Wrecking Ball.

Feels dark in there. Light's are off.






We clawed, we chained, our hearts in vain
We jumped, never asking why
We kissed, I fell under your spell
A love no one could deny

Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can't live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me

I put you high up in the sky
And now, you're not coming down
It slowly turned, you let me burn
And now, we're ashes on the ground

I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
And instead of using force
I guess I should've let you win
I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
I guess I should've let you win

Don't you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me

I came in like a wrecking ball
Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung
Left me crashing in a blazing fall
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me

Just enough.

Swimming in the Darkest Eyes

I swim in the darkest black
of your eyes

Those curtains to your windows
they seem so heavy

Your tears spill over
and trickle down your facade

The gaze I used to hold
move towards the gravity

I swim and I see
nothingness, weariness

Your soul has long begone
the body that you carry

Your eyes crowded
with nothing important

Your gaze is sharp
but it goes through me

Those eyes are my home
no more

Those eyes that used to light up
now are dim

Those eyes that first gave me butterflies
are now any stranger's eyes.

Why Didn't You Save Me?

Drowning
In the matter that is the world.

Suffocating
In the small space of insignificance.

Trembling
To grasp the fictitious whimper of hope.

Grasping
For the nonexistent scaffolding of strength.

Limping
Through coarse grizzles of broken lungs.

Screaming
In loud ignored whispers.

Waving, Crying, Kneeling
For help.

Life in Point Form

Overwhelming.

Like trying to fill the glass of soda as much as you can and have the froth spilling over.

Few things:

1. Will be voting first time this year for the General Election. Excited to be a part of history, albeit I'm just one out of the 13.26 million voters this year. My decision counts.

2. Will be anchoring the GE with live updates covering every nook and cranny in Malaysia, and every possible range of sectors.

3. Impossibly high benchmarks to match and break.

4. More people waiting to break you down.

5. I'm the only person I can trust right now, and even then I still can't trust myself sometimes.


And finally but most importantly: I'm exhausted. Really, really exhausted.


*On a side note, I'm beyond happy that Spotify has reached our shores. But still find myself dedicating a tab for my Grooveshark. Good stuff.

**Another side not: Suddenly miss the cold breeze of Glenelg Beach in Adelaide. Where it would swish swoosh my hair but doesnt make it frizzy. Miss looking out across the sea to mere nothingness, while the sun melts as it reach the tip of the horizon. Miss being free.

Click here to be linked to a song I'm dedicating to you. Surprise.

That One Step

I was spending some time in the dark last night - recalling events in glimpses that come together. Almost like a filtered collage of memories that're put on top of each other layer by layer. A little overwhelming, but enough so.

I recalled thinking "Oh well."

It's a handy tool of communication: "Oh well"s.

It serves as a sign that you acknowledge things that have happened, and still have some hope for things about to happen.

Life has been amazing of course. But Life is not Life without turbulence and problems.It's an SOP. In fact, the better your life is, the bigger your problems are. Unless you're effing lucky; which I'm not.

I feel like in this moment, no matter how much I say and whatever it is that I say, it's going to add up to only one little fact. The fact that I have grown to be a better, and more mature person than I used to be.

And I am proud of that. Despite the things that have occurred, this is the silver lining. Above all, this is the only thing I ever wanted.

Memories will still be memories. They well always be kept safely in my mind and in my heart. But time will always be time. And there is no time to go back, but to only move forward.

As I'm writing this, I have one feet ahead of the other. I'm taking that step - the step that will shift me from where I am.

 Cheers to Life.

Let Her Go by Passenger

"Only know you love her when you let her go.."

The Road I Should Have Taken

I was never her.. who you wanted me to be. Who you had hoped for me to be.

In truth, I was already broken beyond fixing. I am flawed beyond repair.
I am everything you had hoped I was not.

My hope was not for you to be someone you weren't.
Never. 

My hope was to get a glimpse of happiness, if it was possible.. if I had deserved.

But clearly it was for someone else. It was for someone better. Someone deserving.

I have understood this a long time ago, but I was stubborn. 

I thought I could change my fate.

But what I am is a prisoner of my own fate. 

How foolish of me to think I have the power to change my life!

How stupid!

I am so ashamed that I can't even bring myself to look into the mirror.

Who is that girl? Why would she think a happy ending is in her cards?

Maybe I asked for too much. Maybe I was bound to hit a wall to realize. 

After all, I was never meant to fall too deep or be willing to take a bullet.

Now that it has finally come to a dead end, I decided I will jump over the edge.

For I never will turn back and trod the same road.

I made a mistake once, and I shall never do it twice.

Unless it is written by You.

Como esta?

"How are you?"

Every time I get asked that question, I seem to lose the ability to speak.

Actually, I have no idea where to begin. Not even sure if the person is sincere enough to really know how I'm doing. Or maybe it's a form of conversation-starter so that the person on the other side of the conversation can start rambling about his/her great/shitty life.

Like i.e.

X: How are you?

Me: Err..

X: Hope things are great! By the way, I just bought a new car!! And it has a super engine and..

Me: *constantly nodding head to appear attentive to the conversation*

Yeap.

So what about when I'm the one asking the question?

I gotta admit, sometimes when I ask "how are you?" I expect a really brief answer. Like ten words is pushing it. This happens if I'm on my way to do something or go somewhere and I bum into you. Or if we've only known each other through a mutual friend on Facebook where we constantly see each others' faces on tagged photos. Or you're a distant family member.

Then the ideal situation would be:

Me: Hey! How are you?

You: I'm fine thanks! (Even if you're not) And you?

Me: Yeah, I'm doing well! (Even if I'm not) Listen I gotta run. Nice meeting you!

You: Yeah, you take care!

Two sentences each would suffice.


But, if you are a good friend of mine; someone whom I've made a pact to die with together if Armageddon were to hit, or if the Zombie Apocalypse is real after all.. or my blood and flesh, or someone I sleep and wake up looking at.. then I expect more than a "fine". Coz "fine" does not mean a single legit thing in this world. In fact, in most cases where "fine" is used, the person using it is "not fine".

Demo situation.

Me: Hey! How are you?

You: I'm fine, thanks.

Me: (what does she/he mean by that?!)

Not cool. Not ideal.


Ideal situation where I expect to happen without me having to ask "No, really how ARE you?"

Me: Hey! How are you?

You: OMG. We have to sit down and get coffee.

Me: (Liking the intensity of it already) Wow, ok. Something happened?

You: Yea! You know that job I had? I quit. Bla bla bla (continue story)

That, my friend, is a REAL conversation. This applies to online conversations as well. (Not that I'd appreciate it if we were to be face to face and still be talking via our gadgets. No sir.)

So lesson of the day, it is largely important for every single human being no matter what ethnicity, language or the kind of brutal or civilized culture you grow up with to know that it is immensely important to know how to communicate well especially in these two key, most commonly used, conversation starters.

If you ask someone "How are you?" make sure you mean it. And if you're on the other end, having to answer the question.. know your place and answer adequately.

Thank you, class dismiss.

Moving Pictures Silent Films

Moving Pictures Silent Films by Great Lake Swimmers

"Or is this the dream I've been saving? / Oh where the heart beats slower and slower / To almost nothing"

Keepin' it 100%

Got real inspired today. It must be the Friday mojo.

Hell, that's why people love Fridays.

You do nothing, be a fool then get mad genius ideas.

Like ma boi always say "We keep it one hunned!"

Yeah. 100%.

And that's how imma do.

Pursuit of Happyness

It is such a common thought that happiness is a destination..

.. that when you finally reach the destination - in whatever form it is that you have imagined - the sensation is indescribable.. that you will have sparks going on around you and neon lights blinking, illuminating the word: HAPPY. HAPPY. HAPPY.

Like, I am sure I will be happy if I can drive a Porsche.

But no.

As we have been told a lot, happiness is the journey - the pursuit.

And I have learned to actually believe that saying.

I find that happiness comes in small packages too. That it happens in moments you would normally dismiss. 

For example. Most people think they are only happy when they land the job of their dreams. Or get a huge a mount of money. Or get married.

Yes that makes you happy too.

But relatively speaking, you can feel as happy when someone actually replied your text instantly, or someone you've not heard from in a long time gave you a surprise call.

What I'm trying to say here is that happiness is defined in so many ways and it is up to you.

For me now, to get good, quality 10-min nap in between my hectic day makes me happy.

To share a meal with my boyfriend, even at a roadside stall makes me happy.

To just see my parents for 30 seconds when I say bye to them before going to work at 4am in the morning makes me the happiest girl in the world.

I want to be grateful with all the little things that I never noticed but have made me happy before.

I want to believe that happiness is attainable.

I want to always be happy, and to always find things that will make me happy when I am not.

Goodbye 2012, Hello 2013

How do you say it? 

Two-Oh-Twelve or Twenty Twelve?

I say it as Two-Oh-Effing-Twelve.

It has been one hell of a ride, and I still can't believe I made it out alive.

As any other year, a lot has happened. But this time around, I hit so many milestones that I just can't help giving myself a pat on the back.

I made important life decisions, chose between crossroads, fell and stood up by myself and all in all just tried to be a champion at battles against myself.

Whether I succeeded.. let's wait for the answer this year and see if I can reap the rewards.

And before I start complaining and whining I want to just say one thing:

Alhamdulillah.

I truly appreciate all that I have gained throughout this year (and all through my life).

Thank you Allah. I know I have been asking for too much, that I sometimes forget to thank You.

All the hard truths, brutal experiences.. I appreciate them all.

Very loving and harmonious family who's always there for me regardless, understanding boyfriend who I can't imagine living without now, a few great friends that I really cherish, fun acquaintances and new friends, nice colleagues and workplace, a job that I'm starting to really have a soft spot for, comfortable new house (where I finally have my own room), and the ability to travel as I want.

Thank you.

The only standing question now is, what was I doing at the end of 2012 and the start of 2013?

I was here.

I was praying right in front of the Kaabah, with a few thousand other Muslims from all over the world.

It was definitely an amazing opportunity and I count myself lucky.

Definitely the right way to end and start the year. I pray that I will be able to make this an annual tradition.

And so to 2012, I thank you for being a great teacher of experience, and I have come out a little wiser.

I look forward to a rocky (where's the fun in not having a few turbulances? :p) yet fruitful year with the people I love the most around me.

And now I officially say so long to you 2012, a year that I used to know and you shall be in the equation that makes me who I am right now.

And I say hello 2013. Please treat me well.


The Best of Me - The Starting Line

Hard Enough

Hard Enough by Brandon Flowers

"Where would I be tonight if you hadn't held me here, in your arms?"

Take A Break From Me.

Keroncong Untuk Ana by Qi Razali feat Yuna (M. Nasir Cover)

Blowing Candles

Celebrated my birthday this year feeling extremely loved :)

25

Today is my birthday.

In fact, just about an hour ago.

I turn 25 this year - a year older, a little bit wiser, and also slightly bitter.

Older by age, never by heart. Wiser with experience, but not by time. And bitter.. bitter because another birthday means another year has gone by, and that means the clock is still ticking.. not at all compromising.

What has happened in the span of a year?

A lot.

Too many things, that I feel like I've actually lived two.

I decided few weeks ago that I prefer 24 to 25. But last year I preferred 23 to 24. Will I be faced with this crucial biasness every year? Maybe.

They say age is just a number. But it is a number that haunts, and scar people. A number that hallmarks people's lives. It is a sign of living, and how life is lived.

So for now I beg, let me make enemies with being 25 first, before I turn 26 next year.. And then I'm sure I will like being 25 by then.

And oh, happy birthday to me.

Musim Hujan

They say babies born around the end of the year are always more mellow, and morbid.

I was born in December, so I can testify to that.

I think it's the monsoon and rainy weather, and the winter season.

Anyways, what country is more gloomy and mellow than Iceland.

So here's another Icelandic delight, to feed your ears.




Horfid by Lay Low

It's Deepavali tomorrow, and school holiday has begun.

Then it's Christmas, and New Year.

I love year-ends. It spells family-time, loved ones, feasts, holidays, celebrations and happy people.

Not gloomy or morbid at all ;)

Silver Lining

Love, Love, Love by Of Monsters and Men


Well, maybe I'm a crook for stealing your heart away
And maybe I'm a crook for not caring for it
Maybe I'm a bad, bad, bad.. bad person
Well, baby I know.

So I think it's best
We both forget
Before we dwell on it.

The way you held me so tight
All through the night
'til it was near morning

Cause you love, love, love
When you know I can't love
You love, love, love
When you know I can't love
You love, love, love
When you know I can't love

And these fingertips
Will never run through your skin
Those bright blue eyes
Can only meet mine across the room
Filled with people that are less important than you.