kesal

aku hanya bercakap

dan itu hanyalah kata-kata

aku tidak maksudkannya begitu.

Mimpi Sang Realis

Mimpi Sang Realis (atau realisation sang pemimpi) ketika kaki dibasah air laut pada jam 3 pagi.

Sentiasa ada kau yang aku fikirkan

dan kau yang sebenarnya

sentiasa ada diriku yang aku tunjukkan

dan aku yang sebenarnya

sentiasa ada dunia seperti yang kita lihat

dan dunia yang sebenarnya

dan matahari dan bulan dan bintang-bintang di angkasa

dan pasir pantai dan ombak laut

dan gerombolan awan yang berarak

boleh jadi sedang mengikuti hati kita

dan menyanyikan perasaan kita

atau sekadar objek-objek mati yang memenuhi ruang.

- ledisordre '09

[Sajak Salun Eksotikata]

p/s: thanks chip (:

not very glad

.

what's fantastic about life is that nothing seems to really be what they look like.

that's a bonus, or disaster.

for now, a disaster.

.

indonesian's best exports

first saw it from dianarikasari's blog, then my interest was reinforced by zafirahanis when she showed me their cover of beyonce's telephone. and then, tatieta and i stalked them on youtube and they were just amazing! gamal, if you're reading this, we're huge fans of yours! come to malaysia!

here's gamal performing just dance by gaga.



watch gamal, his sister, Audrey and their friends on youtube. they've covered a lot of songs and written some originals. just search for gamaliel. absolute love!

hati pedih

kadang kala ada aku terfikir yang kita semua bina harapan hanya untuk dimusnahkan. tidak kira setinggi mana harapan, sebanyak mana keringat diperlukan , akhirnya harapan itu akan musnah juga.

paling memedihkan, apabila keyakinan yang tinggi telah diletakkan bersama. dengan keyakinan itu, kita menyemai harapan yang semakin lama akan tampak semakin mudah dicapai.

semakin hampir kita dengan harapan itu, semakin sukar kita menggapainya. tiba suatu saat, harapan itu hilang.

pedih, apabila keyakinan hancur bersama harapan.

dan itulah kehidupan; saat kita mengumpul kembali semangat dan keyakinan untuk membina harapan baru.

yang pesimis dan optimis sepakat: itulah hidup.

sing with your body

nice to watch how people interpret songs and translate them into dance. here's a good example from So You Think You Can Dance.

things that tickle

one of my favourite comic relief in high school, the Kelsey Grammer Sketch Show. haha. here's a short one.

realiti negara aku 1

dalam beberapa hari ni, ada satu dua perkara yang buat aku berfikir. (selalu juga aku berfikir sebenarnya, tapi kali ni heavyload punya haha). dalam entri ni, aku cuma ingin kongsi satu perkara sahaja: realiti setempat.

apa maksud aku? mudah je, aku bercakap tentang status quo di Malaysia ni.

mengapa aku menulis dalam bahasa melayu? kerana aku tak tahu berbahasa cina mahupun tamil (satu lagi isu). dan aku tidak berbahasa inggeris kerana aku tidak mahu mat salleh2 sedunia membuat andaian terhadap negara aku bila membaca entri ini, apabila realitinya mereka tidak tahu pucuk pangkalnya.

hari ini aku nak membuahkan pendapat tentang cara-cara menguasai sesuatu negara. ada tiga cara utama, tapi aku akan hanya bincangkan yang pertama dahulu.

1. Ekonomi

aku tahu kau tahu tentang ini. dan realitinya memang distribusi hasil ekonomi di negara ini tidak selaras antara kaum-kaum yang ada. tiada kaum yang dipersalahkan di sini, cuma sejarah dan penjajah. berdasarkan sejarah, penjajah British telah mengamalkan dasar "divide and conquer", iaitu meletakkan sesuatu kaum di kawasan-kawasan tertentu bagi mengelakkan kebersatuan menentang propaganda mereka. dan secara "tidak sengaja", mereka menempatkan kaum cina di kawasan bandar, melayu di ladang, dan india di estet.

secara automatis, bandar menjadi pusat perdagangan dan perniagaan yang justeru menjadi metropolis bagi segala transaksi kewangan. di sini telah terbukti betapa sejarah memainkan peranan penting dalam membantu kaum cina membangun dengan pesat. hasil ladang kaum melayu di jual dengan harga borong di bandar-bandar ini dan kemudiannya dijual semula dengan harga komersial oleh orang-orang cina di sini.

masih tiada kaum yang dipersalahkan, aku hanya menyusun fakta.

dari sini, kaum cina telah jauh meninggalkan kaum melayu dalam menjana ekonomi. kaum india masih bekerja di estet dan juga jauh ketinggalan.

fast forward ke masa sekarang. siapa menguasai 80% ekonomi negara?

dunia hari ini berhambakan wang dan material. tanpa wang, tidak banyak yang boleh dilakukan. yang baik akan menjadi jahat. dengan wang, yang haram itu dihalalkan.

lantas kita bersetuju yang duit itu raja (aku tidak bersetuju, tentu sekali, tetapi itulah realiti. fahaman freemason yang sungguh berleluasa), jadi kita aplikasikan pada keadaan negara sekarang.

dengan wang, segalanya jadi. dengan wang, orang melayu dibeli (aka rasuah, kalau blur). bila ada duit, kau boleh arah, kau boleh dictate. contoh situasi, kaum cina nak upgrade sekolah mereka dengan kelengkapan ICT terkini, tetapi mendapat sedikit saja bantuan kewangan dari kerajaan. dengan adanya ibu bapa yang berpendapatan tinggi, mereka mengumpul wang PIBG dan menggunakan wang tersebut untuk upgrade. orang tidak boleh berkata apa-apa kerana itu adalah duit mereka. jika pun anak-anak mereka tidak pandai, mereka mempunyai wang untuk menghantar anak mereka ke tuisyen dan menjadikan mereka pandai.

dengan adanya wang, mereka tidak perlu mengharapkan dana kerajaan atau biasiswa (yang lazimnya di khusukan untuk pelajar-pelajar melayu) untuk menghantar anak mereka ke luar negara untuk lanjutkan pelajaran. secara kontrasnya, masih banyak lagi keluarga melayu yang hanya kais pagi makan pagi. hendal membeli buku latih tubi pun tidak lepas.

aku malas berhujah panjang, kau faham apa yang aku maksudkan. aku rumuskan:

wang itu raja. justeru siapa yang menguasai wang, dia lah raja. tanya balik diri sendiri, siapa yang pegang duit/ekonomi negara kita sekarang ni? jadi, siapa tuan, siapa hamba?

such great depths

ah,
you think you've felt everything there is that your heart can feel.
but no, it will soon prove you wrong.
like it did me.

your heart is a crystal -
a prism that absorbs and reflects;
multiple sides, with layers of strong particles.
different lights injected at different sides,
will shoot different kinds of light out.

you think you know your anger,
your joy, your grim.
but no, you dont know them all too well.
you think you do, but they may surprise you.
they play games with you.

redemption song

"Music is a vehicle.." - Marley

i wish i had existed during Marley's lifetime. i wish i can watch him perform live!

updated 22/01/10: what a coincidence! just as i was thinking of this song lately, Rihanna sang this song on Oprah for the Haiti Relief. great minds think alike! haha. and thanks to nadtash for telling me about this :) to watch, click here.

things i learn (or not) in class 2

had asian lit class today. it was, stuffy, i must say. but thats what i've been feeling most of the times lately, as i have three literature subjects this semester. i think literature classes that are teacher-centred tend to make me suffocate as i cant express my views. and these type of lecturers cant accept radical alternatives than those they've had embedded in their minds for yonks.

and so whats the point in studying literature in this case?

arent literature supposed to affect different people differently? if so, how is it that we cant have varying opinions and our own individual take on a piece of literature?

i've been thinking to myself, i need to say something or i'll explode coz of information over-load.
and also, damn three-hour lit classes; they should be banned! how can someone stand sitting in the same spot for that long and PLUS a literature subject PLUS a teacher-centred kind of learning environment. i clearly couldnt!

i really like the literature subjects like super-duper like them, but if i ever get lecturers like that ever again i swear i might flunk it! and i dont want that to happen! so help me oh dear ol' lecturers! i am suffocating in your classes!!

to live is to die

i think, and it stemmed from you

that:

we were born to learn about life.

and through life we learn about death.

saw the Mona Lisa smile

i went out today. it was a happy day as i finally get to see the Leonardo Da Vinci exhibition at the pusat sains negara. went to see it with cruiserguy (as mojax cant make it..he'd rather be in genting. your loss! hehe) and met sherry ventig who worked part-time there.

we saw pretty much most of the da vinci's inventions (i dont know if all of them were exhibited there), and i have to say im very impressed. although cruiserguy decided to prove that da vinci's not so great after all, i still think he's got something genius. haha.

anyways, we got a little bit of that da vinci charm as we managed to solve the 'bridge' challenge. we had to remake a replica of a bridge that da vinci designed using sticks that came in two different lengths. we breezed through it like it was nobody's business and even took photos with it.

by that time, the place had to be closed. sherry brought us to hartamas and had food and discussed about all serious stuff possible to be talked about over food. it was headache fun, as it got pretty serious but i was sort of relieved to be able to feel comfortable talking about those shits with these people.

overall, i got to meet Mona Lisa face-to-face (in the painting lahh) and her gaze still followed me back. her smile, remains a mystery.

lonely people vs loners

lonely people

they need someone or something to make them feel not lonely. they are often insecure and need reassurance. they lack attention and crave for it. they require TLC and prolly someone to tend to them. they want to be loved and to love. they need other people to be around them. but generally, it's more of an emotional thing.

the remedy: to have someone who would care, love and understand them.


loners

they just want to be alone. they are most of the times independant people. they can be individualistic and are entitled to their own values and desires. it is not impossible for these people to be in a relationship, but they need a lot of space. also through the alternative view, although they may go out in groups or hang out at crowded places, they can still be loners. loners are normally alone by choice made consciously. hence, they would unlikely feel lonely.

the remedy: realization that human beings are interdependant. and prove that they can't possibly dig their own graves.

heavy boots

you wear those heavy boots again
dragging your great companions;
they who brought you wherever.

entering the nucleus of the march
of them the wearer of heavy boots;
they who left you to manouver.

to follow, be followed and to follow
you witness yourself being stamped;
with those who fall with you together.

you plead to be freed and let go
to finally be bare-footed in hard soil;
that you'll continue to walk miles after.

things i learned in class

in Mr. Arif's contemp literature lesson yesterday. i learned one thing:

"in every relationship, somebody, somehow has gotta sacrifice".


and i learned a quote, by J.P. Sartre:

"Hell, is everyone else".


i love going to class. it is the things out of the books; the life experiences that i can get from coming.

hanging on

i realized i like to hang on to things. old text messages, yellowed letters and random notes from high school. cassettes that can no longer be used, receipts, newspaper cuttings, ornaments from long-gone festivities, envelopes..

to me these things bear a certain resonance. they have memories of their own. they help me remember details that i cant, or might lose someday.

as time goes by, i'll continue keeping the things i feel would help me walk the path of the past. especially for later on in life.

i'm ready

the song: a perfect representation of how I am feeling right now.

1. tired of the year 2009. very rocky. there are Ups, but there are more Downs.

2. happy that 2010 is coming - so I get to start on a clear slate.

3. also simultaneously sad, as last year of uni life is about to end.

4. on second thought, i really peeved 2009. if 2009 were to be a tangible thing, i would burn it and the ashes i would throw in the deepest sea.

5. on another second thought, i really can't wait for 2010 to come, despite self-doubts and other major worries.

p/s: i'm ready for 2010; coming in 4 days!

your walk

the walk was andante. it was steady, but somehow you felt racy; like you were restraining yourself from walking too fast and ended up leaning forward. you cannot wait to get to the destination you were supposed to be at. and the wristwatch you were wearing was evidence of your miscalculations of time and therefore you were late. everything was pushing you. you were supposed to be running, or at least taking huge steps; you should be worried, perspired, heaved.


but your facial canvas is blank. your stride is paced. well, you have everything in your mind.

you look strangely calm. but only you know the chaos in your head.

your mind is racy, it is running, it is miscalculating.

but you remain calm.. because you have to.

and so you take that walk. and your walk is andante.

"When sorrows come, they come not single spies,

But in battalions!"

- W. Shakespeare