bring up the mood i had initially in the morning. and by the end of the day, i just thought "twenty isn't such a big deal after all".

of dreams

do you dream in black and white?

just a thought

At times we may forget that soldiers are just people like everyone else. They laugh, they cry, they have sweethearts and mothers, birthdays and favorite cars - and they die. Sometimes when we are celebrating victories we forget about those who made it possible, those who gave the ultimate sacrifice for their country.

the best tunes to aidilfitri

i love all the Raya songs. however, i only have two favorite Raya songs that i would go nuts if i didn't listen them aired on the radio. those two songs are:

*drumrolls*

2. Cahaya Aidilfitri - Ramlah Ram
1. Sepasang Kurung Biru - Khairil Johari Johar

i love these two songs for respectively different reasons. i will include the lyrics here:

Cahaya Aidilfitri

Saujana indah pandangan
Alam keliling di desa permai
Saujana handai dan taulan
Masa berhimpun beramai-ramai
Riang suasana
Gurau senda sesama keluarga
Gembira menantiMenjelang cahaya aidifitri
Selamat Selamat Hari Raya
Salam ucapan untuk semua
Aidilfitri kita raikan
Bersama kesyukuran
Bergema suara takbir
Laungan suci di sini sana
Bersyukur pada Ilahi
Menjelma kini hari yang mulia

( 1 )
Riang suasana
Umat islam miskin dan kaya
Gembira di hati
Menyambut aidilfitri

( 2 )
Selamat Selamat hari Raya
Salam ucapan untuk semua
Aidilfitri kita raikan
Bersama kesyukuran

( 2 )
Selamat Selamat hari Raya
Salam ucapan untuk semua
Ampun dan maaf kita bersama
Selamat hari Raya


Sepasang Kurung Biru

Tiada salam atau ucapan
Tiada pesan tanda ingatan
Suasana penuh keriangan
Ku teringat pada seseorang
oh...

Di hari yang berbahgia ini
Hatiku kosong dan sepi sekali
Betapa manis kenangi lalu
Menyambut raya bersama denganku
oh...

( korus )
Tiada bisikan lembut yang ku dengar
Hanya suara azan sayup bergema
Masih kurasakan hangat tanganmu
Di pagi raya bersalam dengan ku
Tetamu datang tetamu pergi
Namun tak tiba orang ku nanti
Hanya sepasang kurung nan biru
Menjadi teman mengubat rindu ku

let's write some more!

8:30 am -- psychology -- presentation

11.30 am -- study -- for nihongo no tesuto
-- work -- phonetics project

2:00 pm -- japanese -- oral test
-- listening test

4.oo pm -- work -- phonetics project

8:00 pm -- phonetics -- submit project

cant wait till it's time to get out of this hell!!

i shall not freak out. especially when it IS the perfect time to freak out. workload is surmountably huge, it simply sounds ridiculous. man, i wish i had a few more hands and brains.

no.

maybe i should wish for less work.

as of this moment, i have a bunch of things to be done and submitted TODAY, but i'l resort to this.

for crapping is my only solace.

(i want to laugh my heart out now! -- just to ease the tense)

ambulances' sirens

i heard the ambulance from my bedroom last night. and i wondered, who could that person be? i wondered if it was someone i know. or someone who i have met before. sometimes when i hear the ambulance passing by i would imagine myself at the place of the person being rushed off to the hospital.

would anyone have wondered if it was me inside?

heck, we're human

right this moment, there's nothing else i'd rather be than myself. there are many shortcomings, but heck, we're human. to change a person's temperament is not an easy thing to do, but yes, we can try. i know, i am all i'll ever be - but i can try.

there are no special things

there are no special things.

only normal things looking like magic.

miracles. do they exist?

time will tell. how much time do i have left?

i should wait. am i patient?

give me a hint. i cant tell.

belief. i do have.

faith. checked.
...
im good.

life's not complicated

a good old friend of mine called last night..and it was very awkward at first. weird cause he never called me. after some time of junking (we coined that word) finally he said he is going through some kind of a problem. and need some time off. nway, point is, he left me pondering on his final advice before he hung up. he said:

"life is not complicated. we are."

which is sort of true. i found myself believing in those words. some things are very obvious and simple, but we tend to complexify it. yes, yes. very true.

maybe this principle might help me to be more optimistic about things.

thank you, man.

it isnt fair

it's not fair. it's not fair and it will never be. how can you feel obliged to return someone's love when you don't actually have to?

happiness

is it important to be happy? i used to think it isnt, but i soon learned that it is primarily essential. everyday, it is a common view we see where people laugh and smile with friends and families, but how do we know if they are happy? does it show through facial expressions and words? or is it intrinsic, a feeling that only the person knows?

being happy is important. my dad always ask me about my career choices. and his advice before pursuing a goal would be to deliberate the most fundamental question : "do i want to be rich or happy?". from the point you answer that, the journey's half completed.
happiness is a priceless sensation. you may be going through the worst time of your life, or a major bad hair day, but it is possible to feel happy despite of that. when you are happy, bad things are fragranced.

happiness is constant. but it is also a phase. it might be extreme, but most of the times it is moderate. happy people dont go around putting a huge smile on their faces. they might be wearing a blank expression, but their hearts are spilling with happiness that others couldnt see. that excess happiness is spread to people around them and that is why, happy people attracts people. they share their bliss.

most people get confused. they think they are happy, but the fact is, they are not. what they are feeling, is not happiness, but comfort. dont jumble up between being comfortable and happy. you may think they are similar, but they look different, they are spelled differently, and they totally feel different.

currently, i have so many problems to settle, so many things to do, so many issues to think of. things turn from bad to worse. i dont have everything i wanted. but i do have something. i think i am happy.

so, is it really that important to be happy?

oh, yes.

.a (three, actually) sin.

situation: i stole a magazine of Christian understanding from a clinic in town.
reason: there was an article on the Armour of God that i need to finish reading and suddenly it was already time to go. because of my deep drive to seek knowledge, stealing seemed to be the best option.

sin (1): stealing is a crime.
sin (2): something 'religious' was stolen.
sin (3): the venue of the crime was inappropriate.

resolution: i regretted the action and vowed not to commit any of the above sins.

harlem

what happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry uplike a raisin in the sun?
or fester like a sore --
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
or crust and sugar over --
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

or does it explode?

a prayer

never at all a second gone,
without me crying and mourn,
i pray humbly to you.. God,
to save me from this treacherous lot.

They preach kindness,
but they practice it not.
They ask for peace,
but war is what they sought.
They sing for love,
but to love back they won't.
They kill their brothers,
to unite as one they don't.

oh, the Most Merciful!
let go of my hands never,
save me from all these Fools,
save me today --and forever.



writer's note: the poet wrote this when she felt that the world is a big hipocricy and not less than a contradiction. nobody else is better at keeping the world and the people at bay than Him. and because of that, she communicated with Him in the hopes that the world would be a better place, at least, before it ends once and for all.

*this is a private property of theroyalcrapster.

what i want

what do i want?
what do i want?
what do i want?

i want peace.

in my mind --
in my land, and
in my soul.

time flies

very recently, i had a craving - not in the form of food or things, however a feeling of wanting to meet people that i've long forgotten about. i found an album full of my high school pictures - specifically, those of my form 1 year. i've been looking for this particular album for ages but failed to be detected. haha. now, i just missed all of them (my f1 classmates)!!

we all looked so young and innocent. with perculiar poses and the 'peace' sign can be seen in 8 out of 10 pictures. how cute. the good old days..

i guess, for me to meet again with all of them, especially the ones im not very close to, is really difficult. almost impossible. how i wished i had known them better.

when i looked at those pictures, with some of the people i couldnt remember the names and teachers i forgot they ever taught me, i thought to myself "hmm, how time flies.."

the sad fact is, u didnt even notice when time passes by.

yesterday

fa came to my house yesterday, after i sent my sister (lia) to sekolah agama. well, it wasnt planned, just that we both felt really bored, so she decided to come to my house. she came, and we had a mini jam. i played some songs on the piano and sang. fa sang too.

then i played some of fa's songs and mine. and that's when we both decided to really get serious with the songs. cause honest to goodness, they were kind of good. haha. well, sing-a-longable. kah2.

however she forgot to bring her guitar along, so we couldnt realy work it out. now im working on the intro of one (untitled) song. hope it come out okay.

morningstar

I saw a star beneath the stairs glowing through the melting walls. Who will be the first to begin their fall? Or will we become one? Am I the star beneath the stairs? Am I a ghost upon the stage? Am I your anything? I saw a star beneath the stairs glowing bright before descent and in the morning there is nothing left but what's inside of me. And I don't want to die tonight; will you believe in me? And I don't want to fall into the light. Will you wish upon? Will you walk upon me? I don't want to die tonight. Will you believe in me?

ordinary day

today i woke up, watched martha stewart on telly, spent a little time worrying about the paper tomorrow, then took a shower, got worried again and then went for brunch.

life couldnt be anymore normal than that. i love life!

yeah right..

i dont expect anything fun for the rest of the day, but couldnt wait for the whole finals to over. four down, two more to go. yea baby!

then i can start planning my social life, get reunited with some of my dear peeps, organize myself and probably waste the rest of the holiday staring into space.

huh, it's been such a long time.

cant wait :)

just blurbs 1

what u feel you are is what you really are..i think.

just blurbs 2

there's so many of us.so many people who look, act, talk and dress like me.and you. yet, i am an individual. we are individuals. everyone is their own person.

gobsmacked!

i wanted to write something, but it suddenly didnt come out. shit. i have no idea what the freak is going on up there (in my brain). alright then, it'll have to be later i guess. ugh. i seriously hate it. another case of short-term memory. nak kena makan kismis banyak-banyak nih. biar memory kasi kuat sket. patutlah sejarah pmr dulu dpt B. hish, kecoh..kecoh.

new year, new me?

new year, new me..? take a second to laugh at that statement. i dont bloody think solah. it's very difficult. this year im turning 20 and it's scarying me (though we know it's not like its gonna kill me). shoot. i have soo many things to be done yet before it's all too late. argh. no pressures! super. now i have to go organize my all-messy, shrubby life. where do i start? oh. i need an organizer.

unjustifiable

why do men think they can justify death? i question the same thing as mel gibson in the patriot. if everyone has the same mindset - to kill a person in order to justify the death that the person has committed - then everyone would have been dead by now.

it looks fair to some. maybe that's why they implemented the death penalty for murderers and the likes. when you kill someone, then you got killed. vice versa. then the executioner should be killed too, as he killed the killer that killed the person who was killed by him. got what i mean?
so i suggest that we should think this matter over. as it will give a certain euphorical feeling. like u get to solve the da vinci code or something. but it is an important matter. just that no one really give a thought about it.

thus, give me some feedbacks on this.

why do men think they can justify death?

just blurbs 6 : you feel it, but you dont

i had to laugh. i just had to. sometimes, (most of the times actually) i was too confused with myself that laughter is the only thing that'll resolve everything. like, bringing a climax to the whole drama. hahahahaha (there you go, still laughing)

or is it just me. maybe it's within me, biologically. maybe if you drop into a series of unstoppable laughter, (for no particular reason, be it reasonable or not) you're in some kind of a disease. sheesh. the laughter syndrome.

confusion and laughter. great combo. hahaha (still laughing, but mentally though coz people are staring).

you know, i got confused over some trivial, most microscopic stuff. i feel it, but i dont. or rather, i feel it, but i dont like the feeling.

rephrase please. i feel it, i like it, but i dont want commitment.that's more like it. now i should stop laughing.hahahaahahaha.

i can't. it's just euphorical. there's a solution!

just blurbs 4: when you wish for too much

you can dream, you can wish. you can hope for everything in the world to be yours. but be careful not to be hurt by what you dream for. cause you might just not get it. even if you do, it doesn't guarantee you'd be the happiest man alive. maybe yes, but maybe not for long. you can wish as much as you want. just don't wish for too much. somebody might get hurt.

just blurbs 3: when you're not who you are

when are you not who you are? several varied situations.

now or never

I watch the morning dawn upon your skin
A splinter in the light
It caught and frayed the very heart of us
It's been hiding there inside for all this time
How a sure thing winds up just like this
Clockwork silence only knows
And it's no one's fault
There's no black and white
Only you and me
On this endless night
And as the hours run away
With another life
Oh, darling can't you see
It's now or never
It's now or never
Sleeping anxious still at 3 am
We're trying far too hard
The tattered thought balloons above our heads
Sinking in the weight of all we need to sayWhy's and what if's have since long played out
Left us short on happy endings
And it's no one's fault
There's no black and white
Only you and me
On this endless night
And as the hours run away
With another life
Oh, darling can't you see
It's now or never
It's now or never
You know that there's so much more
And it's no one's fault
There's no black and white
Only you and me
On our final night
And as the hours run away
With another life
Oh, darling can't you see
It's now or never
It's now or never


p/s: i luv the words, i just had to put it here. by josh groban

i just talked to a person who thinks he was being judged. clearly, the name can not be revealed for confidential purposes. he is not straight but has a really kind heart. he decided to take part in donating some blood at the campaign the other day.

however, the person at the registration counter refuse to let him donate cause he has the tendency to get HIV/AIDS. i know that might be true. but brushing him off like he's some kind of a walking disease is totally not appropriate.

she should let him know properly of the reasons why he couldn't and should next time take off the sceptical look from her (oops) face.

basically, im just an advocate for my poor friend, which i know has been hurt many times with people who does not have a sense of sensitivity in them.

for you, my friend, just take a deep breath and move on. you chose to be the way you are and therefore you have to swallow the sweet and bitter. anything, gimme a buzz.

all that i've got - the used

So deep, that it didn't even bleed and catch me Off guard, red handed Now I'm far from lonely Asleep I still see you lying next to me So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I... I need something else would Someone please just give me Hit me and knock me out And let me go back to sleep I can laugh All I want inside I still am empty So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I... I'll be just fine Pretending I'm not I'm far from lonely And it's all that I've got I guess, I remember every glance you shot me Un-harmed, im losing weight and some body heat I squoze so hard I stopped your heart from beating So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me, I.... I'll be just fine Pretending I'm not I'm far from lonely And it's all that I've got And it's all that I've got Yeah, it's all that I've got It's all that I've got It's all that I've got! So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me I'll be just fine Pretending I'm not I'm far from lonely and it's all that I've got And it's all that I've got Yeah, it's all that I've got

alfie made me wonder

i was watching 'alfie' when it occured in my mind about the people around me. how much they've sacrificed for my sake, how tolerable they've been with my antics and shortcomings, how they've seen my imperfections as a gift that only i have..

all these thoughts made me realized how thankful i should be. yes, people come and go. but they have certainly left a mark. some came for a very short while and disappear as soon as a blink of an eye - but left the greatest impact. some stayed for a very long time - like the time i would take to finish my vegetables, but affect me just a little bit. how i would explain the 'impact' is totally subjective according to my preferences.

i've wondered a lot about "jodoh dan pertemuan". like if someone i would always, but eventually meet out of the blue is truly someone i should give more attention to, if you get what i mean. or if someone who has always been by my side possibly means nothing to me..just a matter of geographical factors. like im close to that person because i only have him/her, or because i really want to be close to that person, have mutual connections.

i've wondered if a friend can be called a friend. or should only be called acquaintance, because he/she don't really play a role as a friend - just there because of a situation,coincidentally. i really don't know how to explain this.ugh. then, would i be friendless? maybe i have many acquaintances but no friends. or maybe the other way around. or none of both. nada. zilch.
geez.this sucked,my mind suggested.

i've wondered the answers for the questions. but ended up eating Tesco potato chips while starring into space. my mouth chewing on auto-pilot.

like 'alfie', i guess the answers will just come along by itself. time is what i have plenty of, and my journey's just beginning. i'll leave the questions as it is for now.

i was weak

at that moment, i can only do nothing. as she held the scissors and comb closer to my hair, i shut my eyelids close. all my heart i prayed that i made the right decision - to let a stranger cut my hair.

gradually, little by little, she snipped off my tresses. i cried in my heart..cried for help and mercy from my friends next to me (they're also getting haircuts - happily).

and by the end of a long 30mins (that was the longest 30mins in my life)

blissful breakfast

the perfect breakfast for me would be a simple butter on toast (and sometimes with chocolate rice spread), hot choc, and enjoying all of this at the bench on my backyard - facing the LRT railway over a three-lane highway and some mansions on the hills. of course, it'd be even more blissful without the shreakings and yellings of my siblings. quiet and serene, only the chirpings of birds and the squirrels. if it rained the night before, then it's the loveliest! the air would be dewy and tingy cool. oh love it, love it, love it!

unbelievably touching

i went to a majlis graduasi for std 6 at my sister's skool, SBU. never did i expect for some intriguing and "surprising" moments to happen. basically, three things happen:

1. i met my old school teachers!! (they all looked pretty much the same)

2. i met some of my long-lost friends. (well,two..to be exact)

3. i met with a car accident. (so not me.saya pemandu berhemah)

okay, lowdown cleared. here's the scoop.

i sent my sisters (ilin +lia) to the skool at around 6pm. ilin was the one graduating, and lia is the type of person who just have to be there. i mean, dia macam rasa dia teachers' pet lah. so, she was appointed to record the whole event. somethin like a documentary (her self-project) where it's full of weirdly moving objects and we all looked like we were in Japan and earthquake striked -- basically caused by her shaking hands.i asked her to use a tripod.

anyways, yeah i sent them, and i went meronggeng jap 'til it's 7pm approx. and, nothing was wrong -- i parked safely outside the skool, at a legal parking space, i turned off the engine and went out of the car. there was a car in front, and no cars behind. i adjusted the buckles of my shoe and looked at the great job i did parking the car so nicely. but wait a minute, fairytales' a bullshit. being the kind-of-a-perfectionist-lah, i can't help but noticed that the car macam senget sket. and i forgot to turned the wheels so that it's straight (sumthin like dat). so i got back in the car, turned on the engine, turned on the air-cond (i had to), stretched my backs, and start to reverse the car. i reversed, and keep on reversing until suddenly.."Bhammm!!!". i pulled the hand break. shit. disastro megagalattico. somebody was honking like he just found the function of it, and it was mad. a couple of school kids started crying and ran into the skool compound. a young, kinda-cute guy came out of the car. there's another guy sitting at the passenger seat. he asked what was i thinking and whether or not i know how to drive. he looked at me as if i killed his brother. poyo lbey. putting my ego aside, i apologised to him, and secretly thought to myself that he can't help checking me out. nak sedapkan hati.

but then, couraged swooned all over me. i said to him. wait, how come i didn't see you coming from the back? i should see la kan? so long story cut short, both of us were to be blamed. i did the stupidest thing, to actually forgot looking at the rearview mirror.whoops. and he, was, shall i say, the epitome of the whole heart-wrenching incident -- he forgot to switch on the headlights.whoops again.

nobody was injured, except that i was probably emotionally affected by the traumatic experience. my car was okay, just a teeny-weeny bit of scratch, which nobody would notice. the dude's car was okay too, but he exaggerated 90% of the story to his "police uncle" to make it sound bad. there's a dent half the size of my foot (im size 8) in the front of his car. so it's discussed and agreed upon, that we'll pay 50/50. coz, i pun salah juga. so tak nak laa nanti karma ke apa. better do it the good way. no evil-evil.

i think my just-graduated (mcm just-married) sister needs to use the lappie.i need to get my ass off here.i'll continue with the touching story of the IZZA AND HER TEACHERS (AND TWO FRIENDS) - REUNITED on the next blog. ciao.

there's ups and downs in life.ive been down, and down so low, it's kind of a slow ride to get back up. but well, time is something that i have plenty of. for those who have commented on my blogs, thank you, and don't believe whatever you read.it's just my emotions talking.haha.whatever.

anyways, some of the most nerve-wrecking problems in my life have been solved. i decided to give that person another chance.

trust is something that he has to build within me again. and i didn't say it's going to be easy. but i'm up to give it a worthy try.

i do realize that people never run out of mistakes.and that is why a second chance is essential to make something work. even if someone misuse the second chance he was granted, there's always a second-second chance and a third-second chance..right?

thank you

terima kasih kepada semua pihak yg telah membantu saya ketika saya dlm kesusahan dan kepayahan..terutama sekali my support system : rakan-rakan taulan, jiran-jiran tetangga, dan sbgnya.

kepada keluarga, terima kasih kerana mengajar saya sesuatu yg baru dan mungkin pengalaman ini akan berguna kpd saya di masa hdpn.

terus, buat semua yg tlh membantu secara langsung mahupun tidak, terima kasih banyk2.semua yg tlh menyokong dr segi emosi,kewangan,dan sokongn moral.
terima kasih kalian semua!

the people that will help you when you are in need, is weirdly enough, the people you least expected.

just when you think

just when you think you can rely on someone, something will prove to you that the person isn't. and your heart will sore like never before, as you see the trust you have for them crumbles to the floor. when the only person i believe in this world, the one i really looked up to, break the trust i have in him, all i could do was cry.

i cried and cried like a baby to the four walls around me. and the only thing that can hear me was the spider on its web at the corners of the bookshelf.

i hate that feeling. the feeling of being cheated.

the chronicles of DrM, the PM, the Cabinet and Malaysia

hot on the news and making the cover page is none other our ex-pm Tun Dr Mahathir. it didnt appear to me as a shock, coz i know he's the type dat would actually do something like that. i was at the promuda conference recently where Tun was invited to give the keynote. the way he spoke on the mic was slow and steady - as if trying his best not to say the wrong things. but on the whole, the speech was very inspiring to us young souls and he generally briefed us on the real issues that is going on 'behind the scene'. after pointing out some of the issues and predicaments, he gave out his most honest opinions and inserted some solutions. while all of this was happening, i made a note in my head that he was so darn brilliant. he's a pure genius! there're lots of signs that showed he was a forward constructive thinker and i remembered him saying that whatever he's doing right now, is always for the far future.
tun also did say that he's already retired, so he shoud juz go home and sleep. don't have to worry anymore bout the country. sit home and shut up. just take a nap and play with grandchildren. but then, he added that that's exactly what he was planning to do when things starter to get on his nerves. he said he can't just sit home and shut up while singapore go on and bully us with nobody doing anything. he cant let the cabinet approve of transparency in media whatsoever. sooner or later, malaysians would want to know what exactly happened and that's why he questioned bout tengku mahaleel's renewal of contract and the sale of agusta. i nodded my head and agreed to every single statement he made in the newspaper, mags etc. but one thing that i truely and totally disagree is when he said that abdullah badawi is his second choice, not his first. how can he have said something awful like that? i mean, that dude went through loads of bumpety-bumps, plus he's only been there for 2 years (unlike tun, for 22 years) so let's juz give him a break and some moral support.
however, knowing tun, he seldom does anything without a reason. when i thought about it, i came to the conclusion that he must have an agenda. he cant have done all this out of the blue and was so darn brave to go out and make public statements that he know will stir the whole region. he must have a back-up plan. c'mon, he's been there for 22years. he knew us well. he knew how the system works. he practically knew the consequences like the back of his hands. he's notorious amongst the westerners and well-respected among muslim countries. whether it's good or bad, people look at him. so he cant have made a stupid mistake by saying controversial statements in public. he must know something that we don't. meantime, i'll keep on pondering what might be his major plan for taking all this steps.
he provoked openly some questions to the cabinet, enquiring someone to explain the whole truth on the four issues that he had pointed out. but unfortunately, our members of the cabinet were a bunch of scaredy-cats that they retreated, saying that tun has no rights in asking or speaking out now that he's no longer on board, and they ended up giving no explanation.nothing.nada.zilch. if you go to any forums (be it online or not) discussing on this topic, you would find that they are all mad as to why they (the cabinet) dont provide relevant explanations. it seemed like they, especially the pm, is in the wrong for doing what they did. but come to think of it, if you were in their (the cabinets) shoes, would you say anything? i dont think i would. first, because you're in the cabinet and the head is pak lah. so you listen to pak lah, not tun. second is probably that you dont want to lose your job by giving in and explain. so in short, the cabinet members are pretty much sandwiched between pak lah and his predecessor, tun.
talking bout chronism, most of those on board are paklah's die-hard-fans. i know i cant really say this, but it's as obvious as a black dot on a white piece of paper. and it takes a 5-year-old to notice. tun's people, like, musa hitam, allahyarham ghafar baba and some few others are the only ones in the cabinet. so they cant really argue against the majority.
it's true when tun said "why are they making such a chaos? i just asked some question for them to answer. that's all!". and yet, they keep on beating around the bush. when someone asked tun where he thinks we are heading as a nation, he answered non-chalantly and in coy "i'd like to say we're heading in the right direction, just to give some optimistic boost to everyone, but i'll have to say the truth. and the truth is we're heading nowhere. frankly, we're heading the wrong direction". it was 'ouch' but they say truth hurts, so it's reality i guess. now, when he said that, i was frantic at thinking our nation's condition and status. and then i realized how stupid we were for doing what we did, especially in the case of singapore. ugh.i just peeved them (oops). it'll take me another blog to write on this issue.
share your comments and opinions on this matter. i really really love to discuss about it.

back in control

yeah, two down, more to go. im starting to see sunshine little by little. the feeling's great and i might as well enjoy it while i can. this is very very impressive. im proud of myself. wahahaha. i have to say, im a promising tactics and strategy planner. (shit, boastful statement). now gotta focus on my next victim; the very much threatening woman (short term) - my dentist. how the hell am i going to face her, i have know idea. it's time for my alter ego (the wise one) to take charge and come up with a brill tactic to 'tumpaskan musuh tersebut'. she has no right whatsoever to say what i should do with my teeth. motto for this quest : my teeth,my money,my call.

equation on (pathetic) real life issues

equation on (pathetic) real life issues
hypothesis : (A + B = 1) (C + D = 1)
A <---> B C <---> D
A <---> D C x---> B
B ---> C
conclusion : A = 2, B = 1, C = 2, D = 2. B = foul.

there's gotta be something in everything

there's an end to everything that starts,
there's a solution to every problem,
there's a silver lining to every cloud,
there's a remedy to every wound,
there's a cure to every disease,
there's love in every heart,
there's a child in everyone,
there's a key to every door,
there's a road to every destination,
there's hope in every failure,
there's hardwork to every success,
there's sacrifice in every happiness,
there's a past beneath the present.
there's always something to something.
there can't be nothing to anything.
there's got to be something in everything.

there's gotta be something in everything

there's an end to everything that starts,
there's a solution to every problem,
there's a silver lining to every cloud,
there's a remedy to every wound,
there's a cure to every disease,
there's love in every heart,
there's a child in everyone,
there's a key to every door,
there's a road to every destination,
there's hope in every failure,
there's hardwork to every success,
there's sacrifice in every happiness,
there's a past beneath the present.
there's always something to something.
there can't be nothing to anything.
there's got to be something in everything.

nothing but a failure

sometimes, you just feel like disappearing. wish there is a hole somewhere which you can jump in and stay down there forever. or a magic closet that you can walk in to and transmit to another world where nobody would recognize you. it isn't about feeling embarrassed or anything of that sort. it's about feeling like a failure. like when you look at yourself straight in the eyes across the mirror, you see no hope, no vision, no optimism. you only see nothing. you wish you could smear and blotch the image in the mirror with a red lipstick. or even batter and punch so it would break down to tiny little pieces. then you walk on the sharp bits of the mirror on the floor until your feet bleed horribly. and you watch the dark blood stain on the tiles fade away into the pipe fissure as water runs. you might feel a twinge of satisfaction, but you realize that nothing would change. you'll get nothing except for rotten feet. the rest of the world is still the same. you walk out the doorstep of your house and a neighbour smiled, but you look away in return. your mom cooked you your favourite prawn fritters dish, but you can't as much as taste the plain water. a friend invited you to a party but you don't even feel like leaving your hard-pillowed bed. you have the notion that everything's in their customary routine but you don't seem like you're in the entire motion. you're just lost. lost in your own feelings of disappointment and letdown. every night when you lie in bed, you feel like a malfunctioned unit. a person without a purpose. an individual that is useless, worthless and futile. but just before you shut your eyes, you cry a prayer. you pray for all the strength in the world, and so that God would show you the way. give you hope to start anew tomorrow. and put a force to every single muscle in your body to not just walk, but to step forward and move ahead. and most importantly, you pray for the verve and dynamism to mend your faults. patch-up all your blunders and fix the errors you've made. then you go to sleep serenely, hoping to wake up to a brand-new life.

the couch in 2/312

I was sitting on the couch in my room when i suddenly realized how much i will miss it. According to my rough calculations, i spent approximately 9-12 hours (on average) on the couch everyday. i practically 'lived' on it. When i come back home after classes, i would drop all my things on the table and jump on the couch. It is the most comfortable sofa ever. it almost feels like the couch is customized for me. Whatever position im in (on the sofa), i'd feel comfortable. I can even sleep on it – which I always do (accidentally). after 8 hours of sleep on the couch, my neck and back would rarely, almost never, strain or get cramped. i mean, seriously, i never thought a 400bucks sofa could feel so comfortable. when i go to my friends' room, i'd go sit on the couch (the sofas in cemara are all of the same type).
I was sitting on the couch in my room when i realized that the couch is in most of my memories. When I recall incidents from the past, during my stay in cemara, I could almost see the couch somewhere in it. It’s like you see a filmstrip and in every fragment has a glimpse of the couch. Man, I am so cemara-couch-obsessed. But seriously, it’s really great that I could use the ‘couch’ to symbolize me and everything that’s ever happen to me in cemara. I studied, ate, sang, gossiped, shrunk, reminisced, slept, and do thousands other activities on it. I could probably simplify the whole thing in an equation.
(Me + cemara couch) x 9hrs/day = entire experience of stay in cemara
I was sitting on the couch in my room when suddenly I heard my name being called by one of my roommates. She was asking me if I have any empty, unused boxes. I answered no and asked her what for. She replied that she needed a couple of boxes to pack her things up to bring them back home. It hit me that people had started to pack already. That moment I comprehended that it’s almost the end of the semester, the end of pre-degree, the end of my stay in cemara, the end of my life with the couch. I become conscious that I haven’t packed my things and that my roomies had practically emptied their lockers and the whole room looked like a tidal wave just washed everything over. There were bags, boxes and plastic bags scattered around the room and near the door. Still, I didn’t budge and stay put on the couch. I scrutinized every angle of the room from where I sit and watched my roomies scurry around and one of them was putting one thing in a bag, trying frantically to zip the explicitly overloaded carrier. Another was desperately stuffing a stack of hangers in a pail and another was scrunching worksheets and test papers and throwing it in a huge garbage bag.
I was sitting on the couch in my room when I recalled the 9 months I spent with people that I barely know a year ago. I realized that even if we knew somebody for a long time, it does not mean that the person knows us best and vice versa, and not that we are compatible or can connect with them greatly. What I found with some of the people here in TESLville is the instant connectivity or chemistry between me and them. I found that these people understand me better than some of my friends that I’ve known for practically the whole of my life. I had an immense experience here and would put whatever I’ve learned to good use. My perception changed towards certain people and certain situations. I discovered new ways of handling things that I’ve never been able to straighten out all this while. I have new ways to approach problems and open up to different perspectives when I need to. I also learned about unity in the TESL community, which is applicable to other circumstances. I can pretty much say that I’ve become more mature through these 9 significant months. It’s astounding how so little time can teach me so many things. To list down everything is just impossible.
Now, I am sitting on the couch typing away my opaque, dim-witted thoughts and I still haven’t packed my things, which is ghastly as I will be going home in 24 hours time. I know I don’t need that much time to pack but there’s still a feeling of uneasiness. I gawked in front of me and see my things speckled everywhere. I don’t care; I want to spend as much time as possible on this couch before I go home and wrap up the semester. The couch’s neither plushy nor stylish. It’s just plain brown and simple in terms of the design. But it’s well-structured and it suits me, like hell. I just love the couch in Cemara. Period. Now I want to sleep for a couple of hours, here in this couch, and then wake up to pack. Then, it will all be over for me - and the couch.

where's the silver lining?

every cloud has its siver lining. but the problem is, i haven't seen one. and i have like dozens of clouds here. i am truly hoping that there would be some good things i would get out of all this. maybe it's still not time. or maybe it's not silver, maybe it's gold or pink. (haha) maybe i did not realize. hmm, might just be it. i tend to get blur or ignorant at times. but most of the times, im just plain blur. like someone said, im a certified blur. okay, have to be alert next time around. have to be more attentive.

tobey the spidey

once upon a day, i have a pet. it is a spider. tobey is it's name. i gave it that name because it is significant to tobey mcguire in the movie - spiderman. in fact, it's a good name as it rhymes with spidey. you see, tobey the spidey. it's cool. i love it. i once had a spider. it's all black and a bit furry. my mom hated it but i kept it anyway. me and my brother call it 'abdullah'. the name suits it. anyway, after a few months, mom throw it away, along with the plastic container that i used as its crib. me and my bro were so devastated that we carried up the 'cold storage'. 'cold storage' is something like the cold treatment, you know when u act as if someone does not exist. when i have tobey now, it gives me the vibe that abdullah still exist. well, altho tobey is just a virtual pet and i don't really have to take care of him or feed him, it's still good to have a memory of abdullah.

my love sign

my love sign is - Capricorn. here's what they say:

Having Venus in Capricorn is a sure sign that the game of love will not be rushed. A better question might be whether things will get off the ground at all! Those graced by this placement are cautious to the core, not ones to jump into love or meander through various flings. Rather, the tender care of another is what will bring this lover into full bloom. That said, once insecurities and fear of rejection are shoved aside, those with their Venus in Capricorn can be loyal and true lovers who will work hard at making their relationship click. Don't expect a fountain of feelings to flow from these folks, however; expect them instead to be relatively private, albeit sensualists in the right situation. That situation is likely to be one where emotional and financial security is virtually guaranteed. Now that's not too much to ask, is it? Well, hard worker that the Goat is, those with this placement can expect to spend much of their time doing the work which will ultimately lead to relationship bliss. The fruits of this labor? A faithful and devoted lover. Not bad!

hmm..(thinking)

i'm a teenage dirtbag..wheatus said.

i totally agree to wheatus and think that im the best example of a teenage dirtbag. a teenage is defined as a person at his/her young age which im not really sure of the age range. and dirtbag can be defined as a bag to put dirt. i think it's the bag you use for vacuum cleaner, something like that. so basically, u got the picture, right? but that's literally speaking. the implied meaning is simply dat im a..loser. huu, i did not say it out loud. well, ok maybe i am not a total loser, but at sum points of my life maybe. anyway, i personally think it's cool to be a loser. people don't actually give a damn to you and whatever you're doing and it makes it even easier for you to do your stuffs. i mean, who cares right? i love the fact that people would actually look down on you. but the moment you rise, you will prove them all wrong - flat in their faces. it's like the return of the loser or something, ya know? wonder what it feels to be mocked at and made fun of. and suddenly wat gempaq gle. dat is juz sooo cool. if i can pick, i'd be a cool loser. is there such a thing? anyway, i'd be da best loser ever. like someone said, no matter who u are, and regardless what u do, u'll juz have 2 be da best in it. thus, i'd not only be a loser, but the best loser in town.

empty mind..liberty!!

woah..like, finally! well, now dat da whole drama thing has ended, liberty has actually taken place!! i am free!! at last!! weird thing is, i'm not sure how im gonna face da fact that i will no longer have to think bout drama 24/7, which i was constantly doing for the past few months! an empty mind is so bizarre! it rarely happens this semester, and im having trouble handling it. weird, weird. oh crap, i should be happy for not having to pressurize myself anymore, but well, let's juz say i was already used to it. haha, silly me. hmm, the idea of actually spending my sundays in bed while listening to music and eating cake (so much for an imagination) is tremendously marvellous!! i think i should list down the things that i would like to do during my weekends. woah, this totally freaked me out! i can actually spend time on weekends however i want! yippee!! ok, now i'm starting to sound like a martian. not that i've never experience holiday or whatever, but it's been such a long time, man! and i am going to have so much fun!

it hit me...i'm pathetic

oh yea, it hit me right on the head. for once, i was unable to speak. i mean, frankly speaking, i don't really know how to describe it. at one point i was at the top of the world. i thought i was content enough. i thought i had everything. well, 'almost' of course. and suddenly i was to know that my whole inspiration was a fraud. i know this might not be clear but it's not for others to know except for myself. that was all a big fat lie. for a moment, i lost focus. i don't know the reason me being here. what was the whole point again? i was confused. i was scared. i was everything i ought not be. and the sad thing is, i was alone. yup, all by myself. which made me realize that, i'll just have to learn and cope by myself. life is cruel. needless to say, unfair. fair enough, i took the challenge and i'm still alive till this very moment. alive and breathing.

the world has big tears

I just love rainfall. When it rains, I can feel certain tranquility and a squirt of contentment. I love the fact that people tend to shy away and keep under wraps in their houses or hideaway. And for a moment, the world would be at peace. All that can be heard is the sound of cars swooshing on the roads, pedestrians walking in puddles of water from the rain, and also the pitter-patter of raindrops on windows and surfaces. Bashful faunas that have been keeping themselves away can now reveal themselves. The croaking of frogs and toads occasionally breaks the silence. When all this beautiful things take place, I would go to my bedroom window and open up the panels so that I can breathe in the fresh and unsoiled air while the zephyr caress every inch of my face subtly. This is therapy to me. I don’t need any massages or costly spas; just the sense of being a part in this wonderful piece of nature can ease my clustered mind and soul. In houses, the smell of hot chocolate and quiet chatters filled the empty atmosphere. From where I sit, I can always see interesting ostensible performances of lights from all the headlights of cars, streetlights, glows from house windows and shops along the streets. In time, I would feel a jolt of excitement running through my veins and a feeling of serenity and delight would conquest my psyche and body. Yes, you might call this cheap thrill. But the feeling that you obtain from it is devastating and remarkable and incredibly priceless – seriously, you won’t get it in the market. And when the sound of thunder blared once in a while, my adrenaline rushes like mad. In a way, it excites me that much. The rain falls down gradually heavier and less people would be outside. The sight of some pedestrians desperately rushing to find shelter and some even with their things falling out of grip and tumble in the puddle just amuse me. It’s like the whole world is putting up a show on me, and I am the spectator of this marvelous piece.

It feels like the world is crying, and the raindrops are big tears. How irony that the superior world would shed tears. It tells me in a way that this entire thing is a symbol – imagine, a huge being like the world can cry, what about meek earthlings like us? We are weak, feeble, and frail, and that’s why we need help from Him. That’s why He’s the Almighty. He made something with reasons. And subsequently, a rainbow would form. All seven beautiful colors structure itself from a cloud to another, like a colorful bridge over cotton candies. That moment, it’s back to happy mode. The weather would be moderate – not too hot, not too cold. Everything smells fresh after a rainfall, the grass, the flowers, the air. People would start going out again from their cocoon and happy and cheerful chatters would be heard again. I like the fact that rain can bring both, joy and sorrow. When it rained, it’s dark and gloomy. And when it stops raining, it’s merry and vivid. It’s like the world has alter ego, or have PMS. Anyway, of all the weathers, I love rain the most. It’s also a very romantic weather. My fantasy would be that – to meet my guy in that circumstance. We would share an umbrella, or maybe just walk in the rain - all wet and drained. But in the end, it would all just be hilarious and romantic. How sexy!

of course, heavy rain can cause damages and what not, i like the fact that it just proves that rain can also be powerful. it can destroy things if it wants to. the rain can throw tantrums and nobody would blame it. i would love to be like that. it can be mild and sweet and all, but it can also be harsh and cruel. but all in all, i still love the rain and will still be sitting by the window watching the raindrops fall on the surface and spread into huge loops of water. and i'll still be enjoying the show of lights in the streets and houses. i'll still be smiling and grinning at pedestrians who rushes to find shelter. i'll be enjoying it for the rest of my life.

seventh heaven

Last night, right after I performed my Isyak prayers, still clad in my praying robe, I felt shivers all over my body. It was a totally different feeling – I’ve never felt anything like it before. How I should explain it, I myself do not know. It’s like a very special sensation, probably a mixture of various emotions. All I can say is that, I was at the peak of serenity, tranquility, and peacefulness. The composure and equanimity is just… pure. Strange, yet familiar. I don’t know, it seemed normal, but for once, I was in cloud nine. Yup, it was a piece of heaven. I have no idea how the heck I get that feeling or if I’ll ever feel it again… it’s all left to the unknown. Yeah, I very much love the unknown - as much as I love surprises. *sigh* anyway, at one point, I was aware that the feeling I experienced was just too overwhelming and too immense that I almost lost touch with the world, with the whole contents of it. You can say that I was at the highest high of ecstasy – I was in seventh heaven. It lasted for only about a millisecond, and moments after that everything was back to earth. I looked around and noticed in dizziness, that everything and everyone was doing their things as usual. Up until now, every time after I prayed, I hope to have that kind of feeling again, but I never did. I wish that I would, in the coming future. But, as homework, I’d still have to get it figured out – the feeling. I need to find out if it was some sort of a sign or something; I would never want to miss that out. Or probably, God just wanted me to feel a bit of happiness and contentment – have a taste of heaven. It could be because of that, considering I’ve been going through a lot for the past few days. In any case, it is certainly not something to be brag about. I would keep it to myself with the hope I’d have another helping of it – if it’s not too much to ask for. Till then, good night.

the perishers

Now I know love can turn to hate in the blink of an eye

Another lie another alibi

When your curtain fell heaven turned to hell

What was real I could never tell

I wish I would have known

Wish I would have seen

I wish I’d had some lines to read between

I just can’t understand why you cared to stay

You never truly loved me anyway

I just can’t understand..


okay, these are some of the lines from the song titled 'sway' by 'the Perishers'. the baits are just beautiful and so damn meaningful. last night, someone in a really sad mode gave it to me. he was a friend of mine, a really good friend, i have to say. and he spilled the beans, saying that the person he liked turned away. and bla bla bla. and finally, we both agreed that we were suckers in this love arena. it is seriously not our cup of tea. not dat we don't like the other chromosome, it's just that, this thing is too subjective and too complicated that we'd rather not talk about it. we tried though, to search for 'the one' or whatever shit that is, for years, since high school. but not much result. there are some significant developments, though. a little bit here and there. but basically, still the same old thing. huh, just wish cupid is here to help. mercy us O' Cupid.. we badly need your help. okay, don't get me wrong or anything. i'm not desperate, nor my friend is. but we just want some obvious path to follow through and some guidance in order to meet our destinies. that's all. just a little favour and a simple prayer. from the both of us.

me and my stupid thoughts

i frequently ask myself things that i myself can't explain - well, sometimes i do have the answers at hand.. anyway lately, i've been thinking a lot about what really makes a friendship. two person might happen to be the best of friends just after a few minutes of encounter with each other. but for some, they need a couple of years, maybe, to really trust each other. as for me, it depends. it depends very much on the other party, but normally, i can get along fine just in the nick of time. somehow, i've just come to realize that, i do not really have someone i can call a best friend. seriously, no one. i almost did, though, but something strucked me not to. guess, it was simply a slip of mind. when i thought i nearly grasp the bliss of having a good friend, bad things dropped on me like raindrops. one after another. i hate to say that i do have a lot of friends, but not a single person can make me feel or act like who i really am. no one really understands me when i did something or say something. people thought i was funny. yeah, i do love to joke around. but heck, i'm human. i came to the extent of portraying myself as a clown - one that shows happy expressions on its face, with all those thick make-ups, making other people smile and laugh...but inside and underneath, it's all just a phony. beneath the heavy make-up, is a person trying to shed his fears, sadness, problems, loneliness, whatever etc. i thought i was one of those phony clowns, but i've frequently told myself that, in fact, i am not. and most of the times, i bought it. but it soon hit me that, what are some of the factors that affect me to lead this sort of life? i have to say, i really don't know. at least not yet. and about that friendship thingy, sometimes, i thought to myself, what are the benefits of having a 'friend' if that 'friend' himself feels like he 'had to' be a friend to someone? why do people put on masks and fake as a 'friend' to his friend. what the heck? if you don't want to be a friend, don't fake it. so i guess now, to me, the term 'friend' does not apply to just anyone you know. it is applied to someone who really 'wants' to be your friend instead of just faking it. friends are a small group of people from the large group of people you know. but of course, people from the large group can all be your friends. okay this thing is turning into something really confusing *grins*. therefore in short, not all your friends can be your 'friend' and yeah, stop putting on masks. i believe in total honesty and total frankness in a friendship. a true and pure friendship is realy hard to get. and at the end of the day, i am my own true best friend.

a quiz i picked up somewhere...

Izza, your true color is Orange!

You're a bold, confident orange. A warm, powerful color that indicates a strong, welcoming personality, orange is the mark of people who are social and extroverted by nature. Vibrant, with an upbeat attitude, you have a bright, inviting demeanor. Energetic and fun-loving, you're a real friend-magnet. Your easy charm and unassuming manner make you the sort of person people want to meet and get to know better. Well-rounded and fun to be around, you enjoy helping others, so it's no surprise that orange also symbolizes attraction. Orange is an extraordinary color — for an extraordinary person.