celebrating what i have

...

what do i have at this point of my life?


1. my family, who have seen me with or without clothes on (haha), surviving through my tantrums, cried and laughed together, growing up and growing into each other every second of the day.

2. one or two friends (or a few, definitely not many), who has been through thick and thin with me like they are family, and not making a big fuss out of it (and neither am i, couldnt ask for more).

3. decent amount of happiness. im not too happy that life is practically a party. and im not that sad and disappointed either with life that i have to plan the perfect suicide mission. im just the right amount of happy to still feel the need to earn for it.

4. personal vision and missions. i now have a few goals that i try to achieve and they have given me the drive to keep living everyday the fullest. short term, long term, all that jazz.

5. haters and nay-sayers. there are a whole bunch of them. some strangers, mostly those i know. these are the people that are bringing me down. but in contratry to what they think, i wont break under their terms. what cant break you, will make you stronger. we need them in our lives. it's like good bacteria (haha).

6. a long way to go. yes, i still have a whole journey ahead of me. and i aint lookin' back.

heaven

touching, the way she sings..

click here to watch it.

i just threw a bunch of words in a post and this is what i get

warning: this post is ugly. can't think straight and just need to get some words and thoughts out. if possible dont read it at all. currently very very messy in terms of everything. messy and tight. you can say life is in the pitfalls now, but i've been worse. so yeah im still alive and unfortunately have to deal with the shitzone.
i need two things: money, and a PA.

i have limited words

i use the same over and over

in attempts to mean

in attempts to propagate

i dont usually mean

the things i said

mostly went without

thorough thinking

i dont own a lot

the things i have

are very precious

i dont have lots of time

i dont own sacks of money

in fact the one word

that can describe

where i am in the

society right now is

limited.

limited words and therefore

making limited sense.

limited ways in spending

cause i ain't got cash.

limited to think

i am often told how to do so,

not very productive.

ugh im just limited and

not in an exclusive way.

and i might not act my age.

omg i have too much issues here.

today at school

well what do you know, it's the day before the school holidays. i cant say i wasnt sad or feeling a little bit like an old person watching her granddaughters and grandsons go back to the city; leaving her all alone at the kampung. what i felt was rather similar to that.

amidst all the honks (handmade by some boys using used water bottles? memang kreatif) after the last school bell rang, and the laughters and goodbyes and selamat-puasa's, i was there feeling sappy. i stood at the corridor facing the school gate from the first-floor for a good 7minutes or so, just feeling..sad. that was at 12.20pm.

i have no idea i would feel this way. i mean, i saw it coming, just not so strong and concrete of a feeling. i 100% felt sad. geez, it's just the school closing for a week for the holidays. in fact, i should feel very happy. this was what i wanted - being able to let my hair down, and resting my ears from the sounds of shrieks and screamings, and the constant "teacher, teacher, teacher, teacher, teacher!".

but funnily, i am contradicting myself. im an official walking contradiction. these kids have made me one.

some of the students even thought this was my last day at school, and insisted that we took photos together. after all the photo sessions, i explained to her that i'll still be coming to school after the hols. her face broke into a huge smile and she said "Yes!! Ish cikgu buat saya takut tadi! Dah nak nangis dah ingatkan cikgu dah hari last..!!"

if only she knew what was going through my mind at that moment. i was mentally prepping myself for the real day. i was actually role-playing the character of a prac teacher on her last day. and it felt horrible. i hated that feeling. i dont ever want to be in that spot! but you know, as everyone says, we must move on. i will have to face that day very soon. and i'd better just face it positively so that it wont leave like a black mark or something in my trail of life.

sigh sigh and an even bigger sigh.

i hope i will grow old and still have excellent memory. i hope when im 80 years old, i can still remember all the faces and names and kind things that the students did that made me dont ever want to stop teaching and leave school.

i hope and that's all i can do for now.

i want to be in the Amazon

it is definite.
i am going for a holiday, end of the year.
i dont care about swine flu,
i dont care if nobody wants to follow.
i badly need a change of air.
my bro and i are planning on prague.
but cash doesnt agree.
we're plainly short of it.
dammitz.
last resort would be KK,
or brunei, or macau.
where there are people we can crash with.
xxx worries about backpacking,
which is useless.
it is the only way to save.
ugh.
the gods of moolah,
please grant me a blank check.
hehe.
meanwhile, planning doesnt hurt :p
still looking for inspiration.

the price some people pay

you sometimes sleep with one eye open.
regardless the dream of rainbows and fountains.
anxious, doubt and the feeling of blue,
can just get the better of you.


i can't pull out pretty verses.
i only have those to hate.
i now feel like how i think.
i hate being sick, in this bed.

i can

why,
i can tear all those letters
fry them with the sun
i can shed all these tears
and pretend it's all done.
i can drive myself home
without you showing the way
i can watch tv alone
and just sleep all day.
if i can cook for two
i can certainly cook for one
eat dinner with the cat
oh we'll have so much fun.
i can forget everything
i can erase if you want me to
i can show no feelings
i know you are doing it too.
i can put away all of it
i can pretend they're not true
i can do it all
but only if you tell me how to.

i want to forget it all now,
just tell me how,
just tell me how.

how i spend my time these days

current interest (or rather, obsession) : fashionable males.

1. purposeful, but subtle

2. deliberate but understated

3. messy in a neat way

4. maximum attitude underneath simple ensembles

and i am all set to drool.

regular visual reads would be: the sartorialist, the lookbook

to look out for: pascal grob (in my opinion).

top of the (my) list this week:

i cant even begin. here

he married style and..literature? double points! here

his main accessory: the 50's moustache. here

if i were a boy, i'd be wearing this. and most of his other ensembles.

nobody can ever get enough of white and cotton.

note: the tote, and the sandals. perfect. here

i am not literate in fashion. i dont speak its language. but i like to look at well-dressed people. well-dressed does not necessarily mean clean crisp clothes. to me it means giving thorough thought into what you are about to wear to finally end up looking like you just put on the first thing you saw when you woke up that morning. the more effortless it looks, the better.

fashion evolves, but style remains.

look at me baybee

can somebody say hot!


i like the whole look. the black peeptoe, leather tights and checked oversized bf shirt.

BUT, what really caught my liking and now made me drool and hate reality coz i know i wont ever get my hands on it, is the car plate.

it's embossed carved on metal. wowwee! the ride looks like a merce or could even be a volvo. but who cares i want the plate!!

photo taken from here.

grey

today right now this moment
more than half past midnight
where lonely souls wander
aimlessly in undefined air
i see golden streaks and
splashes of red blue black
and white.
black and white
equals grey, but you are not
neither am i but we
we are
definitely absolutely totally
grey.
wave the brush and
paint me magic and
stroke the wand and
pull an arrow out of the hat
but there is nothing to it
it is just talk and no walk
words evaporating in the
muddy air with sweet dreams
falling and melting on the
dirty ground with
footprints.
those of the past and present.
those of you, me.
those of -
those that are
overlapping crisscrossing
intertwined;
but no ends meet
none.

second best is fine, as long as you're not 'it'

mom borrowed my car, so basically i am nowhere out of the 500m radius for these few days. going to school spells car-pooling. not anyone can walk too far with the extremely hot and humid weather nowadays, plus the haze.

despite that, the weather now is pretty relaxing. the haze actually provide a barrier between the sun ray and us. which means, i dont have to squint my eyes and also the occasional wind gives a perfect situation for taking wedding photos. and.. it is Sunday. i have always loved sundays.

i wonder if the normal week begins with Tuesday and Monday is our Sunday, would it feel the same? i bet not. because Sunday is the sun's day, if y'know what i mean. though i pretty much like the sun less now coz it made me look a tone darker than normal, but who cares. and also coz it made all of us have higher risk of skin cancer. but thats ok, as long as Sunday gets to be the last day of the week.

and if we were to change Tuesday to be the first day of the week, would everyone still have the Monday Blues? or it would then be the Tuesday Blues? Haha. rubbish.

eye candy

outrageous! but i like :)

from fashion bits and bobs

always have a soft spot for loafers. i wish i can get a pair of the tassel ones soon. they are majorly sold for men, so pretty hard to find one that spells old and new at the same time showing femininity.

spot me if you can 2

from here

sugar in cider

drops of water

gels together
salt and pepper.

sprinkles sugar

to apple cider

life gets better.

where people are pleasantly strange..

..and counting the change.

"you dont know why"

everything you want.

what they really want

i dont even know where to begin.

i am only half way through, but it felt like an epic; practicum. i have so many things to share, so many problems to be solved, and yet i couldnt get around in putting it to words. this has been one of the best periods of my life. i have a feeling that i just cant get enough of it, i wouldnt even if you pay me to stop.

some may speculate that the fact that i like teaching so much is prolly because of other factors: the school, admin, students, facilities etc. yes, i dont deny all those contributing factors, although my school is definitely not one of the best (hell no). but what really hooked me to it (teaching) is the rapport, the special bond i have between the students and i, as the teacher.

let us be reminded that each and every class is different, let alone every child in the classroom. they have varying experiences and feel different emotions at the moment you are teaching. it is your duty to pick those (experience and emotions) up. every 10minutes of the lesson is also different. everything happens very quickly in the class. you have to be very spot on and work well under constant and rapid pressure. failing to do so can cause many backlash from students that may affect you and the children.

a classroom is an onion. intricate and complex. fragile when the layers are separated, but strong when in a unit. there are multiple layers of cultures and subcultures and socio-eco-demographical factors, to be peeled one after another by the teacher. the time you take varies. you can never set a list of the same steps and rules for each class. they are all different. so take your time..get to know your students. and, one thing i learned is to not to 'get to know' your students under technical and visibly purposeful terms. do it on purpose, but do it because you want to. because you really care and this will help you throughout the rest of your teaching days.

i have to admit, some students you can get close to them with a snap of the finger; but some are very reserved and secretive about their background. it is our job to find out what makes them who they are at that point of time in the classroom. informations like illiteracy, being victims of bully should not be revealed hastily and impulsively. these are the things that you should keep under the concept of trust that the students have for you and, especially, to not use it against them.

for example:

"Haa Ali (bukan nama sebenar)! Hish buat kerja la! Awak ni tak nak pandai ke? Nanti dah besar nak jadi apa? Mak ayah awak dah la orang susah!"

Thats a violation of two important things:

1. you are using the child's personal information against him/her and therefore breaching the trust he/she has towards you.

2. you are humiliating and demotivating the student and telling him to change something he cannot (the status of his parents).

in short, what we are actually doing is putting the blame that the parents are poor on the student.

at the end, it comes down to two things. students either want your attention, or they need it. you have to be able to tell. because those who need your attention (especially those who are less smart and have learning or personal problems) normally dont want your attention. so you have to give it without them asking.

for me, all these kids want and need is love and attention. they have an insatiable thirst for love. they like it if you listen with your eyes glued to them, although you dont understand a thing about the MMORPG they are talking about. but they appreciate. and when they notice and appreciate the time and attention you invest in them, they will do anything in the world for you, trust me.

kids are the most honest bunch of homo sapiens. if they dont like you, they will show it in their actions or they will just tell you straight. and if they do like you, they will let that be known too. so if they can be honest to you, you can be honest in your love to them too. and they will know if you are sincere or not. (they are very observant and sensitive!). they will do everything they can to make you notice them, especially in a big class. they will break into a fight, shout, or for the quiet ones, they will rebel and not do their homework for example. those are some of the negative ways. positively, they will ask to help carry your books, or always walk around in the staff room aimlessly..and etc.

you see, i can write a whole lot more, but i think i'll save it for later posts. hehe. im not so good at this myself; still learning as i go. but i guess you can say that i am eager and excited to learn and i wouldnt mind sharing what i learned with everyone.

as for now, if you feel like you dont love teaching enough, take some time and put yourself in the little shoes of the students. they dont want many things (like money, fame, great marriage etc), they only want small things that adults are too ignorant and stingy to provide them with. and those things are free. think about it.

till then, happy teaching! :)

(thats what my superviser, Mr.Kieran always say to me: Happy Teaching)

TGIW

Thank God It's the Weekends.

I have a whole sack of things to do, but i remembered that an individual can choose when given the freedom of choice. therefore, i choose to be a true Weekender by not doing anything (related to work)! and now i feel super awesome; with rain on a sunday morning. oh. bliss.

anyway, im checking out a japanese contemp dance at the central market. well, i dont want to waste my sunday i guess. at least im doing something i love!

gotta get get hommies!

not just some guy

okay, another featured guy in my blog. what can i do? i love boys! LOL.

taken from The Sartorialist

Oh, can somebody say yummy? fashion-wise and style aside, he is almost fiction. that far-away gaze of his, and the brawny collarbone and shoulders..oh mercy, my nose should bleed. look at that pierced elfin ears. what did i tell you about fiction? he can easily be somebody straight from Tolkien or that A. Lloyd, taking a break in between medieval chicks and chronicles of mythological wars.

and i feel safe (or unintimidated, rather) that he too, possess a set of eyebags. haha talk about insecurities. man, i got issues. anyways, yeah. those are symbolic of the time he spent for sleeping (which is less than normal, prolly). so he could be someone who has irregular working hours, or shifts, or just a 24/7/365 cycle of work. he must be in arts, one thinks. yes indeed, he is a dancer. oh how graceful he must be when his moves and grooves are coupled with some rhythm!

but he can work the style out. i mean, im fine with the whole laid-back-im-scraping-food-from-garbage look, but he could at least accessorize. but he's colour-coordinated, so thats again, points.

you know, you can put this guy anywhere, any time era, any timezone, on the mountains, the ocean, the forest, the sky..he would fit perfectly. this is what i call a universal facial feature. he should be a model or something by now. except that he's a commoner, HAHA, he likes doing common things. i wonder if he likes politics and NatGeo. i wonder if we make a..ehem..great pair. LOL. not in a mill!

p/s: i hope he's not gay..

do.suitcase.or

there was the door,
that pinched me
in the gut, everytime
sight is laid upon it.
why do you ask?
you dont even care.
they are invisible, the
footsteps

becoming more clear
with every of my own
footsteps

and then there
it is, the famous
suitcase. carried and
stuffed and thrown
with some of mine
and some of yours
-memories. if you
must ask me. listen
to that. the trod stomp
of feet. that is you. i
know, just cant get enough
just never enough. well
then, dont forget that
suitcase. and the door.