Matters of a Heart

Saw a real heart with my eyes today.

I also saw it stop beating.

It made me think: it's just an organ.

But an organ so powerful, that people can't live without.

Magic Eraser

I want a Magic Eraser, or rather I need one.

This eraser is made especially to erase every single memory that you wouldn't want to ever recall again.

It is angular in shape which makes it easy for you to pick a particular point in your life, a moment, whatever, and erase just that.

I probably need to do a lot of erasing, and it's not easy when I am such a sentimentalist. I hoard memories, keepsakes. I hold on to things (too much, sometimes).

I hate the past. As of this moment.


p/s: I like making mistakes http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/vaster-emptiness-achieved/

Brighter Days

In My Way

It rained, out of the blue.

We all thought it was going to be sunny all day; as the morning sun looked promising.

So we hung endless row of clothes, socks, underwear on pegs; dusted all the shoes, carpets.. whatever that is in need of a greeting sun.

And then it rained, and I was left alone to bring all of that in. By the end, I was soaked.

I thought, Why must it rain? Why?

And then I thought again:

Why not?


So I ran into the heavy rain that was pounding on my skin and just stood there. It's just water anyway.

I haven't played in the rain since I was a kid and have mucus hanging from my nose. This should be good.

And I stood there for God-knows how long; with eyes closed and letting the stinging coldness of possible acid rain simmer in to my flesh.

I loved it. Refreshing.

While the beat of millions by millions of raindrops stomping on surface entertain my ears, I recalled the overtly famous Malay proverb:

Kusangka panas hingga ke petang, rupanya hujan di tengahari.


Like life, things happen unexpectedly. Things happen unplanned. And like that Carly Rae Jepsen song "Call Me Maybe".. all I did was throw a wish in the well, and now you're in my way.

In This Moment

Just sitting in a neighbourhood cafe; flirting with this sexy whipcream they put atop of my mocha.

Looking around at the amount of strangers who are apparently not at work, and listening to music.

Can this be the life?

What? Isn't this what people do when they're alone and bored? Hehe.

Ok, currently, this very moment, soundtrack of my life would be: 

Cigarette Burns by Flunk

Funky tune, and a girl with a dimple. What's not to love?

One Morning

Una Mattina by Ludovico Einaudi

Saw a French film recently, Intouchables - it was amazing. Not so much of the technicalities or visual aesthetics (although yes, the background is Paris), but it was just the simple, clean-cut story line.



I think somehow, what made it a good film was the fact that it has the resonance of "realness". Intouchables was based on a true story, and I will not spoil it here, but do watch if you can.

Throughout the entire film, I remembered listening to only two kinds of background music:
1) Songs by Earth, Wind and Fire 
2) Songs by Ludovico Einaudi


I instantly fell in love with the piano solo by Ludovico Einaudi. Repeated the end credit over and over just to listen to Una Mattina.


Una Mattina is translated as One Morning.

Mermaid

Mermaid by Yuna

Someone Out of Town

Someone Out of Town by Yuna

It Will Happen

What I've learned through time:

It doesn't matter what people say or think, you'll only believe the things you want to believe.

I don't have everything; the success package. But I have relentless courage, and endless optimism.

And I believe, it will happen. It will happen.

Amin.

6 Things I Do Everyday

I spend every single day doing these things:

1) Work

2) Sleep

3) Eat

4) Personal hygiene

5) TV

6) Missing you

Shallow Insight on Things

Toilets - they are one of the most important facilities in our lives, and yet under-appreciated. My favourite toilet, is surprisingly, not the one in my home which I often use. But in fact, it is the one in my ex-office (the advertising company I worked at before). It has the appropriate amount of width and height; space around the toilet bowl for you to swing both your hands around in cases of "boredom", and the most important factor for me: absolute white. The entire four sides of the toilet cubicle is so white that when you stare into any of the sides for long enough, it almost seem endless. You feel like you're floating in space. I get high every time I sit in that toilet - to do my business, or to think. Also, the toilet is always, always dry. Ahh, the little things in life.

You're an Island

Island by Yuna

TMI

I feel like there's too much information out there that I just suffocate myself at the end of every process of trying to dive my nose in and swallow it all.

There are so many things that I don't want to know, but I found out, coz they are there in the open.

I don't want to know things I don't want to know; I don't want to read about them, see them, or talk about them in conversations just coz both you and me got to know about it, although we both feel it's not something we would want to know and talk about.

And the sources; it's unbelievable how you can be blamed for not knowing a certain piece of information because all the available forms of communication and resources subjected you to a responsibility to know everything, even without your full consent.

Working in the news room, I feel like I know so many unnecessary things; but I need to dig in through all the shitty stories to uncover gems - important news.

I need to develop thicker filter, be more selective.

By the end of every day, I spend a good hour just staring into space all by myself to detox my brain, empty my recycle bin.

Tired of information. The world is TMI.

I will explode and pieces of my brain will splatter across this screen. Oh sorry, TMI.

Even Though I'm A Woman

Even Though I'm A Woman by Seeker Lover Keeper

Every single word.

Shake Yo Bootay

On the Arrow.

At this age, I am nowhere close to where I should be; at least not by my own standards. I cried, the night of my 24^th birthday last December. Don’t start about owning a car and a house; I haven’t even gotten a Master’s Degree like I planned to.

I’m sure this is one of the many life lessons I’m supposed to learn from – that none of your plans will go accordingly. I hit so many road blocks, that I’m starting to think this process of maturity is hindering me from actually getting there.

But of course, nothing wrong with that if you’re an optimist, you know it’s going to turn out fine for you at the end of the day, no matter what.  Maybe you’re just tired of waiting for things to be alright – at the expense of time, especially when you’re not getting younger.  And I’m an impatient person.

If life is the ocean, I’d definitely be in the middle of it; just floating and drifting without a life jacket, not seeing a glimpse of where the end of it is, not the beach, not a boat, not even an island, looking up at the sky, and not even knowing the end of that either.  And most importantly, not knowing the day I would give up and just drown to death.

I hope at least five years from now, when I look back at this post, and think how ridiculous I was for worrying too much. How stupid to even think I would drown and not make it out alive.

But for now, I feel like I’m on the arrow; I feel a sense of the motion, I feel like something is bringing me somewhere, but I have no idea where the arrow would hit, and if it’s the target I was aiming for.

Zen-tastic!

I think that it's true, how you actually become calmer as you grow older. I'm a very emotional person, in the sense that I react heavily to how I feel at any particular moment. And I will react in the most extreme ways. I never am just happy, I am ecstatic. I am never just sad, I am always devastated and heart-broken. I am all or nothing. So it's naturally a strain when I have to control how I feel and how I show my emotions to other people. But now, I think the hard rocks of life have shaped me to fit in the mild and average. I take deep breaths more than anything else now, and I view life with Zen-eyes. Hahaha. Well, life's a bitch. Either you become one yourself, or accept it the way it is.

The One Where I Worked Hard (and Whined)

Newsflash: I've got a new job now. Haha, and it's a challenging one! Never would have thought I'd be doing this (I kind of avoid it actually), but well, here I am. This is the pulse of the future, right here. Where the Happened, Happening and the About-to-Happen are.

I have a love/hate relationship with this new job so far. I either extremely love it, or hate it at one point. Stepping out a bit, I feel like I've been ranting so much about work in my blog recently. And I can hear non-existent readers doing the "aaaahhh not again!". Yes, work has consumed me unwillingly.

There's still the party spirit somewhere in here, not to fret :)

So yes, tomorrow's a big day for me. No, it's humongous. It's beyond my imagine. It's surreal that I would think this is a big deal, but it is. It really is.

I'm not saying you should understand what I'm talking about coz I'm being very vague here, but it's a GIANT deal for me, so just get a sense of that.

Tomorrow.

And I'm freaking out.

Also, I currently have two jobs. I'm so greedy for money when the only thing I need now is sleep, really. You're right, I need to prioritize:
1) Sleep 2) Some lovin' 3) Money

My daily routine involves work and taking a bath whenever I can. I've lost all form of authentic human contact and real conversations. I forgot what shopping feels like, I remember only vaguely the sensation of the sun spilling over my skin, I haven't even listened to music that much any more! :(

I work from 5am everyday and finish up around 12am.


************************************

Some headlines these past few weeks (coz I'm bad with mental notes):

1. Whitney Houston left us. RIP, you'll always be my favorite.
2. Sniffed the same air as Feist, M83 and other awesome people.
3. Got interviewed by Zack Yusof, the 33RPM guy on BFM 89.9
4. Met Zack again while we're both at work and he remembered me as "the Laneway Girl"
5. Bonded with parents at an amazing level.
6. Discovered that I am pretty masculine.
7. Badly missing some people.
8. Other things that has really left my memory trail (I'm sure it'll come back some time soon).


Special shoutout: Thank you Allah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulilah.

The One Where I Survived A Psycho

I have pretty much lived up to the expression "sun-kissed" now as I just got back from Singapore; where I spent an entire day and night outdoors in the scorching hot fiasco for the Laneways Festival. I'm not going to rub it in for you guys who didn't go (well not now at least, maybe in another post :p) but I can tell you getting sunburnt is really uncool.

Thing is, I'm already sort of tanned, so I don't really care about the color of my skin now, it's just the fact that I like to laugh-out-loud and now whenever I laugh or smile and stretch my cheeks it gets really painful! Not funny.

So that was quite a highlight for these few weeks. A really good weekend for someone who's been through what I went through for a very long time. Haha I'm so full of myself. But really, that was just a much needed breather in the middle of all the chaos.

Also, just wanted to give a shout out to my peeps, Limbo (hehe don't be mad Liyana, we're no bimbos. Ok sometimes) and Charlie V (whutt whutt!) for sticking around through some of my hardest times. Major low point right there.

Looking back just a couple of weeks ago, I didn't think I would survive. In fact, I was pretty sure I would commit in some poetic suicide at the balcony of my office building. But well, I soldiered on. What else is there to do, right? I was too scared to really kill myself, and I don't have the kidney to strangle my enemy's neck. Ok, so you spot the word "enemy" there. Haha. Really, I have never really hated anyone in my life. I maybe only dislike people, but I hate this one person.

This person has caused me sleepless nights, and on nights when I actually sleep, I get nightmares. She is a devil. And in the words of my friend, the "Devil Wears Bata". I couldn't do anything but to spend all my time thinking about the things she had done to me.

And so, as any heroic folk tales, the underdog finally arise. I was at the bottom for quite some time, and finally just did what I thought was right. And even though it didn't turn out in my favor, and made me really mad (I had smoke coming out of my ears like the cartoon you always watch), I pat myself in the back for actually doing what's right and needed to be done. I had many people who supported me, and last I heard, justice will be repaid in time. 

Honestly, it's like a rape case; where you never really expect it to happen, but it did, and you're caught in between making a police report and having to risk losing your dignity by letting the right people know or having nobody know about it but to still get raped and live in the shitty feeling that wrap you like a dark, stiff blanket.

Glad I made it out alive. It's a jungle out there guys. Not just any jungle, it's the Amazon. You kill to survive.

What Fate?

Being in a dark room is never helpful, especially when you're trying to be all sunshiny. What you can do is switch on the lights (duh), or leave the room.

So what do you do when you face a wall? Turn back? Well you can. Or you can also crash through it, or climb over it. Whatever catches your fancy. The point is, you don't have to be stuck looking at the wall forever. You can do something about it.

A wall will only be an obstacle if you view it that way. Other than that, it's just a friggin' wall.