Dream/Reality Car

I am not a big automobile person. I know only the general stuff about cars, and don't really have strong opinions about them.

But the moment I set eyes on this one particular car, I was hooked.

Presenting, my future car..

The Peugeot 208 XY

It has everything I want in a car. Specs-wise, I'm not too particular about but it has all the basics and more.

In terms of design, it was love at first sight.

Hello, purple leather interior finishing? Win!

And my favorite part:

The purple LED trimming the overhead panoramic window.

And this:

Purple LED-lit dashboard!

The purple color only comes in the XY version. The normal Peugeot 208 comes in various colors and specs to choose from.

This car is currently not out in the Malaysian market yet. It will start entering the European market Q4 this year, and Q1 of 2013 for Malaysia. Exact release dates are still not confirmed, but it will be distributed by Nasim Sdn. Bhd.

To drool, go over to this link: Peugeot 208 XY

Prepare a bucket. And enough savings. Don't say I didn't warn you!


Sources: Many, from Google.

Give Thanks

I believe in miracles!

And luck!

Still in disbelief that me and the boyfriend actually won the Hitz.fm Fugitive, the last bounty!!

Alhamdulillah :)

Tuesday Morning

Tuesday Morning created with cinemagr.am

Being Anon.

People notice. They observe. They take mental notes.

Truth is, you are not thinking too much.. they really do.

And most days, you want to just be a wall; any common wall. A paint-coated wall.

Maybe a thing, anything, that has an amazing camouflage ability.

Water, perhaps? Simply because you cannot single out one drop of water out of a larger body of water.

You just want to blend in, to just be another face in the crowd.

To be a speck in a pool of spots. A string of hair on a head full of it; one minute sand on a beach; a star amidst all the stars in the universe.

To be nothing, nobody.. but anonymous.

Royal Encounter

Said hello to Kate Middleton. Still so surreal!

Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, Prince William and Catherine Middleton

Pebble in the Ocean

Everyone has their take on Love. Some say the way it works is funny, complicated, uncontrollable.

I think it works like randomly throwing a pebble in the vast ocean; and not knowing where it will land or if it'll ever even land properly.

You just gotta believe in it.

Higher Love

Higher Love by James Vincent McMorrow


Apart from being thoroughly obsessed with Icelandic musical maestros, I have also been extremely infatuated with Irish folk singer songwriters i.e. the above and Damien Rice.

On a slightly different note, I have been very happy lately. In fact it is an impossible amount of happiness that I thought I would never feel.

I was thinking loudly the other day; you lose some, you win some. And how true are those words that I have now gain something so much better, something I have only been dreaming of my entire life.

I have only been so used to expressing my anger and my sorrows that I am incapable of showing how happy I feel, but I am learning and that's something I'm happy to do.

I Wish I Didn't Love You

by Chelsea Fagan

It’s hard to remember the time before I loved you. It exists all in some kind of vague, dull haze — a primordial soup of half-feelings and tired complacency. I know that it was good at the time, that I felt the peaks and valleys of happiness just as acutely as I do now, but I can’t remember it. It’s as though life was in black-and-white then, that every edge was dulled and noise muffled, and I didn’t know that color was an option. It was perfectly acceptable to go through life in this cloudy facsimile of what life could actually be, unaware that so much could change with the addition of a certain kind of love. How could I have known that the grass could be this Technicolor green, that morning coffee could be so deep and rich and sweet, that clouds could stand out so perfectly puffy-white against a sky too blue to look at? I wish I didn’t know this world, that you hadn’t shown it to me, because I can’t ever go back to the muted one I lived in before.

I wish I did not constantly struggle to remind myself that I am good, too, that I don’t need anyone to complete me or to make things okay — that I am not a puzzle with a jagged piece missing in the center. But I must often be talked back from the ledge of consumption, of feeling as though life is distinctly less worth living if this love does not exist within it. I tell myself that such a position is incredibly risky, that it is taking a jump without a parachute and hoping that you land on something soft — but I don’t listen. I am so much happier to let the undertow take me out far, far past the shore, to a distance I could not swim back from, rather than spend my days fighting against this wonderful, comforting current.

Will I forget who I am without you? What is the ultimate emotional toll of seeing yourself more as half of a whole than an entity to be cultivated and loved and improved on its own? Does one fade further and further into dependency and compromise, a copy of a copy of a copy of the full person they used to be? I wish I didn’t worry that I was suppressing some incredible life of personal agency and freedom. I wish that I could say that life is still being lived entirely on my terms, that I didn’t consider my future and my decisions as things to be made by consensus of two. I think about your plans, and wonder first if they coincide with mine. I wonder where they will take me, how they will twist and tangle with the plans I see, and what it will end up doing to the both of us. There is so much to love about the life lived totally for oneself, that considers only the dreams and aspirations and pleasures of one, in which life is a limitless hallway of open doors. And yet, I find myself even more excited at the prospect of taking your life and your desires into mine — did I lose that young, free, enterprising spirit? I wish I didn’t care so deeply about what you think.

And there is always the possibility, no matter how deep and consuming this love is right now, that it could all come to an unceremonious end one day. Like someone switching off a light as they walk out of a room, the connection that we have invested so deeply in could be stopped too abruptly to prepare for. There could come a moment when you or I wake up and feel markedly less passionate than we did the day before, when our love turns into a vague kind of discomfort, when we realize that we have fallen out of whatever this was and need to immediately begin looking for the EXIT sign. What if the other is still deeply involved? What if they watch as the love crumbles before their eyes, pulls farther and farther away from itself, until you hold the other in your arms and feel as though you’re grasping at gusts of wind? I have had nightmares of confronting this reality, of accepting that so much of my happiness was constructed on something so fragile, so impossible to guarantee. What then? Do I just put one foot in front of the other and pretend as though this whole passage of my life never occurred?

Life would be so simple without this love, without the fear and complexity and consideration of another impossible-to-understand human that it brings. I could live every day secure in the knowledge that I couldn’t be hurt, that I was in control of my destiny, and that nothing was stopping me from living in a perfect, selfish playground of the id. I could fall in love with myself instead, be thrilled by my own successes and challenges, and not sacrifice an ounce of my personal agency. I could be free. But I can’t pretend that I want that, that such a life — no matter how appealing it might have been before I met you — could ever appeal to me now. There is a part of me that, no matter how terrifying such love is, has become fully addicted to the feeling of symbiotic need, that gets a contact high from every sentence that starts with “we.” I wish I didn’t love you in such a precarious, unfiltered way; but I am so very, very glad that I do.

From: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/i-wish-i-didnt-love-you/#Bl3oJjLyImQ7f6M3.99

Penny Lane

Your Call

Funny how life works is working out.

Yep.

L

I had a friend.

We used to be close, but I guess not anymore. But it's fine.

I wonder what she wore for first Hari Raya yesterday. She always plans her outfits for special occasions. It's little things such as this that make her who she is.

I know she's happy; probably happier without me.

I miss her, and wish her well.

On Love

Love: Illustrated Diary Excerpts by Susan Sontag

“Nothing is mysterious, no human relation. Except love.”

click photo for larger view

To You.

To one particular person..

All Night.

I feel like I could just lie on my back in a desert, looking up at the clear sky 

peppered with glittering stars..

with you.

Demo #2

Demo #2 by The Khaki Scouts

A friend recommended and I instantly fell in love.

You might want to get to know her a little bit better, so head on here: Chandler the Robot

Falling

I'm falling..

for you.

Amanda (Haystacks), 2011

Photograph by Ryan McGinley, one of my favorite artists.

Miss Me

Dear Whom It May Concern

Is it possible to be this happy?

Or will there be a catch somewhere.

Please, spare me this time.

Pretty Lights

The lights are on.

Someone's in.

Perfectionism

Just One Look

I've made up my mind.

This will be my wedding song, for the first dance with my future husband.





Just One Look by Doris Troy

Antidote

In a few months' time, it will be a year since you-know-what.

I can't say that things have changed, or neither have they not.

I am still waiting.. for certainty.

On a different note, I feel extremely happy this weekend, despite the fact that I have to work, and in the wee hours. Listened to 22 important songs that put me to sleep last night.

Bumpy roads ahead, but I know I have nothing to fear.

Come on whatever challenge you may be, I'll take you by the horns you b-tch!

Matters of a Heart

Saw a real heart with my eyes today.

I also saw it stop beating.

It made me think: it's just an organ.

But an organ so powerful, that people can't live without.

Magic Eraser

I want a Magic Eraser, or rather I need one.

This eraser is made especially to erase every single memory that you wouldn't want to ever recall again.

It is angular in shape which makes it easy for you to pick a particular point in your life, a moment, whatever, and erase just that.

I probably need to do a lot of erasing, and it's not easy when I am such a sentimentalist. I hoard memories, keepsakes. I hold on to things (too much, sometimes).

I hate the past. As of this moment.


p/s: I like making mistakes http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/vaster-emptiness-achieved/

Brighter Days

In My Way

It rained, out of the blue.

We all thought it was going to be sunny all day; as the morning sun looked promising.

So we hung endless row of clothes, socks, underwear on pegs; dusted all the shoes, carpets.. whatever that is in need of a greeting sun.

And then it rained, and I was left alone to bring all of that in. By the end, I was soaked.

I thought, Why must it rain? Why?

And then I thought again:

Why not?


So I ran into the heavy rain that was pounding on my skin and just stood there. It's just water anyway.

I haven't played in the rain since I was a kid and have mucus hanging from my nose. This should be good.

And I stood there for God-knows how long; with eyes closed and letting the stinging coldness of possible acid rain simmer in to my flesh.

I loved it. Refreshing.

While the beat of millions by millions of raindrops stomping on surface entertain my ears, I recalled the overtly famous Malay proverb:

Kusangka panas hingga ke petang, rupanya hujan di tengahari.


Like life, things happen unexpectedly. Things happen unplanned. And like that Carly Rae Jepsen song "Call Me Maybe".. all I did was throw a wish in the well, and now you're in my way.

In This Moment

Just sitting in a neighbourhood cafe; flirting with this sexy whipcream they put atop of my mocha.

Looking around at the amount of strangers who are apparently not at work, and listening to music.

Can this be the life?

What? Isn't this what people do when they're alone and bored? Hehe.

Ok, currently, this very moment, soundtrack of my life would be: 

Cigarette Burns by Flunk

Funky tune, and a girl with a dimple. What's not to love?

One Morning

Una Mattina by Ludovico Einaudi

Saw a French film recently, Intouchables - it was amazing. Not so much of the technicalities or visual aesthetics (although yes, the background is Paris), but it was just the simple, clean-cut story line.



I think somehow, what made it a good film was the fact that it has the resonance of "realness". Intouchables was based on a true story, and I will not spoil it here, but do watch if you can.

Throughout the entire film, I remembered listening to only two kinds of background music:
1) Songs by Earth, Wind and Fire 
2) Songs by Ludovico Einaudi


I instantly fell in love with the piano solo by Ludovico Einaudi. Repeated the end credit over and over just to listen to Una Mattina.


Una Mattina is translated as One Morning.

Mermaid

Mermaid by Yuna

Someone Out of Town

Someone Out of Town by Yuna

It Will Happen

What I've learned through time:

It doesn't matter what people say or think, you'll only believe the things you want to believe.

I don't have everything; the success package. But I have relentless courage, and endless optimism.

And I believe, it will happen. It will happen.

Amin.

6 Things I Do Everyday

I spend every single day doing these things:

1) Work

2) Sleep

3) Eat

4) Personal hygiene

5) TV

6) Missing you

Shallow Insight on Things

Toilets - they are one of the most important facilities in our lives, and yet under-appreciated. My favourite toilet, is surprisingly, not the one in my home which I often use. But in fact, it is the one in my ex-office (the advertising company I worked at before). It has the appropriate amount of width and height; space around the toilet bowl for you to swing both your hands around in cases of "boredom", and the most important factor for me: absolute white. The entire four sides of the toilet cubicle is so white that when you stare into any of the sides for long enough, it almost seem endless. You feel like you're floating in space. I get high every time I sit in that toilet - to do my business, or to think. Also, the toilet is always, always dry. Ahh, the little things in life.

You're an Island

Island by Yuna

TMI

I feel like there's too much information out there that I just suffocate myself at the end of every process of trying to dive my nose in and swallow it all.

There are so many things that I don't want to know, but I found out, coz they are there in the open.

I don't want to know things I don't want to know; I don't want to read about them, see them, or talk about them in conversations just coz both you and me got to know about it, although we both feel it's not something we would want to know and talk about.

And the sources; it's unbelievable how you can be blamed for not knowing a certain piece of information because all the available forms of communication and resources subjected you to a responsibility to know everything, even without your full consent.

Working in the news room, I feel like I know so many unnecessary things; but I need to dig in through all the shitty stories to uncover gems - important news.

I need to develop thicker filter, be more selective.

By the end of every day, I spend a good hour just staring into space all by myself to detox my brain, empty my recycle bin.

Tired of information. The world is TMI.

I will explode and pieces of my brain will splatter across this screen. Oh sorry, TMI.

Even Though I'm A Woman

Even Though I'm A Woman by Seeker Lover Keeper

Every single word.

Shake Yo Bootay

On the Arrow.

At this age, I am nowhere close to where I should be; at least not by my own standards. I cried, the night of my 24^th birthday last December. Don’t start about owning a car and a house; I haven’t even gotten a Master’s Degree like I planned to.

I’m sure this is one of the many life lessons I’m supposed to learn from – that none of your plans will go accordingly. I hit so many road blocks, that I’m starting to think this process of maturity is hindering me from actually getting there.

But of course, nothing wrong with that if you’re an optimist, you know it’s going to turn out fine for you at the end of the day, no matter what.  Maybe you’re just tired of waiting for things to be alright – at the expense of time, especially when you’re not getting younger.  And I’m an impatient person.

If life is the ocean, I’d definitely be in the middle of it; just floating and drifting without a life jacket, not seeing a glimpse of where the end of it is, not the beach, not a boat, not even an island, looking up at the sky, and not even knowing the end of that either.  And most importantly, not knowing the day I would give up and just drown to death.

I hope at least five years from now, when I look back at this post, and think how ridiculous I was for worrying too much. How stupid to even think I would drown and not make it out alive.

But for now, I feel like I’m on the arrow; I feel a sense of the motion, I feel like something is bringing me somewhere, but I have no idea where the arrow would hit, and if it’s the target I was aiming for.

Zen-tastic!

I think that it's true, how you actually become calmer as you grow older. I'm a very emotional person, in the sense that I react heavily to how I feel at any particular moment. And I will react in the most extreme ways. I never am just happy, I am ecstatic. I am never just sad, I am always devastated and heart-broken. I am all or nothing. So it's naturally a strain when I have to control how I feel and how I show my emotions to other people. But now, I think the hard rocks of life have shaped me to fit in the mild and average. I take deep breaths more than anything else now, and I view life with Zen-eyes. Hahaha. Well, life's a bitch. Either you become one yourself, or accept it the way it is.

The One Where I Worked Hard (and Whined)

Newsflash: I've got a new job now. Haha, and it's a challenging one! Never would have thought I'd be doing this (I kind of avoid it actually), but well, here I am. This is the pulse of the future, right here. Where the Happened, Happening and the About-to-Happen are.

I have a love/hate relationship with this new job so far. I either extremely love it, or hate it at one point. Stepping out a bit, I feel like I've been ranting so much about work in my blog recently. And I can hear non-existent readers doing the "aaaahhh not again!". Yes, work has consumed me unwillingly.

There's still the party spirit somewhere in here, not to fret :)

So yes, tomorrow's a big day for me. No, it's humongous. It's beyond my imagine. It's surreal that I would think this is a big deal, but it is. It really is.

I'm not saying you should understand what I'm talking about coz I'm being very vague here, but it's a GIANT deal for me, so just get a sense of that.

Tomorrow.

And I'm freaking out.

Also, I currently have two jobs. I'm so greedy for money when the only thing I need now is sleep, really. You're right, I need to prioritize:
1) Sleep 2) Some lovin' 3) Money

My daily routine involves work and taking a bath whenever I can. I've lost all form of authentic human contact and real conversations. I forgot what shopping feels like, I remember only vaguely the sensation of the sun spilling over my skin, I haven't even listened to music that much any more! :(

I work from 5am everyday and finish up around 12am.


************************************

Some headlines these past few weeks (coz I'm bad with mental notes):

1. Whitney Houston left us. RIP, you'll always be my favorite.
2. Sniffed the same air as Feist, M83 and other awesome people.
3. Got interviewed by Zack Yusof, the 33RPM guy on BFM 89.9
4. Met Zack again while we're both at work and he remembered me as "the Laneway Girl"
5. Bonded with parents at an amazing level.
6. Discovered that I am pretty masculine.
7. Badly missing some people.
8. Other things that has really left my memory trail (I'm sure it'll come back some time soon).


Special shoutout: Thank you Allah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulilah.

The One Where I Survived A Psycho

I have pretty much lived up to the expression "sun-kissed" now as I just got back from Singapore; where I spent an entire day and night outdoors in the scorching hot fiasco for the Laneways Festival. I'm not going to rub it in for you guys who didn't go (well not now at least, maybe in another post :p) but I can tell you getting sunburnt is really uncool.

Thing is, I'm already sort of tanned, so I don't really care about the color of my skin now, it's just the fact that I like to laugh-out-loud and now whenever I laugh or smile and stretch my cheeks it gets really painful! Not funny.

So that was quite a highlight for these few weeks. A really good weekend for someone who's been through what I went through for a very long time. Haha I'm so full of myself. But really, that was just a much needed breather in the middle of all the chaos.

Also, just wanted to give a shout out to my peeps, Limbo (hehe don't be mad Liyana, we're no bimbos. Ok sometimes) and Charlie V (whutt whutt!) for sticking around through some of my hardest times. Major low point right there.

Looking back just a couple of weeks ago, I didn't think I would survive. In fact, I was pretty sure I would commit in some poetic suicide at the balcony of my office building. But well, I soldiered on. What else is there to do, right? I was too scared to really kill myself, and I don't have the kidney to strangle my enemy's neck. Ok, so you spot the word "enemy" there. Haha. Really, I have never really hated anyone in my life. I maybe only dislike people, but I hate this one person.

This person has caused me sleepless nights, and on nights when I actually sleep, I get nightmares. She is a devil. And in the words of my friend, the "Devil Wears Bata". I couldn't do anything but to spend all my time thinking about the things she had done to me.

And so, as any heroic folk tales, the underdog finally arise. I was at the bottom for quite some time, and finally just did what I thought was right. And even though it didn't turn out in my favor, and made me really mad (I had smoke coming out of my ears like the cartoon you always watch), I pat myself in the back for actually doing what's right and needed to be done. I had many people who supported me, and last I heard, justice will be repaid in time. 

Honestly, it's like a rape case; where you never really expect it to happen, but it did, and you're caught in between making a police report and having to risk losing your dignity by letting the right people know or having nobody know about it but to still get raped and live in the shitty feeling that wrap you like a dark, stiff blanket.

Glad I made it out alive. It's a jungle out there guys. Not just any jungle, it's the Amazon. You kill to survive.

What Fate?

Being in a dark room is never helpful, especially when you're trying to be all sunshiny. What you can do is switch on the lights (duh), or leave the room.

So what do you do when you face a wall? Turn back? Well you can. Or you can also crash through it, or climb over it. Whatever catches your fancy. The point is, you don't have to be stuck looking at the wall forever. You can do something about it.

A wall will only be an obstacle if you view it that way. Other than that, it's just a friggin' wall. 

the low before the high

It has come to my attention that I may have taken more than a few things rather lightly, which result in me being swamped with consequences that I was not prepared to tackle which then finally result in me concluding myself as the ultimate counter-worrier and a super-tactless human being.

I am not proud of this, and therefore dear blog, you are lucky (or otherwise) that I only manage to confide and confess to you. 

As an objective person, I shall ask myself so what is it that you need to do now, moving forward? Heck, only God knows what's to become of me and this; but I can manage that I may try to at least be a little more attentive to details - to the unspoken words, the little actions, the "nothingness".

Well, what's been done has already been done, one can only look forward and that's what I'm doing.

I'm just gonna start looking at the smaller picture, get to each point one by one before I hit BOOM.

Guhbye peeh-puhl.

I Won't Back Down

I Won't Back Down by Johnny Cash


Obviously you can consider me infatuated with Mr. Cash; I keep coming back to classics, in general.

What can I say, I like taking advice in an unorthodox way from an experienced male subject. His songs, his voice is just that.

Just when I thought the only thing I could do was give up, this song aired on radio and infused a much needed b-tt kick.

Somebody once told me back in 2008:

"..Oh, but you are still too young; too many things to be done; too many things to be seen; too many hearts to be filled. Now why don't you put on those boots and buckled belt and take on the world?"


Too bad things didn't work out between us.

Goodbye 2011, Hello 2012.

So it's been a few weeks since the year turned a new skin; 2012. What have changed since? Or what remained?

Honestly, get real people, do you still believe in New Year's Resolutions? I've given up on those a long time ago. I now am more of the type who would make resolutions randomly at any point of my life; hence why the significance and/or importance of a "new" year has dissolved drastically for me.

I've decided that celebrating a brand-spanking-new year in a flashy way does not foreshadow the year you're about to have and how it would end. Rather, it is most likely to be deceiving. I now embrace in year-ends and the result of the 365 days I've endured. Celebrating a new year would heavily rely on this factor. Of course, making an appearance at celebratory events thrown by other people is a show of respect and good manners; which is why I still "celebrate" (heheh - they say don't shove the good stuff), but well you know..

So in retrospect, from 2011, what have you gained or lost?


It certainly was a year that left me breathless; or rather, out-of-breath where I was constantly frantic or panicking (nothing new there, I know). I've also realized how Jupiter plays an important role in my life, as it is the planet of Luck and I've been, if anything, so so lucky last year, which is good coz I was running out of energy for effort.

I've also lost track of my mid and long-term life plans and are now just focusing more on the short-term goals. I failed to cross a lot of things off of my to-do list and got a bit of an emotional tsunami, but towards the end I decided to eff it. This year, I'll be writing my to-do list as I do it. Carpe diem. Haha, how's that for a plan?

Bitterness and frustrations aside, 2011 has actually been the best teacher I've had so far. It taught me a lot of things and showed me things that I thought I could never see. A lot of "firsts" too.

Can't really say much but by the end of it all, I knew there's going to be a sequel - 2012.

This year will execute to answer a lot of questions and cliffhangers in 2011, and for that, I'm just super thrilled and amped up.

To 2012, I say BRING IT ON to your face.

Happy days ahead everyone ;)


p/s: How do you say 2012? Two thousand and twelve, or twenty twelve?

Vacuum of Humanism

I am not crazy - in fact I'm perfectly normal; which makes me crazy. Firstly because I just denied it and secondly because anyone would know that any normal human being is far from being normal.

I like trespassing other people's brains, and bulldoze their over-developed beliefs and convictions. I am an anti-principle (whatever it may be) when it comes to other people; but of course I am a person of strong, rooted principles myself. I believe in having beliefs, yet I don't believe for believing is deceiving.

I also like truths and honesty for they tell you things about things for what they are; but a white lie can never hurt when it is only meant to salvage. Therefore lying is alright, when the situation is apposite - but is telling the truth obligatory under any circumstances? If the answer is no then a lie and a truth weighs the same on a situational scale.

So question here is, what does this make me?

a) A crazy person who doesn't believe and lie
b) A normal person who has principles and tells the truth

Dream People

Dan Felton

Jade Puget

Sand in Hand

I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love
For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith
But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.
Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought:
So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.


- T.S. Eliot

Eternal Lone Gypsy

More people are becoming adventurous (and a study reported that Zimbabwe and other exotic of-the-course travel destinations will so be in trend this year) and becoming lonely.

This archetype has long existed as a small percentage that others long to be, but is growing in numbers needless to say. They are the people who will do whatever the hell they want, when they want, and with whomever they want to. They only care to satisfy their insatiable thirst for experiences and adventure. They do outlandish things in their mannerisms and confide in strangers and peeves commitment.

They are most likely to achieve more things in life than others would, and are typically a Jack-of-all-trades. They charm people as they trod the globe; with their intelligence and beautifully flaunting some of the local vocabularies they know to strangers who soon become companions. They indulge in the localities to feel apart of something and yet away. They like to be in it without having to be attached.

Selfish and greedy - that's what they are, but only in the good sense to them. They mean well and they care for others, but they had to be selfish to actually get what they want and also greedy as they constantly want more; which may sometimes make them push away the people or things they already have to make way for new ones.

Once they reach a stage where they feel comfortable in a particular atmosphere, they will restlessly begin to look out for new adventures, to get them out of that safe zone again. This will happen repetitively. In between these cycles, there will be a gap; of total comfort and extreme desire to be uncomfortable. It is at this stage that they will be strawed in into the blackhole of loneliness.

They will feel so alone that they constantly have a tug-of-war of either getting very very comfortable at where they're at and just make things happen around them with whatever they have or just pack up, leave and start anew somewhere foreign.

They will most likely do neither, at this stage.

They also run - both physically and mentally. They run to understand the situation whilst not having to be in the situation. They run to run - from anything and everything, for as long as it last as a mini escape - for they know they will eventually run towards whatever they are running from again. They are also smart enough to know that running is not a solution, but a means. Therefore running is not who they are, but it is an all-important confidante to these non-committed creatures. The perfect life support, as opposed to a membership at the gym.

So when they've gathered their thoughts and mustered their spirits back, they are ready to elevate out of this blackhole and continue on a new quest. It does not mark an ending of a previous adventure, not at all, but in truth a continuation to the mega saga that is the journey of their life.

It is a chicken and egg situation - whether being amorous with new experiences make them some of the loneliest people in the world or the other way around. You can ask yourselves, if you think you share the same sentiments as this archetype, or you can ask the person you meet next who wears these characteristics like a fitted shirt.

Whatever it is, they are out there, collecting memories in their shoe boxes; with the tribal bracelets, postcards, museum tickets and polaroids while at the same time leaving footprints in the world and in people's lives.

Knock Knock It's Reality

There are bigger and more important things out there than your sorry little problems.

Hurt

Hurt by Johnny Cash

"If I could start again,
A million miles away,
I will keep myself,
I would find a way.."

I'm still planning to destroy the world in a gentle manner.

Finally, I've got some form of internet connection after so long of only relying on the office internet. I'm beginning to think that it could be God's way in telling me to actually go out and see people more rather than just be tied to this virtuality obsession.

But I've been doing quite poorly in the health department - so, still no heavy socializing. The only socializing I've been doing is with this nasty germs and cruel bacteria. They won't leave me alone. Just cleaned my room to get rid of any bad chi, if any. Progress so far looks promising.

So I've decided that I need to buck it up to better health as the new year is fast approaching (we're talking about a few days here). No particular reason why I should be in better shape in 2012, but yeah, I just don't want to be not in my best condition during the best times of the year. I'm the life of the party - get real! Haha.

Been running a lot lately, it helps my mood and also you know, sweat is generally good. Just realized I've got some cute neighbors living on the street next to mine - so there you go, motivation? Check.

I also noticed I got weak arms. Really feeble like I only managed a set of 8s each. Yeah, I disappoint myself on a regular basis. Nothing new there.

Health-wise aside, I'm doing alright. Honestly, just trying to get by. Need some re-work on the metaphysics, which I haven't got some real solid QT to really focus on which is pathetic.

They say you make the time you have. Utter BS for people who lacks time management skills like me.

You know those garbage they sell to you in Eat, Pray, Love and those lingering within the same postcode? That's actually good garbage, I've recently came to realize. You gotta love yourself more guys. Stop thinking it's vain; even if it is, why the hell not if it will do you good?

(I'm just gonna continue rambling from here just because I can. So here's a good place to stop reading if you're not into people rambling pointlessly)

I will re-emphasize that 2011 has been extremely rocky - I nearly got thrown out of the roller-coaster seat! But I'll save the reminiscing for a traditional Rock Paper Scissors' Goodbye 20XX, Hello 20XX post. Not that I'm looking forward to it.

I also realized I have no idea what I've been doing - I mean, I know what I do but yeah I don't internalize..not anymore. But who the phuck cares right? Just like how nobody cares about the excessive amount of carbon emission that leads to global warming today - they care, but they don't really.

So yes, we will conform with whatever the society demands of us - grow up, get good grades, graduate, get a decent job, get married, have a family, raise your children, reap your retirement saving and die. Everyone, all the same.

Of course you can mix up the stages to suit you best and to look a tad individualistic, but eventually, you'll have to do it. Even if you think you have some sort of choice, the choices are thrown at you by the society. In the end either way you choose to go, you'll end up probably doing only half a breath of what you really wanted to do.

I'm sure I'm not making any sense here, but if you do understand then you're my kind. Even if you don't, nobody cares. You'll move on with your life and forget about this post.

So stop whining about how I wasted a surmountable percentage of your time that you could use to pluck your eyebrows and deal with it. This is life. People use your time and you use theirs. Haven't you heard of symbiosis?

And time is not money - that's BS. How can you even put value to time? You are allowed to use your time as you wish to use it - even if you're not doing anything and it's not profitable. And no one can say that you're wasting your time. Which is definitely, totally not what I'm doing right now.

Holocene

Holocene by Bon Iver

"And at once I knew, I was not magnificent"

Not all who wander are, but..

from here.

Too much of anything is not good for you

Don't Regret Regret by Kathryn Schulz (TED Talks)


"Regret is there to remind us we can do better.."


The one piece of advice I will take from 2011. Happy birthday to me. To better, wiser decisions in years to come.

They all want you until they have to deal with you.

We keep looking for truths in everything we do, everywhere we go and in everyone we meet. We speak of it as if it is tangible; as if it can be measured; as if we deserve it.

Some say that Truth is God, and we shall look no further. Some say Truth is honesty, and that it is one hard to come by these days. Some say it's overrated and abused like a wolf in sheep's clothing. Some say truth hurts.

I don't give a sh-- about people's take on it - all I know is it's out there; and in here (in my being).

I keep trying to imagine this world where there is only truth, and no forms of deceit or lies exist - but it would be terrible, in a way. It wouldn't be functioning right, somehow. Maybe this is a by-product of centuries of cognitive and behavioural conditioning in reaching the Ideal.

Maybe we deliberately lie - so we can keep looking for that thing called Truth.

I Am the Ocean

I am the ocean
and you contain me
my high and low tides
in all the depth of the sea

I am the ocean
and you carry me
to greet the sandy shore
for a taste of my salinity

I am the ocean
and you are my gravity
in all my velocity, and
my immense capacity

I am the ocean
as you very well know me
I don't sink nor I float
- I only be

I am the ocean
to every degree
and you willingly sustain
through apogee and perigee

The Crazy Post

It's not even the end of the year yet, but I can definitely say that it's been a really crazy year to sum up. And not just the usual crazy, but CRAZY, if you know what I mean. A lot of firsts and randoms, and I have to say, I'm breaking my own record here from previous years. It just gets better with time huh? (bajet macam wine la konon). I have no idea what happened in between January and November, but man, it was crazy! Crazy fast, crazy fun, crazy in every manner. It feels like only yesterday where I was sitting in my room contemplating suicide (haha ok not funny) on my 23rd birthday and BOOM, what do you know, it's coming again in around a week. Not that I'm counting days like I used to (birthdays really is just like any other day as you age - which sucks!), but hell, what have I been doing throughout 2011?! Next thing I know it's 2030. Currently I'm feeling a little bit nostalgic; I really had some extreme ups and extreme downs. But oh well, as the optimistic saying goes, such is life. Now December, surprise me :p

#talkingtothemoon

from here.

Dosed

Dosed by Red Hot Chili Peppers

"Take it away, I never had it anyway,
Take it away, and everything will be okay.."


They probably had a downer when this song was written, hah! But RHCP still rocks in their true style even in the melodramatic zone, where they don't usually roam. Highly relevant lyrics and epic, epic bass and rhythm. Like coffee and cream. (Although somehow the bass reminds me of Bunkface's Last Minute - which in any case Bunkface would be the one inspired by RHCP and not the other way around. Clearly)

And Kiedis - he surprised me. The vocals is versatile.

I actually just started listening again to my old CDs, hence why the sudden burst of classic hits. Talk about blast from the past. Do expect to have me post some Hanson or the Moffats hits soon :p


p/s: I just immersed myself in their I'm With You album. Review coming soon. Or not.

pp/s: I'm completely dosed.

the Art of Drowning

from here.

repeat repeat

From here.

A repetition that is not a routine, but a reminder that reoccurs in my conscience and my dreams. Almost like a heartbeat. Or the rippling sound of waves. Or the glimpses of smiles that cameo in my mind.

Walk in the Sky

Walk in the Sky by Bonobo (Aaron Jerome Glitch Mix)

Simon Green (or stagename, Bonobo) approaches downtempo in a very quietly distinct way; almost orientally-inclined with a minute stroke of triphop. Magic happens when he contrast the rhythms with Bajka's edgy vocals.

For a Samba-esque alternative, click here. Satisfaction guaranteed.

On 'success'

from here

(Taking cue from Wideman from the previous post, I'll share my two cents. Heh)

I believe that failure is not a form of falling; instead, it is the act of sinking, where you will soon float again. Gracefully.

If you must fail, then fail in style - because success is always unexpected, so when the day finally comes, you've already dressed the part.

But remember, failure is only as temporary as success. So, always paddle to float.

There is no success without failure.

On "night"

by John Edgar Wideman

"..Night changes things. You can't see exactly how, but you can feel it in your bones. Spaces open up, which haven't been there before. You know that nights different, and you guess at why, and you wonder why, but you understand that you'll never understand, because the night is about things changing. The other fact about night, is the fact that it doesn't last, it's temporary. And like all good things it must come to an end.."



p/s: one of my favorite poetry slams, Def Poetry (or Def Jam Poetry founded by Russell Simmons et. al.), once showed Mos Def (the host) quoted Wideman's take on nights. Click here to watch.

Love is a Place

Love is a Place by Metric

If I can, I'd be at the Charles Bridge in Prague right now professing my love.

Or just about anywhere anyway, and be doing the same thing.

bohong

oleh Mosyuki Borhan

bohongi aku tentang kau yang sudah berpunya
bohongi aku tentang kau yang sedang menukangi cinta dengan
kekasih lama
bohongi aku tentang senyummu serta bicara-bicara kita yang
cuma pura-pura

aku akan percaya semua bohong-bohongmu
untuk aku tak lagi mengingatimu

kerana
aku sedang membohongimu tentang menyukai dia yang
sebenarnya adalah kamu


nota kaki: lagi karya beliau, sila klik.

Trying to reach you

Trying to Reach You by Nurses

From their upcoming album, Dracula.

adowable

from here.

The house was quiet and the world was calm

By Wallace Stevens


The house was quiet and the world was calm.
The reader became the book; and summer night

Was like the conscious being of the book.
The house was quiet and the world was calm.

The words were spoken as if there was no book,
Except that the reader leaned above the page,

Wanted to lean, wanted much most to be
The scholar to whom his book is true, to whom

The summer night is like a perfection of thought.
The house was quiet because it had to be.

The quiet was part of the meaning, part of the mind:
The access of perfection to the page.

And the world was calm. The truth in a calm world,
In which there is no other meaning, itself

Is calm, itself is summer and night, itself
Is the reader leaning late and reading there.


-end-


To read at night, I think, creates a realm of autonomous solitude. In fact, doing anything at night gives you a sense of solitude. Have been surrounding myself with books these days - a habit that I have forgo not too long ago (yes, I shouldn't). I guess sometimes life just takes over, and you think if you don't get in the pulse of things you will be left behind. But no, not anymore. I have taken the calmer approach and just taking things really slow now. Certain events have made me realize that in the end, things will come around. So meanwhile, just kick back and relax. Do it like the Marley.

Short short story: Girl and Tree

Once upon a time, a girl decided to climb a tree. She reached the highest branch and sat atop uncomfortably. But the view made up for that. The vast horizon was there before her and her eyes can only take so much of the excessive goodness.

She sat there for a while and thought, wouldn't it be great if I can go over to that town I see from here. She set herself to climb down from the tree to begin her journey to said town.

Then the unexpected happen. She realized that it was an imaginary tree, that there was no branches, no vast horizons and no towns.

So she fell down from the no-tree tree to the ground. And died. And nobody gave a sh-t.

The end.

I'm losing words..

You by Wani Ardy

If you follow, I have posted two of her songs in this blog before, and one of them is Dear Mr.Future (Click here)

This song is pretty much the sequel, if you're wondering what happens next. Not that it relates to me in any way at all. Nope.

It is a form of addiction and obsession.

Russell Brand on Katy Perry.

I want to have the same amount of passion for the same person for the rest of my life. 

The one kind of love that won't disappoint

So everybody in this world has at one point in a day thought about Love. Somehow, some way - be it good or bad. No matter how overrated it is. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Having convinced you to think that it is ok, in total contrast, I have now chosen to (though as impossible as it may seem) not think about it. Why? Because haha. Because I have no idea. Because maybe I think it should not be over-thought and that we should let the chips fall where they may.

Like how a stranger flashed a dashing smile at me this morning and held the door so that I can swish-swash my way in elegantly through the majestic entrance. Pure, platonic love. Out of pure kindness for another human being.

Therefore if you're feeling a tad lonely on this cold Friday night, do know you're not meant to be so. The choice is yours buddy. Go out, have fun, dance in the rain. Whatever. That's how love happens. When it's the last thing you're thinking about.

For all you lonely souls, wandering the urban landscape with trailing wet footsteps on the puddled pavements, I offer you the one kind of love I have: the love for music.

Life's too short to think too much. Have a wonderful weekend, and I mean it.

Everything is One by Inner Prisms

Per Te

Trapeze Swinger by Iron and Wine 

Please, remember me
Happily
By the rosebush laughing
With bruises on my chin
The time when
We counted every black car passing
Your house beneath the hill
And up until
Someone caught us in the kitchen
With maps, a mountain range,
A piggy bank
A vision too removed to mention
But

Please, remember me
Fondly
I heard from someone you're still pretty
And then
They went on to say
That the pearly gates
Had some eloquent graffiti
Like 'We'll meet again'
And 'Fuck the man'
And 'Tell my mother not to worry'
And angels with their gray
Handshakes
Were always done in such a hurry
And

Please, remember me
At Halloween
Making fools of all the neighbors
Our faces painted white
By midnight
We'd forgotten one another
And when the morning came
I was ashamed
Only now it seems so silly
That season left the world
And then returned
And now you're lit up by the city
So

Please, remember me
Mistakenly
In the window of the tallest tower call
Then pass us by
But much too high
To see the empty road at happy hour
Leave and resonate
Just like the gates
Around the holy kingdom
With words like 'Lost and Found' and 'Don't Look Down'
And 'Someone Save Temptation'
And

Please, remember me
As in the dream
We had as rug-burned babies
Among the fallen trees
And fast asleep
Aside the lions and the ladies
That called you what you like
And even might
Give a gift for your behavior
A fleeting chance to see
A trapeze
Swing as high as any savior
But

Please, remember me
My misery
And how it lost me all I wanted
Those dogs that love the rain
And chasing trains
The colored birds above there running
In circles round the well
And where it spells
On the wall behind St. Peter's
So bright with cinder gray
And spray paint
'Who the hell can see forever?'
And

Please, remember me
Seldomly
In the car behind the carnival
My hand between your knees
You turn from me
And said 'The trapeze act was wonderful
But never meant to last'
The clown that passed
Saw me just come up with anger
When it filled with circus dogs
The parking lot
Had an element of danger
So

Please, remember me
Finally
And all my uphill clawing
My dear
But if i make
The pearly gates
Do my best to make a drawing
Of G-d and Lucifer
A boy and girl
An angel kissin on a sinner
A monkey and a man
A marching band
All around the frightened trapeze swingers



Sigh..when can I ever see him perform live?


Per te: E per Lei, i cantano questa canzone. Per favore mi ricordi nei Suoi sogni quando Lei può.

Constant Surprises

"..some call it coincidence,
But I like to call it fate.."

-Little Dragon, Constant Surprises.

For My Dad

Long Time by CAKE

Thanks Dad, for raising me up with great music. You've got impeccable taste and your deep love for music has influenced me in so many ways.

This one's for you, as you were responsible for introducing me to CAKE and it has been my go-to CD (Fashion Nugget) everytime I miss the family during my boarding school days.

The only person who understands my musical inclinations during our schooling years would only be Charlie Fa..remember Teenage Dirtbag? :)

It's always a lovely feeling whenever you find someone who shares the same music preferences as you.

Love you, Dad. (and it's not even your birthday haha)

Bad Anniversary

Twilight by Elliot Smith

October is always a gloomy month for me - wherever I am, whatever the season. It is the month he died.

And the day I found out is still very clear - I was on the way home in the bus. And I cried my heart out, nearly leaving the guy sitting next to me in shock.

Here, a person I don't even know in person, could have such a large impact on me. That's what music does - it connects and affects people in magical ways.

Sad Toys

by Ishikawa Takuboku

When I breathe,
This sound in my chest
Lonelier than the winter wind


In the opening poem of 'Sad Toys', translated by Sanford Goldstein and Seishi Shinoda.

Don't shave 'em (no not yours)

So I have come to a point where I confuse myself more than anything else in the world.

And most probably this major intertwining of multiple confusions could have subjected me to finally decide to remove myself from myself. Heck, is this even possible?

 How do I then become myself when I am not myself? Absolutely not weird, just quizzing.

In this past few weeks, too many things have happened all at once, over-whelmingly (like throngs of noisy school tweenies in a mall), that I could not help myself, although I managed to stop mid-way, to reach for the fruit blender in the kitchen so that I can crush all the events and experiences of the past 4 weeks in this blender for easier digestion. Nope, don't suggest I take Eno or Gaviscon, that was only a figure of speech. My digestion system is fine, thank you. Yes, despite the long line of open houses, weddings and other in-betweens involving food, it's been functioning spectacularly. Alarming.

Some major headlines worth mentioning:

1) I have officially quit my previous job as a market researcher. Not because I was bad at it (what, you want testimonials?), not because I despise the company and no no no not because of the pay (women are not Materialists in contrary to popular beliefs). But I thought it was the right time to upgrade. It's like you move on from playing yo-yo to skate-boarding. Same difference.

2) So obviously, I got a new job. I just started there for a few days, in fact. Advertising. Yea, I know you must be giving the 'blergh' look right now, and think, oh no not another slacker who's made to believe that coming up with ideas and doodling away in notepads are hardwork..it's shit easy. Try calculating numbers, or answering customer calls - that're real jobs idiots! Well, you know what, eff you. Hah! What are you, a school counselor?

3) I went on an unexpected trip to New Zealand. About time. Need to pacify some matters of the heart, take a break from working before I start the new job (the current one), and at the same time visit some people there. It was hells awesome, although I have to admit it burnt a small hole in my pocket. But generally it was somewhat a budget trip - I crashed at practically anyone's house, whoever's willing to provide me food and shelter. Haha. Met many interesting people, some Malaysians studying/working there who are extremely nice, and friendly Kiwis. Watched the Rugby World Cup 2011 live (woohoo finally!) between the Wallabies and USA, got my cap autographed, touched the snow for the first time, went to see Lord of the Rings stuff, did the Haka, managed toddlers and a baby, ate a lot, survived without the internet and so many things I could never finish listing down. Most importantly, I got some QT with my most favourite cousin before she gets engaged end of this year (can't believe we're at 'that phase' already. Seemed like yesterday we were naked and taking showers together). Truly treasured memories.

I am still having jetlags, or just basically have my sleeping patterns screwed up (not that I have a particular pattern before anyways haha), sleeping at 9/10pm and waking up 6am on the dot. Not like wake up then feel like I wanna go back to sleep type, but really wake up and feel fresh. I think it must be the habit I got from NZ. Sheeps woke me in the morning to witness the sunrise. I love sheeps. Don't shave them.

So somebody asked me: What's the difference between a sheep and a lamb?

Answer: One's hairy and one's hairless.

Right now is way past my bed time. It's 3am!! Gasp! Gasp! Oh, I haven't changed my watch to Malaysian time. Damn it. I hate false alarms. And alarms in general. But not sheep alarms. That wake me in the morning to see the sunrise. I love sheep. 1 sheep, 2 sheep, 3 sheep, sleeeeeep...kroh kroh kroh