poetry around the desk

aganol,
antibacterial floor cleaner;
apple fresh.

garden home,
body lotion;
carnation.

ak turistik,
turkish bookmark;
woven.



p/s: inpired by the things lying randomly on my desk at the moment this poem is produced; in standard format. oh btw, dont wonder why i have the floor cleaner on my desk. ahaha.

a Lott to offer

my fave song from the leon's, apart from 'sex on fire', covered. as close as she can get to perfect. she got my approval this time! (not so much into 'mama do')

fool on freedom

trapped, in this freedom
suffocated, with the wisdom
marvel, your divine fingers
and you know, it still lingers

i come to face it, like that
it stares at me, straight
like a downside up bat
not a drop of fear, not afraid

freedom; that is what it was
now it is a line, a boundary
a spiral in which i am lost
a ground, an under, to bury

this soul is free and yet
it is as trapped as it can get,
but alas, none is to be blame
the virtue is in its name.

celebrating what i have

...

what do i have at this point of my life?


1. my family, who have seen me with or without clothes on (haha), surviving through my tantrums, cried and laughed together, growing up and growing into each other every second of the day.

2. one or two friends (or a few, definitely not many), who has been through thick and thin with me like they are family, and not making a big fuss out of it (and neither am i, couldnt ask for more).

3. decent amount of happiness. im not too happy that life is practically a party. and im not that sad and disappointed either with life that i have to plan the perfect suicide mission. im just the right amount of happy to still feel the need to earn for it.

4. personal vision and missions. i now have a few goals that i try to achieve and they have given me the drive to keep living everyday the fullest. short term, long term, all that jazz.

5. haters and nay-sayers. there are a whole bunch of them. some strangers, mostly those i know. these are the people that are bringing me down. but in contratry to what they think, i wont break under their terms. what cant break you, will make you stronger. we need them in our lives. it's like good bacteria (haha).

6. a long way to go. yes, i still have a whole journey ahead of me. and i aint lookin' back.

heaven

touching, the way she sings..

click here to watch it.

i just threw a bunch of words in a post and this is what i get

warning: this post is ugly. can't think straight and just need to get some words and thoughts out. if possible dont read it at all. currently very very messy in terms of everything. messy and tight. you can say life is in the pitfalls now, but i've been worse. so yeah im still alive and unfortunately have to deal with the shitzone.
i need two things: money, and a PA.

i have limited words

i use the same over and over

in attempts to mean

in attempts to propagate

i dont usually mean

the things i said

mostly went without

thorough thinking

i dont own a lot

the things i have

are very precious

i dont have lots of time

i dont own sacks of money

in fact the one word

that can describe

where i am in the

society right now is

limited.

limited words and therefore

making limited sense.

limited ways in spending

cause i ain't got cash.

limited to think

i am often told how to do so,

not very productive.

ugh im just limited and

not in an exclusive way.

and i might not act my age.

omg i have too much issues here.

today at school

well what do you know, it's the day before the school holidays. i cant say i wasnt sad or feeling a little bit like an old person watching her granddaughters and grandsons go back to the city; leaving her all alone at the kampung. what i felt was rather similar to that.

amidst all the honks (handmade by some boys using used water bottles? memang kreatif) after the last school bell rang, and the laughters and goodbyes and selamat-puasa's, i was there feeling sappy. i stood at the corridor facing the school gate from the first-floor for a good 7minutes or so, just feeling..sad. that was at 12.20pm.

i have no idea i would feel this way. i mean, i saw it coming, just not so strong and concrete of a feeling. i 100% felt sad. geez, it's just the school closing for a week for the holidays. in fact, i should feel very happy. this was what i wanted - being able to let my hair down, and resting my ears from the sounds of shrieks and screamings, and the constant "teacher, teacher, teacher, teacher, teacher!".

but funnily, i am contradicting myself. im an official walking contradiction. these kids have made me one.

some of the students even thought this was my last day at school, and insisted that we took photos together. after all the photo sessions, i explained to her that i'll still be coming to school after the hols. her face broke into a huge smile and she said "Yes!! Ish cikgu buat saya takut tadi! Dah nak nangis dah ingatkan cikgu dah hari last..!!"

if only she knew what was going through my mind at that moment. i was mentally prepping myself for the real day. i was actually role-playing the character of a prac teacher on her last day. and it felt horrible. i hated that feeling. i dont ever want to be in that spot! but you know, as everyone says, we must move on. i will have to face that day very soon. and i'd better just face it positively so that it wont leave like a black mark or something in my trail of life.

sigh sigh and an even bigger sigh.

i hope i will grow old and still have excellent memory. i hope when im 80 years old, i can still remember all the faces and names and kind things that the students did that made me dont ever want to stop teaching and leave school.

i hope and that's all i can do for now.

i want to be in the Amazon

it is definite.
i am going for a holiday, end of the year.
i dont care about swine flu,
i dont care if nobody wants to follow.
i badly need a change of air.
my bro and i are planning on prague.
but cash doesnt agree.
we're plainly short of it.
dammitz.
last resort would be KK,
or brunei, or macau.
where there are people we can crash with.
xxx worries about backpacking,
which is useless.
it is the only way to save.
ugh.
the gods of moolah,
please grant me a blank check.
hehe.
meanwhile, planning doesnt hurt :p
still looking for inspiration.

the price some people pay

you sometimes sleep with one eye open.
regardless the dream of rainbows and fountains.
anxious, doubt and the feeling of blue,
can just get the better of you.


i can't pull out pretty verses.
i only have those to hate.
i now feel like how i think.
i hate being sick, in this bed.

i can

why,
i can tear all those letters
fry them with the sun
i can shed all these tears
and pretend it's all done.
i can drive myself home
without you showing the way
i can watch tv alone
and just sleep all day.
if i can cook for two
i can certainly cook for one
eat dinner with the cat
oh we'll have so much fun.
i can forget everything
i can erase if you want me to
i can show no feelings
i know you are doing it too.
i can put away all of it
i can pretend they're not true
i can do it all
but only if you tell me how to.

i want to forget it all now,
just tell me how,
just tell me how.

how i spend my time these days

current interest (or rather, obsession) : fashionable males.

1. purposeful, but subtle

2. deliberate but understated

3. messy in a neat way

4. maximum attitude underneath simple ensembles

and i am all set to drool.

regular visual reads would be: the sartorialist, the lookbook

to look out for: pascal grob (in my opinion).

top of the (my) list this week:

i cant even begin. here

he married style and..literature? double points! here

his main accessory: the 50's moustache. here

if i were a boy, i'd be wearing this. and most of his other ensembles.

nobody can ever get enough of white and cotton.

note: the tote, and the sandals. perfect. here

i am not literate in fashion. i dont speak its language. but i like to look at well-dressed people. well-dressed does not necessarily mean clean crisp clothes. to me it means giving thorough thought into what you are about to wear to finally end up looking like you just put on the first thing you saw when you woke up that morning. the more effortless it looks, the better.

fashion evolves, but style remains.

look at me baybee

can somebody say hot!


i like the whole look. the black peeptoe, leather tights and checked oversized bf shirt.

BUT, what really caught my liking and now made me drool and hate reality coz i know i wont ever get my hands on it, is the car plate.

it's embossed carved on metal. wowwee! the ride looks like a merce or could even be a volvo. but who cares i want the plate!!

photo taken from here.

grey

today right now this moment
more than half past midnight
where lonely souls wander
aimlessly in undefined air
i see golden streaks and
splashes of red blue black
and white.
black and white
equals grey, but you are not
neither am i but we
we are
definitely absolutely totally
grey.
wave the brush and
paint me magic and
stroke the wand and
pull an arrow out of the hat
but there is nothing to it
it is just talk and no walk
words evaporating in the
muddy air with sweet dreams
falling and melting on the
dirty ground with
footprints.
those of the past and present.
those of you, me.
those of -
those that are
overlapping crisscrossing
intertwined;
but no ends meet
none.

second best is fine, as long as you're not 'it'

mom borrowed my car, so basically i am nowhere out of the 500m radius for these few days. going to school spells car-pooling. not anyone can walk too far with the extremely hot and humid weather nowadays, plus the haze.

despite that, the weather now is pretty relaxing. the haze actually provide a barrier between the sun ray and us. which means, i dont have to squint my eyes and also the occasional wind gives a perfect situation for taking wedding photos. and.. it is Sunday. i have always loved sundays.

i wonder if the normal week begins with Tuesday and Monday is our Sunday, would it feel the same? i bet not. because Sunday is the sun's day, if y'know what i mean. though i pretty much like the sun less now coz it made me look a tone darker than normal, but who cares. and also coz it made all of us have higher risk of skin cancer. but thats ok, as long as Sunday gets to be the last day of the week.

and if we were to change Tuesday to be the first day of the week, would everyone still have the Monday Blues? or it would then be the Tuesday Blues? Haha. rubbish.

eye candy

outrageous! but i like :)

from fashion bits and bobs

always have a soft spot for loafers. i wish i can get a pair of the tassel ones soon. they are majorly sold for men, so pretty hard to find one that spells old and new at the same time showing femininity.

spot me if you can 2

from here

sugar in cider

drops of water

gels together
salt and pepper.

sprinkles sugar

to apple cider

life gets better.

where people are pleasantly strange..

..and counting the change.

"you dont know why"

everything you want.

what they really want

i dont even know where to begin.

i am only half way through, but it felt like an epic; practicum. i have so many things to share, so many problems to be solved, and yet i couldnt get around in putting it to words. this has been one of the best periods of my life. i have a feeling that i just cant get enough of it, i wouldnt even if you pay me to stop.

some may speculate that the fact that i like teaching so much is prolly because of other factors: the school, admin, students, facilities etc. yes, i dont deny all those contributing factors, although my school is definitely not one of the best (hell no). but what really hooked me to it (teaching) is the rapport, the special bond i have between the students and i, as the teacher.

let us be reminded that each and every class is different, let alone every child in the classroom. they have varying experiences and feel different emotions at the moment you are teaching. it is your duty to pick those (experience and emotions) up. every 10minutes of the lesson is also different. everything happens very quickly in the class. you have to be very spot on and work well under constant and rapid pressure. failing to do so can cause many backlash from students that may affect you and the children.

a classroom is an onion. intricate and complex. fragile when the layers are separated, but strong when in a unit. there are multiple layers of cultures and subcultures and socio-eco-demographical factors, to be peeled one after another by the teacher. the time you take varies. you can never set a list of the same steps and rules for each class. they are all different. so take your time..get to know your students. and, one thing i learned is to not to 'get to know' your students under technical and visibly purposeful terms. do it on purpose, but do it because you want to. because you really care and this will help you throughout the rest of your teaching days.

i have to admit, some students you can get close to them with a snap of the finger; but some are very reserved and secretive about their background. it is our job to find out what makes them who they are at that point of time in the classroom. informations like illiteracy, being victims of bully should not be revealed hastily and impulsively. these are the things that you should keep under the concept of trust that the students have for you and, especially, to not use it against them.

for example:

"Haa Ali (bukan nama sebenar)! Hish buat kerja la! Awak ni tak nak pandai ke? Nanti dah besar nak jadi apa? Mak ayah awak dah la orang susah!"

Thats a violation of two important things:

1. you are using the child's personal information against him/her and therefore breaching the trust he/she has towards you.

2. you are humiliating and demotivating the student and telling him to change something he cannot (the status of his parents).

in short, what we are actually doing is putting the blame that the parents are poor on the student.

at the end, it comes down to two things. students either want your attention, or they need it. you have to be able to tell. because those who need your attention (especially those who are less smart and have learning or personal problems) normally dont want your attention. so you have to give it without them asking.

for me, all these kids want and need is love and attention. they have an insatiable thirst for love. they like it if you listen with your eyes glued to them, although you dont understand a thing about the MMORPG they are talking about. but they appreciate. and when they notice and appreciate the time and attention you invest in them, they will do anything in the world for you, trust me.

kids are the most honest bunch of homo sapiens. if they dont like you, they will show it in their actions or they will just tell you straight. and if they do like you, they will let that be known too. so if they can be honest to you, you can be honest in your love to them too. and they will know if you are sincere or not. (they are very observant and sensitive!). they will do everything they can to make you notice them, especially in a big class. they will break into a fight, shout, or for the quiet ones, they will rebel and not do their homework for example. those are some of the negative ways. positively, they will ask to help carry your books, or always walk around in the staff room aimlessly..and etc.

you see, i can write a whole lot more, but i think i'll save it for later posts. hehe. im not so good at this myself; still learning as i go. but i guess you can say that i am eager and excited to learn and i wouldnt mind sharing what i learned with everyone.

as for now, if you feel like you dont love teaching enough, take some time and put yourself in the little shoes of the students. they dont want many things (like money, fame, great marriage etc), they only want small things that adults are too ignorant and stingy to provide them with. and those things are free. think about it.

till then, happy teaching! :)

(thats what my superviser, Mr.Kieran always say to me: Happy Teaching)

TGIW

Thank God It's the Weekends.

I have a whole sack of things to do, but i remembered that an individual can choose when given the freedom of choice. therefore, i choose to be a true Weekender by not doing anything (related to work)! and now i feel super awesome; with rain on a sunday morning. oh. bliss.

anyway, im checking out a japanese contemp dance at the central market. well, i dont want to waste my sunday i guess. at least im doing something i love!

gotta get get hommies!

not just some guy

okay, another featured guy in my blog. what can i do? i love boys! LOL.

taken from The Sartorialist

Oh, can somebody say yummy? fashion-wise and style aside, he is almost fiction. that far-away gaze of his, and the brawny collarbone and shoulders..oh mercy, my nose should bleed. look at that pierced elfin ears. what did i tell you about fiction? he can easily be somebody straight from Tolkien or that A. Lloyd, taking a break in between medieval chicks and chronicles of mythological wars.

and i feel safe (or unintimidated, rather) that he too, possess a set of eyebags. haha talk about insecurities. man, i got issues. anyways, yeah. those are symbolic of the time he spent for sleeping (which is less than normal, prolly). so he could be someone who has irregular working hours, or shifts, or just a 24/7/365 cycle of work. he must be in arts, one thinks. yes indeed, he is a dancer. oh how graceful he must be when his moves and grooves are coupled with some rhythm!

but he can work the style out. i mean, im fine with the whole laid-back-im-scraping-food-from-garbage look, but he could at least accessorize. but he's colour-coordinated, so thats again, points.

you know, you can put this guy anywhere, any time era, any timezone, on the mountains, the ocean, the forest, the sky..he would fit perfectly. this is what i call a universal facial feature. he should be a model or something by now. except that he's a commoner, HAHA, he likes doing common things. i wonder if he likes politics and NatGeo. i wonder if we make a..ehem..great pair. LOL. not in a mill!

p/s: i hope he's not gay..

do.suitcase.or

there was the door,
that pinched me
in the gut, everytime
sight is laid upon it.
why do you ask?
you dont even care.
they are invisible, the
footsteps

becoming more clear
with every of my own
footsteps

and then there
it is, the famous
suitcase. carried and
stuffed and thrown
with some of mine
and some of yours
-memories. if you
must ask me. listen
to that. the trod stomp
of feet. that is you. i
know, just cant get enough
just never enough. well
then, dont forget that
suitcase. and the door.

patronized

don't fix me
side by side
with the king

in control
over me
i am weak

great power
patronize
all of me

i shall not
be compared
to the king

wash your hands too!

yes, in conjunction with the swine flu. somebody proved to be efficient enough to make a parody out of the real song, Nobody. haha, ok, learn a thing or two from it alright!





dont forget to wash your hands!


source: YouTube, obviously.

a pair of those and..

.. brandon flowers
[crush/lust]

sight-seaing

able to see
but blindfolded
sight deep as sea
mind far wondered

jwcfree

I've been listening to Sungha Jung's covers and they are all awesome. plus considering the fact that he is only like 13yo or something! he's been playing the guitar since he was a kid and he just gets better by the days!

and in this video im featuring here is my most favourite (amongst many others - U2, mozart, Richard Marx, he does cover a whole lotta famous numbers!), Living On A Prayer of Bon Jovi's where he co-performs with Tomi Paldanius.





or if trouble occurs, try clicking here.


aren't they fantastic?! sometimes he plays better than the original. i hope he grows up and find his niche in songwriting and become one of world's best musician. i wonder if he ever want to try singing though :)


*jwcfree - his username on youtube. dont forget to subscribe :p

butoh

pictures are taken from here

i was stunned. it is not something simple to do. it needs a lot of concentration and strength (mental and physical). widely known as Butoh, or the dance of darkness in japanese. you can try to google it for more information on the history yada yada yada.

there will be a Butoh Jam at the Annexe this coming August 8th and you can bet i will be going! you can watch a video of the best butoh group ( in my opinion), Sankai Juku, on YouTube. click here. i was just hooked on it.

definitely:

ART IS LIFE IS ART

:)

tasteless words

im not very expressive lately. i cant believe how love can make one so subdued. like swimming underwater at the depth just before i can crack the surface. i prefer to tell it in circles.

how far have we gone? it's like countless numbered days. i sometimes missed the taste of the wind (notice how i always refer back to the wind? running out of perfect symbolism) from the southern hemisphere. thats a clue.

i noticed i've channeled almost all of my energy and passion towards only certain things that i have none left for other things that i really want to do. and i realize that life is too short to do the things that you dont like. but these are the things that i have to do. so there's the ultimatum.

im again, bound by fated crossroads. why are you always doing this to me. gee, pick someone else to bully.

killed

hair tied up
lips are sealed
blood in cup
saw it killed

it's a sphere
blew and burst
plain and clear
it's a curse

reached for it
turned the cards
fell and slipped
thats the start

i'm a miner for hearts of gold

"Love lost, such a cost
Give me things
that dont get lost,
Like a coin
that wont get tossed,
Rolling home to you.."

I like his songs from the 60's and 70's not so much of the latest ones. Dig the 60's (woohoo). Those are my favourite lines from his song Old Man. But my favourite song of his is Heart of Gold. Heavy duty on the Mouthharp; here, take a listen:




or if you can't play it (YT have been throwing tantrums these days), click here.


first heard of it in the car with my dad on the way to school when i was 11. another genius the world can't make do without.

spot me if you can

taken from here

topless with a ciggie and a typewriter

Photo by Gary Bridgman

"this room has a resonance".

oh i would die (metaphorically) to have this Underwood typewriter in my room. this is one of the many typewriters used by american novelist William Faulkner (the photo is his office/study); the last one he used before he died. thus, it is more famously called the Faulkner portable. the Underwood Universal Portable Typewriter is famous in the mid-1930's among its other compatriots: Champion, Noiseless Portable, and Junior.

I just have to have this. It would give so much mood and feeltouch to my project.

anyone knows how i can get my hands on one?

pelajar dan cikgu

pelajar A: teacher, teacher banyak baju-baju klasik eh..

cikgu: tu pujian ke apa?

pelajar A: entah lah..

cikgu: entah? ish.

pelajar A: *bershuffle*

this is the future generation. the generation that i have to mould into becoming leaders.


pelajar B: teacher berapa tahun teacher?

cikgu: rasanya?

pelajar B: tak taulah, tapi mesti anak dara.

cikgu: .....

pelajar B: yang penting teacher jangan dengar sangat cakap kitorang teacher. kena tetap pendirian.

cikgu: (eh dahla statement contradict, pastu siapa cikgu ni?)


the generation that is oriented towards their own needs and beliefs. although, given the fact that most children are like that.


pelajar C: teacher kita tak yah belajar nak harini?

cikgu: habis tu?

pelajar C: kita merempitttttt.

cikgu: ok. rempitlah sekarang.

pelajar C: terrrrrrrrbaekkkkkkkk!!!

cikgu: ha nak pegi mana tuh? merempit dalam kelas je.

pelajar C: ak enen..kecowh ar! cakap x serupa bikin ar. camne jadi cikgu ih? bodoh pan*ek sial!!
buat lawak ak dia.

a generation that creates a divide in the language and thus the lifestyle they adopt.

pelajar D: cikgu, besok saya ponteng auw. nak lepak sunway.

cikgu: (wtf? gila jujur) kamu nak tukar sekolah SMK Sunway Pyramid ke? lagi senang.

pelajar D: ek eh, emo lak dia. takde la kalo cikgu lain cari tolong bagitau diorang eh.

honest, comes clean and has no care in the world.

cikgu: everybody listen!

pelajar: liseng tu apa?

cikgu: dengar! (patutla selama ni aku suruh listen diorang xdengar-dengar)

pelajar: oh. lerh cakap melayu sudeyh..

cikgu: (ni waktu BI kott. ish) ...

*masih bising*

pelajar: WOIH babi kat belakang tu senyap ar bodoh! awek aku dah marah ni!! ok, hehe, sori cikgu diorang memang tak paham bahasa..


definitely without a doubt, i am going to miss their antics :)


cikgu: kamu minat band apa?

pelajar 1: kerispateh!

pelajar 2: lady gaga.

pelajar 3: weh harun betul la ko ni. tu bukan band bodo. tu solo la bangek.

pelajar 1: lah, mampus dia ar ko nk cari gado apsal?!

pelajar 3: ko xcaya ko tanya cikgu.

cikgu: ye, tu solo.

pelajar 3: ha kan betul. aku cakap xcaya babi betul. cikgu, saya pulak minat michael jackson.

pelajar 1: weh mangkok sial ko ni. tu pun solo ar!

pelajar 3: eh bukan band ke? sorang putih sorang hitam kan?

pelajar 4: bapak ar ko ni hidup zaman bila. ko menyewa kat dalam keranda ke apa xbaca suratkhabar!

pelajar 3: aku menyewa kat lobang hidong bapak ko!! banyak songeh lak. mampos ar babiiiiii!! nah keranda ko! *menolak pelajar 4 jatuh dari kerusi*

cikgu: (semuanya berlalu dengan begitu pantas)

pending the pendulum

the leaves run
chasing the wind

but i wait
zephyr pushing me

the signs stop
rain begin falling

i searched shelter
we found us

ticks become louder
never does before

the clashing breeze
made us disappear

and time runs
chasing the memories

but i wait
stones hitting me

will it stop
all of it

i still wait
waiting to begin

sunshine highway

i just can't get enough of this. the wimp sound of the accordion and bagpipe in the background is just so superb! only until towards the end did the sound become prominent. hey, who said you have to have only one person on vocals? this is such a roadtrip song!

voices

"how much is enough
if enough is enough for you
i promise i'll start to stop
sounding like the voices that
haunt you.."


performed and written by tharishni arumugam at an environmental awareness gig, That Green Thing.


p/s: that is only part of the lyrics. my favourite part :)

the word distant

yellow
grass my back is on
tickling
skin my feet is against
gentle
wind my cheeks brush
sweet
sun my tongue sips

close
lids my eyes shut
hollow
heart my soul yearns
one
bird flies away
distant
hills from the shore

till death do we bore

ah, that feeling came around again. that tinge of uncertainty, just at the brim between what is within and/or against.










yes, i do waste my time thinking about nothingness, worrying about things beyond my powers and crave for questions and wisdoms and explanations ever so endlessly. always searching for that little gap that everyone misses. that's my job; and i love it ;)

through hardships, gems are found

you do learn a lot of things from your students. as much as they learn from you, if not more. i realized they are not to be underestimated. their interests can be unworldly, but they sure are very passionate about the things they like or do not like. they can give you a gazillion reasons if you ask them to justify that.

i grow to respect them as individuals, despite their shortcomings; and more importantly, i realized this early. therefore i still have time to be the best i can to them :)

as one of my students wrote in his journal today:

Per Aspera Ad Astra

(through hardship, to reach the stars)

it has been such a long time since i saw this phrase. the first time i got across it was when i read about Apollo 13, second time was when i heard a song by that title (sang by Haggard) and the third time, in a 16 year old's journal, five years later. though i read about it when i was about his age (17), trust me, i am still impressed.

very impressed.

just enjoy the show

when the going gets tough
when the sun seems to hide
when the stars dont shine
when the zits multiply
when the thinking isnt straight
when the ride is wild,

you...CHILL.

life further unfolds

new discoveries made. when it almost feels like the end. this is the Crystal Frog. You can see its organs. scientifically known as Hyalinobatrachium.

put me in and let me out

put me in a box
i dont ever want
to see
to feel
to be

put me in a circle
just me and me
and nothing
and think
and sink

put me on a string
one that is ever
so stable
so able
so probable

and then let me out
up out away
but where
just there
- anywhere

i am walking away because i can

all there's left to do is see where it takes me.

she bangs

these are some of the tutorial videos by Hahn that i think is pretty cool and informational. this would benefit much to those who lack styling knowledge, like me, and feels that the set of hair called the bangs doesn't need styling and is a waste of time.

post-watching videos: cant believe how easy and quick it is!










she also does make-up. and i think this video in particular is just so funny, cause she made up the name of the look on the spot. haha. this girl is natural you can bet!



check her on youtube: ahahnbarbie34 for more simple/accessible tutorials.

p/s: my fringe is flat and just a mere patch on the forehead, combed sideways. need volume!

i would date these guys

especially the one playing the taylor swift/coldplay song on the piano. if only he also plays the cello. send him to my doorstep please.



i specifically love the fact that he has his daughter in mind whilst arranging this. and also the part in the slight second during the transition from Love Story to Viva La Vida. and also the way he plays it.

and this guy is not bad either. he could pass as a cool roommate. he can play the guitar and we can sing together all night looong.

check his video out here.

sometimes, dreams remain as dreams; nothing more.

tall order

i envy those who have the privilege of height. if i could, i would prefer to be tall; just a little taller than everybody else.

what is it about being tall that made me scowl in frustration of this average height i have? just one thing: the point of view.

being taller than the rest of the crowd provide you a different view of everything. sort of an added extra. you see things higher and further than anyone else. the radius stretches.

i guess you can say that i am pretty bored with the view i have to date. it is so normal. i see the things that pretty much everyone sees. maybe that is why i am not acrophobia. i am not afraid of heights. i crave for it. i want to climb mountains, i did skydiving and paragliding, and i have yet to experience the sensation of submitting to gravity from a certain altitude, and i want to break the 'height' of the depth of the ocean.

if i have the means/height, i would.


p/s: also if i have the height, i can pull off a lot of styles! sheesh.. LOL

6th - 12th of June 2009

i am currently undergoing my practicum - the school orientation program for a week. next week im going to be in classes; teaching. i have no idea if i have what it takes to be a teacher. more pressure when the GPK KoKu briefed us just now, asking us a bunch of questions on application of the theories we actually learned - the things we would do in class, and also a whole lotta other things about the height of Batu Caves, how to cook rice on wet logs, and the Holland personality tests. i got nil right for all the questions. it got to me that general knowledge is too very important to be a teacher. geez, and i thought i had read a lot. clearly not enough. never enough.

i have got three hectic days to prep myself mentally and physically (also emotionally) for whats worst to come. i am friggin scared to the bones, anxious, but i am also very enthusiastic, excited and on my toes to get started with this career. its a beginning!

everyone seasoned in this field would suggest us to have one thing in common: sincerity.

u gotta be ikhlas to be an educator, a great one. and things will fall in to place.

i am wishing the best for myself now :)

"if i dont try then i dont hope"

days of haze

i walk around in blurred vision nowadays. no thanks to the haze caused by the sumatran open burning. maybe i need a bigger and thicker pair of glasses. geez.





Video by Silent Prayer. An artistic sarcastic form of expression to those concerned.

love at first sight

I used to like this song; i still like it (amidst all the angst-driven numbers i listen to in school, we all do). haha. heard it again after such a long time on mix.fm today. miss those carefree days when love is all that matters. some things never change, dont you think? :)

faith and belief

Demi matahari, dan cahayanya di pagi hari,

Demi bulan bila ia mengiringi,

Demi siang bila ia menampakkannya.

Demi malam bila ia menutupinya.

Demi langit serta pembinaannya.

Demi bumi serta penghamparannya.

Demi sukma dan penyempurnaannya,

maka Allah Mengilhamkan kepada jiwa itu jalan kefasikan dan ketakwaannya,

sesungguhnya beruntunglah orang yang menyucikan jiwa itu,

dan sesungguhnya merugilah orang yang mengotorinya.

- QS Asy Syams (Matahari) 91:1-15

Let me ask you a personal question. How many times do you pray each day? How many times, each day do you really, really pray? How many times do you pray with all your heart, at the most sincerest, and sense of submission in a day? How many times?

I will use myself as the subject of victimisation. I honestly only pray occasionally. In times when life is too hard too handle, when only I have time, when somebody invited me to pray together, when my mom or dad asked whether or not i have prayed, then i will pray. I lack discipline, responsibility and gratitude. I was not aware of the fact that I too often ignore or put Him on the sidetrack, and not as the main purpose of my life. I always forget the little detail that He is always, always, all the time, every single nanosecond with me and taking care of me and being not just by my side, but within me. He essentializes me. I forgot. Being human, that's what we all are - forgetful.

I have gone through many 'realization' phases concurrently. I recently came about a thorough expose of the ESQ program in the April 2009 edition of 'Majalah I' whereby Dr. Ary Ginanjar was interviewed and the ESQ program was reviewed. I know a lot of people who would die to participate in the program, and i was truly lucky to be able to join although for the short course (cheaper!). The articles in the magazine of Dr. Ary Ginanjar definitely moved me to reread the books that i got from the program and those that my dad bought: The Islamic Guide to Developing ESQ: Emotional Spiritual Quotient, Rahasia Sukses Membangun Kecerdasan Emosi dan Spiritual and other related books. Quoting from Allah's Manual (the Holy Quran), the books definitely affected me in a whole new level.

I felt very far. It's unexplainable, but i feel very far, from wherever I am supposed to be. I know I am not going to be donning the hijab any time soon, but who knows, with his Hidayah, i might. they say never say never. but what is clear, i will try my best to right all the wrongs and try to be the better version of me everytime i have the choice.

A second 'realization' incident. my dad recently brought home the script for a soon-to-be released drama series for this Ramadhan, titled Fitrah (but may be changed to Cinta Sempurna). So i read the script to give a review to my dad about the series. and i have to say, it is one moving tale! definitely one to watch out for in Ramadhan (August)! It is based on a true story of a brother and a sister who is 'far' from the truth of Islam and trying to find their way back through a young Ustaz who uses not Sunnahs and Hadiths, but Facebook, blogs and YouTube to explain the meaning of human life in the eyes of Allah. Very, very interesting, huh? And so from there, i learned a lot myself, and imagined myself in the shoes of the siblings. the line-up of casts is interesting too: Ashraf Muslim, Tungku Tiara, Fizow, Siti Fazurina, Ellie Suriaty, Akhil Hayy, Akbar Azmi, Maria Farida, Jalil Hamid and etc. The most interesting part of the story is of course, there will be love. But will the love between humans defy the love of the Almighty? We'll have to wait and see! (note: even the scriptwriter hasleft the ending hanging as it is based on true story, so they still dont know whats about to happen). It will be aired on Astro Oasis channel 106.

I have yet to read a book called 'Mother of the Believers: A novel of the birth of Islam' by Kamran Pasha which i will have to borrow from a friend, Baiti, as it is not released yet in Malaysia. We saw it at the Singapore Kinokuniya and i had to save some money, so I couldnt buy it. but not to fret, I will get my hands on those! :) I have to say, the book caught my eye from the very first page. The first sentence of the prologue is this:

What is faith?

How cool. the words Kamran Pasha uses definitely pulled the strings of my heart, comparing memories to the wind and etc. of course, he is a well-known cowriter for NBC's Bionic Woman amongst many others. You can check him out at his website.

So again, i would say that this past few weeks have been very very testing and i am glad that i have great support from all these books and resources to keep me strong ang going. But one that is constantly there to help is definitely Him :) I wish that the days to come will be better for me and for you.

Take care everyone.

we're not on the same page

today feels like a just-broke-up day. everything went either wrong, or monotonous. the last straw was the incident tonight. this mouth, didnt do what it's supposed to do - speak up! really, im not very good at talking about this kind of feeling; i rarely talk about it. or if i do, i do it in circles.

some things are better felt, than said.

this swept me off my feet

if a person asks me what the perfect moment for me to find my significant other would be, i can explain in detail. i can get down to even naming the perfect tone of the colour of the dress i would be wearing. i can name the year/era/age that the incident would take place. but hell, we all know things like that dont come true in the real world. you agree?

but recently, i found the 'perfect moment' in the form of a film. Becoming Jane (starring Anne Hathaway). there is this slight second in the film that really caught my attention. i was too happy beyond explanation.

then i was in a cyber cafe in singapore, doing some work on the internet. youtube in the background. i was listening to one of my all-time fave bands, Iron and Wine, and came this song, My Lady's House, which is dear to my heart. normally i would listen to it on iTunes and just daze off to space. but this time, someone (an angel for sure. lol) has made a video for this song. so i checked it out. i was gobsmacked, ecstatic and all the emotions along that line; the person used scenes from Becoming Jane for this video of My Lady's House!! how convenient! so i can watch my fave scene with my fave music!!

the scene of the 'perfect moment' is also included. hehe. here's the video:




ok check out the dancing scene, (1:16 - 1:60 min). that's the best part of it all. and the 'moment', is from 1:53 to 1:58. OMG. perfect.

that was how (young) people in the old age get to know each other and search for their long-life partners. i definitely want to be in that time. notice how hathaway's face was first very grim and sad in the beginning of the dance? as if she couldnt find anyone that she likes. and then, BOOM!, the 1:56 minute, the right guy danced along, giving a knowing smile. and the dance fits perfectly with the music (or the other way around). i think i might die just watching it over and over again. haha.

oh lord, save me from over-romanticizing a simple video, and aggravating over the fact that this would never happen to me. can dreams ever come true? :)

kudos to Jake Slavik!

Slumdog star returns to the slums

I watched this and questioned the future of the human kind; not the pre-determined, but more of the choices made by us for our own sake.




watch this video and read the comments on youtube. this is the link to it. how do you feel reading the selfish American bastards saying that this homeless boy (amongst thousands others with the same fate) is just begging to America and using his fame from Slumdog Millionaire for his benefits? he's just a kid with no powers in his hands. and the States cant even save their own economic ass for crying out loud! so stop being so ignorant and selfish as i think this is a lesson for you to learn and take more notice to others for once. here's a piece of my mind:

"the end is near, and yet we are growing further"

Temasek

Currently in Singapore; hostile humid austere Singapore. yet, trying to find what is so special about this place. been here a couple of times; came here again with some friends. more developments for sure. but the people, nothing's changed at all.

i am here in physical. my mind, my heart is somewhere else. i wish i was there. or the other way around.

Malaysian's kind of jokes. "Haha"

jokes of the century: (for malaysians, at least)

1. DUN Perak - macroscopically

wth? omg, i was too embarassed to even talk about it. i saw the video from Malaysiakini (thanks to Shukri!) last week and at the end of it i just had to laugh. i mean, how worse can it get? gila catfight. i get that v. sivakumar is probably in denial that he had just been (finally) dropped off his position, and as most veterans would react due to biologically old age (i.e. a.samad said. explained later), he refuse to 'move from his seat'. as if that would make any difference. then later on the opposition bench was outraged of this i think and they soon all indulged in a "Kabammm!!" session. these are the people whom we call leaders, that supposedly represents us. leaders who should abid to the judiciary system and laws..how do you expect the citizens to act mature when you are not being good examples yourself?? very, very childish for a nation that claims to practice a mature democracy. what a shame. very very skanky.

2. It invloves the King

dalam mata pelajaran sejarah yang kita belajar dulu, siapa orang paling tinggi dalam negara ni? (bukan gabenor. ni pasca-kolonisasi lahh) RAJA. ni apa hal sampai tak hormat Raja ni? Pemangku Raja Perak (Raja Dr. Nazrin Shah) terpaksa tunggu selama 5jam sebelum dia boleh masuk. apa ni?!? saya tahu ramai orang cina, india dan melayu liberal di luar sana (ni lah fungsi aku speaking malay ni. lol. kiddin) yang asyik mengatakan bahawa kita patut bubar institusi ke'raja'an, raja semua tak ada fungsi. ada PM seorang cukup lah. tp aku still percaya yang raja tu ada fungsi. salah satunya? ha, patutnya kes-kes macam ni lah dia kena jatuhkan titah. arahkan je si v.sivakumar tu pergi. kalau dia tak nak ganjak juga dari kerusi, suruh security angkat dia dengan kerusi sekali letak kat luar. ni satu penghinaan kepada raja dan rakyat yang menghormatinya!

3. the Opposition

para pembangkang pula, dah jadikan 'emotional outrage' ni macam trademark mereka pula. sesuka hati nak jerit pekik, gaduh-gaduh, tunjuk perasaan, hantar MEMO (bukan petition atau surat. kurang ajar kan namanya tu) dan sebagainya within the lines of laws and bureucracy. kenapa perlu sampai macam ni? nak sangat berkuasa, kita bagi dia tengok sikit. tak payah tengok jauh-jauh, ni dekat selangor/shah alam ni dah cukup. nampak tak billboard yang selalu ada kat roundabout tuh? apa dia tulis? "Kembalikan Hak Air Kepada Rakyat" kan? ha, mana janji -janji yang tak terlaksana lagi tuh? daripada dok gaduh sana sini, apa kata fokus keje-keje anda yg tak siap lagi ni. ni yang buat aku membebel ni. naik angin.

4. PPSMI

sekarang ni, i want to know why these people despise so much the idea of teaching S&M in english. yea, i read the six arguments here the other day (and some hidden for wth purposes) but whats the worst that can happen? yes, some UK institution did a research that BM bole berkembang sebagai one of the top 4 languages used in the world. do u think i give a shit? last time they say the year 2010 will have flying cars and mobile houses on clouds. look now, we're in the 2009 and the only thing thats flying is your zipper. give your fantasies a break. speaking as a malay, i want my race to be one of the top 10% breeds in the world. and other races in our country has the privilege of being fluent in at least 2 languages, do you still want our people to be left behind? when else do we start if not now?! of course, we cant see the implications right away, it may take years to show any signs of negativity or positive impacts; so why jump? i love what muhyiddin is doing. he said that the people opposing this are arguing based on emotions and sentimentals, but what we should really do now is study the affects that may take place in an objective manner. hence, the extension of the time for research of PPSMI. we dont want things to 'flip flop' as muhyiddin put it. dah banyak sangat dah yang flip dan kemudian flop semenjak dua menjak ni. this time around, we have to make a decision, and make it work. no more having to always go back to square one.


ok bye, jari jemari dah kena osteoporosis. will continue later

My friend makes the headline

Kanak-kanak maut kereta jatuh gaung

KUANTAN 11 Mei - Seorang kanak-kanak maut manakala kakaknya koma selepas kenderaan yang dinaiki bersama keluarga mereka terbabas lalu terjunam ke dalam gaung di Kilometer 40, Jalan Kuantan-Segamat dekat sini semalam.

Dalam kejadian kira-kira pukul 3.30 petang itu, mangsa, Mohd. Suria Hidayat Mohd. Nasir, 7, dari Sungai Isap Damai di sini meninggal dunia di tempat kejadian akibat kecederaan parah di kepala manakala kakaknya, Maimunah, 9, koma dan dirawat di Hospital Tengku Ampuan Afzan (HTAA) di sini.

Ketika kejadian, kedua-dua mangsa bersama dua ahli keluarga mereka dalam perjalanan dari arah Muadzam Shah ke Kuantan dengan menaiki sebuah kereta yang dipandu abang mangsa, Zulhelmi, 22.

Ketua Polis Daerah Pekan, Supritendan Yahaya Othman berkata, semasa kejadian, abang mangsa yang memandu kereta dipercayai gagal mengawal kenderaannya sebelum terbabas ke sebelah kiri jalan.

"Kereta itu kemudian melanggar sebatang tiang papan tanda amaran di bahu jalan menyebabkan ia berpusing beberapa kali sebelum terjunam ke dalam gaung," katanya ketika dihubungi di sini hari ini.

Berikutan kejadian itu, Yahaya memberitahu, Zulhelmi patah kaki kanan dan ibu mangsa, Norazizon Saiman, 45, yang duduk di bahagian penumpang depan cedera parah pada bahagian kepala.

Menurutnya, Mohd. Suria Hidayat dan Maimunah duduk di bahagian belakang kereta itu.

Sementara itu, beliau berkata, kesemua yang cedera dikejarkan ke HTAA untuk menerima rawatan dan dilaporkan stabil.

p/s: Zulhelmi is my friend. Let's put our palms together and recite the al-fatihah to his family members who perished, and those who are injured and still waiting to be healed. He is the one in white shirt (obviously.huhu)

news article taken from here. picture taken from here.

no easy feat

nobody said it was easy. well easy to say, but not when you have to do it.

letting go is even harder than having to hold on to something.

oh, can we not let go, but still move on?

red roses

i received a bouquet on the doorstep,
the other day.

along with a card.

it was sent to the wrong house,
but then returned to me.

such a bold move,
i thought.
red roses, and 25 of them.

a very bold move,
for something that is not his..


p/s: thank you for the flowers. they are beautiful.

the problem with this world is that women worry too much about their age,

and men don't act their age.

haha.

sometimes i seriously believe that men and women ARE from different planets.

why, oh why?

*laughs*

to impress

we go a long way to impress people. i've witnessed a lot people doing the things that are against their values and principles just to impress.

most people try to make their marks in this world, not excluding me. we find ways on how we can be noticed and appreciated and be deemed as those who have 'helped' the world in one way or the other. but this is not the same with having to impress. these people are often called the 'wannabes'. nobody should blame them/us for being so.

the need to impress others, comes naturally to human beings. we love to be appreciated and praised. but i think, it is only necessary and fitting if we deserve it.

a painting of black and red

oh God, everytime i look at that painting of his, my knees go weak. all i am able to do is ask myself why. the painting of pain lives up to its name, and striked right through my beating heart. i cant stop questioning myself, as if searching for a justification. i know it's partly my fault, but dont people get second chances. too quick to judge.

and the trail ends there. i didnt bring it back with me. i want to, but i just cant and wont. i dont want it to haunt me. but that painting, i underestimated. it gives me goosebumps and wells up my tearduct.

it is more difficult than i thought.



p/s: ok maybe i miss him just a tad. ugh.

two things

two significant things happened in the duration of last night, specifically while i was doing my research proposal due today (yes, it was last minute, hehe):

One. my laptop crashed while i was typing away. the screen just went blank, but the blue light was blinking. kira punya kira, i have only left it off for about 10hours (?) in the course of five days! no wonder it's throwing a tantrum at me. i have not been looking after it well. maybe it needs a much deserved rest. (eh tapi jangan mati terus selama-lamanya! journal tak siap lagi due nex week nih!). so i had to borrow my housemate's laptop. may God bless her, my dear life-saver :)

Two. I found this great quote in A Comprehensive Guide to Writing a Research Proposal textbook (of all the places, haha).

" Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away."

Words spoken by Antoine de Saint Exupery. Yep, one helluva name! "Exupery". very cool. like you go to a party and people ask you "Hey beautiful, what's your name?" and you smile and answer sexily "Oh, I'm Exupery. Call me Exu", in that deep french accent that you fake. woohoo. haha. i bet she's long dead. nobody i know has that name anymore. (as if i have any french pen-pals or CouchSurf buddies). haha anyway my point was, the quote is very meaningful.

on another note, life's far from great, but im close to happiness :D (at least i try to think so)

i hope everything (better be!) will go well. it has to.

the truth hurts, but it is the remedy in the long run.

see you guys soon.

chasing Time

what is "busy" in today's world? there is no surprise nor is it gobsmacking if you hear someone is busy. everyone seems to be very busy these days. "oh, i have a lot to do", "im soooooo busy!", "i cant do this now, im busy".

nobody knows what anyone busy is really doing. they are just...busy. you can try throwing in a reason that it's just a matter of time management, but really, it doesnt change the fact that they will still be busy. it's not that they have less to do, it's just that they managed the things they have to do.

sometimes i wondered if the root word for business is busy. it could be. that's probably why people with business to do are always busy. haha. like you become too caught up in the 'business' (busyness) of life that you forget trivial things.

you forget how the sky looks like at night, you forget the taste of rain, you forget the people around you; and you put everything else on hold, while you go chasing time .

i am always busy too. sometimes to the point where i dont even know the hell im doing. which saddens me, because i always believe that i need to do my best in everything i do. right now, it just seems as if im doing things for the sake of doing, like the malay saying: "melepaskan batuk di tangga". because im chasing time, i need everything to be done at instant.

but you know what i realize? i will always be left behind no matter how quickly i chase it. thats just it. you always think that time is not enough, and therefore it will be your loss to think such.


p/s: i have one week to get 10 things done before i can finally be a free man. have no idea if i can pull off this feat. we'll see!

Intention and Implementation

These two things are different. they complement each other in a process, but differ in their own rights.

Intention. This is the root. this is where a jurisdiction takes place, i always believe. what you intent to do is very much different from what you really do. plan and action. two units that works together. intention always justifies for everything.

Implementation. This is one thing that confuses people. implementation always acts as a traitor to your intentions. most of the times, you dont really do what you intent to do. you have a major plan laid out upon you, but you didnt follow through. many factors affect the implementation of your intention. society, personal values, impulsiveness, ego, rationale, and other factors. sometimes you betray your own intentions. only because you refuse to show it i.e you want to appear as if you have other purposes. this act is commonly called deceit. but in my opinion, that is not necessarily the case.

personally, i can tell a person's intention. i know when a person meant well, but couldnt express it in actions that are straight-forward. a good example is how different people show their loved ones they care. some will give caring text messages like "How r u 2day?" or some goes through the hustle of asking someone else rather than the person him or herself. some may just give a meaningful look from afar...the way you implement you intentions vary. one plan can be put into action in countless ways.

however, it is dangerous if others fail to see your intention because of the way you express it. this is where miscommunications take place, and drama happens. also, on your part, you may also take a persons actions as something else, although that person meant something else. make sure you try to understand the roots before making any judgements or decisions.

most of the times, i have problems with this: people who didnt apply their intentions well, but i understood what they actually want to do and they dont get that i actually do understand them. in other words, i can read deception and dishonesty, but people who practice them dont usually think i can decode their intentions.

that's why i always believe in second chances; some people cant do it right the first time, therefore, they might work on it, and actually implement their intentions the second time around :)

role-play

the other day, i had nothing better to do; or rather refuse to do. and i did role-play on solo and imagined myself being a 60 year-old grandma. it was not the best time i had. it felt depressing and got heaps of negative sensations that i am unable to describe by words. highlights:

first of, i felt envious. of the young people - whose innocence shone in their faces. they have one privilege i ever wanted more and more - time. it is a luxury they possess that i know they might and could waste at their dispense. they take risks - they know time is on their side. they rebel, and people dont blame them, they blame their hormones.

secondly, i also envy the 'surprise' element that they hold on to, as they know not of what the future may bring them. they are as excited as they are scared. very thrilling.

then i sympathize. i pity them. for the things they are unable to foresee, for the problems they are unable to control, for the lessons they have to learn. there is no such thing as the easy way - condom for the heart, helmet for the mind, bullet-proof suit for the soul.

then i realize i am one of them. so i snapped out of the granny role, and came back to reality. suddenly i felt relieved. thank god i still have ample opportunities to do what i want. i know it's still not too late.

but at the same time, i also feel like shit. the things i want, i dont always get it. close to never. i do get things i need, but not so much of those that i want. (i know everybody faces the same thing) i seriously do feel like shit when i know that things are a-changing. shit, in this sense, is in the same category of melancholic. guess one can only move on. get on the wagon and ride along.

the rite of passage

the rain is currently falling like it has been doing for the past few weeks. eyebags are agrown and lethargic abound.

what do we write about in our blogs? we complain, we whine.

some write great things that happened in their lives. our blogs bear witness to the things we want the world to know (unless your blog is private).

i see great progress in myself throughout these past five years through my blog archive alone. my first entry was about me being a freshman in college (2005). how lame. but how true. it reflects me at that time. when i read back all the ancient posts i wrote, all the memories rushed in to mind like black and white film flashed on projector. those were amazing years. amazing things have happened. sometimes i regret the things i did, or the clothes i wear. i.e cargo pants and polo tee?! wtf. but yeah, when i give it a second thought, it wasnt so bad after all. in fact, i regret ever feeling regret. haha.

now in the speed of light, i have almost come to the peak of my study: practicum. after that, i will do my last semester and than thats it. it will be over. so in simple calculation, this semester will be the last semester for me and my friends (those in different batches and the same) to hang around the faculty together. tesl square. shitt i am going to miss that spot.

friends from senior years are soon going away, moving on with the next phase of their lives: masters or work. friends from the link program are going too, continuing their practicum at their respective training colleges (KB and Gaya), friends from junior years, well, when i get back from prac, they'll be going for it and it'll be very hard to meet up.

geez. how time really flies! it used to be just a figure of speech. but now it is really happening. doing practicum, finishing studies, graduating, continuing with studies, finding Mr.Right-For-Me, watching friends getting married, getting married myself, having children, and etc etc etc.

the rite of passage. thats what we all do. we move on, all the time. im looking forward to see what the future has in store for me. but in the meantime, i just cant wait to spend my time with those i have and love with all my heart, while i still can :)