And so, friends from all points of my life, age ranging around early to mid 20's are freaking out. Right now, this moment.
Why?
It's the wedding season, mate. (pun intended to connote 'mating')
They are beginning to feel like they are running out of time. They thought shit. I'm gonna grow old and wrinkly alone. Nobody'll be there to help wipe my ass
They worry. And panic.
And why is it exactly do I only refer to them and not me?
Before you start thinking that not only I am a feminist, but also an extremist of freedom and individual rights, let me tell you, I do want to get married.
And not just coz of the wonderments of the wedding, but also, really, for the marriage itself.
I may need a dude to clear the clogged pipes and trim the grass to my lawn. Haha nah, kidding guys. Now you must think I am a sexist.
At least, I don't think love is bullshit, although I know it is blind.
Hence, I can blindly marry a guy solely for his abs (though not my cuppa tea), or his assets (bodily and/or material), or his car.
Since love is blind, I might as well consider musicians, one hit wonder bandmembers, ex-junkies who have ambitions, poets, tortured artists, politicians, a few taxi drivers, hopeless romantics, arseholes, douches, jerks.
And my point (I swear i have a point), is that when you fall in love, with no matter who, you would definitely want to get married. Getting married, is sealing the deal.
And why I am not as enthusiastic nor panicky about rushing to find my mr.right-there-waiting-for-you and demand a ring is because of, well, probably the fact of how blind I can be when it comes to love.
From past records, whenever I rationalise about love, I don't get the guy. When I go ah suck it just go crazy, it works (for a while).
So girls and guys, let momma preach.
Falling in love is like house-hunting. When you've found the right property, you will straight-away start making plans. You will envision your future with the house; where to put your picture frames, is the lawn big enough for the kids to play,if the kitchen is suitable for stir-fry kind of cookings etc.
But let it be known, you haven't actually start living in the property, hence, it's all good at this stage.
Being in a relationship is the investing. You will invest a lot of time, money, energy. Things might get to you about the construction, but you will be calmed with the thought of your visions.
Then you get married. This is signing the contract. It comes with terms and conditions, and small prints that you may ignore. Once you signed, the house is yours.
And you start living together, building your family. It is in that house that you make babies and memories, nurturing the well-being of your partner and off-springs. This is like the maintenance of a house. As you go deeper in the marriage, you start noticing the things you should have read in the small prints. There will be leaking you need to repair in your relationship, cleaning up the house and the mistakes you made, realizing that the design of the house may not necessarily be or look the same as the initial plan you saw at the showroom, but making do with it because you have signed the deal.
Along the way, some may decide to move out; like getting a divorce. They may or may not remember the memories of the old house. Some move to a better home, some worse, smaller or bigger. Some live alone, some with a new family.
Those who do not want to remember the old house, they sell the contracts they signed earlier. Those who do, they cling to the remains of the contracts. Pieces of furniture may not be there anymore, they might want to refurbish the living room, where the family used to hang out.
But most couples live in the house for the rest of their lives, staying true to the deal. Making it through ordeals after ordeals, as strong as the oak tree in their garden.
Nutshell, love is not marriage, neither is marriage love.
Love is not only blind, but also vague and subjective. It can be developed. It is a talent.
But marriage is the real thing. Even with love as deep as the Atlantic ocean where Titanic sunk, some marriages do not last. Marriage requires skills - to work with/together. To know who's the top and bottom (excuse my bluntness), who's wearing the pants and apron. To understand the different roles one has to take and shift into fluidly.
It is no play, it is no game.
So marriage is not a matter of time, it is the matter of readiness. It is a matter of not only finding that person you want to sign the contract with, but also the person you want to live through countless pest controls, renovations and sewage repairs with.
Nutshell in a nutshell, you will get married when both of you are ready.
There's no necessity to panic or rush, just the necessity to learn to embrace the fact that time is relative to each and every person. Hence, I might get married anytime.
Could be in two years time, could be in five, could be tomorrow (that guy must be an ultra hunk if I decide to marry him tomorrow!).
Take your time. There are lots of houses out there for you to browse!
And oh, good luck :)
Monday, December 13, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
High on sniffing lavender
Today was an unusual weekend.
Everybody was home; me and my brother especially, since we are always out.
It was a rather pleasing one - serene.
On Friday morning, my dad had a huge outburst; that was the first time I saw him screamed in frustration. There were tears streaming, of angst and probably disappointment.
All of us just froze, and my mom just endlessly apologize for something she didn't do nor know why. She just figured apologizing may do the trick. None of us knew what to do.
None of us knew why my dad acted that way.
Apart of me felt like crying. It was as if 50years' worth of regrets boiled down to that moment, and it chose then to surface.
My dad looked really tired and his spirit, withered.
We stood there - all five of us, just stared at him. He was oblivious to our staring.
And then I went to work. I almost felt bad for having to leave, but I wouldn't want to arrive in the office just in time for lunch.
My dad did not speak to anyone. Until today.
Yesterday, he burned incense and the whole house smelt of lavender. Lavender helped to soothe him down. He is weird in little ways.
This morning, I woke up in a very different vibe. As if I have had the deepest sleep. I think I owe it to the incense. Felt like I had been sleeping in a temple.
I went out of the room to see it still burning. My parents were sitting in the kitchen having breakfast. I went straight outside in my pajamas and the smell of grass woke me officially.
I unlock the bicycle chain, and took a ride around the hills - yes, still in pajamas. Didn't even brush my teeth. But I felt fresh.
The Fixie didn't have any gears and so I became tired having to ride up the hill, and more people were out to jog. I didn't want to face any neighbors with morning breath so I headed home.
Brushed my teeth and went straight to the kitchen. Pancakes. Yum.
Saw my dad stared at me in a quizzical look, so I told him I went for a ride.
He suddenly just burst into laughter. Like a real laugh.
"you went and cycle in baju tidur and looking like that?!"
Yeah, apparently.
He continued to laugh.
Glad that made his day. And that it also returned my dad back to normalcy.
It wasn't until I finished my breakfast and went to the toilet to shower that I noticed my hair was a display of 'bed hair' gone literal. It was atrocious and an embarrassment. In fact,
it took on the shape of my pillow because the right side was extremely flat as compared to the i-just-got-electrocuted-look on the right side.
I looked like half Einstein half Legolas.
Somedays, I would just hate being me and would contemplate jumping off Penang Bridge (selected on purpose to show political representation)
But today, is not one of those days. In fact, I felt relieved for cracking my dad up.
Everyone was extremely sweet today. Mom didn't make a fuss about laundry, dad went on reading, brother washed the cars and rode. I practiced typing with my typewriter, sisters minded their own business.
Pleasant day.
And to what do we owe it to?
The incense. It was a great idea. Good job Dad.
Everybody was home; me and my brother especially, since we are always out.
It was a rather pleasing one - serene.
On Friday morning, my dad had a huge outburst; that was the first time I saw him screamed in frustration. There were tears streaming, of angst and probably disappointment.
All of us just froze, and my mom just endlessly apologize for something she didn't do nor know why. She just figured apologizing may do the trick. None of us knew what to do.
None of us knew why my dad acted that way.
Apart of me felt like crying. It was as if 50years' worth of regrets boiled down to that moment, and it chose then to surface.
My dad looked really tired and his spirit, withered.
We stood there - all five of us, just stared at him. He was oblivious to our staring.
And then I went to work. I almost felt bad for having to leave, but I wouldn't want to arrive in the office just in time for lunch.
My dad did not speak to anyone. Until today.
Yesterday, he burned incense and the whole house smelt of lavender. Lavender helped to soothe him down. He is weird in little ways.
This morning, I woke up in a very different vibe. As if I have had the deepest sleep. I think I owe it to the incense. Felt like I had been sleeping in a temple.
I went out of the room to see it still burning. My parents were sitting in the kitchen having breakfast. I went straight outside in my pajamas and the smell of grass woke me officially.
I unlock the bicycle chain, and took a ride around the hills - yes, still in pajamas. Didn't even brush my teeth. But I felt fresh.
The Fixie didn't have any gears and so I became tired having to ride up the hill, and more people were out to jog. I didn't want to face any neighbors with morning breath so I headed home.
Brushed my teeth and went straight to the kitchen. Pancakes. Yum.
Saw my dad stared at me in a quizzical look, so I told him I went for a ride.
He suddenly just burst into laughter. Like a real laugh.
"you went and cycle in baju tidur and looking like that?!"
Yeah, apparently.
He continued to laugh.
Glad that made his day. And that it also returned my dad back to normalcy.
It wasn't until I finished my breakfast and went to the toilet to shower that I noticed my hair was a display of 'bed hair' gone literal. It was atrocious and an embarrassment. In fact,
it took on the shape of my pillow because the right side was extremely flat as compared to the i-just-got-electrocuted-look on the right side.
I looked like half Einstein half Legolas.
Somedays, I would just hate being me and would contemplate jumping off Penang Bridge (selected on purpose to show political representation)
But today, is not one of those days. In fact, I felt relieved for cracking my dad up.
Everyone was extremely sweet today. Mom didn't make a fuss about laundry, dad went on reading, brother washed the cars and rode. I practiced typing with my typewriter, sisters minded their own business.
Pleasant day.
And to what do we owe it to?
The incense. It was a great idea. Good job Dad.
Thursday, December 09, 2010
we don't cut, just bruise.
I don't really know how to put this nor am I sure of what to say.
In fact, I'd rather not do anything about it. But as my lecturer once told me in a Language and Identity class, not doing anything is doing something.
So I need to find the right balance between doing something and not doing anything, so that I achieve a zero on the axis.
But exactly what is it that I need to do, and/or don't?
To be honest, life (overrated word) has been patchy - I say patchy and not rocky or bumpety because the scale is not relatively bad - and yes, I do feel a little bit sea-sick eventhough I am on land, because of the subtleties of the "waves" I face.
Thing about me is, I like to store problems in a small paper box and shove it under the bed (which I'm sure a lot of people do, and would end up sitting on a couch across a therapist, or in an institution, or can also end up in heaven/hell), waiting to explode, tear apart from all sides and vomit all its contents.
The vomiting part is the scariest. You have to deal with everything, all at one go.
But it also gives you a sense of relief. If, you deal with the problems.
I haven't lain down the problem. Well, I can't. I've got it at the back of my mind, and it's getting pretty cosy there.
Hey, I have a random question. Why do people go to Boston when they don't want anyone to know their name?
Was Augustana just referring to his own exclusive situation, or is he helping us out in telling us where to go to deal with our overdue, undealt-with problems?
I'd really like to know.
I've also been losing a lot of important things. Like official certificates I haven't moved from the box in a bajillion years and apparently they have feet because they are not there anymore.
I lost my favourite tan corduroy pants (ok, not so important. but special).
A bag I bought in Australia and is multi-purpose.
Some memories and faces.
Memories of used-to-be Very Important Persons.
Memories of significant venues and places, which I think I remember, but not anymore. Maybe I also forgot whether I purposely forget them?
Some memories.
My handphone? Yes, that too.
I am not really liking how I am living my life now. Maybe work has consumed me, if so, that is a problem.
Or maybe, work is the solution to my problem.
Either ways, the amount of work I do (not as if I drown myself in work anyways) has nothing to do with the decision on why I live the way I want to.
I know I am talking gibberish, and if I were to have an electronic ear that can give some default programmed response, I would rather rant to it, than write it here.
But I don't. And I need to record these insecurities, uncertainties, doubts, worries that I have in this blog.
Because I know, I would be reading it some time in the future when everything is sure and certain again, and I had achieved what I wanted and go: Oh, it was just a rough patch. I survived.
I need to set this as a benchmark for myself.
I know you don't understand, but somehow, you do.
Tweet
In fact, I'd rather not do anything about it. But as my lecturer once told me in a Language and Identity class, not doing anything is doing something.
So I need to find the right balance between doing something and not doing anything, so that I achieve a zero on the axis.
But exactly what is it that I need to do, and/or don't?
To be honest, life (overrated word) has been patchy - I say patchy and not rocky or bumpety because the scale is not relatively bad - and yes, I do feel a little bit sea-sick eventhough I am on land, because of the subtleties of the "waves" I face.
Thing about me is, I like to store problems in a small paper box and shove it under the bed (which I'm sure a lot of people do, and would end up sitting on a couch across a therapist, or in an institution, or can also end up in heaven/hell), waiting to explode, tear apart from all sides and vomit all its contents.
The vomiting part is the scariest. You have to deal with everything, all at one go.
But it also gives you a sense of relief. If, you deal with the problems.
I haven't lain down the problem. Well, I can't. I've got it at the back of my mind, and it's getting pretty cosy there.
Hey, I have a random question. Why do people go to Boston when they don't want anyone to know their name?
Was Augustana just referring to his own exclusive situation, or is he helping us out in telling us where to go to deal with our overdue, undealt-with problems?
I'd really like to know.
I've also been losing a lot of important things. Like official certificates I haven't moved from the box in a bajillion years and apparently they have feet because they are not there anymore.
I lost my favourite tan corduroy pants (ok, not so important. but special).
A bag I bought in Australia and is multi-purpose.
Some memories and faces.
Memories of used-to-be Very Important Persons.
Memories of significant venues and places, which I think I remember, but not anymore. Maybe I also forgot whether I purposely forget them?
Some memories.
My handphone? Yes, that too.
I am not really liking how I am living my life now. Maybe work has consumed me, if so, that is a problem.
Or maybe, work is the solution to my problem.
Either ways, the amount of work I do (not as if I drown myself in work anyways) has nothing to do with the decision on why I live the way I want to.
I know I am talking gibberish, and if I were to have an electronic ear that can give some default programmed response, I would rather rant to it, than write it here.
But I don't. And I need to record these insecurities, uncertainties, doubts, worries that I have in this blog.
Because I know, I would be reading it some time in the future when everything is sure and certain again, and I had achieved what I wanted and go: Oh, it was just a rough patch. I survived.
I need to set this as a benchmark for myself.
I know you don't understand, but somehow, you do.
Tweet
Thursday, December 02, 2010
My friend and I
Ahh, it's you again.
Sometimes I wonder if you will ever leave me alone.
I have a feeling I will be stuck with you for a long, long time.
Not that I can do anything about it.
Maybe I could,
But prefer to have you here.
You are now my friend.
I am miserable, and you are Misery.
Best thing is,
We have each other.
Sometimes I wonder if you will ever leave me alone.
I have a feeling I will be stuck with you for a long, long time.
Not that I can do anything about it.
Maybe I could,
But prefer to have you here.
You are now my friend.
I am miserable, and you are Misery.
Best thing is,
We have each other.
Friday, November 26, 2010
word game
poetry suicide travel permission hope
Listen to the wind . .
it blew, in agreement
to me.
It understood, that
I think your name
is like poetry.
A lullaby, even
that caress me in my travels.
But now I ask of you
only one last wish.
A permission, if you like
to commit in this humiliation
- suicide.
So that I can engrave
your name with me
forever.
Beyond eternity.
Your name is poetry
to me.
Your name
is Hope.
words chosen by izrin. Oct 20, 2009
Listen to the wind . .
it blew, in agreement
to me.
It understood, that
I think your name
is like poetry.
A lullaby, even
that caress me in my travels.
But now I ask of you
only one last wish.
A permission, if you like
to commit in this humiliation
- suicide.
So that I can engrave
your name with me
forever.
Beyond eternity.
Your name is poetry
to me.
Your name
is Hope.
words chosen by izrin. Oct 20, 2009
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
tell me what i want to hear because i might refuse to listen
felt like listening to classics.
Naive by The Kooks
Saturday, November 20, 2010
For us who can only dream
New Delhi, India
Shanghai, China
Mombasa, Kenya
Texas, USA
Colombo, Sri Lanka
Mumbai, India
Minnesota, USA
Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan
Dhaka, Bangladesh
Mumbai, India
Mecca.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
in the end, we're just two people trying to get by in life.
Paperweight by Joshua Radin and Shuyler Fisk
Monday, November 08, 2010
obvious
an elephant in the room.
a zit on the nose.
a drum in a library.
a stain on white cloth.
a crack in a mirror.
a flag on a pole.
a house on a hill.
a fish on the road.
an afro on a stick.
Sunday, November 07, 2010
Friday, November 05, 2010
rap up
If I can be one thing right now, I'd be a rapper. I'd wear baggy shirts and pants, and wear one diamond stud. And I'd be rapping away to sick beats with my big cap low on my eyebrows. The female kind will surround me like I'm a sexy magnet. I'd wear bright red Supra's and moonwalk across the dance floor and wave my palm in an up-and-down motion. I would groove to my trademark moves and mic up. I would rock the night, and be the life of the party. I'd rap and rap and throw in some beatboxing.
I'd be cool.
Thursday, November 04, 2010
the world is virtual
Take Me Out by Atomic Tom
Soon I'll be enjoying concerts from a phone, and cheering in a whole different space than the bands!
Something about technology that always scares me: the sense of authenticity!
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
after all
Girl: You know I'm just gonna hurt you..
Boy: You know I'm only gonna break your heart, right?
Girl: You wanna bet?
Boy: Bring it on.
An excerpt from Taio Cruz's music video of Break Your Heart.
It's a game y'all. It has always been.
Boy: You know I'm only gonna break your heart, right?
Girl: You wanna bet?
Boy: Bring it on.
An excerpt from Taio Cruz's music video of Break Your Heart.
It's a game y'all. It has always been.
Monday, November 01, 2010
those little things at the back of your mind
When you are sad, what is the one moment that you replay in your mind to cheer yourself up again?
For me, it's that time when I was surfing the wind with my neighbour on top of the hill near our house.
Where we can see the whole of KL; where it is exclusive to just us.
And we climbed up the hill with a bucket of ice cubes, and arrange them on the iron rail at the edge of the hill.
And watch them melt really slowly.
And see the prism of colours emerge gradually against the evening ray.
That was a happy moment for me; and time was crawling, so that moment could have easily last longer than it really is.
And he would sing, while waiting for the ice to melt, a song that was quite a hit back then.
It goes something like this:
I wanna stand with you on a mountain
I wanna bathe with you in the sea
I wanna lay like this forever
Until the sun falls down on me
By Savage Garden, and we would sing it over and over while lying down on our stomaches, and have our chins right at the edge where the hill starts to go downwards.
This is the BEST moment of my life!!
He would scream. And I remembered thinking to myself, but I didn't want to say it out loud, because I don't want him to say I copied him. So I kept quiet. Yeah, this is the best moment of my life too!
He was right. That moment, was blissful.
And cheap thrills such as this always cheer me up; always will.
For me, it's that time when I was surfing the wind with my neighbour on top of the hill near our house.
Where we can see the whole of KL; where it is exclusive to just us.
And we climbed up the hill with a bucket of ice cubes, and arrange them on the iron rail at the edge of the hill.
And watch them melt really slowly.
And see the prism of colours emerge gradually against the evening ray.
That was a happy moment for me; and time was crawling, so that moment could have easily last longer than it really is.
And he would sing, while waiting for the ice to melt, a song that was quite a hit back then.
It goes something like this:
I wanna stand with you on a mountain
I wanna bathe with you in the sea
I wanna lay like this forever
Until the sun falls down on me
By Savage Garden, and we would sing it over and over while lying down on our stomaches, and have our chins right at the edge where the hill starts to go downwards.
This is the BEST moment of my life!!
He would scream. And I remembered thinking to myself, but I didn't want to say it out loud, because I don't want him to say I copied him. So I kept quiet. Yeah, this is the best moment of my life too!
He was right. That moment, was blissful.
And cheap thrills such as this always cheer me up; always will.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Missing Girl
I was on the SPRINT highway today, back from a client's office and as I was about to pay the toll, I saw an ad saying "Girl Missing".
I read the description.
It said there, the girl has long hair, and she's mute and deaf.
She must be scared like hell, can't even scream for her life.
Poor girl. I wish I can help her.
I read the description.
It said there, the girl has long hair, and she's mute and deaf.
She must be scared like hell, can't even scream for her life.
Poor girl. I wish I can help her.
Friday, October 29, 2010
a way to celebrate a non-special day
Today is the 30th of October (just to clarify, since you know how blogger's dates are a little screwed up sometimes. Are we GMT +6?).
And a photo that I sent to Saya Anak Bangsa Malaysia is featured as photo of the day, under it's daily pictures tab.
It's not phenomenal or absolutely earth-shattering in any way, that deserves a cult following or anything, but I think it's kind of witty in its colorific sense lah. Just goes to prove, in a way, that you don't need to be professional to be featured (hehe sod it those of you who're so arrogant with your dslr's :p)
Just happy that I'm able to share how beautiful Malaysia really is. (Or could be - if you're a pessimist)
If you want to check it out: click here
Do send in photos that you think represent Malaysia in it's precise form.
And a photo that I sent to Saya Anak Bangsa Malaysia is featured as photo of the day, under it's daily pictures tab.
It's not phenomenal or absolutely earth-shattering in any way, that deserves a cult following or anything, but I think it's kind of witty in its colorific sense lah. Just goes to prove, in a way, that you don't need to be professional to be featured (hehe sod it those of you who're so arrogant with your dslr's :p)
Just happy that I'm able to share how beautiful Malaysia really is. (Or could be - if you're a pessimist)
If you want to check it out: click here
Do send in photos that you think represent Malaysia in it's precise form.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Kalau Aku Seorang Rockstar
Kalaulah aku seorang rockstar,
Akan ku pastikan dunia ini berputar
laju, Goncang ia dan kemudian biar
Akan ku pastikan semua mata berpinar
Akan ku tulis bait-bait puitis
Biar semua jadi pakar romantis
Not-not emosi akan ku tulis
Semua kan rasa cinta nan gratis
Akan ku pakai emosi di lengan
di dada, di dahi, dan pakainya dengan
rasional hati. Tanpa halangan,
tiada enggan, tidak jangan
Pasti sekali aku berambut blonde panjang
Agar semua pelusuk memandang
Dan biar mindaku bertelanjang
Agar segala fikir dan rasa terpampang
Akan ku petik gitar elektrik
Bina musik atas apa terdetik
Kan ku alun ia dengan gemersik
Biar semua berkata "fantastik!"
Dan berdiri aku di pentas itu
Di tengah-tengah spotlight yang satu
Minda, hati dan jasad bersekutu
Persembahkan lagu cinta yang jitu
Akan ku biar diriku berenang
dalam gelombang lautan orang
dalam semangat dan sahutan diorang
di bawah cahaya bulan mengambang
Bila tiba saat berakhir semuanya
Akan ku buat segalanya dari mula
Akan ku pastikan diri menjadi popular
Sampai tahap popular gila
Dan bila satu dunia mengenali ku
Ingin sekali ku melihat wajah mu
dan kata "This song is for you"
Biar semua lihat kau senyum padaku
Dan tolonglah biarkan masa membeku
di saat itu; saat kau pandang pada ku.
Akan ku pastikan dunia ini berputar
laju, Goncang ia dan kemudian biar
Akan ku pastikan semua mata berpinar
Akan ku tulis bait-bait puitis
Biar semua jadi pakar romantis
Not-not emosi akan ku tulis
Semua kan rasa cinta nan gratis
Akan ku pakai emosi di lengan
di dada, di dahi, dan pakainya dengan
rasional hati. Tanpa halangan,
tiada enggan, tidak jangan
Pasti sekali aku berambut blonde panjang
Agar semua pelusuk memandang
Dan biar mindaku bertelanjang
Agar segala fikir dan rasa terpampang
Akan ku petik gitar elektrik
Bina musik atas apa terdetik
Kan ku alun ia dengan gemersik
Biar semua berkata "fantastik!"
Dan berdiri aku di pentas itu
Di tengah-tengah spotlight yang satu
Minda, hati dan jasad bersekutu
Persembahkan lagu cinta yang jitu
Akan ku biar diriku berenang
dalam gelombang lautan orang
dalam semangat dan sahutan diorang
di bawah cahaya bulan mengambang
Bila tiba saat berakhir semuanya
Akan ku buat segalanya dari mula
Akan ku pastikan diri menjadi popular
Sampai tahap popular gila
Dan bila satu dunia mengenali ku
Ingin sekali ku melihat wajah mu
dan kata "This song is for you"
Biar semua lihat kau senyum padaku
Dan tolonglah biarkan masa membeku
di saat itu; saat kau pandang pada ku.
Monday, October 18, 2010
life on a plate
it's like a blender in here;
you have no idea.banana chicken day-old bun;
all mixed thoroughly and mold as one.
once the plug is in the switch is on,
all form and taste will all be gone.
from there the shape takes a new turn,
what it was before has all been churned.
and when it's done you pour it out,
what's become of it you can't figure out.
well let me tell you point and straight,
now that's my life, served on a plate.
Friday, October 15, 2010
life is dynamic, that's why people move on.
I went to have lunch with my colleagues today at the mamak near Heritage Row. Everything was fine, we went to pick our lauk and order drinks, we ate our food, and then we went to the counter to pay.
I was talking to Mich about papadom when the mamak at the cashier suddenly asked me
"Are you a singer?"
Swear to God, I nearly choked on my saliva and he was still wearing that earnest face. I couldn't lie to that face, so I decided to tell him the truth. I said "Oh no, saya bukan penyanyi la. Why you ask?"
"Suara awak macam penyanyi. Saya ingat awak penyanyi"
"Eh bukan, bukan. I cannot sing one, trust me!"
"Kalau awak mau practice, mesti sedap punya! Balik cuba lah!"
What a revelation. Somebody actually thought I had good voice? What has become of this world!
On a completely different note, today is the last day for one of my directors, MC. It was quite a sad day, thank goodness nobody cried or I would have too. We gave him customized sneakers yesterday, drawn by Mich and he loved it.
So today, I arrived at the office and saw a nicely wrapped present on my desk. There was a small card. The present was from MC. When I unwrapped, I almost LOLed, as the gift was Love Jenga. What the..! That dude seriously has a sense of humour. I can never play it with the family. Some of my other colleagues received a mini pool table, a chess set, a roulette drinking game set and table foosball.
Although I havent been working with him for very long, a feel some "strong connections". haha nah, joke. It's just that he's so good in this industry that it is quite a loss to not have him around anymore. I could have learned more from him.
And after work, I had dinner with my colleagues. It is good that colleagues are of almost similar age, so we can relate quite well. We talked about stuff; family, relationships, bosses. haha. Great fun.
I'm going to miss these people when they leave. Yes, they had decided to leave and explore on new ventures. Some within the industry, some still soul-searching. Eitherways, I am glad that there is a thing called the Internet, so we can still keep in touch.
So to sum up in five words: Today is sad and happy.
pfft. lame-ass.
I was talking to Mich about papadom when the mamak at the cashier suddenly asked me
"Are you a singer?"
Swear to God, I nearly choked on my saliva and he was still wearing that earnest face. I couldn't lie to that face, so I decided to tell him the truth. I said "Oh no, saya bukan penyanyi la. Why you ask?"
"Suara awak macam penyanyi. Saya ingat awak penyanyi"
"Eh bukan, bukan. I cannot sing one, trust me!"
"Kalau awak mau practice, mesti sedap punya! Balik cuba lah!"
What a revelation. Somebody actually thought I had good voice? What has become of this world!
On a completely different note, today is the last day for one of my directors, MC. It was quite a sad day, thank goodness nobody cried or I would have too. We gave him customized sneakers yesterday, drawn by Mich and he loved it.
So today, I arrived at the office and saw a nicely wrapped present on my desk. There was a small card. The present was from MC. When I unwrapped, I almost LOLed, as the gift was Love Jenga. What the..! That dude seriously has a sense of humour. I can never play it with the family. Some of my other colleagues received a mini pool table, a chess set, a roulette drinking game set and table foosball.
Although I havent been working with him for very long, a feel some "strong connections". haha nah, joke. It's just that he's so good in this industry that it is quite a loss to not have him around anymore. I could have learned more from him.
And after work, I had dinner with my colleagues. It is good that colleagues are of almost similar age, so we can relate quite well. We talked about stuff; family, relationships, bosses. haha. Great fun.
I'm going to miss these people when they leave. Yes, they had decided to leave and explore on new ventures. Some within the industry, some still soul-searching. Eitherways, I am glad that there is a thing called the Internet, so we can still keep in touch.
So to sum up in five words: Today is sad and happy.
pfft. lame-ass.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
i am Razorgirl
One of my favorite uncle is sick. I was quite shocked, but thinking back to the way he lived his life - adventurous, with no rules and anything to set him back - i kind of understand. his body took a toll on him.
I went home and was going to bed, and since the room i sleep in is full of books it's like a mini library (i dont have a proper room, in fact most of my clothes are in boxes), i browsed through the shelves to see what stories i should serenade myself with to sleep.
And there I saw, Neuromancer; a book by William Gibson. I remembered taking this book from my uncle's house (He has the full collection of National Geographic and Reader's Digest and some skipped volumes of Nylon and Life - he really lives in a library).
I remembered not liking this book, published in 1984, because i just couldn't understand it. It's about some cyber-punk thing, and was just heavy for me at that time.
But that night, I thought I should just give it another go - a tribute to my uncle.
So I read. And it has one of the best opening lines.
I went home and was going to bed, and since the room i sleep in is full of books it's like a mini library (i dont have a proper room, in fact most of my clothes are in boxes), i browsed through the shelves to see what stories i should serenade myself with to sleep.
And there I saw, Neuromancer; a book by William Gibson. I remembered taking this book from my uncle's house (He has the full collection of National Geographic and Reader's Digest and some skipped volumes of Nylon and Life - he really lives in a library).
I remembered not liking this book, published in 1984, because i just couldn't understand it. It's about some cyber-punk thing, and was just heavy for me at that time.
But that night, I thought I should just give it another go - a tribute to my uncle.
So I read. And it has one of the best opening lines.
"The sky above the port was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel"
I thought it was really smart; I had never imagined something cyberatic could take on poetic nuances.
And so, the opening line got me hooked. I read on until it was almost one fourth of the book. Another line I thought was good:
"Anybody any good at what they do, that's what they are right?"
Just spot on. Witty and true. Frank and poetic. Which i love.
And so tonight, after such an eventful evening (it was random!), what better way to top it with but a good book and Milo (yeah, we dont have cocoa powder for hot choc. 'tis the Malaysian style :p).
Let's see if the ending is any good. Well one of my many habits - to read first few pages and last few pages first. But i purposely skipped the ending for this one for surprise factor. (Yeah, my life is boring, i need cheap thrills to spice it up. haha!)
Goodnight everyone.
Aku dan orang
Sememangnya, kita tidak akan kenal seseorang jika kita tidak mengambil initiatif berbuat demikian. Pada mulanya, pasti akan timbul perasaan gusar dan tertanya-tanya, bagaimanakah sebenarnya orang ini? Dan akan ada beberapa perkara yang kita nilai dari orang itu, sebelum akhirnya membuat konklusi sendiri.
Konklusi tahap pertama - tidak semestinya tepat.
Dalam membuktikan hipotesis yang kita dapat dari melihat orang itu, secara tidak langsung kita akan mengenalinya dengan lebih mendalam. Dalam proses ini, selalunya kita akan faham mengapa seseorang bersikap sedemikian.
Isu utama di sini adalah: tak kenal maka tak cinta.
Aku suka melihat dan menilai orang. Akan tetapi, aku lebih suka mencari jawapan dan kebenaran kepada penilaian aku itu.
Konklusi tahap pertama - tidak semestinya tepat.
Dalam membuktikan hipotesis yang kita dapat dari melihat orang itu, secara tidak langsung kita akan mengenalinya dengan lebih mendalam. Dalam proses ini, selalunya kita akan faham mengapa seseorang bersikap sedemikian.
Isu utama di sini adalah: tak kenal maka tak cinta.
Aku suka melihat dan menilai orang. Akan tetapi, aku lebih suka mencari jawapan dan kebenaran kepada penilaian aku itu.
Friday, October 08, 2010
two cents on a weekend
There are a lot of things that we wish we are just born into. Talents, wealth, good looks, physique.
There are some things that we are just born into, but wish that we can make a choice of. Religion, family, ethnicity etc.
But there is one thing that we wish we are born into and can make a choice of: Life.
So make the right choices. The journey dictates the end.
There are some things that we are just born into, but wish that we can make a choice of. Religion, family, ethnicity etc.
But there is one thing that we wish we are born into and can make a choice of: Life.
So make the right choices. The journey dictates the end.
You walked with your shoulders
Saw you today; you were in the pits.
Face - terrified, restless.
Hair - dishevelled, unkempt.
Eyes - sad, empty.
You are at your worst. And somehow, it made me smile. I am happy to see you like that.
Human beings can be selfish, and they enjoy other people's misery.
I'm sorry, but you deserve it.
Face - terrified, restless.
Hair - dishevelled, unkempt.
Eyes - sad, empty.
You are at your worst. And somehow, it made me smile. I am happy to see you like that.
Human beings can be selfish, and they enjoy other people's misery.
I'm sorry, but you deserve it.
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
sorry, need emotional outlet.
FML.
why would i want to F it?
because everything about it is so true and real, even the bad parts. especially the bad parts.
betterworsebetterworsebetterworsebetterworsestagnant.
today i was on a roller coaster, except i didnt ride it, it rode me.
i let it control me and _________
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFyou.
to me, the only measure of a human is the ability to think with your heart - empathy.
.
i may act retarded, but i am not stupid. at least not worse than you.
screammmmmmmmmmm.
today i prayed that there shalt be no sharp objects in a close radius to me.
stabstabstabstabstabstabstabstabstabstabstab.
i need to be on a mountain top now.
or a cave.
or under the deep sea.
angrysadragedalone.
b r e a t h e
r r
e e
a a
t t
h h
e e
why would i want to F it?
because everything about it is so true and real, even the bad parts. especially the bad parts.
betterworsebetterworsebetterworsebetterworsestagnant.
today i was on a roller coaster, except i didnt ride it, it rode me.
i let it control me and _________
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFyou.
to me, the only measure of a human is the ability to think with your heart - empathy.
.
i may act retarded, but i am not stupid. at least not worse than you.
screammmmmmmmmmm.
today i prayed that there shalt be no sharp objects in a close radius to me.
stabstabstabstabstabstabstabstabstabstabstab.
i need to be on a mountain top now.
or a cave.
or under the deep sea.
angrysadragedalone.
b r e a t h e
r r
e e
a a
t t
h h
e e
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
meltwater
Your faith walks on broken glass,
while your soul not made from brass.
Your psyche tramples by the shore,
while rain of your repentance pour.
Monday, September 27, 2010
island in the sun
Went for a weekend trip with colleagues to Penang. It was, to sum up, a food trail. We went from one restaurant to another, one hawker to another and each meal has about two phases. In total, I ate around 8 to 9 times a day! And not one single time did I consume rice..that's far out man!
Can life be a vacation? sigh.
Can life be a vacation? sigh.
it comes from lessons learned
i badly need to get in a trance and forget reality. two minutes will do.
especially dig parts of the video where the faces of people are scribbled on. i wish i can do that to people i don't like, or just dont freaking want to see ever in my life.
Song: Better Life
By: Conditions
p/s: tomorrow is the beginning of something new. anxious and excited. i hope on that night, i will make the right choice of one of the biggest decisions i will ever have to make.
especially dig parts of the video where the faces of people are scribbled on. i wish i can do that to people i don't like, or just dont freaking want to see ever in my life.
Song: Better Life
By: Conditions
p/s: tomorrow is the beginning of something new. anxious and excited. i hope on that night, i will make the right choice of one of the biggest decisions i will ever have to make.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
TGIF
he did it again :)
shite. a director saw me blogging. gotta bounce. enjoy!
song: mash-up of Love the Way You Lie, Dynamite, and Teenage Dream
by: sam tsui and kurt hugo schneider
loves from me.
happy weekend everyone. i'll be in penang basking in the sun! (as if)
shite. a director saw me blogging. gotta bounce. enjoy!
song: mash-up of Love the Way You Lie, Dynamite, and Teenage Dream
by: sam tsui and kurt hugo schneider
loves from me.
happy weekend everyone. i'll be in penang basking in the sun! (as if)
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
menjadi aku
Aku bukanlah seorang anak yang mithali, atau sent from heaven, jauh sekali dari itu. Aku tidak sebaik anak orang lain, yang mengikut kata ibu dan ayah, serta rajin menolong keluarga. Kadang-kala, aku bersikap individualistik dan mementingkan diri. Aku selalu berasakan bahawa aku layak bergaul dengan sesiapa yang aku mahu, dan pergi ke mana yang aku hendak, dan melibatkan diri dalam aktiviti-aktiviti yang aku rasa menarik.
Aku kini sudah lebih dua dekad hidup di dunia yang semakin lama semakin ganas dan menakutkan. Aku faham sikap ibu bapa yang semakin memperketat household rules hanya atas alasan tersebut, namun apakan daya, aku sememangnya seorang yang rebel, sama seperti anak-anak muda yang lain.
Namun, se'rebel-rebel' aku pun, aku masih menjalankan tanggungjawab yang perlu sebagai anak dan kakak. Cuma ada ketika aku perlu bersendirian atau menyimpan beberapa perkara pada diri sendiri sahaja dan tidak mahu ibu bapa mengetahui kerana merasakan seperti tidak perlu sebenarnya.
Terkadang aku kecewa apabila dituduh melakukan perkara-perkara yang aku tidak buat. Secara umum dan relatif, aku pandai menjaga diri sendiri, dan sememangnya ibu bapaku melakukan perkara yang baik dalam mendidik dan membesarkan aku.
Tadi berlaku suatu insiden yang agak tidak diingini dan aku belajar sesuatu. Aku belajar memahami apa yang ibu dan bapaku rasai apabila sesuatu seperti itu terjadi. Dan sesungguhnya amat pasti sekali aku tidak ingin merasai perkara yang sama apabila aku mempunyai anak sendiri di masa akan datang.
Kini aku faham, dan pastinya tidak akan berulang lagi. Aku kesal dengan diri sendiri dan akan memaksa diri untuk lebih sensitif dan understanding kelak.
Sorry, ibu and ayah. I won't do it again.
Aku kini sudah lebih dua dekad hidup di dunia yang semakin lama semakin ganas dan menakutkan. Aku faham sikap ibu bapa yang semakin memperketat household rules hanya atas alasan tersebut, namun apakan daya, aku sememangnya seorang yang rebel, sama seperti anak-anak muda yang lain.
Namun, se'rebel-rebel' aku pun, aku masih menjalankan tanggungjawab yang perlu sebagai anak dan kakak. Cuma ada ketika aku perlu bersendirian atau menyimpan beberapa perkara pada diri sendiri sahaja dan tidak mahu ibu bapa mengetahui kerana merasakan seperti tidak perlu sebenarnya.
Terkadang aku kecewa apabila dituduh melakukan perkara-perkara yang aku tidak buat. Secara umum dan relatif, aku pandai menjaga diri sendiri, dan sememangnya ibu bapaku melakukan perkara yang baik dalam mendidik dan membesarkan aku.
Tadi berlaku suatu insiden yang agak tidak diingini dan aku belajar sesuatu. Aku belajar memahami apa yang ibu dan bapaku rasai apabila sesuatu seperti itu terjadi. Dan sesungguhnya amat pasti sekali aku tidak ingin merasai perkara yang sama apabila aku mempunyai anak sendiri di masa akan datang.
Kini aku faham, dan pastinya tidak akan berulang lagi. Aku kesal dengan diri sendiri dan akan memaksa diri untuk lebih sensitif dan understanding kelak.
Sorry, ibu and ayah. I won't do it again.
Friday, September 17, 2010
cuba kau
cuba kau berdiri di tapak bulan
dan kemudian lihat ke bumi
nampakkah kau aku?
cuba kau kira ribuan jarak
bulan ke bumi itu
begitu jauhkah aku?
cuba kau bayangkan
bumi tanpa bulan
itukah aku?
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
never perfect
On a generally fine day. And not just any day - it's the Hari Raya.
Mom walked in and gasped quite loudly "What is that on your forehead?!" and pointed her index to me.
I replied "It's a..uh.." as I scanned my forehead with my fingers ".. a zit"
"On Hari Raya?! Everybody wants to look their best on Hari Raya..but not you. You always have to go spoil something for yourself!"
Uhh okay, it's not like I can stop it from erupting. I was just too lazy to give a comment so I turned to leave.
Until..
"..nak pergi mana tuh?! come here, put some concealer, and dab some powder. This thing (the aforementioned zit) you must press when dia dah masak, and don't use your hands it will become a scar!!" mom said while dabbing some powder on my face.
Somehow, I felt 6 again. Mom used to put powder on my face before I go to school everyday during my kindie years.
And the worst thing happened, on that generally fine day, that is the Hari Raya.
"..you must buy a concealer when we get back to KL. It saves you in this situa..hey. Are you crying?" mom asked me, quizzically.
In fact, I was. But..
"Uh..no. Kenapa pula nak menangis?"
Mom looked at me with the I'm-not-buying-this-bs-you're-selling-me-face and yes, I cracked. It was so easy I could've been a good tali barut for the Japs for when they come to Malaya and posed that shitland occupation.
"Erm.. teringat masa kecik-kecik when you used to comb my long hair *choke tears* and put powder on my face before I go to tadika.."
Emo as hell. So blardy stewpidd, and yes, say that again.
Mom broke into a smile; a mix of happy and nostalgic.
"Yes..Ibu ingat. You had very very long hair and it curled at the end. You were such a good girl. But now so stubborn, keras kepala! Always want to rebel, entah kenapa.."
"Sorry, I'm not perfect. Tak suka dunia sekarang, benci, banyak orang jahat. They made me become like this. Ha ha"
"Of course! Mana ada orang perfect. You too, are never perfect, never. But we (my parents) love you still..always always always..ok?"
Well, ok I guess, as long as you don't make me wear any of those big flower printed clothes anymore, or flashy shoes, especially for special occasions.
So yes, moral of the story, and in reference to my previous post, I am being sappy. I am sappy and I don't necessarily like it. But I am embracing it. And it is only a phase. I will not always be sappy (only under certain circumstances when it's cool and normal to be sappy) and I shall return to my more cooler and put-togethered self very soon.
Sappy is just a phase.
Don't do this at home (in the presence of your mom)
Mom walked in and gasped quite loudly "What is that on your forehead?!" and pointed her index to me.
I replied "It's a..uh.." as I scanned my forehead with my fingers ".. a zit"
"On Hari Raya?! Everybody wants to look their best on Hari Raya..but not you. You always have to go spoil something for yourself!"
Uhh okay, it's not like I can stop it from erupting. I was just too lazy to give a comment so I turned to leave.
Until..
"..nak pergi mana tuh?! come here, put some concealer, and dab some powder. This thing (the aforementioned zit) you must press when dia dah masak, and don't use your hands it will become a scar!!" mom said while dabbing some powder on my face.
Somehow, I felt 6 again. Mom used to put powder on my face before I go to school everyday during my kindie years.
And the worst thing happened, on that generally fine day, that is the Hari Raya.
"..you must buy a concealer when we get back to KL. It saves you in this situa..hey. Are you crying?" mom asked me, quizzically.
In fact, I was. But..
"Uh..no. Kenapa pula nak menangis?"
Mom looked at me with the I'm-not-buying-this-bs-you're-selling-me-face and yes, I cracked. It was so easy I could've been a good tali barut for the Japs for when they come to Malaya and posed that shitland occupation.
"Erm.. teringat masa kecik-kecik when you used to comb my long hair *choke tears* and put powder on my face before I go to tadika.."
Emo as hell. So blardy stewpidd, and yes, say that again.
Mom broke into a smile; a mix of happy and nostalgic.
"Yes..Ibu ingat. You had very very long hair and it curled at the end. You were such a good girl. But now so stubborn, keras kepala! Always want to rebel, entah kenapa.."
"Sorry, I'm not perfect. Tak suka dunia sekarang, benci, banyak orang jahat. They made me become like this. Ha ha"
"Of course! Mana ada orang perfect. You too, are never perfect, never. But we (my parents) love you still..always always always..ok?"
Well, ok I guess, as long as you don't make me wear any of those big flower printed clothes anymore, or flashy shoes, especially for special occasions.
So yes, moral of the story, and in reference to my previous post, I am being sappy. I am sappy and I don't necessarily like it. But I am embracing it. And it is only a phase. I will not always be sappy (only under certain circumstances when it's cool and normal to be sappy) and I shall return to my more cooler and put-togethered self very soon.
Sappy is just a phase.
Don't do this at home (in the presence of your mom)
"Mothers are all slightly insane"
- J. D. Salinger, Catcher in the Rye
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
it is jingling in the jang
There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart.
- Melanie Griffith
Lately I've been feeling quite sappy. Ah it's the mood, the silver crescent with a sparkling star on top, the almost invisible wind, the everything. Hari Raya, weddings, meeting family and friends and really spending time catching up with their lives - noticing again those familiar smiles and different rings of their laughters, watching emotionally destructive chick flicks (?) and really knocking myself out with the surrealisms of ideal love stories, listening to men crying out to their bellas in love songs and all that jaggedy jazz.
Oh what have I done to myself.
Sappy, I like sappy. It's good for my health. I'd rather be sappy than be depressed.
I like looking at wedding photos. I will always be one to pester newly married cousins for their albums and extra ornaments from their weddings (what the fudge? I'm sick)
I really really like looking at people putting on make up - doing the things they do with the eyelashes and lips and putting colors on their faces, I like to see people do their hair (although I had a rather weird experience with the hair of my Barbie dolls. yes I own some, even limited edition ones. but they're all dead and ruined now in Doll underworld)
I especially love weddings; I even love the intricate, tiring and taxing parts of it. I will help out with just about anything it's insane. I will sit quietly (and quite creepily to some people) in a corner and admire the bride or groom from afar. I will shed some tears during the solemnization ceremony and pretend that something got into my eyes so that nobody would know.
I will imagine how the parents would feel letting their daughters go. I will go help give out bunga telur, I would become an impromptu DJ (I had to do it once for a cousin, and took the kompang music from youtube as she didn't rent any kompang groups. genius), I would go have a feisty discussion with the caterer about some lauk pauk to get extra food top-up, and yes, the list goes on.
I will imagine how the parents would feel letting their daughters go. I will go help give out bunga telur, I would become an impromptu DJ (I had to do it once for a cousin, and took the kompang music from youtube as she didn't rent any kompang groups. genius), I would go have a feisty discussion with the caterer about some lauk pauk to get extra food top-up, and yes, the list goes on.
You can bet I would need a really good water-proof mascara on my wedding day coz I will cry a river and be all emotional, and I will switch to being ecstatic like a laughing madman that I need a straight-jacket.
Why was I talking about weddings again? Shite.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
you are mr.nobody to every one else, so why bother?
There are times when you sit on your own - at an alfresco coffee house, or at a bus station just waiting to get home, or just some place where you can remove yourself from the hustle and bustle of the crowd and the white noise of chatters and sounds, feeling a little bit too adult - just wishing that you could live in a place where you will not be bound by the expectant society, consumerism, freemason (hah!) and pre-determined roles of life.
You did not ask to be born, and yet you have no choice but to live. Thus, when I come to think of it, how much of a personal right do I have as a person really? I should get more than I am getting now, definitely. It is unfair how everything seems to 'shape' me into living the life I am living today.
To what extend am I able to make a decision without having to take into consideration the million aspects like family, other people, religion (sorry, just for argument's sake), expectations and all that gunk?
I wonder, what kind of a person I would be if I were not bound by all these margins and molds.. would I be better than I am today, or worse?
I remembered a film I watched which was a huge Life lesson ever - Mr. Nobody (starring Jared Leto) which truly entails the theme of Life and Choices, which always got me thinking that each and every second of my breathing being is a decision point. Life is a series, or a dotted-line, of decision-making moments. And the big whopping question here: Who makes the decisions? Who connects the dots?
Me.
I chose to write this post. I chose to type these words and letters. I chose to switch on my night lamp. I chose to not close my room door. I chose to wear this pajamas. I chose to sit like this and not like that. I chose to not be upstairs watching telly with my brother. I chose to go to Uni. I chose to befriend them and not the others. I chose to like and hate. I chose to buy. I chose to wear. I chose to fall in love. I chose to be hurt. I chose to take action. I chose to say something. I chose not to say anything. And sometimes, I chose not to choose.
I was the one who made the decisions every time I have to make one in my life. Every second, I approved of my own actions, and I made a conscious or non-conscious gesture of 'choosing' something, anything. Either ways, even if I ended up not doing anything, or saying anything, I still did choose.
Which brings us to my ultimate point, about why life is unfair and the fact that I have so little say about how I live my life. Of course, at every point, there will be people and factors influencing our choices. Like this Hari Raya, I didn't like the kain for my kebaya, but my mom insisted that it was jaw-dropping and I looked lovely wearing it. I wouldn't in a million years have bought it if I was shopping on my own. But words from my mom made me buy it.
You see, it seems as if I was pushed into buying the kain, and I was pushed into wearing something unlike myself, but truth is, it was my choice. I made that decision of submitting to my mother, and choosing to fight back only a little as opposed to strictly disagreeing and sticking to my own fashion sense. I chose to try it on and make her persuade me more, even though I knew I didn't like it the first time I laid eyes on it.
So yes, moral of the story is that it would really be unfair to yourself if you do not realize from now that whatever events that took place in your life were all hand-picked by you and no one else.
If you feel like going for a bungee-jump but your best friend made you feel awful by saying that you might die hanging upside down, which was actually coz he/she was scared to do it him/herself, stop a second and slap yourself in the face. Try to remind yourself again, that if you don't do that jump, you may regret it and worst, you can't blame your bestfriend for telling you otherwise, but you have yourself to be blamed. You made that decision to listen to him/her. In simple equation, you chose not to do the jump, and if you regret it, you can only blame yourself.
Even if you did die hanging while doing the bungee jump, you still can't blame your bestfriend, because you chose not to listen to him/her when he/she asked you not to do it. haha!
Therefore, now that you know whatever you do, you only have yourself to blame and answer to, don't you feel rather good actually? I do feel good when I think about things that way, it made everything much clearer. In fact, it has made me more fearless as I feel that I can't really screw up if I am the only person that I am responsible to.
So next time you're in a rut, trying to figure out how to win a battle of your desires versus others', look at it from this perspective!
roger and out.
ps: Selamat Hari Raya :)
You did not ask to be born, and yet you have no choice but to live. Thus, when I come to think of it, how much of a personal right do I have as a person really? I should get more than I am getting now, definitely. It is unfair how everything seems to 'shape' me into living the life I am living today.
To what extend am I able to make a decision without having to take into consideration the million aspects like family, other people, religion (sorry, just for argument's sake), expectations and all that gunk?
I wonder, what kind of a person I would be if I were not bound by all these margins and molds.. would I be better than I am today, or worse?
I remembered a film I watched which was a huge Life lesson ever - Mr. Nobody (starring Jared Leto) which truly entails the theme of Life and Choices, which always got me thinking that each and every second of my breathing being is a decision point. Life is a series, or a dotted-line, of decision-making moments. And the big whopping question here: Who makes the decisions? Who connects the dots?
Me.
I chose to write this post. I chose to type these words and letters. I chose to switch on my night lamp. I chose to not close my room door. I chose to wear this pajamas. I chose to sit like this and not like that. I chose to not be upstairs watching telly with my brother. I chose to go to Uni. I chose to befriend them and not the others. I chose to like and hate. I chose to buy. I chose to wear. I chose to fall in love. I chose to be hurt. I chose to take action. I chose to say something. I chose not to say anything. And sometimes, I chose not to choose.
I was the one who made the decisions every time I have to make one in my life. Every second, I approved of my own actions, and I made a conscious or non-conscious gesture of 'choosing' something, anything. Either ways, even if I ended up not doing anything, or saying anything, I still did choose.
Which brings us to my ultimate point, about why life is unfair and the fact that I have so little say about how I live my life. Of course, at every point, there will be people and factors influencing our choices. Like this Hari Raya, I didn't like the kain for my kebaya, but my mom insisted that it was jaw-dropping and I looked lovely wearing it. I wouldn't in a million years have bought it if I was shopping on my own. But words from my mom made me buy it.
You see, it seems as if I was pushed into buying the kain, and I was pushed into wearing something unlike myself, but truth is, it was my choice. I made that decision of submitting to my mother, and choosing to fight back only a little as opposed to strictly disagreeing and sticking to my own fashion sense. I chose to try it on and make her persuade me more, even though I knew I didn't like it the first time I laid eyes on it.
So yes, moral of the story is that it would really be unfair to yourself if you do not realize from now that whatever events that took place in your life were all hand-picked by you and no one else.
If you feel like going for a bungee-jump but your best friend made you feel awful by saying that you might die hanging upside down, which was actually coz he/she was scared to do it him/herself, stop a second and slap yourself in the face. Try to remind yourself again, that if you don't do that jump, you may regret it and worst, you can't blame your bestfriend for telling you otherwise, but you have yourself to be blamed. You made that decision to listen to him/her. In simple equation, you chose not to do the jump, and if you regret it, you can only blame yourself.
Even if you did die hanging while doing the bungee jump, you still can't blame your bestfriend, because you chose not to listen to him/her when he/she asked you not to do it. haha!
Therefore, now that you know whatever you do, you only have yourself to blame and answer to, don't you feel rather good actually? I do feel good when I think about things that way, it made everything much clearer. In fact, it has made me more fearless as I feel that I can't really screw up if I am the only person that I am responsible to.
So next time you're in a rut, trying to figure out how to win a battle of your desires versus others', look at it from this perspective!
roger and out.
ps: Selamat Hari Raya :)
2011 on the line
I have no idea why, but right now, I am so very sure of what I will (or want to) be doing next year. In fact, I have a definite, specific plan. There are a few things I want to do. Not big things, but they are small and will be meaningful to me. The only thing is the execution part. Dammit. I haven't got that figured out.
Ah heck, I have nothing to lose and the worst thing that can happen is prolly that I won't be able to get things going according to my plans. But at least I know I tried. I might hate myself, but that I'll deal with later. All I know now is (almost) nothing (except for a few things) can stop me.
carpe diem.
(-the Dead Poets Society)
Ah heck, I have nothing to lose and the worst thing that can happen is prolly that I won't be able to get things going according to my plans. But at least I know I tried. I might hate myself, but that I'll deal with later. All I know now is (almost) nothing (except for a few things) can stop me.
carpe diem.
(-the Dead Poets Society)
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Where is Malaysia?
How much more do you think people notice/know/have heard of Malaysia than Slovenia? (Kidding. hehe. re: Paulo Coelho's Veronika Decides to Die)
Though people may have their own ideas of what and where you are,
you are always one to me: home
Happy Independence Day, Malaysia
Here's to you:
Here's to you:
Song: Made in Malaysia
By: Roots N Boots
Sunday, August 29, 2010
everyday is the first day of my life
"Don't know where I am, where I've been; but I know where I want to go"
song: First Day of My Life
by: Bright Eyes
Saturday, August 28, 2010
a note to remind myself
i just want to write this down so i wont forget.
the wrinkles at the corners of your eyes when you smile
the expression right before you burst into laughter
your imperfect teeth
the soulful gaze
your cheekbones
the way you adjust your wristwatch
the childish jokes
the way you try to play along with my jokes
your passion for food
your passion for me
your passion
on second thought:
your weird neck
your hair when it's combed to the back
your attachment to your past
the expectations you have of me
the secrets you shed
the annoying way you walk when you're sad
the way you always choose where to eat
your passion to fight
how you talk to me when you're tired
the way you're always distracting me
the horrible things that come to mind when i think of you
just the thought of you
the wrinkles at the corners of your eyes when you smile
the expression right before you burst into laughter
your imperfect teeth
the soulful gaze
your cheekbones
the way you adjust your wristwatch
the childish jokes
the way you try to play along with my jokes
your passion for food
your passion for me
your passion
on second thought:
your weird neck
your hair when it's combed to the back
your attachment to your past
the expectations you have of me
the secrets you shed
the annoying way you walk when you're sad
the way you always choose where to eat
your passion to fight
how you talk to me when you're tired
the way you're always distracting me
the horrible things that come to mind when i think of you
just the thought of you
Friday, August 27, 2010
if you think my life is fabulous, please read.
Life has gotten monotonous these days; I almost forgot what I always do for fun. I mean, it's not like my life is a total bore that I can just sleep through it; it's just that somehow, it has become quite a routine. You know, work and what more it's the Ramadhan, I pretty much do the same things everyday:
Wake up, work, go home, break fast, go to mosque for tarawikh, go home, watch tv, sort laundry, sleep. and repeat from beginning.
But who am I to complain, I know I should be grateful. People in North Korea can't even watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians like I can. (it's not like they miss anything haha)
So yeah, thought I'd spice it up a bit and decided to go to the Filmmakers Anonymous 13 just now. I was supposed to go for tarawikh at a friend's house (her dad had some mosque-mates to come and have a mass prayer with food etc), but none of my other friends are going, and I'm quite segan to go coz I was already running late (it was 8.36pm), so I didn't go.
And I went to the Annexe at 9pm. Holy shit, you know, I just realized Central Market is so much like Detroit - it's possibly like one of those ghetto districts you see in the movies. I have been there late at night a few times before, but that was with my neighbour and he sort of took care of me. Other times, I was with my friends. I have to say, when you are alone there, you can feel shading eyes following you until you actually leave their sight.
But I couldn't care less. I brisked through the whole whistling and teasing commotion and reached there safely whilst munching on my Keropok Rota I bought at the news vendor. When I reached there, the event started; I think by that time they've shown about 2 short films.
The Invigilator was awesome. That was my fave. It was about how a male teacher used his students to get a female teacher to go out for a drink with him. Cool stuff. The others were experimentative in a good way, and some are just bland.
I sat next to one of the filmmakers without realizing it, and I felt so embarassed coz there were a few times when I was all like "And that's how they end the story?" or "I seriously don't get the part in the LRT" and he was saying things like "Yeah, that's probably a symbolism of some kind" and "I know, I don't really get it too" for the sake of agreeing with a stranger, I supposed.
The most horrifying thing was when I made a remark about something and he nodded his head vigorously saying "Mm-hmm, yeap, the guys who did this are really trying to be smart" and I later found out that it was actually his film! Shite-ness!
But after the whole Q&A session, I sheepishly apologized and he said it was ok and that he actually appreciated my frank opinion *blush* So I guess, that's settled. haha!
And for tomorrow, I might be breaking fast with some friends (that should be fun) and then attend a poetry reading. Hopefully I get chosen to be one of the jury else I'd be a lame a** audience, coz I ain't gonna read my sh*t up there.
Also for the time being, I will at least have something to look forward to: Penang Trip with colleagues!
Cheerios! (nope, I was not influenced by Glee)
Wake up, work, go home, break fast, go to mosque for tarawikh, go home, watch tv, sort laundry, sleep. and repeat from beginning.
But who am I to complain, I know I should be grateful. People in North Korea can't even watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians like I can. (it's not like they miss anything haha)
So yeah, thought I'd spice it up a bit and decided to go to the Filmmakers Anonymous 13 just now. I was supposed to go for tarawikh at a friend's house (her dad had some mosque-mates to come and have a mass prayer with food etc), but none of my other friends are going, and I'm quite segan to go coz I was already running late (it was 8.36pm), so I didn't go.
And I went to the Annexe at 9pm. Holy shit, you know, I just realized Central Market is so much like Detroit - it's possibly like one of those ghetto districts you see in the movies. I have been there late at night a few times before, but that was with my neighbour and he sort of took care of me. Other times, I was with my friends. I have to say, when you are alone there, you can feel shading eyes following you until you actually leave their sight.
But I couldn't care less. I brisked through the whole whistling and teasing commotion and reached there safely whilst munching on my Keropok Rota I bought at the news vendor. When I reached there, the event started; I think by that time they've shown about 2 short films.
The Invigilator was awesome. That was my fave. It was about how a male teacher used his students to get a female teacher to go out for a drink with him. Cool stuff. The others were experimentative in a good way, and some are just bland.
I sat next to one of the filmmakers without realizing it, and I felt so embarassed coz there were a few times when I was all like "And that's how they end the story?" or "I seriously don't get the part in the LRT" and he was saying things like "Yeah, that's probably a symbolism of some kind" and "I know, I don't really get it too" for the sake of agreeing with a stranger, I supposed.
The most horrifying thing was when I made a remark about something and he nodded his head vigorously saying "Mm-hmm, yeap, the guys who did this are really trying to be smart" and I later found out that it was actually his film! Shite-ness!
But after the whole Q&A session, I sheepishly apologized and he said it was ok and that he actually appreciated my frank opinion *blush* So I guess, that's settled. haha!
And for tomorrow, I might be breaking fast with some friends (that should be fun) and then attend a poetry reading. Hopefully I get chosen to be one of the jury else I'd be a lame a** audience, coz I ain't gonna read my sh*t up there.
Also for the time being, I will at least have something to look forward to: Penang Trip with colleagues!
Cheerios! (nope, I was not influenced by Glee)
Thursday, August 26, 2010
how efficient are you?
wisemen say, those who are efficient, are the ones who piss, shit and fart all at the same time.
well, i am nearly there.
well, i am nearly there.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
is there such a thing as a straight hook?
this song gives me the strange feeling of walking in subways and just recording my every day life. also reminds me of getting myself into innocent troubles. random? ditto.
ah i just generally miss ska-nking. need to break a sweat; should leave all this bs and go fly for coachella or glastonbury! (you know, i might just do that..just have to figure out how..*mind working*)
song: Love Tunnel
by: Crookedhook
ah i just generally miss ska-nking. need to break a sweat; should leave all this bs and go fly for coachella or glastonbury! (you know, i might just do that..just have to figure out how..*mind working*)
song: Love Tunnel
by: Crookedhook
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
when all we need to do is to keep breathing
This is my most favourite scene from Grey's Anatomy, ever.
Over-whelming; you literally feel emotions spilling over as the result of the unability to contain it. Great, great script and acting, filled with lessons of life.
song: Keep Breathing (listen to the full song here)
by: Ingrid Michaelson
Over-whelming; you literally feel emotions spilling over as the result of the unability to contain it. Great, great script and acting, filled with lessons of life.
song: Keep Breathing (listen to the full song here)
by: Ingrid Michaelson
Monday, August 23, 2010
I Don't Care
girls need to teach boys a lesson; they've been naughty!
"act like you don't care, and they come springling back like rubber band!"
(from the film Angus, Thongs, and Perfect Snogging).
Well, if that's how they learn, why not? Haha.
song: I Don't Care
by: 2ne1 (pronounced as 'twenny one')
"act like you don't care, and they come springling back like rubber band!"
(from the film Angus, Thongs, and Perfect Snogging).
Well, if that's how they learn, why not? Haha.
song: I Don't Care
by: 2ne1 (pronounced as 'twenny one')
Report Ramadhan [Part 1]
Bercakap tentang bulan Ramadhan, tentunya pelbagai perkara berenang-renang di minda penganut agama Islam; solat tarawikh, zakat fitrah, morikh, malam tujuh likur, peringatan terhadap insan-insan yang memerlukan, "cleansing of the soul", proses penyahtoksidaan badan, main bunga api dan sebagainya.
Tetapi, ada satu lagi perkara yang paling signifikan apabila tibanya bulan Ramadhan iaitu: waktu berbuka.
Nah, tentu sekali apabila memikirkan waktu berbuka, kita terus diperingatkan kepada Pasar-pasar juadah yang bertebaran diseluruh pelusuk Malaysia. Pelbagai hidangan dan juadah berlegar-legar dalam kotak fikiran. Antara juadah terkenal tatkala tiba bulan yang mulia ini: Roti John, Murtabak, Ayam Perchik, Kerabu, Ikan Bakar, Air Warna-Warni-Banyak-Perwarna, Air Tebu, Tau Foo Fa, dan sejuta muka surat lagi kalau saya nak senaraikan. Semuanya berkelip-kelipan seperti lampu-lampu neon di Las Vegas: "Sirap" "Laksa Johor" "Murtabak Singapura" "Beli Satu Percuma Dua".
Apakan daya, setiap kali aku pergi untuk membeli "satu benda je hari ni, promise", aku akan akhirnya membawa pulang sekurang-kurangnya 3 beg plastik (dah la tak eco-friendly, haish). Mesti ada saja hasutan perut yang meronta-ronta meminta diisi.
Pasar juadah, atau nama lainnya dan lebih komersil, Bazaar Ramadhan, adalah tempat yang harus dikunjungi tiap kali ingin membeli makanan untuk berbuka. Walaupun sunnah Nabi adalah berbuka dengan sebiji buah tamar serta air zam zam, namun rakyat Malaysia lazimnya rakus meng'attack' pasar juadah berdekatan rumah mereka membawa dompet dan payung dalam misi pencarian lauk-pauk dan kuih-muih untuk berbuka pada hari-hari tersebut.
Lebih rakus adalah apabila kita pergi ke pasar juadah bersama rakan taulan, sanak-saudara, adik, kak long, abang usu, mama dan papa, tok nek, jiran dan sebagainya, yang mempunyai pelbagai selera yang berlainan. Jadi apabila seseorang ingin membeli sesuatu (dan mulanya anda tiada niat untuk membeli), anda akan rasa terpengaruh dengan bau makanan itu (dan membayangkan kelazatannya di dalam minda) dan akhirnya menyerah kalah dan membeli sebungkus. Ish, ish. Apakah semua ini?! Pasar juadah ini semua propaganda semata!! (ehem)
Dan rentetan itu, waima Pasar juadah di Malaysia ini adalah yang terbaik di dunia sekali pun, jangan disangkal bahawa apa yang penting, tujuan kita berpuasa. Ini bukanlah sekadar picisan, malahan berpuasa ini bersebab, dan darsa warsa ini, kita semakin mengambil remeh akan hal ini. Berpuasalah dengan ikhlas, semoga saya juga mengambil iktibar. Sekian.
Selamat berpuasa dan beramal kepada semua umat Islam :)
Tetapi, ada satu lagi perkara yang paling signifikan apabila tibanya bulan Ramadhan iaitu: waktu berbuka.
Nah, tentu sekali apabila memikirkan waktu berbuka, kita terus diperingatkan kepada Pasar-pasar juadah yang bertebaran diseluruh pelusuk Malaysia. Pelbagai hidangan dan juadah berlegar-legar dalam kotak fikiran. Antara juadah terkenal tatkala tiba bulan yang mulia ini: Roti John, Murtabak, Ayam Perchik, Kerabu, Ikan Bakar, Air Warna-Warni-Banyak-Perwarna, Air Tebu, Tau Foo Fa, dan sejuta muka surat lagi kalau saya nak senaraikan. Semuanya berkelip-kelipan seperti lampu-lampu neon di Las Vegas: "Sirap" "Laksa Johor" "Murtabak Singapura" "Beli Satu Percuma Dua".
Apakan daya, setiap kali aku pergi untuk membeli "satu benda je hari ni, promise", aku akan akhirnya membawa pulang sekurang-kurangnya 3 beg plastik (dah la tak eco-friendly, haish). Mesti ada saja hasutan perut yang meronta-ronta meminta diisi.
Pasar juadah, atau nama lainnya dan lebih komersil, Bazaar Ramadhan, adalah tempat yang harus dikunjungi tiap kali ingin membeli makanan untuk berbuka. Walaupun sunnah Nabi adalah berbuka dengan sebiji buah tamar serta air zam zam, namun rakyat Malaysia lazimnya rakus meng'attack' pasar juadah berdekatan rumah mereka membawa dompet dan payung dalam misi pencarian lauk-pauk dan kuih-muih untuk berbuka pada hari-hari tersebut.
Lebih rakus adalah apabila kita pergi ke pasar juadah bersama rakan taulan, sanak-saudara, adik, kak long, abang usu, mama dan papa, tok nek, jiran dan sebagainya, yang mempunyai pelbagai selera yang berlainan. Jadi apabila seseorang ingin membeli sesuatu (dan mulanya anda tiada niat untuk membeli), anda akan rasa terpengaruh dengan bau makanan itu (dan membayangkan kelazatannya di dalam minda) dan akhirnya menyerah kalah dan membeli sebungkus. Ish, ish. Apakah semua ini?! Pasar juadah ini semua propaganda semata!! (ehem)
Dan rentetan itu, waima Pasar juadah di Malaysia ini adalah yang terbaik di dunia sekali pun, jangan disangkal bahawa apa yang penting, tujuan kita berpuasa. Ini bukanlah sekadar picisan, malahan berpuasa ini bersebab, dan darsa warsa ini, kita semakin mengambil remeh akan hal ini. Berpuasalah dengan ikhlas, semoga saya juga mengambil iktibar. Sekian.
Selamat berpuasa dan beramal kepada semua umat Islam :)
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
ingin menulis dengan banyak
pernah tak ada perasaan macam ingin menulis dengan kadar yang sangat banyak? seperti ingin menulis, menulis dan menulis tanpa henti? seolah-olah semua perkataan-perkataan yang bakal ditulis dapat meleraikan kekeliruan yang terbuku di minda, dan semua yang telah tertulis menghapuskan setiap jejak sejarah?
dengan harapan semoga apabila menulis, hati yang bergelora ini dapat kembali tenang? semoga dengan rantaian perkataan yang menjadi ayat-ayat akan memperjelas arah yang perlu dituju?
aku sedang berasa seperti itu.
dengan harapan semoga apabila menulis, hati yang bergelora ini dapat kembali tenang? semoga dengan rantaian perkataan yang menjadi ayat-ayat akan memperjelas arah yang perlu dituju?
aku sedang berasa seperti itu.
start again
You think a lot about
the regrets and the doubts
Just walk down the path
No need to do the math
I will wait at the end
to meet you and to mend
all the broken things
that's worth remembering
All the sticks and stones
the flesh and the bones
We'll light up the fire
of our passion and desire
And maybe start again
washing out the taint
writing a new chapter
of life together
the regrets and the doubts
Just walk down the path
No need to do the math
I will wait at the end
to meet you and to mend
all the broken things
that's worth remembering
All the sticks and stones
the flesh and the bones
We'll light up the fire
of our passion and desire
And maybe start again
washing out the taint
writing a new chapter
of life together
of old friends
My hair smelt of smoke from the ciggie lit by my friend. It has been almost two years since I met and catched up with her. We first met each other on the first day of orientation day at our Uni and were just out of school.
That was 5 years ago. Things have radically changed. She still looked quite the same, but somehow, the things she went through made her look more matured. I listened attentively to the anecdotes that she passionately told me - her life was a mess. She is now picking herself back up, and looking pretty good.
I actually like listening to life stories from people. I learn a lot from them. Her friends later came to join, and I ordered myself another cup of iced mocha. The stories continued.
What I like about meeting old friends is that, no matter how long you haven't met each other, you can always pick up where you left everytime you meet. We weren't as close as we would like to be, but we are consistently checking up on each other.
I last called her on her birthday this year, and decided to ring her up again today, just randomly. Just as spontaneous as the phone call was, we decided to meet up after breaking fast. The venue was not a problem - The Usual Place, as we call it.
It was one of the successful impromptu plans we have ever made. Usually, somebody would be asking for a raincheck, and it would be months before we make another plan.
I foresee many more random meetings such as this, and it is quite refreshing to be able to let off some steam once in a while with old and warm friends - they get your jokes, hehe.
That was 5 years ago. Things have radically changed. She still looked quite the same, but somehow, the things she went through made her look more matured. I listened attentively to the anecdotes that she passionately told me - her life was a mess. She is now picking herself back up, and looking pretty good.
I actually like listening to life stories from people. I learn a lot from them. Her friends later came to join, and I ordered myself another cup of iced mocha. The stories continued.
What I like about meeting old friends is that, no matter how long you haven't met each other, you can always pick up where you left everytime you meet. We weren't as close as we would like to be, but we are consistently checking up on each other.
I last called her on her birthday this year, and decided to ring her up again today, just randomly. Just as spontaneous as the phone call was, we decided to meet up after breaking fast. The venue was not a problem - The Usual Place, as we call it.
It was one of the successful impromptu plans we have ever made. Usually, somebody would be asking for a raincheck, and it would be months before we make another plan.
I foresee many more random meetings such as this, and it is quite refreshing to be able to let off some steam once in a while with old and warm friends - they get your jokes, hehe.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
pulling my heartstrings
How can i possibly forget Korea?
I was checking my e-mail this morning, and this is what I received from my Korean friend:
Photo quality is not so good, as she probably took it with her camera phone.
But that aside, look at how cute the "tears" are!! so comical!!
She had a letter she attached together with this photo, but I ain't gonna put it up here. For my eyes only haha.
Sigh. Damn, I wish I can stay in Korea longer.
I was checking my e-mail this morning, and this is what I received from my Korean friend:
Photo quality is not so good, as she probably took it with her camera phone.
But that aside, look at how cute the "tears" are!! so comical!!
She had a letter she attached together with this photo, but I ain't gonna put it up here. For my eyes only haha.
Sigh. Damn, I wish I can stay in Korea longer.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
and yet, again.
him: you're naturally a happy person.
her: heh? no, but i'm always sad.
him: you like happy songs.
her: no, i like sad songs too.
him: yes, the sad songs you like have depressing lyrics but, they have happy tunes.
her: oh. i never noticed things like that about myself.
him: i know.. but i do.
*insert happy background music*
her: heh? no, but i'm always sad.
him: you like happy songs.
her: no, i like sad songs too.
him: yes, the sad songs you like have depressing lyrics but, they have happy tunes.
her: oh. i never noticed things like that about myself.
him: i know.. but i do.
*insert happy background music*
:)
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Good to be home.
I am back from Seoul, Korea. I arrived pretty late last night, and my brain and my body just refused to function anymore. I walked and walked and climbed stairs the whole time I was in Korea.
So the only option I had was to just sleep. Thankfully, my manager allowed me to work from home today.
As I am writing this, I hear my mom humming to the faint sound of the radio in the kitchen; she's cleaning something up. My dad just woke up, and suddenly walked straight to the laundry basket to find a key (wth). Me, I am in my pajamas facing the window looking out. Sunny.
Something feels really homey.
Although I really miss every single memory and all the new friends I made in Korea (and a few particular people tihihi), I think it's good to be home. I have cushioned whatever troubles I had before leaving, and now I am comforted.
The people and things that I love most are here. It is good to be home.
p/s: updates on all things Korea coming up (sooner or later haha).
So the only option I had was to just sleep. Thankfully, my manager allowed me to work from home today.
As I am writing this, I hear my mom humming to the faint sound of the radio in the kitchen; she's cleaning something up. My dad just woke up, and suddenly walked straight to the laundry basket to find a key (wth). Me, I am in my pajamas facing the window looking out. Sunny.
Something feels really homey.
Although I really miss every single memory and all the new friends I made in Korea (and a few particular people tihihi), I think it's good to be home. I have cushioned whatever troubles I had before leaving, and now I am comforted.
The people and things that I love most are here. It is good to be home.
p/s: updates on all things Korea coming up (sooner or later haha).
Saturday, August 07, 2010
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
pursuit of loneliness
All the lonely people -
Where do they all come from?
-Lennon and McCartney
Currently reading The Pursuit of Loneliness by Philip Slater.
A very old book, published in 1970, sometime around the Revolution. The author found that most people during this time invested so much of everything they have for the sake of self development and for their country, that finally after all that, they found themselves feeling lonely.
So the author inferred that most people would then rather just be mediocre and earn as they need, as long as they have somebody else to enjoy it with. I guess that was when everybody turned hippie.
I found the book at my Atok's house; stashed underneath some other heavy books in an antique wooden cupboard. The smell of old books has always fascinated me.
I haven't been reading it consistently; it has been in stages. And I always find it difficult to adjust again to the way the book is written - using economy, politics and history to reveal the simplest of human necessity: a sense of belonging.
Slater provides with remarkable historical events that supports his ideas of how each and everyone of us, are actually in the pursuit of loneliness (rather than 'happiness').
I am still reading it now.
So what can I say. I guess it was, and still is, a lonely world out there.
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