never perfect

On a generally fine day. And not just any day - it's the Hari Raya.

Mom walked in and gasped quite loudly "What is that on your forehead?!" and pointed her index to me.

I replied "It's a..uh.." as I scanned my forehead with my fingers ".. a zit"

"On Hari Raya?! Everybody wants to look their best on Hari Raya..but not you. You always have to go spoil something for yourself!"

Uhh okay, it's not like I can stop it from erupting. I was just too lazy to give a comment so I turned to leave.

Until..

"..nak pergi mana tuh?! come here, put some concealer, and dab some powder. This thing (the aforementioned zit) you must press when dia dah masak, and don't use your hands it will become a scar!!" mom said while dabbing some powder on my face.

Somehow, I felt 6 again. Mom used to put powder on my face before I go to school everyday during my kindie years.

And the worst thing happened, on that generally fine day, that is the Hari Raya.

"..you must buy a concealer when we get back to KL. It saves you in this situa..hey. Are you crying?" mom asked me, quizzically.

In fact, I was. But..

"Uh..no. Kenapa pula nak menangis?"

Mom looked at me with the I'm-not-buying-this-bs-you're-selling-me-face and yes, I cracked. It was so easy I could've been a good tali barut for the Japs for when they come to Malaya and posed that shitland occupation.

"Erm.. teringat masa kecik-kecik when you used to comb my long hair *choke tears* and put powder on my face before I go to tadika.."

Emo as hell. So blardy stewpidd, and yes, say that again.

Mom broke into a smile; a mix of happy and nostalgic.

"Yes..Ibu ingat. You had very very long hair and it curled at the end. You were such a good girl. But now so stubborn, keras kepala! Always want to rebel, entah kenapa.."

"Sorry, I'm not perfect. Tak suka dunia sekarang, benci, banyak orang jahat. They made me become like this. Ha ha"

"Of course! Mana ada orang perfect. You too, are never perfect, never. But we (my parents) love you still..always always always..ok?"

Well, ok I guess, as long as you don't make me wear any of those big flower printed clothes anymore, or flashy shoes, especially for special occasions.

So yes, moral of the story, and in reference to my previous post, I am being sappy. I am sappy and I don't necessarily like it. But I am embracing it. And it is only a phase. I will not always be sappy (only under certain circumstances when it's cool and normal to be sappy) and I shall return to my more cooler and put-togethered self very soon.

Sappy is just a phase.
Don't do this at home (in the presence of your mom)

"Mothers are all slightly insane"

- J. D. Salinger, Catcher in the Rye

it is jingling in the jang

There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart. 

- Melanie Griffith

Lately I've been feeling quite sappy. Ah it's the mood, the silver crescent with a sparkling star on top, the almost invisible wind, the everything. Hari Raya, weddings, meeting family and friends and really spending time catching up with their lives - noticing again those familiar smiles and different rings of their laughters, watching emotionally destructive chick flicks (?) and really knocking myself out with the surrealisms of ideal love stories, listening to men crying out to their bellas in love songs and all that jaggedy jazz. 

Oh what have I done to myself.

Sappy, I like sappy. It's good for my health. I'd rather be sappy than be depressed. 

I like looking at wedding photos. I will always be one to pester newly married cousins for their albums and extra ornaments from their weddings (what the fudge? I'm sick)

I really really like looking at people putting on make up - doing the things they do with the eyelashes and lips and putting colors on their faces, I like to see people do their hair (although I had a rather weird experience with the hair of my Barbie dolls. yes I own some, even limited edition ones. but they're all dead and ruined now in Doll underworld)

I especially love weddings; I even love the intricate, tiring and taxing parts of it. I will help out with just about anything it's insane. I will sit quietly (and quite creepily to some people) in a corner and admire the bride or groom from afar. I will shed some tears during the solemnization ceremony and pretend that something got into my eyes so that nobody would know. 


I will imagine how the parents would feel letting their daughters go. I will go help give out bunga telur, I would become an impromptu DJ (I had to do it once for a cousin, and took the kompang music from youtube as she didn't rent any kompang groups. genius), I would go have a feisty discussion with the caterer about some lauk pauk to get extra food top-up, and yes, the list goes on.

You can bet I would need a really good water-proof mascara on my wedding day coz I will cry a river and be all emotional, and I will switch to being ecstatic like a laughing madman that I need a straight-jacket. 

Why was I talking about weddings again? Shite.

you are mr.nobody to every one else, so why bother?

There are times when you sit on your own - at an alfresco coffee house, or at a bus station just waiting to get home, or just some place where you can remove yourself from the hustle and bustle of the crowd and the white noise of chatters and sounds, feeling a little bit too adult - just wishing that you could live in a place where you will not be bound by the expectant society, consumerism, freemason (hah!) and pre-determined roles of life.

You did not ask to be born, and yet you have no choice but to live. Thus, when I come to think of it, how much of a personal right do I have as a person really? I should get more than I am getting now, definitely. It is unfair how everything seems to 'shape' me into living the life I am living today.

To what extend am I able to make a decision without having to take into consideration the million aspects like family, other people, religion (sorry, just for argument's sake), expectations and all that gunk?

I wonder, what kind of a person I would be if I were not bound by all these margins and molds.. would I be better than I am today, or worse?

I remembered a film I watched which was a huge Life lesson ever - Mr. Nobody (starring Jared Leto) which truly entails the theme of Life and Choices, which always got me thinking that each and every second of my breathing being is a decision point. Life is a series, or a dotted-line, of decision-making moments. And the big whopping question here: Who makes the decisions? Who connects the dots?

Me.

I chose to write this post. I chose to type these words and letters. I chose to switch on my night lamp. I chose to not close my room door. I chose to wear this pajamas. I chose to sit like this and not like that. I chose to not be upstairs watching telly with my brother. I chose to go to Uni. I chose to befriend them and not the others. I chose to like and hate. I chose to buy. I chose to wear. I chose to fall in love. I chose to be hurt. I chose to take action. I chose to say something. I chose not to say anything. And sometimes, I chose not to choose.

I was the one who made the decisions every time I have to make one in my life. Every second, I approved of my own actions, and I made a conscious or non-conscious gesture of 'choosing' something, anything. Either ways, even if I ended up not doing anything, or saying anything, I still did choose.

Which brings us to my ultimate point, about why life is unfair and the fact that I have so little say about how I live my life. Of course, at every point, there will be people and factors influencing our choices. Like this Hari Raya, I didn't like the kain for my kebaya, but my mom insisted that it was jaw-dropping and I looked lovely wearing it. I wouldn't in a million years have bought it if I was shopping on my own. But words from my mom made me buy it.


You see, it seems as if I was pushed into buying the kain, and I was pushed into wearing something unlike myself, but truth is, it was my choice. I made that decision of submitting to my mother, and choosing to fight back only a little as opposed to strictly disagreeing and sticking to my own fashion sense. I chose to try it on and make her persuade me more, even though I knew I didn't like it the first time I laid eyes on it.

So yes, moral of the story is that it would really be unfair to yourself if you do not realize from now that whatever events that took place in your life were all hand-picked by you and no one else.

If you feel like going for a bungee-jump but your best friend made you feel awful by saying that you might die hanging upside down, which was actually coz he/she was scared to do it him/herself, stop a second and slap yourself in the face. Try to remind yourself again, that if you don't do that jump, you may regret it and worst, you can't blame your bestfriend for telling you otherwise, but you have yourself to be blamed. You made that decision to listen to him/her. In simple equation, you chose not to do the jump, and if you regret it, you can only blame yourself.

Even if you did die hanging while doing the bungee jump, you still can't blame your bestfriend, because you chose not to listen to him/her when he/she asked you not to do it. haha!

Therefore, now that you know whatever you do, you only have yourself to blame and answer to, don't you feel rather good actually? I do feel good when I think about things that way, it made everything much clearer. In fact, it has made me more fearless as I feel that I can't really screw up if I am the only person that I am responsible to.

So next time you're in a rut, trying to figure out how to win a battle of your desires versus others', look at it from this perspective!

roger and out.


ps: Selamat Hari Raya :)

2011 on the line

I have no idea why, but right now, I am so very sure of what I will (or want to) be doing next year. In fact, I have a definite, specific plan. There are a few things I want to do. Not big things, but they are small and will be meaningful to me. The only thing is the execution part. Dammit. I haven't got that figured out.

Ah heck, I have nothing to lose and the worst thing that can happen is prolly that I won't be able to get things going according to my plans. But at least I know I tried. I might hate myself, but that I'll deal with later. All I know now is (almost) nothing (except for a few things) can stop me.

carpe diem.
(-the Dead Poets Society)

Where is Malaysia?

How much more do you think people notice/know/have heard of Malaysia than Slovenia? (Kidding. hehe. re: Paulo Coelho's Veronika Decides to Die)

Though people may have their own ideas of what and where you are,

you are always one to me: home

Happy Independence Day, Malaysia

Here's to you:

Song: Made in Malaysia

By: Roots N Boots

everyday is the first day of my life

"Don't know where I am, where I've been; but I know where I want to go"

song: First Day of My Life
by: Bright Eyes

a note to remind myself

i just want to write this down so i wont forget.


the wrinkles at the corners of your eyes when you smile
the expression right before you burst into laughter
your imperfect teeth
the soulful gaze
your cheekbones
the way you adjust your wristwatch
the childish jokes
the way you try to play along with my jokes
your passion for food
your passion for me
your passion




on second thought:


your weird neck
your hair when it's combed to the back
your attachment to your past
the expectations you have of me
the secrets you shed
the annoying way you walk when you're sad
the way you always choose where to eat
your passion to fight
how you talk to me when you're tired
the way you're always distracting me
the horrible things that come to mind when i think of you
just the thought of you

if you think my life is fabulous, please read.

Life has gotten monotonous these days; I almost forgot what I always do for fun. I mean, it's not like my life is a total bore that I can just sleep through it; it's just that somehow, it has become quite a routine. You know, work and what more it's the Ramadhan, I pretty much do the same things everyday:

Wake up, work, go home, break fast, go to mosque for tarawikh, go home, watch tv, sort laundry, sleep. and repeat from beginning.

But who am I to complain, I know I should be grateful. People in North Korea can't even watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians like I can. (it's not like they miss anything haha)

So yeah, thought I'd spice it up a bit and decided to go to the Filmmakers Anonymous 13 just now. I was supposed to go for tarawikh at a friend's house (her dad had some mosque-mates to come and have a mass prayer with food etc), but none of my other friends are going, and I'm quite segan to go coz I was already running late (it was 8.36pm), so I didn't go.

And I went to the Annexe at 9pm. Holy shit, you know, I just realized Central Market is so much like Detroit - it's possibly like one of those ghetto districts you see in the movies. I have been there late at night a few times before, but that was with my neighbour and he sort of took care of me. Other times, I was with my friends. I have to say, when you are alone there, you can feel shading eyes following you until you actually leave their sight.

But I couldn't care less. I brisked through the whole whistling and teasing commotion and reached there safely whilst munching on my Keropok Rota I bought at the news vendor. When I reached there, the event started; I think by that time they've shown about 2 short films.

The Invigilator was awesome. That was my fave. It was about how a male teacher used his students to get a female teacher to go out for a drink with him. Cool stuff. The others were experimentative in a good way, and some are just bland.

I sat next to one of the filmmakers without realizing it, and I felt so embarassed coz there were a few times when I was all like "And that's how they end the story?" or "I seriously don't get the part in the LRT" and he was saying things like "Yeah, that's probably a symbolism of some kind" and "I know, I don't really get it too" for the sake of agreeing with a stranger, I supposed.

The most horrifying thing was when I made a remark about something and he nodded his head vigorously saying "Mm-hmm, yeap, the guys who did this are really trying to be smart" and I later found out that it was actually his film! Shite-ness!

But after the whole Q&A session, I sheepishly apologized and he said it was ok and that he actually appreciated my frank opinion *blush* So I guess, that's settled. haha!

And for tomorrow, I might be breaking fast with some friends (that should be fun) and then attend a poetry reading. Hopefully I get chosen to be one of the jury else I'd be a lame a** audience, coz I ain't gonna read my sh*t up there.

Also for the time being, I will at least have something to look forward to: Penang Trip with colleagues!

Cheerios! (nope, I was not influenced by Glee)

how efficient are you?

wisemen say, those who are efficient, are the ones who piss, shit and fart all at the same time.

well, i am nearly there.

is there such a thing as a straight hook?

this song gives me the strange feeling of walking in subways and just recording my every day life. also reminds me of getting myself into innocent troubles. random? ditto.





ah i just generally miss ska-nking. need to break a sweat; should leave all this bs and go fly for coachella or glastonbury! (you know, i might just do that..just have to figure out how..*mind working*)


song: Love Tunnel
by: Crookedhook

when all we need to do is to keep breathing

This is my most favourite scene from Grey's Anatomy, ever.

Over-whelming; you literally feel emotions spilling over as the result of the unability to contain it. Great, great script and acting, filled with lessons of life.
song: Keep Breathing (listen to the full song here)
by: Ingrid Michaelson

I Don't Care

girls need to teach boys a lesson; they've been naughty!



"act like you don't care, and they come springling back like rubber band!"
(from the film Angus, Thongs, and Perfect Snogging).

Well, if that's how they learn, why not? Haha.

song: I Don't Care
by: 2ne1 (pronounced as 'twenny one')

Report Ramadhan [Part 1]

Bercakap tentang bulan Ramadhan, tentunya pelbagai perkara berenang-renang di minda penganut agama Islam; solat tarawikh, zakat fitrah, morikh, malam tujuh likur, peringatan terhadap insan-insan yang memerlukan, "cleansing of the soul", proses penyahtoksidaan badan, main bunga api dan sebagainya.

Tetapi, ada satu lagi perkara yang paling signifikan apabila tibanya bulan Ramadhan iaitu: waktu berbuka.

Nah, tentu sekali apabila memikirkan waktu berbuka, kita terus diperingatkan kepada Pasar-pasar juadah yang bertebaran diseluruh pelusuk Malaysia. Pelbagai hidangan dan juadah berlegar-legar dalam kotak fikiran. Antara juadah terkenal tatkala tiba bulan yang mulia ini: Roti John, Murtabak, Ayam Perchik, Kerabu, Ikan Bakar, Air Warna-Warni-Banyak-Perwarna, Air Tebu, Tau Foo Fa, dan sejuta muka surat lagi kalau saya nak senaraikan. Semuanya berkelip-kelipan seperti lampu-lampu neon di Las Vegas: "Sirap" "Laksa Johor" "Murtabak Singapura" "Beli Satu Percuma Dua".

Apakan daya, setiap kali aku pergi untuk membeli "satu benda je hari ni, promise", aku akan akhirnya membawa pulang sekurang-kurangnya 3 beg plastik (dah la tak eco-friendly, haish). Mesti ada saja hasutan perut yang meronta-ronta meminta diisi.

Pasar juadah, atau nama lainnya dan lebih komersil, Bazaar Ramadhan, adalah tempat yang harus dikunjungi tiap kali ingin membeli makanan untuk berbuka. Walaupun sunnah Nabi adalah berbuka dengan sebiji buah tamar serta air zam zam, namun rakyat Malaysia lazimnya rakus meng'attack' pasar juadah berdekatan rumah mereka membawa dompet dan payung dalam misi pencarian lauk-pauk dan kuih-muih untuk berbuka pada hari-hari tersebut.

Lebih rakus adalah apabila kita pergi ke pasar juadah bersama rakan taulan, sanak-saudara, adik, kak long, abang usu, mama dan papa, tok nek, jiran dan sebagainya, yang mempunyai pelbagai selera yang berlainan. Jadi apabila seseorang ingin membeli sesuatu (dan mulanya anda tiada niat untuk membeli), anda akan rasa terpengaruh dengan bau makanan itu (dan membayangkan kelazatannya di dalam minda) dan akhirnya menyerah kalah dan membeli sebungkus. Ish, ish. Apakah semua ini?! Pasar juadah ini semua propaganda semata!! (ehem)

Dan rentetan itu, waima Pasar juadah di Malaysia ini adalah yang terbaik di dunia sekali pun, jangan disangkal bahawa apa yang penting, tujuan kita berpuasa. Ini bukanlah sekadar picisan, malahan berpuasa ini bersebab, dan darsa warsa ini, kita semakin mengambil remeh akan hal ini. Berpuasalah dengan ikhlas, semoga saya juga mengambil iktibar. Sekian.

Selamat berpuasa dan beramal kepada semua umat Islam :)

Ter'haru'

Song: Haru Haru

By: BIG BANG

Yes, I have K-Pop fever, gimme a break.

hari ini aku

g e m b i r a 

ingin menulis dengan banyak

pernah tak ada perasaan macam ingin menulis dengan kadar yang sangat banyak? seperti ingin menulis, menulis dan menulis tanpa henti? seolah-olah semua perkataan-perkataan yang bakal ditulis dapat meleraikan kekeliruan yang terbuku di minda, dan semua yang telah tertulis menghapuskan setiap jejak sejarah?

dengan harapan semoga apabila menulis, hati yang bergelora ini dapat kembali tenang? semoga dengan rantaian perkataan yang menjadi ayat-ayat akan memperjelas arah yang perlu dituju?

aku sedang berasa seperti itu.

start again

You think a lot about
the regrets and the doubts
Just walk down the path
No need to do the math

I will wait at the end
to meet you and to mend
all the broken things
that's worth remembering

All the sticks and stones
the flesh and the bones
We'll light up the fire
of our passion and desire

And maybe start again
washing out the taint
writing a new chapter
of life together

of old friends

My hair smelt of smoke from the ciggie lit by my friend. It has been almost two years since I met and catched up with her. We first met each other on the first day of orientation day at our Uni and were just out of school.

That was 5 years ago. Things have radically changed. She still looked quite the same, but somehow, the things she went through made her look more matured. I listened attentively to the anecdotes that she passionately told me - her life was a mess. She is now picking herself back up, and looking pretty good.

I actually like listening to life stories from people. I learn a lot from them. Her friends later came to join, and I ordered myself another cup of iced mocha. The stories continued.

What I like about meeting old friends is that, no matter how long you haven't met each other, you can always pick up where you left everytime you meet. We weren't as close as we would like to be, but we are consistently checking up on each other.

I last called her on her birthday this year, and decided to ring her up again today, just randomly. Just as spontaneous as the phone call was, we decided to meet up after breaking fast. The venue was not a problem - The Usual Place, as we call it.

It was one of the successful impromptu plans we have ever made. Usually, somebody would be asking for a raincheck, and it would be months before we make another plan.

I foresee many more random meetings such as this, and it is quite refreshing to be able to let off some steam once in a while with old and warm friends - they get your jokes, hehe.

pulling my heartstrings

How can i possibly forget Korea?

I was checking my e-mail this morning, and this is what I received from my Korean friend:

Photo quality is not so good, as she probably took it with her camera phone.

But that aside, look at how cute the "tears" are!! so comical!!

She had a letter she attached together with this photo, but I ain't gonna put it up here. For my eyes only haha.

Sigh. Damn, I wish I can stay in Korea longer.

and yet, again.

him: you're naturally a happy person.
her: heh? no, but i'm always sad.
him: you like happy songs.
her: no, i like sad songs too.
him: yes, the sad songs you like have depressing lyrics but, they have happy tunes.
her: oh. i never noticed things like that about myself.
him: i know.. but i do.

*insert happy background music*

:)

Good to be home.

I am back from Seoul, Korea. I arrived pretty late last night, and my brain and my body just refused to function anymore. I walked and walked and climbed stairs the whole time I was in Korea.

So the only option I had was to just sleep. Thankfully, my manager allowed me to work from home today.

As I am writing this, I hear my mom humming to the faint sound of the radio in the kitchen; she's cleaning something up. My dad just woke up, and suddenly walked straight to the laundry basket to find a key (wth). Me, I am in my pajamas facing the window looking out. Sunny.

Something feels really homey.

Although I really miss every single memory and all the new friends I made in Korea (and a few particular people tihihi), I think it's good to be home. I have cushioned whatever troubles I had before leaving, and now I am comforted.

The people and things that I love most are here. It is good to be home.


p/s: updates on all things Korea coming up (sooner or later haha).

when i leave, i won't come back.

pursuit of loneliness

All the lonely people -

Where do they all come from?

-Lennon and McCartney

Currently reading The Pursuit of Loneliness by Philip Slater. 

A very old book, published in 1970, sometime around the Revolution. The author found that most people during this time invested so much of everything they have for the sake of self development and for their country, that finally after all that, they found themselves feeling lonely. 

So the author inferred that most people would then rather just be mediocre and earn as they need, as long as they have somebody else to enjoy it with. I guess that was when everybody turned hippie.

I found the book at my Atok's house; stashed underneath some other heavy books in an antique wooden cupboard. The smell of old books has always fascinated me.

I haven't been reading it consistently; it has been in stages. And I always find it difficult to adjust again to the way the book is written - using economy, politics and history to reveal the simplest of human necessity: a sense of belonging. 

Slater provides with remarkable historical events that supports his ideas of how each and everyone of us, are actually in the pursuit of loneliness (rather than 'happiness').

I am still reading it now.

So what can I say. I guess it was, and still is, a lonely world out there.

changed for good

Who cares if he is gay? I'm totally in love with Sam.

"I've heard it said,

That people come into our lives for a reason

Bringing something we must learn

And we are led

To those who help us most to grow

If we let them

And we help them in return.

Well, I don't know if I believe that's true

But I know I'm who I am today

Because I knew you... "

"It well may be..

That we will never meet again

In this lifetime

So let me say before we part

So much of me

Is made of what I learned from you

You'll be with me

Like a handprint on my heart

And now whatever way our stories end

I know you have re-written mine

By being my friend... "

"Who can say, if I have changed for the better?

But because I knew you,

I have been changed, for good.."

I like Sam's expressions in this cover. Very accurate to the feel of the song. My tearduct nearly burst with overwhelming emotions. And the words, well, what can I say, I might take it too deep, but this is how I feel.

 

Goosebumps? ditto.

 

 

Song: For Good

Original by: Wicked

Cover by: Sam Tsui, Kurt Hugo and Nick Pitera

quote-to-go

"Only as high as I reach can I grow,

only as far as I seek can I go,

only as deep as I look can I see,

only as much as I dream can I be"

- Karen Ravn

would you rather be a guy?

If guys cheat and/or sleep around,
He will be celebrated and looked up to by his friends, they show him respect.

People will say to him: "You're the man!!" or "He's hot!!" (somehow it's coz he scored a lot).

The more girls he is/was with, the higher his status is, especially in other men's eyes.

If girls cheat and/or sleep around,
She will be bitched about, and often times, lose respect.

People will say to her: "She's a slut" or  "What a whore" and also be called "Loose".

The more guys she is/was with, the more she is seen as the above (refer previous statement).

Not complaining, just stating the obvious.

sebenarnya tak perlu pun post ni tapi nak juga

Aku ni kalau nak bercerita bab cinta, humph, tak perlu lah. Aku lah orang paling loser, paling tak ada harapan dan paling atrocious dalam bidang nih. Kalau ada lah jual buku 'Love for Dummies' dah tentu aku terus beli buat rujukan. atau kalau ada Bachelors Degree ke Diploma ke, sijil ke, aku confirm enrol jadi student.

Tapi bila difikir balik, kalau aku belajar sampai mati pun pasal cinta nih, tak mungkin aku akan pass bahagian amali. (eh eh, bukan amali part making love, tapi amali untuk love and be loved and everything in between lah, macam relationship ke, haram jadah semua tu lah). Part teori tu aku rasa mampu juga lah nak score, walaupun RAM aku kecil je. (aku tak biasa menghafal macam rote learning tuh, aku lebih kepada mengingat fakta secara abstrak - yang ternyata masih kurang berkesan)

Entah lah, kadang-kadang tu aku ada juga rasa macam penat, macam malas nya aku nak get involved dengan benda-benda ni semua. Tapi aku pasti, kau semua tahu yang cinta ni macam dadah! Sangat best bila 'high', tapi bila low tuh rasa macam loji kumbahan. Ia mampu membuatkan orang gian, dan bila sampai part 'high' tuh, orang dah tak peduli tentang perasaan bila low. Dan aku yang kerdil ini pun tidak terkecuali.

"Apa yang orang kecoh-kecoh sangat pasal benda nih?" si Aku bertanya pada dirinya sendiri. Entah lah, jangan tanya aku, aku tak layak jawab. Apa kata kita tanya bibik jiran aku yang selalu sahaja aku nampak berjalan ke kedai membeli topup Maxis 5ringgit lepas tu bergayut kat belakang rumah dia atas buai. (Mentang-mentang lah majikan tak ada kat rumah, ko nak smexayy smexayy slutty slutty kat telefon. Dia tak tahu aku nampak)

Walaupun aku pasti kariernya sebagai bibik bukanlah karier idaman, dan selalu sahaja diherdik dan disuruh membuat perkara-perkara radikal dan jijiks oleh si majikan, dan selalu dipandang rendah oleh masyarakat sekeliling, namun at the end of those rough days, dia ada sepasang bahu untuk menangis atas (atau dalam bahasa penjajahnya, 'a shoulder to cry on'). Dia ada seseorang untuk mengadu domba, dan merintih kasih (eceh). Dia ada orang yang akan mendengar segala celoteh jawa pekatnya, dan memberinya pep talk untuk terus menyapu daun-daun kering yang akan gugur endlessly di laman rumah majikannya itu. Dia ada pembakar semangat.

Kalau nak buat perhitungan:

Pekerjaan: Aku -1, Bibiklicious - 0 [kalau ikut skala yang ditetapkan oleh masyarakat sejagat]
Money: Aku - 1, Bibiklicious - 0 [sebab aku tau duit dia selalu habis kat topup]
Friends: Aku - 1, Bibiklicious - 0 [hey come on, kawan-kawan aku semua cool kot. Kitorang lepak NZ, diorang lepak padang je]
Family: Aku - 1, Bibiklicious - 1 [draw lah, sebab aku dengar anak-anak dia kat seberang muka cam Rangga]
Love life: Aku - 0, Bibiklicious - 100 [aku rasa bila dia break up pun, dia terus dapat pengganti the next day]

The verdict: Aku - 4, Bibiklicious - 101

PERGH. Ini satu penghinaan nih! Bibiklicious lead aku by 99.9%! Aku tak tau mana nak letak muka nih! Yelah, mana tak nya, muka aku nih semua orang cam. Aku kan ikon zon Ampang Utara.

So moral of the story is, bibik tersebut menang kerana dia ada support system dalaman bahagian hati. Dan aku pula tak menentu; kadang-kadang tu ada, kadang-kadang tak ada. Ikut pasang surut air laut lah. And sekarang ni support system aku adalah spine aku lah, apa lagi. Tak ada tulang belakang, tak jalan beb. Haha ok tak kelakar. Bye.

ibu saya

suatu hari yang tenang. cuaca sedikit sunny dan angin sepoi-sepoi.

aku tiba di rumah setelah pulang dari kerja.

"Hi bu."

"Hi.." kata ibu sambil mata memandang ke bawah, tekun dengan drawing nya. ibu suka melukis, terutama sekali lukisan portraits dan porcelain.

aku berjalan ke peti sejuk dan menuang juice ke dalam gelas.

"Ada food tak ibu?" perut ku berkeroncong, merintih supaya aku feed dia.

"Ada bawah tudung saji tuh.." sambil mengangkat kepalanya.

"My God! gelapnya anak ibu nih! what happened to you??!" ibu mengeluarkan statement separa menjerit.

"Huh?"

"You are so dark! Kulit nampak kusam! Pakai sunscreen SPF berapa nih??"

"Err..30?"

"No, no. From now on, you have to start taking care of yourself. Biarlah muda-muda ni nampak gebu-gebu, bagi kulit tuh licin sikit..Ibu dulu bukan main jaga. Vitamin C tak pernah tinggal."

"I have no money and time for all that.."

"Alah, kalau nak ada je cara. Anak orang semua cantik-cantik.."

Haih, memang lah ada caranya.

Tapi kalau sudah tengah-tengah hari buta suruh aku sebat rumput depan rumah, lepas tu everytime nak masak lunch suruh pergi ke kedai jalan kaki (harga minyak dah mahal, and also to lessen carbon emission, so no driving) beli taugeh lah, cili boh lah..the probability of me getting tanned and sun-burned is so high!

most often than not, aku perlu berjalan kaki dari rumah ke station LRT terdekat untuk ke pejabat. Nah, masakan tidak gelap!

Dan FYI ibu, freckles yang ada di wajah ku ini merupakan hasil DNA ibu dan ayah, jadi jangan salahkan saya!

Apa-apa pun, aku sudah mulai mengambil langkah berjaga-jaga kerana takutkan kanser kulit akibat pancaran UV matahari yang semakin mengganas.

Kini, setiap kali aku menjemur baju dan mengangkat laundry setelah kering, aku pasti akan memakai topi cowboy milik ayah ku yang boleh melindungi wajahku sebanyak 90% dari cahaya matahari. jiran-jiran dan bibik-bibik yang riuh berceloteh di luar sentiasa memandang pelik sambil berbisik melihat kelibatku bertopi cowboy.

agaknya mereka berkata sesama mereka:

"Kok gilak ini, pakei nya topi koboi di rumah aja! pas lagian, cuma ngangkat jemuran! ish, bikin pusing nih!"

dan jiran hot berkereta Myvi SE Oren mungkin berkata dalam hati:

"Wow holy macarel! Now that's what I call fashion-forward meets functionality!"

Ya, saya sering diperkata orang. Mereka menggelar saya: 'IT GIRL' of Setiawangsa Hills.

i know i will

you know
when i think about it,
nothing can actually make me forget you.
nothing
not even someone else

but somehow,
i know i will.
and eventually,
i will.

..but i don't want to.

a thing that always happen to me

one morning, i woke up and i have a song stuck in my head. and the song is still playing repeatedly and i have no idea what song it is. or who's the singer, or where i heard it. why does this always happen to me? ugh.

and on this particular day, it is this song. all i can remember is :

"na na na na stumble and fall,
dad dada da crawl.."

what song is that?! somebody help.

mencintai tidak semestinya memiliki

when you see me

hello

have you ever seen me?

do you know how i look like?

well, let me tell you something about what you might discover when you see me.

the moment you set your eyes upon my face, you will see a rather nice looking (not hot nor elegant) girl, with a pleasant personality (you wouldn't hate me right away, it may take at least an exchange of two sentences for that to happen). just your average, standard female 20-something.

you may listen to me talk, in circles, or in repetition and about the absolute random things you can ever imagine existed under the sun. and you begin to wonder for how long more you have to nod and act interested at the absurd things i will tell you. and you will decide to spare me and give me ten more minutes to make sense.

and after that ten minutes, you will start to like me. you will begin to notice the endearing smile i have, the twinkle in my eyes when i start talking about something i like or the sudden loud laugh i let out that may be shocking to surprised passers-by.

and you become interested in me. your interest grow relatively to the time you spend with me, or in the moments we spend interacting. you will ask me questions about me, about my life, about my likes and peeves. and you let me ask you questions about you. and since i am naturally a curious and inquisitive person, i will ask you about many things, and you will slowly open up to me. 

you will begin to crawl out of the shadows of the past, your true self will crack itself out of the shell. the walls you build against the society will crumble, and ice will melt. you will finally let me in to your life.

you will then make every effort to ensure that you are in mine too, but most often than not, you will find yourself in disappointment. but there are rare moments when you find yourself allowed into this life that you find unexpectedly mysterious. and you will try to understand it. and you will conclude that it is like math - where there is a formula to it, but the answers may vary. 

and i must warn you, when you finally managed to understand more than you really should, you will find that i am a complex and frustrating person. you will begin to feel a certain level of regret, and the feel to turn back, but you can't. because you have fallen for me, and you want to finish this adventure you start for yourself. and also because of your ego to retain your first impression of me that i am simple.

the sparks are still there, but, it is now not sparks of attraction. it is the sparks of fire. there will be a need to exaggerate minor misdemeanor, to pinpoint every error, and each will wait for the other to make a mistake. 

and soon enough, i will make that mistake you have been waiting for. and you will begin your series of attacking, laying down every single mistake that i had done that you 'closed one eye' to before, executing  every strategies of breaking me and bringing me down that you've envisioned for so long.

and i will become defensive, i will build a wall, and i will throw bricks at you to protect myself. when you have no good comeback, you will use whatever you know about me. you will bring back everything from any parts of the timeline. you will use who i am, who i was, what i had done, what i am not, who i was with, what i had said, what secrets i told you, what things i should and shouldn't do, who and what you wish i am, what you hope i would become for you and everything else. even as little a thing as how you think how disheveled and messy my hair is.  

and somehow, somewhere in your mind, you will finally conclude that i am useless, and a hypocrite.

and here is the time when i assure you that yes, i am in fact a hypocrite. and i will give you examples after examples. like how i do not practice what i preach. i talk about saving the environment, but i leave empty cans under the seat and i only print on one side of the paper. i turn mad when people are racist, when in fact, i am ultra to my own race. i promote peace, cried when people from other parts of the world suffer from war, when my own country is fighting its own battle. i vowed to help the homeless and the needy, but i wasn't even there for my family when they needed me. i want to fight poverty in third-world countries, but my meals are always unfinished and leftovers are aplenty that goes in the bin.

i encourage friends and everyone to be in love, talking about how it's the best thing in the world, when in reality i know nothing about it, maybe have never really felt it, and secretly at times don't believe in the truth of it. all my knowledge of it is solely based on stories i've heard from other people, the movies i watched, the songs i heard, and my assumptions and visions of it. 

yes, i am a hypocrite but i am not a liar. i meant what i said, and i meant what i told you about what i felt.  i did not lie about my feelings, my emotions, my thoughts, my dreams of you. the smiles and tears for you were honest; it came from the most bottom part of my heart that i didn't even know existed. 

and so most often than not, things will become awkward. sometimes, things will just be left hanging. but all the time, all the freaking time, people will leave. and you might leave too. but if you stay, well, you will be an exception. you will be the only one who choose to do so. and i will be grateful my whole life. 

yes, as a conclusion, that is what you will get when you look at me - an honest hypocrite, who talks a lot but might not necessarily know what she's talking about, who you might fall in and out of love with.

and so, if you decide to leave in the end, i suggest you save both of our time; skip my face and lay your eyes on somebody else. you might have a different ending with her. 

but if you somehow feel that you are one to stay, look me in the eyes, put on a helmet, and buckle up your safety belt. you've booked yourself the ride of a lifetime with me.

or else goodbye,

till we meet again.

buto

i missed it last year. but this year, it's back. i thought of participating, it could be a good cathartic outlet for me, instead of just watching - given the size of shit im in currently, i can use some emotional expression. but either ways, you can bet i'll be there. if you're interested:

to watch, i suggest on the 8th. see ya.

question

if a person was born deaf, what language would he or she think in?

three words that became hard to say

"one foot in and one foot back,

but it don't pay, to live like that,

so i cut the ties and i jumped the tracks,

for never to return.."

"..what you were then, i am today.."

song: i and love and you

by: the avett brothers

love the video, and how they count the three words altogether at the end.
accurately vague lyrics, just how i like it.

some people are just not meant for love

 

tilik tangan

aku membelek tapak tangan ku
- banyak garis-garis halus,
yang menyimpan segala macam
rahsia

menanti untuk dibongkar
tatkala ia berlaku

tidak ku tahu
apa maknanya garis ini
- garis yang merentas
persegi tapak tanganku

nampak berkecamuk
bercabang
terputus-putus

seperti aku dan kamu

a quote that slaps

This quote smacks me in the face with truth this morning.

"Expecting life to treat you well because you're a good person

is like expecting an angry bull not to charge cause you're a vegetarian.."

How so true. I might just as well be bad, and expect life to treat me horribly, so that if it suddenly is nice to me, I would be caught in a huge surprise. ha ha.

i'll kiss you between the bars

"..The people you've been before

That you don't want around anymore

That push and shove and won't bend to your will

I'll keep them still.."

song: between the bars

by: elliot smith (r.i.p.)


p/s: alternatively, you might want to check out the song in better quality and with the lyrics HERE. a very good song. classic choice for one of those rainy days (or nights).

big me

"..but it's you, i fell into.."

band: foo fighters
song: big me

i am sucked backwards in a vacuum

so hey

it's been a really long time, and i miss you

 i want to talk to you and confide in you

i want to tell you how my days have been,

and i want you to tell me how to get through

i just want to have a conversation, 

and we don't even have to talk

so yeah

oh his dancing!

my default morning tunes for the past week have been a tribute to the drums.



jonathan pierce is groove king! i is loving him lah!

band: the drums
song: best friend
other songs to listen to: let's go surfing (cool video), forever and ever amen

treasure!

perkara

A: apa benda yang kau paling nak sekarang?

B: masa silam.

pudu jail

it was a sad goodbye.

taken from klue

the night it happened, the tearing down of the walls of pudu jail, i felt as if a part of my KLness was torn away. somehow. previously, i felt the same way when my former school, Bukit Bintang Girls' School was demolished to make way for Pavilion (the mall now).

and now, on the 21st of June 2010, another significant symbol of KL (a sort of heritage, on the criminal side: botak chin and mona fandey were both executed there. two of malaysia's most notorious criminals) had been erased physically from the sight of KLites and tourists alike.

i was there, when it happened. suddenly felt a strong emotional attachment, though i've never been jailed there or anyone i know, for that matter. but that is not the point. the point is that i've been so used to seeing it there my whole life, and now it wont be there anymore.

the crowd was crazy. there were so many people.

an ex-inmate was telling some of us about his service at the jail. it was pretty heart-wrenching for him, although the only memories he had there were bad ones. but he mentioned that he made some of the best mates there, and they are now all clean and changed. they are still the best of friends now.

a graffiti by inmates at the jail. taken from here.

a friend of mine posted this up on his facebook page. i seriously felt like crying but was at the office, so had to hold my composure. haha. but here it is. take a look:



alternatively check it out on youtube.


bye pudu jail. im going to miss you.

sublime

i want to be in this picture.


Prague Photos -- National Geographic's Ultimate City Guides

the one about PTPTN

i was looking through the PTPTN website to search for paying back information (yeah, now i have to work my a*s off to pay for the loan) (which is totally fine hehe), and this is what i got:

taken from here. click for larger view.

are you kidding me? you're giving me that? i am never wasting my time tapping away on my calculator or spending my time musing over the "formula", twitching numbers here and there. i got better things to do, like pick my nose or something. geez.

1. you make me pay interest for the loan

2. and you make me count using your ever so convenient formula?

somebody in there seriously has an issue..trying to show off and looking like a math genius or something. i just need to know how much i have to pay in numbers i can understand. thanks.

water

water is indirectly associated to melancholy, somehow, i observed. 

rain

tears (hence, mucus)

slow running streams

flood

dripper

i really dont have any point. so bye.

reality

beautiful pictures of a sad situation.

click here.

p/s: at the office now. should not be blogging. bye.

to the stranger im in love with

hello

what's your name?

have i seen you before?

have you ever heard me sing?

i don't make the best lullaby

but every song i write

is my journey to you

you're out there

breathing the same air

i can feel you near

should i wait?

should i find?

i don't wanna be late

i don't wanna be

i don't wanna be late

i don't wanna be

tell me how many songs do i need to write to get to you?

tell me how many songs do i need to write to get to you?

are you here in the crowd?

would you stand out and show yourself up?

'cause i've been talking to that someone in the future

if i could i would just squeeze into the drawer

and spare us this series of nonsense

are you here in the crowd?

would you stand out and show yourself up?

let's save our bloody precious time

and put an end to soulmate-searching drama

we've prolly brushed against each other

we're just too frickin' stupid to even bother

hey it's not like we're getting any younger

and let's not forget all those standard procedure

that might take up another few more years

oh i am tired of talking to someone in the future

if i could i would just squeeze into the drawer

and spare this series of heart-breaking nonsense

this series of heart-breaking nonsense

this series of heart-breaking nonsense

hello

what's your name?

song: dear mr. future
by: wani ardy

i am that

i am the droplet of dew
that kisses the other side of your bedroom window
and blurs up the view from inside

i am the footsteps
that trails on your manicured lawn
and tramples on the beds of roses

i am the bad milk
that you eat with your favorite cereal
and upsets your stomach by surprise

i am the blood stain
that discolor the white of your shirt
and becomes a visible dot

i am the memory
that will not leave your brain
and decides to be recalled.

Terkini!

"lebih baik aku hidup berkaki ayam

daripada mencuri selipar orang kat masjid lepas solat jumaat..!!"

KUALA LUMPUR - di atas merupakan kata-kata wisdom seorang rakan ku.

beliau dilaporkan kehilangan sepasang selipar cap buaya (crocs) berwarna hitam dan hijau kegemarannya ketika sedang menyempurnakan solat jumaat di sebuah masjid terkemuka di kota raya.

kini hidup beliau terumbang-ambing dan tidak keruan akibat hilangnya "kemachoan" beliau yang terletak pada seliparnya.selipar tersebut telah menjadi periuk nasi beliau setelah lebih setahun dan juga merupakan senjata penting bagi beliau untuk memancing wanita.

kini, beliau terpaksa menggunakan kuasa "mengayat" beliau yang kurang memuaskan itu untuk mendapatkan nombor telefon wanita-wanita random. waima kecewa sekalipun, beliau tetap optimis bahawa dalam masa sehari sahaja, beliau akan nescaya mendapat sekurang-kurangnya 2000 nombor telefon gadis (melalui yellow pages).

tiada kecederaan fizikal yang serius yang dialami oleh mangsa, namun hati beliau koyak akibat ego beliau yang tercalar.beliau nekad untuk berkaki ayam ke masjid selepas kejadian ini. dan sekiranya hari hujan, beliau bercadang melapik kaki beliau menggunakan plastik apam balik yang selalu dibeli sebelum bersolat.

sekian, Brito Panah (Berita Panas versi kelantan).

tempat dan situasi sama

beberapa bulan yang lalu, aku di sini, di tempat yang sama. memikirkan perkara-perkara yang sama. di sini juga lah, masalah-masalah tersebut hilang. aku harap pisang berbuah dua kali.

mungkin

mungkin aku fobia
dengan perihal-perihal silam.
segala kejadian-kejadian
yang kategorinya "sejarah".

mungkin juga aku cuma takut
akan perkara yang bakal terjadi.
hal-hal yang tidak diketahui
oleh sesiapa terutama aku.

mungkin aku tidak pasti
dengan diriku sendiri.
persoalan siapa, apa dan mengapa
prinsip dan moralku, cita dan cintaku.

atau mungkin kerana aku tahu
bahwa aku punyai sepasang kaki
yang sihat dan berupaya
yang mampu berlari, membawa ku jauh

jauh dari sini.

it

it is not easy
it is not just another job
it involves you
and it involves other people
it involves your feelings
and it involves others'
it is a form of karma
it is a huge part of fate
it connects you to things
it connects you to people
it is here to make my life better
it is here to haunt me
it is haunting me again.

pada ke mana sih?

fuhhh udah lama bangat gwe nggak ngupdate blog nya. barangkali rame yang tertanya pada ke mana sih royalcrapater nya! yaa, gwe agak capek minggu ini padahal, gwe punyain banyak tugasan..sempat juga gwe pergi liburan di tioman. mungkin juga gwe akan update perihal tripnya nanti.

gwe udah dapatan kerja, mula kerja nya 2 minggu lagi. kok gwe nggak ada baju sih untuk dipake ke kerja! jadinya, minggu ini butuh shopping doank! mungkin aja pake baju mbak nya. kerja nya yaa dekat aja kok ama rumah..gwe barangkali naikin tren aja hari-hari. ya jimat juga jimat!

itu aja buat masa ini. kapan lagi gwe update sih blognya.

bullet in the lawn

the suede surface of the clouds

the silky ray of the tangerine sun

the distorted voices of the crowd

the one single sound shot of the gun.

a bullet in the lawn.

i'm gone.

a Coy worth the chase

This is Chase Coy. first heard of him from my friend.

This is one of the more unpopular songs of his, i found, but it's as good as the others. and this is my favorite so far, apart from picturesque and never had the courage.

he also has the tendency to name his songs to the months of a year. haha. anyhoo, here it is, the live version of closer.

my black note book

what do you write on the first page of a new book?

while i was cleaning up my room, i found my black notebook that i lost few years back.

needless to say, i was very excited.

i turned to the first page, to see what i had writen.

and there i wrote:

"never stop writing"

but there was nothing else on the pages after that.

i am ironic.

signs

there are many times when we just go on with the paths that brought us anywhere, and forgot to read the signs. the roads may get bumpy and winding, and most often than not, confusing. these are the times when you need to look out for the signs.

if people were rain

taken from tumblr

because i do

song by pearl and the puppets.

potensi

apa yang lebih baik sekarang ini bukanlah orang yang telah memiliki segala-galanya (sudahlah bukan dengan hasil titik peluh sendiri), tetapi orang yang berpotensi memiliki segala-galanya dengan sedikit usaha dan kepercayaan.

potensi itu menjanjikan seribu satu kepastian, dan semua orang memilikinya. apa yang menjadi perbezaan hanyalah sama ada kita menggunakannya atau tidak.

aku suka menjadi orang yang melihat sendiri potensi menjadi kejayaan.