words..

..are sometimes better left unsaid. Here, the video shows how each actions are linked through the words used to describe it, without saying the words.



WORDS from Everynone on Vimeo.

If you get, you get it. If you don't, watch it again until you do.

menjadi aku

Aku bukanlah seorang anak yang mithali, atau sent from heaven, jauh sekali dari itu. Aku tidak sebaik anak orang lain, yang mengikut kata ibu dan ayah, serta rajin menolong keluarga. Kadang-kala, aku bersikap individualistik dan mementingkan diri. Aku selalu berasakan bahawa aku layak bergaul dengan sesiapa yang aku mahu, dan pergi ke mana yang aku hendak, dan melibatkan diri dalam aktiviti-aktiviti yang aku rasa menarik.

Aku kini sudah lebih dua dekad hidup di dunia yang semakin lama semakin ganas dan menakutkan. Aku faham sikap ibu bapa yang semakin memperketat household rules hanya atas alasan tersebut, namun apakan daya, aku sememangnya seorang yang rebel, sama seperti anak-anak muda yang lain.

Namun, se'rebel-rebel' aku pun, aku masih menjalankan tanggungjawab yang perlu sebagai anak dan kakak. Cuma ada ketika aku perlu bersendirian atau menyimpan beberapa perkara pada diri sendiri sahaja dan tidak mahu ibu bapa mengetahui kerana merasakan seperti tidak perlu sebenarnya.

Terkadang aku kecewa apabila dituduh melakukan perkara-perkara yang aku tidak buat. Secara umum dan relatif, aku pandai menjaga diri sendiri, dan sememangnya ibu bapaku melakukan perkara yang baik dalam mendidik dan membesarkan aku.

Tadi berlaku suatu insiden yang agak tidak diingini dan aku belajar sesuatu. Aku belajar memahami apa yang ibu dan bapaku rasai apabila sesuatu seperti itu terjadi. Dan sesungguhnya amat pasti sekali aku tidak ingin merasai perkara yang sama apabila aku mempunyai anak sendiri di masa akan datang.

Kini aku faham, dan pastinya tidak akan berulang lagi. Aku kesal dengan diri sendiri dan akan memaksa diri untuk lebih sensitif dan understanding kelak.

Sorry, ibu and ayah. I won't do it again.

cuba kau

cuba kau berdiri di tapak bulan

dan kemudian lihat ke bumi

nampakkah kau aku? 

cuba kau kira ribuan jarak 

bulan ke bumi itu

begitu jauhkah aku?

cuba kau bayangkan

bumi tanpa bulan

itukah aku?

never perfect

On a generally fine day. And not just any day - it's the Hari Raya.

Mom walked in and gasped quite loudly "What is that on your forehead?!" and pointed her index to me.

I replied "It's a..uh.." as I scanned my forehead with my fingers ".. a zit"

"On Hari Raya?! Everybody wants to look their best on Hari Raya..but not you. You always have to go spoil something for yourself!"

Uhh okay, it's not like I can stop it from erupting. I was just too lazy to give a comment so I turned to leave.

Until..

"..nak pergi mana tuh?! come here, put some concealer, and dab some powder. This thing (the aforementioned zit) you must press when dia dah masak, and don't use your hands it will become a scar!!" mom said while dabbing some powder on my face.

Somehow, I felt 6 again. Mom used to put powder on my face before I go to school everyday during my kindie years.

And the worst thing happened, on that generally fine day, that is the Hari Raya.

"..you must buy a concealer when we get back to KL. It saves you in this situa..hey. Are you crying?" mom asked me, quizzically.

In fact, I was. But..

"Uh..no. Kenapa pula nak menangis?"

Mom looked at me with the I'm-not-buying-this-bs-you're-selling-me-face and yes, I cracked. It was so easy I could've been a good tali barut for the Japs for when they come to Malaya and posed that shitland occupation.

"Erm.. teringat masa kecik-kecik when you used to comb my long hair *choke tears* and put powder on my face before I go to tadika.."

Emo as hell. So blardy stewpidd, and yes, say that again.

Mom broke into a smile; a mix of happy and nostalgic.

"Yes..Ibu ingat. You had very very long hair and it curled at the end. You were such a good girl. But now so stubborn, keras kepala! Always want to rebel, entah kenapa.."

"Sorry, I'm not perfect. Tak suka dunia sekarang, benci, banyak orang jahat. They made me become like this. Ha ha"

"Of course! Mana ada orang perfect. You too, are never perfect, never. But we (my parents) love you still..always always always..ok?"

Well, ok I guess, as long as you don't make me wear any of those big flower printed clothes anymore, or flashy shoes, especially for special occasions.

So yes, moral of the story, and in reference to my previous post, I am being sappy. I am sappy and I don't necessarily like it. But I am embracing it. And it is only a phase. I will not always be sappy (only under certain circumstances when it's cool and normal to be sappy) and I shall return to my more cooler and put-togethered self very soon.

Sappy is just a phase.
Don't do this at home (in the presence of your mom)

"Mothers are all slightly insane"

- J. D. Salinger, Catcher in the Rye

it is jingling in the jang

There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart. 

- Melanie Griffith

Lately I've been feeling quite sappy. Ah it's the mood, the silver crescent with a sparkling star on top, the almost invisible wind, the everything. Hari Raya, weddings, meeting family and friends and really spending time catching up with their lives - noticing again those familiar smiles and different rings of their laughters, watching emotionally destructive chick flicks (?) and really knocking myself out with the surrealisms of ideal love stories, listening to men crying out to their bellas in love songs and all that jaggedy jazz. 

Oh what have I done to myself.

Sappy, I like sappy. It's good for my health. I'd rather be sappy than be depressed. 

I like looking at wedding photos. I will always be one to pester newly married cousins for their albums and extra ornaments from their weddings (what the fudge? I'm sick)

I really really like looking at people putting on make up - doing the things they do with the eyelashes and lips and putting colors on their faces, I like to see people do their hair (although I had a rather weird experience with the hair of my Barbie dolls. yes I own some, even limited edition ones. but they're all dead and ruined now in Doll underworld)

I especially love weddings; I even love the intricate, tiring and taxing parts of it. I will help out with just about anything it's insane. I will sit quietly (and quite creepily to some people) in a corner and admire the bride or groom from afar. I will shed some tears during the solemnization ceremony and pretend that something got into my eyes so that nobody would know. 


I will imagine how the parents would feel letting their daughters go. I will go help give out bunga telur, I would become an impromptu DJ (I had to do it once for a cousin, and took the kompang music from youtube as she didn't rent any kompang groups. genius), I would go have a feisty discussion with the caterer about some lauk pauk to get extra food top-up, and yes, the list goes on.

You can bet I would need a really good water-proof mascara on my wedding day coz I will cry a river and be all emotional, and I will switch to being ecstatic like a laughing madman that I need a straight-jacket. 

Why was I talking about weddings again? Shite.

you are mr.nobody to every one else, so why bother?

There are times when you sit on your own - at an alfresco coffee house, or at a bus station just waiting to get home, or just some place where you can remove yourself from the hustle and bustle of the crowd and the white noise of chatters and sounds, feeling a little bit too adult - just wishing that you could live in a place where you will not be bound by the expectant society, consumerism, freemason (hah!) and pre-determined roles of life.

You did not ask to be born, and yet you have no choice but to live. Thus, when I come to think of it, how much of a personal right do I have as a person really? I should get more than I am getting now, definitely. It is unfair how everything seems to 'shape' me into living the life I am living today.

To what extend am I able to make a decision without having to take into consideration the million aspects like family, other people, religion (sorry, just for argument's sake), expectations and all that gunk?

I wonder, what kind of a person I would be if I were not bound by all these margins and molds.. would I be better than I am today, or worse?

I remembered a film I watched which was a huge Life lesson ever - Mr. Nobody (starring Jared Leto) which truly entails the theme of Life and Choices, which always got me thinking that each and every second of my breathing being is a decision point. Life is a series, or a dotted-line, of decision-making moments. And the big whopping question here: Who makes the decisions? Who connects the dots?

Me.

I chose to write this post. I chose to type these words and letters. I chose to switch on my night lamp. I chose to not close my room door. I chose to wear this pajamas. I chose to sit like this and not like that. I chose to not be upstairs watching telly with my brother. I chose to go to Uni. I chose to befriend them and not the others. I chose to like and hate. I chose to buy. I chose to wear. I chose to fall in love. I chose to be hurt. I chose to take action. I chose to say something. I chose not to say anything. And sometimes, I chose not to choose.

I was the one who made the decisions every time I have to make one in my life. Every second, I approved of my own actions, and I made a conscious or non-conscious gesture of 'choosing' something, anything. Either ways, even if I ended up not doing anything, or saying anything, I still did choose.

Which brings us to my ultimate point, about why life is unfair and the fact that I have so little say about how I live my life. Of course, at every point, there will be people and factors influencing our choices. Like this Hari Raya, I didn't like the kain for my kebaya, but my mom insisted that it was jaw-dropping and I looked lovely wearing it. I wouldn't in a million years have bought it if I was shopping on my own. But words from my mom made me buy it.


You see, it seems as if I was pushed into buying the kain, and I was pushed into wearing something unlike myself, but truth is, it was my choice. I made that decision of submitting to my mother, and choosing to fight back only a little as opposed to strictly disagreeing and sticking to my own fashion sense. I chose to try it on and make her persuade me more, even though I knew I didn't like it the first time I laid eyes on it.

So yes, moral of the story is that it would really be unfair to yourself if you do not realize from now that whatever events that took place in your life were all hand-picked by you and no one else.

If you feel like going for a bungee-jump but your best friend made you feel awful by saying that you might die hanging upside down, which was actually coz he/she was scared to do it him/herself, stop a second and slap yourself in the face. Try to remind yourself again, that if you don't do that jump, you may regret it and worst, you can't blame your bestfriend for telling you otherwise, but you have yourself to be blamed. You made that decision to listen to him/her. In simple equation, you chose not to do the jump, and if you regret it, you can only blame yourself.

Even if you did die hanging while doing the bungee jump, you still can't blame your bestfriend, because you chose not to listen to him/her when he/she asked you not to do it. haha!

Therefore, now that you know whatever you do, you only have yourself to blame and answer to, don't you feel rather good actually? I do feel good when I think about things that way, it made everything much clearer. In fact, it has made me more fearless as I feel that I can't really screw up if I am the only person that I am responsible to.

So next time you're in a rut, trying to figure out how to win a battle of your desires versus others', look at it from this perspective!

roger and out.


ps: Selamat Hari Raya :)

2011 on the line

I have no idea why, but right now, I am so very sure of what I will (or want to) be doing next year. In fact, I have a definite, specific plan. There are a few things I want to do. Not big things, but they are small and will be meaningful to me. The only thing is the execution part. Dammit. I haven't got that figured out.

Ah heck, I have nothing to lose and the worst thing that can happen is prolly that I won't be able to get things going according to my plans. But at least I know I tried. I might hate myself, but that I'll deal with later. All I know now is (almost) nothing (except for a few things) can stop me.

carpe diem.
(-the Dead Poets Society)

Where is Malaysia?

How much more do you think people notice/know/have heard of Malaysia than Slovenia? (Kidding. hehe. re: Paulo Coelho's Veronika Decides to Die)

Though people may have their own ideas of what and where you are,

you are always one to me: home

Happy Independence Day, Malaysia

Here's to you:

Song: Made in Malaysia

By: Roots N Boots

everyday is the first day of my life

"Don't know where I am, where I've been; but I know where I want to go"

song: First Day of My Life
by: Bright Eyes

a note to remind myself

i just want to write this down so i wont forget.


the wrinkles at the corners of your eyes when you smile
the expression right before you burst into laughter
your imperfect teeth
the soulful gaze
your cheekbones
the way you adjust your wristwatch
the childish jokes
the way you try to play along with my jokes
your passion for food
your passion for me
your passion




on second thought:


your weird neck
your hair when it's combed to the back
your attachment to your past
the expectations you have of me
the secrets you shed
the annoying way you walk when you're sad
the way you always choose where to eat
your passion to fight
how you talk to me when you're tired
the way you're always distracting me
the horrible things that come to mind when i think of you
just the thought of you

if you think my life is fabulous, please read.

Life has gotten monotonous these days; I almost forgot what I always do for fun. I mean, it's not like my life is a total bore that I can just sleep through it; it's just that somehow, it has become quite a routine. You know, work and what more it's the Ramadhan, I pretty much do the same things everyday:

Wake up, work, go home, break fast, go to mosque for tarawikh, go home, watch tv, sort laundry, sleep. and repeat from beginning.

But who am I to complain, I know I should be grateful. People in North Korea can't even watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians like I can. (it's not like they miss anything haha)

So yeah, thought I'd spice it up a bit and decided to go to the Filmmakers Anonymous 13 just now. I was supposed to go for tarawikh at a friend's house (her dad had some mosque-mates to come and have a mass prayer with food etc), but none of my other friends are going, and I'm quite segan to go coz I was already running late (it was 8.36pm), so I didn't go.

And I went to the Annexe at 9pm. Holy shit, you know, I just realized Central Market is so much like Detroit - it's possibly like one of those ghetto districts you see in the movies. I have been there late at night a few times before, but that was with my neighbour and he sort of took care of me. Other times, I was with my friends. I have to say, when you are alone there, you can feel shading eyes following you until you actually leave their sight.

But I couldn't care less. I brisked through the whole whistling and teasing commotion and reached there safely whilst munching on my Keropok Rota I bought at the news vendor. When I reached there, the event started; I think by that time they've shown about 2 short films.

The Invigilator was awesome. That was my fave. It was about how a male teacher used his students to get a female teacher to go out for a drink with him. Cool stuff. The others were experimentative in a good way, and some are just bland.

I sat next to one of the filmmakers without realizing it, and I felt so embarassed coz there were a few times when I was all like "And that's how they end the story?" or "I seriously don't get the part in the LRT" and he was saying things like "Yeah, that's probably a symbolism of some kind" and "I know, I don't really get it too" for the sake of agreeing with a stranger, I supposed.

The most horrifying thing was when I made a remark about something and he nodded his head vigorously saying "Mm-hmm, yeap, the guys who did this are really trying to be smart" and I later found out that it was actually his film! Shite-ness!

But after the whole Q&A session, I sheepishly apologized and he said it was ok and that he actually appreciated my frank opinion *blush* So I guess, that's settled. haha!

And for tomorrow, I might be breaking fast with some friends (that should be fun) and then attend a poetry reading. Hopefully I get chosen to be one of the jury else I'd be a lame a** audience, coz I ain't gonna read my sh*t up there.

Also for the time being, I will at least have something to look forward to: Penang Trip with colleagues!

Cheerios! (nope, I was not influenced by Glee)

how efficient are you?

wisemen say, those who are efficient, are the ones who piss, shit and fart all at the same time.

well, i am nearly there.

is there such a thing as a straight hook?

this song gives me the strange feeling of walking in subways and just recording my every day life. also reminds me of getting myself into innocent troubles. random? ditto.





ah i just generally miss ska-nking. need to break a sweat; should leave all this bs and go fly for coachella or glastonbury! (you know, i might just do that..just have to figure out how..*mind working*)


song: Love Tunnel
by: Crookedhook

when all we need to do is to keep breathing

This is my most favourite scene from Grey's Anatomy, ever.

Over-whelming; you literally feel emotions spilling over as the result of the unability to contain it. Great, great script and acting, filled with lessons of life.
song: Keep Breathing (listen to the full song here)
by: Ingrid Michaelson

I Don't Care

girls need to teach boys a lesson; they've been naughty!



"act like you don't care, and they come springling back like rubber band!"
(from the film Angus, Thongs, and Perfect Snogging).

Well, if that's how they learn, why not? Haha.

song: I Don't Care
by: 2ne1 (pronounced as 'twenny one')

Report Ramadhan [Part 1]

Bercakap tentang bulan Ramadhan, tentunya pelbagai perkara berenang-renang di minda penganut agama Islam; solat tarawikh, zakat fitrah, morikh, malam tujuh likur, peringatan terhadap insan-insan yang memerlukan, "cleansing of the soul", proses penyahtoksidaan badan, main bunga api dan sebagainya.

Tetapi, ada satu lagi perkara yang paling signifikan apabila tibanya bulan Ramadhan iaitu: waktu berbuka.

Nah, tentu sekali apabila memikirkan waktu berbuka, kita terus diperingatkan kepada Pasar-pasar juadah yang bertebaran diseluruh pelusuk Malaysia. Pelbagai hidangan dan juadah berlegar-legar dalam kotak fikiran. Antara juadah terkenal tatkala tiba bulan yang mulia ini: Roti John, Murtabak, Ayam Perchik, Kerabu, Ikan Bakar, Air Warna-Warni-Banyak-Perwarna, Air Tebu, Tau Foo Fa, dan sejuta muka surat lagi kalau saya nak senaraikan. Semuanya berkelip-kelipan seperti lampu-lampu neon di Las Vegas: "Sirap" "Laksa Johor" "Murtabak Singapura" "Beli Satu Percuma Dua".

Apakan daya, setiap kali aku pergi untuk membeli "satu benda je hari ni, promise", aku akan akhirnya membawa pulang sekurang-kurangnya 3 beg plastik (dah la tak eco-friendly, haish). Mesti ada saja hasutan perut yang meronta-ronta meminta diisi.

Pasar juadah, atau nama lainnya dan lebih komersil, Bazaar Ramadhan, adalah tempat yang harus dikunjungi tiap kali ingin membeli makanan untuk berbuka. Walaupun sunnah Nabi adalah berbuka dengan sebiji buah tamar serta air zam zam, namun rakyat Malaysia lazimnya rakus meng'attack' pasar juadah berdekatan rumah mereka membawa dompet dan payung dalam misi pencarian lauk-pauk dan kuih-muih untuk berbuka pada hari-hari tersebut.

Lebih rakus adalah apabila kita pergi ke pasar juadah bersama rakan taulan, sanak-saudara, adik, kak long, abang usu, mama dan papa, tok nek, jiran dan sebagainya, yang mempunyai pelbagai selera yang berlainan. Jadi apabila seseorang ingin membeli sesuatu (dan mulanya anda tiada niat untuk membeli), anda akan rasa terpengaruh dengan bau makanan itu (dan membayangkan kelazatannya di dalam minda) dan akhirnya menyerah kalah dan membeli sebungkus. Ish, ish. Apakah semua ini?! Pasar juadah ini semua propaganda semata!! (ehem)

Dan rentetan itu, waima Pasar juadah di Malaysia ini adalah yang terbaik di dunia sekali pun, jangan disangkal bahawa apa yang penting, tujuan kita berpuasa. Ini bukanlah sekadar picisan, malahan berpuasa ini bersebab, dan darsa warsa ini, kita semakin mengambil remeh akan hal ini. Berpuasalah dengan ikhlas, semoga saya juga mengambil iktibar. Sekian.

Selamat berpuasa dan beramal kepada semua umat Islam :)

Ter'haru'

Song: Haru Haru

By: BIG BANG

Yes, I have K-Pop fever, gimme a break.

hari ini aku

g e m b i r a 

ingin menulis dengan banyak

pernah tak ada perasaan macam ingin menulis dengan kadar yang sangat banyak? seperti ingin menulis, menulis dan menulis tanpa henti? seolah-olah semua perkataan-perkataan yang bakal ditulis dapat meleraikan kekeliruan yang terbuku di minda, dan semua yang telah tertulis menghapuskan setiap jejak sejarah?

dengan harapan semoga apabila menulis, hati yang bergelora ini dapat kembali tenang? semoga dengan rantaian perkataan yang menjadi ayat-ayat akan memperjelas arah yang perlu dituju?

aku sedang berasa seperti itu.

start again

You think a lot about
the regrets and the doubts
Just walk down the path
No need to do the math

I will wait at the end
to meet you and to mend
all the broken things
that's worth remembering

All the sticks and stones
the flesh and the bones
We'll light up the fire
of our passion and desire

And maybe start again
washing out the taint
writing a new chapter
of life together